[jamesb]

Hi ladies, I hope you’re all doing okay.

This is actually a really good topic because it’s probably the hardest part to get through for both the addict and the loved one.

So you are at the point where the partner has come clean, you know everything, all the lies and the twisting things all the money etc you know absolutely everything and they have either come clean and told you or you have found out. The fact you are still in each others lives means to an extent you want it to work still.

The addict will promise no more, agree to do drug tests, all the things that they fell they should do to prove to you that they have stopped but for the other half it becomes a full time job trying to catch the lie, analysing everything that is said, everything they say they are doing watching their mood constantly and driving themselves insane thinking that the addict is still using.

The addict, in this situation probably feels full of guilt and shame and really wholeheartedly wants to stop, be able to regain the trust and love of their partner and try to get to living the life they know both you and they deserve. Unfortunately addiction doesn’t let someone go that quick. I’m not saying give a free pass or be okay with it but what I’m saying is in this case the guy agreed to tests meaning that he was serious about stopping. He has caved and obviously taken some and by no means am I excusing it but coming out of addiction is one of the hardest things anyone will go through and if he was a big user even more so. He’s had a moment of weakness, used a small amount and will find himself feeling guilty for a start but also scared of the consequence of his partner finding out. Coming clean would feel like suicide so he resorts to the tactics of trying to cover it up.

The point I’m trying to make is that although every case is completely different and you can’t just allow them to keep going back to it but this isn’t just a switch off thing. He in my eyes was still making great progress and a small bump in the road does not mean that he has not been giving it his all up until that point and genuinely is trying his best for you.

Imagine telling yourself you aren’t going to drink coffee anymore, and you prise your partner you won’t but after a week you’ve had a really stressful morning, you’re tired and you drink just one cup. You feel guilty afterwards but you acknowledge that you have done so well so far and you start again knowing that you’re on the right track.

I know it’s not the same thing but I hope you can see what I’m saying.

Please be understanding with addicts who are trying to stop. It isn’t easy, we aren’t perfect and sometimes we fall. It doesn’t mean me don’t care about you or that we want to carry on living the life of an addict.

I completely understand how hard it must be to feel that the trust has been broken again and I don’t blame you for feeling mad but always try to gauge whether someone is really trying or if they are making excuses.

I hope that this didn’t come across wrong as I know you’re all hurting.

Stay safe

James x

[jamesb]

Hi Navy, thank you for your kind words. It’s so bitter sweet reading what you said because the only way I have gained knowledge on this and am able to give the insight to people like yourself about what cocaine addiction is really like is because I was at one point the person that most of you who post come on here to vent about.

I’m not proud of my actions and the effect it’s had on my life is unmeasurable, and I would give anything to be able to fix the damage I have caused but knowing that in some way I can help others at least makes it in some way worth it. I always wish and you’re a prime example, that

I could just say right, take my number tell your partner to call me and I’ll tell him exactly what’s going to happen to him if he doesn’t sort it out because I’m pretty sure he won’t won’t to end up like me.

I turned the woman I love into someone who she was not, she’s paranoid, controlling, aggressive and who was once a outgoing loving person is now emotionless and numb all due to the pain I put her through with my addiction and the constant lies and manipulation.

Furthermore, I’m now sober, trustworthy and would do anything to have my family back but its too late and she will never be able to forgive meaning that at best I see my little only at weekends and I have to face that I am missing so much of her growing up.

Please try your best to stay true to who you are and know that regardless of pressure you put on him, he will only make the changes when he is ready. I hope your both of your sakes that is sooner than it was for me. Maybe ask him to ready through some of the forum posts so he can see how lucky he is to have someone who still is willing to try and love him.

Sorry to rant, tough week.

Stay strong

James x

[jamesb]

Thanks man I appreciate the back up sometimes I worry I’m rambling on and it comes across the wrong way, as really, who am I to tell anyone what to do when I have been capable of doing the things I have done due to my past addictions so it’s nice hear that someone out there agrees.

you saying you’ve been there before makes me think you yourself have had struggles, I hope you’re good bro?

