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I don’t know what to do my son is in his mid 30’s and has lost his home his car and only goes to work to get money for cocaine. We bought him a small business and a car and told him to pay back what he can weekly. He’s not paid a penny back. We told him he could stay with us as long as he kept his space clean and didn’t smoke the really strong dope as it makes both my husband and I feel physically sick. He kept smoking it and my husband told him to find somewhere else to stay. That was a year ago and he’s came back saying he’s nowhere to go during lockdown. I am shielding and now he’s in our caravan in the garden not going to work borrowing money and saying he’s ill and can’t go to work. My husband has gave up and doesn’t speak to him and is angry at me for letting him stay in the caravan but I’m his mother and don’t know what else to do.
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I sympathise with you I’m also a mother of a son with drug and alcohol problems. It’s the hardest situation. Today I told my son who has been in a 2 week bender staying at various place and not socially distancing that I wldnt let him back to live. He was out of his mind on drugs and I have a younger son in the house I didnt want him under our roof in that state. I’m worried sick as I’ve made him homeless but felt I had
no choice. All the helplines I’ve spoken to have said as hes an adult he has to seek help himself and I have to let him reach rock bottom. So hard to do but I do feel that his life is making me miserable and I’ve got to stand firm. Your son is in his forties maybe your husband is right and maybe he also has to reach rock bottom, ? But such difficult choices for mums….they are still our babies. I hope your situation changes for you.
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Hi bump I am a sister of a dead beautiful brother to alcohol.. please understand you have not made your son homeless my mum and dad kept my brother safe and warm but he stilled lost his life to alcohol I wish they had treated him with cruel love because he may still be here today xx be proud of yourself you are doing what best for your son x
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Omg this is my worse nightmare. My thoughts are with you and your parents. We can only do what we think is best xx
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Xxxxx
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Just reading back over my messages. I am now a bereaved mum due to drugs and the dealers who wouldn’t leave my son alone. I read my sons drs notes he asked for help he was honest about his addiction he got anti depressants where’s the help for them
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Hi bump 22. I’m new to this site. I am in the same position as you. Worried sick about my 19 year old son. Haven’t heard from him in 7 days. I suspect he’s selling drugs to pay for his habit now. I don’t know how to get my boy back that was once so well mannered and respectful. I have 2 young daughters so I had to kick him out after he smashed his room up. I can’t put into words how heart breaking it is. Seeing you post made me feel not alone. Sending love to you.
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It’s a shame that more than one of us feel the same pain but thank goodness that this forum exists to make us realise that we arnt alone and we arnt bad people.
It can happen to any family.
I dont think I will ever get over the pain we have gone through and the fact my son seems mentally changed forever.
I have no relationship now with my son on the rare occasions we speak he ends up erupting over something then blocking me for weeks. The last time all I did was ask how he was doing….his paranoia kicked in and he accused me of spying g on him.
Very sad. U had no choice to kick him out which he hates me for but I know that I did right by my ten year old which counts.
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Yes you did do right. Your very young child should never have to see any of this. We wouldn’t tolerate a stranger doing this to us, unconditional love is a really dangerous and disingenuous saying as all addicts need boundaries set by their families, so there are conditions, it isn’t and never should be unconditional love because that enables. Well done for taking the steps you have and please don’t see it as a failure, see it as responsible parenting for both the addicted child and the 10 year old x
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well im not sure if it is the right decision, i am worried sick especially as now i don’t know where he is and what he is doing.
Its such as a shame as he came back home to live and he did a month of being clean and then relapsed but its such a circle as he doesnt seem to maintain it and wont engage in services he dips in and does one session with a service and then says it doesnt help and so back to square one.
im worried sick im sure he has a mental heal issue now, but its such a hard decision. im stuck between a rock and a hard place, dammed if i do dammed if i dont and im sure you feel the same.
Try not to let him ruin your relationship with your husband otherwise his drug problem is ruining elements of your life and not just his……easy for me to say all this as i know it really feels like a hopeless situation.
Have you received counselling to talk over how your are being affected? Im having some at the moment, its not a magic wand by any means and i wish someone could just tell me the right thing to do but it does make me feel better talking to an outsider and not feel judged, i struggle to speak to friends as i feel so ashamed.
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Hi I have just joined and totally relate to you my daughter has schizophrenia and drug abuse issues with coke, she started at 15 with weed then at uni became really mentally unwell she is now 30 and I am beside myself with worry I’ve tried every approach and ultimately it’s up to her to do the right thing, the only time she got well was in psychiatric rehab but now she’s out she’s not eating and taking drugs again she looks so I’ll I’m just waiting for the phonecall.
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Welcome to the forum M82. I hope you find this place a source of understanding and a place to share the crazy life of loving an addict. It’s been very helpful for me. ????
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Amazing to read your conversation Theresa with bump 22. I’m relieved to know I’m not alone. I resonate so much with what you said. Such similar situations. I’m new to this group so hopefully you don’t mind me commenting on your thread. I feel guilty when I enjoy time with my young daughters knowing my son is homeless and probably off his head. I’ve offered him so much help and support but he’s not interested. He wants to do his own thing he said with no rules. It makes me wonder where I went so wrong with him. ????
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Wow that’s the exact age we started having issues with my son..not the drugs but the start of problems..I’m not surprised you’ve had enough of him. Good luck.
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I can relate to this my son has stolen from me, a lot of money. I am broken but he is now turning his life around after attempting to end his life because of cocaine i almost lost him
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Wow that’s so hard for you I’ve also had that 2 days before Christmas in hospital getting his arms stitched up ..not much fun and numerous times he says lifes not worth living. The drugs and alcohol messing with their brain chemistry so much of it is mixed in with mental health issues. But we all have to cling onto hope as they can turn it around and must focus on the success stories.
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totally, ive felt so alone in this no one i know has been through anything like this and just dont understand. good to have a forum like this even though none of us would wish this hell on anyone else.
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Tell your son no more money And mean it , your money is paying for his drugs. Give him food and let him live in the caravan , don’t let him into the house if he might steal from you.
As he is still speaking to you find places where he can get help.
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Just wondered how you are getting on. Life feels unbearable for me, my son is so aggressive and intimidating. He treats me so appallingly I just want to run away given him so many chances. Hes kicked off big time today am sure has caused himself mental health issues. I’ve tried saying he cant live here anymore and he kicks off and frightens me even more.
Any advice.
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i have had a horrific day today. I can t beleive that my life has come to this. I kicked my son out for about the third time in a short space of time as we just cannot live with him and his behaviour . for 2 nights he hounded us by hammering on our door all night until we let him in.
this morning he turned up after apparently spending the night at a drug dealers house he was erratic and clearly had taken something we ended up having to call the police as he was intimidating and we felt he needed sectioning that obviously didnt happen and despite telling the police he wld be leaving he remained here all day with us treading on eggshells.
so where do we go from here ? weve tried kicking him out weve tried everything we feel uneasy in our own home and i feel totally hopeless. if things arnt bad enough my husband has been made redundant , ive never felt so hopeless and miserable i cant sleep and really despair at where things will end.
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Is there anyone who can mediate between you? Does he want help? Sending my Love x
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I’m sorry to hear that. Your husband is probably really hurting from your sons addiction. It makes us feel emotions that we wld never normally feel and say. I just spoke to drugfam it was good to speak but I still feel hopeless no good outcome at the moment.
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Thanks so far we havnt been successful..and yes this area has always been under resourced.
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just wondering who on this forum has been made to feel by their child that its their fault their child has an addiction? my son claims its me and yet i know ive been a great mum doing all i can for him. even now the only ones who would take him in despite constant abuse. heartbreaking to be made to feel that despite giving your everything he looks to blame someoene.
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I’m new to this thread – but yesterday my son told me I have been the worst mother and I am the reason for his addiction.
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My son has been with us for 7 weeks, he is in his 30s and a recovering heroin addict. He smokes weed and takes tablets he buys online. He also has told me that his addiction is my fault and that he’d rather be dead. His room looks horrific and he hardly moves from his bed. I have not been able to get help but am also starting to think that him being sectioned would be the best way forward. He used to be so full of sunshine and generous to his friends. His eyes look dead now and I have become a tolerated inconvenience that he needs for money and food. He has lost most of his friends and I am so sorry for him, but feel he is dominating the house. I am clinging on to my job, just about. But I find it so hard to focus on anything. I’ve feel so sad for others in this situation, it’s not something you want to share with friends.
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Yes ‘it’s my fault ‘ , of course it is . I should of whipped your arse when I first knew you smoked dope. I should of told your skanky makes to f-ck off when they knocked. Instead I was nice to them while unknown to me you was smoking weed together .
If you die although I will be heartbroken and destroyed I have decided to exclude anyone from the funeral who has ever smoked dope , or took cocaine with you , family members included.
They blame their mums as they can’t yet take responsibility and blame themselves . They are too immature.
Jem – my son went like this and then tried to overdose on tablets. He wasn’t sectioned the hospital just sent him with us.
Is their anyone !!! Uncle, Aunt , old best friend that could take to him ?
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Hi Jenny you comments re your son’s funeral is exactly how I have been thinking. My son is a coke addict, my story is up there today. I swear that if the inevitable happens I will only be allowing immediate family to the funeral because when I asked him to delete the dealers from his phone he said ‘ I might as well delete all my contacts’. That speaks volumes to me, they’re all getting rich at the expense of my son’s addiction. ????
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My son has worn out his welcome everywhere. The thing I find hard is that we live somewhere nice and there are opportunities for him. He just sits there in a mess with the blinds down. He won’t eat a meal with us or walk the dog. I feel that he sees not doing heroin as the end goal but will only look at chemical solutions to get him there. He is now on something that I think is similar to Xanax. He complains he is bored but can’t be coaxed to do anything other than to wonder out of his room to find food or drink.
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I am so tired and just want to cry. Thank you for listening it really helps.
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jem and jenny I am s sorry to read your posts because i totally relate to it and am in the same situation and i wouldnt wish my worst enemy this misery.
We have kicked my son out on friday we have kicked him out before and been bullied by him or duped into having him back but this is for good.
he took an overdose last friday im still not sure if it was a suicide attempt or just his usual taking too much of stuff but anyway he ended up in hospital and told them that hed done it because of me!! as a result we had a police visit and social services do an investigation because of my younger son being here thankfully common sense prevailed and its gong no further as they could obviously see its not us… but a a wake up call to us…he kept us awake with his druggie girlfriend and that was it told him to go and never come back. today weve cleaned/fumigated his hole of a room and will putting his belongings in a storage unit so we dont have him bothering us for his stuff.
weve changed the locks too and will call the police if he does what hes done in the past by banging and hammering on our door in the middle of the night and us being forced to let him in.
i cannot beleive that the only people in the world who have tried to help him have been abused and bullied so much by him and could have caused so much potential damage to his younger brother who weve bent over backwards to protect.
We live in a good area and lots of opportunities but wasted on him.
like others have mentioned his eyes are dead and his a big ball or anger, drugs have ruined a sweet boy and im struggling to keep it together.
im so sorry to everyone who has to go through this.
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I’m so sorry that all of this has happened, especially with a younger child in the house. It is so hard to turn a child out, I am very scared of reaching that point, and having to face the fact that it really is down to them to fight for their own futures because no one else can do that for them. You’ve both been very strong in changing the locks; I am thinking about you x
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he naturally hates me for it and cant see why? he thinks we shld keep feeding him and having him here whatever his behaviour.
I know that we will have some tough times ahead as he wont have money etc.
I did get a referrall done by a supported living place who help people like him he has a an assessment there this week and has to agree to engage in their programmme and will depend if they have a space somewhere for him so i am praying tht is the case so that i can sleep at night.
As far as i know he has stayed at his gf for a night a druggie mates lsat night and his gfs parents apparently paying for a hotel for him tonight….clearly they dont want him in the house either!
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dont think about him, this is your escape and a chance to forget things while your away.
My son has checked into a travel inn for £25 tonight paid for by his gfs parents…ironically he got paid £300 for labouring work on friday so he shld pay for it himself. there are options to him being on the street. I refuse to cave in hes had enough out of us. he can now choose homelessness over getting s a job and supporting himself. I hope this is his wake up call.
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Bump22, I really hope that your son’s supported living place works out, that could be a real opportunity although I realise that you probably don’t allow your hopes to be raised easily.
Theresa – I hope you are having a proper break from what’s going on at home. That’s worth so much.
My son has taken too much of something and managed to cover himself and the kitchen in chocolate trying to make a cake tonight. It was almost funny if it wasn’t so sad.
I felt so alone until I found this forum – but I’m so sorry that you are also caught up in this hell. No one should have to live like this.
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thanks jem.
i feel for you like you say if he was a normally functioning drug free adult the chocolate incident wld be a source of amusement but i can totally relate in these circumstances it is just sad.
i feel like im still struggling was unable to sleep last night as despite making the decision to make my son leave the house the problem still hasnt gone away.
i did feel better looking across the landing to his room and seeing it clean and tidy and the chaos of his room gone but i think we will nd up moving as the last several years have been so traumatic it just reminds me of all the bad memories.
the last few weeks ive struggled to get out of bed as when ive heard him up ive been so depressed about what the day had in store. I sometimes wonder if i will ever be the person i used to be.
i hope theresa you are enjoying your break as much as you possibly can.
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I understand that, last night you knew that your son had somewhere to stay but as you say the problem hasn’t gone away. It sounds like you have put up with this for years, I can’t begin to imagine that. My son has been away in a city for the last few years living in a room in a big shared house where he was able to hide his habit until last Christmas. He has only been here with us since lock-down. When he first came back we didn’t know he was back on heroin – which was really stupid and naive. We organised him a flat near to us, and then found he was increasingly hard to get hold of, with him making excuses for us not to pop round. Then of course I realised, I’d been here before. The flat ended up as a tip, so we cleaned it out and handed it back, that’s when he came to us. He doesn’t want to be here, we are just the last option, he has gone 7 weeks without heroin, and I am scared if he leaves us that will be the end and he will never be free of it.
I think with a younger child in the house it must be so much harder and you have to make decisions differently and keep yourself sane for their sake as well as your own. I can see why you’d be thinking about moving house. Lock-down must have been so difficult for you and your family, I hope you get some respite.
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your son has done well to stay clean for 7 weeks and i can understand why you’d be scared for him to leave. Is he engaging with any drug services to help him?
My son had also only been back home since during lockdown hes also been in either shared house or flat with his gf but back here he just wasnt adhering to my boundaries especially with my younger one in the house so we have kicked him out a few times for that reason. And when he has been drug free his temperment is so volatile if anything that has been as much as the issue as the drugs. I spoke to him today and his voice sounded like he was on something so sad as i feel me kicking him out hasnt helped but equally we had just no choice.
I find it so frustrating that he just cant see what hes doing to himself and those around him.
ive saught out so many places and options for help for him but he wont engage and obviously as hes an adult so that means my hands are tied.
also his druggie girlfriend makes him worse they have such a toxic dependence on one another.
its funny as so far ive encountered anyone who knows of a girl with drug problems does seem to be a more male thing or am i wrong?
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Maybe it’s because boys/men don’t talk about their feelings and girls are more open .
I too have sourced help for my son , he went once To a clinic before lockdown and refuses to call them /go back for help.
His moods swings are so bad he’s Angry 99% of the time.
Homeless – living somewhere but he won’t tell me . Unemployed.
I can’t have him back as he Is toxic , rude, unmannered.
And I can’t have drugs anywhere near my home .
He’s 32 years of age so no longer a child.
My ‘child’ died 15 years ago and all that’s left is this shell, and his voice. His whole personality is disagreeable.
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Yes I’m starting to feel that my husband and I were just looking at the family pictures in our living room and it’s a different person that child and the adult he is.
So so sad but I know we cant have him back now I just hope he get some sort of wake up call..
But I sympathise Jenny my sons personality totally disagreeable too.
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My son has gone away for the night to a shared house he used to live in. I am so tired and relieved that he isn’t in the house tonight, but I am worried about him. He looked like he was on something when he went and took his expensive laptop which he needs if he is going to work again. His train journey has 2 changes, so lots to go wrong, without even thinking about who he’s meeting.
Bump22 I think that girls using heroin is less common than with boys. As Jenny said, boys do seem to bottle things up to a greater degree.
Jenny- it’s so sad to read the last paragraph of your post. I looked at my son’s face today for traces of the lovely boy he used to be. I guess people can surprise us and change their behaviour, I’m just trying to hold on to that thought.
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I hope he doesnt lose his laptop and comes home ok for.you. we shouldn’t be worrying about them like this when they turn adults.
My son doesnt take heroin and it’s my worst fear however according to the drug counsellors I’ve spoken to what he is on is just as addictive so just as bad.
It really is like the drugs have taken my son and just left a shell and nothing positive.
I go to bed worrying about him and if I actually sleep wake up worrying too. He has his assessment for a supported living place today I just hope he goes and it goes well.
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Hi Bump22,
I am sorry, I missed this message when it came through.
I hope that your son’s assessment went well, it sounds like a great opportunity if he will go for it. I know what you mean about them just being left as a shell. I looked into my son’s eyes before he went off and they were so dark and full of anger and despair. I don’t know where my son spent last night, but I got a message at 2.30 to say he would be back today, but I think that is unlikely somehow. He doesn’t really like my partner and blames the relationship for all of this. I suppose in the back of my mind I worry that if I was on my own with him, things may have been different, as he is different when its just the 2 of us. He also has no relationship with his dad. He and I split when my son was about 23.
Its hard to see a way forward.
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It’s interesting that our sons are from familys where their biologically dad isnt around, my ex has never been around properly for him but my husband is and even by my sons admission a great stepdad but I think the rejection from his real dad has a massive part to play in his issues.
Unlike u though my son was only 18mnths when we split I think he feels the odd child out as both me and his dad have remarried and have other children.
My son did go to the assessment I’ve heard but u dodnt know how it went and doubt I’ll find out.
I’m feeling crap today about things but do feel we had bo choice with everything that’s gone on and having to consider my youngest.
You son was a fully grown adult before your relationship he cant blame your partner ultimately hes has made the choice to take drugs and needs to take personal responsibility for that. All they seem to do is throw blame on other people. I had a very unsettled upbringing but I always stayed on the right path it is a choice.
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My husband is my sons father we are still together but we Do clutch at straws to find a Possible reason for their behaviour , and dependency’s on drugs /booze . Throughout the years I have thought of many reasons , is he gay and not able to come out/ was he been sexually abused as a youngster/ is it me did he think I did something really terrible . My hubby and I had an abortion before he was born as I wasn’t married – did my mum ever tell him ? It’s possible .
Is he Blotting out some dreadful thing from his past / I think the truth is some people are more prone to have addictive personalities and can’t say no . Then they get into a spiral of self hate and cravings so they take more to dull the pain.
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I’m sorry you’re feeling crap, you are probably so tired from all of this, and I think as Mum’s we always have a sense of feeling there is more we could do even when we are on our knees. You have to protect your youngest so in a way that decision is almost made for you and I don’t think you should feel at all guilty.
I think the relationship with their biological dads is key to a lot of this. My ex told my son that he and his new partner have lots of bbq’s and he’d like to invite him but doesn’t want his friends asking him how many copies of the Big Issue he’s sold (as in ‘you look a mess’), which is something that he has not forgiven him for – was just a stupid thing to say.
There is a great book called ‘In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts’ that talks a lot about family relationships in drug addiction. I read it a few years ago when all of this started for us. I couldn’t make up my mind if it’s slightly over simplifying the causes of addiction but there is other really useful stuff in there as well – its worth reading.
I hope that your son still has somewhere to sleep and you can at least not have to deal with him being their at night. I was worried about where mine was last night, but it was also good to have a night off. I can’t bring myself to look at his room at the moment.
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Hi Jenny,
I know there is supposed to be a link with ADHD, which is common in boys, and I think my son probably suffers. He did very badly at school but was brilliant with computer programming, so at 17 was working for a big corporation earning good money. He was obsessed and really wanted to do it, we worried he was too young, but he had no other options that he would look at and didn’t want to do A levels. He worked very hard and then got burned-out at around 24. He has only just told me that he had a coke habit at 22, which I had no idea about. I guess that was the start and he progressed from there. Until then he was the sensible one in his circle, he had a nice car, no license points, didn’t drink when he went out – it makes it so hard to think of all of that and where we are now.
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Oh I’ll def look into getting that book.
Your ex was really stupid saying that not helpful at all. My ex isnt far off he refused to take him in and has left it all to me but still happy to point the finger when it goes wrong.
So I’ve heard through my sister that he has been offered the supported living place as of next week which is great news. I hope he sticks to their programme. My sister also told me he is still very angry about me kicking him out and has said he Hope’s my youngest gets taken into care..a very jealous and spiteful comment.!
Jenny I know what you mean I’ve dug into the back of brain for explanations did he get abused by a cub leader ? All sorts of explanations but I think a mixture of being dyslexic and struggling at school being bullied rejection from his dad jealous of his mums new family and an addictive personality or mental health issue has all contributed.
I hope both your sons are safe tonight and you get to relax even a little bit.
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My partner refuses to acknowledge he has a problem with alcohol. Im a teacher and when I get home, I’ve no idea what I’m going to get to. He has no job. He doesn’t do anything to help himself save tell us that he’s thinking.
I don’t know what to do.
He tells me when I tell him I can’t keep on, he’s going to ruin my life and spread vicious rumours and stories re:my sex life or that I’m a pedophile and in my line of work this is so worrying.
I’m scared for his health. I’m scared how this cycle keeps on moving.
I’m on my own – nobody can support me, my family love hundreds of miles away
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Hello Whatnow, that sounds really horrible. If you don’t have anyone you can talk to I’d probably look for a local support group for the families of addicts, and let your gp know what’s happening. Talking things through will help you to work out what you should do. From my own experiences of addiction, my dad was a functioning alcoholic who wore my mum down and also seeing my son now, I’d probably advise you to leave, even if you just get a room in a shared house to start with. No one should have their life ruined by this. Nothing will change unless your husband is doing all that he can to get off.
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Whatnow if your partner is threatening your livelihood , and is being controlling I would most defiantly arrange to leave him .
Your life is more important , he sounds nasty.
