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My experience is that he used coke causally for several years when it was available. He probably was not buying it for himself during this time, but would join in with other coworkers who were using and not thinking much of it during these random moments Then after increased and more frequent free sessions, he became overwhelmed with it. He never told me any of this. Just my observations of him, and remembering how he was. Then his behavior changed drastically – literally overnight. A real life horror story. It still scares me all these years years later. More so now, as I know more about what happened (his recollections and my memories) and all the information that is now available about this drug. Educate yourself about this drug, how it is made. What it actually is. This drug causes temporary/permanent mental illness and death. You don’t want it anywhere near your children.
Me telling my husband’s parents about his drug use was one of several things that happened before he quit using. He wasn’t happy about this, but so what. Secrets only enabled him. The whole thing for all the years before was his secret, from me, them, and anybody that really mattered. His parents didn’t get involved so much, it was just him knowing that they knew about it that caught his attention in his coked up head. I don’t believe that we really negotiated anything. And, I’m not convinced that negotiations with a coke user is even possible. It doesn’t really matter what you say or do. I told his parents for really only one reason, I was convinced that he was going to kill himself and I figured that they needed to know that before he did it. It was one of the decisions that I made on my own. To this day – I do not regret it. Trust your decisions, whatever they are. You need yourself to get though this kind of trauma. You will know what you need to do, when you need to do it, the answers just come to you. Most often when least expect it, like when you’re folding the laundry, cleaning the closet, working in the garden. You just know. And, if you should be wrong with one of your decisions, so what! You did the best that you could have in an impossible and drastic situation.
What would I do? Leave, and go where he can NEVER find me again – hopefully.
This is what this alcohol and drugs does – turns our loved ones into weirdos. You cannot fix this. Save yourself.
I will pray that you will put a plan in place and get away from him. If you don’t, you may never be happy or safe again.
My family; Awful that you have this situation. It’s so hard when children are involved. Right now, without further delay, seek some support for yourself and your baby. He has told you to move on without him, and you really need to. It will be easier on you and your child in the long run if you do. Try to find a group support for single mothers and even a Nar-Anon group. I found both through a local church years ago that helped me in so many ways. You can find so many resources in your area. You have it better than some here – that he has left. It is so difficult to have a relationship with an actively using addict. Not safe for you or your baby to be in that situation. It’s not a life you want. It’s much worse than being abandoned by someone that you love. The lies, disappearing, stealing, no financial stability, cheating, criminal behavior, and in some cases – violence, etc. The person that you thought that you loved, doesn’t exist anymore, because the drugs transform them into someone who doesn’t care anymore. Not about themselves, their spouses, their parents, even their own children. It is horrific to watch it happen – while you are looking right at them. So scary. A real life horror show. It is traumatic. Look at it for what it really is. You need to, and your child needs for you to. It’s the only way to a better life for you and your child. Many think that if the addict stops using – then all returns back to normal. Not entirely true. The addict has also traumatized themselves and in most cases have permanently damaged themselves mentally and even physically. Many continue for years with struggling through debilitating relapses, treatment, rehabs, and financial situations. Traumatizing for children brought up while this goes on through their lifetimes. Not many success stories in here, but you can make your story one of them. I pray that you will.
So scary and lonely. I remember. First of all, get resources from your family, church, neighborhood, etc, to take care and protect your children and yourself. Report him missing, so there are people looking for him. Do you have a family member or trusted friend who can come stay with you or you and your children can stay with? If and when he does show up, it might not be safe for you and your children to be around him. Looking back on my own situation, I would have changed the locks on the doors and not let him in until he was in recovery. You can’t fix him. You can’t save him. But you can save your children and yourself. Reach out to trusted sources now. Don’t wait any longer. You must prepare yourself and figure out a way to provide for your children and yourself. Awful that you have to go through this. Prayers.
Belle80: Yes, I think so. I’m thinking that I haven’t forgiven my husband either. He hid the coke addiction for about 5 years and it was about 35 years ago when he quit it. At that time, I decided that I wanted to give us a chance to see if we could leave it behind and be happy. We did and we have been happy. I never thought about it and we never talked about it. Until we did about five years ago and he confessed that he had cheated numerous times during those years. Added to all that he had put me through with it – I have been overwhelmed all over again. He has never been the way that he was during the coke years. I didn’t know that person. He was so different – all negatives. I just left it there. And, then it was in front of me again all the years later. I didn’t forgive him then, and I don’t think I can now. Not sure why. The betrayal is so great and it doesn’t make sense to me. I don’t understand any of it and I probably do not and never will know all of it. He has told me that he is embarrassed, ashamed, feels guilty, and remorseful. And, I believe that he is. But, we did leave it behind and found a way forward all those years ago. I believe that we can again.
reece1234 – Pretend Friday, that pub, that dealer, that beer, that coke, etc., does not exist anymore. And, do one of your other days instead. Don’t do Fridays – ever again. You CAN do this – without Friday.
