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Hi Saoirse,
What a time you’ve had of it & what an amazing, strong woman you are to have gotten through all of this while pregnant & then raising your son. Please don’t feel embarrassed – and don’t ever feel that you aren’t enough. This is his problem and you did nothing to cause it.
My partner is also an addict (also cocaine – he was 3 years sober with me and relapsed from last year) and currently going through recovery. He’s not living here and we are spending less time together as his focus has to be on recovery – this is his fight, not mine. He needs to be around his sponsor and his allies in CA, and I need to focus on me and healing from this.
Your partner’s mother’s attitude is simply to protect her boy, though I am a bit disgusted she doesn’t have the same feelings towards her grandson, who I would have thought deserves a stable family home as well! But this might make it easier for you to have a clean break, start afresh with your son and rely on nobody. I hope his family are decent enough to help you when it comes to the supervised contact arrangements. Don’t be bullied into anything you and your son are uncomfortable with, you’ve been through enough.
You can do this, and I know it’s hard but try to resist the urge to allow contact, as it’s so easy to end up being manipulated and guilted into giving them chance after chance. He should know by now he has a problem, and if he doesn’t, you can’t make him see this. He needs to get himself into recovery, start going to meetings, and sort himself out. What you need is calm, to focus on you and your boy, and to heal from all the hurt you’ve had to deal with. Keep your friends and family close for any support you need, do the things you love, and try to get your self back over time. Take care x
I don’t think you have anything to apologise for. What you did is react to your partner, who has previously had addiction issues, going out and doing cocaine. Why wouldn’t you fear the worst? Why wouldn’t you think he might be over-doing it like he’s done before?
If he’s previously had addiction issues he can slip back into that easily. Why does he think he can go out and do a couple of lines like it’s nothing, if you’ve been through the trauma of dealing with his addiction in the past and all the problems it likely caused?
I don’t trust my partner in the slightest at the moment given he’s just been through addiction and is in recovery. I don’t know how long your partner has been in recovery, but the trust isn’t something that comes back easily. If he announced tonight he was going for “just a couple of lines”, I would lose the plot. So I think you’re being awfully hard on yourself if you have previously stuck by an addict in his worst times x
I am so sorry for what you are going through Pops. The best advice anyone can give you right now is to focus on you and the kids right now. Your husband sounds like he’s in denial and keeping up the act – let him. You can’t force someone into recovery, they have to have acknowledged that they have a problem and to want the help to deal with it. I realise that is hard to accept, but you can’t control an addict’s behaviour, as much as we would all love to! Dealing with a loved one with addiction can take everything from you and you need to focus on what makes you and the kids happy, what will keep you sane during this time, etc. For me it’s been upping my gym routine massively, doing self care, and getting out and about in the sunshine.
Look after yourself x
James,
You sound just like my partner. And her thoughts on you choosing cocaine over her sound just like me. And I understand that that might not be the case, I’ve listened to what he says, but that will always be how it feels.
5 years ago my partner was the same as you, also 3.5g every day, and I left him and would have said I’d never be able to go back, never thought I would want him again. But a year passed, and I went a little off the rails myself with the trauma, spent most the year partying and trying to block out the pain. After a year I felt like I had got myself back and he was always getting in touch every so often. Eventually he started taking me out for dinner and we kind of dated, taking it really slow, and ended up back together. So while your partner might not be able to now, maybe there’s still hope, but if not, I know she’d want you to continue being well and for you to get everything you want in life.
My story doesn’t have a happy ending as my partner relapsed last year, for almost a year, and whether I’ll be able to do it all again for a second time, I don’t know. But I don’t regret giving it a shot, as those three years were the best of my life, until the addiction took hold again.
Never say never but also don’t base your entire plans for sobriety around that chance, you have your daughter and hopefully you’ll see her more and more as she grows. Make that be enough and anything else is a bonus xHi,
I don’t have experience as the parent of an addict though I am the partner of one. I get frustrated at times as his parents have bailed him out his entire life, and he’s now in his 30s and relapsed again during the worst possible time, when we were buying a home and taking on big financial commitments. I feel like he’s never known the consequences of his actions as he’s never been homeless, never been without his car, and had literally thousands thrown at him to bounce back every time. It’s like he doesn’t have the same drive the rest of us have as there’s no fear, Mum will always get him out of the mess he’s put himself into, he’ll always have his car and a safe place to stay and endless rehab programs. But at the time time I acknowledge there’s no “right” way, and as parents they’ve done what they think was best to help their son.
To both of you, there’s forums on Famanon.co.uk with a lot of parents of addicts with great advice on there.
Wishing both of you all the best x
Hi Smith,
I can only echo the words of Brighterdays here – I completely agree that you need to set boundaries and from my own experience as well, if there are no consequences to what your husband is doing, there is no incentive for him to change.
