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So sorry to read this. I asked my ex partner to leave about 2 1/2 years ago. It was very difficult at first being on my own with two children but its the best thing i have ever done. I have driven myself crazy for 15yrs checking places for clues, looking through cracks in the doors to check if he was in shower listening at the door, i have done it all. The day i asked him to leave was heart breaking for me and his child (i was preg at the time with my second child). He couldn’t stop not for me or his kids. Three times he tried and three times he failed always had an excuse work, losing his dad. I supported him every step of the way and still it wasn’t good enough. I have been stolen from, had my jewellery pawned but i think the worst was the mind games n constant detective work it was exhausting. I would build myself up time n time again just for him to knock me back down. Today i feel so numb to him i am so angry for the person he has made me today. I put on a front n like you no one knew my pain. I am bitter and he cannot understand why i am this way. I feel sorry for the next man that comes into my life he has a huge wall to climb. Not that i am looking. I have my kids n love them to bits i am a lot happier then i have been in a long time, a massive weight has been lifted. My advice if he wont leave seek help see what your options are. Get your own place with the kids and concentrate on them and yourself. Chances are he isn’t going to change. Hope you and your kids will be ok x

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Wow. This is probably the best piece of writing to explain how a person of an addict feels, this was me two years ago until i finally realised nothing was going to change unless i changed it for me and my two beautiful kids. An 18 year relationship gone just like that. Today i feel bitter i am not the person i used to be and doubt i will ever trust another bloke again. I am cold and have massive barriers for another man to try and smash down. The thought of moving forward is scary as the man i leave behind is the only man i have known, but i know i cannot go backwards as i feel numb towards him. Kids think sun shines out of his backside but they do not know the truth. How do you explain that to a 8 and 2 yr old, answer is you dont. The relief of not having to spy through a key hole when he’s gone to the toilet or the panic that hes took too long at the shop or sleeping with your purse under the pillow. I just want a normal bloke who will put me n my kids first and will do anything to make us happy. I really hope he does exist and restores my faith in men. I just need to find him!!! Thank you for this its nice to know that I wasn’t crazy n paranoid like he made me believe, instead I was right. I tried, I failed but it wasn’t my fault.

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Hi sorry to hear your story.
I just wanted to say you have done the right thing for your grandchildren and that’s all that matters. You have saved them and should be proud of that. Hopefully your son will see and get the help he needs.

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Hi benji123

I am so sorry to hear about your situation i was in the exact position as you a couple of years ago. My ex partner has done two detox’s and failed both times and fact is you never gain back the trust and even when you think you start to gain a little trust back they just do it all over again to you. The trouble with addicts is that all they care about is themselves. I have sent myself crazy checking all over the house constantly living on edge if he took to long in bathroom or if he nipped to the shop and was gone too long. I have two young children by this man and we wasn’t enough for him to stop he has lost everything through this drug his family, car, job and house. He says all he wants is me and his kids but how can this be. I am now at the stage where i am slowly starting to hate him for what he has done to me i doubt i will ever trust another man again i feel like i am damaged goods. I gave him 19yrs of my life and two beautiful children. The addict has the choice the broken family doesn’t and the heroin always wins. The trust never comes back, you send yourself crazy or you get out. It is easier said then done when you have been with a person that long but no trust then no relationship. I found an excellent quote that said ” if you have to play detective in a relationship you know its time to move on” and that’s what you do become looking for clues all over. Good luck.
I am sorry if this is not what you wanted to hear but this is my truth.

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Hi kelly he’s still a tosser!!! no change there. He broke down on motorway on way back to his mums from work and expected me to drag two children out of house at 10pm to rescue him of course i told him where to go, but it was all my fault because he has to go to his mums, he’s still as selfish as ever. I just concentrate on kids don’t really speak to him about anything other then them.

