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Hi mate,
Hope you’re okay.
You’re in a real tight stop man aren’t you.
Ill start with letting you know that in my story I was the addict. The reason I post and reply to people like yourself on here is to hopefully equipt people with the knowledge I have from being a full blown cocaine addict who struggled to try hold together a relationship and normal life etc so that you can help your partner’s get sober and back to the people you love.
I’ll start with the assumption that this isn’t something new. Obviously I can’t tell you for sure but chances are her addiction has been present at some level for the entire time.
Because she has always managed to mostly keep it from you and still function, have a decent job, make money, function and keep it from you. Over the years her brain has been wired to tell herself there’s nothing wrong with what she is doing. She’s not a down and out right? So she thinks whats the problem. This is because she isn’t thinking straight.
Cocaine addiction has many harmful traits but one of the worst is how it alienates a person. Rewires their brain, makes them do and say thing they would never dream of. I bet the person your partner is deep down would never dream of doing a nose Infront of her kid but those rational moral things completely go out of the window when the addiction takes over.
I always say that there’s 2 parts to the addiction. The part that is that the person just genuinely enjoys the effect of the drug. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t absolutely love how cocaine made me feel (at times) but then there is the side that is the darker more innocent side. This side is the side that where a good person who never set out to be an addict or who never realised the carnage and destruction that this stuff will bring but unknowingly is slipping further and further into addiction.
Not always but in most cases, when a person takes recriational use over the line to addiction it is because there is a pain that the person is using the substance to mask.
I know it’s easy to say but speak to her, ask her honestly why she uses, hlnot just because it’s okay and she wants to but really why. Tell her that you will support her and make sure you do but let her know that if she doesn’t change then she will lose you and her family. Right now she hasn’t lost anything because of it. You may get mad but you eventually forgive her. There needs to be clear boundaries that if she doesn’t at least try to stop and get help then you will not keep allowing her to act this way.
I would be certain to promise you she already is wanting to stop. The amount of energy it takes daily to hide something like this is exhausting.
But through fear of what will happen when coming clean it is easier just to carry on and just get by day by day.
She’s lucky to have you mate you clearly love her.
Be strong and try your best to understand she is not a bad person, she is suffering from an illness.
Always here if you want to talk or ask me anything.
Take care.
James x
Hi mate I hope you’re okay.
Forgive me if anything I say comes across rude.
I’d ask you to read back your post and imagine it’s one of your friends who posted it, not yourself.
You’re a 28 year old woman, who typically should be looking for a partner who offers security, love, companionship. It seems like this guy probably thinks his luck is in.
You have a place he can go, you don’t kick off at him of give him too much greif and he is open about his dealing and even pressuring you into parting with money.
Get away from that kid and find yourself a man. I don’t mean that even by age I mean find someone who is going to offer you the same amount of love effort and support in a relationship as you give them.
I spend alot of time sticking up for addicts on here because alot of addicts are decent people who have alot to give but have unfortunately become gripped by a substance. They deserve support. People like this lad you’re describing do not.
Look after yourself and put your happiness first.
I know it isn’t easy acting on things like this but you know deep down its the right thing to do
Sending strength
James x
Hey bro, silly question but how are you doing?
I came on just for a browes but couldn’t not reply to you.
If any of my pals read your post they would assume it was me who wrote it and used your user name.
I’m 30, had my own business etc and obviously it isn’t just us it’s such a common thing.
I remember sticking in 10 or 20 for some pub grub with the boys years ago and it was all fun and games.
Unfortunately I, like yourself are one of the unlucky few who end up in the grips of something that seems so glamorous but in truth, destroys lives and everyone around it.
I won’t go into my story too much bud, feel free to click on my profile and have a read but what I do want to say to you is that you have done a good thing by ending up on this forum.
Theres a few of us on here who all try to support eachother and also give insight to the partners of addicts.
Obviously there’s alot of questions I’d want to ask to understand better your situation.
Do you have a partner? Do you live together? Because that’s a whole other set of issues.
Do you and your pals still all go out and get on it etc? I’d assume so. Do they know that youre bad or is it like a bit of a joke like it was for me, like Jesus Christ bro I got a half what do you need a 3.5 for we only going spoons for a couple!
Obviously the money is going to effect things but like you I know having a business really helps hiding what you spend.
Is it effecting your work/business?
I know this response won’t be much help bud but please reply and we can get into it a bit better.
I’m no Saint man, I was going a 3.5 a day Monday to Friday every week so like you 1k a week.
