[Trier333]

Hi, reading all these posts gives me comfort in knowing I’m not alone. My partner/boyfriend of 5+ died 7 months ago from liver failure. Our relationship started off great and never realizing he was a heavy drinker when we met and later, I adopted his drinking habits until I started noticing a couple years into our relationship suspicious behavior. When we met, my son was 7 years old and he had two adult children from his previous marriage. We waited to introduce our kids into our relationship and didn’t start the blending of our families until after a year of dating. Over the years, the bond I developed with his kids became stronger and the bond he had with my son did as well. The slow drip of alcoholism came to light several years ago when I noticed the vodka in the freezer was being emptied sooner, then catching him taking sips in the middle of the night and confronting him. Later on, he began hiding it and I kept finding bottles, in the closet, in his car, his work and etc. His kids and I had an intervention a couple years ago and after that, the disease got worse along with his behavior. I was trapped in the car with him driving at 11am when I realized he was drunk, swerving on the highway, begging him to pull over. Luckily, no crash and he pulled over and we cried together. I discovered he had an affair, which began my therapy journey and soon after, began going to Al-Anon. He missed out on his daughter’s engagement, failed to show up for my son, lie after lie, I was living in constant chaos. I was the bridge between his kids and him trying to teach them about alcoholism as I was learning myself. My partner, loved me, my son and his kids dearly. He was never abusive to us or yelled was he was drunk. He was always jovial, vibrant, said hello to everyone person on the street, full of jokes and taught my son confidence in socialization because my son has struggled since he is autistic. When he drank, he was silent and more dangerous to himself from falling. He would disappear and I would be up all night running so many scenarios through my mind. He would come home with bruises on his face and many cuts to his forehead for falling. Many times, I’d find him in our garage passed out and would leave him there. At one point in our relationship, the drinking got so bad I decided I needed to move out to have another apartment for my son to have some stability. We lived separately for 8 months and during that time, he did go to rehab. We wrote letters to one another while in rehab and I started reading so many books on “loving your partner in recovery.” After rehab, seeing the realities of alcoholism came to full light. I saw him differently, seeing that this disease is so much painful to him than the chaos it was bringing in my life. I could see the demon attached to him and he struggled to heal. He had friends in the same situation but sober for longer time and they kept surrounding themselves to him. He would go to AA regularly with them and they would check on me as well. We did couples therapy and helped through the dark days. Eventually, we moved back in with my partner. Near then end, as we both loved harder through the toughest days. I finally could really see him as I always knew, lovable, compassionate but deeply sad. The shame was so heavy that he was experiencing and broke my heart to see his vibrant spirit not shine. I changed the ways I responded to his drinking. If he came home drunk, he would go to our room and lay down. Before, I’d cry in another room, binge eat, binge on Netflix and not reach out to any support, just sit alone in sadness. My new response was to “not stop living,” so I’d leave and take a Pilates class instead or go to my sisters and have dinner. I would always come home, not runaway but take a break where I was doing something healthy for myself or surrounding myself around others. Days prior to his death, he started to reach a certain clarity. The drinking wasn’t getting any better and I wasn’t trying to “make him” do anything. He was making calls to his siblings and close friends, being vulnerable and sharing his next step, to go back to rehab. This was his choice, not from me badgering him or the kids. He called the facility he went before to make arrangements. The mornings, he started with great motivation but by late afternoon, he was drinking, full of shame. The night before he died, he didn’t come home and stayed on our boat instead. I begged him to come home, I told him “just Uber home.” I didn’t care that he was drunk, in my mind, being alone was worst for him. The self shaming is the hardest when you’re alone. The last thing I said, “you’re not meant to be alone to go through this.” He never made it home and the next day, I found him. A pain I could never describe and still feel today. I’m writing now because, after his death, I begged to have him in my dreams and lately, I see him in my dreams and he’s disappearing, wandering away, drunk in my dreams. Still, in my dreams, I’m experiencing the anxiety I live and continue to live today. He was a lovely man and I miss him severely everyday. He was my best friend and we shared the same humor, we had many inside jokes. The past holidays have been tough and the grief of my son, who is now 13, is the hardest for me to help. My grief alone is tough but seeing my son, struggle is heartbreaking. My son, knew of my partner’s alcoholism because my partner chose to tell him. After the love of my life died, we had to move to a new city, new school and I started a new job. Later on, I had to re-home our puppy because I couldn’t manage it. I am still very close to my partner’s kids, who I moved closer to and developed a friendship with his ex-wife. I always remember the good time, great memories and many laughs I had with my partner. The scars of alcoholism come up in my grief that many don’t understand and I struggle on sharing with my friends and family this. Just when I think I overcame a cycle of grief, another one comes and I’m broken all over again. Reading all these posts has helped me open up to others who I know, know what I feel and experience. I thank you all for sharing, and wish you strength and kindness to yourself everyday.

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