[Lozzy80]

Hi m

Not just catching up , had a rather busy Easter.  Partners been keeping his nose clean for Nearly a week now but his moods have been intolerable. He’s borrowed further £££ from family to now pay off dealers n just waiting for that next relapse. He says he’s coming with me to my medical appointment next week where I’ll hear some important news about my health n future treatment options. Part of me wants him there he can be a rock in these sort of situations, but it soon comes all  undone by his outrageous mood swings n the drug use

 

Will try find time to join these online meetings really need that outside support of hearing from others in a similar situation xx

[Lozzy80]

Hi Navy

Just catching up here, oh my goodness..  you are so strong and brave, you sound like you have fight in you now, putting yourself first.. hope you are ok, must be all sorts of emotions…hope you finding peace and relief though… Now out of the situation hoping it helps you see things more clearly.

I’m still hanging on in my relationship for now but honestly don’t understand why… It just takes so much courage and energy to leave  and I can’t handle the upheaval right now even though staying causes it’s own stress

I really hope things are improving for you now xx

[Lozzy80]

Sounds like you have reached your decision, when you can imagine a future free of them and it fills you with hope then you know you’re doing the right thing

I think I’m not far off making that decision…made it once before but I was still very much in love with him and missed the old him/us… Where as we are much further on down the line now , there’s been very few happy moments in recent years  to keep me here anymore …just constant turmoil, drama, fights, dispair  and loneliness

I wish you all the best for a peaceful happy future, free from the chaos !

[Lozzy80]

That should say barely recognise! Wish we could edit out posts

[Lozzy80]

Hi m

I hadn’t heard of co anon before I will look into this thank you

We’ve just had another blazing row… He’s on a come down after being on it solid for 8 days. Im so annoyed he lets me walk straight into these arguments , he uses these arguments to say I’m the nasty one, it’s his perfect excuse to be the victim and need to use..

I’m so fed up. I want to leave now it’s gone on for far too long …and I’m finding I nearly recognise the man I married.  Just finding the strength to actually leave , go through divorce and selling the house… He will either make it very very difficult….and certainly nasty.. or he will be happy to see it sold quick so he can get his hand on his share of equity to pay off his dealers and just get coked out of his mind for a good few months

[Lozzy80]

Hi all

 

Things have escalated again (surprise surprise) quite quickly. He reverted to almost normal , appearing caring, happier more positive etc with me and my mum , I stupidly went along with this sharade even though deep down n buried I was anxious about him relapsing

Well of course that happened, and his nasty side has come back. He has crossed my boundaries several times this week , on basis he has no choice cos he’s in too much pain …so now it’s out of necessity for pain n how can I stand in his way!

I am now totally backed into a corner. I had a complete breakdown a few days ago… For about 10 hours I just wanted to die .

Now I’m just filled with fear and regret . Fear about the future and how the hell do I get out of this mess. And regret for not leaving years ago . However there is no rule book… If I leave I can do that but do I just walk away from my house that Ive paid for (he stopped contributing years ago now).  He will also refuse or at least make it very very difficult to sell … I’ve not been able to keep on top of the repairs n decoration due to time and no money left every month.

Just so much to think about, my heads spinning

[Lozzy80]

Sounds horrific Algarvetammy

Addiction creates a vacuum if chaos , anyone in proximity gets sucked into it. I feel so much for you and especially your dad, no one should be treated like this by their own children ????

I’m struggling to walk away from my husband even though I know I have to to survive now , so I can’t say oh just walk away from your brother and friend as if it’s easy.  But it would be for the best. No contact at all is what’s needed, so they can no longer manipulate or harm you or your dad.

 

As for  Your friend, she is big enough to work things out for herself, she’ll have to ..you warned her , and she’s chose her side… Due to her very close contact with your brother I think you need to cut all contact with her too, she’s your brother’s pawn, he will continue to abuse your family through her.

My heart goes out to you , such a sad sad situation

 

[Lozzy80]

Kym

You have made a brave step moving out.  In the early days this might shock him into changing his ways but be warned it may only be brief to win you back . Don’t let any guilt or shame factor creep in …you sound strong….you can love the old him and let him go….they are no longer there

 

Hoping to find my own strength soon to leave and start living again.

Hope you are ok , couple of days now since your post and I know how much can happen in just 48 hours…  Be prepared for a roller coaster of emotions and turmoil  but re-read what you have written here  , or in any journal …. Hopefully it keeps you staying strong…also have your mind set on a goal for you – what do you want to achieve in the next few weeks, 6 months , 1 year…stay focused on these goals and don’t look back xx

[Lozzy80]

Hi,

Good to see boundaries even though it’s so tough to do , and hopefully writing here has helped you reinforce those boundaries

… I haven’t been able to keep my boundaries for long, struggling to understand why but think it’s to do with my own lack of self worth ????

It’s all coming home to roost for me now, both my physical and mental health is shot ..I wish I could go back 5 years when I almost left him….I should have done.