Hannah, if you see this, regardless if you reply, just know that no matter how bad things seem and no matter what you have done, you are in control of your future.

I wish I had a a way of looking into the future back when I was bad so I could see what the consequence would be. No matter how scared you may be I promise you that there are people out there to help you, all of us on here included and you can get through this.

Stay strong and keep fighting the good fight

James x

[jamesb]

Great advice Georgia x

[jamesb]

Hi Navy, I just want to say thank you for your kind words. The reason I try to post on here so much with advice is for 2 reasons. 1 because I know the extent that cocaine ruined my life and also to try and help partners of addicts understand that it doesn’t always mean that the user is a bad person because from my personal experience unfortunately my partner just put it down as I was trash and not the man I “pretended to be” when in fact I was really struggling to get through the days and wanted nothing more than to be able to escape the drug. So hearing that I can help others in any way really does make me feel in some way worthwhile again after many years feeling worthless.

So to get back to your questions.

Again everything I say is just my opinions or how things where for me so I can never say exactly what your partner would be feeling or doing…

When I decided to quit did I get rid of everything? I mean yes but obviously an addict or always trying to cover their tracks anyway. My Mrs used to go through my wallet when I was asleep and find a wrap or a baggy every now and then. That was when I slipped up and forgot it was there. For every 1 she found I got rid of 20. So really there wasn’t much to get rid of but I certainly wouldnt of had empty baggies laying around that I knew of.

How did I feel when I came off it, that’s a tough one to answer because it must be different for everyone. I guess it has alot to do with why you are and the situation at the time. I had many previous attempts I won’t lie some lasted 1 week or others 1 month or 3 months but when I managed to stop was when my Mrs left me and I knew this time was for good. She outed me on her social media (we are both normally very private people) and told the world that I was a cocaine addict. So I was dealing with embarrassment, sadness of losing her, guilt and alsorts of feelings but what I found most strange is that despite all of that going on, after around a week I started feeling really good. I hadn’t been longer than 48 hours without a line in around 18 months prior to when I actually stopped and I couldn’t believe just how good i felt, happy, energetic, waking up feeling refreshed. Now it’s important to factor in that my body was probably grateful for a break and also the feelings of guilt, embarrassment etc probably kept the cravings at bay because I would normally be craving cocaine if missed even just one day of doing it but this time it wasn’t the case. I also think that a big part was I genuinely this time meant it. Other times I told myself I will stop because I had been caught or I had blown months wages in a weekend but it was never really that I wanted it quit, more that I should. This the however, I didn’t struggle with cravings for around 2 weeks which was the longest my body had been without it for such a long time that it allowed the natural endorphins to kick in and contribute.

Triggers, now I know triggers are real. But for a cocaine addict, and I mean like alot of us ended up like, it’s not worth calling anything a trigger because everything would be. That being said of course alcohol will always make a cocaine addict crave cocaine. Most recovering cocaine addicts have to accept they will not drink either as the 2 go hand in hand.

Me myself I would never even consider having a drink unless I had cocaine too. I wouldn’t enjoy being drunk, I would hate it but the 2 combined are the best feeling in the world.

The wanting you to keep your distance thing. This is the big one really isn’t it and please do not act on my opinion because I can’t speak on his behalf just my own experience.

When sober, all I would want is affection from my partner, I would feel guilty for my previous actions and what to show her I’m sorry, I would crave forgiveness and want cuddles etc even though at the time she would have been fuming.

Avoiding her was only ever for one reason. Because I was on it. Some times I’d be able to work from home, I’d do gear all day, and as soon as the time approached for her to come home I’d make up that I had been called to a job so I could leave and not see her and then wait until she had gone to bed to go home. Literally would sit in my car for hours on my own sniffing making up lie after lie as so why it was taking so long.

There would be times she insisted I waited for her to come home to help her in with shopping or something and I’d make a huge deal out of it like my boss was going to sack me if I wasn’t at the imaginary job in 30 mins because I couldn’t let her see me as it would have been obvious.

I look back at all of these things and can not believe how bad I treated her due to my addiction because I loved her more than I knew was possible to move another human being and when I was sober I showed her that.

