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That’s a wonderful tribute to your son. I’m sorry I missed that he had a little boy- God bless his little heart. But your grandson has you and your heart is full of love. You certainly showed it to your son.
Thinking of you with love. ♥️
Kate, I’m so sorry that you were the one to find him. You will need some grief help for all this.
None of us have the answers, we’re just moms who love our sons and can’t fix them no matter how hard we try. My son just relapsed yet again after just two months. I suspect it because the weird emails began last night. He was doing good and seemed determined. It was good to see him normal last week, but I guess the addiction is stronger.
My heart has been heavy all day, especially for you.
I’m here for you to listen anytime you need it. We’re all just sisters in this sad situation but we do have each other.
Much love to you. ♥️
Oh my dear Lord Kate. There are no words other than I am so, so very sorry. I have followed your stories and I know you did all you could to be there for him. Please take gentle care of yourself at this time.
I’m sending you lots of hugs, love and many prayers. ❤️
Jem is right Vickee. I’m fairly certain that there is nothing you could have done. You see on all these stories here that no amount of love seems to change them. They have to want to do it. And some do, thank goodness.
There’s no way around grief, you just have to go through it…
Love to you ❤
When I first started on this forum, I noticed that there is also a section called, “Bereavement”. I’m guessing that it’s for people who have lost a loved one to addiction? Have you seen that on the Forum Home page?
Thank you Vickee. It’s okay, having a family member with an addiction takes such a toll on everyone. I have two daughters as well, and they certainly have a terrible time their brother’s addiction. You are grieving such a terrible loss with your brother and your heart is in a tender place. We as family members are so helpless, that’s I think, one of worst parts of it. We can hold each other up. ❤
Susanholding- I am so sorry to hear your story- it’s just heartbreaking with the children involved. Hang in here with us, there is a lot of support here that helps you get through. ❤❤❤
Vickie- this is such a complex situation for all involved, especially while dealing with the loss of your brother. My story with my son goes back almost 10 years. My meeting with him was after us not speaking for almost 5 months. It was a moment to tell him how I feel because I usually don’t for fear of him relapsing which is not fair to me. The nature of addiction makes it all about them. I’ve been dealing with his situation for so long really by myself and it takes a tremendous toll. You see that when you read these posts. You said that you have children, and that you know it’s heartbreaking for us moms, but not as heartbreaking as what the addict is going through. I’m confused…
Thank you 68862.
I’m sorry about your son. Sadly, this is how it is right?
The walking seat is self survival for a period of time because you just feel as though you’re going to combust. I hope you and your husband can take that time. It sounds like you have many people who love you and need you as well like your daughter and grand babies. ♥️
Hello everyone- I did meet up with my son last Friday. I was nervous and it was a little awkward, at least for me. He looked very good, clean and bright eyes- sober. It’s so nice to see him that way! He seemed his normal self. I asked him to kind of update for me what’s been going on with him. He talked mostly about his university program stuff, which is really not what I’m interested in right now. But he is seeing a substance abuse counselor once a week and he seems to like her. He’s still not interested in AA or any kind of rehab. I even suggested a chat room like this and he wasn’t interested in that either.
Anyway, I let him talk and he was very apologetic to me about how horrible he was to me and the family with this last relapse. He said as he has many times, “You know that it is not me when I’m like that. I could never knowingly hurt my family, that’s some other person.” He was very adamant about that. But he did acknowledge for the very first time, that he has to accept that it did come from him.
So I told him, that even though he’s not himself when he’s under the influence, the other person, me, is still receiving this awful treatment, and it hurts. He always asks for compassion. I asked, “What would that look like in actions?” He said that when he’s like that, that I should just tell him I love him and ignore it. I said, “Gosh, that’s a lot to ask of a person. When you’re like that, you’re unreasonable. A person is just supposed to take that kind of abuse? That’s too much to ask.” I did share with him how bad it hurts, and that if you are suffering, then you need to know that I am suffering too and it’s awful.
He got a little testy at times, but I wasn’t budging. I was calm and loving. He said, ” I would never cut out someone in my life if they had this problem!” I told him that he has no idea of what he would do. He said he wishes that the family could feel how he feels. I said that’s not realistic, that no one, except another addict would understand his true “pain”.
I told him that we both have to accept that we will never be in each other’s shoes. I said that I hope and pray that the last relapse would be his last. ( As we know, they often say, ‘that’s it, I’m done this time!’ )
I told him, just in case it’s not, that when he becomes mean or crazy sounding, that I will have to take care of myself and back out for a while. Just like he asked me to just ‘know’ that he loves me even though he’s being mean while drunk, that he will have to ‘know’ that I still love him even though I back away. I told him that I cannot save him, in the beginning I thought I could, but that this is all on him. I told him that I just can’t take what I used to- I just don’t have the internal reserves anymore.
I made sure to congratulate him on his two months of sobriety.
So, we talked for maybe an hour and a half (at a sandwich place). I ended up wrapping it up, because the whole conversation was wearing on me. We didn’t make any upcoming plans because I think it’s easier to just go a day at a time, a week at a time or whatever.
I could feel the veil over my heart. I am definitely realistic and self-protective. Honestly, I’ve had a sadness in my heart these last few days that this is our story at all. The days when I would just melt and hug him and think it’s finally over are no longer there. Of course, if he were to stay sober, week after week, month after month, year after year, then I’m sure we would be able to have a much deeper relationship like we used to.
So I go forward with prayer. As we’ve all said before, ‘we’ve been down this road many times and only time will tell’. You just enjoy the moment while it’s here and it was nice to see him be himself!
Love to you all my friends… ????
I used to be the same way Bump. I used to think, why doesn’t their family help them, and now I see that that there is a family there who has probably tried everything to help them.
You certainly don’t deserve this Ivy. When you reach a low point, it’s okay to take a step back to try and catch your breath. It’s how we survive, because having an addicted child is a slow death for us too.
This forum has been a blessing for me. None of us have the answers, but we have each other to lean on. Please take care of yourself in small ways like your cup of tea.
You have many virtual arms around you giving you a big hug. ❤️
Ivy- my heart breaks for you and for all of us. You have friends here… ❤️
Hello my friends- as I mentioned some posts back, my son has reached out and is wanting to get together. He has been sober since around mid April and with his recent texts, he says he is feeling more himself.
For those who don’t know, I have not verbally spoken to or seen my son physically since last December after Christmas. He relapsed for the umpteenth time and his treatment of me ( and his family) was so bad that I had to block him around February. This last relapse was particularly awful. We’ve been communicating by text here and there after I felt it was safe to unblock him. He went to the hospital in April to detox.
I told him I do want to get together, but that I can’t just pretend that the last 5 months didn’t happen. I told him that I need to share with him what my side is like and that if he is not ready to do that, we should postpone for a bit. He said he was fine to meet.
I will let you all know how it goes. I love him and miss the real him so much, but I’m going to be a bit careful. We’re meeting for lunch in a public place. I will tell him how I feel. I am a different mom than the way things were in the beginning when I was practically begging to keep him in my life at any and all costs- usually to me. Not any more. I really want him in my life but with healthy boundaries and I plan on telling him what those boundaries are.
Wish me luck and I’ll let you all know! ❤
Vickee- I’m very sorry for the loss of your brother. ????
I’m so sorry lindyloo. And so it goes again right, but each time it happens hopefully we’ll get stronger and more protective of ourselves. You get so jaded…