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Thanks, JamesB, your words help immensely. I’ve been struggling with it all over again after almost 40 years. He confessed to cocaine, cleaned up, things got better, we moved on. We hadn’t even talked about it – for decades. He became a loving husband and father, and then recently I found out that he had cheated on me numerous times during those difficult years – and, it all just slammed back into me. All those so hard days and nights, he was awful and I couldn’t figure it out. I have never even seen him use it – ever. He deserves forgiveness, and I believe that he feels ashamed of what happened all those years ago. And, if he could change it – he would. However, I don’t believe that you can heal from some things. If your child or parent passes away, you’re not gonna heal. That will always hurt. It can’t be changed – as your loved one is not coming back. He can’t change what he did. The best hope is acceptance, be realistic. Then make your decisions. Most are not going to win this battle.
All true. If I could have trusted my own self all those years ago, I would have left him then. I even know how I could have. I have recently planned it all out. No other choice, as this is a battle that realistically not many win. And yet, we had, maybe, one of the best outcomes as he quit the coke more then 30 years ago (except for 2 very short relapses). As bad as it was, our story could have been so much worse. Still it is hard to believe eventhough I know now it is true – this scenario that Esta describes. We were together years before the coke years. This coke shit is capable (and did) of turning him into this horror show. It could happen to anyone. It leaves me with a old wound. Ripped wide open – bigger then before. I trusted him, which I’m supposed to. He is my husband. I have been living a life that didn’t include the whole truth. How can I make myself better with it all? I have to, I want to. I believe it is possible to heal from this, but not sure exactly how.
Esta tells the truth! I have almost 5 decades in this. I still don’t know what happened! He won’t talk about it. When the topic comes up, he has a look on his face that I have only seen on this topic. It’s a look of discomfort, shame, and possibly trauma. I thought I knew this man, love of my life. When this topic comes up. I can only guess wtf is happening to him – and me. He has told me that he wishes that none of it ever happened (I believe him), that if I knew – I would leave him now after all these years (35-40 years ago the events happened with his coke years). I’m ready to hear it, he won’t tell it. Sometimes I wonder who has it worse – me the betrayed or him the staying clean addict. I figure sooner or later he will tell me about all of it. I’m scared. I can’t unknow it after he tells it. Where will I be with it then?
Hi Vicki, So sorry that you are going thru this. I went thru a similar situation when my mother was sick and passed away 7 years ago. Comments from others felt uncomfortable while I tried to reconcile myself to this tragedy. I still feel that I did the best that I could with the circumstances even though I did not go to her bedside after years of being estranged. I loved her and love her still. Don’t be hard on yourself. Everybody has to find their own way thru these situations and do what feels right for themselves.
Cocaine is the devil. Prepare yourself for the worst.
Thank you, Danman83, for mentioning Alan Charles. After watching some of his youtube videos and writings online – I have ordered his book. Your honesty and insights are invaluable here.
Hi Dan: Thank you for your honesty. It really helps to understand what my husband put himself through. I haven’t asked him this yet, but need to know if coke can also make someone feel incredibly violent. He never was to me or our kids, but I wonder now if we were in any real danger. When I finally knew what was happening and he was on coke – I went to his parents and told them. If my son was trying to kill himself I would want to know. I believe that their knowledge and support was a big factor for him in getting off the coke and staying off of it. His relationship with them became so much better and now that his father is gone – means so much.
Stay with the program and stay here. We need you.
So sorry for your loss. It’s so hard to lose a loved one. Allow yourself to grieve no matter what anyone says, but take care of yourself too.
Hi Dan: My husband cleaned up decades ago, and admitted to only 2 relapses all these years later. Cocaine probably would have ended us all those years ago if I knew he was having sex with other women during that time. Why do you suppose some cheat and others don’t while on coke? Have you cheated while on coke? If you did or didn’t – why?
‘So I’m back and I’m not going to give up.’ Love this. Sometimes it really is – one moment at a time. One moment at a time is manageable. Prayers Danman83.
Louisa2021, look for a NarAnon meeting. You will meet so many people that have a similar story to yours. This support group will help you through this. Try a different NarAnon meeting if the meeting(s) you find aren’t beneficial for you. If you’re not married and you don’t have children with this man, most people will tell you to get away from him for good. That’s my advice as you will have a better life experience without him.
I’m the wife, who thought we left the nightmare behind decades ago. If I knew then what I know now – would I still be here? I keep asking myself. His addiction has provided so much hurt. I didn’t deserve any of it. Neither did he. I didn’t sign up for it. I mean really, if the person you love were to tell you flat out, ‘I’m gonna do coke, and I’m gonna disappear for long periods of time – you will never know where I’m going or who I will be with or know what we will do, large amounts of money will be spent, you will be treated badly, there will be numerous lies – right to your face, and there will be cheating.’ This will be your life. Does it matter if they love you or you love them? Trying hard to keep my truth, which is to be happy with us one day at a time going forward. Stay in the present moment and not think about the events that are in the past that I hate. If you really love your wife (addicted man), give up the drugs anyway that you can and let yourself be happy again. And, wife if you really love your addicted man – give him a chance to be happy again. By truly leaving it in the past. How’s that for a challenge?
It was decades ago, and I suspected several – no, many times that he might be cheating. But, then I would immediately not believe it when thinking about the man that I knew and loved. That man wouldn’t cheat on me. The man on the cocaine married to me would and did cheat. I didn’t know about the coke and didn’t believe he would cheat. The cheating I just found out about last year.
This freak show went on for about 5 years. Today knowing what I now, I have all these emotions. I feel weirded out by all this. This man that I love. He is embarrassed by his behavior all those years ago – the coke years. I’m still processing this. He quit the coke decades ago the day I found out about it, that’s what we both wanted. We are blessed. I have to forgive and put it behind us if there is any chance for happiness. As I continue to wonder where he was all those hours and days during the coke years. Where do our loved ones go when they disappear and leave us to go on their drug binge? When I ask he gets this look on face that he is also weirded out. He doesn’t want to look at it. Look at what? What happened? When will I know the rest? Does it matter?
It was decades ago, and I suspected several – no, many times that he might be cheating. But, then I would immediately not believe it when thinking about the man that I knew and loved. That man wouldn’t cheat on me. The man on the cocaine married to me would and did cheat. I didn’t know about the coke and didn’t believe he would cheat. The cheating I just found out about last year.
This freak show went on for about 5 years. Today knowing what I now, I have all these emotions. I feel weirded out by all this. This man that I love. He is embarrassed by his behavior all those years ago – the coke years. I’m still processing this. He quit the coke, that’s what we both wanted. We are blessed. I have to forgive and put it behind us if there is any chance for happiness. As I continue to wonder where he was all those hours and days during the coke years. Where do our loved ones go when they disappear and leave us to go on their drug binge? When I ask he gets this look on face that he is also weirded out. He doesn’t want to look at it. Look at what? What happened? When will I know the rest?
Hi Vics82. I feel your pain, I’ve been where you are. My advice is to focus on the immediate moment, and go one moment at a time. Whether it is spending time with your children, the task at hand, or a quiet bath for yourself. Make the most of these moments and try to find the peace you need within yourself.