[louiseh]

Hi, I hope you don’t mind me jumping on your post. My husband struggled with cocaine addiction and has been clean 6 months. Some of the things he put me through are sickening and still fill me with anger and devastation. I have outbursts every so often but it’s all the pain I’ve pushed aside. I think the reason they can’t acknowledge it and pretend to be almost oblivious to the suffering they’ve caused you is because they can’t admit to themselves the monsters they were. It’s easier to shut it out and not think about it. If they understand it they have to admit to themselves. Your not crazy and your feelings are totally valid.

[louiseh]

Hi I Hope you don’t mind me jumping on this post. My husband had been using cocaine for 16 years. Ripped my life, our children lives and everybody’s lives apart including his own. We reached breaking point but I don’t think that was the real reason for getting clean, I think it was more personal. He was deep in addiction spending hundreds a week.. debts, stealing from me and children disappearing for days on end. I could go on with the horror stories. He just decided one day that was it, cut everyone off and got a new job which also involved mandatory drug tests. Sounds really cliche but he loves motorbikes so got himself one. Kept himself busy like literally wouldn’t sit down and relax. I know in the real world it’s not possible but he quit his old job and spent 3 weeks at home and I believe that’s what saved him. He couldn’t lie and go out and buy drugs.. that time at home broke the cycle. Go easy on yourself & I wish you all the luck in the world.

[louiseh]

It’s funny how children pick up on it all and the affects it has. You must be an incredible mum as your children sound very well adjusted. My son is 12 and I try and shield him from the drugs side of things but he knows ‘dad’ goes awol and doesn’t come home. But it’s heartbreaking watching him confused and upset when my husband is gone alright he tries to put a smile on. Luckily my 2 year old doesn’t understand but I can see changes in his behaviour when his dad returns home.

Started my morning by demanding him to take a drugs test! He’s never done it in the house.. but this morning I woke up and had a gut feeling, went out to check the car and what appears to be tiny bits of coke was in the car and he just seemed off, also one of his cards was hidden in his draws with some white residue on. He’s passed the test so I’ve spent the rest of today trying to work out how he’s passed it. I know I look for things and ultra paranoid but it all points to cocaine use. I heard him to the test so he hasn’t used water or anything.

All will be revealed as either a debt will crop up or I’ll find something on his phone. Such a horrible way to live always playing detective!

Xx

[louiseh]

Heyaa,

My story is similar to yours. I have read stories all over the internet desperately searching for happy endings to give me some form of hope ! But in all honesty the happy endings and few and far between. It’s rare to come across the happy ones. Most end in relapse.

My husbands pattern is 6 weeks clean then a bender. Then 6 weeks clean and then back to cocaine. He went to the doctors after his last bender and was prescribed anti depressants. We are currently week 4 so I’m preparing for the next 2 weeks. But even if we get to the next 2 weeks I feel it’ll be a life looking over my shoulder waiting for the next slip up.

My only advice I wish I’d followed is get him to leave and say you will wait for him to get clean and get professional help. Have no contact and if he gets clean it’s a win for all. If he spirals into his addiction he was never going to get clean and you’ve saved yourself more heartache. I never used to understand the whole enabling thing, I used to think the fact I kicked him out, gave him no money ect was ticking all the boxes. When in fact I did enable him because I stayed. He was allowed back after a argument and apology. It was enabling. Which is why next time he will be leaving and not coming back.

Sending you strength and love xx

[louiseh]

Hello Emjay,

Thanyou so much for taking the time to read my post and respond.

I read and re-read your story last night and was shocked with how much my story mirrors yours! Can I just I think you are so brave the way you continue to carry on and fight for your normal life. I can’t imagine how hard it must be living in a foreign country and deal with everything your loved one has put you through.

Your post has given me such hope that it is possible to break away from your loved one and get grips on your life.

I’ve sat here reading peoples experiences and desperately try and find happy endings but they are few and far between and sadly relapse is so common. I’m still with my husband but slowly I can feel myself emotionally detaching myself from him. Like I’m preparing for the next bender. I used to cry and worry when he was missing but now I just feel angry! My first thought used to be had he had a accident or something but now I’m like here we go again. And although full of rage and anger I just get on with my evening.

The thought of leaving is scary because right now we have a picture perfect life. From the outside we look like a happy couple with a beautiful family, home and cars as shallow as that sounds. When I leave the reality is I will have to move into a council house and leave my beautiful life behind. Although I do know in the long run I will have my sanity and happiness. Also my childrens happiness. I know all of this affects them and like you say when it starts taking it’s toll on your mental health it takes it’s toll on your day to day life. Some days I struggle to get out just to walk the dog and want to sit in my house in my pjs. Like someone had sucked the life out of me. Being an addicts spouse is just consuming and heart breaking. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.

Currently waiting for the next slip up and know if it’ll happen it’s only a matter of weeks.

How is your situation now? Are you still no contact apart from him being a dad. Does he realise it’s him with the problem or is he still in denial.

Sending you love & Thankyou again for sharing your story xx

[louiseh]

Hello again,

Sorry I haven’t been on here sooner. I completely understand the feeling of feeling out of control with your own emotions.. it’s so scary. I really admire your strength I honestly do. But take such courage to remove yourself from them and the situation. Sounds really silly but have you got tictok? Even though I am still with my husband I really found the whole narcissist and addict side of tictok so eye opening.

Just a little update on my situation.. he went to the doctors off his own back the following week and this time saw a different doctor who has prescribed him anti depressants and so far he seems in a better place and hasn’t used cocaine. Although I am not silly and know his normal pattern of behaviour is stays away from coke for roughly 6 weeks and then we have another awol not coming home bender. So I guess in a couple of weeks I will see.. as it’s only been 3 so far. I’m trying to drop the past and try and be supportive but it’s very hard at times.

I guess if this fails then I will accept there’s no helping him and I will have to remove myself and children from the situation. I guess I then know I’ve tried absolutely everything and he has nothing to hold over me regarding him changing. Because he’s never done anti dependents he’s always had the “I will try them and sort myself out”. Time will tell.

I hope your doing ok and remaining strong. Does he accept it for what it is or does he blame you for the break up? Has he accepted his issues or does he think he’s absolutely fine. If you don’t mind me asking.

Xxx

[louiseh]

Hello,

Thankyou so much for your response to my post. You have no idea how nice it is to have a message from someone in the same boat.

I’ve kicked him out in the past and we’ve gone a week with no contact but he gets his act together and ‘love bombs’ and I fall back into the same cycle.

I learnt a lot about enabling ect and I don’t give him money, he’s not allowed in the house until he’s back to normal after use and if I’m honest I’m vile to him after he’s used and I enjoy it as horrible as it sounds.

He went to the doctors after I lost my mum just before lockdown. But because he admitted his use they wouldn’t help re depression as that’s what he claims makes him use (from the research I’ve done depression is made worse by cocaine). They told him to come back in 3 months but unfortunately we went into lockdown and he didn’t take it further.

Unfortunately I’m financially dependent on him being a stay at home mum to our son. Both my parents have sadly passed away so it’s not like I have ‘home’ to return to. So finding a way out feels so slim right now.

May I ask did you leave, or are you still struggling on in the cycle? How do you cope with it all 🙁

Thankyou again so much for your response xx

[Author]

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