[Lozzy80]

Hi Frazzlepop

Sorry you and your family still suffering due to your brothers disgusting behaviour.  My husband has displayed such cruel horrible selfish traits himself, and yes can be whether sober or intoxicated.  This year has been by far the worst. I think its once the mask is truly fully off they go past the point of caring.

My husband has today proved again just how badly addiction has taken hold of him…just a day out of hospital and he’s getting his fix this eve…  so now I really know he is beyond the point of no return.. in times goes by he would always put his health first

 

Time for me to really think about how to leave now in 2025, for my own sanity and a better life.

 

Wishing you and everyone here a peaceful Christmas …hoping 2025 brings brighter days for us all xx

[Lozzy80]

Hey 💜

There’s been so much happening. I did leave home v briefly which helped give mg head a wobble. I’ve returned home but feel a bit better knowing my boundaries and holding onto the peace I felt when I was away

Counselling was ok helped lay some foundations but it was perhaps not as effective as could be if was out if the relationship and moving on.

So much happening though , husband having some of his own life events at moment.  He is still using and I’m learning to accept that’s his choice, I am trying not to get wrapped up with his issues now and carry on about my own life. It’s still hard to do at times but something has definitely changed inside me ..  not saying I’m totally uncaring now just not willing to let his chaos drag me so far down to the absolute depths of despair that I haved experienced the past few years.

 

I also found reaching out to my closest friends and family, without going into detail about the addiction, just the behaviour n mental health side of things , has helped me a lot..helped me to realise I’m not a bad person and that I must take better care if myself

Hope all is well with you 🙏

 

[Lozzy80]

Actions speak louder than words. They will only kick their addiction if they really want to , and get the help they need.

My husband is also conflicted…or maybe not even conflicted and just fakes wanting to stop so he gets what he wants – £ or to ensure I’m not going to leave and then it’s since repeat

I’m so fed up with it all now. I am really struggling with boundaries…I feel like a doormat…things have really escalated this yr more around how he treats and speaks to me …the coke has changed him but also was this the real him now not giving a crap … Who knows.. will check out YouTube for that channel

[Lozzy80]

Over 5 years ago I was still very much in love with my husband and clinged onto the old him and hope he would sort himself out.

He calmed down his use ever so slightly and continued to hold down his job. Still lots of horrible binges and the aftermath to deal with

It slowly got worse. Then about a year ago I really started to see a change. Given up on life basically. And my own health issues now to deal with have really made me realise he has no where near the level of love or care for me that I’ve shown him all these years.

In the last 6 months things have become so unbearable but I have been trapped not sure what way to turn. He has to trump my needs and health issues if ever I try to speak jo about struggling…and I mean really really struggling now. Instead he resents me, I have added some sort of guilt to his using…

..he is now barely recognisable…there’s a nastiness about his moods now …taunts and goads me constantly so I’m almost relieved when he uses and then becomes a nicer person for a breif moment.

 

I’m feeling sick to the core. I want to escape but the manipulation is so so strong…he has been taking overdoses when i even hint at not standing for it anymore….if I leave I know he will do some real damage and that’s the only reason why I haven’t left.

 

I have just started counselling and I have had a few positive moments as a result .. but as the days pass after each session …the despair creeps back in. I am at a loss of what to do.  I have had the role of carer for him forced upon me….but health services etc don’t know he’s an addict… All they will see is me as this evil wife who has abandoned him . I am not even sure if I could be prosecuted if I leave him as he is making out to be so vulnerable . I did contact the mental health team on an occasion where he was threatening to overdose and all they said was call NHS111 or 999…but he said if I do that he will flee the house and definitely make sure he’s dead before they get to him.

So at this stage I don’t think it’s lovely or Stockholm syndrome keeping me here….it’s pure fear of what the consequences will be for leaving

[Lozzy80]

Just seen we don’t have the private messaging option on this forum.  I am still here anyhow to listen and you are certainly not alone.

In another post a member recommended co anon. I am thinking of joining that …I think it definitely helps to be able to talk to others who are going through this

[Lozzy80]

update on my situation.

My counselling has finally started and it’s good to have a whole hour once a week focusing on me, thinking about my own needs and what I need to do to get these met.

Situation with my husband is severely bad I don’t know how elseto describe it.. but I can no longer spend all my time focusing on how to make him or put marriage better.

 

All my energy focused on him is destroying me now, so it needs to stop. It’s so hard to watch the person you love chose to destroy themselves but there has to come a point we have to save ourselves.

 

I need to be there for me, and my other family and friends who love me.

 

[Lozzy80]

Lottier

Sorry you and your daughter are going through this, sadly I’ve not advice for your situation on shared parenting. I know of friends in difficult shared parenting situations where the father is difficult but that is putting it mildly for your situation.  His behaviour is manipulative and vindictive towards you and sounds like could be like this with your daughter too, so all your instincts must be screaming to protect your daughter from him.  Emotional abuse is very traumatic, I am going through it myself.

I can only suggest reaching out to women’s aid – Google them there is a helpline and they can hopefully put you in touch with a specialist in abuse who can best advise, including support through the family courts.

Sending you strength and positivity, hope it all gets settled for you very soon, you don’t deserve this crap xx

[Lozzy80]

Feelinglostandalone

I am so sorry. Addiction is a beast and it robs us of the person we loved. I am slowly starting to accept my husband has changed beyond all recognition now. He has lost literally everything and will still relapse and use. They have to really want to recover is what I am learning from various treatment approaches. Until they really want it, nothing will work…they lose their families, friends, jobs, home and self respect all for the white stuff. It’s crazy and heartbreaking

 

We have to focus on our own recovery now.

