[Lozzy80]

Hi,

Good to see boundaries even though it’s so tough to do , and hopefully writing here has helped you reinforce those boundaries

… I haven’t been able to keep my boundaries for long, struggling to understand why but think it’s to do with my own lack of self worth ????

It’s all coming home to roost for me now, both my physical and mental health is shot ..I wish I could go back 5 years when I almost left him….I should have done.

How do you cope living with him? I find it so hard as my husband is very beligerant – which I am learning to ignore , but I cannot ignore how vulnerable he is when he is totally wasted – unsteady on his feet , and like he has dementia so I am there trying my best to keep him safe whilst he is also saying the most hurtful things trying to goad me into an argument.

I hope I can set my own boundaries soon and be mentally free even if have to still live with him

.

[Lozzy80]

Hi Lottier

Nice to hear from you. I know you are right I am thinking things will go very pear shaped again soon.. he has had the odd blip but it will build into chaos again. It’s been nice having him back for a while which is always a double edged sword as it means when he lets me down it hurts so much more. Maybe I should have kept myself closed off … I am on my guard though and first sign of trouble I’ll have to keep my distance, for the sake of my health I have to
<p style=”text-align: left;”>hope you’re ok Xx</p>

[Lozzy80]

Hi Navy

Nice to hear from you although sort it may mean you are still needing to visit here and so sorry to hear you too are not feeling so good , all fingers crossed for you that you are ok , maybe run down from all the stress.

My husband has been playing the supportive dutiful concerned husband which is very unusual however he is still having the odd blip so just dreading that snowballing again soon. He is also still very skint which puts a massive strain on us.

I am having more tests done, which will confirm my course of treatment …I’m just about hanging on at work…it’s sorted of my escape when I’m there although it’s now more difficult with my health. Im also slowly going back to things I enjoy like the gym but harder now I have health issues, just got to find the right balance.  Still waiting for counselling ….that’s turning out rather disappointing through NHS as the assessments were quick (before Xmas!) but now this long wait for the actual counselling

Anyway hope you are ok Navy , we must now take care of ourselves, and put ourselves first xx

[Lozzy80]

Oh Val Raye

Hope it has helped you somewhat bring able to share all your emotions and thoughts here. You are not alone, so many of us going through similar trauma, despair , confusion and misery

When my husband is at his worst all I want to do is escape , will stay at my mum’s a few days or at least I used to, but then come back as I’d worry about him having an accident or burning the house down. I have spent countless hours trying to work out my rights , but it seems we both have a legal right to stay in the house …and my goodness he will.make it so hard to sell up and divorce…it will probably end up costing £££ in court fees so that there’d be nothing at all left to help us both move on.  I don’t think ppl who haven’t been through this sort of relationship get that – they do t understand why we stay… But sometimes there really feels there is no alternative

Sorry this is rubbish advice for you! However you do have your children to fight for , they deserve peace. Whilst our partners might not be physically violent their behaviour is abusive so one option may be to speak to a domestic violence charity, if in UK there is women’s aid or search for the domestic violent hotline , start getting sign posted to help – they might be able to offer free legal advice and some counselling.

In the past I have spoken a few times on the DV helpline , it helped during the really bad years although for my own situation their only advice was to leave him and my home and possibly go to a refuge.

Aw hope you find a solution soon…I hope we all do Xx

[Lozzy80]

Just an update from me as been a couple of weeks , I don’t expect any reply just leaving it here I guess for my own journal of what’s been going on

He didn’t go totally off the rails after my last post although the cold turkey wasn’t pretty… He has had a few more lapses since then but not quite so severe. Obviously more debt then followed now he is borrowing large sums from family to cover these lapses.

Not sure it this is what has slightly sobered him up but I had some crap news last week about my health – totally out the blue when checking for something else.

I’ve shed  a couple of tears but stranglely not much , I feel quite numb, as though all of this is happening to someone else and not me.  I think I will always wonder whether the health issue I now have was triggered by the stress and trauma of the last half a decade ????

anyone reading this who is living in chaos and trauma due to their loved ones addiction my advice would be to break free , look after yourselves and your health xx

 

 

[Lozzy80]

I’m so sorry this is happening to you, and sorry there’s been no reply until now, this forum goes very quiet at times, and certain threads disappear for a bit ????

 

If you read other posts on here you will see just how many of us spend so much time wondering how we can help our loved one overcome addiction and we give chance after chance , holding onto hope things will change…. .sometimes they do but it’s a long journey and in the meantime we have to take care of ourselves

I hope you are looking after you , all this trauma impacts us more than we realise until one day we get very sick and realise , often with regret , that we forgot to take care of ourselves .. im in that awful place right now. I’m reaching out now for counselling to try and understand myself better as to why I have never kept boundaries and looked after myself. I was one of those who never thought any of this would ever happen to me . I now have 3 different life limiting illnesses, at least one of which I am sure was caused by the trauma of last 5 years , and all 3 exsacerbated by it

So PLEASE look after yourself , reach out to friends and family if you can , speak to your GP /counselling services if haven’t already… And do something nice every single day for YOU .

