[Lozzy80]

Hi Rabbito

That’s great news, sounds like there is hope and life after leaving an addict and suffering trauma that goes with it all. Also thank you for your honesty about the emotions and struggles you are going through after going no contact. You seem to be in a good place and a strong person, you got this…keep going and never look back!

Hopefully I can get free from all this soon…it’s so hard , a lot to sort out and for some unexplained stupid reason part of me still loves him .. but I can’t let this continue, it’s destroying me

[Lozzy80]

Hi all

How’s everyone doing, been a long time since posted here

Things were slightly better for a bit but have boiled over yet again now …but with control and manipulation really ramped up now that I’m setting very clear boundaries.

He still swings from abstinence for a bit , saying and doing all the right things to suggest he finally understands that he is an addict and cannot ever touch cocaine ever again…to then using again and saying he needs to be able to let off steam and that it’s just a one off , etc etc , but of course it’s never a one off ….yet every.time I have to listen to all this , that he can stop, and that I am such a terrible person who doesn’t understand and then twists it all round back on me … It hurts so much.

I do really think this time I’ve been backed so far into a corner the only option is to leave …for my own sanity and maybe for his…if I don’t go nothing changes and his behaviour continues.

[Lozzy80]

Hi Navy

Good to hear from you, and hope you have found new resolve after a break and boundary reset.

Ive had a deadful week , and my bank holiday ruined which I was hoping for some time to rest and relax.  He got caught out in the week and me putting in my boundaries and not standing for any more crap means he’s doubled down – constant put downs and said he is finished with me twice… But I’m so broken when he said it that all I’ve done is cry and cry and cry. And he does me down for that too..

 

Honestly the things he has said this week..  and I can see what he is doing but it still kills.md… I’m at a point where I feel so ill , lethargic and low that I feel powerless to do anything about it

I nearly went to my mum’s but I know if she saw me in the state I was reduced to, it would kill her.  At very least there’d definitely be no going back and for some reason that scares me to… Where has the good guy , loving and supportive husband from the last month suddenly gone? .. it’s gut wrenching knowing the coke has a huge part to play…. But he also took it knowing the consequences.

I just feel so trapped , and racked with anxiety today. I’m going to try my absolute best now to look after myself and get out of this rut …firstly by doing some exercise and seeing family today…hopefully it makes me more resilient to his emotional attacks..

 

Take care of yourselves Navy, and all reading this …don’t let them drag you down to their desperate level … It’s really not worth it xx

[Lozzy80]

One week on and true to form, he’s used again. Quite wrecked on fact. He doesn’t seem to care about my health and ignored how distraught I am and in fact said I am being nasty ?!?! Didn’t think my tears and saying I need support and peace and stability was a nasty thing to say/do?!

 

I feel so stupid. I lent him more £££ just leading up to this. He was being great, we had got into a new rhythm with our health and fitness and he was supporting me with my health issues and coming with me to hospital appointments etc. but I just sensed last week what was to come when he changed… And it was all leading up to this big relapse and him just being a total selfish prick again. I am devastated all over again

 

I know each time I go through this turmoil though, I am one step closer to building the strength to leave.

[Lozzy80]

Hi Frazzlepop

Sorry to hear things still very challenging for you… your mum is probably in denial or minimising how serious the situation is to stay sane. I am guilty of the same

I really feel for you, and your disabled brother who doesn’t have the voice needed to get safe.  I hope you can get the NMO and occupational order I’m sure you can do it in your own name and on behalf of/for the safety of your disabled brother.

Might be worth seeking advice from domestic violence organisations like women’s aid…for both you and your family.

I really hope you find peace soon

 

[Lozzy80]

Hi Navy, all,

Navy you are doing so well, I bet it’s not easy at all but hopefully the boundaries provide you with some sense of stability and security.

Not the news I was hoping for couple of weeks ago.I think I just wanted my health issues to magically disappear.  For a bit he was great, being the supportive husband, and he hasn’t had any lapses.

But what feels like out the blue…he has just turned very nasty and now saying unkind and untrue things.

But deep down I always knew there were other issues with the way he is ……just done a total switch on me, stomping around like a sulky teenager and saying some very unkind things. I don’t know why I didn’t think this would happen…he used to get like this now and then even before his issues with addiction.   I am sensing some strong resentment, that my health issues is obviously putting him out. He is still not doing  much to help his own mental or physical wellbeing ..and has explicitly blamed me.

It’s just dawned on me perhaps this is the build up/excuse for the next relapse.

I’ve been in tears all morning but I’ve got to carry on with work and attend various medical appointments. Just don’t know if I’m coming or going. Will try and work on some boundaries so he can’t hurt me anymore .

[Lozzy80]

Rabbito

Thank you for being so open and vulnerable with us , so many of us have been there…I left and went back and regretted it.

