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Hi all
it’s been a while since I’ve updated on here and lots have changed, I apologise but I am going to do a long post as really want help or advice,
I’ve been to the police who have logged a lot but is classed as civil, we are now going through legal, I’m on legal aid and don’t get much help, he has securitised his legal debt againest the family home so has a lot, I am getting legal letters from him daily.
Hes made us leave the family home, I had a notice to quit and given 5 weeks for me and the children to leave, legally we should have stayed but mentally we couldn’t stay there so my mum helped us get a rental.
He’s now trying to remove my marital home rights, I have to go to court next week, my family lawyer can’t help and all other agencies I’ve contacted say it is wrong not to agree anything but don’t have capacity to help, it was only 2 weeks ago I found out about court
he has started divorce proceedings and is going for custody of our daughter he hasn’t seen or contacted since March
Our businesses went into administration, so we both lost jobs and income, he owes a lot of money and I think any equity on the house will go.
His lawyers are saying he’s not working and they want me to pay £8600 of occupiers rent (for when I was in the house) but he’s on line as a best version life coach, he uploads videos daily on social media about how he has changed his life around, walked away from businesses and left toxic relationships, which were the reason he did drugs, (I’ve blocked him but I have friends who see it, they are close to commenting but don’t want to get blocked)
He’s got an apartment and a new car, as he wrote off the other one, he also has a partner, someone he met at rehab, I should have guessed,
I’m not currently asking for child maintenance, as thought of asking him for any help for our daughter feels wrong, I’d prefer no contact at all, the lawyers say I need to but I don’t know
The background of how it got to this is since coming back from rehab a year ago my husband has completely changed, he asked to separate in November as could no longer deal with my abuse, my abuse was asking for some help with the kids, which he took as me calling him lazy and a bad dad (I didn’t and honestly that was it)
My “punishment” was that he removed anything classed as non essential from our family home, every painting, photograph, lamps, stools, plants, mirrors, table mats, table cloths, occasional chairs and table, drinks trolly, clocks, everything stored in our attic, Christmas decs, baby keep sake boxes etc daughters passport, birth certificate
he removed all my clothes etc from the master bedroom and locked it, all this while I had a coffee out with a friend
We then had 4 months of him coming out of the room to go to the gym, to make his own food and to wash his own clothes, he’d say good morning to our daughter, sometimes sit there for 10 minutes and then disappear, and lock himself in his room, when I put her to bed he’d come in while I was settling her (story cuddle lie down lights off) he’d put lights back on take her out of bed then say night and leave, I asked him to stop as it unsettled her so then had to text him to say I was putting her to bed so he could come out the room to say night
He moved to his sisters in march, but when I was out he would return and take more things utensils, mop bucket, cling film, towels
I tried to get an occupation and non molestation order but this took weeks to get anywhere then the family law letters started and I got the notice to quit the home
the last lot of items he removed the police did help as classed it as vindictive behaviour, he emptied a side board (he’d emptied it prior so just things I’d put in mainly kids toys and post all over the floor) took all the plates and cutlery from the kitchen, tv from my sons room and my two large plants (only two he hadn’t taken the first time 🤦♀️) and he was told not to return to the house
He did once more, I got a locksmith to get in the empty master bedroom, (just ripped up birthday and Christmas cards id given him and some clothes I’d had in the under the bed drawers) shed, and garage, none of my things were in there but I wanted to do some gardening, their was a petrol strimmer and gardening tools, I went to get fuel for the strimmer but when I got back and went to use it it was gone
I discovered he’d been logged in to the security cameras, I stupidly thought they were off, we’d had problems with them in the past and I stupidly didn’t even think they worked, I searched the house and found a computer set up in a loft above my daughters room which I unplugged but realise he’d known our where abouts
the reason for this post is that he’s put us through so much, my daughter is only 4 scared of him, and going back to the red house (our old one) I have not spoken much about her dad, my 3 older ones see their dad as we have 50/50, and I’ve asked if she’d like to see hers, she said no and that was it, she talks about bad people coming to our new home and taking our things, which I’ve said won’t happen, she sleeps with me and wakes 3 or 4 times shouting mummy, she started wetting the bed before we left but now we’ve moved that has stopped
I don’t know what to do as legally he is entitled to see her but I’m scared it’s not good for her, I just want to do what is best for her, if seeing her dad is best I need to know how to support her so she’s not scared
He is paying for lawyers so they are on at me constantly, each time I ask for help my lawyers have to reapply for funding which takes ages.
