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Hi mate, I’m sorry if this is a little vague but obviously there’s alot of questions I’d need to ask to get a better understanding of what your situation is. But firstly just know, you are not alone, there is help available out there. Im not a professional and can’t give you specifics but there will be information on the Internet that can point you in the right direction.
Have you spoken to your dad about your concerns? Are you close with him? Do you have anyone you think you could turn to for support, even if initially they might not understand everything but having someone just to offload to may really help.
The people on this forum are great and I know they will always try their best to support anyone so I’m glad you found your way here.
Stay strong mate, there’s a light at the end of every tunnel x
Hi mate, thanks for your reply.
To answer your question of did I mean I’d do anything for her before the using in general or in between using…..
I guess (as bad as it sounds to me to admit) in between using….
The hard part to explain is that despite my drug use and the years or lies to her and the secrets and everything that came along with the addiction.
I loved her with every part of my being. But I have to be honest and tell you that’s when “I” was in control of brain.
Its important to know that not every time we use is a crazy bender that lasts a week and causes a huge row. Obviously we get away with hiding it for years mostly so alot of the times it would go like this…..
I’d be at work, I’d be craving, I’d tell her a little white lie “I’m going to stay late tonight” but the truth was I’d leave early and go get something and sit in my car and use. I’d go home at say 10pm, tell her I’m sorry for working late and thank her for being understanding. I’d kiss her, cuddle her and look at her with the same love any man who didn’t have a dark secret looked at their partner.
Then there’s the more intense situations, like when I’d be questioned because I had slipped up and my lie didn’t make sense. I’d be so nasty, if call her names, I’d play the victim, I’d make out like she was wrong for not trusting me when all I’m doing is working hard to support her when in fact that wasn’t true as I wasn’t at work.
That was the addict talking, I didn’t mean the things I said, I didn’t even acknowledge that I said them. And the addict part of me learnt to ignore all of that and do what ever I had to, to make sure I could satisfy my cravings.
But none of it was to hurt her.
When I wanted to use, it was like she was in the way. An obstacle I had to overcome. But the next day, all I would want to do is love her and treat her right.
What’s sad about it is that I never seemed to feel any guilt. That’s probably because the addict part of me wouldn’t allow me to.
But now I look back I am disgust by the way I treated her, she didn’t deserve any of it.
I hope that kind of gives an insight in some way.
Feel free to ask me anything you want to know and I’ll try my best to answer x
Thankyou for taking the time to reply to me, sometimes when I comment and reply to people on here I worry that because I’m coming from the point of view of the addicted person I may upset people.
Reading everything you said it sounds like it’s a really tough situation for both of you and you are clearly concerned for his wellbeing in his current situation being in housing surrounded by other people who may influence.
Just thinking outside the box here…. I know it may sound silly but what about hobbies? Is there anything you could encourage him to do in terms of say going to a gym or joining a team of any sort like football (or soccer as I’m getting the impression you’re from America lol) or absolutely anything he may be interested in. The thought process behind it is if he could make new friends that are not connected to the drugs etc it will be a huge help. I know myself the main reason that helped was actually jealousy. I made new friends who had absolutely no connection with drugs and had decent stable lives and the closer I got to them the more I wanted a peice of what they had. A stable life with no drama, loving relationships, financial security etc and that helped me stay strong. As bad as it sounds sometimes I would think to myself, which life do I want? This friend who has his life together with no real issues, or this guys who is still doing the same things that got me to rock bottom and is still having to live with the consequences of using.
Alot of us get so used to living in such a unhappy lifesthat it becomes almost normal and having people close who can show you just how good life can be if you put all the using behind you can really help
I hope you’re okay, you’re right there is very little help available without paying but honestly CA is amazing if you can get your partner to give it a go I would recommend it more than anything
@faithnotfear I am so happy reading your comment. There’s nothing more I can add. You are proof that with connection, understanding, and most of all your husbands commitment to getting clean that love is the answer to addiction.