How do you cope living with him? I find it so hard as my husband is very beligerant – which I am learning to ignore , but I cannot ignore how vulnerable he is when he is totally wasted – unsteady on his feet , and like he has dementia so I am there trying my best to keep him safe whilst he is also saying the most hurtful things trying to goad me into an argument.

I hope I can set my own boundaries soon and be mentally free even if have to still live with him

.

[Lozzy80]

Hi Lottier

Nice to hear from you. I know you are right I am thinking things will go very pear shaped again soon.. he has had the odd blip but it will build into chaos again. It’s been nice having him back for a while which is always a double edged sword as it means when he lets me down it hurts so much more. Maybe I should have kept myself closed off … I am on my guard though and first sign of trouble I’ll have to keep my distance, for the sake of my health I have to
<p style=”text-align: left;”>hope you’re ok Xx</p>

[Lozzy80]

Hi Navy

Nice to hear from you although sort it may mean you are still needing to visit here and so sorry to hear you too are not feeling so good , all fingers crossed for you that you are ok , maybe run down from all the stress.

My husband has been playing the supportive dutiful concerned husband which is very unusual however he is still having the odd blip so just dreading that snowballing again soon. He is also still very skint which puts a massive strain on us.

I am having more tests done, which will confirm my course of treatment …I’m just about hanging on at work…it’s sorted of my escape when I’m there although it’s now more difficult with my health. Im also slowly going back to things I enjoy like the gym but harder now I have health issues, just got to find the right balance.  Still waiting for counselling ….that’s turning out rather disappointing through NHS as the assessments were quick (before Xmas!) but now this long wait for the actual counselling

Anyway hope you are ok Navy , we must now take care of ourselves, and put ourselves first xx

[Lozzy80]

Oh Val Raye

Hope it has helped you somewhat bring able to share all your emotions and thoughts here. You are not alone, so many of us going through similar trauma, despair , confusion and misery

When my husband is at his worst all I want to do is escape , will stay at my mum’s a few days or at least I used to, but then come back as I’d worry about him having an accident or burning the house down. I have spent countless hours trying to work out my rights , but it seems we both have a legal right to stay in the house …and my goodness he will.make it so hard to sell up and divorce…it will probably end up costing £££ in court fees so that there’d be nothing at all left to help us both move on.  I don’t think ppl who haven’t been through this sort of relationship get that – they do t understand why we stay… But sometimes there really feels there is no alternative

Sorry this is rubbish advice for you! However you do have your children to fight for , they deserve peace. Whilst our partners might not be physically violent their behaviour is abusive so one option may be to speak to a domestic violence charity, if in UK there is women’s aid or search for the domestic violent hotline , start getting sign posted to help – they might be able to offer free legal advice and some counselling.

In the past I have spoken a few times on the DV helpline , it helped during the really bad years although for my own situation their only advice was to leave him and my home and possibly go to a refuge.

Aw hope you find a solution soon…I hope we all do Xx

[Lozzy80]

Just an update from me as been a couple of weeks , I don’t expect any reply just leaving it here I guess for my own journal of what’s been going on

He didn’t go totally off the rails after my last post although the cold turkey wasn’t pretty… He has had a few more lapses since then but not quite so severe. Obviously more debt then followed now he is borrowing large sums from family to cover these lapses.

Not sure it this is what has slightly sobered him up but I had some crap news last week about my health – totally out the blue when checking for something else.

I’ve shed  a couple of tears but stranglely not much , I feel quite numb, as though all of this is happening to someone else and not me.  I think I will always wonder whether the health issue I now have was triggered by the stress and trauma of the last half a decade ????

anyone reading this who is living in chaos and trauma due to their loved ones addiction my advice would be to break free , look after yourselves and your health xx

 

 

[Lozzy80]

I’m so sorry this is happening to you, and sorry there’s been no reply until now, this forum goes very quiet at times, and certain threads disappear for a bit ????

 

If you read other posts on here you will see just how many of us spend so much time wondering how we can help our loved one overcome addiction and we give chance after chance , holding onto hope things will change…. .sometimes they do but it’s a long journey and in the meantime we have to take care of ourselves

I hope you are looking after you , all this trauma impacts us more than we realise until one day we get very sick and realise , often with regret , that we forgot to take care of ourselves .. im in that awful place right now. I’m reaching out now for counselling to try and understand myself better as to why I have never kept boundaries and looked after myself. I was one of those who never thought any of this would ever happen to me . I now have 3 different life limiting illnesses, at least one of which I am sure was caused by the trauma of last 5 years , and all 3 exsacerbated by it

So PLEASE look after yourself , reach out to friends and family if you can , speak to your GP /counselling services if haven’t already… And do something nice every single day for YOU .

 

Wishing you all the best, and get to read this and to know you are not alone Xx

[Lozzy80]

That’s great doodlemum …recovery is a long road but can be possible have all fingers crossed for your husband

Smart recovery has local and  online meetings for both recovering addicts and a friend and family meeting too …I went to a couple online for the f&f I found they were of some help, we discussed things like setting boundaries, what’s in our control v not in our control and how to deal with lapses

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