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Hi Aldritt,
So sorry for you and the situation that you’re in. I do understand as my late husband was an alcoholic. It was like living in the eye of the storm, I had to leave with my son eventually, after 5 years of trying everything to help him.
It’s selfish, addictive behaviour and you’re right she is a Mum….. but she’s not being their Mum is she? You are doing everything you can. You need to leave with your children, as you say before they are old enough to understand what is going on and they become damaged by her behaviour. You also must take care of yourself so that you can continue to be a good Father to them. Thank goodness that they have a good man like you.
My advice is; tell your family and friends what is going on ( it’s her shame, not yours ), make plans to split up, this will mean selling the house if you own it, giving notice on a lease on a rented property. If you are in a council property then I don’t know but there must be some way that you can tell the authorities what’s going on and get re-housed. Whatever it is, there is a way and you can do it. She won’t change I’m afraid.
You have to think of your children and your own well being. You all deserve better than this, she will have to fend for herself. Come on……having weed delivered by post to the family home with your children there! In what universe is this ok??? Keep a diary of her behaviour, how much she is smoking and when. Also list everything that you are doing and what she is not doing. You will have to go for custody.
I admire you as you think that you’ve been doing the right thing up until now, keeping it all together, by doing everything whilst she bales out of any responsibility, but the right thing to do is to leave and protect your children and yourself from this toxic environment. When you separate, it sounds like she will have to have supervised access only if she is not capable of looking after the children.
Wishing you great strength and courage. There is a better life, after this mayhem.
Hi All,
Two things:
Realise that none of this is your fault. If they are abusive to you, that’s the drink talking, not the person.
Leave, any way you can get away do it, before they destroy you. Every adult is responsible for their own lives, they do not have the right to destroy the lives of others, especially disguised as love. It’s not love, it’s toxic.
Find the strength to leave, you deserve a peaceful future. Good luck. xxx
Dear Myownlife,
I understand what you’re going through as my late husband was an alcoholic, it was devastating.
You are nearly there, nearly free. Just because he has driven himself into this, the alcoholism and now the cardiac problems, this is not your fault. You know this, your grown up children know this. You are not heartless, I can’t believe that you have suffered with him for 30 years, you say that the last 5 years have been worse and it will only get worse. As you say, you have tried everything and cannot fix him, you deserve to live a happy life of your own and that means leaving and living somewhere else. You sound like a strong and together person and that is why he has been draining your energy all these years.
Other people will understand if you explain all the facts and the full situation. Don’t be afraid to speak out, tell the truth about what has really been going on and don’t be ashamed, it’s his problem not yours. What ever happens to him, happens and that’s up to him to control.
Wishing you all the strength in the world and good luck!
Dear Kym,
Very sorry for you as I know what it’s like living with an alcoholic, as I did with my late husband.
You have done the right thing, you have moved out and you have to think of yourself. Although he has never hurt you, he has still smashed things in your home and this drinking to excess is going to only get progressively worse. I suspect that you’re not telling the full horror of the situation and it’s no way to live. If you are worried about him looking after himself, he is not a child, he’s an adult and you cannot be a carer. Take care of yourself, before he destroys you.
I’m sure that you love him as I loved my late husband, but nothing is going to change……….It sounds like you don’t have children together, so that’s a relief. Leave him to his sorry ways, I’m sure that your Daughter will be relieved that you’ve had the strength to see it for what it is and leave him.
I’m routing for you, that’s for you….your innocent life, not his. Don’t go back! xxx
Hi Abbeca1,
I agree with thistim3, you cannot bring up a child in this environment. Don’t let him normalise this, it’s not safe for you and definitely not for your child.
Please remove yourself and your child from this relationship before it’s too late. In another year your child will start to understand too much and could be permanently damaged.
Yes you love him, but it’s not going to get better, only worse ( believe me I speak from experience, my late husband was an alcoholic and it got progressively worse, I had to leave with my Son ).
Think about it, the fact that you are sending out a message on this site is enough to tell you that this is a serious problem. Get out of it!
Wishing you all the strength in the world, think of your little girl, she does not deserve to be damaged by his behaviour.
Hi there,
I feel so sorry for you, you are surrounded by horrors. You are sensible enough to realise that you don’t want this lifestyle. I suspect that you have only lightly touched on what you go through living with your Parents. As a widow of an alcoholic, I know how bad things can get.
My advice is this: You are 32 years old, don’t waste anymore of your life being wrapped up with their problems. The effect that it has already had on you, must be devastating. You need to find a way to leave and live somewhere else.
I know that you say you can’t afford it, but there has to be a way??? Think hard………can you move in with a friend? Share a place with a friend? Get a job where you have accommodation included. I don’t know much about council housing but you could try and apply for a flat, as you are in distress….Do you have any family members that you could live with who are not drinkers?
Get out, save yourself, get as far away from all of them as possible. My hopes and prayers are with you.
Good luck.
