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@bt1978 I wanted to thank you as just a few weeks ago I staggered onto this site asking for help and you were the first person to give me a clear answer re the potential that my partner was an alcoholic. It has set off a series of events that, whilst extremely traumatic now, will hopefully leave me in a happier more empowered place.
@vmac I am thinking off you this weekend. I am here to support you/read your posts
It is such an awful and sad situation. You have come here….things will become clearer for you. I really hope you can manage some sleep tonight and also that you can have start prioritising your own needs. That bit is the difficult one.
The 3cs re alcoholism are:-
You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this
Re MN there are all sorts on there – most on the relationship threads do not have kids. But I do appreciate it is not for everyone. I only went on there the week I asked him to leave as I was so broken. I still am.
Try to do more for you. This stuff is so exhausting.
I contacted my local CAB for a support go – this one covers addictions so different experiences- there was the ex alcoholic, Father and young daughter, the parents, the girlfriends etc. So much damage, pain and love there. I have also reached out to al anon but they have not come back to me. Actually I have found Mumsnet to be extremely valuable – the women there have no time for what they call enablers that give second changes so it can be brutal. MN is where I found the suggestion to reach out locally as one of the posters said she much preferred them to al anon. One thing I noted with all these people (me for years not now) is how we centre them in our world and fail to our our own needs first. I didn’t know what my needs were towards the end so fogged up was my head. I have a long tough road ahead dealing with the fallout of this but i am at least putting myself and children first now and not his needs.
people can change. People do beat this. I have had my own issues in the past and beat them but it takes so much and someone really has to want it badly.
He probably thought you were calling his bluff with regard to telling your mum. Maybe he will now take your threat of ending it unless he cleans up his act more seriously but based on last weekend’s performance I doubt it. Put simply, I think he wants to satisfy his own needs and have a drink.
I maybe projecting some of my own experience of this so I do sincerely hope he now starts taking things seriously. I am now two weeks from partner moving out. He is making a big show of how he is much happier but he has left a trail of destruction behind him and so much hurt and anger. I have been giving him second chances for years and I am now left with very poor self esteem and a lot of mess to clear up. I actually joined a local support group this week for a zoom meeting. It was really interesting to see how alcohol effects families and the pain it causes others. There was an ex alcoholic amongst the group and he was amazing giving the insiders view on things.
I posted on this thread a couple of weeks ago re my partners drinking and lying. He left last week and is now making a big show of how he has stopped drinking and is in a better place. The implication being that he was drinking due to being with me. I don’t buy it and I give it four weeks before he starts slipping back into it. Do people drink because of being in unhappy relationships/predicaments? I am now questioning whether I am to blame as that is how he is framing it. I am so exhausted after years of lies – my experience of this is that any attempts to not drink last no more than six months before the cycle of lying and hiding starts again Sorry to hijack your thread. Trust your gut. I am in the most pain at the moment but not having him physically in the house is a huge relief.
My partner is exactly the same when he has had a drink and it is me with the issue. He talks to me in an awful way. I no longer want to enable this behaviour. When we got together we used to party all the time and both consumed far too much….me more than him. I had my first child with him at 37 and then endured years of fertility treatments so that was my focus and I stopped drinking but he was on a bottle of wine a day and binging lots. This he did openly but it is the secret drinking of recent years that have broken things between us. I always believe there is hope and that if there is love and respect things can change. I really hope you are able to get some space to think things through more clearly
We are in a not too dissimilar situation. I have not been intimate with my partner for 2/3 yrs….I wonder if we had that if things would be different for us. As it is I have asked him to leave after 15 + yrs of the same (of varying degrees over the years) and this time he seems to be taking the request seriously and is viewing properties this weekend. The secrecy of the drinking is the thing that wounds me the most. It is hard to move forward with someone when they look you in the eye and just lie. After years of this I find it near impossible to respect him. I hope you can talk and find a way forward….together or apart.