[thistim3]

18 months in, no children between you, lies, secrets, and 13k debt.  Be done and do yourself a favor.  He has showed you who and what he is capable of. Believe him – especially the parts that are tangible.  Save yourself! Not many win this battle. NOBODY is worth ruining your whole life over.

[thistim3]

Stay or leave. There is more than 2 choices. There’s numerous choices everyday.  Take the focus off of your spouse and the vodka line.  Hard as it is (I’ve been there though the circumstances were different). Instead do something for yourself, i.e. see a movie, go for a walk, see a friend, go for a run, paint a room, take a class, etc. Whatever you want. One day at time – one moment at a time. The answers (choices) will come to you as figure it out – while you are calm and most likely – when you’re not even thinking about it.

[thistim3]

It was almost 40 years ago – FORTY. When I began to realize that something was very wrong bank then.  It was almost 5 years later before I confronted him with a bank statement and he told me ‘cocaine’.  He quit, and we moved on.  The good – we still love each other and are still together.  The bad – you already know.  The ugly – we have both been traumatized by what happened all those years ago and after years of pushing it down and happily living our lives, it feels like it has come back up from Hell and violently slapped us both around again. I remember now how scared, alone, and helpless I felt. I tried to protect myself and our children from something that I didn’t even know what it was. Shocking and disturbing still.  My advice is to remember who you are and what you want – in both for right now AND in the future as one day you will look back on this most horrific time.  I am proud of myself for how I handled it all – and, also of him. My husband (an addict) who was dragged into Hell and clawed his way out and quit using that vile substance all those years ago.  Do what you have to to keep yourself safe. Prayers.

[thistim3]

To be a non user of coke all these years and now this. The panic attacks are really scary for him and for me too as I have seen him have them.

[thistim3]

He did quit the coke decades ago – just like I hoped he would (and you are hoping for with your loved one), but he is NOT the same guy that I fell in love with all those years ago. That guy was sincere, attentive, always loving, happy, transparent, caring, supportive, charming, engaging, my rock. This guy is remorseful, full of anxieties, brash, guarded, sad, selfish – and sometimes the qualities of the younger guy that I fell in love with. I see the younger guy sometimes – but I want that guy all the time. Since that is the guy I want, I’m always trying to find him in there. But, what do you expect? He decided coke was a good idea all those years ago. Coke was created by the devil. Sometimes I wonder why I didn’t leave him all those years ago. He was awful. I didn’t know what was actually happening, and I refused to believe that he would turn his back me, but he did – totally. Coke changed him. He didn’t even tell me the truth until I finally had the guts to confront him just a few years ago. The truth is, for me anyways is that sometimes I wish that I would have left him all those years ago as I think that overall – my life would have been better. And, sometimes I am happy that I didn’t know about the coke until he quit it (5 years after he started it) and that I didn’t know that he cheated on me during the coke years until just a few years ago, as I know that I would have left him and I wouldn’t be with him now. The point is that we can’t go back to where we were before he started using coke. We’re not the same people. We still love each other, but we are both broken in some ways. He hurt me so badly emotionally, and like you – I didn’t deserve any of it. I am determined to get past it, but the damage is great and it really hurts. All these years later – so much. How can he make it up to me? I’m not sure that he can, especially while he continues to carry around his baggage from it and sit in it. I want to believe that he wasn’t well during those years, and many times I believe and feel that he is really remorseful. His guilt is and has been a heavy burden for him. But, it’s not my fault and I have suffered enough for things that I had nothing to do with. I have been the loyal and loving wife – always. I deserve so much better then what he did – and he knows it. And, so do you. Marriage is for better or worse, but did you really expect this much worse? We all f*** up. This is true, but a person can only take so much.

[thistim3]

So the other day he remembers how his face felt when he was on coke and how he thought I noticed it and that I would then know what was actually happening (he was using coke). No, I told him. I didn’t notice that – how his face moved differently, I never guessed that. The man I knew would never do those things. I love this man. Not possible. What I did notice is that he stopped looking at me and that hurt. I couldn’t figure it out. It didn’t make sense. When he finally confessed that he was using coke all those years ago – I didn’t even know what that meant. What was he saying? So scary. Yes. I thought about leaving him. So many times. Instead, I went to the library and took out some books and read and read. Then searched and found the Nar-Anon meetings that I read about. I told him this now after he tells me about his numb face memory.

[thistim3]

Hugs and prayers.❤

[thistim3]

So long ago, but I don’t remember talking with him about it much. I was too scared. I was too scared to know what was happening with him. He told me that he loved me and that he would quit, I wanted to believe him, so I left him alone. I started attending NarAnon meetings every week for several years, enjoyed our children, prayed for us, and worked at different jobs. We never talked about it – for decades. Despite all of the horror of it, looking back, I have many happy memories. I love him, I love all the happy times we had after he quit. I remember these arguments we would have when he was on the coke and I would think then that I don’t want to argue with him. What can I do, so that we don’t argue about whatever it was ever again. And I would make another decision, then we wouldn’t have that argument anymore. There is many choices that you can make. It’s not just stay or leave him/her. A NarAnon saying is ‘One Day At A Time’, but sometimes it really is ‘One Moment At A Time’.