Its so hard on the kids is’nt it my eldest thinks the sun shines out his back side which, annoys me but shes young and has’nt got a clue that i am protecting her by not having him here. His mum still text to say how much he loves me (yep his mum not him) i just don’t bother replying its a waste of time she will always see his side and thinks i am the evil one. I think if i did’nt have to see him then it would make life easier but he just turns up like a bad smell causes havoc for me stresses me out and leaves. I dunno love its like ground hog day. Anyway enough about that waste of oxygen. Have a fan dabby dosey crimbo hope santa brings you lots of presents. Hope your eldest will be ok i am sure she will be. keep intouch matey moo missed you too xx

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Hi kelly hope you and kiddies are well and hope your new man is well too. Just wanted to wish you and kids a happy christmas and all the best for 2015. Xxx

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I am ok at the minute everything pretty quiet this end just concentrating on christmas and kids. Hes still insisting that hes going to reduce hiself and get off methadone that way but not holding my breath because i might die by the time it takes him. Told him there is no relationship while ever hes taking that just cannot be arsed with it all to be honest. Anyway matey keep me informed about ya new fella. Speak soon x

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Oh my god!!!!! I am so happy for you i hope he makes your dreams come true the fact he doesn’t do drugs or drink is definitely half way there lol. Be happy matey you deserve it. Much love SK xx

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Hi love so nice to hear from you and yes the holidays kept me busy aswell eldest still not well this is the 10th day now, took her to doctors and just viral so have to sit it out, its the 10th day i have’nt had sleep and today i broke down i rang him and asked for his help and his words were ” just because you throw a fit doesn’t mean we are going to come running” even tho he said he would be here for 10.30. It was 12.30 before he and his mum got to house. I had to just walk out i was so angry how dare he say that to me when hes done what hes done i was so upset especially when day before he was trying to hug me and tell me how good a mum i am and how amazing i am for what i do, not that i need to hear it from him but hes like jeckyll and hyde one day nice the next a horrid twat.
I dunno the more he backs off the more i let go just need to face facts that he will always be a selfish self centred person who looks after number 1.
i am so sorry to hear bout your text its like they take pleasure in building you up just to knock you down. Keep strong my friend and thank you your words always help keep my spirits up take care xxx

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Hi Kelly hope your ok.
I am feeling low tonight sick of being on my own plus eldest been poorly think I am just exhausted to be honest. No change with shit head, I asked him to come over last night because I had them both crying wanting me and obviously I cannot split myself in two and he didn’t come when I needed him he let me down but then again I should really be used to it by now. Anyway hope all is good at your end xx

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I can seriously say I feel your pain. It never stops I am on year 15 not 100 percent sure because I have lost count now and it doesn’t get better the pain is just like the first time. Wouldn’t wish this life on anyone addicts are the most selfish people on this planet we are the victims. Take care xx

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Hi kelly hope your ok.
so had a visit today he came to tell me that hes not giving up on us (erm think he already did) and his new plan is to reduce hiself one mill at a time. Not sure what hes going to achieve because the end result will still be the same he wont be able to cope and just go straight back up or back on that shit. I dunno I see no end if I let him keep doing this its like you said it was make or break for me and he broke so nothing more I can say.

take care matey speak soon xx

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Ps you do deserve better, we both do just a case of finding someone n letting go of them. XX

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I cannot live my life like this anymore its like a nightmare I am in love with the person he used to be and fact that he looks the same does’nt help. I really just want to say its over but something is holding me back and I think its fear, that I will be on my own and that no one will want me and having to introduce the kids to a new man if it did ever happen. its just all swirling around my head. He said that he thought I fell out of love with him along time ago but thats not true I would’nt have had another child with him if I did’nt love him. Think its all to guilt trip me to be honest because its never their fault is it, he said he could’nt do what I asked go to work (bearing in mind hes only been doing 3 hrs for 3 days a week) phase return, but really he had to go back because he was’nt getting any money because his ssp ran out, its just all excuses and blame on me really ( selfish ) addict talk as usual. I dunno just feel really low at the minute the kids are only thing keeping me going. Just goes to show I was right to be suspicious.

I will speak to you soon take care xx

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So fear confirmed today kelly he told me hes back on methadone because he cannot cope, both him and his mother knew but both of them failed to tell me and the only reason he told me was because I forced him to due to a positive drug test for opiates. Hes asked me to love him for who he is and said I can’t love him that much if I don’t but fact is I did accept him, I accepted him for the last god knows how many years this way. Not sure how I feel just numb at the moment and betrayed by both of them I just feel so stupid once again thinking or trying to think that he is doing well when really he’d obviously failed and has been lying to me for the last few weeks. He promised that if he failed he would leave me alone to get on with my life and now he says hes never going to give up on us so either way I am trapped (maybe I want to be I dunno).

It was meant to be a fresh drug free life but dont think it will ever happen I am just kidding myself.

hope all is well at your end xx

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