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Pieter: Your post is heartbreaking. It’s awful what you have been through. You didn’t mention her name, so I’ll just call her She. She has her own situation going on that really doesn’t have anything to do with you and makes herself not really available for you. Try not to take it personally, she would probably be this way to anybody right now. The group support was a great idea and I hope you continue with it or try a new one. I’m gonna start with a new counselor next week. Some life events are just too overwhelming to get through without some help. People will fail you and let you down in your life. It happens to everybody, it happens from people that are closest to you that you would never expect. It is unrealistic to expect to go through your whole life and this to not happen. Unfortunately it is a part of life. Like your cat passing. When you are ready, maybe get another. I have two cats right now, but have lost four in the last 20 years. So sad when they pass, but I don’t regret having any of them. Sometimes life has to be just one moment at a time. Don’t look so far in the future. You found this place, which has been great for me. Hopefully it will be for you as well
What a mess! I so agree with all you just said (My mother was a mean drunk, who never apologized about anything). I’m surprised your brother-in-law (BIL) remembers his filthy behavior. What another miserable moment to put you through. With his wife, your sister, and his kids there! Awful!
Hi Helga:. This is a great place to be blunt. Sometimes it really does feel like it is all about them. Right? I don’t really know anything about rehab. Some here say rehab helped them and changed their lives for the better. Seems like it is a good thing that he wants to get better and is ACTUALLY doing something about it. Whether it helps or not. I can personally say that counseling has helped me through some difficult life events like those that you mentioned. There is something that is liberating about getting all those feelings out in the open (saying it out loud) with someone that you can trust. Someone that will not tell anyone else that you know. Also, I have experienced group support, which is also incredible therapy to be with people who are going through similar situations and they really do know how you feel. The trust part is hard. Especially when things that you should know about are hidden from you. The thing is – try not to take it personal. Your husband would most likely be the way he is no matter who he is married to. He struggles with stuff and reaches for a drink – and is realizing that this isn’t working out for him. While he is away you have a chance to have EVERYTHING your way. Make it all about you – for a change! There are probably many here who would love having that time for themselves. Me included. One thing I would do is redecorate our living room. He never lets me do anything in there. I would donate all that old furniture, paint the walls, rip out that old carpet, and make it all new in there! Any colors I want! Take a trip, start a garden, go to a show, go to counseling , get a makeover, adopt a new pet, take a class. ETC! Might be the best time you’ve had in a long time.
‘I’d do gear all day, and as soon as the time approached for her to come home I’d make up that I had been called to a job so I could leave and not see her and then wait until she had gone to bed to go home. Literally would sit in my car for hours on my own sniffing making up lie after lie as so why it was taking so long.’
Hi James: Hours and hours in yor car sniffing and drinking. What were you drinking and did you ever pick up anybody else and have them in the car with you while you were using in your car? Were you also falling asleep in your car while using? How far from your home were you while using in your car? Did you normally return to the same spot for this? Where did you hide your gear in the car? My addict also used in the car.ash2013: Hopefully you are doing okay. You haven’t posted in months and our stories are very similar in some respects. My husband began having different behaviors shortly after we became pregnant with our first child. I was so sick with the pregnancy, that I spent days in bed. Nausea and vomiting. Despite this, I was so happy to be pregnant after waiting for years to finally have a child. He began disappearing for hours everyday, irritable, mean, verbally abusive, no longer affectionate. One minute elated that I was pregnant, then suddenly scared and lonely. I couldn’t figure it out. What was happening to him. I thought about leaving as I suspected that he was cheating on me, but I was overwhelmed with pregnancy sickness and no resources. I believe that I am now suffering with PTSD.
My addict told me that I gave him an ultimatum – either he quit or I was leaving with our kids. The weird thing is that I don’t remember saying that – out loud. I remember feeling that and thinking about it to the point of even making a plan of how to get away from him. He did quit all those years ago, but I think it was more of a combination of several events that helped him do that.
My ultimatum after I finally confronted him after about 5 years what he was doing (coke – I didn’t know),
I told his parents,
his counselor that he was seeing died from a drug overdose,
his guilt/shame,
and probably he was just not wanting to do it anymore. It had run it’s course.
Keep quiting until you quit forever.
