[kulstar]

Purpleheart – for me coke took over when I reached for it on a Monday morning and got the supplies in after the usual weekender bender. I needed a pick me up to operate at work (which was during lockdown and we were all at home). Given the weekend I had, I felt low and just thought if I could get through the usual Monday blues with a bit of help that I’d refrain from using it during the week. This was a falacy.

I became ever more reliant on it over the next 12 months to Feb 2022 (teetotal since then). Once you start to use Coke during your normal day then this is where the lines are crossed. Cocaine will numb emotion, or at least the emotion that matters as you can’t face what you’ve become. When that happened to your man, well only you I guess can piece that together?

[kulstar]

Hi Bellapop. My take on the stages as a former addict. 1 – the pull of the drug is too great and running away is easier than to stay as he knows he can’t use. The thought of not using puts him a in a fight or flight response so chooses to flight so he can continue using.

Stage 3 – feeling sorry for yourself but knowing he has to continue living life but with the drug still in his life. This stage is critical for recovery because it’s all about consequence. Again, because he’s looking for a new future with the drug in it the consequence isn’t severe enough for it to have sunk in that this will add no value to his life. My recovery started here when I had the realisation that I deserved a better future with loved ones. The consequence of losing it all was too great even though previously I had already envisaged this would happen. Having my kids effected was my realisation that I needed to change. Rather than looking at ways out it was more about ways into my existing life just without the coke.

Stages 7 and 8 are when I really used to feel great but my reward system was geared so that while I was in Stage 8 the bender was my reward. My brain had been hardwired to accept this. When you recover as an addict you realise that Stage 8 can be permanent and that life really is so much more. Addicts fall into a fallacy that the way to reward is to get on it. In fact so many of us work hard during the week to then get wrecked at the weekend that we forget to live. Trying to break the reward cycle is hard but it has to begin with Stage 3 (consequence).

[kulstar]

Hi M

My last so called hurrah involved me staying away in 3 different hotels over a 5 day period. I missed my sons first football match which I’ll forever be kicking myself for. Ironically I’m now the coach of the team and have been since recovery. For me it was the time away from my lovely family which absolutely done for me. I’d always hid under the cover that no matter what my addiction to cocaine, the kids got to go to all their clubs which I would take them too (often under the influence although as an addict you couldn’t clearly look at me and say that I was on it, maybe people could tell but just didn’t want to say, I’m not sure).

My turning point was my sons first football match, it was a glorious February 2022 sunny afternoon and instead of being there, I was into a 72 hr binge in a hotel on my own, drinking whiskey and sniffing gear watching porn and listening to songs (not at the same time I hastened to add!). I knew I deserved better. Yes, my kids deserved better but the real turning point was that I knew I had become someone unrecognisable to my core DNA of being a loving Dad, Husband, Son, Brother etc.

It often takes certain life events which have consequences to enable the change. If I was ever to go back their again, the society around me would know far too quickly of my missing presence. I’ve built a completely different life in that the time I had before for sniffing, getting high and being able to hide even in plain sight simply isn’t there anymore. There is no space for it. I live quite a regimental life now with the kids football, early nights, gym etc that the moment this slides out of kilter my loved ones would rightly know about it. When people recover or abstain they often still think about their previous life which is what pulls them back. They think they’re missing out on something however the key is to work on yourself during abstinence so you have far more coping mechanisms and your kitbag is strong to resist the trap of going back down that hole again. It never served any purpose.

My empathy had been shut off completely, the moment it would return a sense of guilt would rush over and given my core DNA of being a loving hubbie, father etc. I would shut this down by sniffing and drinking more to numb these powerful emotions.

The apology is a great sign, it’s a step towards acceptance. This acceptance needs to be unequivocal and without any terms and conditions. Yes I did it and I’m sorry BUT. There can be no BUT. No rhyme or reason can be provided. People go through such hardships in their lives but don’t resort to coke or alcohol to suppress their emotions. The coldness you talk of is the drugs suppressing any emotion. Him being callous to you is easier than to accept what he has become, a classic diversion to make himself better by making you feel you don’t care.

I was lucky in that after my last hurrah I only wanted to be home, my wife forced me to stay away at my parents house around the corner but I refused. I knew my time had come and that I wanted to recover around my loved ones.

This will be hard to hear, you say he’s let you down a number of times. Key thing is what makes it different this time? Does it feel different, what different actions is he going to take? If he’s on this merry go round that you’ll always be there then it feels safe for him to repeat the cycle.

Don’t worry about rambling, you’re struggling for support and don’t know what to say or how to say it. Just say what you feel. By heck none of us wish we’d even have to type here but hey ho, life isn’t simple!

