[TinaC]

I am so glad to find this site.  My husband of 29 years passed away last month from alcohol abuse.  He been a drinker since he was young, but had quit for 5 years.  In the past 6 years or so his medical health had gotten very bad (stents in his heart, diabetic, liver disease, low hemoglobin, etc etc).  He has started to get more aggresive and violent last summer and as hard as it was I had to leave. He blamed me for everything, as he had done for many years. My son and I went through so much mental torment for years.  Even though we had been living apart for over a year, I still kept him on my benefits from work so he could get his medication, helped him out where I could.  His health got very bad, he was falling a lot which was likely due to low blood among other things.  He was in and out of the hospital every few weeks. He had so much support and love but would not go to get help.  He was using a walker for the past few months and even though he was weak he could manage to get across to the plaza near his apartment to buy beer.  I had said so many times that he was drinking himself to death and that my son or I would come home one day to find him dead.  The day he passed I had called him on my lunch and he said he was feeling weak ( but this wasn’t anything unusual as he didn’t eat or take care of himself) so I told him to call an ambulance.  He asked if I could pick up his medication at the pharmacy after work and drop them off and I said I would, and I also said if he was still feeling weak I was going to take him to the hospital.  5 hours later I dropped off his medication – when I walked into the apartment he was on his reclining chair and I thought he was sleeping or passed out with  all the beer cans around the apartment. What I had feared for years had happened – I called his name, shook him, saw that he wasn’t breathing. I tried CPR and called for paramedics, but when they gone there they said it was too late, he was gone.  Even though this scenario had gone through my mind dozens of times, when it happened it still shocked me.  I felt guilty for leaving him even though if I hadn’t he would like have hurt me or my son.  I still feel guilty for so many things. I am doing grief counselling and attending Al Anon, but I don’t feel like my situation “fits” anywhere – until I googled “wives who have lost a spouse to alcohol” and came across this forum.   I am so sorry for what you all are going through, but I feel after reading the stories that you would truly understand.  Thank you for letting me share.

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