I feel a wee bit similar to you as also 4-5 years ago, my partner had a big coke problem that cost him everything. I left him, he got sober and sorted out his life, and we had been together for 3 happy years until last year, he relapsed and it’s been hell since then. When he first told me, he did start going to meetings but as there were no real consequences – i.e. he didn’t lose me or suffer any big life changes as a result, he kept on relapsing for a year. He cost us thousands, and he nearly drove me insane as I spent the whole time telling myself I was just being paranoid while he lied to me over and over again. This all came to a head earlier this year when he lost his job, and after all the broken promises and lies, I’d had enough. Kicked him out and he finally hit rock bottom after losing everything. He’s now doing well, but I don’t for a minute think that would be the case if I’d kept up appearances and spent my life telling myself everything is okay when it isn’t.
I hope you don’t mind me being blunt, but your husband will not get better if he’s not even acknowledging he has an issue, nor doing anything about it. He will only get worse. He has a history of addiction and if he’s taking cocaine again, it is only a matter of time before this becomes a real problem. With mines, he slipped at work a few times and then the addiction started telling him he could take cocaine, just a wee bit, as he’d been sober for so long. 8 months later, he’d blown thousands. Financially, you might be okay just now, but it will escalate. He might already be racking up debt you don’t know about, that’s the power of addiction.
If you choose to ignore this, you’ll regret it. Trust me, if I could go back, I’d have kicked my partner out and roped in his family for help a year ago when he first confessed to a slip. It gets worse so fast, especially when your husband was already an addict before. Don’t keep all this on your shoulders. If he won’t talk to you, he won’t change, it could cost you every penny you have, and you’ll drive yourself insane. That can’t be what’s best for you or your family.
Wishing you all the best x
Hi Ahurtwife,
So sorry to hear you’re going through this, especially with children to look after. If your husband isn’t willing to leave off of his own back after you’ve asked him to, it might be worth your while speaking to a solicitor to see what your options are? Sometimes a lawyers letter is all that’s needed. I’d probably change the locks and tell him his stuff is outside but I know that might cause a scene!
Not being allowed to ask questions in your marriage seems really disrespectful, as does him not putting your three kids first. I would definitely be trying to get him out the house so you can focus on you and your kids and having a bit of normality. If he works on himself and can find a way to be the support you need in your lives then great, but at the moment it doesn’t sound like he’s taken any steps to recovery and if he’s not even willing to talk about it, you can’t help him right now. He needs to sort this out himself.
Wishing you and your family all the best x
I’ve always had to detach. Take time for me, so tons of feel good gym classes, eating well, do some skincare, read a book, watch something funny on Netflix. But even having him in the house was too much and it’s obviously a lot easier to detach and forget about what’s going on when I’ve the place to myself!
I do think it’s good to have time apart to think clearly about what you want – for him as well as you. If he spends that time up to no good that’s on him and not you.
Definitely be kind to yourself x
I’m absolutely heartbroken for you Cap50 but you’re doing what’s best for you and that’s wonderful. It’s so easy to sacrifice yourself trying to help someone else and it’s impossible when they won’t help themselves. He’ll know what he’s lost and we can only hope that’ll help him to find the right path, at some point.
My partner fully acknowledges what he’s done and doesn’t make excuses. But being with an addict in the grips of addiction drives you so insane with paranoia who knows if I’ll recover from that enough to move forward. I’d love for us to have a happy ending that doesn’t involve relapses but even if that happens will I always be waiting for my world to collapse x
I don’t think we’ll ever understand the feeling as we’re not addicts. I’ve read books on addiction and tried to research as much as I could to help him (both 4 years ago when we first met and again from last year) but I’ll never really understand.
He’s living at his mum’s nearby and still comes round for the dog everyday. We’ve had dinner together and been for walks but I’m taking it all really slowly. Probably for his sake as well as mines as I’m still so angry and I have a lot of questions so it can be a bit emotionally exhausting for both of us. I don’t know what’ll happen and probably won’t for a long time, but I’m taking that time as I need it and I’m not going to be pressured into rushing the decision. I think I’ve reached the end of my tether (finally lol).
He’s never gonna get help if he doesn’t realise he has a problem. And it’s not up to you to guide him, the thought of losing you because he can’t stop should be enough of a guide (though I know an addicts mind is probably telling him otherwise but he’ll see it eventually).
It’s so hard to know what’s best to do but make sure you’re taking good care of yourself. I can’t even say when you’ll have had enough as I thought I’d had enough when I split with mines in 2018 – I said I’d never go back to that. But then he recovered and changed and we were great for 3 happy years – but somehow I’m back in the same position as his addiction reared its head again. And with our new house it’s so much harder to run away, plus I know mines can recover and he did do it before but then for how long? Definitely try to focus on you, try to find things that make you happy and put yourself first.
I’ve droned on here as the venting can feel quite good at times like this! x
I’m glad to hear you’re staying strong – I know it’s so hard when you care for someone.