Go visit your relatives , hand in your notice at work if you have too . Your well-being is the most important thing here.
If you own the flat – get someone to throw him out , Male bullies are normally scared Of other men that why they pick on women . Sell it move to nearer family.
If you rent – seek advice but don’t stay with him . Sending hugs .
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Yes this is a really nasty situation. This is a criminal.offence what hes doing. You need to speak to someone about it and get out of this relationship.
If your family are supportive can u move back ?
Im really sorry you are having to deal with this.
Also secretly record his threats on your phone if you are able to in case you need evidence.
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Am I horrible ! I’m teaching my son a lesson , he’s not got a proper place to live , he lost his job through drink and drugs and couldn’t pay for his flat , he had 2 lodgers who paid him rent that he spent . There’s a big bill coming for this flat as I’m guarantor. Probably over £2000. I also lent him £2500 just before he lost his job and before I knew he was a coke addict and alcoholic.
He didn’t want to pay for his flat and didn’t want the 2 others homeless . Well it’s him that’s homeless now as they have moved on.
I agreed to my sons clothes being stored at my house but he comes round most days and eats all the food . I also found a stash of empty beer bottles. I have told him that I don’t want him drinking in the house and he said ‘would you prefer me to drink in the park’ I said YES I would if you want to drink alcohol.
He is very rude , arrogant and we don’t get on , he can’t come back ‘home’ I am a childminder and he wouldn’t pass ofsted rules. I am not working until September .Anyway everyday he comes back has a shower try’s to stay as long as possible , he has someone to sleep but can’t leave his things there. He has a girlfriend but won’t even confirm it .
Today he came earlier and it’s so ungrateful and rude , I asked him about the telly programme and he just muttered and turned it up.
He has to leave when I leave ( heis known to steal my lovely watch went missing less than 2 weeks ago) and I’m now back home but iv parked the car on another road and I’m hiding up in my bedroom so he can’t see me . It’s raining – I feel bad but many times I went round to his flat when he had it and he wouldn’t answer the door to me and told me to f—-off and called me a bitch.
I want some peace. I want him to feel like I felt .
I WANT HIM TO FEEL , TO WAKE UP.
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Jenny you have to stop what you’re doing and tell him he goes to rehab or he won’t be allowed in your home anymore, it’s the ONLY way to save him!
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Oh Jenny how horrible I related to most of what you said.
Like me you are being bullied by him.
Have you thought about putting his belongings in a storage unit?
I know it costs money but wld he then come.round less?
Does he have keys? Change the locks?
You are not being awful he needs to learn and you need some peace.
Also and I know it’s easier said than done but he needs to wake up and get a job and sort himself out.
You’ve lost alot of money bailing him out like I have with my son it’s disgusting.
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Yes we changed the locks he doesn’t have a key.
As for his clothes , I prefer him to be clean and shaven and most times he is , he is ‘courting’ a young girl although he has told us nothing , so I want him to be clean .
Him having a girlfriend ( he’s not had a proper girlfriend for over 6 years and he’s 32 ) is an answer to my prayers.
I just need him to stop and think and be grateful and not expect .
He’s very ungrateful , has no empathy , he is using us .
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Yes I hear what your saying let’s hope she is the answer and spurs him to change his ways.
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Jenny – I think you have to save yourself. I could see myself parking the car elsewhere and pretending I was out. You’ve been very generous in going as guarantor, I have done that previously, but as in your case it ended badly. I will never forget the mess that needed to be sorted out, along with the back rent.
I think in some ways I am lucky that I have an office to escape to in the day time, and my son definitely can’t come in there. I spend a lot of time feeling guilty, but reading your post made me think about how important it is to keep our own lives stable, and for you, your childminding work has to be protected. It would be so easy for us to sink a
long with them and to end up with no life. In the end that doesn’t help them.
I have just heard from someone who let my son stay over the night before last and he has told me he had relapsed, which is not really a surprise, but is a huge disappointment as he went through a lot to get to 7 weeks. He has now gone off on a camping trip with people that don’t know what he’s up to, he has only the clothes he left here in on Tuesday, and a tent someone lent him. I don’t know if he will hit withdrawals while he is there. I am supposed to be leaving today to go away for a few days, but am not really sure what to do now for the best.
Bump22 – I hope that you are okay and that your son is still staying somewhere else. Do you know when he can move into his new accommodation? If he goes for that, things could really improve for all of you and you will have breathing space.
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JEM – this camping trip may be helpful as he’s away from the dealers and it will give him time to think (hopefully).
7 weeks is good and regretfully he relapsed but the hope was there for him and he tried , he can try again. I believe it’s a slippery up and down path with much disappointment along the way.
I would still go away , you need a break .
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Jem i am so sorry that he is relapsed after 7 weeks. It’s such a rollercoaster when they do well and then slip off the wagon so emotionally exhausting.
But hes now proved he can do it and hopefully he will try again.
I would definitely go away we all need to put ourselves first as otherwise we will be left with no joy and respite from this hell we live.
In answer to the question my son moves in on Tuesday I beleive he still isnt talking g to me as such as he thinks I’m the witch who’s kicked him out I did point out to him that it was this witch that has got this place lined up for him and it has been done out of love as I want him clean and to lead a happy healthy life. I just hope he engages with the programme.
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How was everyones weekends in the end?
I saw my son today first time since we told him to move out.makes me so sad seeing how rough he likes and today was spaced out.
Hes moved into his supported living I hope it works out.
I just feel so sick with worry makes me so sad to see how hes turned out.
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Hello, it’s heartbreaking to see them like that but at least he has his supported living place and hopefully he will get the help he needs. You will sleep better at night knowing he’s somewhere safe and not in the house. I really hope that he takes the opportunity. You did really well to get him a place.
My son is back here now. He went camping at the weekend, but must have taken something with him to get him through the weekend without getting sick. From what I can gather he’s annoyed the last of his good friends which was a wake-up call and has really upset him. So now he is back here going through withdrawal and really hurting. The scary thing is he has no memory of getting the train to Liverpool.
I have really struggled, went to the office today but couldn’t do much, I just feel so sad and scared for the future. I asked him if he really wants to get clean and he said he didn’t know. Obviously he’s very uncomfortable right now so maybe the wrong time to ask. I spoke to a chap today who is 20 years clean, that gave me hope. I worry how bad things have to get before my son wakes-up.
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My son is sofa surfing , he had a chance with the council they agreed he was homeless and gave him 60 days to find a room that they would pay the deposit on and the 1st months rent.
We refuse to pay as we paid the deposit on his previous flat and there’s about £2000 worth of unpaid rent on it Outstanding and we are guarantors. Anyway he messed it up waited till the last 2 weeks then found a property that didn’t accept the unemployed , he did this twice now he has lost this chance . So he’s been sofa surfing , but coming back mostly everyday to wash and eat.
Friday I tried to talk to him While sitting beside him on the settee and he turned the telly up ‘ .
I did speak to him and asked him to go back and get help from the drug clinic.
Sunday it kicked off again he came in from an all night party and went to bed ! He doesn’t live here. We wanted to go out and don’t trust him in the house , he has stolen before from us . I collected my mum and she came as mediator and I gave him an hour and got him out of bed. He left to go to her house to sleep , and neither of us have heard from him since Tuesday. He’s not getting any messages , his phones probably dead. Today I am requesting anti depressants from the doctor.
My dentist actual says I’m grinding my teeth in my sleep ( when I do sleep up at 430 today ).
I can’t have my son living with us , he’s still doing drugs.
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I’m so sorry your son couldn’t get a place to live, you/we just end up going round in circles with this. I felt pretty close to going to the doctors last week. It’s not having an end in sight that is the killer.
The day my son came back we put some ground rules in place – I have no idea how long they will stick. He was feeling bad about what he’d done, so it seemed a good time to do this.
So they are: we see your bedroom every day and you tidy it every day – hopefully one day’s worth is manageable. I never want to clear up a mess like that again. No hard drugs or tablets bought on internet in house; whatever he was taking were having a horrible effect. You must help out around house and go for a walk each day. I’m going to struggle to enforce this, I know.
I can see you digitally rolling your eyes, but I have to try something. Last night he came out and watched tv with us for a while and had dinner at the proper time – with us!!!!
I went on a forum for recovering addicts and asked them what they thought was reasonable. I’ve also found it helpful to read their perspectives on getting out of addiction, because I tend to lose patience and then my empathy walks out the door and I just nag.
I know that this may only hold for a couple of days but you never know.
The bigger problem is that I’ve asked him if he is serious about getting clean and I don’t get a very positive response. My worry is that at some point he’s going to have to be homeless and desperate, and then the fight back may look insurmountable.
I’m sad for all of us dealing with this. I was thinking at the weekend what it must be like to have a happy grown-up child and maybe grandchildren. This is such a waste of life.
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Jem I related to all you wrote and didnt digitally roll my eyes I totally get where your coming from and trying to minimise the chaos that his habit inflicts in you daily.
It’s good to have ground rules even if they become hard to enforce.
Even the bedroom in your house is stressful as we were the same clearing my sons room was a.mammoth task and was disgusting that it was a room in my own home.
I’m glad that he joined to watch TV with you as it’s those moments we gave to hold onto to give us hope.
I would be interested to know which forum for recovering addicts you went on as that may be helpful for me.
Jenny I’m so sorry about your week. It’s good you have been to the drs I need to do that. We all need to look after ourselves as the stress is just too much.
Any of you had counselling? I had some through a different organisation but wasnt helpful as I found the counsellor quite judgemental. Another counsellor I found really helpful but she left. Just wondering what else we can all do for the stress?
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Hello,
So last night was a better evening, my son ate with us and washed-up, and even let the dog sleep in his room, which hasn’t happened for a few weeks. Its early days though and I have been here before a good few times.
Bump22: I started looking at forums aimed at users because I was completely out of my depth and very low on empathy. I thought I was going mad last week, I confiscated some pills that seemed to be having a psychotic effect and nearly downed the lot myself 🙂 I have looked at Opiate Recovery which is a subreddit on Reddit. I know about this because my son has talked about them checking in with each other as they mark their days clean. You will find posts on there that will make your toes curl, but in amongst it are amazing people that have really gone through the mill with this, supporting and advising each other. I think that empathy is a really hard thing to hold on to in all of this, but on Sunday night my son had news that a friend of his (not a user) had committed suicide. This was someone who had been lovely to my son in the past and encouraged him to fight his addiction. We just sat on his bed, his head on my shoulder, and that opened up better conversations and I felt brought him back to me, but it is maintaining it that’s hard. Sorry I’m rambling.
I think these forums are good places to ask questions, just ignore any silly responses and take on board any insights that are useful. Because of the painkiller epidemic in America, there are a lot of regular people with opiate addiction issues, and they have ended up there via the doctors prescription pad and greedy drug companies, not through the recreational drugs culture.
Jenny – I really hope that you were able to sleep last night undisturbed and that your son is somewhere safe. I really hope that he finds a permanent place soon. A good nights sleep becomes such a rare thing. I put audible books on at night with headphones, I listen to travel writers, things like The Salt Path, where your brain doesn’t get pulled into a plot, and the narration is gentle. Its helped me a lot.
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Thank you , my son has returned to my mums they are very close , she lives only about 7 miles away. Yesterday I bought him some new socks and pants !! – as he has a girlfriend now I thought he’d look smarter . The last thing she wants is to see him coming towards her in his old manky sonic the hedgehog pants and unmatched socks- silly I know but I live in hope that ‘she’ is going to be the reason he gives / grows up. Something for him to aim for .
Someone near me on Wednesday threw themselves of a bridge just a 10 minute walk away – I was worried it could be my son. I’m living in constant fear.
I have all sort of calming music on my phone but I’ve decided Prozac is my best option – now to persuade the doctor.
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jem wow that sounds like a really positive evening lets hope you have more of those.
i will def tap into the forums for tips.
jenny i had to laugh at your post about the pants!! lol no one needs to see sonic the hedgehog on their man!
i hope this girl is the one to turn things around.
I spoke to my son this morning he did his usual of calling me coz he wanted something this was another ‘ive lost my i.d ‘call can you sort it out..ive lost count how many times ive had to do it but i did as he needs it to get work. He actually sounded pretty good, no slurred speech from drink or drugs and was up early and about to go job hunting so positive steps. He said he is yet to meet his key worker at this supported living place but hopefully it will be soon.
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Hey we’re smashing this, we have:
One son with a girlfriend and wearing matching socks (and no sonic in sight) – I can relate to all of that!!
Another up early and looking for work
and one at the kitchen sink washing-up AND actually managing to follow the plot of A Suitable Boy on telly (which I can’t manage)
I think we have to celebrate our successes 🙂
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Yes indeed let’s enjoy the highs when we have them!!
My friend lent me the book of a suitable boy but the size of it scared me..wld take me a year to get through it!
I’ve picked up in the realm of hungry ghosts today cant remember who suggested it..got an odd look from the librarian!!
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I haven’t read A Suitable Boy but have read others by the same author, one was about a million pages, it was called Two Lives or something like that. In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts probably did get you a few strange looks in the library, brilliant that they had it.
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Hi,
I have been thinking about you both, I hope things are okay.
Bump22 – is the supportive living accommodation working out? I know it’s early days, but hopefully things are improving and you have some breathing space.
Jenny, I hope you have had better night’s sleep, and that your son has not been home so much.
My son has been back for about 10 days. He isn’t using at the moment, and I set proper ground rules this time around what he can and can’t do at home. So far that is holding and things are calmer. I feel shell-shocked from the weeks building up to him leaving last time, like I’ve been through a war. My brain is struggling to keep up at work, but I’m sure that’s the same for all of us.
Anyway, I hope you are having a calm drama free evening.
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Hi All , Haven’t seen my son for over a week , he is/was staying at his nans mostly during the week , sleeping a lot.
On Thursday he went to his ‘girlfriends’ so probably won’t be back till Monday !? He hasn’t found a permanent room as my mum gave him 2 weeks to find one and she’s scare she’ll get Covid as his mixing with others and she has COPD.
I’m glad he has a girlfriend.
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Hi ladies
Jem i hope you son Carrie’s on doing so well i know what you mean it is like going through a war !!
So my son is still in supported living but as yet it sounds like hes not being supported which is a worry. Last weekend I spoke to him he was wasted and said the people in the house were all drinking?!
He then called me and asked me if I cld bail him out of a problem with the police and I said no. Turns out he bought a car with his universal credit ….my son doesn’t have a license and cannot drive !!he said he was going to get his gf to teach him!..anyway the car got seized as he hadnt insured it….. it worrys me that he is making such stupid and dangerous life choices.
This now means he has no money for food and I told him i wasnt going to buy him any but it’s hard when i see how thin he is.
On a positive side the house is calm but i still cant sleep for worry. i think when u live so stressed for such a long time it’s hard to live normally.
I need to train myself to not worry.
Jenny I hope your son finds a place so you can relax a bit as you say it’s not fair on your mum. Let’s face they are so caught up in their addictions and chaotic lives the last thing they are thinking about is social distancing! Maybe theres a chance him and his gf will move in together?
I hope u all get to enjoy the weekend as much possible and this weather before the new restrictions kick in!
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He won’t tell me anything about her even her name – but I do know it although I don’t know her or her family I’ve been told she’s really lovely , I think she may already have a home as she has a child maybe it’s not that ‘solid’ yet.
JEM can you bring food to your son ? Or get a local delivery like a spar . That way he doesn’t get the cash.
It’s mind boggling the decisions they make , they can’t seem to think properly .
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so ladies hope youve had a good week?
mine has been eventful as usual with my son, i sick of the drama.
earlier this week he was pulled over by the police and told he looked like a suspect in a burglary(he wasnt and was pretty upset and concerned about it) the police however had s sniffer dog with them who sniffed that he had ketamine on him.
So far he hasnt been arrested and charged. But he gave them my bloody number to call? as if he thinks i want any involvement in his bloody dodgy way of life.
Then today i call him and find out hes waiting to hear if he is going to be kicked out of his supported living!!!
So feeling torn with my emotions on this one, number one fed up with my son that he s in this position and stressing me out but also frustrated and angry that the supported living wasnt supported at all!! so hes been there about 3 weeks and depsite being told at his assessment he would be given a full mental health assessment he has received nothing…not even a conversation with a key worker..no support at all!!!
i really hoped this would be the solution.
thrown him in a house with blokes who all drink and take drugs so essentially the total opposite of supported living.
he apparently has a meeting at 2pm based on what decision they have come to and if he will be kicked out.
sick of all the stress, even all my eyelases have fallen out with stress.
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Bump22 – I’m so sorry to hear how horrible your week has been, I can imagine exactly how you feel. The supported living accommodation sounds terrible, the worst of all worlds. I hope he is able to get all of this across at his meeting, that he’s had no support and has been placed somewhere where he’s really vulnerable. Maybe the police incident will be a wake-up call, although I know they only listen to the things they want to.
I feel so bad for you, I know how this just saps all the joy out of life. I hope things are calmer over the weekend.
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Hi Bump, jenny and Gem
I hope you don’t mind but I’ve been reading this thread and can relate to a lot of what’s happening to you.
My adult son is almost 28, living in his own flat (thankfully) but has alcohol and cocaine addiction for several years.
This addiction is ripping our family to shreds, as you all know from experience. You feel that you are unable to move on with your lives until their’s becomes more settled and happy.
Yep, i agree, I wonder what it’s like to have a son who is respectful, sympathetic, caring and reliable.
That’s our end goal ladies, for them to be happy and healthy and being independent of us.
I had a stressful week, son wasn’t speaking to me, but called late in evening asking to borrow £300 as the dealer was coming to break the door down for it!
What do you you? I worried about this happening and him being knifed or worse. We caved and did a bank transfer. He promised he’d pay us back, and start going to meetings again.
I’ve been anxious and feeling low all week, but managed to go to work as it is a distraction.
I’m grateful for this forum to hear that others are in similar circumstances.
Hope you all have a stress free weekend. I’m sure you all more than deserve it.
Lx
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We need stories like that to lighten the mood!!
Good to heat from you
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That has made my Friday afternoon. At least you didn’t meet her on the way to the bathroom in the middle of the night.
I hope your holiday was good.
I have had an okay week, my son is doing well, 3 weeks clean of heroin tomorrow and tapering the meds he was using to get off. It’s wonderful but I try to stop myself from hoping too much, as things can change quickly. I took him to my mum’s yesterday, she’s quite frail and confused. The pair of them over did the sherry while I cooked dinner, I wish I could have recorded the conversation, they definitely should live together.
Lindyloo: I’ve had the £300 call so many times. I looked at my bank statement recently and started adding it all up, it’s so depressing.
Hoping we all get a peaceful weekend.
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Lindyloo
No dont mind you reading the thread that’s what it’s there for.
My son has also had money to pay dealers as like you say you end up worrying about them being beaten up.
It’s so tough.
I was due out for a friends drinks tonight but have cancelled only one of the people going know my situation and I just cant put a brave face on especially when everyone will Wittering on about such silly problems which seem like such small fry compared to crap I’m dealing with.
I’ll stay at home and self medicate myself!!
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Jem so plsed ypur son is doing well. Fingers crossed.
I’m still waiting to hear about my sons living arrangements. Weve made it very clear he cannot live here but I dread he may turn up.
The drugs and alcohol worker who saw him yesterday said hed never seen anyone so.out of it!!
Hes really in a bad place.
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Bump22: I really hope that the support services sort themselves out and your son gets the help he needs.
I know that feeling so well of wanting to hide away. Sometimes it’s too much to try and put a smile on, when you just want to hide away. Sounds like a netflix and wine night.
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Thanks Theresa.
Yes I’ve had to tell supported housing he cant come back here.
It is horrible as he is so vulnerable.
I’ve just tried them and told the person I need to speak to is in a meeting….to be honest I dont know what these people are playing at. They’ve essentially thrown a load of addicts together and bot given them the support..ridiculous.
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hes been given 7 days notice. they reckon hes been dealing.
the support worker even agreed he may end up dead if he doesnt sort himself out.
so i have a bottle of wine in to self medicate myself tonight!!
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Bump22 Try and not think about it tonight. Find something decent to watch on telly and enjoy your wine.
This is very hard on you, but you have to look after yourself.
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Theresa, sorry i missed you off my text. Its sounds like you still have a sense of humour through your troubles. You definitely need that don’t you? What a difficult situation you’re in, my son would’ve done the same if we hadn’t helped him with house deposit. We had to make it fair as my daughter was getting help with uni expenses.
Jem- you must be so pleased that your son is making improvement. I wish this for all our sons.
Funny how its mostly boys that give us grief- is it a coincidence?
Bump – hope things get sorted out for your son soon. Such a worry!
Take care ladies, try and have a peaceful weekend. Lx
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I’m a bottle of wine down and had a call from my son…twice.. i hung up as sick of his requests and now blocked his number!
Will probably worry tommorow but sick of it now!
Enjoy your Friday nights ladies
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Yup its not the best but yes a lifeline xxx
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Thank you so much ladies, my stomach churns when I see my son’s number ringing me.
Nice to know I have support here when I need to speak to someone.
Night ladies
Lx
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August BH weekend, I wouldn’t have got through without this thread. It’s not like you want to talk to your friends about it.
Thank you xxx
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Lindyloo I’m the same when I see my sons number…I always know theres a problem or more stress coming.
I just cant beleive i got him that supported living which cld have changed his life and hes being chucked out before they got started.
I’m dreading him turning up here.
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Bump22: I hope you had a peaceful night and that your son stayed away. Maybe all of this will be the wake up call that he needs.
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Morning ladies
Lovely morning here, take pleasure in the little things. Hubby and I are having a night away from home.
Son says he’s going to an AA meeting today. Fingers crossed ???? he sees the light..again.
Take care, thinking and praying for you all. Lx
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fingers crossed.x
enjoy your weekend.
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If we could we would do the cravings for them .
My son has been staying with my mum this last 2 weeks but also out parting with mates my mum has copd and she’s worried.
He’s been looking at a few rooms ( yesterday) £600 a month Just for a room in London.
Thankfully he still has a girlfriend .
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I’m sat here doing some very boring accounting job. That really made me laugh, but put me off my sandwich. The things we end up doing!!!!