I lost everything but now I try to come here and give honest advice to fellas who are in the position I was so i can hopefully stop them before it gets to the point of losing everything like I did.
Stay strong man. There’s a life out there waiting for you where all of the problems from packet don’t exist. You just have to work for it.
Speak soon bro
James x
Hi Navy I hope you are okay.
I’m sorry you are going through this but I really respect that you express that you still love him etc.
I was the addict in my story so I’m able to kind of give the other side of the coin advice.
No one ever decides one day to become and addict. No one ever sets out to hurt their loved ones and when your husband tells you he loves you and you are his world I don’t doubt for a second that it’s the truth.
I loved my partner with every once of my being through my darkest days of addiction. Despite all the lies I told to her the things I did I honestly loved her as much as I ever did. It’s hard to understand for some people how addiction takes control of a person, you say and do things that in a sober state you would never dream of and you do them without a seconds thought. It really is like the addiction is in the driving seat. your body has been hijacked and you are not in control.
It’s important to understand that addiction is an illness. Alot of people in your position would take the view that an addict just doesn’t care about them because why would they lie and continue to take drugs but if it was that simple then addiction wouldn’t be a thing in this world. Some people get angry and see it as the addict being selfish. Thinking that they know how much it effects their financial position, their family life, work life but still as long as they get their fix that’s all they care about.
I’ll tell you, I spent hours off my face, in tears longing for a way to break free. A way to be the man I once was and the man my partner deserved but somehow I would still the very next day get on it again.
There is almost always a deep routed reason why someone turns to a substance in the first place.
I don’t mean just recreational every now and then with friends at the pub. That doesn’t need any more reason than it’s fun because honestly at the beginning it is the best thing in the world.
But to take it over that line where its using alone at home, using when you know you shouldn’t be. There is something that the cocaine or drugs is being used to help with. At the end of the day it’s a drug no different in many ways to a drug you would be prescribed.
For me cocaine made me emotionless. It blocked out the ability for me to feel emotions and when I lost my mum at the age of 27, and I was self employed and needed to literally just go back to work the next day, I started to use cocaine because I found myself breaking down at work unable to get anything done due to my greif. As soon as I took cocaine I was able to carry on as if nothing had every happend.
That took my use from every know and then with friends at the pub to every day.
Within a year of her passing my dad did and of course I already was using daily so I just cracked on as if I was okay. Deep down I was broken both emotionally and financially. My partner knew and just looked at it as disrespect to her. Thought it was me just wanting to take drugs to be a “lad” thought it was me being a low life. But as long as the bills where paid she was happy to a degree. That in turn led to a life of constant arguements and carrying already so much hurt I couldn’t stop using cocaine because if I did even for a few days the reality of life would hit so hard I wouldn’t be able to function.
I guess what I’m saying is, talk to him, but more importantly listen. Offer him understanding. And I hope that the man you love will come back to you.
On the flip side however. If he is not willing to change and despite your support gets further and further into addiction l. At some point you have to draw a line to safe guard yourself but please know this.
If someone has mental health issues. You don’t kick them to the curb. If someone has depression or anxiety or a ln eating disorder you don’t kick them to the curb so please don’t treat someone struggling with addiction that way.
Love is the cure for addiction.
Stay strong
James x
Hi mate, I hope you’re okay.
This is a horrible situation you’re dealing with and I know how hard it must be for you after so long together all of a sudden not recognising him.
What’s bizarre is that you say he’s been only using for the last 6 months after the early years etc.
Have you asked him outright why he is using coke? What’s changed to make him want to use it because I can assure you that it isn’t enjoyable when it’s at the point you’re lying to your partner and it’s affecting your relationship. Where is he using can I ask? Is he doing it openly so that you know or is it a cat and mouse situation?
No one ever wakes up one day and decides that it’s a good idea to destroy their life and become an addict and I’m sure deep down the man you married is still in there.
You’re obviously aware of his addiction and he knows you are so maybe the best thing now is cards on the table. Ask him the hard questions, the whys and when’s and the hows and offer him a life line. If he is remorseful and has sadly fallen victim to addiction and wants to work towards getting back to his sober self then please.support him as much as you can. But equally if he is not willing to accept his actions can’t continue then take the necessary measures to safeguard yourself and your family
Sending love
James x
Hi mate, hope you’re okay
Firstly just want to say you’re not alone and by no means are you a bad person.
Going from your name on here I’m pretty much the same age and can completely relate.
