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Heart felt thoughts with you Kate, I often say I’m not very good with words but the words love and mother spring to mind, thank you for sharing your story. Numb and then a flow of uncontrollable tears at the sadness. I agree, my son was exactly the same – just a bunch of lads at school, one has committed suicide and threw himself off of a car park aged 19, he was a very good artist who said he could not get off drugs and could see no way out, another 2 now dealers whose mum died of cancer when they were very young. I wish everyone on this site strength, resilience and love. That old saying, you can’t make anyone do anything but you can with yourself. I choose to have hope and love paired with utter sadness and despair, it’s not all the time but when it hits it hits hard. Take care all mums on this part of the forum and look after yourself and be the best friend to yourself xxxxxx
I often have conversations about my son with his dad. This morning we have talked about possible suicide, prison, hunger, getting beaten up, drug dealers…we’ve also talked about not wanting to enable and how low does someone need to reach before they hot rock bottom. Currently my son is without money and food, is living in filth. I’m just numb to this now – it’s happened so so many times now and I think I’m getting resilient to these thoughts as there really really really is nothing that we can do. He is really and utterly stuck in his addiction. I’m dreading the next few days. X
Contact the Icarus trust and all of the helplines from this site. I’m hoping for you and your son at this very trying and horrible time. Xx
Everyone has there own helping and coping strategies. I’ve found in my experience you can’t make him do anything, but you can suggest and lead, let him know the strategies that will help him if he wants. We’ve helped him in the past and I now know that didn’t help him at all, it ‘enabled’ his habit and put people in over 20k worth of debt – out of our pockets and into the pockets of drug dealers. That was a mistake I wish we never did, but you can’t go back but we can learn. He manipulates and lies all the time when he is on drugs, there is no truth so we have had to really delve and communicate with family members and collaborate what he has said to everyone. It’s the drugs and not my son, I love my son it not the drugs and refuse to give any more money to drug dealers. I feel with this strategy it is working – my son knows he will get absolutely no money for drugs from anyone, we give him food vouchers and help with his phone and that is it. He has a roof over his head and if he loses that it’s his choice. We have dealt with police, hospitals, fights and violence and have managed to come out of it exhausted and emotionally challenged but we are all alive. His blips have made me think of his suicide or prison and these have made my thoughts very very very black. I’ve been on this site at my wit’s end and people stories give me strength in a way I can’t explain. Look after yourself and find your own strategy. Xx
Welcome to this part of the forum. I post very occasionally as frankly I am not very good with words and am just learning how to deal with episodes as they crop up. When I first found out my son was taking heroin and crack cocaine I’ve found it absolutely and utterly devastating, a terrible black hole and if I’m honest shook me to my core. Everything that had historically happened sort of made sense and was text book drugs just getting worse and worse and worse. When it came out in the open all hell broke loose, but it also bonded close family members together also. We have become a protector group – we communicate when money is asked for, we confirm facts and check up on his welfare, we know when he is AWOL, we know when he has taken drugs and fallen off the wagon. It happens about every two to three months at the mo, we have learnt to deal with the ‘big dips’ and try to ‘coast the big waves’. He now knows that he can also get back to a sort of normal after these glitches, he knows there will be many more glitches in his life, he knows the tools to help him and we, as his family know that a lot is up to him, it’s his life and it’s his choice. We do love him and he also knows that, but we also have our lives to live and lead. We deal with it, like we have to deal with everything in life – good or bad. I’ve told certain family members and talk matter of factly, i break down if I’ve had a drink, I’m so light weight it’s not that often! I hope he gives up one of these days. My dark days are more…..dark brown these days. Look after yourself during the Storm, look after him. Wishing u kindness, and hope and know we all are in the same boat. Halo xx
Sending strength to you February Marie, I’m not very good with words, but I understand what you’ve gone through and I hope he finds the strength to ride this big roller coaster wave ride this time, I hope he has the armour to fight through this new battle.
