thistim3

Hope that you are all doing well.

I’ve been spending my nights in the spare room, so hard to sleep. My cat keeps me company.  I’m so stressed out, trying to calm myself down so that I can get some rest, but I can only sleep about 4 hours or so.  Then I lay here awake.  How does it come to this?  I have always been all in, while he continues to lie. After all these years, I keep wondering why I have been so good to him. Why? Why have I wasted all my life on a man who has cheated so many times and lies.  I should have left him years ago.  My advice – get yourself out of this crazy stuff, don’t have children with him, sort yourself out, and never choose this again.  Nobody is worth it.  He quit coke decades ago.  It doesn’t go back to where you were before coke, weed, alcohol, whatever.  I wish someone would have told me that decades ago, or I could have just believed it myself. So, I am telling you now – run for your lives ladies.  Go to therapy and figure out why you chose this person before the best years of your life is gone forever.  If you feel that he is cheating – that is because he is cheating.  If you feel that he is lying – that is because he is lying.  Trust yourself.  The person that you fell in love with is gone.  Gone forever. Sorry for your loss.

Hi rachy323:  AA suggests ‘One Day At A Time’, but this can be too much.  ‘One Moment At A Time’ makes more sense.  It’s more manageable.  You say that you don’t enjoy drinking, so in that moment – do instead something that you do enjoy. Something that does help you feel better about yourself.  Remember who you are and what you want.

Me telling my husband’s parents about his drug use was one of several things that happened before he quit using.  He wasn’t happy about this, but so what.  Secrets only enabled him.  The whole thing for all the years before was his secret, from me, them, and anybody that really mattered.  His parents didn’t get involved so much, it was just him knowing that they knew about it that caught his attention in his coked up head.  I don’t believe that we really negotiated anything.  And, I’m not convinced that negotiations with a coke user is even possible.  It doesn’t really matter what you say or do. I told his parents for really only one reason, I was convinced that he was going to kill himself and I figured that they needed to know that before he did it.  It was one of the decisions that I made on my own.  To this day – I do not regret it.  Trust your decisions, whatever they are.  You need yourself to get though this kind of trauma.  You will know what you need to do, when you need to do it, the answers just come to you.  Most often when least expect it, like when you’re folding the laundry, cleaning the closet, working in the garden. You just know.  And, if you should be wrong with one of your decisions, so what!  You did the best that you could have in an impossible and drastic situation.

My family;  Awful that you have this situation.  It’s so hard when children are involved.  Right now, without further delay, seek some support for yourself and your baby.  He has told you to move on without him, and you really need to.  It will be easier on you and your child in the long run if you do.  Try to find a group support for single mothers and even a Nar-Anon group.  I found both through a local church years ago that helped me in so many ways.  You can find so many resources in your area.  You have it better than some here – that he has left.  It is so difficult to have a relationship with an actively using addict.  Not safe for you or your baby to be in that situation.  It’s not a life you want.  It’s much worse than being abandoned by someone that you love.  The lies, disappearing, stealing, no financial stability, cheating, criminal behavior, and in some cases – violence, etc.  The person that you thought that you loved, doesn’t exist anymore, because the drugs transform them into someone who doesn’t care anymore.  Not about themselves, their spouses, their parents, even their own children.  It is horrific to watch it happen – while you are looking right at them.  So scary. A real life horror show.  It is traumatic.  Look at it for what it really is.  You need to, and your child needs for you to.  It’s the only way to a better life for you and your child.  Many think that if the addict stops using – then all returns back to normal.  Not entirely true.  The addict has also traumatized themselves and in most cases have permanently damaged themselves mentally and even physically.  Many continue for years with struggling through debilitating relapses, treatment, rehabs, and  financial situations.  Traumatizing for children brought up while this goes on through their lifetimes.  Not many success stories in here, but you can make your story one of them.  I pray that you will.

Belle80:  Yes, I think so. I’m thinking that I haven’t forgiven my husband either.  He hid the coke addiction for about 5 years and it was about 35 years ago when he quit it.  At that time, I decided that I wanted to give us a chance to see if we could leave it behind and be happy.  We did and we have been happy.  I never thought about it and we never talked about it.  Until we did about five years ago and he confessed that he had cheated numerous times during those years.  Added to all that he had put me through with it – I have been overwhelmed all over again.  He has never been the way that he was during the coke years.  I didn’t know that person.  He was so different – all negatives.  I just left it there.  And, then it was in front of me again all the years later.  I didn’t forgive him then, and I don’t think I can now.  Not sure why. The betrayal is so great and it doesn’t make sense to me.  I don’t understand any of it and I probably do not and never will know all of it.  He has told me that he is embarrassed, ashamed, feels guilty, and remorseful.  And, I believe that he is.  But, we did leave it behind and found a way forward all those years ago.  I believe that we can again.

Hi Meeshka. So sorry that you are living this nightmare. It is traumatic to realize that the person that you trust the most is on drugs and lying about it. So scary.  My story began the same as yours. We were together already for 10 years and to that point, my spouse only smoked pot.  Then weird behavior and always gone. It would be years before I would know what was really happening.  I should have gotten myself out of this situation all those years ago. I wasn’t safe and he was lying and abusive. You and your child are not safe either. He is lying to you and leaving dangerous substances within reach of your child. A hospital visit or worse if your child finds and ingests the drugs.