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Bump, I’m really sorry that your going through this, the disappointment of them getting a few months clean and relapsing is very hard to deal with. At least he knows that he can do it, and hopefully he won’t want to go back to having no money and no life for long. My son lives with us and it’s a struggle. He is making slow progress but I wish when he came back in lockdown I’d set out a few more rules around him being here, such as doing NA or something similar.
I really hope that your son gets in touch soon, look after yourself and the rest of your family xxx
Hi Bump,
I’ve been thinking about you and all of us and wondering how things are going. The free rehab info is on the Talktofrank site under help and support, you have to scroll down the various types of support to get to Rehab.
I think rehab may be the only solution for my son, and I’ve spoken to a couple who’ve told me that it’s just a waste of money unless they really want to do it. This is so hard, because I’ve no idea what we’re supposed to do while we wait for that to happen. It just feels like years of drama, misery and savings down the drain.
Lindy, it’s great that your son is properly engaging with the 12 steps, people who stick to it seem to really change their lives. Knowing that he is doing well does give us all some hope.
Your story is really sad, I am so sorry that you’ve been through all of this. It sounds like you are isolated and alone with this. The awful violence and drug taking should be the end, but it’s not always that simple when we love people who are not good for us. Please get help with your situation, maybe start with a domestic violence charity who can support you in getting to a safe place. You are worth a lot more than this. God bless you x
I’m so sorry that you are going through this. I agree with MeStre, you got together very quickly and had there not been a baby I’m sure you’d have moved on as soon as you realised that your partner had a problem with alcohol. I grew up with a functioning alcoholic father and it was horrible and tainted so many family events/celebrations, and most meal times. You do need to talk to him about how you feel, but it sounds like he’s not ready yet to accept there’s a problem. Bringing a baby up on your own will be hard but it may be easier than bringing one up with an alcoholic. There is a really good helpline for relatives of people with drug/alcohol addiction called Drugfam, if you can, give them a call, they will support you through this. Good luck with this xxx
I really feel for you, but honestly, stay strong for your children and don’t give way. Maybe at some point he’ll get clean but you cannot gamble your family’s happiness on that. I hope you can move on and find someone that makes you happy.
My son’s a heroin addict, and when he comes off is just as difficult (maybe more so) than when he’s using. He suffers from PAWS which makes him irritable and very bleak. You kind of think it’s going to get easier when they come off but it doesn’t. Also my son medicates with other things to help with insomnia and anxiety, so I have no idea what’s going on. Heroin addicts are very secretive and when they relapse it can take a while to find out, you probably no all of this. You end up feeling like your going mad. I wish I could advise you what to do, but it’s a long hard slog for both of you. You can get really good support from Drugsfam, they have a helpline, if nothing else they’ll help you to think about boundaries and make you feel less isolated. Heroin is an absolute curse, I really feel for you xxx
I’m really sorry, you sound like your in a very tough place at the moment. I don’t know anything about your situation but I know how it feels when you can’t summon the energy for another day and see your way forward. So many people will read your post and know that feeling. Just know your not alone in this, keep posting on this site. I found yesterday a struggle at work, just coping with a new co-worker and a million questions, I just wanted to cry. Last night I listened to some positive podcasts and today I feel slightly less like throwing my self out of my office window.
Trying not to think beyond today also helps me feel less overwhelmed. Goodluck xxxx
Hi Deb,
I hope you are okay, I know how you feel, its just gruelling. It would be so much easier if you knew it was going to end, but its the thought that we will all just be going around like this for years. I really did enjoy the Russell Brand book. I’ve now also bought it on audible, and that is even better, as you can just listen in the car or for me when I can’t sleep. The book is called Recovery, there is a lot of swearing, just ignore. Its aimed at our kid’s generation. I bought it for my son, in the hope that he would read it. It has made me realise the benefits of the 12 step programme, that its not enough to just want to give up, they have to find something bigger to believe in to stay the course. He also tells some very funny and very sad stories. Just keep in mind it’s not written for us, but it may help our kids.
I hope things get better for you, I have also felt very low lately, a bit tearful, like I’ve run out of steam with it all. My son suddenly turned a bit of a corner a few weeks ago, and started counselling and cutting down his usage but it takes my head a while to appreciate that and to catch up. I’ve read so many heart-breaking stories on here recently, there are so many of us stuck in this situation. I hope and pray things improve for all of us, and that this government starts to spend some serious amounts of cash on sorting out the problem.
