Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
Thanks, James:
Hopefully you’re doing great. I appreciate that you answered my questions. Curious now if you ever told your love the whole story of your addiction to coke. From the very beginning of it – through to now. Everything that happened with it. All of it. If you haven’t and she wanted to know – would you tell it to her? If you are not together with her now, but telling her everything – she would come back to you. Would you tell her your complete story? All. The entire truth?
SaoirseJS: Hugs. I have read your message here, numerous times. I was also pregnant and alone with our first child. We deserve our own website! Congratulations on the birth of your precious child, SaoirseJS. ❤️
pops88:
Sometimes it is difficult to decide who has it worst – him or me. My addict spouse has great remorse, shame, and regret for what he has put himself and all of us through.
James –
It is too scary to reconcile is my guess. She still loves you, but she has found a safe place. A place that she can trust. It is very difficult to understand and accept that a person can change so much on drugs. I wish I could know what that walk actually feels like, but the risk is to great to try to find out – cocaine addiction. So, I have to accept your truth, which is too scary to accept. Scary is the best word that I have to describe this. It scares me so much. What is he capable of while addicted to cocaine? Fear of what could have happened and didn’t, but still could. It’s not a judgement of my addict – it is fear. I knew him for years before – and then watched him become something awful while looking right at him. If that addict was me, then that is even more scary. Then I would want to find a safe place too, a place I could trust. So, I wish that for you. I don’t have any answers, just the perspective of being in love with an addict.
Hugs
I’ve been in love with my addict for almost 50 years. I want answers too Ahurtwife, but will I ever get all of them? I have more answers than I ever have had, but he still hasn’t given what I feel is the full story. Most of what I do know – he has told me. I am traumatized by the memories, and even mad that I am having to look at this again after all these years. Yes, I love him – I always have. That’s what I’m trying to tell you. No matter what decision you will make about this S_ _ _ _, it doesn’t change. You will still love him and the S_ _ _ _ will still be there. So, how do you make it better for yourself? Hell if I know. So, tonight I”m in our extra room, which has become my ‘sanctuary’. I can come in here lock the door, and look for some peace to settle my soul. The large window to the back lot offers a beautiful view of the evening sky. (He is sleeping in our bedroom down the hall.) I’ve been all in all these years, but he hasn’t. Why not? Because one moment ago – decades ago, he thought cocaine was a good idea. Should he get eternal damnation for that? No. Of course not. So, then why does it still feel so huge sometimes? I don’t know. Maybe it is supposed to. Maybe if it wasn’t this, it would be something else to torture our souls. None of any of it matters right now. I’m settling in to the view and feeling blessed that I have this spot here to calm myself and be thankful that we have made it through the worst and we’re both still here – together and apart at the same time.
Pieter: Your post is heartbreaking. It’s awful what you have been through. You didn’t mention her name, so I’ll just call her She. She has her own situation going on that really doesn’t have anything to do with you and makes herself not really available for you. Try not to take it personally, she would probably be this way to anybody right now. The group support was a great idea and I hope you continue with it or try a new one. I’m gonna start with a new counselor next week. Some life events are just too overwhelming to get through without some help. People will fail you and let you down in your life. It happens to everybody, it happens from people that are closest to you that you would never expect. It is unrealistic to expect to go through your whole life and this to not happen. Unfortunately it is a part of life. Like your cat passing. When you are ready, maybe get another. I have two cats right now, but have lost four in the last 20 years. So sad when they pass, but I don’t regret having any of them. Sometimes life has to be just one moment at a time. Don’t look so far in the future. You found this place, which has been great for me. Hopefully it will be for you as well
What a mess! I so agree with all you just said (My mother was a mean drunk, who never apologized about anything). I’m surprised your brother-in-law (BIL) remembers his filthy behavior. What another miserable moment to put you through. With his wife, your sister, and his kids there! Awful!
