[Lozzy80]

Hey Navy

I remember thinking  about testing , but then deep down I knew that was never needed… We know our guy instincts really, we alwayspot the clues

Once again my instincts this week were right ????

I’m so gutted right now. I let him back into my heart , I let him get close to my family again. He’s had a bit of a rough time this week so if course straight back to old habits. I can’t go through this anymore … I promised myself I couldn’t allow any more lines to be crossed… Just don’t know what to do I am in such an emotional mess

 

 

[Lozzy80]

Just a quick update from as I’m so tired????It’s been another very stressful week… All the chaos that revolves around him , I’m exhausted and desperately need to focus on some of my own issues but my life has been overtaken with his problems…every single time ????

[Lozzy80]

Having said all that I am grateful to share and listen about your own experiences here, sorry you are all going through this but it is sone help to share with others who really understand .. to be fair this is probably helping me more than any counselling

So a massive thank you for sharing your own stories and advice  , it’s helped me so much xx

[Lozzy80]

Evening all

It sure does mess with our heads , I am in a dark place at the moment and feeling fragile

It’s in moments of calmness the chaos and turmoil catches up with me, I’ve got so many other worries at the moment.

I should be hopeful / relieved he isn’t using right now but it never lasts, we still have money worries and also he replaces the habit wth emotionally depending on me n demanding every spare moment of my time…this is on top of managing my job which is v stressful at the moment… Argh then I hate myself for thinking so negatively of him , he seems to be trying to hard at the moment to stay clean and also support ne..gosh it’s a rubbish feeling

So yes feel so overwhelmed at the moment. Need to get out n do something I enjoy , will try tomorrow to find half hour or so to do something just for me that brings joy n peace…before I end up having a complete breakdown

Still waiting desperately for or counselling, but it’s a free service so could be a long wait , wish I wasn’t in so much debt n financially supporting the both of us so I could pay to go private.

Hope you can all find moments that make you happy and give you peace.. we need them to get us through each day xx

[Lozzy80]

Hi Navy , Lottier and purple heart (and anyone else here!)..

I’ve been fairly numb, and empty since new year. I am finding it hard to keep a journal or even reply here…I can’t explain it …I’m just paralysed at moment  … He has gone into saviour mode , appearing to my family he does nothing but love and support me , whilst battling his mental health demons (they have no idea of the true depths of his demons).

Oh gosh the ordeals Navy I feel we have them crises at least every couple of days…. The nights out that never were , I ended up promising myself this yr no more making plans , buying tickets for gigs, cinema etc cos he always finds a way to sabotage it and get back home asap without going to the gig or watching the film etc , using illness or some crap excuse so he can use at home again ….and it’s just further £ down the drain (having budgeted carefully to even pay for these things) and another chance in time to make new happy memories gone…  The last true happy memories I have are from at least 5 years ago now. So sad.

I think at the moment he knows he needs to try and be on his best behaviour, I think I was definitely getting stronger and ready to walk away. He hasn’t used much at all and is trying to spend time with me …and of course I then feel guilty for wanting to leave …I know he did some last week where he has pretending I haven’t noticed , but he somehow managed to keep a lid on it and not go too crazy or use in front of me.. but I know this must be killing him! He is just waiting for the perfect excuse (i.e. me!) For his next big blow out and then we will be on that merry go round… Will no doubt be on his next pay day ..  I feel so bad for thinking this but I know after so many years how the story goes…  He keeps saying this yr is different , but given his dabble last week and pretence that he hasn’t touched anything yet in 2024…I just know deep down how it’s all going to go.

 

Just hope I can get out of this funk I’m in soon and start working on myself ….and get the courage to finally do what’s right for me

 

[Lozzy80]

Hi Delilah.

I feel your pain. Addiction is so cruel, it robs the sufferer and their loved ones of so much. Hopes and dreams shattered, constant turmoil and chaos. And feeling isolated due to the fear/shame of sharing your situation with friends family.. not that we should feel any shame or guilt at all, but we get promised by our SOs not to say anything – sometimes under the threat that we will just make things worse.

I attended a few of the SMART online support meetings for friends and family (details are on the online support page of this website). I found this really supportive – listening to others going through similar – many shared stories of loved ones having got clean, then relapsing .

with your SO, there does seem to be that glimmer of hope – a whole year sober is fantastic progress,  sadly their relapse s not something in your control and its not a reflection of their love or appreciation of you. hopefully there comes a day where your SO does see sense in stopping again, they have done it before they can do it again… but only if they really want to. I know you already know this, but only they can decide this and it will be a long bumpy road ahead, do what you need to do, for your best interest is my advice.. do not feel guilty if you need to leave , do it.

Wishing you all the best whatever you decide to do

[Lozzy80]

Very true Rosie , my favourite quote is from the Crow when struggling  “It can’t rain all the time”

I was quite down this morning , husband finally snapped last night and showed his nasty side again. I know he is miserable because he is missing doing coke , it’s all he wants to do but for now he is biding his time til he can get enough £ to fund it again..

 

Today I’ve promised myself to just find moments of peace and joy for myself… Self soothing things… Enjoy that cup of tea and super chocolate biscuit , enjoy a short walk in the rain with my dog… And just switch off from his problems for a while and look after myself…need to keep afloat !

 

Hope you all find your ways of coping and appreciating any peaceful moments you can get xx

[Lozzy80]

Well it’s another year…

First most sober Nye both myself and husband have ever had . We managed to watch the fireworks all around us and watched some Xmas films. I’d have loved every minute of it some years ago… But my heart is filled with so much sadness… As these moments I know are fleeting … He says this is going to be the year he changes… But he says this every year… And I used to get my hopes up… But I dont  anymore.

