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<p style=”text-align: left;”>Hi Leashy: Your story is similar to mine. I was where you are, but that was about 35 years ago. Except at that point, we were married and living together. I remember thinking that if I get to the point where I left him, I was never going back. Up to this point I was all in and with our very young children. So scared with no resources. He quit the coke, and we moved on. He worked hard, I got a job, and we took care of each other and our children. We have had a loving and happy life together all these years. Since those days I have kept most of my financial life separated from his, which he didn’t agree with and complained about for years. My advice . . . If you decide to go back – don’t. Instead go forward, either with him or without him. Chose your terms and stand fast. Being in love with an addict is something that I had to accept. Walk into it with your eyes wide open. You already know what can happen. I suspected that he was cheating on me all those years ago and he did. I believe that he hasn’t cheated since the coke days. And, I believe that he has great remorse for that. He did use coke again twice in all these years, but he hasn’t relapsed in all these years. His addiction has presented itself with gambling off and on in recent years, though not currently. You have created a safe space for you and your children. Don’t give all of that up. You will know what decisions to make. It’s not just one decision. He has traumatized me for sure and still it surprises me what he has put himself through, what he has put me through, what he has put our children through, what he has put his parents through. Why did all that happen to us? He will say, ‘I f—-d up’. That’s his whole answer. Nobody did anything to him that he can blame it on, nobody died, there was no catastrophic event. One day he did coke with his buddies – and, then 5 years later – he quit. It’s not our whole story.</p>
Hi Nicole. Thinking of you and all of us today, when I was watching the telly today. And one of the actors in the drama said . . .
‘Nothing good comes from standing there studying the broken pieces. You’re better off picking up the pieces you want and putting them back together the way you want them. They may not fit the way they used to, but you can be proud of the new shape they take. It’s ok if you don’t have that answer yet, but you still need a plan. Start by deciding what you don’t want. A NO pile and a MAYBE pile.’
Yesterday I went with my husband for his visit with his therapist. This felt like a step in the right direction. I listened for the most part. He still is struggling with his behavior from years ago, and he still is struggling with accepting what happened. I feel this because of the things he says. It happened. He knows it. It is scary to realize it all happened. It feels so weird knowing more about it now and trying to accept it myself. So when he talks about – I listen. During the therapy session I said that I am in love with him. It is true. His therapist said that she could see this. He has mentioned my comment several times since the therapy session. I think it helps to look at it (the coke years), talk about, and then put it away for awhile until it feels right to look at it again. Maybe one day, hopefully, we won’t feel the need to look at this thing that happened to us – anymore. It will all still be there, but, we’re over here now. And, we’re ok – over here.
Crack, your sincere description of the situation that you have found yourself in is heartbreaking and life changing for yourself and many who will read it. That you can still recognize and care what is happening to you is a major step in your recovery. Drugs changed my husband into a weirdo too. Drugs can and will do that. It’s not personal. Drugs do that to the human body. Like any other traumatic life event, fight for yourself. You can win this one. All of us here, want you to win. Stay with us.
We need you here.
Try not to constantly think about all of it. I know it is hard, but you don’t know what to do about it. Trust yourself. Answers will come to you, and then you will know what to do. And, you will make these decisions everyday that will help you get through it. I have many happy memories that include my children during the years that he was using. Get back to focusing on your children and yourself, One day at a time. One moment at a time. You will never regret it. My kids are the best that have ever happened to me.
He quit using the coke about 35 years ago. Knowing what I know now, I should have run for my life. It seems like he was having a mental breakdown on that stuff. He slowly came back to me after he quit using. Back to the person that I knew, the person that I love. Sometimes all of it really upsets me. Still. I need to move past it – for myself. Recently I have started a list of all the things that I am mad about. I haven’t shared it with anyone. Not sure that I will. This list is helping me. Helping me/us move on.
Remember who you are and what you WANT. Instead of – What he did/does and how that mak s me feel.
This is what I tell myself when I feel overwhelmed. Do I WANT to be a mess all day – everyday (right now) because of this? No. I don’t WANT that.
