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<p style=”text-align: left;”>I wanted to mention that when he was sober for the months in between he was a good father and he was not promiscuous at all. I see that the pull to escape and maybe the risk of dabbling in the sex world is appetizing and this is what he’s ultimately choosing though I wish it went how we both used to want it to be happy family & endless love., that all feels like a long lost dream. I wanted my family together so much. That’s all I ever wanted. That I’ve endured longer than anyone should. Bc I loved him. I know that our relationship has developed into a trauma bond. If I can be honest I know my mind is traumatized by this relationship and I feel I will not trust again. The risk is not worth the reward anymore. & I am trying to shift my mindset into thinking it’s not what I’m not doing, I am what I have become to him because of HIM. If anything I’ve become a lot stronger, I’ve grown into a woman and i’ve grown as a person. That I can be thankful for.</p>
I wanted to mention that when he was sober for the months in between he was a good father and he was not promiscuous at all. I see that the pull to escape and maybe the risk of dabbling in the sex world is appetizing and this is what he’s ultimately choosing though I wish it went how we both used to want it to be happy family & endless love., that all feels like a long lost dream. I wanted my family together so much. That’s all I ever wanted. That I’ve endured longer than anyone should. Bc I loved him. I know that our relationship has developed into a trauma bond. If I can be honest I know my mind is traumatized by this relationship and I feel I will not trust again. The risk is not worth the reward anymore. & I am trying to shift my mindset into thinking it’s not what I’m not doing, I am what I have become to him because of HIM. If anything I’ve become a lot stronger, I’ve grown into a woman and i’ve grown as a person. That I can be thankful for.
This is my first time trying something like this, it’s new to me, but hoping it can help, or I can get some advice and support where I can talk honestly about my feelings. I do not open up fully to my friends that I never see often anymore. My mom is the closest to me, she has enabled me to just take care of me and my boys and do what I have to do, to keep going. I live literally day to day, one day at at time. Being involved with someone who a drug addict is so unpredictable. I cannot plan ahead. We have been together for 10 years and have known each other longer (before he got into drugs) He has two older boys from a previous marriage that had failed related to his early years of addiction and infidelity. I got officially together with him after this, as I was coming off a divorce and was drinking heavily. We stated partying together, moved in together. A lot of love and experiences, even though we were both struggling we were always there for each other and he made me feel special, he was different, very intellectual, a kind heart, charming. More than meets the eye. I got away from it when I got pregnant with our first son, I completed a treatment program, and we had our second son 2 years after that. I resent the addiction behaviours but at that time the months in between after a week bender were good. We had a lot of good memories and I really felt he was my soulmate. I loved this guy to no end and he made me feel like I was this to him as well. There was more good than bad, even the struggle made us stronger and understand each other through the years. He kept using and I would slip every now and again. We dabbled in different sexual experiences together until the drug ruined our intimacy in the end. Always having the objective to quit, focus on family, and health and what matters. He’s been to rehab at homewood 4 times and going back in the next month or two for the fifth time.Fast forward 3-5 years down the road during this time, mind you he does not have me to accompany him anymore, I am working full time and have our kids to take care off. Resentment grows as risky behaviours are replaced mostly isolating in the basement, until the 3 or 4th day of staying awake he turns into a lunatic, walking around paranoid with a hammer thinking people are trying to come in to harm him. Hearing voices that are real to him, delusional story creation that I am doing something suspicious when I am not, and after he comes out of it, he still believes that it may be true and starts to look at me differently and little by little these escapades at hotels, escort calls, numerous sex messages, pics, videos, gay spas, that i believed his stories of the “close calls”and it is something that the drug draws him towards the risky behaviour it’s all talk and when it came down to it, he didn’t follow through, until I could not deal with the toxic environment anymore I was either packing my kids and going to my moms or I would luckily sometimes able to get him out, so he just ended up staying at hotels and pop in unannounced to the house spun. He would also message me the whole time either be about how sick, depressed, or wants to end his life, and how he can’t keep going through this cycle of self sabotage. By this time I have tried everything to try to help him stop, (taking his keys, wallet, getting out of the city, going to meetings, I’ve gotten angry, I’ve been nice, I’ve avoided, I’ve given ultimatums, I’ve given responsibility, I’ve taken it away) nothing helps. It does not matter. I now have zero trust, low self esteem, and feel helpless in helping someone, that I loved so much, I mean I just was so in love