Just feel so stuck and quite sad this morning. Off to see family in a couple of hours so hopefully that will help get me out of this funk.

 

Hope you all are coping ok over NYE/ day …and hope you find peace and happiness in 2024

[Lozzy80]

Hi Rosie

I’m sorry you are also going through this… It’s pure torment

My mental health is shot to pieces so I’m trying to protect myself now and not get too hung up over his issues…easier said than done , I will soon feel at breaking point again soon when he asks for more money .. I have nothing left to give financially or emotionally to be honest

 

I went on anti depressants myself a couple of times but I refuse this time to let it get to me as bad as before…seeing my parents suffer with old age , dementia and now bouts in hospital has been a wake up call, I cannot waste my whole life worrying over him… This time if he wants to walk away I won’t stop him

Sounds like you are in a very difficult situation, but hope you can find a way through it soon try and talk to someone , maybe a counsellor or someone independent to help you see what options you have ..hoping things get better for you in 2024 xxx

[Lozzy80]

Hi Navy

Hope you got through today ok. I know what you mean about the hiding and looking for an argument to be the next excuse to have a blow out.. it gets so draining…

 

My husband has kept his nose clean for last two days only due to staying with mum who needs us right now , my dad really not doing so good  ???? (it was so hard seeing him today in hospital mainly unresponsive:/) whilst husband isbt doing stuff he e is mainly absent …sleeping a lot…where I really could do.with supprt right now… Finding so hard to support everyone else in my family… I have to say this has to be the worst Xmas yet.. I don’t have my own children but do have a  brother and his two young ones who need my support right now (autism /special needs )… Just never known life get any harder than this!

 

[Lozzy80]

<p style=”text-align: left;”>Hi Trina</p>
How much more can you take , you’ve had so much to deal with. Hope you are getting the support you need , it sadly won’t be from him but hope you can turn to family, friends and professional help.

There are many many similar stories of coke addiction in this forum, mine included … Your statement about morning the life you could have had struck a cord with me… I had sooooo much hope, dreams and, goals when I married my husband, I thought we both did… I soon realised however he wasn’t going to be there as a father so I gave up on my dreams we decided best not to have children ????

I wish I could say they recover with a bit of determination and love and support , but you will see from many posts here …love, support , family to live for etc isn’t enough. They need proper help and I think there must be something else that has to happen inside of them for them to recover and remain sober..

Focus only on what you have control over – your own actions, decisions , choices … Start putting yourself and your children front and centre of your life, take care of yourself and spend time with positive people who lift you up not drag you down

It’s all easier said than done…I find keeping a journal and visiting here helps get me back in track . You’ve been through so much so I can tell you are so strong, and you will get through this

I wish you all the best for a peaceful happy future xx

[Lozzy80]

Hi Navy

Your last couple of posts could behave been written by me.

Things have been bought sharply into focus this wk, my dad is in hospital. It was touch n go first 24 hrs. Hubby was miraculously in one of his dry spells breifly so was nice to have his support (made me realise though all the times I felt alone dealing with these family long term health/care issues).. but low and behold he’s back to old habits today leaving me to face the music alone tomorrow. Yet the countless times I’ve been there for him when going through similar…

My husband has mh issues , he uses it as an excuse.. and has also said if I was home with him 24/7 he’d be ok…so I’ve tried it ..guess what… Even that doesn’t work …they find a way , an excuse ..

[Lozzy80]

Hi Marzi..

What a difficult position to be in

Addiction including recovery can be a very personal journey, do you think your dad would have minded his “sponsor” telling you , just feels a bit off this coming from his trusted sponsor and not himself doesn’t it..

Perhaps just reach out without letting him know that you know that peice of info (ask yourself who benefits from letting him know thst you know ..). Take things slow, see if he opens up , gauge where his head is at… Then maybe start to ask the more difficult questions.

Wishing you all the best xx

[Lozzy80]

Lottier

I’m so sorry to hear things are getting worse for you. Why are they so mean ???? Im sure it’s emotional abuse ???? sounds like he is very very controlling. How dare he decide alone to get rid of your dogs hope you have managed to keep them .. he must know he’s actions will really hurt you.

Is he getting the house ready for sale – the decluttering and vanishing personal touches… And the dogs ….just sounds like he is running away from his life and responsibilities… If that’s what rehab is about then I call bull shit ..  it should teach you to become a better person and communicator …not treat your loved ones who have stood by you like crap

I’m devastated for you ????  try and get him out of your mind now and focus on you and your happiness …the more difficult he tries and make it try and fight back….be more determined! Don’t let him see you upset or bothered…for now focus on getting out, with your mental health still in tact xx

 

[Lozzy80]

Hi jubbyj

It’s constant chaos and turmoil and until they get help and their actions show they are wanting to change , it just gets worse

It sounds as though you’re at that point of wanting to leave and to be honest I think it’s probably for the best. Don’t let him drag you down further.

I have been wanting to get out now for a long time but the ok /calmer times I get sucked back in, I still love him and cling onto hope . But it’s totally destroying me.

I’ve realised I need my own help, and I’ve reached out for help now and have a counselling referral currently going through ready to start in the new year – free via NHS.

If the counselling doesn’t help me get to a place where I can leave safely , I don’t know what else I can do…. My final straw was lending thousands to pay off dealers with a promise it was his final wake up call …3 weeks later in exactly same mess again, and the mood swings on top …just had enough!

I find keeping a journal also helps, reminds me I’m not going mad , and identify patterns more so know it’s not me (he will make out it is!)… So thats helped me keep my sanity a bit ….and seeking support here too has helped.

Wishing you strength and a peaceful future xx

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