 

Wishing you all the best, and get to read this and to know you are not alone Xx

[Lozzy80]

That’s great doodlemum …recovery is a long road but can be possible have all fingers crossed for your husband

Smart recovery has local and  online meetings for both recovering addicts and a friend and family meeting too …I went to a couple online for the f&f I found they were of some help, we discussed things like setting boundaries, what’s in our control v not in our control and how to deal with lapses

[Lozzy80]

Hi Hayley and Truly Tired

Been here so many times wrapped up so much in my husbands mental health and addiction, his constant needs , that I’ve neglected myself, my own health and needs. I’m in a very bad place now because of it, and he has shown he couldn’t give a fucking monkey about me. It’s broken me. I’ve stood by him through so much , put up with so much , and when it boils down to it they will do whatever it takes to keep putting their  own interests first- i.e. the addiction

Never have I felt so alone.  I know he isn’t my flesh and blood but I just haven’t been able to walk away …the guilt kept me staying …as I know me walking away will be like pulling the pin from the grenade and throwing it ..

But now it’s to my own severe detriment. I will regret staying for the rest of my life ,????

[Lozzy80]

Hi Nomorein24

Just seen this and thought I’d reply just to say I recognise everything in your final paragraph.

Not sure if they were always narcissists or if the drugs have made them that way.

 

Tonight was yet another new low for me… They happen now and then to remind me I’m better off alone …but yet here I still am. Giving chance after chance..

 

Well done though to you it’s awesome to hear of some positive recovery experiences

I like your forum name , good title

[Lozzy80]

Ok numbness has been replaced with some tears this morning ????

Joni what you had said has twigged something inside me. I still have my mum, but shes getting old and frail…she is the only one I can turn to for support and a roof over my head so I can escape (he will never leave!) ..I went and stayed with mum before , years ago because of this crap but I stupidly went back to him… it’s dawned on me I am on borrowed time I need to reach out for support now before it’s too late…. The thought of not having my mum around has killed me this morning.

But I’m also torn …he has deteriorated back to being so out of his skull again which will go on and on now until a suicide attempt or something horrible … So do I leave when he is vulnerable ..even though he did nothing whilst he was sober for a few weeks to ensure this doesn’t keep happening ?….

Just so torn .

Just done some cleaning with nice smelling /cleaning products and will take a shower then dog for a walk …try get focused and back to calm and in control…that’s the plan..

Hoping all of you are ok ???? and sending positivity and strength to you all xx

[Lozzy80]

The boundaries are for our own sanity and safety .. it won’t stop them I don’t think …like you say he’s suffered some severe consequences and important life events and even then he won’t stop ..

I haven’t quite got out of stuff just yet but I am making baby steps…. Applying for new jobs, arranging days/weekends away with friends etc ..he knows now he won’t be number 1 in my life until hes earned it … And I’m very very close now to leaving and feel more calm and rational about it

[Lozzy80]

Hi Joni

Oh gosh the UK has changed so much …there are 24 hour drinking venues now and rife with alcohol , drugs and knife crime

I’m truly at the end this week .. no more arguments or tears…I’ve gone numb… I’m very very fortunate to still have my mum, it really causes her so much stress though when I leave/fall out with my husband…she doesnt know the full extent at all

Like you my friends have had enough of seeing the change in me , only one knows the full extent and isn’t exactly empathetic even though she had a family with similar issues but she blames her late mum for not standing up for herself against her alcoholic son and I think she’s projecting that now onto me .

I really do think I’m at the end …goodness knows how going  to untangle myself …and will be horrible to watch him go totally off the rails when I leave but I guess that’s part of the manipulation, it has usually kept me here in the past…or he will rack up so much debt and then if I do go soft and take him back he will somehow.make me think the debt is my fault for overreacting and leaving so I have to sort it.

Hopefully not this time .

 

In the UK we can get divorced without lawyers , online ..it will have financial consequences for me I’m sure (he’s good at finding ways to claim compensation etc!).. but I’m last caring …..my sanity comes first

 

[Lozzy80]

Hi khb86

I’m sorry you are going through this too and I don’t have a happy ending to share although after 6 long years of husbands addition spiralling out of control I am now very very slowly clawing back control of my own life.

 

Please focus on your needs, get help for you, do it for your children’s sake..

 

Wishing you all the best xx

[Lozzy80]

I know that turmoil all too well…I’ve given my husband 6 months …constantly for the last 5 years… I went back to him because I was clinging onto hope and he genuinely had me convinced time after time for the first few yrs that he was going to change.

Even this last time before new year and I had to help him pay of £1000s to dealers … I really thought this was his wake up call… But once again he is going through a very rough time (part self inflicted as he doesn’t do anything to change his own situation with work) and he has now relapsed and already starting to rack up debts again with the same dealers that I ended up helping him pay off using up rest of my savings and a credit card.. so this time I really can’t help… I know what’s coming next with the pressure to help again and that he is suicidal and desperate but I think I am now at that point I will never ever lend him that sort of money again, esp as now can see it didn’t stop him using again , which was the whole reason why I helped him pay off, with the purpose being he wouldn’t need to be in contact with them anymore …more fool me …so angry with myself !

[Lozzy80]

I see what you mean about suggesting testing though , to see how committed he is to stopping

My husband has done various things to “prove” his serious about stopping , sometimes I think some part of him genuinely wants to but in the past a lot of it I feel was just for show.. attend a couple of online meetings  , reading a self help book etc… after a few weeks he thinks he has proven himself then it’s back to square one

So so fed up right now ????

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