 

 

[kulstar]

Hi Poppy

You’re right to state it’s a huge red flag and there will still be a degree of Am I really going to relinquish the resource needed to buy more Coke from your hubbies perspective. I remember when I first tried to quit in June 2021 and my wife stated she needed full control and transparency over our finances. I point blank refused and flipped it back on her regarding trust, believing in me etc. This was all hogwash and was designed to create a smoke and mirrors situation to distort the truth.

Only in Feb 2022 once I had accepted who I’d become gave up our finances to my wife. It was a massive relief knowing I had no more access but vitally I knew my wife needed action to start trusting me again. The second part was so important to me that I didn’t care that I couldn’t withdraw any money. Not because I didn’t trust myself but because winning back trust which is fundamental to any relationship was that much more important.

When you truly accept what you have become you’ll do anything to start to repair the damage you’ve done. You had your chance and you blew it. You now have to abide by the terms and conditions set by others until you can show real change. Even then it has come to you with no thoughts or feelings of Look How I am Now, You Owe Me because I’ve changed. No one owes you anything because you blew it, you owe it to yourself to be a better human and this is where the real change happens.

Kulstar

[kulstar]

Thanks JamesB for the mention. Only with acceptance and ownership can we as addicts truly reflect on what’ve become and whether or not you want better for yourself. I mention yourself as it has to be for you. Unconditionally for you and you only. What follows is a ripple effect, you’re the stone that creates the wonderful ripples that everyone gets to experience from recovery. Once I had accepted it was all my doing, actually the future looked great. There are no guarantees in this game as we know but I knew I deserved better such was the desire for the true me as you’ve described.

 

To all the loved ones who have responded to JamesB, have hope because at times thats all you have left. Sometimes it really is fate on whether or not that bulb ticks on in the addicts brain for desiring a better future. Question is how long do you hold onto Hope at the detriment of yourself. I know I came very close to removing all chances of hope from my wonderful wife.

Love and Blessings to you all

[kulstar]

Thanks for all the love guys, much appreciated.

Navy it’s all too familiar a story I’m afraid. Addicts will convince themselves that no matter how bad it gets, their loved ones will always be there. By heck in my so called heyday I had accepted that I’d probably end up losing my wife and inadvertently preferred the white stuff over her. That’s how strong it is. My turning point was missing my son’s football match which is not something I ever imagined. You never quite know when the turning point will come. I can’t tell you what you need to do however addicts need consequence else they live in this merry little bubble. As severe the consequences always remember it’s not your fault. He’s prompting these actions from you and he’ll use every trick in the book to make you believe you’re in the wrong, not supportive or compassionate. We become manipulative, masters of lying, smoke and mirrors etc. Talk of suicide when he’s created this mess himself is the classic default when you’ve got no more options left. It sounds harsh but it’s the truth. You’d never want anyone to commit such an act but you can’t be held accountable for another adults actions.

Your partner has got used to you being there no matter what he says or does, IMO and as Paw has said, self care and putting yourself first is paramount. There is only so much assistance you can provide. There is no truer statement than you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. If he’s lucky and blessed he’ll seek real help but he needs a severe catalyst for this to happen. Currently this catalyst just isn’t happening. I do get quite frustrated at times hearing of such situations as you feel like shaking someone pleading them to wake up. Reality is though in my heyday if someone had done that it still wouldn’t have worked. Acceptance of ones own problems for me is half way to a meaningful recovery. No amount of forced intervention is sustainable. One has to accept who they have become before they make a meaningful change. I still hold dearly to my heart who I had become as a reminder (in a positive way) never to go back on that path ever again, it really served no purpose. The so called short term pleasure I was seeking was a mere fallacy. It was true that the Emperor really wan’t wearing any Clothes. I had convinced myself for so long that he was.

ThisTim, I will endeavour to post more my friend.

[kulstar]

Aaww bless you Mmike. The fact that you recognise the alter ego is half the battle. See it, get to know it and then tell it you’re the boss that runs the show not him. We all make decisions led by our alter ego, by heck I still do it now in everyday life but key is to recognise it. Once you live a certain way the ego’s decision making effects you and just doesn’t feel right. This takes time, trial and error. Aim of this game is not to be perfect, that’s very difficult unless you are a monk living in the Himalaya’s!

[kulstar]

JamesB sorry to hear how you’re feeling and can simply only relate.

If theres one thing I’ve learnt over the last 14 months is that I can’t control the outcome, only the process. So, you can’t control whether or not you’ll have the same family set-up as before but you can control the process to achieve the outcome. Your energy should allow you to focus on not doing cocaine, on doing good in society, being that man your partner fell in love, being that man that your daughter adores.