4 years ago our life was practically perfect, he then admitted to being addicted to drugs, he said he was so happy that felt he needed more then everything changed
I supported him as I loved him so much and I don’t feel I could have done any more, but he has this hatrid of me and my older children which I don’t understand
again sorry for this post, I know people have gone through similar on this thread so any help or advice would be amazing
Hi all
thank you for your replies, I still can not understand why they do it or how they can change so much.
It feels so lonely and I am starting to think like you said, what did he really bring to our life, I was so happy when he did used to come for a day out but if I look at pictures (sad I know) he looked so sad, I can’t be anything but happy when our daughters around she’s 3 and a little ray of sunshine, her biggest problems are not being aloud chocolate ice cream for breakfast and having to go bed but otherwise she loves life.
I think some of it may be jealousy towards her as i think I did the same as you detached myself from him and give her more time but i had to be mum and dad, and try and pretend everything was ok and normal.
He’s given me and our daughter 2 months now to move out the house, he’s offered some money, which I’m not happy to take as hate the whole I’m nothing without him, to be out in 2 months, taking it is my only option really and my friends say I’d be stupid not too, but it’s a bitter pill to swallow.
Im not talking to his Mum as much as she told me I’m selfish, I should be doing everything to move out, the main reason is his sister wants her holiday let back and, even though he lived with his mum before we got together (when his first marriage broke down) I’m selfish thinking he could go there, I asked for up to 6 months as I’ve just started working and want to be in a better position financially to leave but ????♀️
He blocked me months ago on WhatsApp and changed his number so only communicates via his mum, the last message I did receive was saying how he knows we will be better off apart and how he’ll look back at our years together fondly, I’m not there yet, I hate him so much but know, which I haven’t told anyone, even after everything he has done he’d only have to cry and say how sorry he was and I’d go back. I know I shouldn’t as it wouldn’t be fair on the kids, my family and friends wouldn’t forgive me either.
I know I need to move on and know once I’m out the house it will be easier, I work from home, and actually have no life, I go bed a lot of days the same time as my daughter so am not sure how I’m ever going to meet anyone, or if I can really, I feel if I do meet someone it will be closure, they could never treat me worse and I need a bit of happiness, but that sounds so stupid
He goes up to Kent most weekends and has stopped working again, I feel like he’s moved on already and probably with someone he met in rehab the first time. I’ve mentioned before on here but he sent a selfie and she replied my baby, he left it on the side and I saw the pic and reply. I did say who the F is Natasha
I got no explanation re that he just picked up his phone and walked out for days, he didn’t apologise or anything, just made me out to be jealous and controllingHis sister said if he was having an affair he wouldn’t leave his phone on the side, and he’d said to her she was a friend, quite a lot older and he didn’t think of her that way. Why not just say that to me
I think in a normal relationship it would have caused a row but I was never aloud to question things as he may start using again, which meant he could literally do what he wanted and I couldn’t even have one night out or wake up in a grump, I even got told off for looking moody handing washing up
sorry I’ve gone on again but this does help, I just sound mental if I say this to my friends, I go from still loving him to remembering how bad it was, it’s so hard xx
I hate cocaine too
it has destroyed so many families including mine and robbed my daughter of a loving father
I’m still so confused by how it all went so wrong, I don’t think I could have loved him or supported him anymore, but feel I am now the villain in our story.
He has cut all contact with me and our daughter, then blames me for keeping her away from him.
As I won’t admit I was to blame for the breakdown of our marriage too, he laughs and says that’s why we would never of worked, but if I ask what I did he says you know. He says he was poorly and I’m an awful human being, for giving ultimatums to get him to go to rehab.
I was a bridesmaid at my best friends wedding which was choosing her over him, this horrible person isn’t him, it’s what cocaine has done to him, he doesn’t care about anything anymore just being the best version of himself, which means removing anyone unsupportive from his life
His family say it would never have worked, and I know I shouldn’t care but I want to know why, the answer always lots of reasons.
