Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
reece1234 – Pretend Friday, that pub, that dealer, that beer, that coke, etc., does not exist anymore. And, do one of your other days instead. Don’t do Fridays – ever again. You CAN do this – without Friday.
Hi Meeshka. So sorry that you are living this nightmare. It is traumatic to realize that the person that you trust the most is on drugs and lying about it. So scary. My story began the same as yours. We were together already for 10 years and to that point, my spouse only smoked pot. Then weird behavior and always gone. It would be years before I would know what was really happening. I should have gotten myself out of this situation all those years ago. I wasn’t safe and he was lying and abusive. You and your child are not safe either. He is lying to you and leaving dangerous substances within reach of your child. A hospital visit or worse if your child finds and ingests the drugs.
Happy NY, gtx4eva – You’ve already begun to stop, by realizing that you want to and need to stop. This is a huge beginning that some people never realize. Celebrate this part of your recovery, by doing something nice for yourself. Whatever that may be – just for you. A new book, a manicure, hot bath, new pair of shoes, bracelet, etc. I recommend something that you can look at through the day, that reminds you of how important this moment is – for you. Your new beginning.
Your obvious love for your children and concern for yourself will get you there. You can do this!
Hi Rachel. So sorry for the loss of your mother. I also wonder that. My mother died over 9 years ago. I love her, and hope she is in a good place. I always wanted good for her. We did not have any relationship for about 8 years before she died, then she became very ill and lingered for months. She wanted myself and my siblings to come to her bedside, but I couldn’t and didn’t. Another of my siblings also did not. I still feel that I made the right choice for myself. My mother was a mean drunk. She had her reasons for being miserable, but none of them seemed worth all that misery. My siblings and I survived her madness, but unfortunately the relationships that I have with my siblings have suffered. I guess there has to be some, (what is the word?) dysfunction when being raised during so much emotional distress on a daily basis. All my siblings and I are successful, but have struggled in many ways with our personal relationships between ourselves and our own families (I am married to an addict). But, I feel that I lost my mother years before she died. I had already lost and grieved her during those so difficult living years. It still surprises me that she lived as long as she did (78), as I expected her to drink herself to death years before. My she rest in peace, finally free from the grip of alcoholism.
NO. Is the answer to your question. Love is NOT enough. Get your baby and yourself away from him. Neither of you are safe.
Lmnop: He told me years later that I gave him an ultimatum. Either he quit using coke or we were done and I would figure out a way to get myself and our children away from him. I remember feeling that – but, I don’t remember saying it. I was devastated by his truth that he had been using coke. I felt all that you have mentioned. He also had these behaviors. He avoided me, didn’t want to talk to me, look at me, be with me – at all. He took off in our only car and was gone all the time. When he finally gave me that information – I went to his parents and told them. He was really mad about that, but too bad. If my son was trying to kill himself, I would want to know about it. What if he would have killed himself and they didn’t even get a chance to talk to him about it if they wanted to do that? Keeping his secret wasn’t helping him. It enabled him. We were about the ages that you are now. That was about 35 years ago. He quit that day. He has only used it twice since then. About 6 months later and again about 5 years ago. He did not relapse. But, there is always and still a chance that could happen.
Louise33: Awful you have deal with this. It is traumatic. I also miscarried when my husband was using this nasty drug that turned him into a weirdo. My advice is to get away from him and stay away from him. He has already showed you what he is capable of when you need him the most. It doesn’t make sense, and it never will. I wish I could tell you that it will get better, but it probably won’t.
Mary3 – Hope you’re in a better place now. Reading through old posts and found your story.
<p style=”text-align: left;”>abcdef – As difficult as it all IS, this is here with all of us. Which shows that we are all struggling our way through. Looking back on the years that my addict husband was using coke scares me so much – even now. It made him mentally ill. After about 5 years, I finally knew what was happening. He quit right then. I never could have guessed that he was on this vile stuff, and it still surprises me. I know now that I would have been safer if I would have gotten away from him during those years. You can’t save him. He has to do that. There is somethings that are beyond our control and we just have to accept that.. When we do, we are free again. Free to be ourselves. Free to live our lives the way we want.</p>
Cinderella: Awful what you are having to deal with because of your Prince’s drinking I have also been married a long time (almost 50 years). Since you haven’t left yet, maybe there is a way for you to disengage/detach/retreat from him and create a separate life for yourself while living there with him. Whatever that means for you, for example, involve yourself in activities that do not include him. Classes, groups, trips, gardening projects, etc. Separate rooms might also provide a better quality of life for you. Decorate and furnish your room(s) for you, the way you want.
There hasn’t been much in here about rehab. I’m curious if there are any success stories out there about rehab.
Hi Navy,
Feeling your frustration, and probably can’t answer your questions. Just wanted to respond to say that normal is replaced by a new normal, which oftentimes isn’t ‘normal’. This has been my experience. Accept what it is, because it doesn’t matter what you do or say.
Instead, remember who you are and what you want.
This has helped me when I’m really feeling stressed with all of it.
Though not intentional, comparing a coke addiction to a coffee addiction so grossly minimizes the absolute hell that my spouse and I experienced. I’m not even prepared to be able to give a comparison as I’m not sure that one even exists. The person that I knew and loved became someone that I didn’t even recognize. It all started with a wrong choice and a lie. The day he decided to use it and not tell me. Why? How could he? We were great before this day. He said that he was out of control. How so? He never smashed the car during those years, didn’t get arrested, managed to keep his job, and kept all the truths to himself. There is some self control going on there. He used, disappeared, lied, cheated, and stole. All takes choices, all takes steps to get there. To get to the person that I didn’t know and that I never would have chosen. It is traumatic and can’t be minimized.
Awful that are having to live this nightmare.
Figure out a plan to get away from him, because you (and your children) are not safe around him while he is actively using.I agree with Ahurtwife. Save your children and yourself and make a plan to get yourselves away from him. It is not possible to have a future with him while he is using and there is no guarantee that he will stay clean if he stops using. Your situation will most likely get worse while he continues to use.