Now I know that you want this today however what is that Sigmund Frued said? Maturity is the ability to postpone gratification. I also know you don’t need smart quotes thrown your way however there is so much truth in these quotes you only really know what they’re about once you experience it.

I’m sorry to hear about your parents and clearly effected your emotional state. JamesB I’m not being harsh or unsympathetic when I say this. Through your post there is still a certain amount of, I’ve been clean why is the world not landing at my feet. Truth is many individuals go through very difficult life events however don’t do cocaine – even those who have tried cocaine in the past. You’ve thought of doing coke, called the dealer, made the transaction, got the bag, crumbled the goods, lined it up, taken a card and a note out and taken that hit. You can see how many processes there are to this. Yes it’s as easy as ordering pizza these days as the saying goes but you’ve made these decisions. Every decision and action has consequences. You’re sadly living through these.

At the very start of my recovery journey I didn’t have expectations of where I’d end up 14 months month time, yes it’s been an absolute blessing and I’m very fortunate to live the life I do now. However, given all the usual behaviours while on Coke I fully accepted I made these decisions. I could only control what I would do for that minute, hour and day. Those days rolled into weeks into months and hopefully now into years. Tomorrow is never promised and I can only control today.

My thoughts are that rather than looking at what could you have, look at you do have. Set a plan of behaviours and actions that you can control. Whatever life holds for you will come to you. Yes, cocaine is an evil impulsive drug that plays on your deepest darkest weaknesses as it promises instant gratification but delivers hell but who knows what other factors could’ve come into play in your family. Your daughter is still happy and gets to see her Dad. She probably now has multiple holidays, multiple presents etc and you (as in your ex and yourself) get to inject all of your energy into your daughter as you share the time afforded. Full time parenting as you’ll know can be exhausting in itself!

You know my post is meant with good intentions and please see the good in what I’m trying to say.

[kulstar]

Hi Bethan

Open and honest is the only way to be to be able to genuinely get to the heart of any issue. Or at least attempt this and you will find the true cause of your discomfort.

Your blessed Mum would’ve been suffering an illness regarding addiction. Don’t let anger get the better of you, you’ll carry that baggage around with you unintentionally and let it effect your very being. I know it’s easier said than done but remember the good times you had and what she brought you growing up. We all want answers and they’ll come in their own good time. Truth is not to want find these straight away, rather question why you feel the way you do and look within.

Kulstar

[kulstar]

Hi Jenna, I replied to your message on other thread 🙂

[kulstar]

Hi Jenna

No need to thank me for my posts, I wish life was as straight forward for all of us that such experiences shouldn’t be called upon. However life isn’t a straight upward trajectory and there’ll be ups and downs. With the downs let’s share the experiences to make it easier for one another to get through it all together so the ups are even higher.

Most humans are born good and we just lose our way along the journey called life. Key thing is how far do you want to look within and change what you see in the mirror. How badly do you want to dig deep and fight?

My wife, yes – she’s an absolute angel, an angel I took for granted for far too long and nearly lost it all. It often takes such consequences to realise and wake up that you could lose it all. I wasn’t that far from this point and what a difference a year makes (Feb 28th 2022 was my awakening).

So how did my wife support me? Well, initially she was kind and understanding however this was due to me using a facade – mental health to cover up my addiction. My erratic behaviour was blamed on anti-depressants that I was taking (truth was I never needed them). I pushed and pushed using my words as artilery to defend my position (without anyone knowing my addiction). One day it dawned on me that my words held no weight anymore and this was the turning point.

Once I came clean my dear wife understood all of my behaviour was due to my addiction and joined all of the dots. It all made sense now and at the same time it didn’t, how did her hubby end up this way? I had to come to the table for her to see I was serious about change, only then could she support me. I gave up all access to finances retaining only Apple Pay (I always thought in my earlier days what would’ve happened if the dealer ever accepted Apple Pay?!) and all of my time along with behaviours accounted for. Once I came to the table could she then be of real support else it’d all have been a lie. She could only really support once she saw a change as I’d taken her love for granted for far too long. I shared my feelings, my thoughts, any urges unequivocally. There was no stone left unturned. In life to get, you have to give. I got support in abundance as she knew there was still the man she fell in love with inside somewhere.

Now you see where I am going with this, he has to come to the table first. You can only show him the consequences of what will happen if he continues in this way. He then has 2 distinct choices, either change or choose the powder. He can continue to choose the powder and the consequences can get worse until, he’s no longer your problem (easier said than done).

His symptoms are typical really of a cocaine user. Him seeing a therapist is a great start but was this his choice or did you coerce him into this? This has to be him wanting the change else it will fall down, like a child who doesn’t really want to do something. Moment your back is turned they’ll revert back to doing what they want to do.

