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Hi Bump, Kate1, Lindyloo, February marie and everyone else on this thread. If I have omitted your name, it isn’t because you are not part of the support/communication trail. Thank you for sharing your despair Bump, you are amongst people who can share and empathise and you need never apologise. I am struggling myself right now. Those of you who have read my posts in the past will be aware that I am estranged from my son after decades of nightmare scenarios that were totally destroying me and were enabling my son. I have found out indirectly that my son is very likely back in prison and my heart weeps for the despair of it all. I am resisting making further enquiries as we have been here before. The recurring questions/if’s/whats/maybe’s that graze on my mind. I am attempting to find strategies to take care of myself and ‘park’ the horrors of it all on a ‘shelf’ in my mind to enable me to continue. I send l hope to you all; to your loved ones also. Please take care of yourselves
Hi Everyone. I hope that others can continue to find hope and support amongst this forum. I hope that those whose sons (other family members who are addicts) who have reported being clean/sober for significant time remains. Sadly, I have indirect news that my son for whom I am estranged is likely to be back in prison. My heartache and overwhelming sadness resurfaces; of course, it never goes away as you will understand. I will say no more except that I am finding strategies for me to manage this for the longterm. It isn’t going away and I am truly despairing with the nightmare of it all. I won’t go into anymore detail. This is recurring and I had to say ‘goodbye’ to my son as it was totally destroying me . When I see his children, it serves to remind me of what he is missing and that hurts me too. So I need to work to strategies that will support me to manage this in the least damaging way possible. Painful and desperately sad but this is here to stay. Glad to be able to share. I send hope to you all, peace also, when you can find it
Hi Jem, Bump, Deb, Februarymarie, Lindyloo and everyone else on this thread. Yes, we have each other and that brings enormous comfort to know that we are supporting each other. Bump and Jem, the days of your sons being sober/clean offer hope and we must always have that. It provides hope. I can truly identify with the forthcoming festivities and how they being all the pain to the surface. I don’t like Christmas as it epitomises all the horrible things that have gone wrong and like so many of us, we have to paint a smile on our faces. I can empathise with looking around at friends and families whose lives are not impacted by addiction and I feel like screaming ‘why, why, why? All the routine things in ‘normal’ family life like school/work/family gatherings are things that don’t happen in lives of addicts and their families; addiction has poisoned it all. The horror of my son’s addiction has impacted on me/my life in immeasurable ways that you will all understand. My heart bleeds for the hopelessness/pitifulness of all the associated happenings that I struggle to compartmentalise.I look back on the past and acknowledge that I got some things wrong in parenting; I also got some things right too. I see alot of my grandchildren (my son’s children) who I adore . As fortunate as I am to be involved in their lives, it is a reminder of the horrors of what has gone wrong with my son.
I admit to having stopped worrying about people being judgemental; I just don’t talk to anyone (except 2 people) about the path we are sharing. I don’t find it helpful and it just becomes more exhausting to deal with. I am going out for a brisk walk now, I send hope and support to you all. The sharing of info re days of being sober/clean is great to hear and cannot be overestimated in our journey of hope xxx
Hello again, thank you for your kindness and sharing your stories. We all agree that it is impossible for others to understand the catastrophic effects of addiction and how it poisons the addicts and their families. My heart is permanently broken with it all and I have had to learn to ‘shelf’ it to enable to function and carry on. I wear a permanent mask on my face. Evenings can be particularly difficult as the day is coming to an end. Sleep can be an escape from the pain in my mind and the permanent heartbreak of wondering what my son us/isn’t doing. What is he feeling? Should I be reaching out to him? And then I remember the total fear of his presence and his abuse. This was for in excess of 20 years and u have tried. Truly heartwrenching and I hope that things may get better. However, I have also realised that I was getting burnt out with hope. My son is away from his children because of his addiction. What better incentive was there for trying to get sorted? My heart bleeds with it all and I have to learn to manage to live with this. I am thinking of you all. Please take care of yourselves; I continue to hope and pray for you all and your sons. Sorry for the late outpour, I hope to be able to sleep OK tonight, Sending us hugs and hope
Thank you for your kindness. We all continue to hope. That is all that is left now
Hi Februarymarie and everyone else who has responded and shared their stories. Thank you for your kindness and empathy. Februarymarie, you asked how I am coping with not speaking to my son; the answer is variable. I go to bed with it all on my mind and wake up with it also. It is a source of ongoing pain and sadness which I have to learn to manage. This is the son who I loved and cared for and raised on my own. Only those who have endured the catastrophic effects of addiction can truly understand how it effects those concerned. After several years of pain and heartache, I realised that it was totally destroying me and all the things I was doing was enabling him. We are talking about violence/prison/child protection meetings and horrific experiences that are permanently burnt into my mind. I am unable to say what finally made me find the strength to detach (although as a mum, you never really can). I made it clear to my son that the door was open to him if he were to change so I have to have hope. He is away from his children and I know that really hurts him so that is a great source of pain for me too. I will say no more except please take care of yourself(ves). Moment by moment/day by day is my motto. I ‘cope’ in varying degrees with varying ‘success’ and there are times when I feel I am losing it. I will say no more except thank you for your sharing and understanding. I tap into my higher power intermittently also. Lots of love to you all
Hello Everyone. Thank you for sharing your stories and the exhausting,nerve racking, cliff edge emotions of it all including the pain and despair. And the hopelessness and disappointment when someone relapses after attempting to stay sober/come clean. I can identify with all of that. Some of you will know that I had to somehow find the strength to say goodbye to my son as a last resort. I was becoming a shell of my former self. I continue to hope and pray too. My emotions have been particularly fragile recently and I am struggling. I am doing my best to take each moment as it comes. I know that the pain never leaves and I continue to hope and pray for us all, our sons also. Life is so unfair. I send warmth and hope to you all.