Hi ladies, I hope you are all okay. I’ve been reading the last few pages and wanted to say this…
When I was at my worst, I was a disgusting partner, I never cheated, it’s not something I personally could ever do but the lies and the argumentative stuff was there. I would get so caught up in my own lies and the story I spun that when she questioned me, I would make out that she’s the bad person for not believing me, I’d manipulate any situation into her being to blame whilst all along it was completely fabricated. Someone mentioned about how cocaine high Jack’s the brain. And I wish there was a way for people who haven’t been addicts to experience what it’s like. Imagine a tiny little creature was inside you and sat in your head like at the Controls of an aeroplane. It’s your body it’s your mouth talking but what you are saying isn’t you, you say things that you never thought you where capable of, you call names you shout you become someone who if you met on the street you would consider vermin but somehow those things still come from your mouth. Despite all of that I loved my partner more than anything and would die trying to give her everything she deserved when I was sober but then somehow when I was craving or when I was on it I turned into the most vile human being.
I guess the purpose of this comment is to tell you that your partners still love you and the person you love is still in there somewhere so please do everything you can to help them on their journey to getting clean.
Stay strong but still know that there is a point where you may have to walk away but if your partners are anything like me, they want nothing more than to get clean and spend their days loving you in a world without addiction. It’s just the hardest thing in this world to do
Hi Ceelen, I hope you’re okay and I’m sorry that you are going through this. I hope it’s okay me commenting as I’m commenting from the other side of the fence. I just logged on with the intention of making a post asking for people opinions on this exact subject because I am a recovering addict and I’m finding it really hard to one come to terms with just how much pain I have caused my partner but also the realisation that, with the recovery process, I need her more now than ever but due to my own actions she no longer wants to support me which I completely understand and honestly I can’t blame her. So…..
Im sorry if this is subconsciously one sided trying to defend addicts as I’ve learned through recovery that all addicts myself included will always try and bend situations to suit them so please bare with me and I’ll try and be as impartial and honest as I can be.
I don’t know the ins and outs of what your husband did, but if he had an addiction of any sort please know that it wasn’t (completely) his choice. No one ever says to themselves, “I’m going to become addicted to drink or drugs and royally screw my life up. I’m also going to hurt the people closest to me, lie to them, steal from them and hopefully in a few years I’ll lose everything”. No one ever intends to do that but the truth is it happens.
It happens gradually and some time an addict won’t even notice. You mentioned he was high functioning. I was too. That meant it can go undetected for alot longer, he was probably still working, still providing but secretly the illness of addiction would have been gripping tighter and tighter. Now the lies, which happen in every situation with an addict, normally start with the best intentions. They start because the addict doesn’t want anyone to know. Doesn’t want the shame and doesn’t want to worry their partner. But as time goes on things get worse the lie get bigger and its a one way street.
As an addict and get to the point you need help and you know you are powerless to your substance, the scariest thing of you are high functioning is to come clean and ask for help because you’ll be worried that job you still have will go, your Mrs who hates you but is still around will finally leave if she finds out and you’ll be left alone. So normally people try to stop on their own but it never works.
What’s important to know is that deep down the person who you once loved is still there. But that man has been fighting a losing battle within his own head daily with his addiction and its like having a split personality. I love my (now ex) partner with every ounce of my being and I would pass any lie detector test if I was asked because its true, but somehow I still did so many terrible things to her and without a second thought. The way that was abke to happen is because when the addict inside of you is in the pilot seat, you have no control over your emotions, your thoughts or your actions until the next morning when you sober up and have to deal with the guilt and heartbreak of what you have done.
Now I can’t tell you what’s right and wrong but I ask you to please at least consider a 3rd option to either just stay or leave.
Keep your distance, safeguard yourself and your kids. Maybe move out or figure out what works but please don’t give up on him. If he is really serious this time then he will be going through the toughest fight of his life and I gaurentee his motivation will be his family. I’m not saying to just forgive him, no he has to earn everything back through actions and that will take a long time. But addiction is not a choice he made and no matter what he did to you i am sure that he still loves you.
You don’t have to live with him, or see him every day but try and be a part of his recovery, let him share his struggles with you when he is having a tough day and wants to go back to the drink and I hope and pray that the man you once loved will begin to shine through again.
I wish you and him all the happiness in the world and I wish you both good luck.
All the best x
Hey bud, hope you’re okay man, like you said, Its a huge thing even just reaching out and admitting to yourself you need help.
Without sounding like the whole cliche “I’ve been in your position” thing. It wasn’t that long ago I was kinda where you are. I won’t go into my story but I was using cocaine almost daily and hiding it from my partner. The part that i think alot of people overlook is that sometimes, if your partner / wife / husband is unaware of your habit, it can be really hard to get help. Unfortunately I recently was caught and I have lost everything because the lies unravelled and she realised just how deceitful I had been for so long. But the point I’m making is, it will be hard to get the proper help you need without anyone realising. You can’t go to meetings or doctors etc too many times before someone wants to know where you are.