Thank you xxxxxx I have a few months of being normal,being myself and happy, chatting to people, then he goes awol and finds drugs again and I fall immediately into a black hole, I shake and cry without tears and feel so very very sad, and cannot feel happy about anything, I wake up a night in the same thoughts, I wake in the morning and sometimes I forget, but seconds later it all comes back and I continue with a feeling of dread. I know this is not healthy, I try to go on very wintery walks just to be in nature and have the full force of nature against me – it makes me forget and that is a good thing. I may take up outdoor swimming. I wish I could help him, but I know not to enable him, I pray that he has enough strengh of character to pull through. We know its a long time roller coaster ride and there are blips, but the blips can be so damaging. I’m so sorry ladies, I, as a mother also am on a roller coaster ride, I wish I cold write during times of good, not just in these times of dread, it will pass – it always does and we move on and deal with whatever life throws at us. Take care all, my thoughts are with you all x
Thank you to all on this forum, its heartbreaking and also reassuring in the most awful circumstances, its so surreal and terribly real at the same time. It such a feeling to know that I’m not alone, although I feel so alone in my thoughts, especially when I allow myself to thaw out of my nubmness to all of my sadness and hurt. I kid myself a lot that I am numb but if I dig down just a little I am overwhelmed with deep sadness. My family know about my sons troubles, not all of the facts, but the main ones – he is a drug addict. I have had questions asking where it comes from, apparently there is a ‘reason’ and something must have happened when he was younger. I have a daughter who grew up with the same parents, the same house, the same rules, the same love and she doesnt take drugs. All I know is when he was born he just lit up the room, he was full of energy and did not stop. We now know that he had ADHD, undiagnosed from his childhood. I was told by the school, the doctors, specialist that he was on the ‘edge’ of a diagnosis, but not a sure case. Trouble started when he was around 14, he admitted this is when he started doing cannabis and ketamine. I had never even heard of this drug. Long term use of this drug has given my son a lifelong urinary track injury and he has been in hopital a few times because of the damage it has done to his body. He ended up in hospital a few times, trouble with police, suspended and expelled from school, in court, all since the age of 14. I know you all have similar stories, I have read them all from afar. I’m astonished at the similarities. So where are we now? Well, his last chance saloon was at his dad’s, that has come to an end and he had been given a months notice to leave. He has no job (he has had plenty and is well liked and loved at most of his jobs but on drugs he goes AWOL). He has had debts repaid for him, stayed at his grandparents, tried university, college….every 3 months it all disappears because of drugs. He is now facing homelessness again, he is back on drugs and he is in debt with no friends apart from a fellow drug addict. I don’t know what to think, my heart pounds when I think of the future. I have hope, but I wouldn’t want to be in his shoes homeless, perhaps on the streets again, with his guitar begging for money. I was in a black hole in 2020 when I found out he was on heroin, crack and cocaine. He has had help with drug councellors, been given a flat, been given medication privately for his ADHD, group therapy….and still he returns to drugs. He is an addict. I havent had a [proper conversation with him since last November, I have only just been given a mobile number for him. You are given only a few opportunities in life, I feel hes had his fair share and now he is on his own, and he is so very vulnerable. But he has stolen for drugs from shops, taken mponey from his grandparents and is no angel, there is no happy story for this drug addict. Anywat I’m not after answers, just thanks for allowing myself to share the truth to at least someone in this world, I share with noone else, my feelings are my own. Take care and thank you again. No doubt there will be more to this part in the next few weeks……
I’m so sorry ladies, I read from afar as I’m not very good with words.and expression. My son has been on his roller coaster drugs since he was 14 and he is now 28. He is a shell of himself, I love him so much. He’s at his father’s at the mo and has been since he was homeless and on crack and heroin Dec 20 but his father is completely at the end of his tether. My son is incommunicado and this means he is back on drugs. I have a terrible terrible feeling something is going to happen, I feel all avenues are closed now, and I feel like some sort of end will happen soon. I was in a very very dark place in 2020 when I found out he was using heroin and crack. I’m so very very sad. Hearing your stories makes me feel less alone.
Fellow mum here, have been on here for about a year after finding out my son had been taking crack, cocaine and heroin. He’s 28 and has been taking drugs since about 14 we think. He hasn’t settled at all in life and has breakdowns every 3/4 months, he also had ADHD diagnosed recently. We’ve been there for him though a lot, his mate committed suicide when he was 19 as he thought there was no way out of heroin. We usually drop everything to find him, usually in a drugs stupor feeling very sorry for himself. He has amassed thousands in debt and has lied and stole from family members including elderly grandparents. We do not love the drugs but we love our son, a lot. Last year was a turning curve for me, when I found out about his heroin and crack I went into the depths of depression and tears and sobbed every day for about a month, it felt like a bereavement and it affected my health and I even had suicide thoughts also. But depression knows when you are down and feeds from negativity – I can see that now and thankfully bought myself back with context and practical thoughts. My son became homeless and asked to live with me, but I said no and this was one of the most difficult things I have ever had to deal with. He was found on the streets busking by his uncle who cleaned him up and gave him a bed, he eventually went to live with his dad and got back on track. Started taking AHD medication that provided stability, got himself a job that he loved. His recovery journey has been very up and down, he relapses every 3 months – we know the signs now. He gets withdrawn, stops talking to me and texting me, and finally asks me for money, usually starting with small amounts, then bigger with blackmailing stories behind them, then desperation. We have created a network of support – his drug support workers, his dad, me his mum, his best mate and grandparents. We all watch out for the signs and jump immediately, otherwise he falls over. When he is off drugs he actually likes life and sees his worth which is really lovely to see. He takes lovely photos of sunsets as if hes just seen them for the first time. He relapsed again over the past 6 weeks, I recognized the signs and patterns of behavior immediately. I’m not desperate anymore, I need to be strong for my son, I have a sort of acceptance of his recovery. I know its very painful for him during this stage. I hope he has learnt coping strategies and learnt not to lose faith, he knows how to get back to life and understand there will be blips. I read this forum and all the stories on this thread give me support in a background way. Thank you. I wish I could offer more support than just sharing my strategy. I don’t know if it’s right or wrong, it’s just my way.