Hi,
I’m so sorry to hear your story, it must be very difficult with children in the house, and having gone on for so long.
My son is a heroin addict, and we have been stuck in what feels like hell for the last 5 years with it. As you’ve said, opiates are really hard to quit. My son has done it for a good few months, I think probably with 7 months being the max, but then relapses. It’s hard, because they hide it, then you think its you and that you’re being overly suspicious or just going mad.
I have been looking at Rehabs, the free ones and also the charitable subsidised ones.
The problem I have found that where I live the local Addiction services make an assessment and then hopefully the council will pay the fees if the client is ‘deemed suitable for residential rehab treatment.’ I can’t find out if anyone gets as far as being sent to rehab with the council paying. My suspicion is that the local addiction service decide that most people are suitable for home detox, with visits from a drugs worker. Its a lot cheaper and probably a lot less effective. My son lies in bed all day, just getting him to shower and put his clothes out for washing is becoming a real challenge. I am sure in a residential detox once they were through withdrawal they’d have to get out of bed and do some kind of work. I think that if we could get to that stage we could introduce a new set of rules when he comes home. Lockdown has been terrible in that all rules went out of the window and its hard to establish any structure and boundaries again. My son has recently started looking at the 12 step programme and I think that would be a real positive, because they support each other so well, and have somewhere to turn if they relapse. I have just read Russell Brand’s book on recovery with the 12 steps and that was a real eye opener. I know you’re probably thinking ‘Russell Brand????’ but he is a complete advocate for the 12 steps and so far hasn’t relapsed once since around 2002 – so it is possible!
Keep talking on this site there are loads of people going through this, helping and supporting each other. Take care of yourself and your children, they have to come first in this.
Hello, I’m really sorry to read your story, you’ve been through so much, and walking away must have been a very hard thing to do. Husbands and fathers on coke is a very common theme on this forum, you are not alone in this and it does help to people going through the same thing. You can talk to volunteers at Drugfam who are brilliant, they’ve been there themselves and will help you in how you manage the relationship going forward. As someone else has said, you didn’t cause this and can’t fix it. He will try to make you feel guilty to get you to go back. As you’ve said, you do need to prioritise your child having a safe and happy home. Keep paying here there are loads of people who will share experiences and support you. My issues are with my grownup son, we’ve been circling the same issues for about 5 years. I hope you move on with your life and find someone who deserves you and will be a force for good in your life x
It was good to hear from you, I thought so much about your situation over the weekend. He is in the best place and that is down to you. I hope that you and your son can relax a little now and get your breath back. Sleeping at night without an addict stalking around is a novelty when you’ve not had it for a while. I hope you can access good legal advice and guidance on welfare issues. There’s lots of help and support out there now it’s not a big secret that you can’t talk about. Take care of yourself and your little one xxx
You are such a good person and have loved and supported the people that should have done that for you throughout your childhood and as a young adult. Losing your mum must have left a massive gap in your life and you will feel completely destabilised, but try and start to think about you and what you want from life. You are still so young and can completely turn things around. Please don’t let your dad grow into the space your mum has left behind. Think about going to your gp, tell them what you have been through and ask for some counselling. I hope you have other friends and family that can help you to find a way forward. Keep posting on this site, it’s very friendly and supportive.
You sound lovely and you deserve to be happy x
I hope that your hospital treatment was okay and that your ex-partner is safely in hospital. You need a period of calm to sleep and start to process everything. It would be good if they keep him in for a while – fingers crossed x
I’m really sorry that you’ve had all of this to deal with. The overwhelming sadness and stress that comes with watching someone you’ve loved destroy themselves in this way is massive. I hope by now he’s back in hospital and stays there. I know at the moment you can’t see a future for yourself but you will come through this. Right now your completely overwhelmed with everything that’s happened. You’ve done all the right things for him, he was just killing himself by being hidden away in the house. You do need good legal advice on the way forward with this though. Just take it one day at a time. I am off to take my son to a meeting 2 hours away so have to go, but back later. Stay strong xxx
Thinking about you, I hope you’re okay x