I feel so mad that I spent 3 years trying to get him better, fighting for us when he was at his worst and he comes out and doesn’t give us a chance, but I can’t flick a switch and hate him
My friends, family and even his family tell me I’m better off without him, but they’ve all got someone, they’ve got lives, I’ve just got a new job that fits around childcare but I’m either working or looking after my daughter, I’m so lonely and tired no one understands
Sorry I’m feeling a bit down today, and this rant is about me and how it has effected me, but I know everyone is going through it on here too and it’s not just me, I feel no one else understands or gets it like people on this forum so hope you don’t mind me hijacking your post xx
Hi aeiou
im sorry you are going through this and have been through this myself with my husband, we were together 8 years 4 good then we had our daughter and he completely changed, started drinking lots more and he admitted to taking cocaine, we are currently seperated but he has turned so angry and nasty and is making my life hell to be honest
Sorry for the long message but this is my experience re involving family, Its hard as I know every family is different but once I involved my husbands family things got a lot worse, I involved my mother in law first as he started using daily, every night he’d be up searching for men I’d hidden under the mattress, he thought my leg was someone else’s, was sure I was drugging him so ripped ever packet open in my bathroom sanitary towels etc, ripped our mattress and sofa apart and started barricading himself in the kids room at 2 am which is when I told his mum, as I was close to involving police, I had a few more weeks of this before his sister got involved and we all got him to go to rehab, he hated me for telling them and didn’t talk to me for a few weeks, he gradually calmed down started communicating and I even got to visit him with our daughter which was nice.
When he came back things were good but if we had a little row he’d run off to his sisters, he sent a picture to a lady he’d met at rehab, his phone flashed up a picture of him and the reply my baby, when I asked him who she was (I may have said who the f is she) he said nothing, left me and the kids for 3 days, his family said if he had anything to hide he wouldn’t have left his phone on the side ????♀️ any couple row was blown out of proportion and he left for days, they made it seem I was the problem.
When he relapsed they stopped talking to him for 3 months, I tried everything but then begged him to go back to rehab which he did, I said if he didn’t I’d have to leave.
His family then got back involved, within 2 weeks I was removed from the contact sheet for rehab and his sister said he wanted to cut ties with me, she said he wanted me out the house and we’d be better apart.
(This was because I messaged him one night rather then ringing, I had a celebration with friends which he should have been at, I had a few drinks and to be honest I didn’t want to talk to him drunk, i just wanted one day off, yes sounds selfish but is the truth, he said he was off to bed so I messaged I loved him lots and would call him in the morning he said same but I couldn’t get hold of him the next day)
When he did speak to me he said I was an awful person for not putting him first, saying I’d leave someone who was obviously ill, I hadn’t supported him and it was only his family who had always been there for him, out of 4 weeks I had this one day to myself child free, he didn’t used to ring me every night at rehab as would go out for meals or be watching a movie but the one day I had plans was the one night he expected me ring.
I know there are always 2 sides to a story but I feel I am truthful when I’ve caused a problem and will admit if I’m wrong, the drug abuse put a lot of strain on our relationship but I tried so hard to make him feel loved, and be a dad to the kids, we had silly couple rows and talking to his mum even she said her and her husband argued lots more and it was normal couple things, but he couldn’t cope, he wanted us to be better then other relationships, if our daughter had been awake at night and I was quiet as tired, he’d say I was always tired and miserable which wasn’t true,
After rehab 2 he blocked me for 2 weeks and went away for a week on holiday, at the end of his holiday he messaged and said he did love me and the kids that we were his world and he wanted to ignore his family and come home.
I don’t know if it’s easier for a family to blame the other person, they’ve lots of issues as a family but choose to blame me, I feel if we were aloud to be a couple things would have been different, my daughter would have her dad, her family so I obviously have resentment towards them
He lasted a month at home after rehab but didn’t seem to be able to cope with family life, I felt we both needed time to get used to the new life and he admitted he was struggling, to stay clean he got up at 4 went to the gym, then ran, had an AA meeting a few times a week, met his mum for coffee, watched you tube on self help, had a nap, I put our daughter to bed at 7 (took over an hour to get her down) and he’d go bed at 8, if she had a paddy he’d walk out, when I was getting them ready for school he lay down with his earphones in, the last row our daughter was crying while I was trying to do dinner and when I dished hers up she said she didn’t like it and pushed the plate on the floor (she’s not a bad child was just one of those 3 year old days) he came in from his shed (was tidying it) and asked what was wrong I said I was struggling and for gods sake needed more help (3years of drug abuse, 2 x 4 week stays in rehab a weeks holiday I had no help or support with the children a 3 year old and we each have children from previous relationships) I said he’d napped a lot of the day then gone outside as soon as she got back from nursery, he took that as me calling him lazy and a bad dad which I said yes if thats how you want to put it, he went to his sisters, and we’ve not really spoken since (this was October) he’s recently moved in completely with his sister, he’s working for her and I don’t see my step children, he has disowned my children, said he no longer cares for them, and has not seen our daughter properly in months
If I was to do it all again I’d try and get him to rehab myself, I’d have a lot more contact with the rehab and wouldn’t let anyone take over, you hear a lot of stories where it ends up like mine, but there are people who do make it work. It’s not easy loving someone with an addiction and in some ways if you love them at there worst it’s really hard to stop, I do feel in constant mourning for him, for our marriage for our daughters normal life, the man I loved doesn’t exist at the moment and his family think he’s better off without us, I worry he’s not well and support to get back to a normal life would have helped him more but I don’t know.
