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To Danman
I read so many of your posts when I was in the thick of it with my then husband and they helped so much to view from the other side .. although you haven’t been on for some time I really hope you are well and living and enjoying life .
x
Thanks for the reply Kulstar , that’s exactly what happened here too he became daily dependant and would pick up onroute to work after sitting alone all weekend when we slept just secretly using , then when he tried not to it would put him into a comatose state and barely went to work .. eventually he switched off to us all and like you describe became numb but also calculated and hurtful . Fast forward 5 years, everything about us abd our family fell apart and we are divorced but he’s still in denial his use is a problem and refuses to seek help , so much has happened since he has and still is so awful to me that I can’t even talk to him about our children barely . Courts had to be involved as using when taking kids – it’s just a car crash . I’ll never come to terms how that drug can alter a person so much so that you can’t even see the person you once loved ,
Kulstar – I don’t even need to say this but what an achievement for you . I’m so so glad you and your family have a happy ending – sending strength always for you all . I love to read the ones where it actually came good , makes me sad it’s so rare .
take care
I would ask at what exact point did the coke take over and he stop caring for me/us, our family ?. Then at least I could put a time to when the man I loved actually left me and I could put that part of our life we had to bed. The stuff that happened after that point has given me trauma , grief and no real closure , just one long nightmare that’s rolled on for years .
To you all , sending hugs and strength.
My now ex husband was my best friend and I loved him so much , had two beautiful children together and a good life but 4 years ago I don’t know how he got there , he started on the cocaine every day to function.
He eventually became a cold, non functional shell , who cared about no one but himself and disappeared for days in hotels binging and still days to this day he doesn’t have a problem with it . I had to leave him early last year as I was in a dark place with his lies and deceit and he was financially sinking us ,after I left he continued to abuse the coke and he overlapped it with the care of our kids on his visitation so after a very turbulent length time I stopped him seeing them and it went to court, in Retaliation he refused to sign the financial agreement for our divorce and took me to court for that also . He spent his business float and funds from sale of FMH on coke intentionally and gambling, prostitutes and living the life style nothing short of a local millionaire !. He’s now dragging me through court to get half of the house his kids and I live in even though he gave it to me in our initial agreement and claiming he’s broke because his business got into bother .His family do nothing but enable him and claim I’m wrong to kept the kids away and are claiming he’s clean when he says he is ?! but they say that’s him now and there’s nothing more they can do .. he isn’t clean it’s a small place we live and courts proved such why they think it’s ok for two under 7 yr olds are put at risk with him is beyond me .
my advice, if they don’t show signs of wanting to get help and sort themselves out , get yourself ( and kids if any ) out of there as fast as you can . Mine is a cold monster that I no longer recognise and every day I sit in disbelief at some point of my day as to how he thinks they using and looking after two small children is acceptable when under the influence and his attempt to financially ruin not just me but the kids after everything he put us through.I know as soon as eyes are off him at court I’ll more than likely be back to square one with the children and their safety terrifies me because he doesn’t see a problem driving on it , sleeping most of the days etc. Cocaine really is the devils dandruff . I’m gutted for each one of you because it’s nothing short of hell and I was never able to grieve losing him . stay strong , you can do this – but you have to think of number one and your babies if there are any . Loves xx
Hiya Lozzy ,
im so sorry to here about your health news , stay strong and I hope you recover very soon .
I hope for your sake to that maybe this is the wake up call for him . Please look after yourself – sending you a squeeze xxxxStay strong Lozzy – your building yourself together by the sounds of it and only you will know when you have got there .
i totally get the memories thing , I can’t handle looking at family pictures from the last few years when it was all happening and I was still in it. Sad thing is I will Look at his eyes in a pic and know now straight away where he was at – then I feel robbed of a false time and sad I was naive yet at that point I was so paranoid and constantly “on watch “ cause I wasn’t sure of the signs .
you will make memories again – but he may not be part of them. Sending hugs , take care xxNavy there is nothing wrong with you , this is unfortunately what happens – them and their addiction grindes you down 🙁 . Only you will know when enough is enough – keep talking though and most importantly look after yourself first everytime xxxx
Hi Lottier.
So he was seeing them but I withdrew contact a few months ago because he began to deteriorate whilst they were in his care .
Bit of an essay this sorry – so when I moved out my husband saw our children every weekend through mutual agreement in between the binges but this was all micro managed by me drug testing , assessing him on drop offs and picks ups it was intense and then when they were with him my constant thoughts were if they were safe and if he was managing.
I look back now and feel silly and used , I backed the weekly visits because although our relationship couldn’t be saved I thought him being around the children may give him the kick up the backside basically to get clean for good and be a proper daddy again ( I was enabling him basically ). For a few months this worked well and the kids were happy , he seemed committed although I knew he was using and cutting it off in time to have the children .
but gradually he became increasingly stand offish at drop offs , our eldest started telling me he was sleeping for half of the days whilst the children had to entertain themselves ( they are all under 7) , occasions I went to pick up and they were up but not dressed , fed and left to roam about the house whilst he slept like a zombie – obvs withdrawing . Then he started testing positive and being aggressive with me on multiple occasions . And then to the point that he would say no point testing as had been out so deliberate as he knew they were coming to him in less than 24 hours and I couldn’t plan anything for the kids or myself anymore .
family both mine and his were telling me he wasnt coping and questioning the arrangement , solicitors advised the same for safeguarding and following a couple of more serious incidents between me and him I stopped contact ( he can call whenever he wishes though ) .
I tried supervision with his family before I stopped visits completely – turns out they couldn’t be trusted and said he didn’t need testing if someone was with him and the children . I did not agree, the safety of our children is paramount and he cannot be trusted and sees no harm in driving them whilst high . So that ended there . I’ve told him he needs to raise through court and get access , he’s also advised he will go for 50/50 custody .
