[Lozzy80]

Hi Hayley and Truly Tired

Been here so many times wrapped up so much in my husbands mental health and addiction, his constant needs , that I’ve neglected myself, my own health and needs. I’m in a very bad place now because of it, and he has shown he couldn’t give a fucking monkey about me. It’s broken me. I’ve stood by him through so much , put up with so much , and when it boils down to it they will do whatever it takes to keep putting their  own interests first- i.e. the addiction

Never have I felt so alone.  I know he isn’t my flesh and blood but I just haven’t been able to walk away …the guilt kept me staying …as I know me walking away will be like pulling the pin from the grenade and throwing it ..

But now it’s to my own severe detriment. I will regret staying for the rest of my life ,????

[Lozzy80]

Hi Nomorein24

Just seen this and thought I’d reply just to say I recognise everything in your final paragraph.

Not sure if they were always narcissists or if the drugs have made them that way.

 

Tonight was yet another new low for me… They happen now and then to remind me I’m better off alone …but yet here I still am. Giving chance after chance..

 

Well done though to you it’s awesome to hear of some positive recovery experiences

I like your forum name , good title

[Lozzy80]

Ok numbness has been replaced with some tears this morning ????

Joni what you had said has twigged something inside me. I still have my mum, but shes getting old and frail…she is the only one I can turn to for support and a roof over my head so I can escape (he will never leave!) ..I went and stayed with mum before , years ago because of this crap but I stupidly went back to him… it’s dawned on me I am on borrowed time I need to reach out for support now before it’s too late…. The thought of not having my mum around has killed me this morning.

But I’m also torn …he has deteriorated back to being so out of his skull again which will go on and on now until a suicide attempt or something horrible … So do I leave when he is vulnerable ..even though he did nothing whilst he was sober for a few weeks to ensure this doesn’t keep happening ?….

Just so torn .

Just done some cleaning with nice smelling /cleaning products and will take a shower then dog for a walk …try get focused and back to calm and in control…that’s the plan..

Hoping all of you are ok ???? and sending positivity and strength to you all xx

[Lozzy80]

The boundaries are for our own sanity and safety .. it won’t stop them I don’t think …like you say he’s suffered some severe consequences and important life events and even then he won’t stop ..

I haven’t quite got out of stuff just yet but I am making baby steps…. Applying for new jobs, arranging days/weekends away with friends etc ..he knows now he won’t be number 1 in my life until hes earned it … And I’m very very close now to leaving and feel more calm and rational about it

[Lozzy80]

Hi Joni

Oh gosh the UK has changed so much …there are 24 hour drinking venues now and rife with alcohol , drugs and knife crime

I’m truly at the end this week .. no more arguments or tears…I’ve gone numb… I’m very very fortunate to still have my mum, it really causes her so much stress though when I leave/fall out with my husband…she doesnt know the full extent at all

Like you my friends have had enough of seeing the change in me , only one knows the full extent and isn’t exactly empathetic even though she had a family with similar issues but she blames her late mum for not standing up for herself against her alcoholic son and I think she’s projecting that now onto me .

I really do think I’m at the end …goodness knows how going  to untangle myself …and will be horrible to watch him go totally off the rails when I leave but I guess that’s part of the manipulation, it has usually kept me here in the past…or he will rack up so much debt and then if I do go soft and take him back he will somehow.make me think the debt is my fault for overreacting and leaving so I have to sort it.

Hopefully not this time .

 

In the UK we can get divorced without lawyers , online ..it will have financial consequences for me I’m sure (he’s good at finding ways to claim compensation etc!).. but I’m last caring …..my sanity comes first

 

[Lozzy80]

Hi khb86

I’m sorry you are going through this too and I don’t have a happy ending to share although after 6 long years of husbands addition spiralling out of control I am now very very slowly clawing back control of my own life.

 

Please focus on your needs, get help for you, do it for your children’s sake..

 

Wishing you all the best xx

[Lozzy80]

I know that turmoil all too well…I’ve given my husband 6 months …constantly for the last 5 years… I went back to him because I was clinging onto hope and he genuinely had me convinced time after time for the first few yrs that he was going to change.

Even this last time before new year and I had to help him pay of £1000s to dealers … I really thought this was his wake up call… But once again he is going through a very rough time (part self inflicted as he doesn’t do anything to change his own situation with work) and he has now relapsed and already starting to rack up debts again with the same dealers that I ended up helping him pay off using up rest of my savings and a credit card.. so this time I really can’t help… I know what’s coming next with the pressure to help again and that he is suicidal and desperate but I think I am now at that point I will never ever lend him that sort of money again, esp as now can see it didn’t stop him using again , which was the whole reason why I helped him pay off, with the purpose being he wouldn’t need to be in contact with them anymore …more fool me …so angry with myself !

[Lozzy80]

I see what you mean about suggesting testing though , to see how committed he is to stopping

My husband has done various things to “prove” his serious about stopping , sometimes I think some part of him genuinely wants to but in the past a lot of it I feel was just for show.. attend a couple of online meetings  , reading a self help book etc… after a few weeks he thinks he has proven himself then it’s back to square one

So so fed up right now ????

[Lozzy80]

Hey Navy

I remember thinking  about testing , but then deep down I knew that was never needed… We know our guy instincts really, we alwayspot the clues

Once again my instincts this week were right ????