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That has made me laugh feeling very down at the moment…have come out for a bike ride and even got a puncture but that made me laugh about the bucket !
Im sitting along the river with a beautiful view while my husband is in the background cursing trying to fix my puncture!!
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I’m feeling a constant sense of impending doom.
Cant get my son out of my head and totally stressed about what is next round the corner.
I’ve not been able to get gold of him today to speak to him about being kicked out of his housing. Just feel hes on a bender somewhere and feeling so pessimistic about the future.
Sorry to sound such a misery but I find some days I can get on with life better than others.
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Hi Ladies, I’m back from a nice chilled overnight stay. I feel a tad more relaxed.
Theresa your bucket scenario, I tried to shake that image from my head. What us mothers have to go through as if the pain of childbirth is not enough!
Bump , I totally sympathise with you, the known stuff is crap, but the unknown stuff…well no news is good news i try to tell myself these days.
I’m trying to focus on small positive things just now, I listen to a wee 5 min meditation daily or nightly. It does cool the beans a bit for bedtime. Ladies, we have to try and be kind to ourselves.
I’m no sandal wearing, free the whales type of person but it definitely works .
Lx
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You’ll have to tell me what meditation you listen to.
Xx
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Bump22 – Thinking about you, I know how this feels. You just want to know that your son is safe but at the same time dread all of the drama starting over. But you never actually get to enjoy any peace that comes your way.
I went out with my son today, we had lunch and walked in the sunshine. I saw bits of his personality that haven’t been there for a while, but it’s all a rollercoaster. Three weeks ago felt like our lowest point and who knows what next week will bring. I don’t know how anyone stays sane through all of this.
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Nice to hear you’ve had a good day with your son. It gives me hope that I can have that too.
We went to the coast today with my youngest and my husband and I cldnt dtop thinking about when we took my eldest and the fun we had and how life has changed. I’m going to have to train my brain to be more positive.!!
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I think for my son, it was losing his good friends, because they didn’t want to know him when he was using. I think he probably registered shock on their faces when they saw him recently. It would be harder if his friendship group used as well.
I have struggled with insomnia over the last few years, my way of dealing with it, is a comfy pair of headphones that I can sleep in and Audible. I listen to books by people doing long distance walking, they are great for getting you back to sleep if you wake up in the night, although you don’t ever hear the book all of the way through in the right order. I also have listened to quite a few autobiographies, where the narrator has a gentle voice. I don’t think I could sleep without headphones now.
I hope everyone has a quiet night, no knocks on the door or buckets of …..
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Bump i googled” 5 minutes meditation “during day, there’s loads, choose one you like. There’s bedtime ones too, they help you drift off.
Jem, im glad you had that walk with your son, you need days like that.
My son phined earlier, had to get him cigs and groceries. He’s had a really bad time of it lately, we were unaware as he wasn’t in touch.
He’s pulling himself up again, starting meetings, contacting sponsor. I have to support him in this despite what’s happened recently. We love them right?
I’m meeting tomorrow for a walk too. Yes, difficult when they can’t see there regular friends who drink. Hopefully we’ll be strong for them.
Lx
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Arghh…need to vent.
So much for the “let’s meet for a walk, im so lonely, working from home, not seeing anyone ”
Just back, in less than an hour, he managed to squeeze another £40 to pay his phone bill !!
He’s racked up nearly £300 in less than a week. He’s promised to pay it back on pay day, but mentioned also he’s due dealer scumbags cash too. I feel such a mug, he’d been as well stealing my purse and running off with it !
I didn’t have to pay it, but I know he needs it for his meetings, I hooe to God he wasn’t lying about them.
Sorry to rant, it’s so emotionally and financially draining!
Lx
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lindyloo – sending hugs – get him a travel card for his meetings and ‘forget’ your purse when you meet up with him. If he’s stealing from your purse then that says he’s still doing the drugs . I don’t think due to Covid that actual ‘meetings’ are taking place only phone sessions but if I was you I would give them a call to clarify.
I have found that my son will tell me anything to get money from me.
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Thanks for your support Jenny.
I didn’t give him the cash but I paid it online. I know not to give him cash any more.
His meetings are online mostly, and he needs phone to speak to his sponsor.
I will leave purse next time, I actually thought he wanted. Y company. Bit hurtful really ????
Thanks for listening, I just had to vent. I’m more calm now.
Lx
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sorry lindyloo about your day. it really is draining.
and i feel for you being at home all day too, i was going stir crazy on furlough but now im back its nice to get out of the house.
at least hes trying to do meetings which is a positive.
have you got any other friends around in the day that you can meet for a walk with ? perhaps make it a regular thing to get out with a friend once a day?
i know its easier said than done.
Sadly whenever i hear from my son i know he doesnt want me for anything positive, i hope one day that will change, so its good that you still feel optimism when he called and asked to go for a walk.
ive stopped giving my son money ive stopped his phone too as it came to the end of its contract and i refused to carry on paying it. although ironically i now cant get hold of him!!
ive only been buying him bags of food.
im not sure how he is getting money for his drugs but ive got a pretty good idea.
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Bump, thanks for your reply.
I do work, but not Mondays. I have friends at work, I have two close friends who I can talk to thankfully.
Yeah, would be nice to get a call where there wasn’t an ulterior motive behind it.
I don’t give him cash, but I buy him food, cigs and today had to pay his outstanding phone bill, online, so no cash.
I feel he needs his phone for his meetings and sponsor. I told him I want it back at payday. He’s a functioning addict, fortunately working from home atm.
I feel for you too, bump not easy is it? Did you find a meditation video, i think there’s a headspace app you can get too?
Thanks again for your support, sisters are doin it for themselves!
Lx
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Lol Theresa, you made me giggle there! I guess we all have our ways of burning off steam! I’ll keep that in mind though!
Take care of yourself too.
Always here if you need to vent or a chat.
Lx
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Theresa i dont want to get on the wrong side of you….. I may take a trip to b and q tommorow!
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Bump lol
Nice to have a bit silliness in our lives!
Lx
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Bump – I felt sad when I read your post yesterday about being at the seaside with your youngest and thinking of happier family times. I think its hard to not think about those things, men tend to be better than we are at compartmentalising. Have you heard from your son yet since the weekend? I hope things are okay.
Lindyloo, sorry about your expensive walk with your son, I’ve done that so many times, dropped everything just to find it was all about money, but that isn’t him, it is his addiction, he’s still there underneath, they all are.
Jenny, I hope your son managed to find somewhere to live that’s affordable.
Theresa, I get your chopping wood fetish, my partner does that. I like to go out on my bike, I have this long lane that is a long uphill. I used to hate it but I can get rid of a lot of inner turmoil and pent up anger when I am just focusing on the road in front of me, I think it also helps me to sleep.
My son may be going away for the weekend to a really good friend, who is nothing to do with drugs. I am not getting my hopes up, but it would be good for him, and give us a chance to maybe have a couple of days away. He is still doing okay, and has become an obsessive cook, which I think is helping with the cravings. He did an amazing chocolate cake yesterday and spag bol was ready when I came in from work tonight. Long may it continue. If my son can do it after the state he was in a few weeks ago, they all can when the time is right for them. Its just so soul destroying trying to keep them safe until they get to a point where they are prepared to really go for it.
I hope everyone gets a peaceful night
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Jem, im so glad to hear you’re getting a break. We only went away for the weekend, but it was really relaxing. Taking in the views and enjoying the sunshine.
Take pleasure in the little things I always say.
Night all
Lx
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Thank you , my son has found a room actually it was someone I remembered let out rooms from a few years ago and hubby phoned him and luckily he just had a room become available and my son likes it.
He’s moving in there tomorrow . He’s also text me earlier he has a job interview as well tomorrow so things are looking up for him . He’s told me he’s no longer using weed , and has also knocked the cocaine on the head ??? I’m not so sure about the cocaine . He still has a girlfriend and I think this is helping him mature . I’m trying to be positive , things are becoming better and he’s now talking to me and being polite.
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Hi Theresa,
I’m glad you are getting support by speaking to people on this forum. What you are going through with your son’s addiction is very hard. If you feel you would like more help for yourself please contact us at The Icarus Trust.
We are a charity that supports people going through what you are. We have trained and experienced people you could talk with who may help you to find a way ahead and will let you know what other support is out there for you.
You can contact Icarus Trust on help@icarustrust.org or visit our website http://www.icarustrust.org
All the best to you.
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Jem I’m glad your son is still doing well. Coming home to dinner and cooking sounds great. I really hope he has turned a corner.
Theresa I so relate to your comment about being screamed at when u try to talk to them and that youre giving them a panic attack. I have had that too. Even today when I was trying to give him advice.
My son finally called today ..strangely because he realises he now has no home from friday. Both my husband and I are standing firm that he cant come home but I know it will be so hard to enforce when hes banging on our door at 2am on a school night. I’ve told him we will call the police.
He is employing his usual tactic of trying to be nice but I’ve lost count how often he does that .
I’ve told him now is the time he needs to reflect on how his actions affects us and others and ultimately people have stopped being willing to help him.
It’s hard but I’m being told by so many.as well that he will have to reach rock bottom before he decides to change.
I hope everyone has a peaceful night and I take positives from those of you who’s sons are showing signs of changing.
Icarus trust I will look at your website.
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Bump- so sorry to hear that your son is putting your family through this heartache. So hard to make this decision, it was very brave to stand firm. Sometimes you need to be cruel to be kind. I do hope he sees sense and seeks the help he needs.
I’ll be thinking and praying for you.
Lx
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Bump- I’m really sorry things are so bad with your son. I don’t think you have much choice in keeping him out, especially as you have a younger child in the house. I really hope that he finds somewhere and isn’t banging on your door on Friday. At some point he will be ready to change but you have to protect yourselves while you are waiting for that to happen.
Sleep well everyone x
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Bump – not sure if your in the UK ? Because of Covid the government are housing rough sleepers , so if your son does knock on your door then call the police and hopefully he’ll then be in the system to get help . Have a look at your local councils website on homelessness and give him the tel number.
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Hes called the council and they said yesterday they wont help I literally cant believe the supported living and just throwing him out.
I was awake at 2am worrying about this. I’m so stressed.
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The council have a duty to help . If I was you I would first phone the ‘assisted housing’ to clarify , then I would call the council dept for homeless for advice , then shelter.
Your son can also phone his local citizens advice for advice , they know the law inside out .
If he was in fact dealing drugs they would need proof before they evict him. If they have proof then the council may deem him to of made himself homeless and won’t help him so shelter and CAB would be his way forward.
2 weeks ago I went on anti depressants and have slept better. Xx
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Bump – I agree with Jenny, I think it’s worth having another go with the assisted living people, making your case that he was not supported. Long term it doesn’t sound like a great option if they don’t do anything with the people who they are paid to support. Can you go higher than the person you spoke with previously?
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Well council.said last time if hes taking drugs hes intentionally making himself homeless.
I’m in a state today as no one will help.
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Bump – That’s such a simplistic answer as he was there to try and get help in getting off whatever he’s using. If he had it under control he wouldn’t have needed to be in a supported living setting in the first place.
You must be so frustrated with this.
Do you know what he is using apart from Ketamin?
I really feel for you on this.
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Mostly street valium and ket
It is unbelievable.
I’m sick with worry
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I found this on the shelter website The second paragraph may help
The decision letter
If the council considers you are intentionally homeless, it has to inform you in writing. The decision letter should explain:
that the council has decided that you are intentionally homeless
why it came to this decision
that you have 21 days to ask for a review of this decision.
What happens next?
If the council decides that you are intentionally homeless, it has to provide you with:
advice and assistance to find somewhere else to live
temporary accommodation while you look for a new home.
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thanks for this, hopefully if i speak to anyone at the council and ive spoken to her before and she was really unhelpful !
but maybe i can quote this to her.
nobody at my sons supported housing are calling me back.
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Exactly the woman in housing isnt returning my call and was awful to me last time.
I’ve been back onto the supported housing..I asked why in 3 weeks he met with noone and they knew what they were getting!
They said it takes time to put things gs in place. He then argued that my son wasnt engaging and most times he met with him he was wasted. I said surely that shld have prompted you to sort something out as he clearly was struggling and they put the owness on my son. I’m not defending my son but I feel he was set up to fail. Three weeks is a long time for someone with mental health and addiction issues to fumble along in a new house with other addicts and no help.. I questioned his duty of care as he will be on the streets as we cant accommodate him. I’m actually dumbfounded and how poor the service was. Not to mention stressed to the eyeballs.
Thanks all on this forum for your support.means slot.
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Your son didn’t stand a chance in that situation, it sounds like they are taking the funding but doing nothing for it. I think street valium/benzos need careful management to taper off because of the risk of seizures, so you could argue that he had no choice but to keep using until a proper plan is put in place. The agency could be accused of negligence.
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Keep trying , Maybe the sheltered housing has a list of trustees ? You can complain to about the lack of care /mentoring. Someone must of got your son in there can they not ‘help’ To sort this out.
Then I would call the homeless department at the council , maybe the person you dealt with before Is off sick or holiday .
I would phone the actual department.
I would also phone shelter for advice.
I would also ask my son the call the citizens advice to lodge a complaint against the council if they deny a duty of care.
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Sadly it’s the same person allocated to his case. They have said they want proof he is engaging with getting off drugs before helping him.
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Thanks theresa I do literally feel physically sick the qhilemsituation is making me ill.
I love and hate my son at the moment in equal measure.
He has had a lovely upbringing with an abundance of love and yet he chooses this way of life?
But deep down I know he is mentally unstable.
I feel for my youngest having an older brother like that.
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Hi all, I’ve been reading the thread and Bump I’m so sorry to hear of your troubles with your son.
I hope the girls information and advice will help you and your family.
My son also had a loving upbringing and a decent home.
I also feel sorry for his younger sister who has had to put up with seeing her mum and dad upset and walking about on edge all the time. It’s not fair is it?
Hopefully there is good news for you soon, we have to stay strong and remain positive.
My son is playing nice for the moment but payday is next week .
I’m staying positive that he’ll pay off his debts and go to his meetings.
Meanwhile you are all in my thoughts and prayers.
Lx
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I’m not sure if this helps but my son was at his absolute worst and I was right on the edge and out of ideas when he turned a corner. I was dreading him coming home from his friends this time and I know it’s early days but this is the best he’s been for a few years. You never know when something will click. And I know that I can be back there again easily but for now I am hoping.
Lindyloo I hope your son gets passed pay day, without being silly. I am worried about my son getting his UC next week. At the moment his bank app is on my phone ????.
Bump – I really hope you get some good news, you deserve it.
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Thanks Gem, me too.
Sorry I’m such a tech dinosaur…
how does the bank app work?
Lx
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Jem …even!
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His account is with Monzo, and you access it through their app. He took it off his phone and put it on mine so that I can see what’s happening. He buys drugs online so it helps him to get off them if there is accountability and I can see what’s happening. Our peace is very fragile and I know we are one transaction away from being back at square one.
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Bump: I hope things went okay with your son today and that he has somewhere to stay.
My son is going away for the weekend which means a long train journey. He’s going somewhere safe but I worry about him flipping and ending up somewhere else. I’d rather he stayed than risk it all but I can’t say too much.
I hope everyone has a peaceful night x
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Jem thanks for info about bank app. My son buys off scumbag dealers and runs up big debts unfortunately. Im glad it works for you though.
Youll be glad of the break and I’m sure your son will enjoy the change. Fingers crossed for you.
Bump, ive been thinking and praying for you, positive thoughts!
My son’s playing nice so far, doing meetings etc, staying clean so far.
Pay day next week..positive thoughts…
Sleep well everyone
Lx
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Lindyloo: Your son sounds like he’s doing really well, he’s obviously serious if he’s going to meetings. I understand why your anxious about payday. I have said to my son that if he goes on a splurge I won’t bail him out, it will be no frills food and that’s it. I don’t think it hurts them to be reminded about the money they’ve had from us and the expectation that it’s not happening next month.
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ladies thanks so much for your support
thought i would update you ….so after a week of stress and the thought that my son wld end up homeless. At about 4.30 i got a call from the contact at the supported living place he is being kicked out of. After me asking for them to intervene with the housing department the council lady(and ill use the term lady to be nice as she was literally the most rudest and unprofessional person ive ever dealt with). anyway council have agreed to put up a bond for somewhere for my son to live and supported housing have agreed to keep him in their house and allocate a member of staff to help him find somewhere.
As long as my son abides by the rules!
Supported housing have also said they wld like to still try and help my son!!! After all this.
So they cant promise anything but if a place becomes available in another one of their centres they will try and get him a place.
So things a bit better, i feel less stressed but also realistic!
Ladies i really hope that your own situations continue to improve its a living hell.
and i have to say that if we had an economy that was more buoyant more money really needs investing in mental health and addiction services, the whole system is a nightmare!!
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Hi all
Bump, that’s brilliant news!
You must be so relieved that your son has been given this chance, and at least you’ll know where he is and that he will be safe. That’s all you want as a mum isn’t it?
Jem, yes son is doing okay just now, but I’m still worried about pay day. But I’ll try and focus on what’s happening now…that’s mindfulness for you! So fortunately things are going well just now, fingers crossed ????
Hope you all have a good weekend!
Lx
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Bump, that’s really good news and well done for taking on the council and supported living people. I hope that this gives you a bit of breathing space and that your son gets better treatment by the people who are supposed to help him.
My son has gone away for the weekend and we are having a couple of days away ourselves. We went out for dinner tonight, just the two of us which I think is the first time in nearly 3 months. It’s really nice but I will be relieved when my son makes it home.
I hope that everyone has a good weekend and that there are no unexpected ‘buckets of poo’ waiting to trip us up xxx
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Hello everyone,
Just checking in, it’s gone very quiet on this thread, I hope that’s a sign that life is relatively calm. My son is nearly 6 weeks clean from hard drugs. He is doing well but I can see that it’s a real struggle, he is smoking a lot of weed which I hate but I think its probably too much to expect him to come off that at the moment.
I’d love to hear how things are going for everyone, I know this is a slow and messy business but I hope things are going in the right direction.
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hi jem funny i was thinking the same!
assuming/hoping its a sign all is calm. so pleased your son has been clean for so long 6 weeks is a long time. long may it continue.
my son has been given a new chance with supported living he was due to move to the new house on monday. i managed to speak to him that day despite the fact that mostly i ve not been able to get hold of him and he hasnt been returning my calls or txts. he said he didnt feel well and had a fever so i said he shld be getting covid tested (hadnt occured to him that it was) so now he has to wait for. test and results before moving. Other than that i dont know how hes been doing drugwise as hes not here or communicating to me. im trying to be hopeful and also enjoying the calm before another storm hits!!
really hope everyone else is doing well no chocolate cake mess and poo buckets to deal with!!
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Hi all , glad we’re all calm at the moment , my son has moved into a bed sit , he doesn’t like it he has to be in at 10pm every night or so he says !!! But he’s coming round nearly every evening for food. He seems a bit calmer but he ‘mentioned ‘ he had split with girlfriend ( maybe she didn’t like his new pants) . I’m feeling more optimistic it’s the ‘happy pills ‘ the doc put me on and sleeping better. He said he’s off the drugs but iv be told he ‘placed an order’ his brother heard him . We went out for a family meal last night and it was nice. He doesn’t say much and I don’t ask .
JEM It’s very good that your son has been off the drugs for 6 weeks , and Bump it’s good to know your son is safe and has somewhere to move too and hopefully get the help he needs
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Hi all, I’ve missed you guys
I was thinking the same. Our boys must be doing well or better anyway.
Jem : -So pleased for you, great news 6 weeks clean!! Long may it continue.
Bump : Good news about the supported living. Im sure he’ll come round again, he’s probably still getting his head together, no news is good news sometimes.
Jenny: hope the bedsit works out at least he’s being a bit sociable.
My son has been clean 3 weeks!
Even since payday- seems to be managing although I know the 12 steps are hard going cold turkey and all. We’re seeing him regularly so I can see how he’s doing.
Take care everyone ❤
Fingers crossed this positivity lasts.
Lx
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Lindyloo that’s great news x
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Hi guys
Well, I spoke too soon. Here we go again, son relapsed again at the weekend. He lives in his own flat, he left us early on Friday night.
Spoke to him yesterday and he admitted it.
I’ve got that sinking feeling again, we’re gonna have to bail him out for 2 or 3 weeks until payday.
It’s happening just about every month now. I feel like we’ve been taken for a couple of mugs again.
Him manipulating and getting everything he wants then, as soon as he’s paid …..back to his alcohol and whatever else.
It’s getting so predictable now, im dreading what’s coming next.
I do hope your sons are all doing better and giving you some peace of mind just now.
God give me strength!
Sorry needed to vent!
Lx
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I’m so sorry Lindyloo, I know how you’re feeling right now, The constant cycle is exhausting. Maybe he is serious about doing the 12 steps, but just slipped. Perhaps just buy him some food if he needs it and petrol/fares to work. I really hope he picks himself up and carries on.
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Thanks for your reply Jem.
I tried to sleep, but got up again.
Yeah, I’ll probably do that, i hope you’re right and its just a blip.
I hope so too
Take care ????
Lx
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Hi Lindyloo,
Sorry to read about your Son, hope your ok.
I wished they would realise what an impact it has on our life, but I know they don’t once the alcohol and whatever else gets hold of them.
Hopefully it will just be a blip. I know they find it hard when they have a lot of money in their account. My son spends loads on clothes at the moment, which is better than the alcohol and drugs, but you are always wondering what they are going to do.
Hopefully he will get back on track this week, doing his meetings and speaking to his sponsor.
Take care
Dx
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Lindyloo so sorry to hear that. I really hope it’s a very small blip and he gets back on track.
It’s such a rollercoaster I hope you manage to get some sleep.
I totally relate to what you said.
The fact he was doing so well means he can do it again.
Try and think of the positives as the negatives will weigh you down. I know that is easier said than done I just wish I cld write something that cld wave a magic wand for everyone.
I had positive meet with my son and felt bad that he looked so thin took him a massive food shop he seemed grateful and was nice to me but then yesterday I spoke to him he was back to being erratic and aggressive and hung up on me. So up and down and supported living dont seem to be doing anything.
I just feel grateful though hes not under my roof causing constant stress so dont feel I can complain.