Hi Joanie59, welcome and thank you for sharing. What a totally exhausting and stressful situation for you. As always, Lindyloo has offered strong words of comfort. I regularly sign into the ‘Theresa’ forum as described by Lindyloo; you will be able to navigate with a bit of time. You are not alone, we are supporting each other. I have endured the horrors associated with my son’s addiction (prison/child protection etc (all truly horrible and heartwrenching) ; so many of us have similar stories and experiences that enable us to reach out and support each other. Enjoy your birthday as much as you call. Very important that you take care of yourself. Sending you strength
Hi Everyone, I haven’t been in touch for a while. The shared stories and experiences in this forum are a source of strength and support for us all. As so many of us can identify, it is impossible for people who don’t have experience of family addiction
to fully understand and empathise with the rollercoaster of it all. I continue to hope and pray for us all. I saw my son very briefly afew weeks ago, he looked better than when I had previously seen him. I continue to hope. I also remind us all of the absolute importance of taking care of ourselves. Addiction destroys the addict and their loved ones also. Hope prevails for us all.
Hello again everyone. Just checking in and reminding myself how this forum has helped to make me feel less isolated. I am recalling the shared stories and varying degrees of heartbreak. I am thinking of you all and continue to hope and pray for peace for all concerned. Kate 1, thinking particularly of you right now. Your son and you have paid the ultimate price of the horrors of addiction. Words escape me and I am worried about saying the wrong thing. May your son RIP. Sun has just started to shine and I am going out for a walk. Continue to take care of yourselves as much as you can
Kate 1, what could I ever say that would make it any better. Words escape me except to say that you are in my thoughts and prayers. May your son RIP. Agony of the worst kind for you. Saying we are here for you seems like empty words but we truly are. X
Hi Kate and others. Please don’t beat yourself for feeling’ hate’ towards your son. Important to remember that love and hate are closely connected and I can identify with those feelings too. As you said, addiction destroys you too and I was slowly losing more and more of myself to the point where I was becoming a shell of my former self. For years, I engaged in behaviour and support for my son that was enabling him and I somehow had to find the strength to say goodbye. I am unsure how I found this but I had been dealing with the pain and turmoil for in excess of 20 years. I live in hope that things might change , I have prayed in churches and written
messages on prayer boards; anything to give me hope. My heart remains permanently shattered with it all and I have had to freeze things in my mind to retain a level of sanity. Fathers Day tomorrow serves as a reminder that my son will be hurting for not being with his kids and I know that as mothers, we feel their heartache too. So, a permanent life sentence for many. Please take care of yourselves and seek solace from this forum. I know that it helps me to know that others can identify with the complete catastrophic effects of addiction for the person and their families. I continue to hope and pray for us all.
Hello again everyone and I have read your updated stories and feelings. To Susan Holding, my heart breaks for your story (and others too). Very painful and no get out clause. Additional worry when you know that there are grandchildren involved too. I have my own painful experience of taking my grandchildren to see my son in prison and the nightmare of child protection meetings. Please be assured that I am not attempting to divert from your story but as so may people on this forum have said, a crumb of comfort can be sought from knowing that others can identify with the nightmare of it all. And we all need to take care of ourselves. The constant ‘living on the edge’, the worrying, fear and hopelessness and helplessness can be overwhelming.
Please take care of yourselves. I have learnt that I need to do this, despite the constant turmoil and heartache. Good night All
Hello again everyone. Oh the nightmare and catastrophic effects of addiction! My heart is permanently in pain due to what has been lost due to my son’s alcoholism. The stories of your shared pain and experiences reflect alot of my own experiences. For years I have dealt with the abuse/lying etc etc etc that comes with it all and I was being destroyed more and more. Part of me is permanently frozen in an attempt to keep it all on a hidden shelf in my mind and to retain a level of sanity/peace of mind. Please take care of yourselves. I spent years hoping and praying and pleading with no effect. I have visited prison, attended child protection conferences and had police calling at my home at all times. I have been permanently living on the edge. I somehow found the strength to say ‘goodbye’ to my son although that breaks my heart. I won’t say anymore, all too painful. I love my son but I was being totally destroyed and enabling him at every turn. I continue to have hope but on a much more realistic level. Please take care and remember that we are all in this together, that offers some crumb of comfort in the nightmare that others understand. Night
Hello to Everyone on this thread who has shared their stories. Yes, all have a common theme and variations on what is going on in our sons’ lives. Sadly, I had to find the strength to make the heartwrenching decision to say goodbye to my son, his actions and behaviours were totally destroying me. I was enabling him with constantly giving him money, buying him food and doing his washing. Work and studying belonged to the distant past and I had to endure the agony of prison visits and child protection meetings. I continue to hope and pray, that is all that is left now but my heart is full of pain. I truly hope that you and yours find some peace and that addictions can be overcome /supported. It is impossible for people to understand unless they have experienced the nightmare of it all and the catastrophic effects on the addict and their loved ones. No-one at work knows anything and only a couple of my very closest friends. Hope and peace to you all. Thank you for your shared stories which help to relieve the isolation of it all