[rabbito]

Not hijacking at all!

My partner has consistently blamed me for his cocaine use. It’s awful to hear about others experiences but in a way it’s reassuring to hear how similar they are to mine, it’s reminds me that I’m not to blame for this.

Not to say I have behaved perfectly! I am sure there are issues around codependency in relationships that I need to explore further. I want to avoid ever getting into this situation ever again and that means not putting up with this shit & walking away if someone can’t offer me the relationship I need.

[rabbito]

Finally walked away this morning.
Started the new year with lots of promises. Getting rid of phone and dealers number, stopping completely, keeping busy to try and stay on track. None of those things have happened. He may have made some effort to cut down but it’s been minimal. Still multiple all-nighters, come downs for days, moods, generally shady behaviour. I stayed with him for the last week. In some ways, I have come to expect the drugs at the weekends, he has some kind of ingrained belief that you have to stay up and party all night on a Friday or Saturday. Seeing him sniffing on a Wednesday afternoon after a country walk and a pub lunch was just the final straw. I’m not an addict so I know I’m never going to ‘get it’. But I am sure I don’t want that for my life. Anyway. I asked him and he lied to me. So, I walked. I love him so much and would be willing to support him if he took any tangible steps towards getting help and stopping. But he isn’t. So I am done and very much looking toward to weekend of being on my own, going to bed at 10pm and being extremely boring!

[rabbito]

That looks really helpful. Thanks guys – have had such a full-on weekend of it, totally exhausted and really appreciate the support.

[rabbito]

Thanks – I will look into those.

There are plenty of red flags. I don’t think physical violence is a risk. He is very good at staying calm and collected, I will then snap and get angry and shout. He then says it is me that is the problem. I don’t really have any comeback to that – I have shouted, lost my temper, stormed out. I know why, it’s because I reached the end of my tether. He then references my ‘outburst’ frequently for weeks afterwards as if we have concluded that I am the problem, not him and definitely not his drug use.

[rabbito]

Hey,

I’m so sorry – this sounds horrible for you. Definitely not ok to be using like that in the house with the children and especially not while being the sole carer for them. Do you have options to move out or to ask him to move out? You have every right to do this and are protecting you and your children. I know how hard that is to do though 🙁

[rabbito]

Thanks for replying Lozzy. I am constantly thinking about getting out of this relationship but can also completely see how easy it would be to watch a decade slip by. I agree, it’s those brief moments that things are good that give you some hope for what things could be like and make you want to hang on.

It is always helpful to hear someone say it’s not all in my head.

 

[rabbito]

Everything has been so awful for the last couple of weeks. One moment he is telling me he wants to marry me and have a baby with me. Next, he is accusing me of lying to him, flirting with other people, being cold and cruel. I can’t argue with him. He is so good at arguing that by the end, I am second-guessing myself. What am I staying for? This life is a rollercoaster. I don’t want this.

[rabbito]

Thanks for your reply. I know I need to get out. It’s helpful to hear that from people who get it.

[rabbito]

I know I need to leave. I honestly can’t explain why I don’t. I bring the subject up and by the end of the conversation I’m not even sure what I was trying to say. I end up feeling like I’m being unreasonable because he says I am not being patient or understanding enough. He also draws comparisons between coke and me taking anti-depressants. He said we both manage our mood in different ways, I just think my way is ok because it is prescribed. I was speechless. How is this the same thing? I’m not spending thousands of pounds on anti-depressants. It doesn’t change my character. It helps level my mood not send it spiralling. It helps my sleep, not disrupt it. I just felt like such an idiot by the end of the conversation. He told me he had done a week of minimal use and I stupidly got my hopes up. Then I arrive at his house and I see his dealer pull up outside his house and him run out to get his drugs. He had text me about 20 minutes before saying don’t rush over as he was still working. But that was obviously a lie. He just wanted to collect and take some drugs before I arrived. And like an absolute mug, I didn’t even say anything. I just pretended I hadn’t seen this happen because I didn’t want to upset him and have to deal with an argument about it. I am so frustrated, mainly with myself for putting up with this.

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