Hi Helga:. This is a great place to be blunt. Sometimes it really does feel like it is all about them. Right? I don’t really know anything about rehab. Some here say rehab helped them and changed their lives for the better. Seems like it is a good thing that he wants to get better and is ACTUALLY doing something about it. Whether it helps or not. I can personally say that counseling has helped me through some difficult life events like those that you mentioned. There is something that is liberating about getting all those feelings out in the open (saying it out loud) with someone that you can trust. Someone that will not tell anyone else that you know. Also, I have experienced group support, which is also incredible therapy to be with people who are going through similar situations and they really do know how you feel. The trust part is hard. Especially when things that you should know about are hidden from you. The thing is – try not to take it personal. Your husband would most likely be the way he is no matter who he is married to. He struggles with stuff and reaches for a drink – and is realizing that this isn’t working out for him. While he is away you have a chance to have EVERYTHING your way. Make it all about you – for a change! There are probably many here who would love having that time for themselves. Me included. One thing I would do is redecorate our living room. He never lets me do anything in there. I would donate all that old furniture, paint the walls, rip out that old carpet, and make it all new in there! Any colors I want! Take a trip, start a garden, go to a show, go to counseling , get a makeover, adopt a new pet, take a class. ETC! Might be the best time you’ve had in a long time.
‘I’d do gear all day, and as soon as the time approached for her to come home I’d make up that I had been called to a job so I could leave and not see her and then wait until she had gone to bed to go home. Literally would sit in my car for hours on my own sniffing making up lie after lie as so why it was taking so long.’
Hi James: Hours and hours in yor car sniffing and drinking. What were you drinking and did you ever pick up anybody else and have them in the car with you while you were using in your car? Were you also falling asleep in your car while using? How far from your home were you while using in your car? Did you normally return to the same spot for this? Where did you hide your gear in the car? My addict also used in the car.ash2013: Hopefully you are doing okay. You haven’t posted in months and our stories are very similar in some respects. My husband began having different behaviors shortly after we became pregnant with our first child. I was so sick with the pregnancy, that I spent days in bed. Nausea and vomiting. Despite this, I was so happy to be pregnant after waiting for years to finally have a child. He began disappearing for hours everyday, irritable, mean, verbally abusive, no longer affectionate. One minute elated that I was pregnant, then suddenly scared and lonely. I couldn’t figure it out. What was happening to him. I thought about leaving as I suspected that he was cheating on me, but I was overwhelmed with pregnancy sickness and no resources. I believe that I am now suffering with PTSD.
My addict told me that I gave him an ultimatum – either he quit or I was leaving with our kids. The weird thing is that I don’t remember saying that – out loud. I remember feeling that and thinking about it to the point of even making a plan of how to get away from him. He did quit all those years ago, but I think it was more of a combination of several events that helped him do that.
My ultimatum after I finally confronted him after about 5 years what he was doing (coke – I didn’t know),
I told his parents,
his counselor that he was seeing died from a drug overdose,
his guilt/shame,
and probably he was just not wanting to do it anymore. It had run it’s course.
Keep quiting until you quit forever.
This is a better link, but there is a lot about it if you search it. This opioid addict who had NO history of violence, was found guilty on all charges. He will spend the rest of life in the penitentiary.
Awful what you and your family are having to endure. You can’t fix your brother, but you can save yourself. Recently I have been following the trial of a drug addicted lawyer in the USA, who murdered his innocent wife and son (Maggie and Paul Murdaugh) after stealing millions of dollars from his family and clients. Search the internet for Alex Murdaugh or try this link:
Hi JuliaA – In most cases, it will not matter what you say or do. This kind of thinking is co-dependent behavior. Nobody can control an addict. The drug changes their brain, changes their person, changes their behaviors, to the point that you will not even know them. They will become something else that will not care about the people that love them the most. Including their own infant children. Including their own self. Even if they quit this drug, they might never be who they were before.