[thistim3]

My story is in my old posts. After about 5 years of his different behaviors I opened a bank statement that came in the mail and immediately phoned the bank. The bank confirmed that my husband was responsible for all the withdrawals. I confronted him. It was so awful to hear him tell it. I stayed away from him, and he went to a counselor. He slept a lot and seemed even more miserable for many weeks later. Gradually everyday things got better. He has always said that ultimately he quit it on his own. Nobody really helped him do it. He has often said that there is no real secret to quit, you just do it and it is really hard as the cravings are so strong. He was scared then that I would really leave him and take our kids with me. Maybe just confessing to me about the coke helped him to quit it. I was so upset, I told his parents – nobody else. I was so scared that he would die then. His parents confronted him then, which I think helped him to stay off of it. Also, his counselor died of an overdose a few months later, which probably scared him as well to stay away from it.

[thistim3]

Awful what you are going through. While you are trying to sort this out for yourself, know that you presently have many choices. Everyday. Small ones, big ones. The answers will come to you. What can you do about your finances that will provide you with some sense of security? (I put money aside that he didn’t have access to and no longer had his name on bank accounts or credit cards. Yes, we are married). When he says awful things to you – what can you do to help yourself not be affected by it at that moment? (I took our kids to the park, and went out to the show and saw a movie by myself that distracted me from what was happening with him). Make choices that help you feel better about yourself – not choices that you may regret latter. It took about 5 years until my husband confessed to using coke. I have never seen him do it. At that time he quit, just like that as I told him I would leave him. I had no resources, but I knew that I would figure out a way to get away from him – eventually. Just typing this makes me feel kind of sick. Decades later I am learning about the rest of it as we have recently started to talk about it. This drug turned my husband into a weirdo. It is heartbreaking, disturbing, and scary what happened all those years ago.

[thistim3]

Last night he told me that it wasn’t him. The coke took him over and the person he became was not him. So scary. Who was he then? I asked him again after waiting years for the answer to the question that I had asked so many times – and that he had avoided answering so many times. I knew the answer. I needed to hear him say it. How did he feel about me when he was using coke. That is the question that I needed to know all these years. Last night he told me. He told me that he didn’t care about me at all. I knew it, I felt it, I lived it, he just said it. It hurts. I needed to hear him say it. After years of being with him, being happy together, trying for many months to be pregnant, feeling so happy that we were expecting, then so overwhelmed with morning sickness, he was then emotionally and physically gone from me. I was alone and scared. I finally have his answer – decades later.

[thistim3]

If I could do it all over again, I would have left as soon as I realized something was really wrong while pregnant with our first. Mine could have been an amazing husband/father for the next 5 years following, but he was really awful and absent.

[thistim3]

Yes, PTSD – both of us. We are now having conversations that we never thought we would. Years ago he would also make these weird faces at me, maybe so I would stop looking at him. I’ve been wanting him to just talk about it. Recently he has, just bits. This is scary for both of us. I notice if I don’t say anything (which is difficult for me), he may say more. But, if I say anything right when he first mentions something – he just shuts down. Like yesterday – he just comes out and tells me that the coppers chased him many times and he went on and told me about a couple of these chases. I wanted to ask him why he was being chased, but I didn’t as I felt he would stop telling me about what happened.

[thistim3]

It is 3 am, and I woke again with memories. It comes sometimes in little bits and my mind kind of holds on and provides more alittle at a time. Recently I remember that years ago while on the coke, he wouldn’t look at me. And, when he did it seemed that he didn’t want to and maybe even he choose to not see me when he did. I would be looking at him and . . . this takes me to this memory – this one moment where he was telling me that he was ‘going out’. He’s not looking at me when he says it, but rather at the wall I guess. So, I ask him if I can come with him. He seems surprised by this question and slowly turns his head and looks at me. It was one of our weirdest moments. The look on his face and the way that I felt, which I’m still trying to figure out. It didn’t seem like it was him. So scary. All those years ago.

[thistim3]

It is at times, more present than past – weathering the storm – not weathered the storm. As there are triggers for me that takes me right back there in an instant. Scary. I can be perfectly fine for days, weeks and months, then something triggers me and a long forgotten memory comes back to me and skakes me up. Then I have to figure out how to calm myself. I try not to take this to him as I would rather not. It is a struggle. But, when we do talk about it always seems to be a little bit better. Little bits better all through the years to this safer place all these years later that is only possible because he continues to not use.

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