He now despises me as he said it’s uncalled for yet we can go a weeks at a time without hearing off him at all ?! , he has also began to be awkward in the divorce and won’t accept he has an issue at all – it’s me and everyone else against him ?! He told me last month in an honest lucid moment that he took the p1ss out of me letting him have the kids because he never thought I would stop him seeing them .One day hopefully somewhere in the future maybe he will be able to get sorted and understand my actions when he’s clean and functional . until that day I will continue to raise our children whether he’s around or not .ad I said he’s still constantly using or not functioning at all because of the withdrawal . So who knows what will happen .
Just becareful with your precious little girl- you do what you feels right by her and you ( not him ) cause you will feel guilty for the action he has forced you to take and he and others will pile pressure on you .. but she is your child and her safety and happiness is key – stay strong and stick with your gut xx
Hiya Navy ,
I remember chatting 🙂 ( I do at times go back to them posts just to give myself a wobble and remember the really dark times and what place I am in now).
Awh Navy , it’s just not right – a night out with friends should not end with you deserted and so upset .
Do people around you know about his addiction ? Do they support you ?.
The lies and the selfish behaviour just snowball the longer it went on I found ( I’m still dealing with this now even though apart and I don’t believe it will ever stop unless he realises one day it’s time to stop).
I know you will have commitments and reasons for staying so long but you have to do what’s best for you in this life because right now he isn’t the best .
Do you see him changing ? If you look into the future, can you take another x amount of years of this ?. Sending hugs cause it is so dam hard , hope today isn’t full of upset carried on from last night xxxHi Lottier ,
Don’t be disheartened you will get a job , I know it’s so hard and deflating but try to dig deep and know you’re heading for a better life .
I did that too in a supermarket, craved to have that again , the companionship- honestly felt like my partner had died and in his place was this unempathetic imposter , I can’t bare to think about them times as I was such a lost soul and so lonely it was physical pain .Mine hasn’t gone into recovery he just continues to ride the merry go round in his own life , telling people we fell out of love , or that I wouldn’t allow him to be the man he wanted to be ( I will never accept coke as a normal way of life ) as he once told me that it is . I concentrate on our children and make plans and memories as well as trying to do things for myself , I know now leaving him was the right thing to do as much as it hurt my heart .
I know it doesn’t seem it right now but you will start to get your life in order without them and I promise it will look and feel very different even in a few months time, like inner peace begins to wash over you .
Lozzy and Navy , hope the new year is treating you ok :/ how are you both ? .
it’s just awful , I still get blown away when I come on here reading similar stories , the same effects and behaviours it has on people and the same devastation to loved ones . if someone said to me 5 years ago that this was going to unfold like it has , I would laugh in total disbelief- I will never fully come to terms with it I don’t think, but I will live for my kids and me now everyday xxx
Lozzy, what a powerful letter . It’s so hard to let people in to this world of chaos ( I was embarrassed and brought down to being so frighteningly low ) but I hope work are fully supportive and you carry on grabbing all the help you can . Please take care of yourself x
<p style=”text-align: left;”>Hi Poppy ,</p>
this was also my experience. I have two small children aged 4 and 6. My husband always dabbled in it seems when he was younger ( only realised how much once it was too late ). Dec 2020 I found out he had been gambling , using 1-3 grams a day of coke and was sinking his business and our finances fast . He promised me for 18 months he was stopping doing it , he went to a rehab assessment once but never returned and then he began disappearing for days at a time (4/5) using in hotels spending money to stay away and just hold himself up this went on for about 9 months – whilst I tried to hold my job down and floundered running the house and bringing up the children . When he did return he would sleep all day and stopped going to work ( his own business too which was frightening as he was the bread winner Also). He stopped showing interest in our children , me everything that he once loved and enjoyed he lied and swerved to do what he was doing . Fast forward to Aug 22, I had to call it a day – for the sake of my kids, I reached a really dark place and knew I’d done all to help him . I felt too like I had abandoned him and sometimes the guilt washes over me intermittently , but I had to think of myself and our children .We sold the family home and I left with our kids.
more then a year later – within our 4 walls me and the children are now content and happy . But my now ex husband still hasn’t hit rock bottom yet . He’s in so much money trouble , sleeps still all day , but the lies and manipulation and volatile behaviour towards me is really bad – worse than ever before . I’ve tried to steer a safe relationship for him to see the children( I know how much he worshipped them before he started this path ) but he’s recently started to not care and use when he’s due to have them, tests positive and then turns aggressive so I have to keep them away and breaking their hearts at the time but I have to safeguard them .
Only you can decide poppy – but bottom line – it’s self preservation. Whatever you decide isn’t going to be easy , maybe one day he will admit he has a problem and sort it out . But for the sake of your sanity and children’s happiness please think carefully . Sending hugs and strength – cause it’s the merry go round of hell . Lots of love xHey Wavy,
my ex husband used to behave in the exact same way I’m sorry to say to you . After a while you just “ know”. Mine would swear on our children’s lives but all tell tale signs there – causing arguments to disappear for a few nights “ to clear his head” snotty nose , tired and then the days spent in bed . No interest in us or the family . The push on the test used to seal it for us – he refused because he was positive all day long .
mine made so many promises , told me what I wanted to hear . Went to rehab once but Fired it off. Mine will still say to this day he isn’t dependant on cocaine , he’s spent nearly everything he’s worked for , we sold the family home , split up and I have to drugs test him whenever he has our children , the rest of the time he sleeps all day and doesn’t go to work hardly ever .
it’s a sad existence, you need to take care of yourself in this chaos . Wishing you the best – follow your gut- cause 99.9% it’s spot on xx