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I may be a little late replying as it may be sorted now but maybe some advice for if something like this happens again.
Im guessing from the post that he has a history of borrowing money and it going on drugs and obviously we all know that someone who is craving drugs will try anything to get money for them.
I don’t know what stage he is at or if he is currently still using it or if he is recovering etc.
If it is a genuine thing he will probably feel like you’re being hard on him because he could this time be telling the truth. If you’ve said no but he is then coming back trying to put more pressure that could be either because it is genuine and he is hurt that you aren’t willing to help straight away as he wants or due to the fact his cravings are getting worse and he is desperate.
Its such a hard situation to be in as you don’t want to fuel his habit if it is actually for drugs. You don’t want him to suffer if it is the truth and also the worry of what else he might try to do to get money if its for drugs as you suspect.
You’ve done the right thing. Don’t be feel pressured. Think about things logically. What time is it? Is the dentist even open? Can you call the dentist and offer to pay over the phone for the appointment? Can you purchase a ticket online for him to collect at the train station. In this day and age you can do most things remotely so if he genuinely wants your help for his tooth. You couldnexpla6rhe reasons why you don’t want to send him money but will still help and he would be thankful that you’re offering to help.
If he is insistent that he needs the money himself there and then it would lead me to believe its not for the dentist.
I know its hard but tough love is what someone with addiction nesds. Short term they won’t like it but eventually I’m sure he will understand that youre only looking out for his best interest.
I hope that helps in some way and please never feel guilty as its clear you care alot for him and he is lucky to have a sister like you
Hiya, I’ll try to make this short as it’s late but I feel also I want to comment on this and I hope you understand where I’m coming from. I’ll start by saying I’m not making excuses for your husband or justifying his actions but I do feel that (and understandably so) when a partner finds something like this out they may be so hurt by their partners actions and feel betrayed that it’s easy to not try to understand the other person’s point of view.
Again I apologise if I’m out of line here but…….
Your husband is obviously buying he alcohol secretly so he is clearly aware that he is drinking too much. In some ways you could assume he is ashamed. I imagine he hasn’t always drank like this so there must be a reason why it’s got to this point.
A few things you mentioned may be worth looking into and discussing with him.
He had a good job and a I assume a loving relationship. He would of felt a level of pride. You say you have 2 children and its common knowledge that when couples have children a level of intimacy will always suffer. The mother is now focused on being a mum and has responsibilities with the children it’s easy for a man to feel neglected as a male doesn’t go through the same hormonal charges a woman does so desire to feel loved and have physical contact is still very much there for a man when for a woman that need is much less due to the need to be a mother and the hormonal side of things. Couple that with the fact he lost his job. He know may feel like he isn’t providing especially when he has young children he may feel ‘useless’ there’s also that you haven’t shared a bed so he again may be excluded from the family in some way like at bed time he’s sent off to his room. Theres also the lockdown element that has had huge effects on people’s mental health.
Imagine a man who is now sleeping in a bed in a room alone, who is feeling less affection from his partner than usual, who feels ashamed that he is no longer contributing financially to the household. That may of been a very bad place for him mentally and he found alcohol as his thing to take those feelings away.
I’m by no means saying any of this is your fault and please believe me I really do sympathise with what you’re going through but I hope that maybe trying to understand by asking him his root causes for the drinking it may help you to come back together as a family. It would be easy to push each other further anyway due to something like this but being honest and talking about both of your feelings may be able to find a way to bring you back togehter and help him with his drinking.
I hope nothing I said was out of line and wish you and your husband all the best x
Hi @lookingforhope I hope you’re okay and I’m sorry you’re having a tough time at the moment. The guy above Dan is probably the most helpful person on here and has helped so many people on here already so I’m sure a conversation with him will go a long way but I just wanted to comment because there’s alot of similarities to what I went / am going through. Without going too far in to me. I was not long ago in the same position as your partner. My daughter is now 4 months old and up until recently I had been using cocaine at least 4 times a week for as long as I can remember.
But here’s the important part. It started for me the same as most young lads at the weekend and only a little but then my mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer. She passed away about a year later from being diagnosed and then 3days prior to the 1st anniversary of her passing my dad passed away too. I was 26 when my mum passed and 27 when my dad did.
Cocaine has the ability to make you numb. Absolutely emotionless. And I know now through being honest with myself and some counselling that a big part of my using cocaine (of course there was an element of selfishness) was to do with blocking out any greif I may of felt losing my parents. I would feel the natural pain of bereavement but then all of a sudden as soon as I did a line I wouldn’t feel sad anymore. The chemical attributes of the drug literally rewire your brain to block all of that out. The problem was is that it always ran out and then like Dan said those feelings come back 10fold and also with the guilt and come down that anyone who does drugs experiences.
You say you never noticed or had any idea, to me that makes me think that it’s because instead of expressing the signs you’d expect from him like depression etc he may of seemed absolutely fine. That could possibly of been because the cocaine wasnt giving him so much of a high like you see in the films where he would be bouncing off the walls. But because he was so low it simply brought him back up to a “normal” level.
The problem is regardless of the reason you use it. It will eventually grip anyone no matter who you are and he may of found that even when he may of wanted to stop the addiction had set in and for many people it becomes an endless cycle of having to feed the addiction due to the psychological torture whilst also trying to keep the secret from loved ones and also maintain his level of normal life like work and healthy relationships etc.
I can’t put words in his mouth but as a man he may of found it easier to not show weekness and depend on you when he was grieving and instead used this artificial happiness just to get through the days.
Again you mentioned you have a young family, the feeling of needing to provide and “be a man” would be more important to him when having a child than ever and opening up and putting the heartache and stress of his addiction on you at the time of having a family would have not of been an option. I can only imagine he isn’t happy about his use and wouldn’t be proud of it so would want to keep it from you as best he can.
That in turn creates an endless cycle of him tying to keep you as his partner happy and unaware, while also trying to deal with the issues of addiction such as finding the money without it being noticed. Doing it and not being caught and everything else whilst still trying to hold on to the part of him that is the man you clearly love.
I’m more trying to hopefully tell you things that he may want to say but wouldn’t be able to as everything I just said is things I wish I told my partner years ago.
I think the ultimate cure for addiction is love. And if you can I’d say please try to understand as much as you can. I’m not saying he hasn’t done things that are wrong that will upset you but please know that every person who is addicted to anything is still the person they was deep down.
I hope that he can find strength and get back to a place where you’re both happy and free of this stuff. But please know that the more comfortable it is for him to be honest the most chances are he may break free.
There’s plenty of good people on this forum who sit at all angles regarding drugs so I’m sure many more people will reach out. This comment is only from my point of view other people who are partners of users like yourself may be abke to advise from another angle.
I wish you both all the best and I hope you can work through it together x
I hope you don’t mind me messaging you both on here, but what you said Jay about messaging when you want to do it is so true. Don’t you find when your either on it or on the come down you want to either talk about it or get help but then you sober up and just imagine like nothing happend and forget about it? I’ve wanted to get help so many times when it’s 4am and I’m off my nut but then the next day when I should be making calls or doing something about it I refuse to think about it.
Dan, I’ve read so many of your posts and you really have been helping so many people on here and have been so honest about what it’s really like so massive respect to you on that mate we all know how hard it is.
Can i ask you about the CA stuff? What is it really like and what’s involved? And Jay if you want someone to start doing it with and you want to I’d be happy to sign up and start the same time and keep in touch through this forum to keep eachother motivated