I’m so gutted right now. I let him back into my heart , I let him get close to my family again. He’s had a bit of a rough time this week so if course straight back to old habits. I can’t go through this anymore … I promised myself I couldn’t allow any more lines to be crossed… Just don’t know what to do I am in such an emotional mess

 

 

[Lozzy80]

Just a quick update from as I’m so tired????It’s been another very stressful week… All the chaos that revolves around him , I’m exhausted and desperately need to focus on some of my own issues but my life has been overtaken with his problems…every single time ????

[Lozzy80]

Having said all that I am grateful to share and listen about your own experiences here, sorry you are all going through this but it is sone help to share with others who really understand .. to be fair this is probably helping me more than any counselling

So a massive thank you for sharing your own stories and advice  , it’s helped me so much xx

[Lozzy80]

Evening all

It sure does mess with our heads , I am in a dark place at the moment and feeling fragile

It’s in moments of calmness the chaos and turmoil catches up with me, I’ve got so many other worries at the moment.

I should be hopeful / relieved he isn’t using right now but it never lasts, we still have money worries and also he replaces the habit wth emotionally depending on me n demanding every spare moment of my time…this is on top of managing my job which is v stressful at the moment… Argh then I hate myself for thinking so negatively of him , he seems to be trying to hard at the moment to stay clean and also support ne..gosh it’s a rubbish feeling

So yes feel so overwhelmed at the moment. Need to get out n do something I enjoy , will try tomorrow to find half hour or so to do something just for me that brings joy n peace…before I end up having a complete breakdown

Still waiting desperately for or counselling, but it’s a free service so could be a long wait , wish I wasn’t in so much debt n financially supporting the both of us so I could pay to go private.

Hope you can all find moments that make you happy and give you peace.. we need them to get us through each day xx

[Lozzy80]

Hi Navy , Lottier and purple heart (and anyone else here!)..

I’ve been fairly numb, and empty since new year. I am finding it hard to keep a journal or even reply here…I can’t explain it …I’m just paralysed at moment  … He has gone into saviour mode , appearing to my family he does nothing but love and support me , whilst battling his mental health demons (they have no idea of the true depths of his demons).

Oh gosh the ordeals Navy I feel we have them crises at least every couple of days…. The nights out that never were , I ended up promising myself this yr no more making plans , buying tickets for gigs, cinema etc cos he always finds a way to sabotage it and get back home asap without going to the gig or watching the film etc , using illness or some crap excuse so he can use at home again ….and it’s just further £ down the drain (having budgeted carefully to even pay for these things) and another chance in time to make new happy memories gone…  The last true happy memories I have are from at least 5 years ago now. So sad.

I think at the moment he knows he needs to try and be on his best behaviour, I think I was definitely getting stronger and ready to walk away. He hasn’t used much at all and is trying to spend time with me …and of course I then feel guilty for wanting to leave …I know he did some last week where he has pretending I haven’t noticed , but he somehow managed to keep a lid on it and not go too crazy or use in front of me.. but I know this must be killing him! He is just waiting for the perfect excuse (i.e. me!) For his next big blow out and then we will be on that merry go round… Will no doubt be on his next pay day ..  I feel so bad for thinking this but I know after so many years how the story goes…  He keeps saying this yr is different , but given his dabble last week and pretence that he hasn’t touched anything yet in 2024…I just know deep down how it’s all going to go.

 

Just hope I can get out of this funk I’m in soon and start working on myself ….and get the courage to finally do what’s right for me

 

[Lozzy80]

Hi Delilah.

I feel your pain. Addiction is so cruel, it robs the sufferer and their loved ones of so much. Hopes and dreams shattered, constant turmoil and chaos. And feeling isolated due to the fear/shame of sharing your situation with friends family.. not that we should feel any shame or guilt at all, but we get promised by our SOs not to say anything – sometimes under the threat that we will just make things worse.

I attended a few of the SMART online support meetings for friends and family (details are on the online support page of this website). I found this really supportive – listening to others going through similar – many shared stories of loved ones having got clean, then relapsing .

with your SO, there does seem to be that glimmer of hope – a whole year sober is fantastic progress,  sadly their relapse s not something in your control and its not a reflection of their love or appreciation of you. hopefully there comes a day where your SO does see sense in stopping again, they have done it before they can do it again… but only if they really want to. I know you already know this, but only they can decide this and it will be a long bumpy road ahead, do what you need to do, for your best interest is my advice.. do not feel guilty if you need to leave , do it.

Wishing you all the best whatever you decide to do

[Lozzy80]

Very true Rosie , my favourite quote is from the Crow when struggling  “It can’t rain all the time”

I was quite down this morning , husband finally snapped last night and showed his nasty side again. I know he is miserable because he is missing doing coke , it’s all he wants to do but for now he is biding his time til he can get enough £ to fund it again..

 

Today I’ve promised myself to just find moments of peace and joy for myself… Self soothing things… Enjoy that cup of tea and super chocolate biscuit , enjoy a short walk in the rain with my dog… And just switch off from his problems for a while and look after myself…need to keep afloat !

 

Hope you all find your ways of coping and appreciating any peaceful moments you can get xx

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