Your husbands family may be a lot more supportive and I hope what ever you decide works out for you, just try not to loose yourself while this is going on and take care, again sorry for the long message it’s my therapy putting it down in words so all comes out ????♀️ xxHi lozzy
I’m sorry to hear about your health and hope you feel better soon, it doesn’t seem fair after all you’ve put up with, I’m sure the stress hasn’t helped but I hope you are able to take your own advice and start putting yourself first, your health is everything and although the shock may make him behave for a bit you will always be looking for signs and putting him first as I think we are all guilty of doing
Please take care
And I agree Lozzy this is definitely more use than counselling, they listen but will never completely understand things, unless they have lived with an addict.
I’m sorry you’re feeling low and I hope you do find something you enjoy so you can have a bit of you time, you deserve it
It is like you said awful so many are going through the same thing and scary how similar they all act and how much we have or do put up with.
Things can only get better for all of us, thank you for all your messages and replies you help keep me sane when everything seems to much so please take care xxThere is definitely nothing wrong with you Navy and you must be exhausted, it is like walking on egg shells worried what is going to cause the next row, I’m sure we all know the feeling and no one should feel like that.
I do hope this time is different and he can stay strong for the both of you but try and look after yourself xx
Thank you so much purpleheart and I’m so sorry you and your children have gone through this, I do think he will realises one day why you did it, but it is so sad how much of the children’s lives they miss out on due to their actions then hold the other parent accountable.
My priority will always be my daughter and her safety, I’m not a malicious person, as he makes out to his family, and would never punish him by keeping her away from him, we are still under the same roof but he chooses to lock himself away, he comes down to cook food or go out, and will say hi and bye to her, some days he sits in the lounge and I’ll go to do the washing or something just to give them space, but he disappears after 10 minutes, he tells his family he can’t bear to be around me.
He admitted he had a problem just after she was born so was ill or sleeping a lot of her life, she doesn’t know any different which is sad, I couldn’t leave her with him as I’d go to get changed and come down and he was fast asleep, I didn’t let him take her out in the car as he was usually drunk or had drugs in his system, and although he’s back from rehab I don’t know if I can trust him to stay clean, he swears he is and has beaten his illness, but he has so much anger and hatred towards me, he just doesn’t seem right, I don’t know what he does locked in his room all day, I’ve had 3 1/2 years of broken promises and lies and got so used to being a single mum that I just do what I always have
She picks up on so much too which is hard, she’ll say I don’t love daddy cause mummy doesn’t love daddy, I’ve said you do love your daddy very much and I do and always will love him as he gave me you.
it breaks my heart as he so wanted to be a dad, as he felt he missed his other 3 growing up, business was going well, so we could spend less time working more time with her, and as she grew up take her to school together wave her off, silly things like that.
We built a beautiful home together too, but he got so happy that everything was perfect that he needed more and chose drugs, he’s missed so much of her milestones, and seeing what an amazing little person we have. The business is gone and the house will be soon too, it just all seems crazy and I feel so lonely and tired, I thought rehab take 2 would work, but nothings changed, I hate to say it but he’s worse, we used to have one or two nice days but now he just makes my life hell like he’s punishing me
and I’m sorry I’ve gone on again I’m just a bit low today xx
Hi all
I’m feeling really low this weekend and don’t really know why, he’s gone away so thing it’s fact he’s able to move on and live his life while I feel mines tumbled down
reading all your posts still scares me how similar our lives are, I’ve long dresses for balls we never made, he went alone this year, taxi companies we can’t use as he shouted at them and so many questions going round my head re old rows he started but I’m always blamed for
I know it will get better and hope you all can get the strength to leave to as this merry go round is never going to stop, and it’s easier to blame us then themselves so we will always be the villains in their eyes.
purple heart hello, thank you for your message and sharing, sounds like you’ve been through it and have come out stronger, and I hope to be there very soon, one question I’d like to ask is does your husband see your children, I have a 3 year old and have concerns but know I will need to sort access but that scares me, he’s been using since she was born so has not really been around, taken her twice to soft play but otherwise sleeping, at the gym or “working” she doesn’t know any different, he seems to get bored of her easily which sounds awful but no other way to explain it xx
Hi navy
thank you for your reply, I don’t feel strong tonight, I got a no from a job interview so sobbing too, I feel I have lost everything job, home and husband.