Hope everyone is well and have some me time lindyloo to keep yourself sane.
Xx
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I have accused my son of stealing £5 from my purse , I knew I had two and then that evening (saturday) when I went to pay for shopping I only had 1 , also a month ago my lovely watch went missing , although I didn’t accuse him then , I mentioned it with the fiver Saturday evening when I tracked him down at the pub.
He says he’s not a thief but ! When he lost his flat he moved in with my mum who’s 84 and My brother , who Is on a lot of tablets due to his diabeties . I checked my sons backpack when he came to collect new clothes and my brothers viagra was in there.
He has stolen in the past , I used to have to take my purse to bed with me.
So he has sent a text telling me not to speak to him again ‘ until he’s dead ! ‘.
I have decided not to Feel sorry for him , he alone has decided to take this path .
Lindy loo I do feel for you the truth is your son bought the drugs as he knew you would bail him out. Next month take his wages of him or get them paid into your bank account until he can be trusted , take his bank card of him . My sister in laws son had a gambling problem and she Did this to control his spending. Make it a condition of you bailing him out this last time. Xx
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Thank you all ladies for your words if support. I can’t thank you enough, especially when I know you’re going through your own challenges.
Bump – I’m glad you met your son and it was fine for a bit, we know that he doesn’t mean to be aggressive, its the drugs that’s affecting their logic. It numbs their senses.
Jenny- sorry to hear that you suspect your son is stealing. Again, its the drugs, he’s not thinking straight, he’s been desensitised by them. You always have to sleep with one eye open, and looking over your shoulder all the time, don’t you?
I agree with you, by bailing him out every time, we’re enabling him. I’ll mention it to my hubby about taking his card or transferring his money. Unfortunately last time he bullied us into submission for it!
Debc – nice to hear from you too. I’m glad to hear your son is still drug free. Yes, they do see to find another outlet eg clothes. I think my son has ocd, whatever he does, it’s 100%. Can’t get counselling -doc says until he’s 6 months clean.
Again thank you all, I think we have a great support network here. Take care, big hugs to you all.
Lx
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Hi again ladies
I’m having a bad day, feeling low. Burst into tears a couple of times already today.
To cut a long story short son is missing work days because of alcohol and drugs. He’s really struggling and so are we (hubby and i) I’m seriously considering going private for counselling or rehab. I have no clue how to go about it. If they had a physical illness, you would try anything right?? I’m concerned for his psychological wellbeing as well as the addictions. Im trying to hold it together for the rest of the family.
All this covid stuff is compounding everything too.
Sorry to whinge, I know so many on this forum are a lot worse off than me. Just gonna have to put my big girl pants on and deal with it I guess!
I’d be grateful any advice.
Hope all is well with you guys. Big hugs to you all.
Lx
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Hi Lindyloo,
So sorry to hear your having a bad time, sending you a hug.
My Son used to miss work as well, and it really does start to upset you when this happens.
As you know my son has been to Rehab twice, but I do believe it helps, they are usually run by people who have themselves been in the same situation, I met some great people at the Rehab where my Son was, so warm, welcoming and just really nice people, and some of them had been to hell and back on their own journey.
There is some information on here in the Story section about a lady who opened up a Rehab, it is not too badly priced to be fair, but your Son has to be the one to make the decision, it sounds as if he could really do with some help at the moment, I feel for you all as a family.
Your not whinging, your a caring Mum like the rest of us, take care and keep in touch.
Dx
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Lindyloo, I’m so sorry things are not good. Its so hard, like watching your child from behind a glass wall drinking poison and setting fire to their life. It’s soul destroying, when all you want is for them to function and have a happy life. I’ve looked at rehab this last time round and spoke to 2 people that run facilities. They both said that you really have to find the moment when they are desperate to get clean. Something that has helped me, I started counselling with an addiction counsellor (not for my coffee habit) to help me to help my son. I do 30 min a week and I feel like I’m talking to someone who really understands what this is like for family members.
I really wish none of us were here going through this, it’s shit for them and for us. I really believe they will all win their battles, we just have to stay sane while we wait. I hope your son holds on to his job because having that framework is a real benefit if he can manage. My son plays computer games all day at the moment and I think the boredom is quite dangerous in recovery.
I know it’s hard but your son isn’t listening right now. Be there if he wants to talk but focus on what you can control at home.
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Hi Jem, thanks for your reply, it really means a lot especially hearing from other mums in the same boat or similar.
Yes, its difficult, I keep getting flashbacks to happier days when he was a sweet little sensitive lad.
Its upsetting to see him so tormented by this evil addiction.
How did you get your counselling, through doctor? I’m in UK.
Lx
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Thanks for your reply Debc. I really appreciate it.
He has such a good job, if he did rehab, I expect he’d have to leave it. He looked so tormented tonight, it broke my heart seeing him like that.
If he left his job for it, he’d need to give up his flat i expect , i have no idea how it works.
I think he’s at the stage where he needs to do something before it destroys him completely.
Thanks again for your kind words.
Lx
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Hi Lindyloo,
Could he take some annual leave from his job? Or get signed off by the Doctor for a while? At least he could still have his job and not keep being absent from work.
It is so sad seeing them like it, and not knowing what to do for the best.
It’s great to come on here and be able to share and know that other people care.
Dx
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Lindyloo, I found my own addiction counsellor here in the UK, and pay £30 for half an hour. It’s worth the money because he helps me to remember its my son’s recovery and that he has to be in control. I get to vent my fears and frustrations to someone who understands the situation. I’m sure your son will come back around, relapse seems to be part of getting sober. Just remember your big girl pants are the bottom half of a superwoman costume 🙂
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I could maybe suggest that Debc, he’s had so many sick days though. Mentioning that he has an addiction has such a stigma attached to it. I don’t know how the company would view it, if they were aware of the real circumstances. They might not want him on the team.
Hopefully we’ll all get a good sleep tonight.
Thanks again Debc take care,
Lx
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Sorry lindyloo I’ve just read all this thread.
I really feel for you the good thing about his thread is we can share how we feel and vent off.
It must be heart wrenching to watch. I know as mums we want to help them and it feels like we are so helpless.
All the professionals etc I speak to say they have to really want the help and to stop but the problem is the addiction has control and they cant help themselves and as tpu say it torments them as deep down they do want to stop.
I hope you have luck finding something .
My son is so up and down he says hes stopped but i dont know weather to beleive him. he has rang up for money etc this week and hung up on me when I said no which makes me think that irrational response means the money was for something dodgy!
He tells me he gets no help at supported living other I guess than the roof over his head! I feel so grateful he has that house that I darnt ring supported living to question them on their support.
I wish this country did more for addiction as private rehab is so.expensive.
Big hugs to all..we will get through this.
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Hi Bump22
Thanks for your reply, I really appreciate it, and your kind words of support.
I think he would be willing to try some kind of counselling or rehab but it’s so expensive. It might not even work.
Our sons are a worry, you feel helpless seeing them so tormented. At least your son is safe and he’s in contact albeit for cash. We don’t give ours cash either.
I agree about the lack of support for addictions from the government, it IS a mental health issue after all.
As parents we can only do what we can for them, but also take care of our own health and well-being.
Take care Bump, hope you have a good weekend and be good to yourself.
Lx
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Well, its all kicking off tonight.!
I had a nice relaxing day with my hubby, a nice trip in car to a coastal town, nice walk along the beach.
On the way back, my son phoned. He mentioned about owing money to some scumbag dealer. Needs it urgently blah blah. I said speak later, hes just left our house tonight yelling and bawling at us saying he needs to pay this guy or he’ll come looking for him.
After last month, we said we weren’t gonna do it again.
I said about looking after his account/bank cards etc. He went crazy, saying we’re not helping him . He left saying he’ll be beat up now. I can’t do this anymore, I cried most of yesterday, my heart is pounding out my chest, my daughter’s upset. Where’s it gonna end if we have to bail him out all the time.
Have we done the right thing by saying no, until he gives us some kind of commitment?
He’s away back to his flat now.
Sorry ladies, not a great start to the weekend is it?
Lx
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I think you have totally done the right thing. You cannot keep bailing him out he knows that bank of mum and dad will end up paying eventually even though you are doing it under severe duress.
The thought of our sons being beaten up is horrific but maybe it wld put them at rock bottom that they decide to really crack their habit.
Everyone I spoke to wld tell me me helping him is enabling him. I mean I’m still in our hideous addiction journey with my son but have decided I am not going to pay for his addiction. It will be never ending. Its horrendous that we feel nothing but love for our kids who only see us as walking cash machines. I really feel for you. Addiction is mental torture as much for us as living parents as it is for them. I hope you manage to relax and sleep tonight xxx
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Thanks Bump, your kind words mean a lot. Even as I’m sitting here my heart is jumping out my chest. Must be anxiety I think.
I tried to say it was hell for us too, and he really didn’t get what I meant.
We’ll see what happens tomorrow.
Hopefully we’ll all sleep tonight.
Take care and thank you again Bump
Lx
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Hi Lindyloo,
I know how you are feeling with your heart jumping out of your chest, I think it is anxiety, It’s a horrible feeling and only bought on because of their actions.
Glad to hear that you had a nice day with your husband, and then you get bought back to earth again, been there many times.
I had a conversation with my Son today about how it all affects us, and I told him that it was a living hell, but I really don’t think he got what I was on about, all they think about is themselves, very selfish.
Hope you can get a good nights sleep, take care.
Dx
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They dont get it..addiction is so selfish. But you have done nothing wrong. Try and take deep breaths …have u got a relaxation app or something? Dont let it make you illx
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Hi Debc and thank you Bump too
I’ve settled a bit, I do 5 min meditation and they’re good.
I remember when my son was working through the 12 steps, there’s a point where they have to apologise to the people they’ve hurt during their addiction.
So he knows…hes just forgotten, like you say, the addictions turn them into selfish, manipulating liars. The drugs actually desensitise them, he told me that too..
I hope and pray that our boys see sense soon, courage, hope and strength, I think thats the motto for them,
Good night and God Bless Ladies
Take care ❤
Lx
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You have done the right thing , you are not to blame – he will hopefully learn now that he shouldn’t buy drugs and pay later if he hasn’t the money.
If you had paid his debt he would of done it again and again and again and bled you dry.
Please be strong , he’s an adult and made the choice.
I Know it’s easy to say as he’s not my son but you know it’s true.
For his sake you had to say No .
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Hi Jenny, thanks for your reply.
At least im calmer now.
I’m standing firm with it, but my husband said, we’ll see tomorrow.
I said to my son, tell the guy he can wait til payday like the rest of us! He made me feel so mad.
I feel so sad all time, its like I’m in mourning for the son he used to be. Does that make sense?
I hope things are better for you just now.
Take care, good night
Lx
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I feel like that too .mourning for my old son..my living room is adorned with photos of happier times when he was younger..it feels surreal where we are with him now.
Sometimes it’s like this whole covid thing I just cant get my head round how life has changed.
Try if you can to put it to the back of your mind if tph possibly can and enjoy the weekend.
Go for a nice walk with your husband take in the lovely colours of the autumn trees…sorry if that sounds corny but when I’m feeling low and desperate I try to appreciate those things.
Xxx
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Morning Bump
Thank you for your words of support.
I agree with you, covid is definitely compounding things for us all . I really hope things are better for you and your son too.
I’ll go out with hubby for a drive and a switch off. You’re not being corny at all, the posh word for it these days is mindfulness…living in the current moment!
I do try to take pleasure in the little things these days. Otherwise I’d go crazy. I’m very fortunate to have my husband and daughter who are very supportive.
Thanks again, hope you have a peaceful weekend.
Lxx
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My son called my mum in tears , he doesn’t like living in the bedsit and his life is crap .
He wants to go live back at my mums but she can’t have him my brother says no .
I went round to see him he says he’s being bullied by the landlord , the rent is due tomorrow and he wanted it today , my son said he’s money only comes through tomorrow and the guy said ok but find another room by next month.
My son looks unwell , I think he’s hitting his ‘rock bottom ‘ I sat in the car and showed him his face in the car mirror. He looks like a piss head.
He finally admitted stealing my brothers viagra . I didn’t get a reason .
Iv told him to pay his rent tomorrow and look for another room in the next month.
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Hi Jenny,
I’m really sorry about your son struggling at the moment, and having to find another room. That must be unsettling for him, and really hard at the moment. Its heart-breaking seeing them sink like this. Its probably for the best that he doesn’t stay with your mum, you may have an even bigger problem to worry about. I hope he does turn a corner soon.
I still have my son home, he is 7 weeks clean from heroin but its so hard. I feel like he is running out of steam with it. He stays in his room all day, eats in there and only comes out at night when we are in bed. He is spoking weed, so spaced out most of the time and eating everything in sight. I just hope he turns a corner, because it feels so much like we have been here before. I feel guilty when I am at work, and we seem to bicker when I come home – the mess in his room!!! He won’t talk to anyone about what he’s going through, just wants to manage it himself. We went out for a meal the other night just the two of us, he ate a huge amount of food and got drunk. I just feel we are replacing one problem for another, its like he is so strong when he starts to get clean, but maintaining it is hard, hard work. Sorry I have grumbled on, it just feels endless at the moment.
I hope that everyone else is doing better and that there are positive things happening.
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God It’s hard , No sleep last night and my husband is getting stressed with him and Covid. The landlord was knocking on his door at 10am for the rent. He’s paid it so has 1 month to find another room , he came round and cleaned up , I know I not supposed to have anyone in but I class him as very vulnerable. He has threatened To overdose on tranquillisers . He shaved his beard and now looks cleaner and he has a job interview tomorrow .
No girlfriend they did split up. I have said the only way he could come back home is when he’s clean from drugs and booze.
It’s something for him to aim for.
Your son is probably bored and sleeping a lot , I wish they would get an addiction like running , or keep fit.
I would pay for a monthly gym membership if I knew they were open. Maybe that’s something your son would also like and Something to do .
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Hi Jenny and Jem
I’m sorry to read your stories today. I just wanted you to know that I’m thinking and praying for you.
I haven’t met either of you but I know that you are both great mums who just want the best for
their sons. I wish I had all the answers but at least you know you have someone to tell your troubles to, on this forum.
We’re all pretty much in the same boat, so we all understand each other.
Jenny, I hope your son has a good interview tomorrow, maybe the prospect of a new job will give him something to focus on.
Jem, 7 weeks clean from heroin – that’s good progress . Maybe he’s still in withdrawal from it, are you able to get advice from anywhere on what to expect and how to taper him off weed?
I do hope things get better for you all soon.
My son is settled again for now, back to work, online meetings. I’m not getting my hopes up too much!
Unfortunately, my husband caved and paid the debt. Son has promised he’ll pay it back. I wasn’t happy but , we’ve said, absolutely never again. Fingers crossed again!
Thinking and praying for you and your families.
Always hear to chat
Lx
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Ladies I’ve just read your posts. I’m so sorry what you are going through. Jenny I hope your sons interview goes well it’s good he has even got an interview as just getting a foot through the door is difficult these days especially with covid.
Jem your son is doing so well I really pray that he gets strength from somewhere and keeps off the heroin. Although I know what you mean about replacing one problem with another if my son is off the drugs then hes on the drink he doesnt seems able to get through life without something.
It’s a shame Jenny that he split with girlfriend as she was probably and good focus for him.
It’s such a roller coaster.
I havnt heard from my son since last weekend when he asked for some money. I actually did a food shop for him yesterday and have tried all day yesterday and today to get hold of him to pass it on to him but he isnt picking up or replying to messages which makes me think the worse. And cross that the food may go to waste.
Lindyloo I totally get why your husband caved and paid the debt it’s so stressful. None of us need this as will as all the covid stuff that’s adding stress to our lives. I am meeting a friend tommorow having to meet outdoors…I am determined to have some fun even if I’m sat with a sodden lunch and watered down glass of something from the rain!!
Hope everyone gets to enjoy the weekend as much as possible. I think of you all the time and hoping and praying for all tour situations.x
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Hi Bump
Good to hear from you.
I’m sorry that you’ve not heard from your son yet. My son does that when he’s binged. He lies low and he tells us that he sleeps a lot of the time. I guess it’s the body repairing itself. If only they’d just send a text to say they’re okay though.
I usually send a daily text to say, ‘let me know you’re okay please ‘
Sometimes I get a reply and sometimes I don’t.
For the moment, concentrate on yourself, have a lovely time with your friend. I met a friend for coffee the other day and felt normal. It was nice.
Hope we all have a peaceful weekend, ill be thinking and praying for us all. Big hugs,
Lx
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Sorry ladies I need to vent off…finally have heard from my darling son(sense the sarcasm)
Hes been kicked out again and for the final.time from supported living for drug taking .
He is now homeless. I’m so stressed he cant come.back here with my younger son here and it’s cold and wet out ..I feel sick.
I cant beleive he has blown 2 chances at that place. I’m cross and stressed but equally so sad that this addiction has got such a hold of him and is destroying his life….oh and ours!
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Oh Bump, im so sorry to hear that, i don’t know what to say . It must be so awful for you and your family. Is there anyone on this forum, home page or Icarus trust that could give you some advice?
He may have friends who can let him stay.
Is this the rock bottom that they have to experience before they turn their lives around?
I read one of the threads whereby a mum had to put her son out of the house for same reasons. She said she didn’t see him for a while, then he turned a while later clean.
He’s been clean 8 years now and has a good job and everything, he even apologised to her for all he put her through.
When I read it , it gave me hope that a person can turn their life around if they are really strong and put their mind to it.
I hope and pray that he, and our troubled sons will see the light sometime soon.
Until then Bump, you can only be there for him when he genuinely wants to quit the drugs.
Please look after yourself and your family, I know its difficult to switch off, but you need to hold it together just now.
Always here for you ❤
Lxx
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Bump – I’m sorry sorry that your son has had to leave his supported living place. I can imagine how stressed you must be feeling. He’ll know that you love him, and as Lindyloo has said this might be the jolt that he needs. You have to prioritise your younger child right now. I think with Covid there is more support out there to prevent rough sleeping, and he is likely to have friends he can crash with. Have a look to see if you have a local homeless charity that will help people with substance issues. They might be more understanding than your local council.
At some point he will come round and will need support from his family in beating this. Something my son said recently: you can’t help someone who is burning down their house but you can help them to rebuild once they stop. Something like that, he was talking about himself a few months ago.
In Wales we are back in full lockdown for 16 days so no one will be going anywhere for a while which helps a lot.
Thanks for being there, I hope everyone has a calm weekend.
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Hello everyone. I’ve spent a good while reading through this post in full and it has been a difficult thing to read if I’m honest.
I’m an addict that has been using drugs in one form or another for the last 21 years. Although I’m not using any class A drugs at the moment I don’t class myself as being in recovery because I am smoking cannabis still but I’m finding a couple of joints in the evening when I’ve finished work is keeping me away from the crack and heroin and although the cannabis use isn’t an ideal solution it’s the lesser of two evils. When I read the way that you have been affected by the behaviour of the addicts in your lives it made me realise how much pain and suffering I have caused the people who have been supporting me over all these years. So much so that I just rung my mum to let her know how much she means to me.
I know it’s difficult for a non addict to understand what being an addict is like and how it makes the way we function and think all about the drugs but what I didn’t realise was just how much I didn’t understand the feelings of the family and friends that have had to deal with my addiction and everything that goes with it.
I’m sorry if this post doesn’t make much sense to anyone but I felt compelled to write something just to acknowledge the sacrifices you have all made in a financial, emotional and personal way. I’d like to wish everyone all the very best and I hope your situations improve and you and the addicts in your lives get the help you deserve. I know people in active addiction can be the most vile and disgusting form of a human being there is but I also know that is the drugs and not the person. I hope you all get your loved ones back to the people you know they can be. I don’t know if it would help at all but if I can answer any questions or anything like that I am happy to.
Thanks for allowing me to get this off my chest x
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Jaynhissay, thank you for your post. I felt quite emotional reading it. I really appreciate you taking the time to put your thoughts and feelings on the forum.
I’m sure the other mums will also appreciate your words. I’m glad you found our post and replied.
We understand it’s not easy for our sons to stop, we know it’s an evil drug that’s like an itch you have to scratch. I admire people who are strong enough to change, enough to stop them from ruining their future happiness, and for their families who love them .
I think you should be proud of yourself for what you have accomplished so far, and for ringing your mum.
Thanks fir wearing your heart on your sleeve, your kind message has given me hope for my son’s future. Im sure the other mums will agree with me.
Take care and thanks again, im sure any future advice you can give will be appreciated.
Lx
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Thank you so much for your kind words and encouragement. I am keeping everything crossed that your boys can do what they need to in order for them to recover and escape from the world of active addiction
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Jaynhissay – thank you so much for reading our thread and for being so honest and open about your own battle. I don’t think anyone would judge you for smoking a bit of weed, getting off the really hard stuff is amazing, your mum must be so happy to have you back. That’s so encouraging for us to hear about.
We know that being an addict is not a decision that our kids made. Lots of people experiment and don’t end up where they are. But I guess as a parent there is no easy way through as it’s their battle, all we can do is try to even up the odds a little, at best and stand by and watch. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.
I really wish you all the best in life, you deserve to be happy xxx
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Ladies thanks once more for your support.
Jaynhissay thank you for taking the time to post I too was very emotional reading it. You have done so well to get to where you are and I’m sure your mum is so proud of you.
I dont feel my son sees me as a supportive loving mum as he thinks I shld still be providing g a roof over his head and everything. I cldnt sleep last night knowing he cld be either banging on my door at any point or equally out in the cold.
Your right jaynhissay I dont understand being an addict but what is rock bottom? What can I do that will ultimately help him get on the right track? Has anything helped you? I’m so scared for him and for us as a family.
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Thank you Jaynhissay for your helpful post , it gives us hope that our grown up children can also find their way to be free from drugs /alcohol. What was your rock bottom ? Is there such a thing ?
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When I look at my son I think if that were me I wld be at rock bottom…homeless jobless he looks ravaged by his addiction I just despair at how dark a place he has to get to
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Bump – I’m thinking of you and your son. I don’t think my son started to help himself until he was out of all other options in terms of friends and a place to stay. It’s the hardest thing to have to watch your own child go through this. But you never know when they are about to turn that corner, it seems to come out of know where.