Hi Meeshka. So sorry that you are living this nightmare. It is traumatic to realize that the person that you trust the most is on drugs and lying about it. So scary. My story began the same as yours. We were together already for 10 years and to that point, my spouse only smoked pot. Then weird behavior and always gone. It would be years before I would know what was really happening. I should have gotten myself out of this situation all those years ago. I wasn’t safe and he was lying and abusive. You and your child are not safe either. He is lying to you and leaving dangerous substances within reach of your child. A hospital visit or worse if your child finds and ingests the drugs.
Happy NY, gtx4eva – You’ve already begun to stop, by realizing that you want to and need to stop. This is a huge beginning that some people never realize. Celebrate this part of your recovery, by doing something nice for yourself. Whatever that may be – just for you. A new book, a manicure, hot bath, new pair of shoes, bracelet, etc. I recommend something that you can look at through the day, that reminds you of how important this moment is – for you. Your new beginning.
Your obvious love for your children and concern for yourself will get you there. You can do this!
Hi Rachel. So sorry for the loss of your mother. I also wonder that. My mother died over 9 years ago. I love her, and hope she is in a good place. I always wanted good for her. We did not have any relationship for about 8 years before she died, then she became very ill and lingered for months. She wanted myself and my siblings to come to her bedside, but I couldn’t and didn’t. Another of my siblings also did not. I still feel that I made the right choice for myself. My mother was a mean drunk. She had her reasons for being miserable, but none of them seemed worth all that misery. My siblings and I survived her madness, but unfortunately the relationships that I have with my siblings have suffered. I guess there has to be some, (what is the word?) dysfunction when being raised during so much emotional distress on a daily basis. All my siblings and I are successful, but have struggled in many ways with our personal relationships between ourselves and our own families (I am married to an addict). But, I feel that I lost my mother years before she died. I had already lost and grieved her during those so difficult living years. It still surprises me that she lived as long as she did (78), as I expected her to drink herself to death years before. My she rest in peace, finally free from the grip of alcoholism.
NO. Is the answer to your question. Love is NOT enough. Get your baby and yourself away from him. Neither of you are safe.
Lmnop: He told me years later that I gave him an ultimatum. Either he quit using coke or we were done and I would figure out a way to get myself and our children away from him. I remember feeling that – but, I don’t remember saying it. I was devastated by his truth that he had been using coke. I felt all that you have mentioned. He also had these behaviors. He avoided me, didn’t want to talk to me, look at me, be with me – at all. He took off in our only car and was gone all the time. When he finally gave me that information – I went to his parents and told them. He was really mad about that, but too bad. If my son was trying to kill himself, I would want to know about it. What if he would have killed himself and they didn’t even get a chance to talk to him about it if they wanted to do that? Keeping his secret wasn’t helping him. It enabled him. We were about the ages that you are now. That was about 35 years ago. He quit that day. He has only used it twice since then. About 6 months later and again about 5 years ago. He did not relapse. But, there is always and still a chance that could happen.
Louise33: Awful you have deal with this. It is traumatic. I also miscarried when my husband was using this nasty drug that turned him into a weirdo. My advice is to get away from him and stay away from him. He has already showed you what he is capable of when you need him the most. It doesn’t make sense, and it never will. I wish I could tell you that it will get better, but it probably won’t.
Mary3 – Hope you’re in a better place now. Reading through old posts and found your story.
<p style=”text-align: left;”>abcdef – As difficult as it all IS, this is here with all of us. Which shows that we are all struggling our way through. Looking back on the years that my addict husband was using coke scares me so much – even now. It made him mentally ill. After about 5 years, I finally knew what was happening. He quit right then. I never could have guessed that he was on this vile stuff, and it still surprises me. I know now that I would have been safer if I would have gotten away from him during those years. You can’t save him. He has to do that. There is somethings that are beyond our control and we just have to accept that.. When we do, we are free again. Free to be ourselves. Free to live our lives the way we want.</p>