That’s one thing I struggle with – when they say they don’t have a choice. While I am understanding that an addiction is an illness and their mind is telling them things that just aren’t true, there has to be an element of free will in there, or nobody would ever recover. While I’ve accepted my partner was ill, he was also acutely aware of how badly I was suffering as a result of what he was doing (and he wasn’t at any point nasty to me – just leaving me to deal with just about everything including a house move while he was out spending all of our savings and his full wage is bad enough!). He needs to know what he’s doing and how it’s affecting you and that’s there’s consequences or his head will keep telling him “it’s fine, she’ll forget about it in a couple weeks” and this gives him an excuse to continue. My partner admitted to relapses in the last year and I supported him, and he had a few weeks of going to meetings then right back to the addiction because nothing had changed, he still had me and his home so in his head, why bother?
I have good and bad days. My partner is still out of our home (that we only moved into in December) and won’t be back for a while – if I ever feel comfortable having him back here. He’s made amazing progress, he’s is coming up to a month’s sobriety and is going to meetings everyday. He’s also got mental health working with him. He has put us through so much and that can’t be fixed in a few weeks of sobriety, though I know he’s desperate to come home. I fully believe if I didn’t boot him out and let him hit rock bottom he would never have pulled himself out of this. Sometimes I can see a light at the end of the tunnel for us, but at same time I’ve so much anger for what he’s done. Has your partner tried meetings or sought any help for what he’s doing?
Hi Wavy,
It’s so hard to know what to do especially when you’re with someone who has periods of sobriety and you start to think things might be okay. But for your partner to pack up and leave while blaming you for his addiction, it sounds like he’s got a very long way to go in recovery. You don’t deserve to be put through that and you can’t help him by enabling him to do what he likes by accepting him back home whenever he’s done with his binge. I would be telling him he’s not welcome back in the house until he can show you he’s serious about recovery and actually cares about what you’ve went through. Spend this time focusing on you. We spend all of our time doing what’s best for the addicts in our lives and can forget about what’s best for us. Young deserve better than this x
Hi Lielacat,
I’ve also had to separate from my partner due to him having slipped back into his cocaine addiction over the last year. I don’t know if it counts as a success story anymore, but when we first met in 2017 he had a huge cocaine addiction, with a much bigger usage than now, and I left him and never looked back for a year. He got himself sorted out on his own, and we got back together eventually and had 3 great years together. It is possible to recover but he needs to know what he’s lost and what he will lose if he continues to do what he does.
Unfortunately my partner started falling off the wagon last year when he started working closely with someone with a habit and he made excuses to himself for taking it – stress at work, unhappiness at home with my teenage daughter acting out, etc., and he’s ended up losing everything once again, including his job. He’s doing really well, at meetings every day, he’s brighter, happier already and it’s only been just over a month. He desperately wants to get back home but this time is for both of us to heal and we can’t do that while acting like nothing has happened.
It is possible for him to get better and for you to be happy again, but at the same time you are in a relationship with an addict and that threat is always there, that’s what I’ve realised. Over time mines forgot about his addiction, he didn’t prioritise his sobriety, and he slipped back into his old ways. If we are to survive this that can’t ever happen again.
I don’t know if this helps or is more of a gentle warning that while you can have a great relationship with an addict after their recovery, neither of you can ever forget about the addiction as there’s always that risk. I wish I could say otherwise.
Good luck to you and wishing your man a successful recovery xHi Loulou,
I am in a similar situation to you in that it’s not quite as simple to just leave my partner as we’ve taken on a new house in the last year and he’s now admitted relapsing several times after many years of sobriety. However, mines has fully admitted what he’s done, knows he has a problem, and is now at NA meetings every day along with support from mental health. I did ask him to leave the family home as us being around each other during this time doesn’t help, I certainly needed space and time to heal and he needs to feel the consequences of what he’s done and what he might lose. He’s now at his parents house and trying his very best.
It doesn’t sound like your partner has realised his issues and part of that might be that he hasn’t really had any consequences for his own actions. While I might send my partner support it’s not without reminding him of the trauma he’s caused his family and that we might never recover from this. He lied to us all to put his addiction first, he cost us thousands, and the stress he put me through is horrific. Addicts will continue to manipulate you until they can’t get away with it anymore, he needs to know that this isn’t acceptable and that he needs to change. He won’t get there without first accepting he has a problem and so you need to put in place boundaries and put your foot down. You really need to put yourself and your child first. It’s up to him to fix his problem but it’s not up to you to look after him while he does that if he’s not safe to be in the house – it might do you both good for a bit of space if it helps him realise what he’s doing.
Good luck x
Jaynielou,
If I were you I would get out now. From what you’re saying it sounds like you’re already trying to take control of his finances to help him get clean, and despite that he’s still throwing it back in your face and buying drugs at the first opportunity. He doesn’t admit he has a problem so there’s nothing anyone can really do for him until he does. You need to protect yourself and your own well-being.
You’ve only been with him such a short time for all this misery. It isn’t worth it. He needs to change himself and you need to look after you. I’ve been with an addict a lot longer and he’s now relapsed time after time in the last year, and because we’ve bought a house together in that time I’m somewhat trapped. If I were you, I would run and never look back.
Wishing you all the best x