[thistim3]

Thank you James for your insight. I have a question. Why do you suppose some addicts will cheat on their partner – and some addicts will not and never cheat? While many of the behaviors and stories are so similar there is this difference. And, also many addicts will be verbally abusive who never were before the drugs, and some addicts will even be violent. Why are some addicts violent (who never were before) and some addicts who are never violent and could never be violent.

[thistim3]

Thanks so much for sharing these videos James. I randomly go through old posts and I’m so glad that I came across this one of yours. Hope you’re doing well.

[thistim3]

Scary and disturbing are also words to describe your experience, because of the violence from your addict.  Awful what you are going through.  Hugs.  The drastic personality change is also what I experienced with my addict.  It is not uncommon in these stories.  It truly is a real life horror movie.  This is trauma that takes time to recover from.  Coming here is a good choice as we also have experienced this trauma.  Nar-Anon group meetings helped me so much.  I felt so isolated until then as I couldn’t talk about it with my family, friends, coworkers.  One of the women that I met there ‘Jane’ had a crack addicted boyfriend.  She had horrible experiences with him for over 20 years.  One day her addict boyfriend went to a rehab across town and finally cleaned up.  He met another women while at the rehab and quickly married her.  Jane never even got an engagement ring after all those years waiting for him to clean up and propose to her. She wanted to have children with him.  Jane is in her sixties now, never married, never had any children.  Her addict actually blamed her for his addiction even though she never used any street drugs! She still talks about it all like it just happened yesterday.  Hopefully you will continue to take care of yourself and find a healthy way through and past what has happened.

[thistim3]

To the women who want to start a family with an addict – DON’T.  It will be the loneliest and most scary time of your life. He won’t be there for you or your child in any capacity.  You will be without resources to take care of your baby and yourself.  He will most likely cheat on you and be surprisingly cruel.  Read these stories. They are all similar stories.  They are all real.  Even if he quits the drugs, he still will never be the same person that you fell in love with.  That person is gone.  Release him with love. Grieve for your loss.  Save yourself and your future children from this debilitating and life long heartbreak.  And move on.

[thistim3]

The shock and trauma of our addict’s behaviors is something that we have to settle in ourselves. Not for them – for us.  Whether we stay with them – or not.  The stories here are all very similar.  The addict’s will do what they all do. What they have always done. It doesn’t matter who they are with, who their parents are, who their children are, who they are married to, who they are.  We all want to feel that for us, they won’t ever do the awful things that they do – or did.  This vile drug – cocaine will change the best of the best. It will devastate them and all who love them. When you realize that it doesn’t matter what you say or do. When you realize that.  Only then can you figure out how to release them and move forward, to put your shock, pain, and trauma in a healthier place. So, there is a reasonable chance to heal and move forward. With or without them.

[thistim3]

This (his addiction) is not your fault. You can’t control it.  The only thing you can control is yourself.  If I had known what was happening and what was going to happen before pregnant with our first – I wouldn’t be with him now.  So weird to feel this after loving him since I met him when I was a teenager.  What he has put me through with this I wouldn’t want for anyone.  Our oldest stopped by last night and we talked about the fun we had all those years ago.  And I feel like I have a victory over the cocaine as I am proud of the way I did live during those years.  I was scared and lonely with my husband during his cocaine years (I didn’t know what was happening to him until he quit). He was awful.  I still found a way to be happy anyways.  I realized recently that I still can’t tell him how much money I have. In my purse, in my bank account, in my retirement account – anywhere. I still can’t trust him with this information. It’s not something I’m proud of.  It is a consequence of his behavior all those years ago.  A choice I made for myself at that time.  To take care of myself. To take care of our children.

[thistim3]

You have found a great source of support here.  It is traumatic to experience what you are describing.  You can’t fix him.  He is out of control.  Focus right now on taking care of yourself.  Nar-anon is a great support group, also consider a therapist.

[thistim3]

Nar-Anon helped me so much.  Try to find a group and if it doesn’t feel right try a different one until you find ‘your’ Nar-Anon group.  Then you might find that you can rebuild your life (with or without your addict).