I’ve never been in a relationship where the partner also gets on it and I used to think to myself oh man how good would that be but I have friends who’s partners also use and reality is although you don’t get the constant policing it is actually alot worse for the fact you can get away with it and if one of you doesn’t want it, the other normally does.
I get the whole thing about not wanting to reach out because you’re worried that people may get involved with your kids etc because I have no doubt in my mind, despite your addiction you are both loving and decent parents.
This is a tough one.
Really the only thing that seems to really work is CA meetings but that involves attending meetings and takes up alot of time that you, as parents can’t give up as you need to be home with your kids.
I know it isn’t as simple as talking to eachother and saying “for the kids let’s just stop” because as nice of a thought that is, addiction and doesn’t care if you’re parents and will grip you no matter what responsibilities you have.
Do you guys have close friends you can talk to? Tell them and ask them to manage your money so that it’s harder for you to get hold of? People who won’t judge?
Can you maybe take it in turns going to ca meetings on alternative nights?
But please understand this. You both have to do this together. The worst thing that could happen is one of you giving 100%and the other 50% where it leads to a situation where you’re both questioning eachother if they been on it etc.
You clearly love eachother and alot of addicts aren’t lucky enough to have that person in their life.
Draw up a list.of things you want.
New car, family holiday. Anything and stick that on the wall and keep looking at it.
Anyone who does gear knows that you get a mad bond with someone you get on it with. Find something else.for.you both to do together when the kids go to bed.
Maybe youtube home work outs.
I know it’s never going to be as glamorous as getting the drinks in and a g and telling eachother how much you love eachother over and over again whilst off your nut but the reality is that this isn’t living.
Be honest with eachother, support eachother and keep pushing on.
You got this. For.yourselves and your kids.
Much love
James x
Hi mate, I hope you’re okay.
This topic is a really good one as I think it’s really common. Infact it’s exactly what I did.
At one point I was really bad, I lost my parents and I was using alot every day and it was plain to see.
I came clean, told my partner and told her I wanted to stop.
In truth, like your partner, I didnt actually stop. I just massively reduced. In my mind at the time, I felt some pride in how I had managed to reduce it alot due to the quality of life Improving just like you said. I wasnt missing work, wasn’t spending loads of money was spending alot more time at home and I think because my partner was so used to me being at my worst, she was fooled that this was me back to normal because the contrast was so easy to see.
I convio myself that this was okay because the key to any relationship is compromise right? But because if I told her o was still using but just a little it was just a comprise she didn’t need to know about and felt she should be happy with the changes I made.
The problem is though, you can’t just dip a toe. After a while the novelty of “the cut down” wore off. The new weekly planner I had in my head “right half a g on Monday then half a g Thursday then nothing at weekends” became okay just this week on Wednesday too, or oh I’m out for a curry Saturday night so I’ll have a quick half after the meal with some beers and before I knew it, I was back hiding money, doing it daily and being deceitful again.
It really is a case of, if you are an addict, and you want to stop, then it’s a clear line in the sand (excuse the terrible choice of saying haha)
Full stop no more, stop seeing friends who may influence you, stop drinking alcohol, find something you enjoy to keep you occupied, put measures in place to restrict your access to it ie your access to your money and ability to get it like deleting the numbers or telling the dealers your Mrs now knows they sell to you and if they answer to you again she will probably call police on them so it’s best they ignore your calls (works a treat that one believe it or not)
I give credit to your partner because he has made a big step and is clearing doing alot better, but you are right to worry that it will escalate because from experience it’s not a case of if it will, it’s when it will.
Speak to him, ask him to read this response. Maybe even show him this forum and myself and a few others like Dan can talk to him and maybe get him to explore the 12 steps.
Stay strong and hope you’re alright
James x
Wow, I’m so sorry to hear this, I just got back from a night shift and I’m absolutely shattered so I’ll come back tomorrow but the 70 grams in 6 weeks isn’t that unrealistic for someone to do. At my worst I would buy 3.5 a day which cost 200 say 5 times a week so that over 6 weeks would be 6k
If he’s buying it as single grams and paying top dollar of 100 per the its not too far fetched to rack up a bill like that especially if some of the money was used on other things like drink.
What I’d say though is for someone to be doing a large amount every day, there would be huge tell tale signs.
He wouldn’t of been sleeping and would look wrecked.
Not eating
He would of seemed massively “off” or weird to you
His nose would have taken a battering
He would have tried to avoid seeing you or spending time at home as much as possible.