But this is the whole reason we are all here right? Because it really does destroy a person’s soul and turn them into a shadow of who they are.

Im not saying that he isn’t feeling anxious or that he isn’t going to struggle but cocaine addiction is such a reclusive thing that most of the time when coming off and genuinely making progress most people want to sing from the rooftops and tell everyone how well they are doing which is why people enjoy CA meetings so much.

I hope this helps in some way and please ask anything else you might want to know

Take care

James x

[jamesb]

Hi Hannah, I’m really sorry to read you’re going through this, I hope you’re finding strength from somewhere.

I myself am 30 years old and was pretty much a on it more days than off guy for about 6 years so I know just how hard of a time you must be going through.

I don’t know all the factoring details about your addiction and your life living with it but honestly the first thing I really hope you do is go and see you doctor. Anything down your left side can be heart related so please don’t put off going and getting checked out. Everything you tell your GP is strictly confidential so do not worry about being honest and believe me they will not judge you. They will treat your addiction like any other illness and help you figure out the best way to get help. They will have access to all sorts of programs and organisations that specialise in recovery so it’s probably the best place for you to start.

They will also be able to point you in the right direction of people who can help with homelessness and anything else you might need.

Stay strong and if you ever need to talk just come on here and someone will always be there for you.

James x

[jamesb]

Hi I’msomebuddy

As helping hand said, it really is different for every person, there is no exact numbers and figures.

Just like one person can pass a police breathalyser after drinking 2 pints but another may fail. There is so many contributing factors.

Can I ask if you don’t mind, why the significance of needing the numbers?

Is it for validation of you are testing him or are you worried about a test at work or similar?

I hope you and.youre son are well

James x

[jamesb]

Alright Travis, hope youre holding up alright.

And you should be proud of yourself, addiction works on you believing you love the drug so to be able to have enough control to even admit that it’s gone to far is massive.

I’ll try not to go on about me to much but reading your post mate I completely get it. I used cocaine too to help with heartache when I lost my parents and to people who haven’t been through it will never understand how cocaine can have different uses. It can be something for a night in a kitchen chatting absolute wet until the sun’s up or it can be a tool to block out emotion and make you numb.

In some ways though mate it sounds like luckily you haven’t gone so far into it that it’s caused you many of the normal beatings. You’re still getting up and working which is a great thing and you haven’t mentioned that it’s bankrupted you so hopefully that hasn’t happened yet but there’s only one way cocaine addiction goes no matter how good of a person you are or how successful it can leave anyone in the gutter with nothing.

I’m not a professional but going from my experience I’m going to make a guess that what’s going on is that you’re waking up thinking you want to get on it because your brain is used to associating cocaine with getting through the day. Of course there is the element of just enjoying it but after a while your brain craves hear like it does food or water.

The next guess is that I bet you actually prefer the days youre not on it? Not feeling edgy, you feel yourself etc.

I know you must still be hurting from your break up because using the gear means you wouldn’t of actually dealt with that yet but the best thing you can do and I know it’s easier said than done is really dig deep and be the best version of yourself. That version you wish you was, without the secrets and the gear. Time is a massive thing, you need to fill your time. Gym is the obvious one. You’ll look better, feel better and that can be really helpful for getting clean. The other route is CA meetings. They aren’t what you think, they are incredible and full of people just like you and me who will support you. There’s a guy on here, danman83, he’s the guy to talk to about meetings as he knows alot more about them than I do.

You need to start loving yourself again. Give yourself a break. You went through something hard, I won’t blame you for taking drugs to take the pain away because that’s why people take paracetamol right? But you need to regroup, find your purpose, do it for your kid. Be that person you know you can be. I’m not saying go t total over night and I’m not saying it’s easy because I still struggle daily like most do but I promise you that there’s a better life.out there waiting and a better version of you to live it.

Be strong

I’m always on here if you wanna chat pal

James x

[jamesb]

Hi mate, I’m at work so can’t reply much but I saw you say you feel guilty for your son who just wants his daddy.

