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Purpleheart – our stories are so similar. So similar. You describe so much of it the same that I would, but in my story it started decades ago. Before devices were around that I could try to figure out where my husband was going. No trackers, no cellphones. How would I even believe what was happening then. I wouldn’t and shouldn’t be here with him now if I could have known then. I noticed he was different and found it so scary. I didn’t tell anyone. I was alone and pregnant with our first born. Alone and scared. He wouldn’t tell me anything and would leave everyday for hours and hours and hours. Come home, go to sleep, go to work, then leave again. I’m impressed that you confronted your husband. I didn’t confront mine. I was too scared. He went unchecked for about 5 years, when I finally did. I’m mad at myself for that, but I never would have guessed coke. How could I? I didn’t know. This is my husband. My protector. I still can’t get this to make sense. My husband was a long time cannabis smoker up to that point, but he was never like this before. I didn’t know anything about coke or any other drugs could change someone so much. Did your husband also smoke/consume cannabis before his addiction alcohol and coke? So many of the addicts start and/or are at their worst when their spouses are pregnant and/or when their children are very young. Maybe this a coincidence. Those years of our lives are over and it hurts that during those years he was so awful. There is no do over and it is hard for me still to watch other couples enjoy this part of their lives together – when our own lives were so messed up dealing with all the things that you mentioned. I want to get past this, but I don’t know how. He still minimizes this on the rare occasions that we talk about it. But, really – what can he possibly say or do to make it better? So, I hope and pray that there is something that I will read or hear about that will make it better for us – so I can move on from this.
Hi James. Thanks for being here and for asking. Hope that you are doing good.
I understand. The lonely, the sadness, the all of it. We hardly ever look at each other, talk to each other. We sleep in separate rooms. So weird. He is probably used to me coming to him, but I haven’t been and I don’t think that I will. It seems that my feelings don’t matter to him. When did that stop? How did I miss that? I loved him too much, so much so – that I missed the point where I should have turned around and mentioned that I noticed that he just didn’t care anymore. He cheated so much that maybe it got him to where he didn’t care. I don’t know really because I didn’t cheat and didn’t ever disrespect him – ever all this time. Why did I stay so loyal? Where did it get me? Alone and confused. And, maybe he will just cheat some more. He doesn’t validate my feelings, or answer my questions. So, I quit mentioning my feelings and quit asking my questions. Instead, I moved to the spare room because it hurts too much. He doesn’t say goodnight to me, or even try to make anything better. We don’t argue. We just aren’t. We were probably over a long time ago, but I didn’t figure it out then. I didn’t know. I wasn’t expecting that. I wished that I could have had a chance to prepare, to get ready for this. For years we are and then we just aren’t. I come in here and nobody has the answers. I wish I knew what to do. I don’t know him. I don’t know what we have. I wonder if we will always be like this for the rest of our lives. For another 10 – 30 years, however long God decides that we live. Together – but separate. It’s too sad, too lonely. How can I do this? Has anybody here lived like this – for all that time?
‘The lies, unfaithfulness, broken trust is this all through the coke?’
No. It can’t be. There are too many steps to get there. Our addicts choose these behaviors for their coveted drug/drink. They know what they are doing and choose to do it anyway. You have described the traumatic life of a woman in love and totally committed to an addict. It is lonely, scary, and confusing to watch this person that you love change into something else – when you are looking right at them. They don’t magically change back into who they WERE before drugs after they quit the drugs. Don’t be fooled. The devil is running this show. If your decision is to stay, leave, or somewhere inbetween – then add this part into your decisions.
Hope that you are all doing well.
This is a post that you don’t read very often in here.
Think-positive – I hope you are still clean and doing well. Your insight and comments can help many who visit this site.
I’ve been spending my nights in the spare room, so hard to sleep. My cat keeps me company. I’m so stressed out, trying to calm myself down so that I can get some rest, but I can only sleep about 4 hours or so. Then I lay here awake. How does it come to this? I have always been all in, while he continues to lie. After all these years, I keep wondering why I have been so good to him. Why? Why have I wasted all my life on a man who has cheated so many times and lies. I should have left him years ago. My advice – get yourself out of this crazy stuff, don’t have children with him, sort yourself out, and never choose this again. Nobody is worth it. He quit coke decades ago. It doesn’t go back to where you were before coke, weed, alcohol, whatever. I wish someone would have told me that decades ago, or I could have just believed it myself. So, I am telling you now – run for your lives ladies. Go to therapy and figure out why you chose this person before the best years of your life is gone forever. If you feel that he is cheating – that is because he is cheating. If you feel that he is lying – that is because he is lying. Trust yourself. The person that you fell in love with is gone. Gone forever. Sorry for your loss.
You are so right. I didn’t trust my own gut, or my own heart. I loved him too much. And, the weird behaviors started when so many good things were happening for us after years of being in love and in a solid relationship, new house, pregnant with our first, and me graduating college. How could our love story be over. Can’t be true. We met fifty years ago when we were so young. When my instincts were telling me something was really wrong, I refused to believe it. He treated me so badly for no reason. So, I didn’t look at it. Prayed for us and tried to make it ok for me and our kids. Only now am I am beginning to learn his truths and I am shattered. How do I make it ok for myself now? I don’t even know where to begin.