i know it will be easier once we have our own place but I worry it’s empty promises from him, he continues to lie so much that I never know what’s true and worry he has no intention of helping us, just telling people he’s doing that so he looks like a good man
I’m sorry things are no better for you, it’s heart breaking so many people are going through this because of a drug,
I think that’s why we all put up with it too as you do tend to remember the good times and want that normal simple life you describe
I feel like I’ve been single for 3 years and just want someone to love and look after me for a change, I pathetically cried in the supermarket the other day as it seemed full of couples, we used to do loads together, and I want to be able to move on and find that again.
Hi all
I’ve not been on here in a while and hope you are all ok or as ok as can be?
I tried to make Christmas and new year as nice as possible for the kids and they all seemed really happy, he stayed out the way which was good.
3rd year he’s not really been around, it did upset me hearing the kids talking about the past and their best Christmas, turns out it was 4 years ago just after my youngest was born, that was mine too, and it breaks my heart she will never remember that life we had before bloody drugsI need to vent a bit so I do apologise, I’m not sure its healthy how much hatred I have for an object, a drug, maybe I need to hate him but feel it changed him and has ruined so many peoples lives not just mine and my children so for now I’ll hate it.
First off a few positives, I’ve been getting out a lot more, catching up with friends and dragging the kids out which is good for me, he still wants to separate and I agree it’s for the best. I’m trying to find a job still (was working for our company but went into administration) and think that will be good for me too (i had to see a therapist as him and his family think I need help, she said I’m ok, but said I need to do more for me so am trying)
He wants me and the children out of the house as we cant afford the mortgage (since his addiction he has controlled all finances and got really secretive so I don’t know what if anything we have) but rather then fighting it I’ve said we’ll go into a rental and he’s offered to pay a block
But he keeps accusing me of delaying things (I’m not but can’t go until he finds the money which changes weekly when that will be) I’ve found houses and started choosing new house things (plates, cutlery very sad ????♀️) and he accuses me of not coming to terms with us separating which I have.
he says I seem mad at him which means I’m not over him, but I’m mad because of things he continues to do, he gave me the silent treatment for months and it’s easier just continuing with that but then he starts a row.
In my opinion, which annoys him, is I feel his drug taking was to blame for all of this, but he acts like it didn’t happen and drugs were never the problem, he says I need to move on from the past as that’s in the past (only September) , but said he has learnt that drink was the problem and he drank to cope with me and how I emotionally abused him, made him feel unloved, put him down etc. some of the things he says is awful and so untrue, it’s almost like a therapist says things and he said yes she did that
but then on the other hand he says how he will always look back at our time together fondly ????♀️
It’s actually exhausting as I can’t win, I think he wants me to beg him not to do this tell him how much I love him and that I don’t want to go but 3 years I sadly did that and now I’m tired, he’s won he’s got what he wants so why’s he still punishing me???
right off my chest, again apologies for the rant I can sleep now,
i hope you are all ok and take care of yourselves xx
I’m sorry you’re going through this Navy and I’m sure we’ve all asked ourselves these questions a million times.
It is an illness and I think we all hold on to the hope that they are in there somewhere and will get better but I don’t know if they will, and i don’t know how long we put up with it
It’s easy to say if you’re not in this situation I’d just leave and the easiest thing for our sanity, health etc would be to do this.
It’s not fair on you to do 7 days of 24 hours it’s not realistic and who ever is suggesting this to you is not helping either of you.
in my experience I could sit at home for 23 hours but the one hour I had a coffee with a friend or popped to the shop was when he needed me the most and showed how unsupportive I was not being there at that moment, then I got abuse or no contact, that is the exhausting bit I found from him being at rehab, I tried on many occasions to talk to his therapist but when he got mad he’d take me off the contact list which I think is wrong
I think this site definitely helps to keep me sane and I hope you feel less angry now it’s written down, I know your and Lozzys replies really help me just knowing someone is listening that really understands it unlike my friends and family
I think we all want Christmas out the way but maybe we should all use it as one day to think of us, try and forget all this rubbish and try to enjoy it, I’ve ordered a Christmas jumper today, I’m going to see family and friends and ban any talk of drugs or him
Take care, and I hope your managing to get some sleep and eating well xx