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Hi MB345 I’m so sorry to read your post as it is identical to what my son did to his ex wife. 3 years ago it all came to a head after their son was 8 months old and she couldn’t take anymore. He is/was a typical cocaine/gambling/alcohol addict. He is 33 but has gambled from a very early age on slot machines then bookies and online. What none of us realised was that he was gambling to pay for his coke addiction which sadly got worse causing the break up. He would do all the things you say your partner is doing, lie be verbally abusive towards her, blame her, use all their money so she had to ask her parents for money to buy formula, twice I had to pay their mortgage. He spent most of his time In bed sleeping it off, no help to his pregnant wife or newborn baby. It was relentless culminating in a break up and divorce which wasn’t his fault if you listen to him. She suffered badly with her nerves, lost her hair, lost weight but I’m so grateful that she found the strength to take this huge step because she is recovering from the hurt and mental abuse she suffered and their son is not witnessing the trauma that would have taken place had she stayed. Fast forward to today and I’d like to give you a happy ending but sadly he has still been using and gambling. He did try a local drug councelling service but he just used lip service to appease everyone. We’ve had countless showdowns about his behaviour but he shows no remorse. The amount of money he has borrowed/gambled to feed his habit is in a 6 figure sum and a lot of that is to us. We have not been strong enough to not help him when he has been crying and begging us to help him, when he promises to stop, when he says he doesn’t want this life, when he threatens us with ending it all if we don’t. He has had a new girlfriend on and off for 2 years but she has said enough is enough now. The worrying thing is he will pester her and pester her like he did with his wife causing her to be more anxious than she already is. He used to be such a fun loving son with lots of friends but now is isolated, lives on his own, speaks to no one and is so selfish. He does have a great bond with his son though and is still holding down a job but this is not how I, as a mother, hoped my son would turn out. So my advice to you because I have seen first hand what this awful drug does is to take your babies and leave. You cannot sustain this relationship unless he stops and if his family are blaming you too, you will suffer more than already are. It’s no life. I thought that my grandson would be reason enough for my son to stop but I was wrong. You are worth more than this so be strong and put you and your children first. Sorry to be so blunt at the end xx
Omg Kate I’m so so sorry I don’t know what to say my heart is breaking for you. You did everything you could to help your son. Please do not blame yourself, he was in the darkest of places that nobody could have brought him back from. I really am extremely sorry for your loss ????????❤❤
Vile scum praying on the weak to line their pockets.
That’s exactly how I feel Kate. I want this to end for him and the perfect scenario would be for him to wake up and realise the damage he has done and is doing to himself and those that love him. I also cannot pinpoint anything that would have made him do this, I believe it was just reaching an age where he could go out drinking and the coke followed shortly after that. And as for the dealers I swear on Sunday my son got a text from one as he changed after he received a text. We were having a lovely family afternoon, football on, kids in paddling pool and bbq on. Then on Monday it all started again.
Vicki I’m so sorry you’re feeling the way you do but maybe the bereavement forum will help? As I said before I can’t imagine how you must be feeling sending all of my love to you. Xxx
Oh my goodness Susan, sending you my love as not only have you the worry of your daughter but your grandchildren too. My son is a coke addict and this forum has been a lifeline for me. You are definitely not alone on here we are all experiencing some sort of heartache through drugs or alcohol. Stay on here even if you don’t share anything. Thinking of you xx
Hi Lindyloo oh no I’m so sorry but maybe getting into trouble at work has made him wake up now? There is no question that all of us on here love our boys but there comes a time when you have to say that’s it we’re done. So many addicts have to lose jobs, family, homes before they say enough is enough. We thought our son losing his home, his marriage breaking up might have done it but I think its going to need more than that for him to want to give up. Thank you for the recommendation I’ll take a look at that book. Take care xxx
Thanks February Marie. You’re right, It’s going to be hard but we need to focus on us and my daughter and grandchildren now. He has consumed our energy for far too long and at 33 it’s time he took Responsibility for his own actions and not expect us to sort them out for him. Xx
Remember my son came home for the week wanting help, fed up of his life, didn’t want to use anymore, selling stuff to find money to pay dealers? Well guess what that lasted a week! He used yesterday, wouldn’t speak to anyone, wouldn’t come up to say bye to his son and spent most of yesterday and today in bed. He sent me a big red heart this morning in a txt so I sort of guessed he’d done it. It was guilt. But he denied it and said he wanted to be on his own as he was very low. We’re completely fed up now and are getting closer to walking away. There is nothing more we can do. We have got to start putting ourselves first. My husband rang drugfam earlier just to speak to someone. What a very sad situation we find ourselves in.