If this has been going on for 6 years already then the best chance of your son getting his daddy back is to distance yourself from your partner. Make sure that he knows that he needs to get help and control his addiction so he can be the dad his son deserves and hope that the realisation of you leaving and it affecting his relationship with his son helps him get clean.

If you do nothing all that will happen is your son will have a dad who’s doing gear and a mum who is worn down and tired from trying to hold the family together.

Be strong and always do what you know is right by your son.

Take care

James x

[jamesb]

Hi Cat, I hope you’re okay.

Your partner is very lucky to have had you stand by him through everything and it really says alot about how loving and selfless of a person you are.

I normally post here giving advice and help people understand their partners addiction and in some ways it may seem I’m sticking up for them but I normally try to just make people understand that addicts aren’t always bad people and that it is an illness that no one sets out to fall victim to.

In your case however, you have been with him for so long and been through the process many times already so I’m sure you know all of that.

Deep down your boyfriend doesn’t want to hurt you. He’s probably hates the way his addiction effects your life and your own well being but like all addicted people, he will have this thing inside him that he battles that occasionally he falls victims to and relapses. If he wasn’t ashamed he wouldn’t make the excuse like it was only a little etc.

I too slipped into addiction from occasional use when I lost my parents both within a year of eachother and like you said about your partner, Cocaine was how I dealt with it. Well more so didn’t deal with it. I used it to make me numb.

At first yes that was true, I was using cocaine as a coping mechanism but soon the reality was I was losing my loss as an excuse to justify the fact I was addicted and just wanted to keep doing coke.

No amount of drugs will bring back anyone and all it does no matter what the drug is, is delay the greiving process and cause a whole world of pain for both yourself and everyone around you along the way.

My partner eventually left me. And if I’m honest she didn’t leave “me” she left the person who I’d become. She left a guy who she couldn’t count on anymore a guy who kept promising no more but always did again. A guy who made excuses, lied and was trying to blame everyone one and everything else for his failings.

Im now not that guy any more, I’m clean and honest and that’s why I come on here so much because what I know about what addiction does to a person and their family.

My advice to you as hard as it is, is to move on with your life and focus on yourself. You don’t deserve to be living an unhappy life because of someone else’s problems. You have done more than most and I applaud you for it but at some point you have to say enough is enough and focus your energy back into living a life that is fulfilling and make you happy.

Im not saying cut him off completely if you don’t want to but you must set clear boundaries and try to stick to them.

Deep down he will still be a good loving guy and I feel after years of you supporting him, he has to now prove to you he is worth all that love and support and earn the right to have you in his life by really taking control of his addiction.

I once had to ask myself, “if she (my partner) was a friend of mine and her boyfriend was treating her the way I am, what you’d I say to her? I’d tell her to run a mile!)

I used to blame her for everything and make it her fault saying she didn’t love me and that she never believed me but in fact I couldn’t tell you any reason why I really deserved her to give me the time of day.

I’ve had to earn that right back and I’m still doing it now.

You’re a great person and you deserve to be happy. Don’t feel guilt for putting yourself first.

If he deserves your love he will prove to you that he does and I really hope he can do that because I know deep down that’s all you want.

Hope that made some kind of sense.

I’m always here if you want to talk.

Take care.

James x

[jamesb]

Hey bro, hope you’re good?

You seem pretty switched on and you’re clearly being honest with yourself about your drinking so that’s a good place to start from.

Personally my vice has never been drinking so I’m not an expert but I understand the want to have control over the drink. At the end of the day social drinking is okay on society its not like doing class A and if you enjoy a drink then you’re not wrong to want to get to a point of wanting to still enjoy a drink without it being every day.

I think the most helpful thing for you to do is look at time management. If Monday to Friday you are busy in the evenings with something like going to the gym or what ever else you fancy taking up, then it will be easier to get home, tell yourself not to have a drink for the 30 mins it take to sort yourself out and get in to bed.

You can also say to yourself, look it’s Wednesday I know I fancy a drink but 2 more days of gym then I can have a drink at the weekend.

