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Keep going Danman! You sound like a great dad and the house is keeping you busy
I always think there is the chance for a happy ending once someone has admitted they have a problem and agree to getting help.
That’s not to say there might not be difficulties along the way and it might take a lot of invested time and support but it’s not impossible.
Being honest, I wouldn’t necessarily say his reply means it’s the beginning of his recovery. You could tell him that you are willing to support him with going to his GP or to an alcohol service and see if he is ready for that?
If he is ready, you could move forward from there and then there is a light at the end of the tunnel
The only advice I would give you from experience with people who have mental health problems who take drugs is that the abuse of drugs and alcohol only make them worse. The moods, the aggression, the abuse all get worse if they aren’t ready to change or get help. I believe the person who emotionally (and eventually physically abused me) did love me but his idea of love was totally different to mine and it was a selfish love.
It sounds like he’s emotionally nasty to you and aggressive towards you and that is concerning, especially the fact that it has already or physical.
I agree with supporting someone who is trying to get themselves out of a rut but You might need to get away from the situation for your own safety and happiness if he isn’t willing to help himself.
It sounds like you have given everything you can and should. He is responsible for his own recovery, not you. As a friend living apart, you could still encourage him to see his GP.
All you can do at this point is take it Day by day. One day without it is a massive achievement.
Look for a drugs and alcohol service in your area and contact them. Keep communicating on here and good luck
Maybe the GP isn’t the best person to help him with this? Is there somewhere in the area that could help him to reduce around his work hours (pharmacies are open until late in a lot of places now, for instance)
I understand unfortunately. I am so sorry to read that you’re in this lonely situation, I know how isolating it can be. My health has deteriorated terribly since living with the stress and sadness of my partner being an addict. I have done all the shouting and screaming too. I have even thought about dying too. I think that is normal when the pain is too much.
He is under a drugs and alcohol service now and hasn’t had alcohol since last year, which wasn’t the ‘main’ problem anyway. He is on a replacement drug now but even though he tries to hide it I know he still wants the high and can sometimes get it from adding pain medication that he has. The way he acts and looks sometimes makes me hate him even though I’m trying to be supportive.
Talking to people about it helps, I have a couple of friends who listen. Also, I have contacted the charity Icarus (Googled it) and they have offered support for me.
I am out today (because I try to get out when I can) but I will try and message this evening if you reply to me.
Does he know he has a problem?
That sounds like a similar situation to me a couple of years ago. They really do have to realise how bad it is themselves and decide to speak to someone about it. My partner went to the GP for various things but I had to speak for him then he’d stop me anyway, also he went to one cbt session then refused to go back. it’s so frustrating and until it came to a head a year later when I felt it was the end of the line for us (not as blackmail towards him but I actually felt it and he knew that) I would have left but he seemed to decide a couple of months later to get help.
You can only keep trying to talk to him gently and encouraging him to do something about it. Hopefully he’ll realise for himself soon that he needs support.
You mentioned cheating, that’s something I have put up with in the past from other partners and I couldn’t deal with that again.
It’s all a balance in deciding which life is more detrimental for your children.
I have a teenage daughter myself and know what you mean! That must be so difficult for you.
Living with an addict, I understand how hard it is to feel so helpless, it sounds like you’re being as open and available as possible without judging her or being angry with her which is positive.
It sounds like she wants help so maybe you could look for an alternative alcohol service in London where she is That is better than the one she’s already been to. Some are better than others!
I wish you all the best and hope that you can get some help from someone who’s been in a similar situation
I have no experience of this I’m sorry but just wanted to ask if this has only started to become a problem since starting university? Maybe there could be a way of postponing her course to take any pressure off and deal with this problem first and foremost?
The CBT sounds like a good idea.
Hi Sophmum,
I can relate to how lonely this way of life can be, especially when you have children. Nobody thinks you’re lonely because your partner is with you but if you’re like me, you might feel like he’s there in body but not fully with you and ‘connected’ with you.
Also, have you told anyone you trust? That’s sometimes difficult because you may feel you’re betraying his trust.
I understand why you want to leave but if you do want to try and keep your family together, you could let him know what an impact this is having and tell him truthfully how you feel. You could offer to support him on a visit to the doctor and see how he responds?
Do you think working and being a dad has been hard for him to cope with? Or was he drinking like this beforehand?
I agree with the above reply. It sounds like he needs to get help for his drinking and that there are underlying issues. You can support him if you want to but you shouldn’t have to put up with being mentally and verbally abused by him or anybody. Take care
Megan 98 did you get any replies or help?
I’m so sorry to read that you’re feeling so desperate. It sounds like you have been through a very rough time after having your little boy and it sounds like you need post natal support and counselling, first and foremost. The codeine use is a symptom of that. There are some small steps you can take to move forward. A drugs & alcohol team, your GP and birth trauma specialists, I’ve mentioned all these below.
Becoming a parent is one of the most life changing and challenging things that can happen to us even with a healthy child. To me as an outsider it sounds like you have an infinite amount of love for your son and that is why you haven’t cared for yourself, that’s nothing to be ashamed of, that’s you trying to cope and putting him and worrying about him first before everything else. As for breast feeding, that’s a totally normal way to feel, 11 weeks is an achievement and once you’re in a more positive frame of mind, you’ll realise that.
The first thing you need to do is find a drugs and alcohol service in your area and ask them for support. Most of them are easy to find on google and phone to get an appointment. They’ve seen it all and are non-judgmental, they also don’t force you into anything you’re not ready for.
Are you on antidepressants (or ssri’s) as they are known? If not, you could talk to a GP about that. There are also specific counsellors now who discuss traumatic births with women who have suffered them. The maternity ward/ health visitor or midwife will be able to give you a number or search online for your area.
There are definitely a lot of small steps you can take. There are reasons you have reached this point and none of them are anything to be ashamed of. Well done for reaching out on here x
Thank you so much for your reply. Everything you say runs true with me and that is both sad and comforting! Since I have told my friends and family he feels embarrassed about seeing them. They are so caring and feel sorry for him rather than judge him but he thinks everyone judges him, he also has crippling social anxiety which isn’t helped by not being able to sedate himself. I didn’t realise for a good while that he was sedating himself to be able to turn up to family situations. I told his parents ages ago that there was a problem but they didn’t know the severity of it until he started going to meetings and admitted it himself. His siblings still do not know that it’s got to the point it has. I don’t feel it’s my place to tell them and he won’t until he has to.
It sounds really helpful that you’ve been able to go to a family support group. I haven’t found any but I might contact his service this week and ask specifically where I could go.
I’m pleased that your husband is home and agreeing that you can try again. I wish you both all the best.
Do you sometimes feel like you wonder at what point you will snap and not be able to deal with it anymore? T
Having been in a relationship with an addict for years, it’s now too painful and difficult to leave due to love, loyalty, children and shared assets. I also don’t want to add to his burden, therefore my advice may sound harsh but if you can leave then this might be the best time to do it.
You deserve a good relationship and if the first year has been like this, then what are later years going to be like? It doesn’t mean you can’t point him in the direction of help at a local support centre if he wants it. Take care and I apologise if this sounds harsh.