Hi Februarymarie well done you for having the courage to go through with your meeting, you must have been on tenter hooks. He does seem to be making progress and acknowledging his mistakes. I hope he continues with his sobriety and you can love him as your beautiful boy once again. ❤
Thank you Jem I live in hope. That’s really sad for your friend and her husband. I hope they are well and truly looked after.
I follow some people on tik tok who are in recovery and they share their stories. I guess it’s their therapy talking about it on a social media platform but today was sad as a young lad who has been in recovery from cocaine sadly used again last night after a very long time of abstinence. He went out with friends and cocaine made an appearance. He was breaking his heart because he’d let himself down. We will never know how the addict feels when their demon is put in front if them. How exhausting to fight that battle constantly. Xx
Hi Ivy I am so so sorry. There are no words that express how sad I feel for you right now but also how sad I feel for your son that he has become this person. I’m not religious but I often pray for a miracle with regard to my son so I’ll pray for you too.
I thought the other day wouldn’t it be great to meet these ladies who would get my story not judge or make ridiculous suggestions.
If you remember my son stayed with us this week and its been ok. He was grateful and seems to be having positive thoughts. He has his son staying this weekend which is always good for him but when Monday comes things might go downhill again. I’ll pray it doesn’t. Sending my love to you all and hoping that miracle happens for at least one of us. Xxxx
Omg Kate that is awful and disgusting! How dare they speak to you like that and treat your son that way! Your son is ill and needed help. I can’t imagine how you must have felt and trying to have to cope with that feeling completely alone. ????
Wishing you lots of love, strength and luck. I hope this is a turning point for you both. ????????
It is an awful cycle of chaos you’re dead right and I know they don’t start out to be addicts but the fact that they would even want to try it baffles me. Its the bravado a few beers gives them I guess. I’m glad you put your family first like my daughter in law. She put up with him until their son was 8 months. He was useless. I hope you get stronger, your babies will be ok if you’re ok. Keep doing what you’re doing my lovely. Xx
Hi redfox I’m responding as a mum of a coke addict and completely resonate with everything you’ve said. My daughter in law was strong enough to ask him to leave (he came to us but I wish I’d let him go on the streets tbh). What he put her through and us now was disgusting. He more or less bankrupted them with his gambling, drinking and coke use. His personality has changed, he was his dad’s mate but he has turned him into a wreck. My daughter in law lost weight, hair and became so anxious that she had to think of herself and our grandson and I thank God she did. He spent all their money so she couldn’t get formula for the baby or pay the mortgage. He got her into so much debt and she’d never had a credit card before. He’s verbally abused, disrespected, lied, conned and controlled us to the extent that we are adamant if he uses again we will be cutting all ties with him. (He last used on Saturday but I believe because of the amount of money he’s had off us he hasn’t stopped using in the last 3 years since his break up.) As a mum it is heartbreaking to see your precious boy grow up to become this vile person. We are average, working class people who have had no experience of any type of drug use or addiction before our son became a heavy gambler and coke user. We are devastated and beat as you can imagine so I salute you for putting yourself and your family’s well being first and I will advise any wife, girlfriend, partner to run for the hills. They have to recover themselves and we have found to our cost that no amount of enabling will change them x