(Your questions can be answered in my earlier posts – click on my user name). In all the years that I have been in love with my husband (almost 50 now), during the 5 years that he was actively using coke – he was a different person. A person that I did not know, a person that he didn’t know. He hasn’t been that – since he quit using coke. Read up on coke, how it is made and how it affects the body.
I agree with MMike – you’re awesome kulstar. And, your posts are so needed. Stay close. Navy, if you’re not strong enough to leave him – then stay, but distance yourself far enough to create a safe space for yourself to get what you need. The answers are inside of you and will come to you. Trust yourself. Take your focus off of him and put it on yourself. One day at a time. One moment at a time. It’s not one decision – stay or leave. It’s lots of decisions every day.
Sorry you are going through this Hell. I have a similar story and have known for 5 years now. Last night I woke up sobbing about it. I recommend that that you change your user ID to something anonymous. I’m in a better place emotionally then I was when I found out, but it still hurts and probably always will. Allow yourself to be upset, but also take steps to help yourself accept and find your way through it. Take care of yourself and try to make choices for yourself that you won’t regret later. I started therapy sessions recently and wish that I would have when I first knew about it. We are still together, but I don’t feel like I am past it yet. I wonder if that is even possible. This is trauma.
Let him go, Sam. He is already taken. Coke owns him now. You’re only 7 months into this relationship. A lifetime plan with this man will be a life of heartache for you and any children that you have with him. Seek therapy for yourself to get yourself through this. Sorry for what you are going through and also for being so harsh. Listen to your survival instincts. You know it is true. These stories here are real. Save yourself. You won’t regret it.
Thanks, James:
Hopefully you’re doing great. I appreciate that you answered my questions. Curious now if you ever told your love the whole story of your addiction to coke. From the very beginning of it – through to now. Everything that happened with it. All of it. If you haven’t and she wanted to know – would you tell it to her? If you are not together with her now, but telling her everything – she would come back to you. Would you tell her your complete story? All. The entire truth?
SaoirseJS: Hugs. I have read your message here, numerous times. I was also pregnant and alone with our first child. We deserve our own website! Congratulations on the birth of your precious child, SaoirseJS. ❤️
pops88:
Sometimes it is difficult to decide who has it worst – him or me. My addict spouse has great remorse, shame, and regret for what he has put himself and all of us through.
James –
It is too scary to reconcile is my guess. She still loves you, but she has found a safe place. A place that she can trust. It is very difficult to understand and accept that a person can change so much on drugs. I wish I could know what that walk actually feels like, but the risk is to great to try to find out – cocaine addiction. So, I have to accept your truth, which is too scary to accept. Scary is the best word that I have to describe this. It scares me so much. What is he capable of while addicted to cocaine? Fear of what could have happened and didn’t, but still could. It’s not a judgement of my addict – it is fear. I knew him for years before – and then watched him become something awful while looking right at him. If that addict was me, then that is even more scary. Then I would want to find a safe place too, a place I could trust. So, I wish that for you. I don’t have any answers, just the perspective of being in love with an addict.
Hugs
I’ve been in love with my addict for almost 50 years. I want answers too Ahurtwife, but will I ever get all of them? I have more answers than I ever have had, but he still hasn’t given what I feel is the full story. Most of what I do know – he has told me. I am traumatized by the memories, and even mad that I am having to look at this again after all these years. Yes, I love him – I always have. That’s what I’m trying to tell you. No matter what decision you will make about this S_ _ _ _, it doesn’t change. You will still love him and the S_ _ _ _ will still be there. So, how do you make it better for yourself? Hell if I know. So, tonight I”m in our extra room, which has become my ‘sanctuary’. I can come in here lock the door, and look for some peace to settle my soul. The large window to the back lot offers a beautiful view of the evening sky. (He is sleeping in our bedroom down the hall.) I’ve been all in all these years, but he hasn’t. Why not? Because one moment ago – decades ago, he thought cocaine was a good idea. Should he get eternal damnation for that? No. Of course not. So, then why does it still feel so huge sometimes? I don’t know. Maybe it is supposed to. Maybe if it wasn’t this, it would be something else to torture our souls. None of any of it matters right now. I’m settling in to the view and feeling blessed that I have this spot here to calm myself and be thankful that we have made it through the worst and we’re both still here – together and apart at the same time.