Hi LS,
I relate to your situation so much, although I’m a survivor of my situation. My late husband was an alcoholic and eventually I left just before my Son was 5 ( he’s now 17 ), my husband died. He didn’t die because we left, we left because he was an alcoholic. I was so scared that he would take him, ( my Son ), pick him up in a drunken state when he was a baby. I remember him holding my Son, whilst trying to cook with a frying pan, swaying back and forth over a cooker, I was petrified! Another time he held him whilst trying to cross the road at night, he could barely stand himself, swaying about. I still have PTSD from these incidents.
I got away though, I had to leave, I had to take my 4 year old away for his own protection and for my own sake, so that I could be ok to look after my Son. I relate to the addict being vulnerable whilst drunk and being abused and taken advantage of.
You need to end the relationship, he’s unfit to be a Father, please don’t feel guilty, on the contrary you must do the right thing for you and your child.
Wishing you all the best of luck, health and happiness for the future.xxx
p.s. Do not be phased by custody threats from him. He’s incapable of getting through 1 day sober, he has no grounds to be a responsible Parent, he’s given up that right.
Hi anon2023,
I’m a survivor, my late husband was an alcoholic, the father of my son ( now 17 ), we had to flee the family home.
My advice is this; the drinker is responsible for themselves, shame on your Father, for drinking to much and not being there for you. Shame on your Mother, for making you and your poor local Brother into carers. THIS IS NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY!! Your Mother should be your Mother in a care giving role, you are the Daughter.
Do not feel guilty or hopeless, live your life, happily. Your Mother has no right to ruin it!!!! The same for your middle Brother, please advise him, live your own life, leave your Mother to her own ruin. How dare her, not be a Parent to you both!!
wishing you all the freedom from these crazy addicts and a long and happy life and future. xxxx
Dear You,
So sorry for you, really so so sorry. My late husband was an alcoholic, I had to take my son and flee the family home after 5 years of trying to help him.
The only solution to this is to leave, you can’t be destroyed with him. I know it’s worrying, but it will be much better than the situation that you’re in. He is an adult and must be responsible for himself. You have to think of yourself, your own mental health and that in order to look after your children, you must be ok. Think of the children ( he is not! ) and leave this situation.
Drinking in the morning, is advanced stages of alcoholism, this could never be classed as normal. The longer you stay, the longer it’s affecting your children. I hope that you find the strength to get out!! Now!!
Wishing you all the best and luck for the future. xxx
Hi there,
I’m afraid that your partner has a serious problem and is heading towards advanced stages of alcoholism. I suspect that there is a lot of horror that you’re not mentioning.
I would advise you to leave and make your own future. Are you away a lot and this is the only reason that it’s lasted this long?
Very good luck for the future.
Dear bereaved partner.
I do understand, my late husband was an alcoholic and I went through 5 years of hell trying to help him.
You did nothing wrong, I’m sorry that you received all this abuse whilst trying to help someone from a destruction of their own making. I’ve been there….
Do not blame yourself, she did it to herself. It is so true when you say that you have the feeling that you were worth less than a bottle to her. I too felt this, that my beautiful Son and I, were worth less than a drink to my late husband.
I am 11 years on from his death and it took years to find forgiveness for him, for the pain that he put me through. But I know that the alcoholic that he became, took over the person that he actually was, and the person that I originally fell in love with. It was as if he had been possessed by the devil, I felt like I was fighting the devil for his soul.
Do not question yourself over whether you had stayed, if she would still be alive. Alive for what? For more endless suffering, wrestling within the throws of alcoholism. You were not responsible for her or her choices, she was not a child.
I hope that you can peacefully go forward with your life and find a new normal partner ( I have ). I wish you all the happiness in the world. Your ex made very bad choices in life, that was not your fault.
Hi there,
My heart goes out to you. My late husband and the father of my son was an alcoholic.
My advice is this; I understand how devasting this is to live with and how it’s destroying your life. You are an honourable individual who is training to be a Nurse. You cannot cure your Mother, she has chosen to destroy herself without any regard for you and instead of her looking out for you, you have the burden of constantly worrying about her well being and the dangerous and vulnerable situations, that due to her drinking she is putting herself in.
Written, it never sounds as bad as it actually is, but I lived it, so I know. You mention the wetting herself, the unspeakable. But this is typical behaviour of an alcoholic. She is nasty and aggressive to you when drunk and I can imagine seldom remorseful.
As soon as you are able, leave and do not live with your Mother, she is the one who should be obligated to look out for / look after you! Not the other way around. Go forward with your life as far away as possible from her. She is a millstone around your neck and you are a good person, trying to do good in the world. Goodness knows your job is challenging enough, without the daily stress of worrying about her. Lead your own life, detach from her. The alcoholic will cling on to people and disguise this as love. They only love the bottle. Do not let her do this to you. You must naturally be a compassionate person, but give your compassion to others, not an addict that can’t be helped. Live your life, enjoy your life. I wish you all the luck and love in the world. xxxx
Dear Turncreative,
I feel so so sorry for you as I understand your desperate situation so well. I was married to an alcoholic who eventually died from this in 2012. My Son was only 5 at the time that we left, he’s now 16 and luckily unscathed by it all. I won’t go on about what happened to me, but I’m a survivor so I know what it’s like. I tried to help my husband for 5 years. Nothing worked….The drinking got progressively worse over time.