You’ll start to feel better, have more money and those things will be rewarding and hopefully can motivate you to keep that kind of lifestyle up.

I wouldn’t recommend going like full t total for a while and going through mad withdrawal then trying to reintroduce it because it could lead to going 0 to 100 again real quick.

Good luck with it though man and if you wanna talk hit me up

James x

[jamesb]

Hi mate, I hope you’re okay.

Please don’t feel like anything you post on here is pointless. Even just typing it in can help sometimes like you say it’s venting.

This is an interesting one because of the fact you said he goes months without it and is his normal loveable self for a long time then he snaps back into using or bingeing I think you said.

Through what I’ve learnt from therapy and my own recovery (this is something a few people may disagree with because it didn’t make sense to me at first either) is that he isn’t so much addicted to the substance ie the coke but he is addicted to what ever benifits he gets from doing it. They may be that getting on it for him relieves stress, or takes him away from reality or what ever it may be.

I say this because I don’t think there are many people out there who are addicts who actually enjoy being am addict and infact most of not all of us would say we prefer life when we are sober. Of course though people do relapse so for me to say that cocaine doesn’t have the power to draw someone back into using even when they have stopped for a while would be ludicrous.

You said there are patterns too before he actually reverts to it. What kind of things would they be?

Id hazard a guess that your husband has something else going on and the cocaine is his way of dealing with it. If it was a straight forward weekend user who got out of hand then it wouldn’t be as common to have the long periods off it then to return, especially if he has a loving partner and child.

I personally started getting bad when my mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer. I was obviously sad all the time and was breaking down in tears at work. Being self employed I had to find a way to just carry on and unfortunately my solution was to just sniff coke all day and mask my emotions so I could carry on as normal. But then she passed and I carried on, then my dad passed and I kept going and you get the picture until I lost everything.

So get to the point, try and talk to him. Don’t make the topic directly his addiction because he will be carrying alot of guilt about it but make it more broad as to why does he think he gets on it? Ask things like does he know himself when the next binge is coming and if he was able to talk to you about it before it happend would it be easier to avoid?

I know he said he didn’t enjoy CA and that’s his choice to make but maybe try another class or even ask him to come on here and I will speak to him.

I thought CA was going to be full of addicts too but infact it was full of all sorts of people. Some people there have been sober for 10 + years but still spend their free time to go and sit and listen to others who need help. I remember the first time I went the man who was speaking pulled up in a fancy mercedes, was dressed in a suit and looked very successful which he now was but when he told his story I realized he had done things even I wouldn’t of comprehend but it just shows that there is always a way out and a better life for people who are willing to try.

I really do hope that all made some sense and I really hope you’re okay.

There was plenty of wives on here that I’m sure will get back to you soon also who are really supportive so please know you’re not alone.

Stay strong

James x

[jamesb]

Hi Navy, I’m so sorry I just realised reading through the thread that you asked me some questions a while back but I must have missed the post so I never got back to you.

I’m so sorry you’re having such a hard time, no one deserves this and I know my first initial response to you was mainly giving you information to try better understand what your husband is dealing with with his addiction but it in no way excuses any partner treating their other in a bad way.

To reply to your current situation, him bring angry at you all the time and going in other rooms etc.

You to him (well his addiction) right now are literally an obstacle, you’re in the way. Imagine he has a little voice in his head that is the addiction. That voice doesn’t like you. It tells him to avoid you because he cant use Infront of you. You want him to stop you are not okay with it. That voice (the addiction) in order to survive needs him to believe that h using cocaine isn’t the problem, everything and everyone else is the problem. I know this because I used to do the exact same thing.

He will snap and tell you he needs someone to love him but in reality giving him affection and love right now will be near impossible because all he wants to do is be alone with his little voice and get on it. Even though deep down the real him knows that you aren’t the problem and that he is the one in the wrong his addiction wires his brain to genuinely believe that you are bad.

