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Cinderella: Awful what you are having to deal with because of your Prince’s drinking I have also been married a long time (almost 50 years). Since you haven’t left yet, maybe there is a way for you to disengage/detach/retreat from him and create a separate life for yourself while living there with him. Whatever that means for you, for example, involve yourself in activities that do not include him. Classes, groups, trips, gardening projects, etc. Separate rooms might also provide a better quality of life for you. Decorate and furnish your room(s) for you, the way you want.
There hasn’t been much in here about rehab. I’m curious if there are any success stories out there about rehab.
Hi Navy,
Feeling your frustration, and probably can’t answer your questions. Just wanted to respond to say that normal is replaced by a new normal, which oftentimes isn’t ‘normal’. This has been my experience. Accept what it is, because it doesn’t matter what you do or say.
Instead, remember who you are and what you want.
This has helped me when I’m really feeling stressed with all of it.
Though not intentional, comparing a coke addiction to a coffee addiction so grossly minimizes the absolute hell that my spouse and I experienced. I’m not even prepared to be able to give a comparison as I’m not sure that one even exists. The person that I knew and loved became someone that I didn’t even recognize. It all started with a wrong choice and a lie. The day he decided to use it and not tell me. Why? How could he? We were great before this day. He said that he was out of control. How so? He never smashed the car during those years, didn’t get arrested, managed to keep his job, and kept all the truths to himself. There is some self control going on there. He used, disappeared, lied, cheated, and stole. All takes choices, all takes steps to get there. To get to the person that I didn’t know and that I never would have chosen. It is traumatic and can’t be minimized.
Awful that are having to live this nightmare.
Figure out a plan to get away from him, because you (and your children) are not safe around him while he is actively using.I agree with Ahurtwife. Save your children and yourself and make a plan to get yourselves away from him. It is not possible to have a future with him while he is using and there is no guarantee that he will stay clean if he stops using. Your situation will most likely get worse while he continues to use.
<p style=”text-align: left;”>Hi Leashy: Your story is similar to mine. I was where you are, but that was about 35 years ago. Except at that point, we were married and living together. I remember thinking that if I get to the point where I left him, I was never going back. Up to this point I was all in and with our very young children. So scared with no resources. He quit the coke, and we moved on. He worked hard, I got a job, and we took care of each other and our children. We have had a loving and happy life together all these years. Since those days I have kept most of my financial life separated from his, which he didn’t agree with and complained about for years. My advice . . . If you decide to go back – don’t. Instead go forward, either with him or without him. Chose your terms and stand fast. Being in love with an addict is something that I had to accept. Walk into it with your eyes wide open. You already know what can happen. I suspected that he was cheating on me all those years ago and he did. I believe that he hasn’t cheated since the coke days. And, I believe that he has great remorse for that. He did use coke again twice in all these years, but he hasn’t relapsed in all these years. His addiction has presented itself with gambling off and on in recent years, though not currently. You have created a safe space for you and your children. Don’t give all of that up. You will know what decisions to make. It’s not just one decision. He has traumatized me for sure and still it surprises me what he has put himself through, what he has put me through, what he has put our children through, what he has put his parents through. Why did all that happen to us? He will say, ‘I f—-d up’. That’s his whole answer. Nobody did anything to him that he can blame it on, nobody died, there was no catastrophic event. One day he did coke with his buddies – and, then 5 years later – he quit. It’s not our whole story.</p>
Hi Nicole. Thinking of you and all of us today, when I was watching the telly today. And one of the actors in the drama said . . .
‘Nothing good comes from standing there studying the broken pieces. You’re better off picking up the pieces you want and putting them back together the way you want them. They may not fit the way they used to, but you can be proud of the new shape they take. It’s ok if you don’t have that answer yet, but you still need a plan. Start by deciding what you don’t want. A NO pile and a MAYBE pile.’
Yesterday I went with my husband for his visit with his therapist. This felt like a step in the right direction. I listened for the most part. He still is struggling with his behavior from years ago, and he still is struggling with accepting what happened. I feel this because of the things he says. It happened. He knows it. It is scary to realize it all happened. It feels so weird knowing more about it now and trying to accept it myself. So when he talks about – I listen. During the therapy session I said that I am in love with him. It is true. His therapist said that she could see this. He has mentioned my comment several times since the therapy session. I think it helps to look at it (the coke years), talk about, and then put it away for awhile until it feels right to look at it again. Maybe one day, hopefully, we won’t feel the need to look at this thing that happened to us – anymore. It will all still be there, but, we’re over here now. And, we’re ok – over here.
Crack, your sincere description of the situation that you have found yourself in is heartbreaking and life changing for yourself and many who will read it. That you can still recognize and care what is happening to you is a major step in your recovery. Drugs changed my husband into a weirdo too. Drugs can and will do that. It’s not personal. Drugs do that to the human body. Like any other traumatic life event, fight for yourself. You can win this one. All of us here, want you to win. Stay with us.
We need you here.
Try not to constantly think about all of it. I know it is hard, but you don’t know what to do about it. Trust yourself. Answers will come to you, and then you will know what to do. And, you will make these decisions everyday that will help you get through it. I have many happy memories that include my children during the years that he was using. Get back to focusing on your children and yourself, One day at a time. One moment at a time. You will never regret it. My kids are the best that have ever happened to me.
He quit using the coke about 35 years ago. Knowing what I know now, I should have run for my life. It seems like he was having a mental breakdown on that stuff. He slowly came back to me after he quit using. Back to the person that I knew, the person that I love. Sometimes all of it really upsets me. Still. I need to move past it – for myself. Recently I have started a list of all the things that I am mad about. I haven’t shared it with anyone. Not sure that I will. This list is helping me. Helping me/us move on.
Remember who you are and what you WANT. Instead of – What he did/does and how that mak s me feel.
This is what I tell myself when I feel overwhelmed. Do I WANT to be a mess all day – everyday (right now) because of this? No. I don’t WANT that.
(Your questions can be answered in my earlier posts – click on my user name). In all the years that I have been in love with my husband (almost 50 now), during the 5 years that he was actively using coke – he was a different person. A person that I did not know, a person that he didn’t know. He hasn’t been that – since he quit using coke. Read up on coke, how it is made and how it affects the body.
I agree with MMike – you’re awesome kulstar. And, your posts are so needed. Stay close. Navy, if you’re not strong enough to leave him – then stay, but distance yourself far enough to create a safe space for yourself to get what you need. The answers are inside of you and will come to you. Trust yourself. Take your focus off of him and put it on yourself. One day at a time. One moment at a time. It’s not one decision – stay or leave. It’s lots of decisions every day.
Sorry you are going through this Hell. I have a similar story and have known for 5 years now. Last night I woke up sobbing about it. I recommend that that you change your user ID to something anonymous. I’m in a better place emotionally then I was when I found out, but it still hurts and probably always will. Allow yourself to be upset, but also take steps to help yourself accept and find your way through it. Take care of yourself and try to make choices for yourself that you won’t regret later. I started therapy sessions recently and wish that I would have when I first knew about it. We are still together, but I don’t feel like I am past it yet. I wonder if that is even possible. This is trauma.
Let him go, Sam. He is already taken. Coke owns him now. You’re only 7 months into this relationship. A lifetime plan with this man will be a life of heartache for you and any children that you have with him. Seek therapy for yourself to get yourself through this. Sorry for what you are going through and also for being so harsh. Listen to your survival instincts. You know it is true. These stories here are real. Save yourself. You won’t regret it.