Quite often being proud can be mistaken for egotistical behaviours which dictates certain behaviours. Being one of the lads, losing your identity because you don’t do mad nights anymore, not being able to drink or sniff the most, not being the party animal you once were – all of this was a part of what I thought I’d lose and I did. However, what I gained is immeasurable (too many things to list).

As a spouse – be firm but fair. Yes he’s an addict but he’s also  a grown man. Create a pact between you both, that he must not lie, if he uses he must disclose, if he feels urges he must be open. The pact could be made up of initial commandments or rules to be abided by. Both of you sign it. Sounds all airy fairy but it’s a start. As men we’re terrible at being open as we think it means weak. The change in my relationship with my wife really started to happen when I was open about everything. It struck a cord with her as she’s a woman who is used to chatting it out (hence why men and women are very different when it comes to this).

Don’t be scared of what comes out. Remember that cocaine will take you to places you never thought imaginable, it’ll make you do things you never thought possible, It feeds on extremeties. Once you’ve done something you shouldn’t have, it then rewires your brain to think what else you could do, what next to satisfy the most unsatisfiable of urges? If he starts to open up, listen and be considerate. The first few truths will be hard to listen to but let him keep talking. It’s not for you to understand but just absorb it. By him feeling like he can talk could just be the start of a sustained recovery, if you shut him down what do you think his default positon might be?

All the best to you also and remember that life is one big journey, we as humans have got to support one another for the betterment of society. We’ve got this 🙂

[kulstar]

Hi Navy

Xmas was truly blessed thank you!

Yes it is coming up to a year and as stated before as nice as it is to hear you congratulating me, I did it for me and me only. To be a man of purpose and my existence to mean something.

I could’ve guessed you’d still be with hubby judging by your posts (that’s not a criticism btw!). Head over Heart is very difficult as we’re not robots.

In terms of what life has to offer? Well you have to be in it to win it and currently I feel like I’m doing both. Let’s see where the stars align 🙂

Life’s just generally got busy however will keep checking in.

Stay blessed Navy ????????

[kulstar]

Morning Jenna

Just checked in on this forum. I haven’t digested your post in full but thanks for reaching out. I’ll respond in full a little later 🙂

Kulstar

[kulstar]

Your heart will tell you he has nothing but your brain will tell you he had it all but chose cocaine. You’re not naive in thinking he can stop, he can if he really wants too. Sad thing with cocaine is the pull is so strong it hijacks your nervous system and then takes a grip psychologically making you think you need it to function.

He’s used to blocking things out because he can’t face the truth. He needs to find the courage within to break himself free from the prison of addiction. Have you noticed this is all about him and not about you providing support? My change came when I decided enough was enough and that I had to change. The consequences of losing my wifey and having limited access to my lovely children (which I hadn’t factored in) completley got me in the end. It had too as the alternative was a life without these blessings in my life. To lose all this because of my addiction? Something had to give.

Messaging other women, well that’s the drug and beast within enticing you to go there. You know full well that nothing will come of it but the beast says it’s worth a shot pal, you’ve got nothing to lose and everything to gain when the truth is completely the opposite. You’ve got everything to lose and nothing to gain, this highlights the hi-jacking nature of the drug.

You can take him back on the proviso he seeks help. You’ll know if he’s serious if he accepts he has a problem and takes responsibility to take decisive action to move forward.

Your comment around he doesn’t sound as a addicted as others sound on this thread is sadly misplaced. You don’t know the full extent of his addiction as addicts have an art of manipulation and creating illusions. Also many addicts start of lightly addicted (whatever that means) which then moves gears pretty quickly to becoming reliant on it to function.

I’d say all addicts are great within however have lost their way and need that internal shift to happen for a better tomorrow.

[kulstar]

Plenty to be hopeful for. Check out my thread Addiction Recovery is Possible by clicking on my name and finding it.

There is one caveat however, the addict needs to see the light and start to believe there is a better tomorrow other than the day they find themself in today. I always knew there was a brighter tomorrow however this diminished towards the end of my addiction. It became so bad that I just thought that this life was just meant to be this way. Towards the very end I literally reached the point of exhaustion when I couldn’t function any more and realised that there was a better tomorrow. What this road looked like however was completelty unchartered but I had to start.

It started with Today is a Day I won’t do Cocaine. As it happened the secondary motto was I don’t want to Drink any more. These days turned into weeks and into months (end of this month would be 10 months). Along this timeline good things managed to happen, magic was being felt, I was interacting with society once more, I was engaged in conversation, I was now in the moment, nature had its way of talking to me, love was being seen where it had always been but I failed to see it. All sounds very fluffy but giving up cocaine and alcohol made me feel alive again without the shackles, I was free, free to achieve whatever I wanted too

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