I really do hope you’re okay and tomorrow I’ll come back and go over it all again.
There’s plenty of people on here who can support you and offer you guidance so I’m glad you found the forum
James x
Hi Lola, I hope you’re okay.
That was a really well explained post. It’s very clear love your husband wholeheartedly and I really must say it’s great to see you acknowledge that despite his addiction, you know he is still and good man and also acknowledge he still holds many good and decent qualities because often people suffering with addiction are tarnished as being the lowest of the low and just bad people.
I’ll start by telling you that all of the problems he has found himself in, the loans, the loss of jobs etc are no reflection on his love and commitment to you. If anything being in a loving relationship when struggling with addiction is even harder because of the shame and guilt you feel knowing you have let your partner down.
You sound like you’re very clued up on addiction so I’m guessing you’re aware of the way it takes control of a person, can make them do things they would never imagine they would. And even though they would sober hold values and morals that wouldn’t for example ever allow them to consider stealing from work. Somehow, almost in a state of trance, when the addiction knows this is the only way it will be fed, somehow the person addicted will go through with almost anything they have to in order to continue using.
From the outside in, it would be easy to say, well he has a family, and a partner who supports him. He has been too CA and worked the steps so it must be his own choice to return to it.
I don’t think this is the case.
Alongside working the steps I would suggest he gets some 1 to 1 professional councilling. To really work out the route cause of why he uses in the first place. I really do believe, even if a person isnt even aware of it themselves. Deep down there is a reason why they can’t stop themselves or a reason why they reach for this.
Some people like myself used cocaine to block emotions when I went through losing my parents and then became a daily user. Some people may not have a specific event that started it but maybe a unhappiness within themselves like not feeling enough, or feeling under pressure for any reason or anything at all could of been a reason for using the drug.
The drug like all drugs like paracetamol etc is used to treat pain of some sort. Often cocaine is used by the user to treat emotional pain and things get out of hand and then the cycle begins, cocaine causes more pain, so you mask that pain with cocaine, which then causes more pain and so on….
I really think of he can understand his reason for using it will help along with the steps and hopefully lead him to a full life of recovery.
Stay strong
Love is the cure for addiction
James x
Hey man, firstly, to the author of this Becky, Dan’s advice is probably some of the best advice you could have been given. Everything he said i agree with too.
@danman83 I’ve been hoping to catch up with you on here mate and reading just then the small part of your story I was hoping you could give me some advice too but haven’t known how to go about it as you can’t DM people. I’ll start a new thread and if you don’t mind I’d appreciate some guidance.Sorry if this is rude of me to use this thread to make contact but hopefuly the topic Im seeking advice for may be beneficial to others too
James x
Hey man, hope you’re well.
Just like everyone else is saying, you coming here and being honest is a huge thing. I hope nothing I say sounds patronising as I have no right as a young lad to tell you want to do but honestly, regardless of age I fully know what you’re going through.
No one ever wakes up one morning and decides to become a coke addict, it creeps up on you and before you know it, youre doing things you never thought you was capable of, lying to the people you love and every single part of your life revolves around either doing Coke, or trying to hide the fact you’re doing Coke from the world.
I could go on all night about things but I know there’s nothing I could say that you don’t already know yourself.
What I do know from research and talking to people though is this.
You are not a bad person/man/husband/father. You are suffering from an illness that is cocaine addiction.
Cocaine addiction chemically rewires the way your brain works and makes decisions so those times you say you know you should but you still do. That’s the illness. It’s like someone else is in the driving seat and you can’t control your body.
If you’re like me, you’ll probably sit and imagine to yourself a life without it, and how good things would be if you just removed it from your life. But that seems so unachievable…
I promise you now bud that life is waiting for you and you can get there. The person who you are deep down is still there and you can get back to that person but the hard truth of it is that it won’t be easy and it takes time.
If everyone is aware of your use it’s a bit easier because getting clean is a hard thing to hide.
CA is single handedly the most valuable tool you can have when facing this. Another guy on here Danman would be better to talk to about CA specifically as I think he’s done alot more of it than i have but I have been to lots of meetings and it is nothing like you imagine.
You will be met with people who have been through what you have and even worst and everyone there wants nothing more than to help eachother. The people I’ve met through CA are some of the most genuine kind hearted people I have ever known.
Follow the steps, trust the process and I promise you that little by little you will find the tools you need to face this head on.
The way you have been able to provide for you family, work, and keep going for so many years even with your addiction shows that you are a strong man. Take that strength take every thing you have and throw yourself into recovery.
