[thistim3]

You have found a great source of support here.  It is traumatic to experience what you are describing.  You can’t fix him.  He is out of control.  Focus right now on taking care of yourself.  Nar-anon is a great support group, also consider a therapist.

[thistim3]

Nar-Anon helped me so much.  Try to find a group and if it doesn’t feel right try a different one until you find ‘your’ Nar-Anon group.  Then you might find that you can rebuild your life (with or without your addict).

[thistim3]

JJW45 – hopefully you’re doing good.  So many people probably get addicted this way.  They need surgery or get hurt.  Or, like my husband – they just casually try something with their buddies.  Before long – realize that their world is out of control.  This can happen to anyone.  It takes courage to turn around and look at yourself.  The struggle is very real.  Remember who you are and what you want.  This is what I remind myself all the time.  I need to be happy, so I will find a way to be there – everyday.

[thistim3]

Test and protect yourself from sexual transmitted diseases (std), if you suspect or know that your partner is cheating.

[thistim3]

My husband didn’t know about our miscarriage that happened decades ago until recently when we finally started to talk about the years he was using cocaine. Reading these messages helped me remember how he blamed me for so many things that went wrong, but not his drug use. I didn’t know what was happening with that until the day he quit, which was years after he started with it.  This drug is so evil.  It took years, all these years, for him to realize how incredibly awful he was on cocaine and how hard it was for him to quit. His behavior during those years has hit him hard and he is struggling with that now.  Just like all those years ago, I can’t fix it and I am not the bad guy.  One of the weird things now is that he will mention something that happened then and while he is talking about it, he realizes how his way of thinking about it then was wrong. I watch it move over his face. I have no words for him, so I will hug him.  Years ago it didn’t happen like that. He was awful and I couldn’t figure out what or why.  WTF is wrong with him?  I thought and probably asked him if he was ok, but he never explained himself and he just didn’t make any sense so much of the time.  I knew him and loved him for years before this drug crippled his head.  I often wonder how he could have let any of it happen. He took the drug and it happened.  That is the whole answer.

[thistim3]

When I found out and confronted him (more than 30 years ago), he quit. I went thru the emotions you mentioned, prayed, read about it, went to Nar-anon meetings, and told his parents (no-one else other than a therapist – I still haven’t talked about it with anybody, but him).  I figured that if he was my child and he was trying to kill himself – I would want to know.  I stayed out of his way and tried to have the best day that I could, everyday.

[thistim3]

Awful that you are going through this.  Despite all of it –  still it is possible to be happy.  The stories here will help you find your way.  Kids grow so fast and they need you to be strong and happy., Try to take the focus off him (he has to sort himself out on his own) and focus instead on your kids and yourself.  I have such great memories with my kids – when my husband was at his worst. I believe that the normalcy that my kids and I were living everyday helped my husband get off and stay off the evil drug cocaine.  Nar-anon is a great place for support as well.

[thistim3]

This morning I’m reading all your posts as I seem to struggle more in the morning.  Your posts are heartbreaking. So, sad what you and your children have had to endure. And, also your husband who has been taken over by cocaine. The cocaine is the bad guy. It truly is a horror story. The day to day of scary moments. I remember it and it still terrifies me, maybe because it can all come undone again in an instant. If he has a weak moment and decides to use it again.  But, he hasn’t. This is the time for New Year’s resolutions.  For me, I want to be in a better place mentally with this.  I have taken a difficult look at myself for how I’ve dealt with his addiction through the years. I tried so hard to protect myself and our kids. I didn’t know what was wrong and thought he would eventually just tell me all those years ago. He was so awful, the bad moods and verbal abuse.  The lonely and isolated feelings. And, protecting myself involved me pushing it all down and forcing myself to forget it all. Strange how the mind works. He quit the coke and I left the horrific memories behind and we found happiness again. Seems like a great plan, until it all just slams back at you unexpectedly. Now struggling so much from the memories and the what ifs. Somewhere along the way I apparently decided that I couldn’t live with the fear of it all, so I just wouldn’t and didn’t. Why can’t I just pack it all up again and put it away. I did that for years and I’ve been happy and I felt safe.  I have all the reasons to be happy and feel safe. What do I need? I am struggling with this answer daily.  I hope and pray that you and your family will also find your way to happiness and safety.