I’m happy to keep in touch with you man, I have alot more I’d like to say and I’ll help out in any way I can but honestly. No matter how hard it seems and I know its the last thing you would ever want to do. Consider coming clean to your wife. It will be tough but then you can put a plan in place, after the initial anger I hope she would be supportive. Please don’t make the mistakes I did and keep going until you are caught and its too late. Life and family are way too pressious to lose to drugs.
Take every day 1 at a time, remind yourself what you have in your life and what is worth fighting for. Be that man you know you are, the one you was before the drugs and be strong bro. It will be tough but I’m rooting for you.
Always here if you want to talk x
Hi Lozza, I will try keep this short as I have so much to say but mainly I want to try put a possible scenario across. Firstly it’s amazing that your husband had achieved what he has I can’t congratulate him enough. But when getting off anything they talk about triggers alot. I’m guessing what’s hard for him now is learning how to live life sober. Any social even, will of course be something to him that would be considered a trigger. I imagine pre sobriety, at social events he would have a drink and enjoy himself. What seems to you like him being disinterested may actually be himself in some way trying to mentally remove himself from the situation so he is not tempted to drink. In many ways it could be a show of how strong he really is. Managing to still attend and be disciplined enough to not interact too much to the point he may feel tempted. If you can talk to him and see if maybe something like that does play a part, then maybe try to find a way to work the social events around him where as no one is openly drinking etc. Just a thought but I hope it helps in some way x
Hi jasmine, I don’t have alot of time to reply now but I needed to reach out and hopefully we can carry on talking later. Firstly as hard as it is to comprehend right now I want you to know that despite all of this, your son still loves you and cares for you. Right now he is not himself and the person stealing from you is a unwell version of your son that he is battling with every day.
The problem is, as long as that unwell portion of him can find a way to keep feeding itself, the real person inside will keep losing the fight. You have to stop him from getting any more money from you. No matter how hard it is to watch him beg. No matter how many stories you are told. Every penny will be feeding the addiction and while he is doing drugs, it will sound like your son, will look like your son but I promise you that is not your son. Find a way to separate the the 2 parts of him. When he is sober, he will feel so much guilt and remorse for the short period of time before the cravings kick in and his mind is taken over which is when the calls for money and lies start. In that short window when he is sober. Talk to him, tell him the effects it is having on you. Tell him that you have nothing left to give. If you have to move your finances to an account he can’t reach then maybe look into that. Offer him support and try to understand that he is more than likely crying out inside for the strength to stop.
I’m so sorry this is happening but I hope we can talk some more. For the record…. I was once the son doing these terrible things. And I’d give anything to be able to go back and change what I did.
Alright bud, I hope you’re well man. I could write a long post but every thing I’d write you would already know.
All I’ll say to you, is what would you tell someone if they had posted they had a wobble after 4 months?
You’d tell them not give up and you’d remind them of how far they had come! It’s hard to take our own advice and it’s easy to be hard on ourselves but you have proven you can be strong so be proud of that, reset and go again.
You’ve been there for alot of people bro and those people will be there for you now.
No one said its going to be easy for any of us. And if anything I respect you even more for coming on here and being honest.
You got this man, we are all here for you.
This is a marathon not a sprint and there’s going to be setbacks but all that matters is we keep pushing right?
Hope you’re good and I’m looking forward to the post soon saying its been 1 month then 2 months etc.
Keep your head up buddy. You’re a good man x
Alright bud, I hope you’re well man. I could write a long post but every thing I’d write you would already know.
All I’ll say to you, is what would you tell someone if they had posted they had a wobble after 4 months?
You’d tell them not give up and you’d remind them of how far they had come! It’s hard to take our own advice and it’s easy to be hard on ourselves but you have proven you can be strong so be proud of that, reset and go again.
You’ve been there for alot of people bro and those people will be there for you now.
No one said its going to be easy for any of us. And if anything I respect you even more for coming on here and being honest.
You got this man, we are all here for you.
This is a marathon not a sprint and there’s going to be setbacks but all that matters is we keep pushing right?
Hope you’re good and I’m looking forward to the post soon saying its been 1 month then 2 months etc.