I just heard this morning my very elderly mum has been taken to hospital with a heart problem. I’ve neglected her badly while trying to help my son. When it’s your child it’s all consuming and somehow you have to stay sane for everyone else in your life and for yourself.
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Bump 22 sending hugs Keep strong xx
I would check if they are allowed to throw him out at this time ? Surely they have a duty of care .
Call your local CAB for advice .
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Jem, im sorry to hear about your mum. Don’t beat yourself up about it as you can’t physically be everywhere. I’m sure she’d understand. The best you can do is prioritise everyone’s needs – including your own.
I’m hope its nothing serious and she’ll be on the mend soon.
Bump- still thinking and praying that the situation gets better for you. You know that we’re all thinking of you here.
Take care
Lxx
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Jem sorry about your mum and dont feel bad as we know our sons issues are all consuming. You can be there for her now.
I hope its nothing serious.
Thinking of you.
Xx
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Thanks for your kind words. I just felt so bad when the paramedic called this morning. She lives 90 minutes away, and I visit once a week and sort out her food shopping and we have a meal. She is in sheltered accommodation so is safe but she’s lonely for family. Now she’s in hospital and I can’t visit because of lockdown, I just feel bad she is alone. I’ve not ever told her about my son’s problems but she knows something is up and doesn’t understand why she’s seen so little of him in the last few years. Before all of this my son would pick her up in his car and take her for dinner, then his visits stopped dead, and I’ve never really explained fully. He does visit her more now which is good. She’s not very understanding about mental health issues, despite having had her own problems.
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Bloody lockdown how awful for you. But if she doesnt understand mental health and drugs etc youndid the right thing not telling her you were shielding her from any stress and upset and that wldnt have been good for her health.
I have been on a real goose chase I cant get hold of my son his girlfriend or ex whatever she is messaged she says he told her took an overdose and was hospitalised and then supported living kicked him out but I just dont know if that’s true as it doesnt as up..also he told her he took 300 street valium which I’m sure wld have killed him?
Anyway his phone has gone from going straight to voicemail to ringing so I’m assuming g hesalive and has been able to charge his phone….I dont know what to do as I also cant let him back here anyway.
Life is a mess.
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Hi everyone I’m sorry for the delay in replying I’ve just got home from work. Jem I’m so sorry to hear that your mum is poorly I hope she makes a quick recovery and I am sure the extra pressure on you and the rest of the family is huge so please try to take care of yourself in all of this.
In response to Jenny and bump when you asked what my rock bottom was the honest truth is I had that many times when I thought I was as low as I could go but I’m not sure if this is true for every addict but I used to just adapt to the situations I found myself in and carry on. I did a residential rehab and was clean for nearly 9 months but relapsed just before Xmas. What I found to be really helpful from my mum especially was just been able to speak to her about the intensity of the cravings for drugs and I don’t think she was able to relate to the feelings personally but I think it helped her to see how passionate ( I couldn’t think of another word) and animated I used to get when trying to explain how i was feeling.
It’s must be so difficult to watch a loved one destroying themselves but until the addicts have had enough of it all and are willing to be open and honest with everyone who is a part of their lives and cut out the people who are associated with that world the only thing I think you can do to help further is try and take good care of yourself and the rest of the family so that when they are ready your ready too. I knew I was hurting my mum and causing her to be ill and I used to use more drugs in the hope of blanking that out but I think it’s so important that for us addicts to get an idea of what your going through and I would recommend putting it in writing to them. I found that I didn’t want to listen if I was being told but it was different when it was in writing.
Did you get to the truth about the possible overdose bump?
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Thanks for that jaynhissayy that’s helpful advice.
I didnt get to the full truth I’ve been piecing things together but have now had to report my son as missing. The housemates at his supported living place shocked me with how he had been behaving and the lack of support and said he died seems to have some psychosis. Noone has heard from him and about an hour ago I got a call from his phone but it had been found by a homeless person in london. I am sick with worry he has no phone or money and is acting in a very confused unstable way. Waiting for the police to get back to me.
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Hi Bump22,
I hope you receive good news about your Son.
Thinking of you at this very stressful time for you.
Take care.
Dx
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Bump: Thinking of you and your family, I really hope you get news that your son has been found safe.
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Bump, I don’t know what to say other than I’m thinking and praying for you and your family.
I hope he’s found soon, at least if the police are involved, things will start moving forward for you.
Take care
Lxx
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Bump22 sorry to hear this , please keep strong , and if you can on another phone ( as the police are calling you back ) call anyone he may know in London ? Where was The sheltered home he was in located ? Was it London ? Call back the phone and offer a reward for it ? £50 I’m in London I can meet this homeless person and get the phone for you ? And give them money ?
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Bump I hope your son is found safe and well I really do! I’ve experienced drug induced psychosis and it’s not a nice place to be at all. What drugs does your son use?
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My husband is on the way to embankment now the homeless guy gave me his own contact number and so my husband may try to get the phone although it doeant help us much and I’m worried about covid and my husband being in contact with people not washing their hands.
My sons supported living was in surrey and I’ve rang around the friends that I know and I dont know of any contacts he has in london. He also wont know to find his way to people without his phone and contact details.
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He basically takes either ketamine or street sanex and valium.
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Im sure your husband will take precautions and be safe . It’s important to get that phone as it will have details of the last person he called on it and maybe texts. I’m sure your husband will find out where it was found . Call his ‘girlfriend ‘ back and explain everything ask her what hospital he said he was at and when ! He may of been telling the truth. Have you told the police that he is now without His phone and money ? Speak to his girlfriend ask her if she knows why he might be in London ( it’s not too far from some parts of Surrey ).
It’s good that the homeless person called you and is willing to give you the phone , I hope your son is found safe .
XXX
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So he did go to hospital but he hasnt deliberately taken an overdose it was actually his usually daily overdosing of valium that he does as part of his addiction and supported living took him to hospital to be checked out and was apparently back at his house a few hrs later.
Yes your right about the phone I’ll get my husband to try and get it.
God I feel sick.
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I’ve spoken to.my husband hes up at embankment now and asking people if they have seen him hes going to call the homeless guy and get the phone.
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There may be people providing free food to the homeless who may have seen your son. Here is a link that lists locations and contact details. Hopefully by morning he will have turned up, but if not you may be able to speak to people who can help.
We are all hoping and praying for you, this could been anyone of us.
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Thanks so.much. my husband has now got his phone and security at the skate park on embankment saw him last night. But nothing further than that.
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Could you possibly go through the phone to try and see if there is anything on there that would give you a clue as to if there’s anywhere he goes to regularly or any other information that may be useful to help find him
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Bump – that’s wonderful that a security chap has seen him so recently. I know that you are worried that he doesn’t have a phone now, and I have been through that a few times with my son. He didn’t remember phone no’s but he could usually blag someone to log into his gmail account. I know how worried you are but I’m sure he’ll still be able to reach you.
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The phone is one hes only had temporarily I dont think he has anyone numbers as he called me to get his girlfriends.
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Hi Bump22,
You might be able to see the last people he txt or rang.
Great that the Security man remembered seeing him.
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Bump: Thought about you in the night, really hoping that you hear from your son today xxx
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Bump, ive been thinking and praying for you and your son. I hope you managed to get some rest.
Today’s a new day, hopefully police will locate your son.
Take care and stay strong.
Lxx
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Jem, hope that your mum is okay,
My parents are both well into their 80s. Its a worry when they take ill.
You look after yourself too.
Lxx
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Thanks Lindyloo,
I had a call late yesterday from the hospital to pick Mum up. She has a mild water infection. I came back with her and stayed over. She is up and about today and seems loads better. I hope that things are calm in your household, how is your son doing? I know our lives are about good days and bad days but hopefully he’s going in the right direction xxx
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Jem glad tour mum is ok.
After an awful night I for a call about half hour ago from my son.
He had got mugged on the embankment on friday of everything has 2 teeth missing and slept rough bit closer to home.
I’ve informed police….but now what ?ridiculous as he still cant stay here.what a mess.
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Bump22 – I’m so relieved for you that your son has turned up. That must have been a horrible experience for him. When my son disappeared at the end of August he was psychotic and I wonder if I could have got him sectioned which may have got him on a treatment path. Maybe it’s possible to argue that your son is a danger to himself, I think you said that he is a regular at a&e because of od-ing . You’d have to know exactly where he is to do this.
There seems to be no option in the uk to keep people safe while you wait for them to come to their senses.
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Hi Jem,
I’m so pleased for you that she’s home and nothing too serious, that’s a relief for you all.
My son has been cold turkey, attending meetings, meeting with new sponsor. Went back to work, ironically, his work is good and he’s getting a rise. Good news. So he’s quite optimistic and calm for now. Pay day next week, so fingers crossed that he’ll keep up the good work.
I feel I’m constantly on eggshells, but I’m trying to focus on the ‘now ‘ not what might happen!
I’m so thankful for this forum and the fact I can speak openly to others who understand and offer support.
Enjoy what’s left of the weekend, where lockdown allows of course.
Take care
Lx
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Lindyloo: That’s really good news about your son, he sounds very serious about getting clean. Brilliant that he still has his job, if he can keep going it’s so much better to have some structure.
I know payday is a big trigger, fingers crossed that he gets past it. I think it’s brilliant that he’s going to meetings and has support from people who have been there and can speak from experience.
It’s good for us all to hear something so positive xxx
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I’m so glad he’s been found .
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Jem that’s such good news and is so encourage g for us all.
My son is in a town nearby and now wasted on what I dont know. So although hes been found and not missing he is still street homeless. I just dont know where this going to end.
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Bump, so pleased for you , I’ve been worried for you. The power of prayer. At least he’s alive, I really hope he sees the light and seeks help for everyone’s sake and mental health.
Thinking of you all
Lxx
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Streetlink maybe able to help ?
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Thanks jenny funnily enough my sisters friend who helps deal with homeless through her church sent me street links details they gave me local council housing number but they didnt help. My son was a horrid sweary mess and looked out of it and said he didnt want help and said he doent mind living on the streets…I spent 4 hours with police officers in the cold. Finally got my son to agree to stay in a premier inn which he initially refused but at our expense.
We cant do it again and so I know the problem will be there tommorow. Officers telling me to take a step back as he is clearly choosing to live this way.
I hope everyone else is ok.
I feel totally drained by this weekend. And know more is to come.
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Hi Bump22,
Glad your son was found, and staying somewhere safe tonight. Hopefully he will realise how nice and comfortable he can be and reach out for further help.
Thinking of you.
Dx
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Bump i have nothing but admiration for you. You and your family have been through so much. You are so strong, I don’t know how I would’ve coped in your situation .
Hopefully if he’s sleeping in comfort tonight it will inspire him to see the light, and ask for help.
Try and be good to yourself tonight, enjoy being with the rest of your family. Don’t think too far ahead, concentrate on the now.
I was stressed to the max 2 weeks ago due to my son, he’s turned it around, im happy with that for the moment.
Take care, thinking and praying for you always
Lxx
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Lindyloo I need to echo your admiration for bump. I honestly do not know how you have coped with everything you’ve been through. I am just thinking back to when I was in a similar situation to your son and kept telling people I didn’t want any help but the reality was a lot different. I don’t know if this is something that your son would even consider but I would be willing to talk to him about doing something to break the cycle of active addiction. I don’t necessarily have all the answers but I can share my experiences of it and could possibly relate to the thoughts and feelings he’ll be having ????????♂️ like I said I don’t know if it’s a viable option but I would like to help in any way I can and give something back
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Hi Jayhissay,
You sound like a wonderful person, such kind words to Bump, I hope he reaches out to you.
Take care.
Dx
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Debc, I was thinking the same.
Some things are meant to be.
There are good people in this world.
Lx
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Lindyloo,
There are very good people in the world.
Thinking of you and everyone tonight.
Dx
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Hi Deb
Thank you for your lovely words. It has really hit me hard reading the posts on here and while I’m trying to do what I can to make amends to my family and friends that have had to deal with my addiction, I feel it’s important to be available to give whatever help I can give to others in the same situation
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It’s so hard sometimes to know what to do. It’s nice to hear from people like you, I know everyone is not the same, but at least it gives an idea of what you are going through.
My Son took me out for lunch today, paid for it and we had a really nice time. We can chat now and not having the lies is wonderful.
My problem is, that I worry too much and get myself into such a state, I believe that I am suffering from anxiety because I’m over thinking everything, I really don’t want to go down this road. I don’t want to put pressure on my Son, and this is really not me. I am usually such a strong person but I think the last few months are taking their toll now, but talking about it and putting it on here really helps.
I hope you continue to do well and keep in touch on here, it’s such a good place to be able to put all our thoughts.
Take care.
Dx
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Debc: That must be wonderful to be taken out for lunch by your son. It’s hard to just enjoy it for what it is, when you’ve been through so much. I think it’s probably going to take a long time to feel safe. I try to focus on the here and now but it’s hard not to let your mind race to the ‘what if.’ It’s really good that he’s doing so well and talking to you x
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In awe of the kindness and support here, it’s been a massive support for me. I’ve told my son that a snall group of mums support each other online (but not where), and he had been asking about Bump’s son. I think he has realised the hurt that family go through. Jayhissay it’s so kind of you to care about what happens here. Bump I really hope that your son will listen.
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Bump – maybe your son thinks he doesn’t deserve to be Safe and Comfortable as he ‘ruined ‘ his life through his addictions – he needs help , someone to talk too , someone to advice him . Someone to explain it’s never too late . Maybe you could call Drugfam tomorrow for yourself and family , they maybe able to advice you on the best way to help your son.
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Bump – maybe your son thinks he doesn’t deserve to be Safe and Comfortable as he ‘ruined ‘ his life through his addictions – he needs help , someone to talk too , someone to advice him . Someone to explain it’s never too late .
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Thanks everyone for kind words of support. Xx
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Thanks for your post Jaynhissay.
Good luck to you..
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Thank you. I do appreciate the supportive and encouraging comments on this forum.
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Hi,
Sorry if this is a bit random, I’m working from home, doing very boring stuff and thought about this little group and how we’ve come together through such sad and horrible circumstances. Thank you for being there.
Lindyloo: I know you will be worrying about pay-day. I hope that he is back in control of his head a little bit and is able to deal with having some cash.
Bump: Thinking about you, I hope that your son is not sleeping rough and has managed to get a place to stay, so that you and your family can have some peace and sleep at night.
Jenny: I hope that your son is doing better, I think you said that he had a job interview, I hope that worked out.
Debc: I hope things are continuing in the right direction for your son, it sounds like he is doing really well.
Jayhissay: – I hope you are having a good week, its lovely that you are here with us.
My son is happier, smoking less weed and currently not craving heroin – I am not complacent but so grateful for days like these 🙂
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Hi JEM,
Not random at all, it’s good to put your thoughts down and I for one really appreciate your kind words.
Like you, I am not complacent, but the good days are the best, and it’s so nice to see them laughing, being able to chat with them is great and spending some quality time too.
It’s really nice not to have that constant knot in your stomach too. Long may it continue.
Take care
Dx
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JEM he went for the interview and it’s the 2nd time THEY didn’t show up , it’s a company that gets work for amazon drivers . I told him if they contact him again not to bother .
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Hi Jem
Thanks for your message. I totally agree with you, it’s great to have this wee support group. You all sound like such lovely people, something positive out of something negative!
Yes, fingers crossed, so far so good, echoing Debc comments, enjoying quality time.
I’m still praying for us and our boys, thank goodness I have my faith and you guys.
I was thinking about Theresa, I hope her situation has improved.
Great to have Jaynhissay on board with us too.
Jenny and Bump, thinking and praying for you and your sons in particular. You are both so strong.
I’m back at work too, but at least it’s a distraction, and other folk to talk too(not this stuff though!)
Thanks for being there.
Lxx
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Ladies lovely reading your posts and agree we are lucky to have this thread because we can be there for when times are bad and give support and equally gain encouragement from when things are good.
I have just got home from dealing with more issues with my son he hasnt stopped drinking for days and slept rough last night.
His friends went searching for him while I was at work and found him with crack heads on sutton high street they bundled him in a car and got him closer to home. He is in a terrible state I got them to call paramedics but he refused to go to the hospital. I’ve made phone call upon phone call and managed to get him an emergency night in a travelodge paid for by the council.
I’ve also spoken to a place that is as close to rehab that I can find and is funded by council benefit..if I can get son to stay off drink and drugs long enough for an assessment and to stay off it as he needs to have been clean for a month he cld get a place but alot of iffs.
Hes in the worst state I’ve seen him and isnt thinking straight at all he has decided the crack heads are his friends.
All his real friends have turned into lovely young men and really care about him.
If it wernt for covid I know they wld take him in but they cant.
I hope and pray we get so.ewhere tomorrow as I feel like I’m on the brink of a breakdown. I’m supposed to be taking my younger son for an activity weekend this friday but with all this going on it feels ruined.
I really am feeling utter despair today. I cant beleive how we have to fight for any help.
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Bump – is it worth taking a video of your son and showing him he can see what he’s ‘really’ like .
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Bump22: I am so sorry to hear all of this, I know that your son mixing with the people he has chosen to hangout with must be really frightening. The fact that his old friends still care about him and go looking for him says a lot about who he really is. You’ve tried so hard to help him, and I really believe that when they are like this they are taking it on board but just not able to face up to the enormity of the fight to get clean. Whatever he might be saying he knows how much you love him. Please look after yourself and your family, you need to still be there when he does start listening – which I think is what Jayhissay said in one of her messages. From what I have been told by addiction workers, most people do get clean some just take longer than others. Things feel hopeless right now but he has a strong family who will support him.
I hope you do go away at the weekend with your younger child – just being in a different space will be good for your head. Praying for you xxx
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Thanks.jem big hugs x
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Bump your son is so lucky to have a supportive family and good friends. Its what he needs.
But you also need some time for yourself and your young lad.
I know my daughter needs extra attention when we’re stressed out with stuff that goes on.
I hope you have a nice break with your family and try and switch off
Take care ❤
Lx
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just wrote a long message on here and it deleted by accident which just about sums up my life!!….im almost so over my sons situation at the moment he was drinking at 9am and have yet to secure any accommodation.. had a nightmare day trying to juggle my job and sort and scuze my french his crap out!!
he still has no accommodation …and is doing nothing to sort it as he is just drunk all the time.
my husband and i even thought of getting finance to pay for rehab but after a few phonecalls we had a reality check as we wld be wasting our money if hes not ready to seek help for himself.
Ive given him loads of numbers today and he has done nothing even my sister risked taking him for some food and getting him to do it and now i’m scared as he’s been unwashed and rough sleeping cld have passed her covid and she cld pass that to my mum as she lives there.
i literally don’t know what more i can do…i’m half prepared for him to knock on our door tonight as hes lied that he has somewhere and i called the friend who said no.
Sad as it seems i half want him to get ill and admitted to hospital so at least he can get sober and maybe wake up to himself.
Sorry ladies i’m having a rant, cant beleive i have a son who has a drink and drug addiction and is sleeping rough.
Hope you all have had nice days and your sons doing well.
xx
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Hello Bump,
I have been reading your story on the Theresa thread.
Such a terrible time your family are having.
I too have a son who is an addict. I’ve been where you are now. Maybe a couple of years further down the line. My son and I were on our own. No husband, father or siblings. Just the two of us. This possibly makes the situation even more difficult. Less support for either of us within a family unit. All I have is my mum. It’s difficult for her too.
From my own experience I know when my son hit the – run out of options and no place to go – stage, he was taken in by other random addicts. There is a sort of code amongst the homeless addicts. Nowadays he sleeps sometimes in a car pack in town ( he does this when he receives his social money and doesn’t want to put it in the pot and share so to speak ) after a couple of days he begins his quest of getting back indoors by sleeping in drug dens. The only accommodation offered to him by the social services is a hostel in the city centre. My son prefers to sleep outside than go there. It’s a harsh life.
I have tried everything to prevent the downward spiral, but still it continues.
When the pandemic first began in March, all of the street homeless were put into B&B accommodation. Every homeless person off the streets in one swoop overnight. The government funded this for three or four months. The police heavily monitored the streets and the dealers found it difficult to sell their wares. So, during this time in lockdown it proved difficult for the addicts to access the class A hard drugs on the street level. The beginning of lockdown proved to be the happiest of times for me in, oh years, but it was short lived.
I would go into town to meet with my son, and he would be clean, smiling and happy. Such a change from the shell I Am used to. Grey, gaunt, pin eyed, begging outside Tesco express. Week after week I saw the improvement. It truly was a miracle. Then in August or there about, the restrictions were lifted, the dealers got there claws back in, and the addicts were thrown back onto the street. Glasgow is once again overdose city. Injectors are at their most vulnerable after abstaining for a while. Their system can’t cope when they start using again. My son has overdosed and been admitted to hospital for overdose three times in the last month alone. He has also been admitted for emergency surgery. Even after surgery the only option offered was a hostel for the night and a script for subutex.
Excuse my ramblings. This probably isn’t helping. I’m not sure which drugs your son is using. If he is not injecting then there is plenty hope. My advise would be. Do not give him money. If he is aggressive or has been in the past. Do not let him into your house. Also, you are correct about rehab, unfortunately you can’t make them go. They have to be willing. I did manage to set up a rehab facility with help from my GP and a charitable organisation. He didn’t turn up on the day and lost his place. It took so much time work and pleading on my part to set this up and after the failure, I haven’t ever reached a level of having enough energy to fight for private rehab again. The rehab offered by social services is impossible to acquire. Totally unrealistic for my son with his lifestyle to achieve a place.
Once your son understands you are serious, maybe he will hit his own personal rock bottom. Then he will come looking for help. You will know when he is ready.
There are so many of us going through this with our loved ones. I feel your pain.
Hope you don’t mind me hijacking your post!
All the best
Ivy x
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Hi Bump,
Your day sounds awful, and I’m not sure that counts as a rant 🙂
I think we’ve probably all wished our kids would get sick enough to be admitted to hospital so that maybe they get sober enough to start to make some good decisions.