You deserve to be happy, you deserve the life you want free of this and no matter how hard it gets just know that you are stronger than this thing.
Probably not the best response I could have made mate but please reply and if you have any specific questions you want to ask me please do.
You got this man. A better life is around the corner for you.
Good luck
James x
Hi mate, I hope you’re okay. I’m probably not qualified to go too far into this as it’s quite a different issue to what mine was but, that being said, I am a man, who through addiction, neglected my responsibilities as a partner and although I always worked and provided, that was probably because being at work enabled me to continue with my vice.
So… I hope you don’t mind but I’d probably start with a few questions that I hope you don’t mind me asking, to try maybe understand his behaviour.
Firstly, you say he gets high. What would be his poison? The term “getting high” would suggest to me he’s smoking weed but I could be wrong.
The “do anything to help our marriage” part. Suggests you’ve confronted him about his behaviour and made him aware you are unhappy? If so, how does he reply to that and how stern are you when telling him.
I’m sorry to make assumptions so please forgive me if I’m wrong.
He hasn’t worked full time and hasn’t for a while, but he has always had a roof over his head, been fed meals every day, and despite maybe a bit of stick from his Mrs. Still has his life around him (house, kids? Mrs).
Has there been anything significant that happend that you think may have triggered this when it started? As he sounds like a man who has given up on himself and life and is happy with his cycle of gaming, getting high and music because he can get away with it without too much consequence. I’m going to imagine you have held everything together mainly, bills, housework etc and if so, he could think that “well she’s taking care of everything okay” and excuse to himself his lack of input.
It sounds like he is comfortable with how things are and maybe a shock to the system would be helpful. For example, telling him you’re not happy and can’t continue the way it is and make it clear if it doesn’t change you will leave. If it doesn’t change, go stay with someone for a few weeks, have no contact and without you there he will realise everything you do for him and hopefully appreciate you more.
Stay strong and wish you well
James x
Hey ladies, as much as I try to often give information from the side of the person who is suffering with addiction. There too must always be a line that you draw to safe guard yourself. No one deserves to live in a hostile environment and I know just how hard it must be for you living with the destruction caused by having a partner who is addicted.
I will always stand up for those who are suffering but those who want to get help and those who have fallen victim to addiction. I would be a fool to think that there too is guys out there who have been offered love and compassion and help but refuse it and continue to use and abuse their partners.
If you feel you are at the point where you have done everything you can and are still being walked all over. Then maybe the answer is to walk away.
The reality of you doing so and the loss of everything that comes with your love for them may finally be the wake up call needed.
If I’m honest as much as I never treated my partner bad, was aggressive or abusive to her, it was just the lying about working late when sat in my car using or the money I would spend and have to hide. It took her to really walk away for me to finally take action. It was the best thing she has ever done for me as it made me realise that just the fact, I provided and was in most ways a great partner to her that it wasn’t acceptable for me to live the way I was.
I hope that kind of makes sense in some way, sending you love and strength
James x
Hiya mate this is a very interesting topic really.
I took have a book of all the things I did through my addiction that I am ashamed of. And yeah as.you asked it is one of the steps. At some point when following the programme, you are asked to write a list of everyone you have wronged and where reasonably possible, try to make amends.
For most, this is the hardest step and I’m sure you can understand why.
I’m always conscious when posting that it doesn’t seem like I’m making excuses for addicts but I assure you, those things your partner has written down. He already feels so much shame and guilt for without adding to it someone calling him out for them.
I’m not saying that he shouldn’t be held accountable, but during addiction there is genuinely a chemical reaction that alters the way your brain functions and makes decisions. I look back at some of the things I did and I would never in a million years consider doing them sober but the truth is, it happend.
I understand you will be full of anger and rage towards him for the lies and the hurt but no one ever sets out to cause their loved ones pain. Your partner wouldn’t of woke up one day and decided to become and addict, decided he was going to go down a path of lying to you, causing pain. But he fell victim to a disease that unfortunately destroys everything you care about.
I guess my input on this would be, try to emotionally detach yourself temporarily from the past few years and focus on supporting his recovery. He may come to you with these things himself and when he does, please try to listen to what he has to say, equally you do have every right to be mad about things but the man you’re talking to now clean and sober won’t be the same man who did those things.
I’m so sorry you have been affected by this plague and I applaud your approach to come here and ask for advise instead of tearing into him. You are clearly a strong woman and I hope that with your support, you get your husband back.
Sending love
James x