[vmac123]

That was my first thought but that would be a big jump straight to something that hardcore. He’s no marks on his skin and I’ve found nothing but these sachets. They’re gone now. I’ve seen nothing like them since. It’s now been back to drink.

[vmac123]

Yes I know that feeling only too well. I often come home after awful days to him having already been drinking and then trying to hide it. It’s the constant vigilance that makes me feel so exhausted and I guess angry. I don’t want to give up on him either but like you I don’t want to look back and think of these as wasted years that I blame him for. I’ve already been doing this for nearly 3 years and I don’t think I want to make it 4. I’m not getting younger and I’m starting to feel that I’m missing out on things I should be doing like making a home (we have a house but it isn’t a home when I am having to hide my things or look out for hidden bottles) and a family before I’m too old

[vmac123]

You’re all so right. I’m starting to lose my patience with it. I watch films, tv shows and read books and I’m not kidding myself that real life is anything like that but I am really starting to think I deserve better than someone who lies to me, can’t get through a week without a drink and cannot support and help me out or be trusted with money. I mean, I have to hide alcohol people give me as gifts and I don’t keep cash at all because it will go. Why do we keep putting up with this sort of stuff?

[vmac123]

I really don’t think that they can change if they don’t accept that it is a problem. I have come home every day for a week suspecting he is drunk. I’m finding whisky bottle seals – not the bottle yet – and he’s red faced, words slurred. I’m reaching a point when I just think why do I do this to myself? Enough has to be enough soon. I am not strong enough to keep putting up with it. I hope you’re all doing ok x

[vmac123]

I really don’t think that they can change if they don’t accept that it is a problem. I have come home every day for a week suspecting he is drunk. I’m finding whisky bottle seals – not the bottle yet – and he’s red faced, words slurred. I’m reaching a point when I just think why do I do this to myself? Enough has to be enough soon. I am not strong enough to keep putting up with it. I hope you’re all doing ok xx

[vmac123]

I hear you both. It’s a lonely lonely world the one we as partners of addicts live in. I am bearing with it at the minute – I think that mine was having a top up drink first thing this morning as I lay next to them in bed but as soon as I moved they spring back – I know there is something hidden but I don’t have the energy to look for it anymore. I’m teaching a point where I know if much more happens I will have to walk away for my own sanity. That thought is almost more painful than the not knowing ????????‍♀️ I feel like whatever happens I lose unless he actually changes. He’s supposed to have been meeting a counsellor this week but obviously tier 4 means no go to that. I don’t know why he can’t just do phone or online appointments but maybe I’m just too logical!

[vmac123]

Couldn’t agree more. I ask myself so many times a day. I’m sat on the sofa right now questioning if he’s been drinking today because he is speaking a little funny and didn’t eat barely any of his dinner… this life is exhausting!

[vmac123]

Your stories sound so much like mine! Fiancée has been doing the same secret drinking etc but his is coupled with a gambling addiction. I kicked him out and he went to his mom’s. He’s recently come back but the other day he had secretly drunk when I got home. I’m reaching the end of my tether – I don’t trust him and it makes me feel lonely. I was happier when it was just me here. I think if he doesn’t start to improve soon, I will have to call it a day. Stay strong though – and keep talking. This forum makes me feel so much better and so much less lonely! Xx

[vmac123]

Thanks for your reply Blackhound. I am asking myself everyday if I can ever truly trust him again. I’m still waiting to see if he gets this month’s wages sent to me. I’m already prepared that it will be a no and at that point I need to make it clear that I don’t want to be kept dangling. It shouldn’t be taking this long to sort his finances if he truly wants to come home. I’ve told him his wages come to me before he can move back in – that was at the start of October. I think allowing until December has been long enough to keep being told next month next month. This is truly the most difficult situation to be in. I think being the partner of an addict is horrific and I hope you are now doing okay.

[vmac123]

My mom knows this is coming I think. She’ll help me. I’m going to text his mom now and tell her he needs to go back to them for a bit at least. Maybe the shock of me making him go will prompt him to actually get some help ????????‍♀️ I just wish it weren’t so painful to do this

[vmac123]

I know. I feel so lost and helpless right now. 8 years of my life is being wrenched away because he can’t get out a bottle or away from a bookies. It just all seems so ridiculous

[vmac123]

I just can’t stop thinking what will happen to him now. I know it’s not my fault and his own demons and choices have led him that way but I do love him. I just can’t cope living like this anymore

[vmac123]

He’s sat downstairs drinking whiskey in pop. I smelt it in the glass. I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to tell him to go and stay with his parents tomorrow when he’s sober obviously – we all know that there’s no point talking to him drunk. I feel so broken right now like I’ve failed him but I just can’t keep doing this

[vmac123]

We’ve been to a family bbq tonight. He had one beer and pops because he was driving. He can do it.

I just wish I had the faith to believe he can continue to control this for good… I just don’t know if it is too far gone now. Will I ever trust him again?

[vmac123]

Interesting. I’ve never considered the CAB and I can’t really use MN because well I’m not a mum so I don’t think it would be the right space for me.

I am starting to try and rebuild things for myself before I get too far gone. I’ve realised how small my life has gotten. It literally revolves around him when I’m not at work. It’s either me dealing with the house or covering for him or waiting for him or we’re talking about him…. I could go on but I’m sure you know the drill! I’m going to start trying to take back more for me. He’s been a bit shocked this week I think by the fact I went out for a full day without contacting him and he was waiting for me and wondering where I was for a change!

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