Hopefully he will completely run out of cash to buy drink/drugs and that may be a point where he sobers up enough to think about what he is doing. Also, I’m sure as the weather gets colder he will think twice about being okay with being on the streets. Please look after yourself and your family, try and take a breath and regroup. I hope that you don’t get a knock on the door tonight xxx
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yes its bloody freezing where i am ..
i will put my wine jacket on and ease the stress…….lol joining my son a bit too much these days with the stress my recycling bin looked like we’d had a party this week!!
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I’d stick to gin the bottles are easier to hide in the recycling 🙂
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lol….funny at least we still have our sense of humour!!!
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Honestly if you’d seen our recycling the last couple of weeks of August, son trying to use alcohol to help in tapering off heroin and us just getting to the evening and rewarding ourselves with a bottle of wine just for surviving the day. It must have looked very bad to the bin men.
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It’s funny because I’m on a what’s app with a group of mums and when we were in full lockdown and cld only go for one walk we used to make ourselves feel better by looking at how bad everyone else recycling was!
One day my friend was so embarrassed she told her husband to keep back half the bottles as she was too embarrassed to put out for everyone to see but after her walk they decided it was fine as everyone else were just as bad!
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Ha ha,
I just worked out you mean empty booze bottles !
Ivy x
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Ivy, I read your story it’s heartbreaking. There is no punishment bad enough for the people who peddle this misery. It must have been lovely in lockdown to know that your son had a safe place to stay, and to see him looking well must have been so good. It’s so sad that they kicked them all out again and everything went back to normal. My son was on heroin and your experience fills me with fear, it’s so hard to break free from opiates, and there seems to be an element of timing and luck involved in them seeing the light. I feel so sad for you, you bought your son up without help and should have him helping you now. The stories on this site are heartbreaking. But I feel so lucky to have this support here. I have friends who know about my son’s problems, some are really lovely but some never even ask how he is like he’s a non-person. I hope you have good people to support you, no one should go through this alone. You will find the most lovely people on this thread.
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ivy you havnt hijacked our post its for everyone and so feel free to post we are all on here to listen and support.
i actually struggled to know what to write back to you as i cannot beleive what you have been through and on your own. it seems to make it so much worse to not have that support . And so this forum is so important for you to feel free to use and gain any support you need.
You have really been through it, which drug is your son on?
Will the restrictions and this 2nd wave of covid give you a reprieve?
such a shame for you that you got him a rehab place and he didnt show.. i can relate to that to a degree with what happened with me getting the suported living which he threw away…although there really wasnt much support.
Has your son reached any point of rock bottem?
Big Hugs you are amazing to be surviving this. Keep strong.
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Thanks ladies,
JEM – I get that non person thing all of the time!! I expect people can’t handle the reality.
Bump – My son uses a cocktail of drugs. There are more details in other threads. We aren’t completely locked down here in Scotland. There are more restrictions though. No government funding for B&Bs etc.
Unfortunately after my sons emergency surgery incident I had a kind of break down so I’m off work. I’m taking a break from his chaos for a while. Hoping to use my time to try and get well and then I’ll be stronger and of more use to everyone, myself included ????
Ivy x
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Yes you must put yourself first ivy. I’m not surprised you have been pushed to that point.
You have done so amazingy well. Funny but I havnt looked at other threads I think I posted and just reply to what comes in my email so have got to know the ladies on this thread. So many of us out there.
Stay in touch on here. It was nice to hear from you even I’d we are in a not great place with our lived ones addictions
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It’s so important to us to have support on this thread , even if it’s just to rant And let off steam .
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Hi ladies, been catching up on your posts.
I agree Ivy, a lot of people with addictions improved with lockdown. I know my brother did….he doesn’t think he has a drink problem though. I hope someone is looking out for your son and that he seeks help.
Personally I’ve gone off alcohol somewhat ..probably because I see what it can do to some people.
Spoke to my elderly mother tonight who’s quite spiritual.
Apparently it’s St Judes feast day today. Patron saint of homeless people and desperate causes.
I hope hes well listening…
Bump…i hope your situation improves, still keeping you in my thoughts.
Sending hugs
Lxx
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What a lovely thought Lindyloo,
I hope he is listening too!
Ivy x
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I think saint jude may have been listening my son is sober and functioning at least so far today and council have agreed to put him up somewhere for a few days or until hes got something else sorted..so am hoping this works out. I can now go away for the weekend and relax a bit. Xx
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Wow Bump that’s wonderful, I really hope he gets somewhere decent to stay and starts to look at life differently.
It’s great you are going away, I hope the weather improves it’s horrible here at the moment xxxx
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Hi ladies,
On lunch break..
Great news bump! The power of prayer, poor St Jude will be on overtime on this forum answering our prayers.
All good here too , so far so good..
Payday is looming…trying to be positive.
Thinking of you all
Lxx
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Something is working, my son got his UC and transferred it straight to my account 🙂
Lindyloo – thinking about your son with payday coming up xxx
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Jem that is a massive thing. I don’t know if you read my post about me transferring a sum of money to my mum recently because I didn’t trust myself with it. I went through a mix of emotion and internal battling once I’d done it.
It’s great he’s done that. Massive.
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Thanks Jaynhissay for your encouraging words. He is 59 days clean of heroin today, but I don’t take anything for granted because we have been here before, but this time feels very different, its like he is doing it for himself this time not just because he feels he should.
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That’s brilliant news I hope everything keeps going in the right direction
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Great news ladies Things are looking up , me and my son went for a smoothie yesterday and had a nice chat , he’s opening up a bit , and we had a lovely time walking about near the river.
He can’t come home and stay until I know he’s completely clean So He has something to aim for . He says he’s off the drugs I don’t believe him and he’s still drinking .
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Jenny – That’s wonderful Jenny, it sounds like he’s going in the right direction. Its great when you can enjoy a day out and they are like their old selves. I really hope that he keeps going in the right direction.
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great news jenny .
lets pray we all start going in right direction for a bit… but boy isnt this a rollercoaster
my son popped round as his replacement bank card had been delivered here following his mugging.He was sober and drug free and spoke nicely to us spoke to him about the rehab place he cld try and seemed willing.
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Lots of positivity today ladies.
I’m so pleased that your sons are gaining strength to fight their individual battles. Its been a good few days for us . God bless St Jude!
Yes Bump, it is a rollercoaster, lots of ups and downs.
Jaynhissay – keep up the good work, we’re all proud of you!
Ivy thinking of you and your son and hoping your situation improves.
Payday tomorrow..fingers crossed!
Take care all
Lxx
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I wonder if anyone could help me by explaining when my partner comes home early hours obviously using coke and alcohol, but he sits up awake, what kind of things would be going through his head and same for when hes coming down off it? Hope someone can help
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I’m so glad I’ve joined this forum, all of a sudden I don’t feel so alone. I send so many good wishes to you all and have everything crossed for our children x
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hi ladies how is everyone and how are things?
ive had a good week…..compared to most weeks anyway.
However my son has taken to calling me about ten times a day.
sometimes its ok but most of the time its quite stressful, he sounds pretty good in as much as hes sober and not on drugs and so holding a conversation together but alot of it is constantly asking me for money and to help him out in some way or another. Ive just had a call from him which resulted in him being angry and aggressive because ive been holding my ground on paying things like his phone or contact lenses direct debits and he just errupted.
He has no sense of standing on his own two feet and thinks we shld be supporting him. hes 21 for goodness sake and has bled us dry. Ive already shelled out enough this week. i feel like a bad mum that hes turned out how he has, he blames me for everything, sorry ladies he ruins my days ive just blocked him today as i just cant bare the negative imoact it has on me.
sorry rant over.
hope you have a good sunday.
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Hi Bump, good to hear from you. I gathered by the silence that most of our lads are doing as well as can be expected.
Bump I’m glad that things are better for your son. It sounds like the situation is better than it has been in the past.
The anger and aggressive behaviour comes with the territory I guess. It always happened to me too when I didn’t give into my son’s constant needs and wants.
Don’t even think for a minute that you’ve been a bad mum! You’re doing the best you can and the rest is down to him. I used to think ‘where did I go wrong ?’ ..but its always been down to them and the choices they themselves make.
My son has been clean almost a month now…he got paid, we have his bank card. He’s attending daily meetings, going through the ‘ book’ with his fellowship and using meditation for his anxiety.
Thank you God and St Jude, I believe my prayers are being answered. I don’t get too complacent, I know every day is a battle for him, and the weekends are difficult. For the moment, im happy to take each day as it comes.
Thinking and praying for you all
Vent as much as you want, we’re all here for each other
Big hugs
Lxx
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thanks L, im so pleased your son is doing well. and yes hope the silence is a good thing for all.
im glad your prayers are being answered.
I hope my son stays on the straight and narrow and that he starts to see things properly.
Bumpx
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Hello everyone, hope your Sunday is a good one.
I have spoken to my son on the phone twice in the past two weeks. He was polite during the first call and we talked about Christmas plans. On the second call he sounded drunk. He wanted to tell stories of his week on the streets, but I just can’t listen anymore. He asked for money and I gave him £20. The sadness of the situation hangs over me too much of the time. I’m taking a break.
I’m a little scared too, because if my son did say he wanted to try and turn his life around. I’m not in a place where I feel I have the energy to help. I’m still exhausted a lot of the time. He can no longer come to my house, and it hurts that the relationship is so broken. My only son and I can’t trust him.
Lindyloo Im glad your son is making good progress. Sounds peaceful.
Bump, It’s so hurtful when they behave so selfishly. I think you are an amazing mum doing the best you can.
Ivy x
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Hi Ivy its good to hear from you.
I’ve been thinking about you and your son. I’m glad that he contacted you. You’re doing your best under difficult circumstances, it’s hard to know what to do or say sometimes.
I hope things improve soon for you both, circumstances can change so quickly when there’s addiction in the family. Either for the good or the bad.
Yes, son is coping OK for the moment, everyday is a battle for them. I just take each day as it comes.
Stay strong keep chatting here.
We all need each other.
Lx
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I’m glad things are looking up for some of us, all we can have is hope.
My son has been ‘pleasant’ he comes round every day , he lives in a very small room (bedsit) and he says coming round stops him from feeling lonely , depressed and going to someone else’s house to drink , I allow him in as I know he’s vulnerable. He has tried to commit suicide in the past.
He has agreed to a drugs test so I have ordered some of amazon and will ‘surprise’ him with it.
If he is without drugs then we have decided to allow him back home when his rent is next due as his landlord wants him out as he is renting the room and not declaring it .
With the pubs shut for 4 weeks this might be a good time for him to cleanse and get his act together but he will only be allowed home if he’s clear and agrees to various rules and random drug tests.
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Hi Jenny, good to hear from you too!
I’m glad that your son is being in contact with you. Better than than no contact at all, you can see how he is then .
My son also has been in daily contact as he gets lonely too. He’s working from home atm, so doesn’t see anyone.
I agree lockdown is a good thing for people with addictions. My son had to cut himself off from seeing a lot of his longstanding friends as he doesn’t have an off switch when he drinks. Then that triggers the cocaine use. Total abstinence is the only thing that works for him. Its a shame really, they’re young men and going out for a drink is the norm for most young men. I’ve told him I’m proud of him and what he’s accomplished so far, and to be strong.
The drug tests sound like a good idea, I hope this situation works well for you and your family.
Thinking of you all
Lxx
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I spoke too soon – the police have just left with him as he didn’t attend a court hearing last month for possession of cocaine ( end of July ) . He told me he had and had got a £120 fine .
It’s the 1st time he’s been nicked and taken away So they will probably hold him for a few days.
He’s calm at the moment but has no tobacco he went quietly.
A few days in a cell might do him good .
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ive only just seen this post.
how are things jenny?
what happened in the end with the police?
how is everyone else doing?
my son got his universal credit yesterday and has gone on a bender..i knew something was wrong as he wasnt picking the phone up to me or my messages..i then get a call in the midle of the night he was calling me drunk from a. hospital accident department, i had a couple of glasses of wine and took a sleeping tablet so cldnt pick him up but also dont think i should be doing it anymore as its never ending. he was ok and i spoke to somoene on reception at his hostel who have said that he is definately back there as hes been a pain all night being drunk and security having to constantly take him back to his room.
he has lost 2 phones last night ….something he does on a regular basis, thankfully a guy from the local council found one and i collected it.
I just dont know how much more i can take,,,i wasnt that nice to him on the phone as hearing him with his slurred speech and everything he is putting us through is making me so angry with him. I wish i cld be more patient and sympathetic but im just sick of the effect he is having on my life.
i hope everyone else is having a better time of things.
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Hi Bump, I’m so sorry to hear about your situation. I feel sad for you and the family.
Does your son not attend some form of counselling where he is?
Have you spoken to the Icarus trust – maybe they can offer some advice and support?
Please take care of yourself , you need to keep strong through this.
Lock down is compounding things isn’t it – usually you could go and meet up with friends and switch off. Try to find an alternative as you definitely need some me time!
My son is 5 weeks clean- we have his bank card. He has daily meetings, contacts his sponsor and we see him daily. He gets bored though, young guy, can’t see his regular friends or start a new relationship through covid. I feel bad for him, but proud that he’s remained strong so far.
Keep your chin up sister, sending you big hugs ❤
Lx
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Glad to heat your son is doing well. I hope he stays strong.
I cant see any light at the moment. Its soul destroying.
I just have to get through each day at the moment.
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Please don’t give up hope Bump !
Have faith, I think and pray for us and our boys daily.
Things can turn around so quickly with a person with addictions as you know for the good, but unfortunately for the bad. I don’t get too complacent these days.
But I am hopeful for a better future for us all.
Always hear for you.
Lx
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Hi Bump, I’m really sorry to hear that your son is struggling at the moment. I can totally relate to how you are feeling, I don’t think there is anything harder than watching our children messing up their lives like this. It’s so easy to say but try and focus on the family members that you have at home. I really believe your son will come around. He’s shown that he can stop if he wants to. Looking back over the last few years with my son, I realise now that I was wasting my time until he was ready to hand over his bank card and seek real help. It’s hard but try and keep in mind that at the moment his behaviour is the fallout from addiction and not who he really is. He’s not a bad person, he’s just firmly in the grip of what really is a mental health condition and only he can fight it. You have to protect yourself so that you can help when it’s going to make a difference. Have you ever spoken to Drugfam? They have people that you can talk to, they are volunteers, the majority of them have been where you are now. I found them really helpful when I first found out about my son’s drug problem and also a few months ago when he relapsed. You will get through this but please get all of the help you can. You sound like a brilliant mum and underneath all of your son’s anger, I’m sure he knows this xxx
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Hi All , well my son was carted off in handcuffs by the police and taken to a cell , had a zoom call with court the next day and was given a £180 fine . He’s moving out of his bed sit this weekend and moving into a room hopefully he”ll prefer it as there’s not internet at the bedsit and the owner complains about using electric – he’s only been there a month.
We’re getting on better he had told me he’s off the drugs but allowed me to do a drug test on him and it came back positive for coke and weed and speed. Silly bugger.
I’m going with the flow , he’s not moving in until he’s drug free and no more money.
I know this is not my fault he hasn’t a cut off valve – although we do blame ourselves , he”ll stop when he’s ready !! That’s the Prozac talking they help !!!
Wishing you all much love and we are All mothers with our own burdens but there’s always hope xxx
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Hi Jenny,
Sorry to hear about your son getting into bother but it’s good to hear you’re getting on better with him.
I think of you all often and wondered how everyone is doing.
I’m so glad we’re all here for each other. Of course none of this is our fault, it’s all down to choices.
I pray that they all get the strength to get better and fight these addictions.
Night night
Sending hugs to you all
Lx
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Thanks ladies for your comments and support. My husband and I got babysitter..my sister actually as obviously everything is impossible and not allowed in lockdown
but we needed to go looking for him..thankfully we saw him straight away as I’d got a call from a random stranger who was on a tram with my son and as hes lost his phones asked her to call me..she did but between us didnt know what he was saying but she was able to tell me where he was headed and that she said he was in a terrible state.
We persuades him into the car..again adding to the stress I was stressed about covid but even got him to wear a.mask and drive him the 45 minute car journey to the hostel. I hope he stayed there and today he wakes up and sobers up. We cant do that every night!
Although we tried to keep our humour and told my husband it was the closest weve got to a date night in ages!!
Hope everyone has a good weekend. I think I will call drugfam today.
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Hi,
I hope that things are calm-ish tonight for all of us.
Bump – i hope that your son stays home tonight and that you and your husband can have a break from the drama.
Jenny – I’m sorry that your son had a brush with the police but he does sound like he’s starting to see the light.
Lindyloo, things sound really good with your son. It’s still scary though, I wonder if that ever goes away.
My son is about 81 days clean from heroin and he and I went away for a few days (we are not in lockdown). It was really nice and we just walked and talked and ate takeaway. This time last year we were barely in contact. He lived miles away and I had a nagging fear that he was using again. I went looking for him, and found him living in squalor and he just told me to leave. It was such a horrible time, and took months to get to see him again. The fear of going back there never goes away but I think that he can see a future for himself now. He has had loads of false starts, it’s hard to deal with, that relapse and doing stupid things is all part of recovery. Tonight I’m opening the Prosecco and chocolate and trying not to think about it.
Thanks again for being there, I really hope that things are okay xxx
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Oh wow.jem that is so.inspiring I am so pleased for you . I hope and pray all our boys get there and we can live in peace xx
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Hi Jem, brilliant news, I’m so pleased for you and your son.
At least you feel that you have breathing space and start feeling normal again.
Its great to hear such positive news and as Bump says, inspiring.
It gives others on the forum hope that things can change for the best.
My son is staying strong so far too. Over 30 days now, thank God and St Jude, and my son’s determination to fight this addiction .
Hope you all have a peaceful weekend.
Keep in touch
Sending hugs
Lx
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Lindyloo – your son is doing really well and he has managed to hold down a job despite his problems, that can’t have been easy. I hope you have a good weekend x
Bump22 – your boy will get there. I don’t know many parents who would do the things that you’ve done to try and protect him from himself. I’m sure he knows that he’s very loved and has a life to go back to. Sleep well x
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JEM it’s nice to hear that you and your son are building bridges and managed to get away for a few days .
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Hi all, I have been keeping up to date with all of your stories and glad that things are working out.
My Son is so much better than he used to be, but sometimes I can see little things creeping back in and this puts me on edge.
He has a friend (female), he goes to see and stays over (good friends, lol), but I know occasionally that they have a drink, and this really worries me, I know before that the drink use to lead to cocaine, I have seen no signs of it, and I have asked him, I really couldn’t put up with that again, life was hell as you all know.
I was reading a story last night on here and the person concerned said her partner/husband was clean for a long time an then it appeared again, I felt really sad reading it, my first thought was, this is never ending.
My Sons Mental Health is all over the place, he is on medication and that seems to help. He does hold down a full time job and is good at what he does.
Sometimes I try to step back and just go with the flow. I do not allow him to have alcohol or anything else in the house. Most of the time it’s good, but always get nervous when he goes over to see his friend.
It’s so good to be able to chat on here, I think it helps just to be able to put your thoughts down, I know this has helped me today.
Take care all.
Dx
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Hi Debc
I’m glad to hear that things have improved with your son’s situation.
I understand what you mean.
You, like me and us mums, have been there so many times before, you feel like you’re always looking over your shoulder and can’t properly relax.
I’m the same, I jump to conclusions before I know the real facts. We’ve just got to remain positive and hope that they are being honest with themselves and us about their lifestyle.
We don’t drink around my son or have any in sight just in case it triggers him. I even change channels on TV if it shows drink related stuff!
I would be nervous too, it’s because we’re git used to always expecting the worst.
Either he has to be brutally honest with you, or you have to trust his word in my opinion. As long as he still does daily online meetings to keep him on the right track.
Try not to worry Debs,
Always here to chat ,
Lx
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Hi Lindyloo,
Thank you for your kind words.
He still does a few meetings but not like before, I think he thinks that he can do it on his own, but knows deep down he can’t. He says he wants a normal life, but don’t we all at the moment. He still has contact with his Sponsor, but has not continued doing his Steps, which of course he would have to start again. He was told that having a relationship was not a good thing to do, but I suppose they have their needs, so to speak, and he doesn’t see it as a relationship, it’s just someone he says that understands him. My view is that they want to try living with them, l.
So glad that your Son is doing well, he sounds as if he is really trying now which is great for you and your husband, long may it continue.
Sending positive thoughts to all.
Dx
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Hi All
I just wanted to post to say that I think of you all often and hope and pray that all is well with you and your sons.
My son is still doing okay so far, 6 weeks clean. I know its been hard for him, but as long as he’s making the effort, I will support him wherever I can.
Let’s hope this new year 2021 will be a good year for us, and a turning point for those who are still struggling with their addictions .
Sending hugs to all
Lx
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Hi Lindyloo,
Great to hear your Son is doing so well, very pleased for you and him.
My Son is ok, but only just ok I think. I know he has the occasional drink, but not at our house, I don’t want to start that, he says he hasn’t drugs, but I’m not 100% about that, this is the only place that I could put that.
Most of the time he is ok, but occasionally I see glimpses of his old ways and I never want to go back there. I think the annoying thing is that he has all the tools to help with the addiction and lots of people he can reach out to, but thinks he can do it on his own, but I know he can’t.
I hope your Son continues doing well, it’s a long journey, but will be so worth it in the end.
Hope everyone else is ok.
Take care.
Dx
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Hello,
I was going to post as well today, I am constantly thinking about the people on this forum, and hoping and praying that things are improving.
Lindyloo – really please that your son is doing well, 6 weeks is a big one, I have a lot of respect for your son, in hanging on to his job while dealing with this.
Debc – I know that fear of recognising subtle signs and not really knowing, I think that probably hangs around for years. You’ve been really supportive and it sounds like its paying off.
Jenny, Bump and Ivy – I hope that life is peaceful at the moment.
My son has done 95 days, I count the days I know that’s probably a bit sad. Its not straight-forward, there are plenty of bumps in the road, but it’s a million times better than this time last year.
Jaynhissay – I hope that life is good, reading your posts helped me to understand my son a little better – thank you.
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Hi Jem,
That’s amazing news about your Son, brilliant.
I used to count the days as well, I think it helps.
Going to read Jaynhissay posts again, it might help me a bit more.
Long may all the good things continue.
