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<p style=”text-align: left;”>Anon369: My advice. Figure a way for yourself to get out of this. Fast forward and he will owe you double, triple, more. Drugs make it so they don’t care, not about you, not about children, not about jobs, nothing. They care only about themselves and getting high. He is showing you this right now. Get out of it. If you don’t have children with him – feel blessed. If you don’t own this home, feel blessed – leave it. If you are young – feel blessed – that you CAN start over (many of us can’t). You can’t fix him. Only he can do that, and most likely (read the stories here) he won’t.</p>
(I typed Lozzy, but it auto corrected me)
Sorry Lizzy: That you have to deal with all this. Really is awful. My holidays aren’t looking so good either. He continues to tell me that he doesn’t love me and didn’t talk to me or even look at me all day on our wedding anniversary. It’s messed up. But, I still will try to have a happy holiday, so I’ll make a plan just in case – if I find myself alone on Christmas. Let’s all work on that.
Hi Anna. Hope that you are doing well. So great that you are committed to getting out of your active addiction. Curious what you are addicted to and how you became into this situation. When and how were you able to realize that it was interfering with your life? Come back and keep posting with updates on your progress.
Purpleheart – our stories are so similar. So similar. You describe so much of it the same that I would, but in my story it started decades ago. Before devices were around that I could try to figure out where my husband was going. No trackers, no cellphones. How would I even believe what was happening then. I wouldn’t and shouldn’t be here with him now if I could have known then. I noticed he was different and found it so scary. I didn’t tell anyone. I was alone and pregnant with our first born. Alone and scared. He wouldn’t tell me anything and would leave everyday for hours and hours and hours. Come home, go to sleep, go to work, then leave again. I’m impressed that you confronted your husband. I didn’t confront mine. I was too scared. He went unchecked for about 5 years, when I finally did. I’m mad at myself for that, but I never would have guessed coke. How could I? I didn’t know. This is my husband. My protector. I still can’t get this to make sense. My husband was a long time cannabis smoker up to that point, but he was never like this before. I didn’t know anything about coke or any other drugs could change someone so much. Did your husband also smoke/consume cannabis before his addiction alcohol and coke? So many of the addicts start and/or are at their worst when their spouses are pregnant and/or when their children are very young. Maybe this a coincidence. Those years of our lives are over and it hurts that during those years he was so awful. There is no do over and it is hard for me still to watch other couples enjoy this part of their lives together – when our own lives were so messed up dealing with all the things that you mentioned. I want to get past this, but I don’t know how. He still minimizes this on the rare occasions that we talk about it. But, really – what can he possibly say or do to make it better? So, I hope and pray that there is something that I will read or hear about that will make it better for us – so I can move on from this.
Hi James. Thanks for being here and for asking. Hope that you are doing good.
I understand. The lonely, the sadness, the all of it. We hardly ever look at each other, talk to each other. We sleep in separate rooms. So weird. He is probably used to me coming to him, but I haven’t been and I don’t think that I will. It seems that my feelings don’t matter to him. When did that stop? How did I miss that? I loved him too much, so much so – that I missed the point where I should have turned around and mentioned that I noticed that he just didn’t care anymore. He cheated so much that maybe it got him to where he didn’t care. I don’t know really because I didn’t cheat and didn’t ever disrespect him – ever all this time. Why did I stay so loyal? Where did it get me? Alone and confused. And, maybe he will just cheat some more. He doesn’t validate my feelings, or answer my questions. So, I quit mentioning my feelings and quit asking my questions. Instead, I moved to the spare room because it hurts too much. He doesn’t say goodnight to me, or even try to make anything better. We don’t argue. We just aren’t. We were probably over a long time ago, but I didn’t figure it out then. I didn’t know. I wasn’t expecting that. I wished that I could have had a chance to prepare, to get ready for this. For years we are and then we just aren’t. I come in here and nobody has the answers. I wish I knew what to do. I don’t know him. I don’t know what we have. I wonder if we will always be like this for the rest of our lives. For another 10 – 30 years, however long God decides that we live. Together – but separate. It’s too sad, too lonely. How can I do this? Has anybody here lived like this – for all that time?
‘The lies, unfaithfulness, broken trust is this all through the coke?’
No. It can’t be. There are too many steps to get there. Our addicts choose these behaviors for their coveted drug/drink. They know what they are doing and choose to do it anyway. You have described the traumatic life of a woman in love and totally committed to an addict. It is lonely, scary, and confusing to watch this person that you love change into something else – when you are looking right at them. They don’t magically change back into who they WERE before drugs after they quit the drugs. Don’t be fooled. The devil is running this show. If your decision is to stay, leave, or somewhere inbetween – then add this part into your decisions.
Hope that you are all doing well.
This is a post that you don’t read very often in here.
Think-positive – I hope you are still clean and doing well. Your insight and comments can help many who visit this site.
I’ve been spending my nights in the spare room, so hard to sleep. My cat keeps me company. I’m so stressed out, trying to calm myself down so that I can get some rest, but I can only sleep about 4 hours or so. Then I lay here awake. How does it come to this? I have always been all in, while he continues to lie. After all these years, I keep wondering why I have been so good to him. Why? Why have I wasted all my life on a man who has cheated so many times and lies. I should have left him years ago. My advice – get yourself out of this crazy stuff, don’t have children with him, sort yourself out, and never choose this again. Nobody is worth it. He quit coke decades ago. It doesn’t go back to where you were before coke, weed, alcohol, whatever. I wish someone would have told me that decades ago, or I could have just believed it myself. So, I am telling you now – run for your lives ladies. Go to therapy and figure out why you chose this person before the best years of your life is gone forever. If you feel that he is cheating – that is because he is cheating. If you feel that he is lying – that is because he is lying. Trust yourself. The person that you fell in love with is gone. Gone forever. Sorry for your loss.
You are so right. I didn’t trust my own gut, or my own heart. I loved him too much. And, the weird behaviors started when so many good things were happening for us after years of being in love and in a solid relationship, new house, pregnant with our first, and me graduating college. How could our love story be over. Can’t be true. We met fifty years ago when we were so young. When my instincts were telling me something was really wrong, I refused to believe it. He treated me so badly for no reason. So, I didn’t look at it. Prayed for us and tried to make it ok for me and our kids. Only now am I am beginning to learn his truths and I am shattered. How do I make it ok for myself now? I don’t even know where to begin.
Hi rachy323: AA suggests ‘One Day At A Time’, but this can be too much. ‘One Moment At A Time’ makes more sense. It’s more manageable. You say that you don’t enjoy drinking, so in that moment – do instead something that you do enjoy. Something that does help you feel better about yourself. Remember who you are and what you want.