 

You have some boundaries now which seems to be helping you feel stronger… There is just that final string to cut loose isn’t there..it’s so hard…but you sound like you are nearly there..

I need to set some stronger boundaries and I feel this will be there year I do make some huge changes…something has to give in the end

[Lozzy80]

Hi m

Not just catching up , had a rather busy Easter.  Partners been keeping his nose clean for Nearly a week now but his moods have been intolerable. He’s borrowed further £££ from family to now pay off dealers n just waiting for that next relapse. He says he’s coming with me to my medical appointment next week where I’ll hear some important news about my health n future treatment options. Part of me wants him there he can be a rock in these sort of situations, but it soon comes all  undone by his outrageous mood swings n the drug use

 

Will try find time to join these online meetings really need that outside support of hearing from others in a similar situation xx

[Lozzy80]

Hi Navy

Just catching up here, oh my goodness..  you are so strong and brave, you sound like you have fight in you now, putting yourself first.. hope you are ok, must be all sorts of emotions…hope you finding peace and relief though… Now out of the situation hoping it helps you see things more clearly.

I’m still hanging on in my relationship for now but honestly don’t understand why… It just takes so much courage and energy to leave  and I can’t handle the upheaval right now even though staying causes it’s own stress

I really hope things are improving for you now xx

[Lozzy80]

Sounds like you have reached your decision, when you can imagine a future free of them and it fills you with hope then you know you’re doing the right thing

I think I’m not far off making that decision…made it once before but I was still very much in love with him and missed the old him/us… Where as we are much further on down the line now , there’s been very few happy moments in recent years  to keep me here anymore …just constant turmoil, drama, fights, dispair  and loneliness

I wish you all the best for a peaceful happy future, free from the chaos !

[Lozzy80]

That should say barely recognise! Wish we could edit out posts

[Lozzy80]

Hi m

I hadn’t heard of co anon before I will look into this thank you

We’ve just had another blazing row… He’s on a come down after being on it solid for 8 days. Im so annoyed he lets me walk straight into these arguments , he uses these arguments to say I’m the nasty one, it’s his perfect excuse to be the victim and need to use..

I’m so fed up. I want to leave now it’s gone on for far too long …and I’m finding I nearly recognise the man I married.  Just finding the strength to actually leave , go through divorce and selling the house… He will either make it very very difficult….and certainly nasty.. or he will be happy to see it sold quick so he can get his hand on his share of equity to pay off his dealers and just get coked out of his mind for a good few months

[Lozzy80]

Hi all

 

Things have escalated again (surprise surprise) quite quickly. He reverted to almost normal , appearing caring, happier more positive etc with me and my mum , I stupidly went along with this sharade even though deep down n buried I was anxious about him relapsing

Well of course that happened, and his nasty side has come back. He has crossed my boundaries several times this week , on basis he has no choice cos he’s in too much pain …so now it’s out of necessity for pain n how can I stand in his way!

I am now totally backed into a corner. I had a complete breakdown a few days ago… For about 10 hours I just wanted to die .

Now I’m just filled with fear and regret . Fear about the future and how the hell do I get out of this mess. And regret for not leaving years ago . However there is no rule book… If I leave I can do that but do I just walk away from my house that Ive paid for (he stopped contributing years ago now).  He will also refuse or at least make it very very difficult to sell … I’ve not been able to keep on top of the repairs n decoration due to time and no money left every month.

Just so much to think about, my heads spinning

[Lozzy80]

Sounds horrific Algarvetammy

Addiction creates a vacuum if chaos , anyone in proximity gets sucked into it. I feel so much for you and especially your dad, no one should be treated like this by their own children ????

I’m struggling to walk away from my husband even though I know I have to to survive now , so I can’t say oh just walk away from your brother and friend as if it’s easy.  But it would be for the best. No contact at all is what’s needed, so they can no longer manipulate or harm you or your dad.

 

As for  Your friend, she is big enough to work things out for herself, she’ll have to ..you warned her , and she’s chose her side… Due to her very close contact with your brother I think you need to cut all contact with her too, she’s your brother’s pawn, he will continue to abuse your family through her.

My heart goes out to you , such a sad sad situation

 

[Lozzy80]

Kym

You have made a brave step moving out.  In the early days this might shock him into changing his ways but be warned it may only be brief to win you back . Don’t let any guilt or shame factor creep in …you sound strong….you can love the old him and let him go….they are no longer there

 

Hoping to find my own strength soon to leave and start living again.

Hope you are ok , couple of days now since your post and I know how much can happen in just 48 hours…  Be prepared for a roller coaster of emotions and turmoil  but re-read what you have written here  , or in any journal …. Hopefully it keeps you staying strong…also have your mind set on a goal for you – what do you want to achieve in the next few weeks, 6 months , 1 year…stay focused on these goals and don’t look back xx

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