Take care
Dx
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Hi ladies, good to hear from you.
I feel I already know you, albeit through our sons situation.
Debc, it sounds that at least , he’s still trying, and things are better than they used to be, but I guess it’s all down to faith, hope and trust. Less pressure on you too.
My son says his daily meetings are now part of his life to get through this. I know he’s supporting others in the fellowship and this also helps him. He can’t have any amount of alcohol as this triggers the need for cocaine for him.
They also just need to know that they’re still loved.
Jem, great news and such a relief for you too. Lets keep everything crossed and pray that he is strong enough to keep it going.
I hope you are all looking after yourselves as you deserve it for being such supportive mums.
Sending hugs
Lx
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ladies lovely to hear from you and so pleased to hear that your sons are doing so well.
Sadly things are still very stressful at my end.
ive had to deal with several muggings, and all that entails.
lots of calls of threats to commit suicide, him going missing allsorts.
yesterday spent my day moving him to a new bedsit as the last place kicked him out as they felt his behaviour is putting himself and others at risk…
so the stress continues but he was drugfree and sober yesterday so i will take the small bits of hope ……
keep in touchx
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Hi All , Glad to hear some of our ‘men’ are seeing the light and working towards being healthy , and sorry to hear that your son Bump isn’t quite there yet!
If he is mugging people he must be desperate , for money , isn’t there anyone in the family that could talk to him ? Or getting help from the doctor? . For you and him .
My son moved into a new bedsit and all was well for a week , but he hasn’t answered his phone this last week , he did a bit of work so had money and has probably (for sure) gone on a bender.
He owes a court fine of £180 that he was going to pay With his earnings but I bet he hasn’t as I have the paperwork so if it’s not paid he”ll go to prison . I won’t bail him out , he’s gonna learn.
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sorry jenny i know what you must feel like when he doesnt pick the phone up as im the same.
lol, no it him thats been mugged not mugging people. lol. he gets himself into such a drug induced drunken state he becomes an easy target.
Ive asked him to speak to a doctor and he wont.
lets hope that he does pay fine. hope is all we have some days.
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Hi Bump and Jenny
Its lovely to hear from you both but sad to read about the boys.
So difficult for you , we love them as our sons but hate the addictions and the damage it causes. There are some sick people on this planet…imagine mugging someone who’s vulnerable like that, despicable!
I do hope and pray that they see the light soon, there are also some good people out there too, like recovering addicts who support others. I know many of them in the AA fellowship are helping my son through this tormented time for him.
I wish you all well, keep in touch , baby steps, they’ll all get there in the end. Have faith, hope strength and trust and whatever else might help you through the days 😉
God bless, sending hugs
Lxx
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They even mugged him of his coat on a freezing night.
I just hope that all these awful things our boys are going through will lead to that lightbulb moment that their addictions have got them into those situations and that their reach rock bottom and change.
I said to my husband today if i win euromillions i will be setting up a charity to help mental health and addictions. Its so stretched and under resourced imagine what the 175 million jackpot could do.
first thing would packing my son off to the priory!
god blessx
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Hi Bump,
That’s what I always say, if I was to win the Lottery or something. My Son has been to Rehab, and the people who were the workers (in Recovery themselves), were the most genuine, kindest people, but they only have 2 Rehab places, and of course they cost lots of money which isn’t ideal for most of us, and the waiting list for anywhere else that can help is very stretched, so like you, I would plough they money in to helping people like our Sons.
I can’t wait for the light bulb moment.
Take care.
Dx
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Bump22, I would totally do the same, Lotto win or not, there’s so much more that can be done much earlier, if I ever get the chance I’ll do the same. I also think to a degree there’s much more that can be done to battle the war on drugs at source. My bf is a lifelong crack addict, he’s an intelligent, charismatic and wonderful guy, but behind closed doors (expect for me and his inner circle) he’s battling addiction on a daily basis. He enjoys the buzz and the battle though, he says he wants to stop, but a big part of me thinks there’s no way that’ll ever happen, which is heartbreaking.
Sending care and support xx
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What a fantastic plan, I wish to God someone would set up something like that up and down the country.
I remember Ivy’s post, she was so frustrated at the lack of support for people with mental health and substance abuse addictions.
No help from the Government and even less now since Covid.
There is so much support for other vulnerable groups but the addiction one seems to be the big elephant in the room no one wants to talk about.
Maybe one day that dream will be a reality, we could all meet up and do a demonstration or something!!
For the moment I’m happy to deal with each step at a time, celebrate small successes.
I feel more empathy for homeless people, you can see how quickly things can change. It IS an illness of the brain, I wish I could do more than pray for them.
That’s me off my soapbox now, let’s all hopefully have a nice, peaceful weekend.
Take care all
Lxx
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How is everyone?
My son has relapsed again he seems to do a week off everything but then relapses for a week or two.
Hea close to kissing his b2dait which hes only been in for about 2 weeks.
I’ve been crying alot and not sleeping and dont know when I’ll ever enjoy life. I dont feel any joy with this going on.
Only my younger son keeps me going I put on a brave face and plough on for him.
I just wish I cld escape this hell.
Xx
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Hi Bump,
I really know how you are feeling, and your right it is hell. It’s so good to have this Forum and be able to share with everyone on here, so glad I found it.
My Son is doing ok, but I think his mental health is not good, up one day and down the next, and all the while treading on egg shells, which is no way to live. Most of the time it is good, but on the times it isn’t, it takes me right back to the really bad times and I think my health is suffering from worrying and getting anxious.
I think we have to remember that none of this is our fault, very hard to do at times.
Enjoy the good times with your younger son, and keep going. I only hope that one day we can escape.
Take care.
Dx
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Hi Bump and Debc
Oh Bump, so sorry to hear that, you’ve had such a time of it, I’ve got nothing but admiration for you. Trying to hold it together for your young son and dealing with this evil addiction your son is fighting.
I think of you and your families often and pray for us all.
My son sent me a little quote thing, and a line said, love the addict but hate the addiction.
I keep reminding myself of that.
My son is 60days clean, he had a bad week last week and I thought I was going to relapse, but thankfully with his fellowship guys support, he was strong enough to get through it.
I was really upset too, sobbing etc, here we go again, fortunately my young daughter got me through it.
Debc- don’t give up hope either, it’s down to him now, he knows the strategies to cope. Please look after yourself you’re doing the best you can too.
Take care of yourselves ladies, you are my strength too, keep positive. I know its hard, but stay strong.
Sending you both big hugs
Lxx
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*mistake…I thought HE was going to relapse …
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Hi All , bump I’m sorry to hear your son has relapsed , is there anything with his 1 week ok then 1 week relapse ? Maybe someone he sees.
My son has just visited for dinner , he’s vulnerable so as far as I’m concerned I’m his support bubble , he was sober tonight although last week he came drunk.
Money if he has it he’ll spend it on booze and drugs , if he hasn’t then he can’t.
I found that going on anti depressants have helped me , maybe that’s something you could look into Bump for yourself.
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Liberty , I don’t know what to say , I hope he sees how lovely you are caring for him so much .
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Good afternoon ladies I’m sorry I haven’t been able to keep up with the forum. I hope you are all doing as well as possible
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I hope all on this forum get to enjoy christmas . It’s been a hell of a year we have covid and all that comes with it plus our loved ones addictions I wish the best to you all.xx
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Hi all
Still thinking and praying for us all here. I think of you all often.
Hopefully we’ll all have a safe and peaceful Christmas and New Year.
Take care ❤
Lx
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Hello everyone,
Well, my son disappeared for two weeks with no way to contact him. Then, he called about an hour ago, very drunk, sad and in a mess. He wanted to do a two hour walk to come to meet me so that I would give him money. I can’t transfer monies into his bank account as he has lost his bank card.
I had to refuse him coming to meet me at a friends house as he could turn up at 10pm, 2pm or not at all. He was crying down the phone that he will now need to sit and beg until he makes £25
He is so out of it he hasn’t quite grasped that the town is empty as everything is closed. I have been in touch with the people at the Simon centre that tell me they will find him a bed in a hostel for the night if he contacts them, but he clearly doesn’t want to do that.
My fear now is that he will turn up at his grans and harass her and then the police will be called. So, once again a stressful evening for my mother and I. It’s impossible to relax.
He doesn’t even seem concerned about where he will sleep. He only wants more money to become more hammered.
Thanks for letting me vent.
My son is invited for Christmas lunch at my mothers; even though he completely ruined it for everyone last year. If he turns up we will make it as pleasant as we possibly can for him.
I do hope everyone has some joy on Christmas Day, myself and my poor wee mum included and that our boys are lucid and pain free
Lindylou, pleased to hear your son is still doing ok. There is always hope it seems!
Ivy x
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Related to all you said. And u have all.my sympathy. I hope he will surprise you and u have a lovely day.
I’ve been a mess and spoke to dr today in a blubbering mess and now have some antidepressants.
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Thanks Bump, fingers crossed. I have been on and off citalopram for years and beta blockers for the anxiety . I’m not taking anything right now. I think I’m used to the depression, but struggle every day with anxiety. I’m really scared as I think my personality is changing.
I don’t know if you have used antidepressants before, if not be prepared to be more tired than usual for the first few days. I think the effect they have is that at last some of the pent up stress and overload of adrenaline actually has a chance to leave your body. They really helped me and I would take them again.
I’m a mess too. I’m at home with my phone off and am having a night cap. There is no chance of me being relaxed enough to watch a film or even contemplate reading a book.
This group is a godsend.
I am here for you if you ever want to talk or ask any questions. I know I am new to the forum, but hand on heart , I don’t know what I would have done last month if I hadn’t found all of you ladies on this post.
Ivy x
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Hi Bump and Ivy
I just wanted you both to know that I’m thinking of you, I hope and pray that your sons lives will turn around for the best.
I have nothing but respect for you both, you are so strong to deal with this nightmare you are going through. I don’t get too complacent these days I know how quickly an addict in recovery can change. But I’m grateful for these last few weeks and hope that my son can remain strong , especially in these trying times.
Sending you hugs and strength to get through this and hoping you both have a peaceful Christmas.
Take care
Lxx
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Hi Bump and Ivy
I just wanted you both to know that I’m thinking of you, I hope and pray that your sons lives will turn around for the best.
I have nothing but respect for you both, you are so strong to deal with this nightmare you are going through. I don’t get too complacent these days I know how quickly an addict in recovery can change. But I’m grateful for these last few weeks and hope that my son can remain strong , especially in these trying times.
Sending you hugs and strength to get through this and hoping you both have a peaceful Christmas.
Take care
Lxx
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Thanks Ivy I’ve been put on citalopram too. I’ve decided to start taking them after xmas day in case this time i get some side effects as I last took them years ago for post natal depression and when my dad died.
Ladies thanks for all the support and thinking of you all. Xx
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Hi all,
Wishing you all a very Happy New Year, hope you have had a good Xmas.
I pray that our sons will start off the new year being positive.
Take care all.
Dx
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Yes let’s pray for a better year for all of us. Xx
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Happy new year xxx
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Hi,
I’ve just caught up on recent posts, Bump and Ivy, yours are heart-breaking to read. No one deserves this, I’m so sorry for what you are going through.
I’m sorry for not responding sooner, my mum has been very ill and cannot walk at the moment, so I’ve had to stay with her. I am not sure what is going on with my son and haven’t seen him for 2 weeks, because my mum lives quite a distance from us. He has taken back control of his own money which is never a good sign, and for some reason its all gone. I suspect that he has used again and is back in withdrawal, as he is now feeling unwell in a non-covid kind of a way. I have some cover for my mum for the next few days so will see him again tomorrow. Sometimes you just get a horrible feeling, the signs always seem to be the same.
I really hope that we all have a better 2021 than 2020 has been. As others have said, I get so much from this forum and am so grateful for it.
God bless xxx
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Happy New Year to all my sisterhood here on the forum.
I’m so thankful we have each other to share our ups and downs ????
I hope and pray that 2021 will be a happy and healthy year for us and our sons.
Thank you all for your support and God bless you and your families.
Sending hugs across the miles.
Lxx
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Oh jem I hope your mum is better soon sounds like you have alot to deal with. It’s awful isnt it when our intuition tells us that something is up especially when its proven right. I pray for the day for all of us that we will be proved wrong.
I had to pick my son up from a police station first thing on xmas day…nothing says merry xmas like a call like that!
He wasnt in trouble he was found on the streets in the freezing cold and they had taken him there and given him some food.
He had been on a 2 week bender which was really traumatic and we had said he cldnt come for xmas based on it. That night the friend he was staying with and him got in a fight and he lost all his keys phone etc and decided to sleep rough.
Anyway I picked him up xmas morning and despite being very emotional due to coming down off everything he came to us and stayed for 3 days and was actually the best I’d seen him. He was engaging and chatty at mealtimes but spent the rest of the time in his old room so I guess out of a bad situation we had a nice xmas.
My new years resolution is to keep taking a step back and trying to put myself first.
I had a reaction to my anti depressants and am now waiting for covid results.
I’ve joined a support grp too which has weekly zoom meetings.
They reccomended a book called dont let your kids kill you! I havnt bought it yet but it’s a self help book for parents of addicts so I reckon may be a helpful read.
I hope you all had good xmas and made the best of the covid restrictions etc and our addict loved ones wernt too burdensome.
Thanks for all your support on here it helps to know ypure out there.
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Hi Bump, good to hear from you.
I guess out of a negative situation you got a positive one, in that, you spent some quality time with your son at Xmas. I hope and pray that he turns his life around this new year. I’m glad you are trying to concentrate on your own health and well-being although I know sometimes it’s hard to switch off.
Jem- I hope your mum is feeling better, I guess you just have to prioritise needs.
Again I hope and pray that your son will see the light and change his ways. I’ve read a few success stories over the last week or so, it definitely can be done.
Hope you’re taking care of yourself too. My son is still doing fine atm but I don’t ever get too complacent.
Take care , sending you hugs.
Lxx
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hi Ladies been a few weeks since anyone posted so I am hoping that means things are going well for people.
How is everyone?
Im just recovering from covid which has been a bit scary and knocked the stuffing out of me. It hasnt helped that my son has shown no consideration.
Im feeling pretty fed up with the situation now as he seems to wallow in his situation and even when i was bed bound and breathless with covid he was ringing and being demanding and selfish.
How bad a mother will i be if I just block him out of my life? as Im sick of being miserable because of this path he is on and seems to enjoy his victim mentality.
sorry another moany post from me!!
before these addiction problems I was a cheerful person who enjoyed life its totally changed the person I was.
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hi Ladies been a few weeks since anyone posted so I am hoping that means things are going well for people.
How is everyone?
Im just recovering from covid which has been a bit scary and knocked the stuffing out of me. It hasnt helped that my son has shown no consideration.
Im feeling pretty fed up with the situation now as he seems to wallow in his situation and even when i was bed bound and breathless with covid he was ringing and being demanding and selfish.
How bad a mother will i be if I just block him out of my life? as Im sick of being miserable because of this path he is on and seems to enjoy his victim mentality.
sorry another moany post from me!!
before these addiction problems I was a cheerful person who enjoyed life its totally changed the person I was.
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Hi Bump,
I’ve thought about this group a lot over the last few weeks but have been very busy with work and looking after my mum, so haven’t posted. I’m really sorry you’ve had Covid and that things are still really bad with you’re son. I think what you are feeling is completely sane, it’s your head telling you that you’ve got enough to deal with and need a break. I don’t think there is much that we can do for our kids when they are in angry and demanding phase. If you don’t look after yourself first you won’t be there to help him pick up the pieces when he is ready to accept proper help. Becoming totally selfish seems to be part of it and it’s so hard to accept. I think they completely lose perspective. My son sits in his room all day smoking weed, only really coming out at night when we have gone to bed but at least isn’t on hard drugs but it’s not much of a life.
I hope things are going okay for everyone else.
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how is your mum Jem?
So much for you to deal with too.
Hopefully your son is on the right path? if hes kicked the hard stuff then hopefully the weed will be next .
Lets hope so anyway.
Good to hear from you.
xx
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how is your mum Jem?
So much for you to deal with too.
Hopefully your son is on the right path? if hes kicked the hard stuff then hopefully the weed will be next .
Lets hope so anyway.
Good to hear from you.
xx
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Hi Bump and Jem
I have also been thinking about everyone.
Bump- I’m sorry to hear that you caught Covid. Such a worry, as if you’re not exhausted enough with your emotional worry.
I caught it last March and now have got long Covid! The breathlessness and fatigue, I totally sympathise with you.
I hope you are on the mend soon. It affects different people in different ways.
Jem – You too, have a lot on your plate, I hope your mum is feel better, at least if you’re seeing her it will comfort you to know she’s being cared for properly.
It sounds like your sons have settled into some kind of normality , that suits them I guess. At least you know what they’re doing.
My son is doing well, 90 + days clean to date. The AA fellowship have been so supportive helped him through his 12 steps, I wish I could thank them.
It’s still an everyday battle for him, i know its not easy, but I’m proud of him for what he’s achieved so far…I’ll keep praying!
You ladies keep me sane, I’d like to think that our experiences are helping others here too.
Sending hugs
Lxx
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Wow lindyloo that’s amazing g90 days clean so good to hear.
My son just isnt engaging with anyone.
Sorry you had covid too…I am also very breathless and tired still. Ypure right as if our sons wernt enough!
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I still like to post regularly, sometimes its good to know that there’s light at the end of the tunnel and it can be done.
It ultimately falls to them ti make their choices.
My son never cared for me ot my husband while he was using. He could see how upset my husband was when his mum (and his gran) passed in 2019. So unfeeling and completely selfish.
My son sent me a message – love the addict, but hate the addiction.
I guess your lad is in there somewhere. Although, it is difficult to love them them when they’re being disrespectful and aggressive to you.
Stay hopeful, and look after yourself as much as possible. Covid is crafty…you think you’re okay, start doing usual chores…and bang, you feel crap again! One step forward..etc
Keep posting, I consider you all my friends (even through our troubled sons)
Take care
❤ Lx
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I still like to post regularly, sometimes its good to know that there’s light at the end of the tunnel and it can be done.
It ultimately falls to them ti make their choices.
My son never cared for me ot my husband while he was using. He could see how upset my husband was when his mum (and his gran) passed in 2019. So unfeeling and completely selfish.
My son sent me a message – love the addict, but hate the addiction.
I guess your lad is in there somewhere. Although, it is difficult to love them them when they’re being disrespectful and aggressive to you.
Stay hopeful, and look after yourself as much as possible. Covid is crafty…you think you’re okay, start doing usual chores…and bang, you feel crap again! One step forward..etc
Keep posting, I consider you all my friends (even through our troubled sons)
Take care
❤ Lx
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I still like to post regularly, sometimes its good to know that there’s light at the end of the tunnel and it can be done.
It ultimately falls to them to make their choices.
My son never cared for me ot my husband while he was using. He could see how upset my husband was when his mum (and his gran) passed in 2019. So unfeeling and completely selfish.
My son sent me a message – love the addict, but hate the addiction.
I guess your lad is in there somewhere. Although, it is difficult to love them them when they’re being disrespectful and aggressive to you.
Stay hopeful, and look after yourself as much as possible. Covid is crafty…you think you’re okay, start doing usual chores…and bang, you feel rubbish again! One step forward..etc
Keep posting, I consider you all my friends (even through our troubled sons)
Take care
Lx
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I still like to post regularly, sometimes its good to know that there’s light at the end of the tunnel and it can be done.
It ultimately falls to them to make their choices.
My son never cared for me ot my husband while he was using. He could see how upset my husband was when his mum (and his gran) passed in 2019. So unfeeling and completely selfish.
My son sent me a message – love the addict, but hate the addiction.
I guess your lad is in there somewhere. Although, it is difficult to love them them when they’re being disrespectful and aggressive to you.
Stay hopeful, and look after yourself as much as possible. Covid is crafty…you think you’re okay, start doing usual chores…and then you feel rubbish again! One step forward..etc
Keep posting, I consider you all my friends (even through our troubled sons)
Take care
Lx
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Sorry, I was censored there for a minute 😉
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I just want to say that I do love my son the addict but the addiction is destroying me I honestly feel in the interests of self preservation stepping back is all u can do. I
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A mother’s love is unconditional.
No doubt about it.
Keep on doing what you’re doing Bump, but look after yourself.
Lx
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Hi Ladies , my son comes round most days for dinner , he says he’s off the coke but not the weed and booze. He’s still in the bedsit and can’t find work . But things are a bit better He’s not so volatile.
He’s not able to see his beer buddies as the pubs aren’t open so that’s a good thing.
Life is up and down . I have hope .
Never give up hoping they Find there way .
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Hi Ladies , my son comes round most days for dinner , he says he’s off the coke but not the weed and booze. He’s still in the bedsit and can’t find work . But things are a bit better He’s not so volatile.
He’s not able to see his beer buddies as the pubs aren’t open so that’s a good thing.
Life is up and down . I have hope .
Never give up hoping they Find there way .
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Hi Everyone,
Sorry to hear that you are not well Bump and Lindyloo, please take care and look after yourselves.
My Son has been struggling for the last couple of months, but all down to him putting himself in situations that don’t suit him. He started seeing this woman, which is fine until I found out that she has her own problems. He started missing work, one day a week and sometimes 2 days, and I could see a pattern forming. If he stayed over at hers, he probably wouldn’t go to work the next day and not come home till later in that day when I got home from work, and he told me that he had a drink, I asked him how many, he said 4 cans, so you can double that and say 8. This went on for a few weeks, not drinking at home, because I won’t allow it, and he has his daughter in the week and every other weekend. His mood changed, and was causing arguments. He has not resorted back to cocaine thankfully, but the other night he was particularly vile, so I’m afraid I lost it big time, it takes me a lot to lose my temper, but quite frankly I had had enough, I told him not to come home, he could collect his clothes and be done with it. I have never told him this before, and I think it shocked him. Sometimes I think this is what they need, they really don’t realise how we have to live and quite honestly it gets very wearing. Obviously we will always love them, but sometimes it’s good just to take a step back and think of ourselves for a change.
The last two days he has been a different person, and chatted and admitted that he knows that if he continues to see this woman that he will end up in the same place as he was this time last year.