[thistim3]

<p style=”text-align: left;”>rdnd – Thank you for your comments here.  I continue to try to understand how this drug has affected my husband.  Your description of this nightmare that is difficult and heartbreaking to watch as I saw my husband change into someone else when I was looking right at him.  It forever changed him even though he quit using it decades ago.</p>

[thistim3]

18 months in, no children between you, lies, secrets, and 13k debt.  Be done and do yourself a favor.  He has showed you who and what he is capable of. Believe him – especially the parts that are tangible.  Save yourself! Not many win this battle. NOBODY is worth ruining your whole life over.

[thistim3]

Stay or leave. There is more than 2 choices. There’s numerous choices everyday.  Take the focus off of your spouse and the vodka line.  Hard as it is (I’ve been there though the circumstances were different). Instead do something for yourself, i.e. see a movie, go for a walk, see a friend, go for a run, paint a room, take a class, etc. Whatever you want. One day at time – one moment at a time. The answers (choices) will come to you as figure it out – while you are calm and most likely – when you’re not even thinking about it.

[thistim3]

It was almost 40 years ago – FORTY. When I began to realize that something was very wrong bank then.  It was almost 5 years later before I confronted him with a bank statement and he told me ‘cocaine’.  He quit, and we moved on.  The good – we still love each other and are still together.  The bad – you already know.  The ugly – we have both been traumatized by what happened all those years ago and after years of pushing it down and happily living our lives, it feels like it has come back up from Hell and violently slapped us both around again. I remember now how scared, alone, and helpless I felt. I tried to protect myself and our children from something that I didn’t even know what it was. Shocking and disturbing still.  My advice is to remember who you are and what you want – in both for right now AND in the future as one day you will look back on this most horrific time.  I am proud of myself for how I handled it all – and, also of him. My husband (an addict) who was dragged into Hell and clawed his way out and quit using that vile substance all those years ago.  Do what you have to to keep yourself safe. Prayers.

[thistim3]

To be a non user of coke all these years and now this. The panic attacks are really scary for him and for me too as I have seen him have them.

[thistim3]

He did quit the coke decades ago – just like I hoped he would (and you are hoping for with your loved one), but he is NOT the same guy that I fell in love with all those years ago. That guy was sincere, attentive, always loving, happy, transparent, caring, supportive, charming, engaging, my rock. This guy is remorseful, full of anxieties, brash, guarded, sad, selfish – and sometimes the qualities of the younger guy that I fell in love with. I see the younger guy sometimes – but I want that guy all the time. Since that is the guy I want, I’m always trying to find him in there. But, what do you expect? He decided coke was a good idea all those years ago. Coke was created by the devil. Sometimes I wonder why I didn’t leave him all those years ago. He was awful. I didn’t know what was actually happening, and I refused to believe that he would turn his back me, but he did – totally. Coke changed him. He didn’t even tell me the truth until I finally had the guts to confront him just a few years ago. The truth is, for me anyways is that sometimes I wish that I would have left him all those years ago as I think that overall – my life would have been better. And, sometimes I am happy that I didn’t know about the coke until he quit it (5 years after he started it) and that I didn’t know that he cheated on me during the coke years until just a few years ago, as I know that I would have left him and I wouldn’t be with him now. The point is that we can’t go back to where we were before he started using coke. We’re not the same people. We still love each other, but we are both broken in some ways. He hurt me so badly emotionally, and like you – I didn’t deserve any of it. I am determined to get past it, but the damage is great and it really hurts. All these years later – so much. How can he make it up to me? I’m not sure that he can, especially while he continues to carry around his baggage from it and sit in it. I want to believe that he wasn’t well during those years, and many times I believe and feel that he is really remorseful. His guilt is and has been a heavy burden for him. But, it’s not my fault and I have suffered enough for things that I had nothing to do with. I have been the loyal and loving wife – always. I deserve so much better then what he did – and he knows it. And, so do you. Marriage is for better or worse, but did you really expect this much worse? We all f*** up. This is true, but a person can only take so much.

[thistim3]

So the other day he remembers how his face felt when he was on coke and how he thought I noticed it and that I would then know what was actually happening (he was using coke). No, I told him. I didn’t notice that – how his face moved differently, I never guessed that. The man I knew would never do those things. I love this man. Not possible. What I did notice is that he stopped looking at me and that hurt. I couldn’t figure it out. It didn’t make sense. When he finally confessed that he was using coke all those years ago – I didn’t even know what that meant. What was he saying? So scary. Yes. I thought about leaving him. So many times. Instead, I went to the library and took out some books and read and read. Then searched and found the Nar-Anon meetings that I read about. I told him this now after he tells me about his numb face memory.

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