[thistim3]

Hugs and prayers.❤

[thistim3]

So long ago, but I don’t remember talking with him about it much. I was too scared. I was too scared to know what was happening with him. He told me that he loved me and that he would quit, I wanted to believe him, so I left him alone. I started attending NarAnon meetings every week for several years, enjoyed our children, prayed for us, and worked at different jobs. We never talked about it – for decades. Despite all of the horror of it, looking back, I have many happy memories. I love him, I love all the happy times we had after he quit. I remember these arguments we would have when he was on the coke and I would think then that I don’t want to argue with him. What can I do, so that we don’t argue about whatever it was ever again. And I would make another decision, then we wouldn’t have that argument anymore. There is many choices that you can make. It’s not just stay or leave him/her. A NarAnon saying is ‘One Day At A Time’, but sometimes it really is ‘One Moment At A Time’.

[thistim3]

My story is in my old posts. After about 5 years of his different behaviors I opened a bank statement that came in the mail and immediately phoned the bank. The bank confirmed that my husband was responsible for all the withdrawals. I confronted him. It was so awful to hear him tell it. I stayed away from him, and he went to a counselor. He slept a lot and seemed even more miserable for many weeks later. Gradually everyday things got better. He has always said that ultimately he quit it on his own. Nobody really helped him do it. He has often said that there is no real secret to quit, you just do it and it is really hard as the cravings are so strong. He was scared then that I would really leave him and take our kids with me. Maybe just confessing to me about the coke helped him to quit it. I was so upset, I told his parents – nobody else. I was so scared that he would die then. His parents confronted him then, which I think helped him to stay off of it. Also, his counselor died of an overdose a few months later, which probably scared him as well to stay away from it.

[thistim3]

Awful what you are going through. While you are trying to sort this out for yourself, know that you presently have many choices. Everyday. Small ones, big ones. The answers will come to you. What can you do about your finances that will provide you with some sense of security? (I put money aside that he didn’t have access to and no longer had his name on bank accounts or credit cards. Yes, we are married). When he says awful things to you – what can you do to help yourself not be affected by it at that moment? (I took our kids to the park, and went out to the show and saw a movie by myself that distracted me from what was happening with him). Make choices that help you feel better about yourself – not choices that you may regret latter. It took about 5 years until my husband confessed to using coke. I have never seen him do it. At that time he quit, just like that as I told him I would leave him. I had no resources, but I knew that I would figure out a way to get away from him – eventually. Just typing this makes me feel kind of sick. Decades later I am learning about the rest of it as we have recently started to talk about it. This drug turned my husband into a weirdo. It is heartbreaking, disturbing, and scary what happened all those years ago.

[thistim3]

Last night he told me that it wasn’t him. The coke took him over and the person he became was not him. So scary. Who was he then? I asked him again after waiting years for the answer to the question that I had asked so many times – and that he had avoided answering so many times. I knew the answer. I needed to hear him say it. How did he feel about me when he was using coke. That is the question that I needed to know all these years. Last night he told me. He told me that he didn’t care about me at all. I knew it, I felt it, I lived it, he just said it. It hurts. I needed to hear him say it. After years of being with him, being happy together, trying for many months to be pregnant, feeling so happy that we were expecting, then so overwhelmed with morning sickness, he was then emotionally and physically gone from me. I was alone and scared. I finally have his answer – decades later.

[thistim3]

If I could do it all over again, I would have left as soon as I realized something was really wrong while pregnant with our first. Mine could have been an amazing husband/father for the next 5 years following, but he was really awful and absent.

[thistim3]

Yes, PTSD – both of us. We are now having conversations that we never thought we would. Years ago he would also make these weird faces at me, maybe so I would stop looking at him. I’ve been wanting him to just talk about it. Recently he has, just bits. This is scary for both of us. I notice if I don’t say anything (which is difficult for me), he may say more. But, if I say anything right when he first mentions something – he just shuts down. Like yesterday – he just comes out and tells me that the coppers chased him many times and he went on and told me about a couple of these chases. I wanted to ask him why he was being chased, but I didn’t as I felt he would stop telling me about what happened.

[thistim3]

It is 3 am, and I woke again with memories. It comes sometimes in little bits and my mind kind of holds on and provides more alittle at a time. Recently I remember that years ago while on the coke, he wouldn’t look at me. And, when he did it seemed that he didn’t want to and maybe even he choose to not see me when he did. I would be looking at him and . . . this takes me to this memory – this one moment where he was telling me that he was ‘going out’. He’s not looking at me when he says it, but rather at the wall I guess. So, I ask him if I can come with him. He seems surprised by this question and slowly turns his head and looks at me. It was one of our weirdest moments. The look on his face and the way that I felt, which I’m still trying to figure out. It didn’t seem like it was him. So scary. All those years ago.

[thistim3]

It is at times, more present than past – weathering the storm – not weathered the storm. As there are triggers for me that takes me right back there in an instant. Scary. I can be perfectly fine for days, weeks and months, then something triggers me and a long forgotten memory comes back to me and skakes me up. Then I have to figure out how to calm myself. I try not to take this to him as I would rather not. It is a struggle. But, when we do talk about it always seems to be a little bit better. Little bits better all through the years to this safer place all these years later that is only possible because he continues to not use.

[thistim3]

Hi NikkiC: NarAnon helped me SO much when my husband finally told me that he was using cocaine all those years ago. I don’t know how I could have gotten through the years after without this group. So scary to learn that someone you love so much is addicted. He quit pretty much all on his own, but he’s never really been the same. Recently he has been suffering from paranoia – panic attacks. He has begun seeing a therapist, which hasn’t happened since he quit using more than 3 decades ago. These last few years we started talking about this time of our lives and he shared many things that I didn’t know before. I think this stirred it all up in him and he seems to be traumatized by his behavior during those years. I’ll never know everything, but the look on his face when he talks and/or is thinking about this is a look of horror and deep sadness.

[thistim3]

My husband was treating me like this when he was using cocaine and drinking years ago. He hasn’t used either for several decades. Recently he admitted that he was cheating on me during those cocaine and alcohol years. Look right at him and ask him if he is having sex with others. Watch carefully what happens. The truth was all over his face.

[thistim3]

So lately after learning about the extent of his addiction to coke (I doubt I’ll ever know everything) all these years later – he is now suffering from panic attacks. It is like our discussions have stirred it all up in him and he’s having a hard time with the memories of what he was doing then. More than 30 years ago, when he quit using coke. So scary. He has hurt me emotionally more than I could have ever imagined, he has hurt himself same or worse. He has agreed to begin individual counseling next week. I’ve never seen him this upset.

[thistim3]

Thank you so much, Loving and Worthless for your words. They mean so much.

[thistim3]

Babymama: Your message is so sad. The love that you have for your family will get you through this. The answers that you need will come to you, but you must try to calm yourself first. Try not to react to whatever your husband is doing and stay in the moment with your children. You won’t regret it. Your husband will do whatever he will do, you can only control what you do and how you decide to live your life one day at a time. The years with your young children are priceless and the time goes by so fast.

[thistim3]

Hi Andy: You did the best that you could in a situation that could have escalated to something much worse – all while keeping true to yourself and Kate. Leave it all where it is right now and take care of yourself. I suspect that she knows that you are right, but the drug has a strong hold on her right now.

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