I had to flee the family home with my child and rent a flat ( are you able to do this? ). I would strongly advise you not to leave the children there with her. You say that they are teens but I get the impression that they are younger teens, even so don’t under estimate the affect that your wife’s drinking is having on them. The longer they stay with her, the more damage is being done. It’s also important that you show them that this is not a way to live a life and that you abhor it and strongly object to your wife’s life style.
You say that you could move to your Dad’s, could you take your children as well? Even if you’re cramped you will be safe. This action will show that you are the responsible Parent. You must start recording all events in your diary. Times and descriptions of her drunken behaviour as evidence to support you in the future. Drunks are very good at blaming everyone else and she will very likely make you out to be the bad one. Has she ever been in rehab? If yes then keep all records and correspondence related to this. Film her when drunk and angry if you can, if your children are old enough maybe they can help with this. Your children are old enough to be believed as well, so encourage them to tell the truth about the chaos your wife is causing in your home. The alcoholic will also try to chain people to them with love, even though this is their dependancy…not love. Make your children aware of this of how they could be manipulated.
See a Solicitor and start divorce proceedings. Then you will need to sell the house ( if you own it ) as part of the divorce settlement. If you rent then this is much easier, as part of it will be that you have to give notice on your Tenancy etc. She will need to re-locate ( this could take time if like my late husband, he almost tried to squat in the house, he had to leave eventually, and our house was sold). Remember your children are your allies, they will support you.
Remember even if you still love your wife, no one has a right to destroy other people with their selfish behaviour. I described it as like wearing a lead overcoat, I was chained to him and I had to take off the coat for mine and my Son’s survival. Your wife is responsible for herself, don’t feel guilty, find the strength and leave!! Once you start it will happen. Be prepared that she will still have a right to see the children, but make sure that this is never unsupervised ( this is very stressful as well ). I managed to avoid going down the access centre route, as I didn’t want this for my Son, so this means that someone sober and responsible needs to be with her when she sees them. At least they are not young children…in a few years they will be much more independent.
I am wishing you all the luck in the world! Hold on to the fact that there is a future for all of you away from her. I am now happy with a normal partner and you will have that in the future to.
I understand the shame of having a partner with alcoholism and that you may feel that people might think that you are guilty by association, therefore you hide it and cover up for her. Don’t do this anymore. Speak to people, everyone about it, inform the School if they don’t know already and just be honest about what’s happening to everyone, especially anyone from your own family who can support you.
Very, very good luck. Find the strength…….You and your children will survive!!
Dear Courageous Ladies,
These are desperate situations that I fully understand, having been there in the past myself.
This is not about my story though, but how through my experience I could possibly help you.
You see for me, the stories are slightly different but also the same…..the Addicts are creating their chaos into the lives of others. Making you all ill whilst you’re just trying to do the right thing and protect your children.
Alcoholism goes from heavy drinking to progressively worse and worse drinking, to life threatening drinking which puts them by their own fault in harm’s way. Such as falling off a roof!!! Surely this is extreme enough for you to realise and go.
This is my advice; It won’t get better, it will only get worse. At the expense of your health ( the sane people ), which you don’t deserve. Remember even if your children love their father, what is this showing them? That it’s ok to behave like this? Show them that it’s definitely not ok to destroy other people’s lives and health.
You must LEAVE, any way you can. Lizzie so proud of you for doing this….don’t ever go back to it. He must take responsibility for himself. Ladies you are not responsible!!!!
To be healthy and not constantly living in a storm of anxiety is a basic human need. No one has the right to do this to another human being and their own children. You owe it to your children for them to grow up in a safer environment.
Gather the strength and LEAVE, LEAVE, LEAVE. Sending love and best wishes to you.xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Hi All of you. I’m afraid that I know only too well all the situations that you are describing. My late husband died in 2012, he was an alcoholic. We all tried everything to make him stop, for 5 years I tried to help him…his family tried to help him. He was in re-hab ( very expensive ) 3 times for a month at a time……nothing worked…
I left him in 2010 with my son who was 5 at the time ( now 16 ), to save myself and my son from this evil…..
I knew that I had to leave for the sake of my own health and in turn for the sake of my son so that I could continue to be a good Mum to him.
My advice is this; you are not obligated by marriage or in sharing children…to look after someone who cannot take responsibility for themselves…..especially if the burden is killing you. I used to say, being in love with my husband was like wearing a lead coat,anchored to the bottom of the sea and because I was wearing that coat he was dragging me down to my death too. I had to have the courage to take off that coat….and for my son, to remove him from the situation before he became aware of it….
I’m really hoping that you can take a birds eye view of your situation from within the eye of the storm and any which way….leave and take your children with you.
From a survivor of this!
My heart goes out to you all.xxxxx