This is a better link, but there is a lot about it if you search it. This opioid addict who had NO history of violence, was found guilty on all charges. He will spend the rest of life in the penitentiary.
Awful what you and your family are having to endure. You can’t fix your brother, but you can save yourself. Recently I have been following the trial of a drug addicted lawyer in the USA, who murdered his innocent wife and son (Maggie and Paul Murdaugh) after stealing millions of dollars from his family and clients. Search the internet for Alex Murdaugh or try this link:
Hi JuliaA – In most cases, it will not matter what you say or do. This kind of thinking is co-dependent behavior. Nobody can control an addict. The drug changes their brain, changes their person, changes their behaviors, to the point that you will not even know them. They will become something else that will not care about the people that love them the most. Including their own infant children. Including their own self. Even if they quit this drug, they might never be who they were before.
Thank you James for your insight. I have a question. Why do you suppose some addicts will cheat on their partner – and some addicts will not and never cheat? While many of the behaviors and stories are so similar there is this difference. And, also many addicts will be verbally abusive who never were before the drugs, and some addicts will even be violent. Why are some addicts violent (who never were before) and some addicts who are never violent and could never be violent.
Thanks so much for sharing these videos James. I randomly go through old posts and I’m so glad that I came across this one of yours. Hope you’re doing well.
Scary and disturbing are also words to describe your experience, because of the violence from your addict. Awful what you are going through. Hugs. The drastic personality change is also what I experienced with my addict. It is not uncommon in these stories. It truly is a real life horror movie. This is trauma that takes time to recover from. Coming here is a good choice as we also have experienced this trauma. Nar-Anon group meetings helped me so much. I felt so isolated until then as I couldn’t talk about it with my family, friends, coworkers. One of the women that I met there ‘Jane’ had a crack addicted boyfriend. She had horrible experiences with him for over 20 years. One day her addict boyfriend went to a rehab across town and finally cleaned up. He met another women while at the rehab and quickly married her. Jane never even got an engagement ring after all those years waiting for him to clean up and propose to her. She wanted to have children with him. Jane is in her sixties now, never married, never had any children. Her addict actually blamed her for his addiction even though she never used any street drugs! She still talks about it all like it just happened yesterday. Hopefully you will continue to take care of yourself and find a healthy way through and past what has happened.
To the women who want to start a family with an addict – DON’T. It will be the loneliest and most scary time of your life. He won’t be there for you or your child in any capacity. You will be without resources to take care of your baby and yourself. He will most likely cheat on you and be surprisingly cruel. Read these stories. They are all similar stories. They are all real. Even if he quits the drugs, he still will never be the same person that you fell in love with. That person is gone. Release him with love. Grieve for your loss. Save yourself and your future children from this debilitating and life long heartbreak. And move on.
The shock and trauma of our addict’s behaviors is something that we have to settle in ourselves. Not for them – for us. Whether we stay with them – or not. The stories here are all very similar. The addict’s will do what they all do. What they have always done. It doesn’t matter who they are with, who their parents are, who their children are, who they are married to, who they are. We all want to feel that for us, they won’t ever do the awful things that they do – or did. This vile drug – cocaine will change the best of the best. It will devastate them and all who love them. When you realize that it doesn’t matter what you say or do. When you realize that. Only then can you figure out how to release them and move forward, to put your shock, pain, and trauma in a healthier place. So, there is a reasonable chance to heal and move forward. With or without them.
This (his addiction) is not your fault. You can’t control it. The only thing you can control is yourself. If I had known what was happening and what was going to happen before pregnant with our first – I wouldn’t be with him now. So weird to feel this after loving him since I met him when I was a teenager. What he has put me through with this I wouldn’t want for anyone. Our oldest stopped by last night and we talked about the fun we had all those years ago. And I feel like I have a victory over the cocaine as I am proud of the way I did live during those years. I was scared and lonely with my husband during his cocaine years (I didn’t know what was happening to him until he quit). He was awful. I still found a way to be happy anyways. I realized recently that I still can’t tell him how much money I have. In my purse, in my bank account, in my retirement account – anywhere. I still can’t trust him with this information. It’s not something I’m proud of. It is a consequence of his behavior all those years ago. A choice I made for myself at that time. To take care of myself. To take care of our children.