inside, he ignited something in my soul, that I can’t describe but all you want to do is keep giving it back because it just feels so so good. I truly felt like we were to be together and slowly it got chipped, chipped, chipped away by no having no respect for me, the addict narcissist turned, and we slowly grew apart. His wrong doings when he was high, always had an excuse, when I would try to address my feelings it would turn into a fight, and I would end up feeling like he’s the victim, I would actually feel sorry for him. His real actions were justified by his delusions and our fights. He cheated on me what he claims was the first time, while staying in a hotel with another girl he had met on the street. He states he was in psychosis it was but the sex was real and I had to hear the story 3 times and still helped him to the hospital. He told me like I had no feelings. He used to cry and really convince me how much he loves me and I read his letters he used to write for me and I cry. I miss his everyday texts in the morning like he really cared how I was doing, and the genuine caring like I meant something. I’ve held onto this past man & a future that now I feel in my heart is never going to happen. I had endless hope that he would get it and today, I feel i went from being too emotional to now so cold that I don’t have any feeling left in me. I’m emotionless to protect myself. It’s the only way I can cope with this because there is no in between good moments anymore. We just live in a house and have kids together. The last two years he can get past 1 month and these last 6-7 months it’s 3-5 days that consist of him using locking himself in the basement, bedroom, for 2 days, than singing uncontrollably mixed acute drug associated turrets for a whole day & through the night. Than day 4 -5 he goes out sending messages to random numbers, watching porn endlessly, he just went out on Friday afternoon and didn’t come back until 4:30 am creeping in the door, his answer sounded made up. He said he forgot where, than later told me it was a gay friend he’s been talking to. The thing that got me was I heard him talking on the phone upstairs from 11-6 am this morning to someone laughing, humbled, engaged, interested, he sounded happy enjoying a conversation that a feel I deserve, it reminded me of what I missed. I do not get that and it was hard to hear this. No care of him talking to another women when I’m in the next bedroom (I sleep alone for awhile). And the text & picture messages before and afterwards. Why am I in this dying relationship, allowing for him to be complacent with disrespect for me and our family. And before he crashes he goes through a period of uncontrollable yelling like rage, yelling at himself and swearing and screaming behind closed door. My kids have been witness to this, I try to get them to stay at my moms before this happens lately as I can predict the cycle bc she has to take them to school usually now. His life is using and when he crashes he’s sleeping and miserable, depressed and does not participate or do anything. I see how his behaviour is affecting my boys they are 7 and 9 and he has no respect to leave. It is so unfair that he just does not care anymore for my boundaries that I have tried to set or how he is affecting our kids. I have the feeling in my heart that I dreaded would come inside when love has left for him & me and I need to make the choice and let him go, there is so much damage and resentment inside , I am just tired and so so exhausted with work, his behaviours, packing up my kids , being a single mom pretty much, I am lonely, I don’t see my friends anymore, my mom and sister do not want to be around him so it’s strained my family, I love his boys, but they haven’t been coming over often. I have no hobbies, or workout this last year, I just feel so alone and I want to break down, I’m tired of carrying everything and being strong I just want to cry and scream at the same time. I am tired of trying to hold it together for my kids, I am so fu!#%ng sad inside that my house is not a home with love. He’s taken that away. He says that I need to show him love again, that’s what will help our family, im so unhappy, i get nothing from this relationship anymore from him, how dare he request that and put it on me when he is the one in the wrong and it is me that needs love. I feel he doesn’t care anymore the drug has numbed his mind and soul, it’s just empty fulfillment now for him. He does not respect me. He is lost and we are two strangers now. It’s really sad to see the deterioration slowly and the person just disappears. I decided to reach out on here bc I’m at my end I can’t live in this with my two sons anymore. He has broken our family and has treated me like a staircase, I know we deserve better and I need to find the courage to step. I am dreading the separation and selling the house process. I feel it is going to be a very difficult process. I’m debating on whether I should just step and stay at my moms house permanently right now, seek legal counsel and try to sell my house through the court system? Or chancing it hear which I love my house, he should go but he’s too ignorant and il have to endure this cycle possibly much longer if I don’t break, until he goes to rehab for the 5th time for two-three months again that did not work. He refuses to go to long term treatment. Even after than the way I feel now is I don’t even know after all this if it can go back or if I can even give myself again how I would want to after everything. I just want my peace with my boys.
can anyone relate or have any advice for me?thank you for listening