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Hi Purpleheart and others
I’m in the same boat here in 2022. Been dealing with this for about 4 years but as a serious addiction since the beginning of 2020. I’m at the end of my tether too.
It’s my partner who is the addict. Partner is a term I use loosely as he is my child’s father whom I live with… but the relationship has pretty much imploded due to his addiction and I am trying to move. I have been bidding on properties for 6 months… just trying to hang in there.
He used to use cocaine but someone taught him how to turn it into cocaine you can smoke/inhale. Crack basically, and that is when all hell broke loose. He is extremely addicted to doing this. He is a shell of the man I once knew. He has developed severe mental health issues since… I mean totally unstable mood, suicide attempts, severe paranoia, depression, insomnia…
He is selfish… got us into terrible debt. I can’t trust him with money at all.
I just found that out yesterday – I gave him the money to pay a month overdue family bill (for services we all use and rely on and it was his responsibility to pay it) as he had spent the original money for the bill on drugs. I came home to find him high… I asked him if he’d paid the bill and he said ‘some of it’ and implied he’d spent some of the money on another bill that needed paying… I am convinced he used part of the bill money to pay got drugs as he has no other money so how’d he get the drugs?
I’m livid but I have no voice. I cannot confront him about it. It would not go well. What has made me so upset is that I earnt that money doing freelance work. I’m disabled and ill and it takes a lot for me to do any work. I gave him nearly all the money I earnt bar 20 for food shopping and he had around 16 for drinks and cigarettes. I feel like a mug!
Every time I go away for a few nights to save my own sanity I come back and he’s ransacked the place (it literally looks as if we’ve been burgled) and it stinks of cigarettes (which I hate) and the kitchen is a mess because he never does any washing up while I’m gone. I can see exactly how he will be living when we are no longer living together. I will still have to be part of his life as I am going to have to facilitate child contact. The only way our child will be able to spend time with him is if I am there… he’s not fit to care for our child like this!
I just wanted a nice quiet, stable family life and instead I’m dealing with this. I can’t wait to get out.
It is weirdly comforting reading that others are going through what I am. I feel bad that you are suffering in the same way I am. I feel as if I am being tortured and live in a constant state of anxiety.
I also do the clean up after him and have been asked to go on alcohol or cigarette runs at 6 or 7 a.m.
My partner is the same. He makes promises all the time to do things with our child and me and he never does. I am literally like a single mum! I don’t feel as if we are a family anymore… more like two people that live together and share a child (biologically rather than parenting together).
Thankfully our child is not old enough to realise he was meant to come with us.
He also does the isolating himself in another room to do the drugs, then gets high drinking and smoking cigarettes… time after time I’m cleaning up all the bottles, cans, wrappers and other stuff… so I’m just waiting on him with food and drinks when he’s on a come down and we might watch some TV together but mainly we spend no time together.
The amount of times he’s promised that it was the last time or this time is the last or that he would go doctors etc… it never happens. It’s all just empty promises to placate me.
I relate because I have gone round my friend’s house at very short notice and also arrived and told her I’m staying multiple nights/not going back because I don’t feel safe.
She is so accommodating and her husband also. He said I never need to ask, but obviously I do as I feel like such a burden. I don’t just come alone! I have a little one trailing behind me.
I am the same as I don’t want to be around him when he’s doing ‘stuff’. Not only that, but afterwards it takes him days to come down and back up and while he is coming down it’s horrendous as he is so volatile, aggressive, moody and on edge. It is such a vicious cycle.
I shouldn’t have to live like this and neither should you.
I empathise as my partner started off recreational use that I became aware of and then progressed to a regular habit. Since lockdown it has gone out of control… it’s literally like living in a movie or something.
Mine is only nice to me when high and even then he is not always that nice. The rest of the time he is very Jekyll and Hyde and I walk on eggshells.
Would your wife be open to marriage counselling at some point?
He could do a drugs test.
It sounds suspicious with his changing story. You would notice money issues or a lack of money, nose issues (things like nosebleed or a dripping nose), staying up late or all night, not eating/lack of appetite etc if he was doing it a lot.
Could you seek counselling to help you deal with your mental health issues? Also what about Gamblers Anonymous?
If you can treat some of the other stuff you are dealing with then you might be able to get yourself off the coke. If you are struggling with those other things then I think it’d be a lot harder to stop using it.
I can understand why you don’t want to tell your partner and why the thought of her finding out makes you do it more. It’s very scary and you have a lot to lose.
My partner has poor (untreated) mental health too and I feel he uses coke at times to cope… e.g. if he is stressed or if he feels down… in the long run it is just a very temporary fix as when it’s worn off he is a deeply unhappy person. It’s really a vicious cycle and not the answer at all.
My partner is a nicer person on it too. He is sweeter and talks to me lovingly. He has repeatedly opened up to me on a deeper level, telling me things that help me to understand him… all while on it. Off it, he is on a prolonged serious come down, which makes my life hell.
As far as I can see, the frequency of taking it has messed with their brain chemistry so much that they only feel truly good and relaxed etc when on a high. The rest of the time they are on a low.