Hi rachy323: AA suggests ‘One Day At A Time’, but this can be too much. ‘One Moment At A Time’ makes more sense. It’s more manageable. You say that you don’t enjoy drinking, so in that moment – do instead something that you do enjoy. Something that does help you feel better about yourself. Remember who you are and what you want.
My experience is that he used coke causally for several years when it was available. He probably was not buying it for himself during this time, but would join in with other coworkers who were using and not thinking much of it during these random moments Then after increased and more frequent free sessions, he became overwhelmed with it. He never told me any of this. Just my observations of him, and remembering how he was. Then his behavior changed drastically – literally overnight. A real life horror story. It still scares me all these years years later. More so now, as I know more about what happened (his recollections and my memories) and all the information that is now available about this drug. Educate yourself about this drug, how it is made. What it actually is. This drug causes temporary/permanent mental illness and death. You don’t want it anywhere near your children.
Me telling my husband’s parents about his drug use was one of several things that happened before he quit using. He wasn’t happy about this, but so what. Secrets only enabled him. The whole thing for all the years before was his secret, from me, them, and anybody that really mattered. His parents didn’t get involved so much, it was just him knowing that they knew about it that caught his attention in his coked up head. I don’t believe that we really negotiated anything. And, I’m not convinced that negotiations with a coke user is even possible. It doesn’t really matter what you say or do. I told his parents for really only one reason, I was convinced that he was going to kill himself and I figured that they needed to know that before he did it. It was one of the decisions that I made on my own. To this day – I do not regret it. Trust your decisions, whatever they are. You need yourself to get though this kind of trauma. You will know what you need to do, when you need to do it, the answers just come to you. Most often when least expect it, like when you’re folding the laundry, cleaning the closet, working in the garden. You just know. And, if you should be wrong with one of your decisions, so what! You did the best that you could have in an impossible and drastic situation.
What would I do? Leave, and go where he can NEVER find me again – hopefully.
This is what this alcohol and drugs does – turns our loved ones into weirdos. You cannot fix this. Save yourself.
I will pray that you will put a plan in place and get away from him. If you don’t, you may never be happy or safe again.
My family; Awful that you have this situation. It’s so hard when children are involved. Right now, without further delay, seek some support for yourself and your baby. He has told you to move on without him, and you really need to. It will be easier on you and your child in the long run if you do. Try to find a group support for single mothers and even a Nar-Anon group. I found both through a local church years ago that helped me in so many ways. You can find so many resources in your area. You have it better than some here – that he has left. It is so difficult to have a relationship with an actively using addict. Not safe for you or your baby to be in that situation. It’s not a life you want. It’s much worse than being abandoned by someone that you love. The lies, disappearing, stealing, no financial stability, cheating, criminal behavior, and in some cases – violence, etc. The person that you thought that you loved, doesn’t exist anymore, because the drugs transform them into someone who doesn’t care anymore. Not about themselves, their spouses, their parents, even their own children. It is horrific to watch it happen – while you are looking right at them. So scary. A real life horror show. It is traumatic. Look at it for what it really is. You need to, and your child needs for you to. It’s the only way to a better life for you and your child. Many think that if the addict stops using – then all returns back to normal. Not entirely true. The addict has also traumatized themselves and in most cases have permanently damaged themselves mentally and even physically. Many continue for years with struggling through debilitating relapses, treatment, rehabs, and financial situations. Traumatizing for children brought up while this goes on through their lifetimes. Not many success stories in here, but you can make your story one of them. I pray that you will.
So scary and lonely. I remember. First of all, get resources from your family, church, neighborhood, etc, to take care and protect your children and yourself. Report him missing, so there are people looking for him. Do you have a family member or trusted friend who can come stay with you or you and your children can stay with? If and when he does show up, it might not be safe for you and your children to be around him. Looking back on my own situation, I would have changed the locks on the doors and not let him in until he was in recovery. You can’t fix him. You can’t save him. But you can save your children and yourself. Reach out to trusted sources now. Don’t wait any longer. You must prepare yourself and figure out a way to provide for your children and yourself. Awful that you have to go through this. Prayers.
Belle80: Yes, I think so. I’m thinking that I haven’t forgiven my husband either. He hid the coke addiction for about 5 years and it was about 35 years ago when he quit it. At that time, I decided that I wanted to give us a chance to see if we could leave it behind and be happy. We did and we have been happy. I never thought about it and we never talked about it. Until we did about five years ago and he confessed that he had cheated numerous times during those years. Added to all that he had put me through with it – I have been overwhelmed all over again. He has never been the way that he was during the coke years. I didn’t know that person. He was so different – all negatives. I just left it there. And, then it was in front of me again all the years later. I didn’t forgive him then, and I don’t think I can now. Not sure why. The betrayal is so great and it doesn’t make sense to me. I don’t understand any of it and I probably do not and never will know all of it. He has told me that he is embarrassed, ashamed, feels guilty, and remorseful. And, I believe that he is. But, we did leave it behind and found a way forward all those years ago. I believe that we can again.