I really do know the hurt pain trauma of being married to a cocaine addict…in fact I am still livingn in this hell but have been pushed so far I am slowly getting to accept I am done … Don’t hesitate  private message if need to talk xx

[Lozzy80]

Hi Rabbito

That’s great news, sounds like there is hope and life after leaving an addict and suffering trauma that goes with it all. Also thank you for your honesty about the emotions and struggles you are going through after going no contact. You seem to be in a good place and a strong person, you got this…keep going and never look back!

Hopefully I can get free from all this soon…it’s so hard , a lot to sort out and for some unexplained stupid reason part of me still loves him .. but I can’t let this continue, it’s destroying me

[Lozzy80]

Hi all

How’s everyone doing, been a long time since posted here

Things were slightly better for a bit but have boiled over yet again now …but with control and manipulation really ramped up now that I’m setting very clear boundaries.

He still swings from abstinence for a bit , saying and doing all the right things to suggest he finally understands that he is an addict and cannot ever touch cocaine ever again…to then using again and saying he needs to be able to let off steam and that it’s just a one off , etc etc , but of course it’s never a one off ….yet every.time I have to listen to all this , that he can stop, and that I am such a terrible person who doesn’t understand and then twists it all round back on me … It hurts so much.

I do really think this time I’ve been backed so far into a corner the only option is to leave …for my own sanity and maybe for his…if I don’t go nothing changes and his behaviour continues.

[Lozzy80]

Hi Navy

Good to hear from you, and hope you have found new resolve after a break and boundary reset.

Ive had a deadful week , and my bank holiday ruined which I was hoping for some time to rest and relax.  He got caught out in the week and me putting in my boundaries and not standing for any more crap means he’s doubled down – constant put downs and said he is finished with me twice… But I’m so broken when he said it that all I’ve done is cry and cry and cry. And he does me down for that too..

 

Honestly the things he has said this week..  and I can see what he is doing but it still kills.md… I’m at a point where I feel so ill , lethargic and low that I feel powerless to do anything about it

I nearly went to my mum’s but I know if she saw me in the state I was reduced to, it would kill her.  At very least there’d definitely be no going back and for some reason that scares me to… Where has the good guy , loving and supportive husband from the last month suddenly gone? .. it’s gut wrenching knowing the coke has a huge part to play…. But he also took it knowing the consequences.

I just feel so trapped , and racked with anxiety today. I’m going to try my absolute best now to look after myself and get out of this rut …firstly by doing some exercise and seeing family today…hopefully it makes me more resilient to his emotional attacks..

 

Take care of yourselves Navy, and all reading this …don’t let them drag you down to their desperate level … It’s really not worth it xx

[Lozzy80]

One week on and true to form, he’s used again. Quite wrecked on fact. He doesn’t seem to care about my health and ignored how distraught I am and in fact said I am being nasty ?!?! Didn’t think my tears and saying I need support and peace and stability was a nasty thing to say/do?!

 

I feel so stupid. I lent him more £££ just leading up to this. He was being great, we had got into a new rhythm with our health and fitness and he was supporting me with my health issues and coming with me to hospital appointments etc. but I just sensed last week what was to come when he changed… And it was all leading up to this big relapse and him just being a total selfish prick again. I am devastated all over again

 

I know each time I go through this turmoil though, I am one step closer to building the strength to leave.

[Lozzy80]

Hi Frazzlepop

Sorry to hear things still very challenging for you… your mum is probably in denial or minimising how serious the situation is to stay sane. I am guilty of the same

I really feel for you, and your disabled brother who doesn’t have the voice needed to get safe.  I hope you can get the NMO and occupational order I’m sure you can do it in your own name and on behalf of/for the safety of your disabled brother.

Might be worth seeking advice from domestic violence organisations like women’s aid…for both you and your family.

I really hope you find peace soon

 

[Lozzy80]

Hi Navy, all,

Navy you are doing so well, I bet it’s not easy at all but hopefully the boundaries provide you with some sense of stability and security.

Not the news I was hoping for couple of weeks ago.I think I just wanted my health issues to magically disappear.  For a bit he was great, being the supportive husband, and he hasn’t had any lapses.

But what feels like out the blue…he has just turned very nasty and now saying unkind and untrue things.

But deep down I always knew there were other issues with the way he is ……just done a total switch on me, stomping around like a sulky teenager and saying some very unkind things. I don’t know why I didn’t think this would happen…he used to get like this now and then even before his issues with addiction.   I am sensing some strong resentment, that my health issues is obviously putting him out. He is still not doing  much to help his own mental or physical wellbeing ..and has explicitly blamed me.

It’s just dawned on me perhaps this is the build up/excuse for the next relapse.

I’ve been in tears all morning but I’ve got to carry on with work and attend various medical appointments. Just don’t know if I’m coming or going. Will try and work on some boundaries so he can’t hurt me anymore .

[Lozzy80]

Rabbito

Thank you for being so open and vulnerable with us , so many of us have been there…I left and went back and regretted it.

 

You have some boundaries now which seems to be helping you feel stronger… There is just that final string to cut loose isn’t there..it’s so hard…but you sound like you are nearly there..

I need to set some stronger boundaries and I feel this will be there year I do make some huge changes…something has to give in the end

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