Hey Yram,
My mum was and still is an alcoholic, myself and my brother and sister still bear the scars from our upbringing. I just wanted to put some perspective into your post. I also had grandparents and they were like a safe haven for me. They never insisted on anything, no ultimatums, no shame, no judgments – but they were always there for me, they provided stability, love and fun. I learned so much from them about family and love and cherished every moment with them. Without them I do not know where me and my brother and sister would have ended up. I never lived with them, but moved out of home pretty quick aged 18 and survived!!! You are probably a safe haven too, I bet your grandchild will remember this for all their life. I stopped contact with my mum as I couldn’t stand the lies and drama surrounding all aspects of her life and all the hurt that comes with alcoholism. Your grandchild will have grown up quicker than most and have a different type of childhood and seen and heard things other kids wouldn’t have, but it doesn’t mean they wont thrive. Best of luck and I hope you have thanks from your grandchild for just being there.
spelling is not my forte!!! apologies 🙂
I have no shame with my son and his addiction, I will fight hell or high water to protect him, and I think snippets of this help helps him during different times. He called me when he was homeless, he talks to me when he talks to no one else. I call him out when I think he is lies, I tell him its the drugs that I hate not him and I keep saying my mantra – ‘drugs don’t work they just make things worse’. I say words are not enough, he needs a foundation and anyone can build a foundation, but not on words alone. He understands this – we say his foundations are made of paper currently – but collectively paper can be made of cardboard and this can be built on. Actions build foundations. I have told people I am having a tough time with my son. When I was at the ‘shock’ stage I could not go out with friends or enjoy life at all – I sobbed all day for about a month. I got extremely depressed and quite ill. This passed to ‘anger’ – I was fucking angry with everybody and my life, I blamed myself for my sons drug addiction and hated myself, detested myself with such anger. But….age has its advantages hasdn’t it? I understood the stages and told myself ‘you will get through it’, ‘you get one life’, ‘ you cannot help him if he cannot help himself’…bla bla…Basically I became a best friend to myself, talking in context, helping myself out. I dont tell people this, but during this ‘acceptance’ stage I am more open to telling people, not all detail, just what is happening on the roller coaster ride. My son looks like an addict – he doesn’t wash, eat, sleep, has odd thoughts, steals, nicks ect. I dont tell people this. He now sees a different side to life, he has found work, he has one true friend and a whole family who love him very very very much. I hope this life looks better to him than heroin and crack. I accept this is going to be his life for a very long time. He is musical and creativer and I hope this will help him out of this pit currently. Thier are a lot of parents on this site going through exactly this. This is a horrible club we are all in. Be strong when you feel you cant be strong anymore. Use his site – I think I have vented at each stage, nothing should be cencorsed. I will not censor heroin and crack and will face up to it – it will not break me, ever. Never. my son deserves that. xxx
I’ve told family members and select friends. I do not divulge info, just info like if he’s tested positive, how devastating the news is, and how much of a roller coaster ride life is currently. I MUST and CAN stay positive for my own sanity. I MUST emerge myself in normal activities and some form of positivity amoungst all of the usual and repetative devastation and negativity. I won’t lend money, I wont have him living with me but I chat with him daily and congratulate him when his life has some form of normality. I can worry myself to death and hit an extremely low low period last October when it emerged he tested positive for heroin and crack. I think their are stages to ‘loss’ – shock, denial, sadness, anger, acceptance. I have gone through each and every stage – sadness hit me rock bottom. I think I am now in acceptance – there is nothing I can do – I hate saying this but it is what it is. I still cry but its not at such depth nowdays. I cannot listen to some songs without getting really really sad – knocking on heavens door makes me sob as its about heroin and death. I offer no advice as we are all individuals, I only offer condolence with my experience of this fucking horrible drugs. But I am off to do some gardening, cooking today and the spring flowers are up. take care and look after yourself and your mental self. It is REALLY important to get through each of these stages. You got this…x