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Hi NikkiC: NarAnon helped me SO much when my husband finally told me that he was using cocaine all those years ago. I don’t know how I could have gotten through the years after without this group. So scary to learn that someone you love so much is addicted. He quit pretty much all on his own, but he’s never really been the same. Recently he has been suffering from paranoia – panic attacks. He has begun seeing a therapist, which hasn’t happened since he quit using more than 3 decades ago. These last few years we started talking about this time of our lives and he shared many things that I didn’t know before. I think this stirred it all up in him and he seems to be traumatized by his behavior during those years. I’ll never know everything, but the look on his face when he talks and/or is thinking about this is a look of horror and deep sadness.
My husband was treating me like this when he was using cocaine and drinking years ago. He hasn’t used either for several decades. Recently he admitted that he was cheating on me during those cocaine and alcohol years. Look right at him and ask him if he is having sex with others. Watch carefully what happens. The truth was all over his face.
Babymama: Your message is so sad. The love that you have for your family will get you through this. The answers that you need will come to you, but you must try to calm yourself first. Try not to react to whatever your husband is doing and stay in the moment with your children. You won’t regret it. Your husband will do whatever he will do, you can only control what you do and how you decide to live your life one day at a time. The years with your young children are priceless and the time goes by so fast.
Hi Andy: You did the best that you could in a situation that could have escalated to something much worse – all while keeping true to yourself and Kate. Leave it all where it is right now and take care of yourself. I suspect that she knows that you are right, but the drug has a strong hold on her right now.
Thanks, JamesB, your words help immensely. I’ve been struggling with it all over again after almost 40 years. He confessed to cocaine, cleaned up, things got better, we moved on. We hadn’t even talked about it – for decades. He became a loving husband and father, and then recently I found out that he had cheated on me numerous times during those difficult years – and, it all just slammed back into me. All those so hard days and nights, he was awful and I couldn’t figure it out. I have never even seen him use it – ever. He deserves forgiveness, and I believe that he feels ashamed of what happened all those years ago. And, if he could change it – he would. However, I don’t believe that you can heal from some things. If your child or parent passes away, you’re not gonna heal. That will always hurt. It can’t be changed – as your loved one is not coming back. He can’t change what he did. The best hope is acceptance, be realistic. Then make your decisions. Most are not going to win this battle.
All true. If I could have trusted my own self all those years ago, I would have left him then. I even know how I could have. I have recently planned it all out. No other choice, as this is a battle that realistically not many win. And yet, we had, maybe, one of the best outcomes as he quit the coke more then 30 years ago (except for 2 very short relapses). As bad as it was, our story could have been so much worse. Still it is hard to believe eventhough I know now it is true – this scenario that Esta describes. We were together years before the coke years. This coke shit is capable (and did) of turning him into this horror show. It could happen to anyone. It leaves me with a old wound. Ripped wide open – bigger then before. I trusted him, which I’m supposed to. He is my husband. I have been living a life that didn’t include the whole truth. How can I make myself better with it all? I have to, I want to. I believe it is possible to heal from this, but not sure exactly how.
Esta tells the truth! I have almost 5 decades in this. I still don’t know what happened! He won’t talk about it. When the topic comes up, he has a look on his face that I have only seen on this topic. It’s a look of discomfort, shame, and possibly trauma. I thought I knew this man, love of my life. When this topic comes up. I can only guess wtf is happening to him – and me. He has told me that he wishes that none of it ever happened (I believe him), that if I knew – I would leave him now after all these years (35-40 years ago the events happened with his coke years). I’m ready to hear it, he won’t tell it. Sometimes I wonder who has it worse – me the betrayed or him the staying clean addict. I figure sooner or later he will tell me about all of it. I’m scared. I can’t unknow it after he tells it. Where will I be with it then?
Hi Vicki, So sorry that you are going thru this. I went thru a similar situation when my mother was sick and passed away 7 years ago. Comments from others felt uncomfortable while I tried to reconcile myself to this tragedy. I still feel that I did the best that I could with the circumstances even though I did not go to her bedside after years of being estranged. I loved her and love her still. Don’t be hard on yourself. Everybody has to find their own way thru these situations and do what feels right for themselves.
Cocaine is the devil. Prepare yourself for the worst.
Thank you, Danman83, for mentioning Alan Charles. After watching some of his youtube videos and writings online – I have ordered his book. Your honesty and insights are invaluable here.
Hi Dan: Thank you for your honesty. It really helps to understand what my husband put himself through. I haven’t asked him this yet, but need to know if coke can also make someone feel incredibly violent. He never was to me or our kids, but I wonder now if we were in any real danger. When I finally knew what was happening and he was on coke – I went to his parents and told them. If my son was trying to kill himself I would want to know. I believe that their knowledge and support was a big factor for him in getting off the coke and staying off of it. His relationship with them became so much better and now that his father is gone – means so much.
Stay with the program and stay here. We need you.
So sorry for your loss. It’s so hard to lose a loved one. Allow yourself to grieve no matter what anyone says, but take care of yourself too.
Hi Dan: My husband cleaned up decades ago, and admitted to only 2 relapses all these years later. Cocaine probably would have ended us all those years ago if I knew he was having sex with other women during that time. Why do you suppose some cheat and others don’t while on coke? Have you cheated while on coke? If you did or didn’t – why?