This isn’t just you though, like you said he thinks everyone wants setting from him and he gets all the shit from work. This is because as an addict he will always play the victim, that’s a coping mechanism to bridge the 2 parts of him the decent part or the guy he was and the addicted side. Without that, when he wakes up the next day and he is back to feeling himself, he would be overridden with guilt for all the bad things he says and does due to his addiction so the outcome is that he feels a victim, he tells himself he’s the good guy and everyone wants from him. He tells himself the greif of losing his dad is why he gets on it. ( I did the exact same for years when losing my parents but the truth is after a while I want greiving, I was just an addict).

The bottom line is right now he is in full frontal denial.

Now the advice I would give is this…

Out right confrontation may be a bad idea because he may become angry ect and blame you. But you need to make him aware you know and that you will not tolerate this forever.

If you have a place you can stay, a friend or family’s place.

Write him a letter. Write it in a way that tells him that you know everything he is doing. Tell him how it makes you feel. Tell him that you miss the old him that you so very loved and tell him that you want that man back or you will have to leave.

Give him the option, if he works through it and gets back to the man he was and is clean you will love and support him but if he doesn’t then you have no intention of staying with the man he becomes.

Go stay with a friend and have no contact for a few days (tell him in the letter when you will be back)

Let him sit and really think to himself what he wants and I hope that this will open his eyes to just how bad it has gotten.

If however he chooses to blame you and continue acting the way he is then as hard as it is you need to protect your happiness and move on with your own life. You don’t deserve to live in misery or fear.

I hope that makes sense and I know that you must feel so alone right now but all of us on here are always going to be here for support.

Stay strong and I hope you’re okay

James x

[jamesb]

Hi mate, I hope you’re alright.

Thanks Lindy for mentioning me, it’s really humbling to know that people out there appreciate my posts on here.

I know it sounds patronising but honestly, be proud of yourself for even having the strength to come here and post looking for help. That’s a huge thing especially with cocaine addiction because how the addiction manipulates your brain to forget the damage pain it causes you so that you keep doing it.

I won’t bore you with an essay about myself and my addiction story but unfortunately (and it’s isn’t something to brag about) there’s not too much cocaine addiction wise that I can’t relate to. The only positive is that now I can try give advice to people which is basically what I wish someone had said to me when I was bad.

To best understand what’s going on with you to try give you the best advice possible (the bottom line though will always be join CA) but would you mind giving a better understanding of the whole picture? Or what aspects of life that it’s mainly affecting?

Do you work? Is it effecting that?

Do you have your own place or live with parents?

Who knows about your addiction?

Do you have a partner and do they know?

Do all of your friends get on it too when you all go out so it’s always there?

Has it caused financial issues etc?

Sorry if that’s alot of personal questions but you’ll probably know yourself all of those things are directly effected by cocaine addiction.

Until we speak again, just know that there is a better life out there waiting for you. There will be people out there and some who may surprise you who will support you. Don’t beat yourself up for anything you have done, you can’t change that. All that matters is that you are heading in the right direction and you are willing to try.

If you have any questions you want to ask me I will answer anything you want. I’m on here every few days at least and I’ll always get back to you.

You got this, the life you imagine living is just around the corner.

Stay strong and speak soon

James x

[jamesb]

Bro, living sober Is nothing to do with anyone but yourself.

I fully understand what you are saying that is it really worth it.

When I first stopped, because everyone was so aware of how bad I was I kind of expected loads of praise but because people arent always as kind as e want them to be. Alot of people assumed I was just using in secret because they couldn’t comprehend that I could be cleaner than they was when they “didn’t have a problem”.”

The best advice i can give you is keep going, and do it for yourself. You didn’t quit for people to be nice, you quit so you can have a better life for yourself and family.

Take every thing they say and use it as motivation. In a year’s time when you have grown as a person and find success in what ever you decide to do that will be your validation.

The people putting you down are doing so because they aren’t happy with themselves.

What you are doing is an amazing thing and I know sometimes it’s hard when you aren’t getting the praise you feel like you deserve but what’s waiting for you in your sober life is worth so much more than anyone telling you “well done”

Be proud of yourself. Do this for yourself. Learn to love yourself and be the best F****cking you that you can be.

Let’s go champ!

Keep up the good work

James x

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