[thistim3]

JJW45 – hopefully you’re doing good.  So many people probably get addicted this way.  They need surgery or get hurt.  Or, like my husband – they just casually try something with their buddies.  Before long – realize that their world is out of control.  This can happen to anyone.  It takes courage to turn around and look at yourself.  The struggle is very real.  Remember who you are and what you want.  This is what I remind myself all the time.  I need to be happy, so I will find a way to be there – everyday.

[thistim3]

Test and protect yourself from sexual transmitted diseases (std), if you suspect or know that your partner is cheating.

[thistim3]

My husband didn’t know about our miscarriage that happened decades ago until recently when we finally started to talk about the years he was using cocaine. Reading these messages helped me remember how he blamed me for so many things that went wrong, but not his drug use. I didn’t know what was happening with that until the day he quit, which was years after he started with it.  This drug is so evil.  It took years, all these years, for him to realize how incredibly awful he was on cocaine and how hard it was for him to quit. His behavior during those years has hit him hard and he is struggling with that now.  Just like all those years ago, I can’t fix it and I am not the bad guy.  One of the weird things now is that he will mention something that happened then and while he is talking about it, he realizes how his way of thinking about it then was wrong. I watch it move over his face. I have no words for him, so I will hug him.  Years ago it didn’t happen like that. He was awful and I couldn’t figure out what or why.  WTF is wrong with him?  I thought and probably asked him if he was ok, but he never explained himself and he just didn’t make any sense so much of the time.  I knew him and loved him for years before this drug crippled his head.  I often wonder how he could have let any of it happen. He took the drug and it happened.  That is the whole answer.

[thistim3]

When I found out and confronted him (more than 30 years ago), he quit. I went thru the emotions you mentioned, prayed, read about it, went to Nar-anon meetings, and told his parents (no-one else other than a therapist – I still haven’t talked about it with anybody, but him).  I figured that if he was my child and he was trying to kill himself – I would want to know.  I stayed out of his way and tried to have the best day that I could, everyday.

[thistim3]

Awful that you are going through this.  Despite all of it –  still it is possible to be happy.  The stories here will help you find your way.  Kids grow so fast and they need you to be strong and happy., Try to take the focus off him (he has to sort himself out on his own) and focus instead on your kids and yourself.  I have such great memories with my kids – when my husband was at his worst. I believe that the normalcy that my kids and I were living everyday helped my husband get off and stay off the evil drug cocaine.  Nar-anon is a great place for support as well.

[thistim3]

This morning I’m reading all your posts as I seem to struggle more in the morning.  Your posts are heartbreaking. So, sad what you and your children have had to endure. And, also your husband who has been taken over by cocaine. The cocaine is the bad guy. It truly is a horror story. The day to day of scary moments. I remember it and it still terrifies me, maybe because it can all come undone again in an instant. If he has a weak moment and decides to use it again.  But, he hasn’t. This is the time for New Year’s resolutions.  For me, I want to be in a better place mentally with this.  I have taken a difficult look at myself for how I’ve dealt with his addiction through the years. I tried so hard to protect myself and our kids. I didn’t know what was wrong and thought he would eventually just tell me all those years ago. He was so awful, the bad moods and verbal abuse.  The lonely and isolated feelings. And, protecting myself involved me pushing it all down and forcing myself to forget it all. Strange how the mind works. He quit the coke and I left the horrific memories behind and we found happiness again. Seems like a great plan, until it all just slams back at you unexpectedly. Now struggling so much from the memories and the what ifs. Somewhere along the way I apparently decided that I couldn’t live with the fear of it all, so I just wouldn’t and didn’t. Why can’t I just pack it all up again and put it away. I did that for years and I’ve been happy and I felt safe.  I have all the reasons to be happy and feel safe. What do I need? I am struggling with this answer daily.  I hope and pray that you and your family will also find your way to happiness and safety.

[thistim3]

<p style=”text-align: left;”>rdnd – Thank you for your comments here.  I continue to try to understand how this drug has affected my husband.  Your description of this nightmare that is difficult and heartbreaking to watch as I saw my husband change into someone else when I was looking right at him.  It forever changed him even though he quit using it decades ago.</p>

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