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If lostone isn’t about, I usually am. I’m in same boat.
Just having read this, I say from experience that your bf is doing crack. And if I’m right then it’s a slippery slope. I just hope you will be ok, if you need someone at any point just shout xx
It doesn’t get better. I’ve been in this for 14 years and can categorically say that it does not get better. It does get worse. You need to leave. That’s it, if it have known what I now know I would have left at the beginning. Instead of inflicting this on to 3 kids. Go and be happy, get your life set up for you and your baby. I thought it would get better after my 3rd baby but no. The baby is 18 months and my addict husband just spends 4x more money and disappears for longer. You can do it. I have just separated finances and got a new house. I will not be part of this circus anymore. Sorry I can’t sugar coat it. I wish I’d had this advice when I could have made the decision sooner. Addicts don’t just ruin lives they ruin people.
All I can say is you need to change the way you think. Why on earth would you want him back after behaving like this toward you? Call him out on it.
My husband is like this, and I have detached and largely leave him to his own devices as far as I can manage. As long as he doesn’t affect the kids. He is now waiting for rehab. He regularly spends nearly 80% of his wages in 3 days so I have learnt not to rely on him in any way. Or lend him my car, or get any financial mess with him. I’m really sorry but I’m starting to hate him for what he is doing to our family. To the pint where I would suggest you just leave and don’t look back. If you do, you will thank me in a few months. I’ve had 14 years of this and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.
Take it as an escape route. Honestly. And just get out while you can. They are life leeches, they will suck anything of any good out of you and then they will leave your shell behind.
Now please let Danman83 back on, he gives us so much insight and advice into behaviour etc. It was invaluable. The only way we would ever be able to access this would be from going to sit in on an NA meeting that was open to visitors. Hard to find. Please reconsider. He really helped us a lot.
You need to put boundaries in place. And make it clear if it continues then he has to leave. Make sure you follow through. I have an adult version, my husband. And I’m struggling. I’m moving house soon and once that’s done if he hasn’t improved I will be giving him an ultimatum with full intention of leaving if need be. Sorry I can’t offer a magic solution, you have to stop enabling and start distancing. Xx
Take care danman83, make sure you do pop back on every now an then. Shame coz you have so much good advice for us when we can’t understand certain things. You have been a massive help. Love to you and your family x
Egerton way, so I’m stuck between Blackburn or Bolton for any sort of help groups.
Yes I guess he is letting his guard down way too soon which leads him in to false sense of security. He really does need rehab if I’m honest. I think now he has started to realise that and I’m trying to support him best I can to get the help so fingers crossed. It’s hard though. He’s a good guy but this has got a proper grip on him. And on top of that I need to keep reminding myself that I can’t let it change me as a person if that makes sense.
I’m good ta, well as much as I can be right now. Husband started n.a. meetings in jan/Feb and for a few week it helped. But then in March he relapsed after 6 weeks so here we go again only this time he spent his entire wage in 3 days and left me picking up the pieces as usual. I suppose the difference is that he is or seems to be hell bent on going in rehab. And he is starting to see how bad he has treated us.
In the meantime I’ve got to find a house as I’ve sold mine and try and salvage some of the mess he’s made. I’ve been trying to distance myself from his behaviour and I think he’s noticed that. It’s hard though coz there’s not much help for family/loved ones of addicts yet loads of help for the addict. Are there any groups in lancs you know of? Long shot but your pretty local to me so you may know of any.
Glad to hear you straightened yourself out. Just stay strong and focussed. Sounds like you have an amazing little family and you need to keep going best you can for them 🙂
I’m guessing crack ….This is a mirror image of my life unfortunately. Partner who “nips to shop, I’ll be 5 mins” and rolls home 1k lighter 3 days later…..and I have to pay bills, run the house and look after 3 kids. Yep, I’m living the dream. And you can’t leave because you love them and you don’t want to give up on them.
I’m of the same opinion as danman83 you need to leave. There’s nothing for you in this relationship. You say he is a good dad but a good dad wouldn’t bring drugs and druggies in to the home or take family money to spend on drugs not food. These druggies….I wouldn’t trust them round my dog never mind my 3 year old daughter. You and your daughter are worth more than this. You have to protect her and you can’t do that because he constantly puts you both at risk. Leave, before you either end up losing your daughter or something bad happens. Xx
Hi Danman how’s things? You coping ok?
I hope you are ok. Sounds like the kind of nightmare most of us are enduring. In answer to your questions – you absolutely will reach a crossroads where you will make a decision and won’t have to think twice or question yourself. And you will make it on your own, sounds like you pretty much so anyway so there won’t be much difference.
Anyway I just wanted to reply so you know we are here and if you need to talk pop back. Big hugs xx
Sorry you are going through this. What is he using? Xx
You guys are in the same boat as me then I guess? My husband is an addict – crack and heroin. On the face of it has a family man, loves his wife and 3 girls but on the real side he’s an addict who is never home, always out, rarely provides and yes on occasion has taken my car. I now hide my keys. So he has been like this for years, I left once but it still didn’t fix things. In the years after he carried on. January I thought we turned a corner. Turns out it was 6 weeks of having my husband back and now has back to being an addict again. It’s now to the point where I have to find a mortgage and a house and financially support myself and 3 kids. While he blows his wages and pawns his stuff.
He’s saying he needs rehab so will see how that pans out.
In the meantime I will carry on, distance myself and just see what happens.
Wanted to post this so you know you are definatley not alone.
Stay safe xx