Keep your head up buddy. You’re a good man x
I feel almost like a traiter writing this as I was that guy once but when I was bad even though I carried on using I deep down was desperately hoping to be caught out so I could get it out in the open and address it and deal with it. Which eventually happend and my recovery started.
What I’d say is if you’re home together the most. Obvious thing will be the person’s behaviour. Cocaine without alcohol makes you very edgy, very jumpy almost nervous. People have the idea that it makes you very cocky very bouncy like in the films. It often is the oppersite when used without drink. Eye contact is important too, when on it eye contact will be avoided. You’ll notice them like scanning the room constantly but not looking at you.
Then theres also things like being sweaty, not being able to keep their hands still. Runny nose etc
Are they going to the toilet alot more and shutting the door? Men don’t normally shut the door if they are going for a wee.
Then there’s the question of where it’s being kept. Probably on his person. So check wallets pockets etc.
The floor is a bug one people miss. When you do a line you wipe down the surface but often specs of it fall out your nose and will land on the floor or surfaces near by. Also if a surface has been wiped down and you go in straight away after, question why the side has been wiped down and is wet.
Finally it sounds silly but crouch down so the surface is at eye level and shine a touch when it’s dark you’ll see then any specs that have been missed.
If it is the case your partner has been using, I know you’ll be mad but there is normally a deep rotted reason for use that is more than just wanting to do it for fun or what ever. Your partner is probably struggling with something and please remember that when confronting them.
All the best and hope that helps
Hi Betsy
Hope you’re alright. I know it probably is alot to take in know and you have every right to feel the way you do.
I think it’s a brave thing he has done coming clean to you. It says a few things. 1 he obviously is remorseful and wants to stop and knows its an issue, 2 he trusts you, as believe me, this is probably the biggest secret he has and one that he is most ashamed about. It also says he very much loves and cares for you and wants you to know what’s going on in the hope of saving your relationship.
What’s important know is communication and support. If possible, try to find out why he has been doing it. If you can, try to avoid demanding exact details like dates when’s how much etc and then trying to peice together exact nights and using it against him for example “so whilst I was out having dinner with friends that night and you said you was doing this… In fact you was doing that” that will make him close up and not want to talk.
No one wants to become addicted and its important to know that although you feel betrayed, he never did any of this to hurt you. This drug can take a grip of the most decent man and make them do things they never thought they would.
If you have a friend you can trust to talk to this about maybe talk to them about the feelings you have like the anger etc as directing that at him straight away will effect how honest he is with you.
If he is stopping then he is about to go through a pretty tough mental battle and he will already feel the guilt and shame himself without having someone telling him that he is this and that.
That being said I’m not suggesting you walk on egg shells and don’t address the issues it has caused in your relationship but give him the chance to get clean and his head back on straight first so he can be himself when rebuilding with you.
Alot of people turn back to drugs as a coping mechanism and sadly a lot of the time it’s hard to break the cycle when dealing with the consequences of your actions making you feel so worthless and guilty.
I’m giving this advice on the pretence he is a good man. If however you find that you’re being taken advantage of and he continues to use it while lying to you about it my advice would be for your own well being to step back until he sorts himself out. Many partners go through hell with partners for years lying about using and it can turn people crazy constantly trying to catch the other out.
Hope this helps and I wish you both well x
The fact there was no reply probably confirms your suspicions that it was just a story and you did the right thing. But like I said please don’t beat yourself up.
I know what you mean about seeing the groups of lads out and the way it made you feel as at one point I went from being one of the lads out in the sun to the guy sitting in his room alone looking out at them.
Unfortunately with any addiction I don’t think anyone will quit until they truly want to he needs to want to stop himself. This normally happens when a person gets to the point where they feel they have lost so much and they don’t want to lose any more which is sad. Because it means they have to go through so much heart ache first.
In all honesty I wish I could go back and warn myself about what my future would end up like and tell myself to stop way before it got to the point it did because I nearly lost everything.
Maybe show him this forum and show him some of the posts of people. Who are in similar situations. I don’t know if it’s allowed but I’d be more than happy to talk to him. I’m 29 so just about still in the age bracket where he might listen to what I have to say because I just wasted the best years of my life like 21 to 28 on this stuff and would do anything to be able to go back and reliventhemvwithiut my addiction.
Stay strong and I hope you and you’re brother are well xx