I take each day as it comes. He is on medication for his Mental Health, and knows that to go forward on the right path it has to be total abstinence from alcohol.
Think of you all often, thank god I found Adfam.
Take care and keep in touch.
Lindyloo, your Son is doing amazing, long may it continue ????
Dx
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Hi Debc
Thanks for your best wishes, Covid has a lot to answer for!
I’m sorry to hear that your son has slipped off the wagon a bit. I don’t doubt for a second that its the gf that’s triggered him, especially if she has her own issues.
The first time my son relapsed was after being 3 months clean, he let his totally-wrong-for-him ex gf into his life. He finally saw that she was dragging him down with her (he thought he was helping her).
He returned to the fellowship for a bit, relapses a couple of times, no cocaine just booze. Finally returned seriously to AA and CA again. To date he’s finished the steps, helping others now.
Complete abstinence from alcohol and people who could trigger him.
And a strong determination to get clean too i guess.
I want you know that it IS possible, I know he can slip, but for the moment I’m just thankful.
I think you were right to have it out with him, must’ve been hard for you. But like you said, it was maybe the shake he needed!
Stay strong, keep the faith
Always here for you and the other girls.
Lxx
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Jenny, I just noticed your post.
Sounds like your son too has settled down a bit. Its good he’s away from coke, such a dangerous drug. When my son relapsed a few months back, it was alcohol, but no cocaine thankfully, it was a blow but he managed to return to his AA guys. It’s good you’re seeing him daily for dinner, they.. and us, need that social thing.
Yes, be hopeful, he’ll get there,
Take care of yourself too, Jenny
Always here to chat
Lxx
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Hello everyone and Happy New Year,
Sorry to hear about the COVID Bump, and long COVID ladies. Remember to take it easy when you can. I work in the CCU, ITU, theatre etc and it’s all a very poor visual right now for myself and colleagues. Long COVID is something I’d like to research in the future, if I am lucky enough to have one.
Lindyloo, please pass my congratulations on to your son, sounds like he is overcoming a lot and also his recovery gives people like me some hope.
Jen, hope your mum is feeling better. Please don’t take this the wrong way, I hope you understand, but the thought of my son being at home in his room and smoking weed would be a luxury to me as I would know at least he would be safer than he is now.
Thank you to everyone here at Adfam and especially the mums in this thread. I learn a lot here and also feel supported though I do realise that only I can take myself out of this constant cycle which leaves me living my own life in despair. I have lost the ability to relate to people in a friendly manner so now I am an empty shell with two hats. The aloof professional ( terrified person who covers her true identity through fear of the cracks showing and loss of job and income ) and the even more terrified hermit. ( realising that 12 years in this abusive cycle has left me vulnerable to normal socialising ) It’s like an invisible badge I wear. Most people who are friendly towards me are now the sort who can spot vulnerability in others and are on the look out for what they can take. I have isolated myself for two or three years now, but now feel the need to establish who I am and how I could improve my life. The endless fear and related stress has weakened my health physically, mentally and emotionally.
By all intents and purposes it may look and feel to my son that I have turned my back on him. I haven’t and never shall, though the time has arrived where I have consciously decided to take a step back.
I have met with my son twice during the past few weeks. We had coffee, but I could tell he didn’t really want to be there. He just wanted either for me to give him some money, or to get on with his days begging. He begs for money for drugs in the city centre . Due to the lockdown there are slim pickings and many fights over territory ( I can’t believe this is still going on , that the government and society let our most vulnerable fight and maim each other over who gets to beg where and when) Unfortunately I see and understand the desperation of the addict
I have no answers and there is no real help for my son at this time.
Today, I received a phone call from my son. He was in custody, or he had been and was released an hour or so ago. Normally I drop everything and sort things out. For example; he gets a taxi I meet and pay for taxi then he berates me or pleads and begs me for money, then rushes off to get his heroin fix . I refused to help him, bail him out, ease the pain and terror of his withdrawal. This act makes me feel like I am cruel.
I tell him I hate drug dealers and refuse to hand over any monies that will help finance this evil business, because the dealers know and see what they are doing.
It isn’t easy for me right now, perhaps I have made the wrong decision. I can only try and begin to go into some sort of stabilisation and recovery myself. Recovery from years of loss, pain, abuse and horror from how a drug as vile as heroin is allowed to be openly sold in broad daylight on the streets . Yesterday my son was found overdosed in the street, not for the first time. A police officer administered Naloxone which instantly takes the addict out of OD and into withdrawal. The addict then becomes frightened and desperate for a fix. In this instance my son was taken to prison for the night as the hospitals are most likely full. Also the Medical staff have no back up at all to offer help for withdrawal or rehabilitation, so it’s pointless taking them there.
The dealer on the street who sold the heroin ( cut with crap – six deaths two weeks ago from one batch cut with anthrax in Glasgow ) stands by and watches. The police know that my son is a person who uses heroin and begs ( sometimes for 10 hours a day just to keep the rattle at bay. ) and I thank them for giving him the Naloxone, but I would thank them more if they arrested the dealers. However for reasons unbeknown to me the police will not arrest the drug dealers. I’ll rephrase that: won’t arrest the murderers.
So, I thank anyone who has read this much so far! I checked in way back and all of you lovely people gave me the permission to rant! Thank you for sharing the burden of my frustration.
I haven’t tried “ not being there “ for my son before. I’m about five weeks in and it’s torture. I am hoping to try and stabilise my own situation by not putting my son before myself anymore, simply because it’s too painful and frightening for me to live with right now.
I hope to gain strength. If he ever decides to stop using I will do all I can to help, even though I know that will be a difficult process too, but at least there would be hope and maybe some peace. Alas I need to step back for now and look after myself without really knowing if I’m doing the right thing.
Ivy x
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Ivy, I have just read your post and want to tell you what an amazing human you are to have stayed as strong as you have and to have been so selfless in the love for your son and trying helping him out when his life is such chaos.
Also holding down a job in icu right now is a medal worthy thing in itself.
But you are right to step back and to put yourself first , alien and as torture as it is.
Are you able to access any therapy for yourself? any counselling where you can let off steam and talk to someone? or cbt to help you change your thoughts and feelings to get through this?
I have started a course of cbt with the aim to get on top of the stress and anxiety i feel from my sons situation, to try and find a way to love him from a distance and still be able to have some sort of happiness in my life.
The cbt is through my dr on nhs..im not sure what is available in scotland but i would like to think there is something for you.
i really think though putting yourself first is the best thing you can do, if and when your son does seek help to recover you need to be there for him.
Im pretty certain the stress ive been under compromised my health which is why my covid was so bad and im still unable to walk very far.
Do you have any other support other than on here?
There are other support grps whereby you can chat to people, this wld help you offload and feel supported. i dont know what else adfam have to offer but drugfam have a daily helpline you can call whenever and numerous support grps on zoom etc.
You are going through so much, try to reach out to friends, i know youv’e said you have stopped socialising and in covid times its difficult, but you deserve a life and most people i have spoken to have been so supportive.
remind yourself your son is an adult and there is only so much you can do, i have to remind myself of that, I have to detach from the sweet child whos pictures are on all my walls, it is so hard though.
But your are amazing Ivy to go through what you have and still hold done your job and all you do. Keep strong. xxx
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Ivy , I agree with Bump, you have been through so much. I also wish I had all the answers im glad this thread has been support for you.
The Icarus trust posts here a lot too.
I also admire your strength though this difficult time and you are right to concentrate on your own health and well-being. I hope and pray your son will seek the help and support he needs. Take care.
Bump- I’m finding the long covid is affecting my breathing, cold weather is also making it worse, so i can’t walk much either. But I think the stress and anxiety doesn’t help. Take care of yourself too.
Thinking of you all
Lx
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Hello Bump,
Thank you so much for your kind words, and you too Lindyloo. I just had a wee cry there and I feel so much better for it, you know; makes me feel human or just feel something in amongst the foggy numbness.
I do have a councillor and he is a great help thanks. I tried for some CBT through the NHS, but there is a long waiting list. I’ll try them again as a few folk have suggested this.
I’m still struggling with friends and family. I won’t go into that right now, but if anyone reaches out to me, maybe in the better weather or when restrictions are lifted then I’ll gladly respond though I’m not holding my breath.
I wish you both a speedy recovery from the long Covid. Even when you begin to feel better, slow down! Damn virus aftermath has a way of sneaking back up on you. Rest, patience and time.
???? Ivy x
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Thanks Ivy , I’ll keep that in mind, I had noticed it’s one step forward, and 2 steps back with long covid.
I don’t know if it helps any, but I did a course during lockdown with Futurelearn ‘ Understanding anxiety depression CBT.’
I understand you have work and enough on your plate, but it might give you an insight in the meantime.
Take care of you ❤
Lx
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Ivy , I think you have done the right thing , you are doing a wonderful job and now you need to put yourself first , and find your own strength , your son is making his own decisions , and although we all do it – bailing them out every time it makes it longer for them to reach ‘their own rock bottom ‘ From which to climb from – although with your son and him overdosing I think specialist help is required.
Where does he live ? Would he go to a doctor? To get a substitute?
Anyone he respects that he could talk too ? Have you (although it sounds silly ) actually taken a photo of him and how he looks when he’s Off his head and printed it out for him to see how he looks .
With my son , I showed him what he looked like in my car Front view mirror when he called my mum and said he couldn’t go on I went to him on the road ,he was crying and he sat in my car and we talked and listened and I showed him what he looked like in the mirror and how far he had sunk due to drink and drugs. I refused to let him come home while still taking them and he stormed off . He was living in a room so myself and his dad stalked the ‘room’ making sure he went back there and he did .
We as mums don’t have the answers and I wish I could give you a hug , but I can say you have done the right thing , if he can keep on relying on you to bail him out he will and it will take longer to get to the point when they’ve had enough of the addiction.
Xx
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Hello Jenny,
Thank you for your words. My son and I have been through all of those stages. He didn’t start out as a heroin user.
He currently lives on the streets. Under bridges, car parks, sometimes other random addicts take him home, occasionally a hostel or prison cell.
He has seen numerous Doctors and has tried Subutex a few times. There is no specialist help available. Well none I can find. His father died suddenly of cancer 12 years ago, I’ve been on my own with him ever since.
I bought him a flat in between my own house and my mothers house. We checked in on him every day for two years. The dealers took over and he got worse. He moved in with my mum for a year and we tried to get him to the chemist every day. Dealers on the prowl . I’ve been trying to get him off of drugs for years, nothing has worked. Our story is on a thread somewhere, doesn’t make for light reading!
Thank you so much for your thoughts and concern Jenny…
I’ll take that hug thanks!
Ivy x
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Although I am not an expert his dad dying may of sent him on this road to destruction . He couldn’t cope with the loss.
I’m sure you’ve tried everything , Does he have an uncle on his dads side that can talk to him ? Or failing that any relative in his dads side?
Your son sounds lost in his pain .
But you did the right thing
XX
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Yes, his dad dying had a lot to do with his downward spiral of addiction. He has no uncles on his dads side. Over the years my father, the parents of his school friends his ex girlfriends dad , male tutors and professionals have tried to help. He even went to live with his step brother in France for a time. It was mostly alcohol, MDMA and coke back then.
It’s taken twelve years for him to get to this stage. He has been using heroin for about three years. The decline is rapid once someone starts using that stuff. He also injects cocaine when he can afford to.
Unfortunately I do have a lot of knowledge now about drugs, addiction and society. The dealers should be stopped. Drugs are supposed to be illegal, but look at us all here and our poor children, husbands, wives and partners. . Lives ruined all over the place, but the dealers? Well, they are just fine dealing away, and I’m not just talking about the ones with big houses and fancy cars. There are dealers in every street all over the UK now. Also, if they do get caught and do a short stint in prison, well they just continue to deal in there.
No one can really stop them. If you try, they use violence. The police, ( not all police ) so many stories to tell of their corruption. Yet, the dealers keep dealing. I mean there is a lockdown on, yet there are more drugs available now than ever. Demand is higher. It would be easy to stop all the heroin coming in from Afghanistan etc, but no. The police turn a blind eye while they hand out fines to the people who buy a bag for ‘recreational use’ as they like to call it.
Many young people experiment with drugs, only some become addicted, but to the dealers it’s more than just making money. It’s about power and violence. Anyhoo I could write a book after more than a decade of trying to find a solution.
I won’t ever give up. As soon as I am able to retire I will make it my full time occupation to protest against a system that doesn’t favour the addicts, and allows the dealers to openly ply their evil trade. I would do this just now if possible but I’d lose my job!
In the meantime I will just have to contend myself with raising money for some of the many amazing homeless charities, and practical hands on activities with the street team when time permits.
Ivy x
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Did anyone see ty85 post, she’s started a petition for drug dealers to get harsher sentences?
I hope to God something is done.
Good night ladies
I hope you manage to get some sleep.
Sending hugs
Lx
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I dont know how to access other peoples posts..I’d love to sign the petition.
How is everyone?
I think about you all.
Ivy how are you. I know you were in a low place when you last wrote.
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Hi everyone,
I hope things are okay. I think of you all and your boys every day. Ivy and Bump I hope that yours have somewhere safe to stay and weren’t outside in the freezing weather.
It would be great if dealers got tougher sentences and also if users were decriminalised and treated as the mental health cases that they are. After my mum got ill and started to improve she was visited regularly by a physiotherapist and occupational therapist and had home visits from her doctor over Christmas. She is 96 and the NHS was genuinely concerned for her and wanted to make things better – all of this in the worst pandemic since Spanish flu. If only our kids, still young and with a chance at having a future, got the same level of care from the health and social care system.
My son is still clean of heroin but using quite a bit of cannabis to keep it that way, and not venturing outside at all. He is more stable and I am hopeful for the future. I would love to hear how everyone else is doing.
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Hi everyone,
I hope things are okay. I think of you all and your boys every day. Ivy and Bump I hope that yours have somewhere safe to stay and weren’t outside in the freezing weather.
It would be great if dealers got tougher sentences and also if users were decriminalised and treated as the mental health cases that they are. After my mum got ill and started to improve she was visited regularly by a physiotherapist and occupational therapist and had home visits from her doctor over Christmas. She is 96 and the NHS was genuinely concerned for her and wanted to make things better – all of this in the worst pandemic since Spanish flu. If only our kids, still young and with a chance at having a future, got the same level of care from the health and social care system.
My son is still clean of heroin but using quite a bit of cannabis to keep it that way, and not venturing outside at all. He is more stable and I am hopeful for the future. I would love to hear how everyone else is doing.
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My son is up and down , being secretive and has a short fuse , he’s still coming most days for dinner . He’s bored as he’s no work , and nowhere to go. He won’t tell me anything .
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Hello Theresa, thank you for sharing your story and all the rollercoaster of emotions that are associated with the situation. I can empathise with your feelings of being his mum and the horror of uncertainty if you knew he hadn’t anywhere to stay. I have had similar experiences myself and was living in a constant state of fear and panic and worry. There is no magic wand and after several years, I found the strength to say goodbye although that remains a permanent wound also. It is vital that you take care of yourself, this situation engulfs your whole life and ultimately destroys you. It is amazing that some addicts recover and that is always a ray of hope. There is also the chance that by constantly supporting and sorting things out is actually enabling the person to continue with their addictions. I don’t have a magic answer. I hope it offers some source of comfort to know that you are not alone in your experiences.
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Hi Everyone and welcome nanny here, thank you for your advice and support. Most of us on this threads have sons with addictions, all at different stages.
Thankfully my son is still doing well, over 4 months clean. I just keep praying that he keeps strong.
I think and pray for us and our sons daily.
Bump, the petition for “harsher sentences for drug dealers ” is through a group called 38 degrees.
I’m grateful for Adfam and this thread as I can’t share anything about my son, my family don’t know what we’ve been going through for years.
You are all such wonderful supportive, strong ladies and good caring mums. One day , in the not too distant future , we’ll get our sons back. In the meantime, we have to look after ourselves and the others in our family.
Take care and stay strong
Sending virtual hugs
Lxx
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Hi Everyone and welcome nanny here, thank you for your advice and support. Most of us on this threads have sons with addictions, all at different stages.
Thankfully my son is still doing well, over 4 months clean. I just keep praying that he keeps strong.
I think and pray for us and our sons daily.
Bump, the petition for “harsher sentences for drug dealers ” is through a group called 38 degrees.
I’m grateful for Adfam and this thread as I can’t share anything about my son, my family don’t know what we’ve been going through for years.
You are all such wonderful supportive, strong ladies and good caring mums. One day , in the not too distant future , we’ll get our sons back. In the meantime, we have to look after ourselves and the others in our family.
Take care and stay strong
Sending virtual hugs
Lxx
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Thank you Lindyloo for your welcome and thank you all for sharing your stories. Yes, it offers a crumb of comfort that so many other mums can identify with the the pain and associated turmoil of their sons (and daughters ) addictions. It is impossible for people who have never had such experiences to understand the catastrophic effects of it on so many lives. We continue to live in hope whilst doing our best to take care of ourselves
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Nanny ger, you have really had it tough, I don’t know how you have picked yourself up and carried on with so few people that you can share it with without being judged. Putting on a mask for work and relatives takes a big toll. But you sound strong.
There was a chap talking on the radio at the weekend about trying heroin as research for a book, and more or less saying that its not that hard to get off, I wanted to scream at the radio. Heroin is a death sentence that just doesn’t let go, and wrecks an addicts brain. Our kids are paying such a heavy price for this.
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Hello Everyone, as hard as it is, I am gaining support from your shared stories. We live in hope and I can truly identify with your experiences. I truly hope that things get better for the addict in our family and ourselves. Being estranged from my son is truly horrible but after years of horrific behaviour and experiences, I felt that I was going mad, constantly on a cliff edge and a permanent panic attack. Constantly thinking, is he hungry or dirty on the streets and my heart bleeds with it all. I travel into central London for work and pass several homeless people which brings matters to the surface. Then I arrive at work and put on my mask that all is OK. If only people knew what was really going on. My heart bleeds for the son I gave birth to and I hope and pray that he comes back but I am realistic too. I am in regular contact with his children whom I adore . He cannot visit them due to the consequences of his behaviour/addiction and I know that is a great source of pain for him. You know the saying that as a mother, you are only as happy as your least happy child. So like many of you, there is a permanent heartache. I hope that the situation gets better for you all. Moment by moment and one bit at a time. Night
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Nanny ger, I’m so sorry, your post is hard to read. I really hope at some point your son is able to find his way back. It’s good that you are in his children’s lives, for you and for them. This is so much to have to live with. In Portugal and Canada users get proper help to get off hard drugs. Over here and in the US they are in the bargain basement of health care with so many lives being trashed.
Thinking of everyone on this forum and praying for all our boys.
Lindy – your son sounds like he’s doing really well – it’s really good to hear something so positive xxx
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Nanny ger, I’m so sorry, your post is hard to read. I really hope at some point your son is able to find his way back. It’s good that you are in his children’s lives, for you and for them. This is so much to have to live with. In Portugal and Canada users get proper help to get off hard drugs. Over here and in the US they are in the bargain basement of health care with so many lives being trashed.
Thinking of everyone on this forum and praying for all our boys.
Lindy – your son sounds like he’s doing really well – it’s really good to hear something so positive xxx
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Nanny ger, I’m so sorry, your post is hard to read. I really hope at some point your son is able to find his way back. It’s good that you are in his children’s lives, for you and for them. This is so much to have to live with. In Portugal and Canada users get proper help to get off hard drugs. Over here and in the US they are in the bargain basement of health care with so many lives being trashed.
Thinking of everyone on this forum and praying for all our boys.
Lindy – your son sounds like he’s doing really well – it’s really good to hear something so positive x
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Nanny ger, I’m so sorry, your post is hard to read. I really hope at some point your son is able to find his way back. It’s good that you are in his children’s lives, for you and for them. This is so much to have to live with. In Portugal and Canada users get proper help to get off hard drugs. Over here and in the US they are in the bargain basement of health care with so many lives being trashed.
Thinking of everyone on this forum and praying for all our boys.
Lindy – your son sounds like he’s doing really well – it’s really good to hear something so positive x
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It really is terrible how flawed the system is.
My son doesn’t seem to be doing so well this week, yet another lost bank card and money someone else has withdrawn from his account.
He’s not happy in the area the council have placed him, but is doing nothing about changing his situation, wont engage with any services.
All very frustrating really, as he just loses his temper at the slightest thing and wont listen to anyone.
I just hope he at least keeps this place as having experienced him being street homeless and what some of you guys are going through with sons on the streets is a scary thought.
i am however trying my best to put space between me and him and taking a step back and trying to preserve my own sanity however its always a cloud hanging over me.
Im pleased for the positive news from those whose sons are doing well, it is hope to us all. I think of you all regularly.
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Hi all
There’s not a day goes by when I do think about you and our sons.
I’m grateful that I can relax a bit not having to worry. It’s been hard for my son, I can’t thank the AA and CA fellowship enough for supporting him and getting through these last few months.
Hes helping others now, its all part of the 12 step program.
There’s light at the end of the tunnel, they just need to want to be clean so badly.
Incidently,I’ve just finished a lockdown course on ADHD. I did not realise there was a connection between that and substance abuse and addiction. I’ve often wondered over the years, if he had some kind of disorder, but now I’m wondering..
The impulsiveness, lack of organisation, lack of understanding of consequences, low self esteem, accidents, carelessness, lack of empathy sometimes. So many people homeless, or in prison probably with undiagnosed ADHD.
It would certainly explain a lot of things, wouldn’t it?
Adults can get diagnosed, but people with addictions have to wait until they’re so many months clean before they can seek a diagnosis, then that can take a while too.
I read Danman83 post who’s in recovery and he mentioned he has ADHD too.
Frustrating to think this all could have been avoided if we knew for sure . Any thoughts?
Lx
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Interesting you mentioned ADHD. I was asked by supported living when he moved in if hed been diagnosed with it. He hadnt but now I’m thinking that me thinking it was his dyslexia at school but there may have been more to it. He wasnt severe adhd as he was not too bad at school but definitely something a miss. But anyway sadly if it was adhd to begin with it’s more now!
Who would we write to in government to campaign for change? It just seems so unfair our boys lives are considered worthless and that they cannot receive the help they need.
Sadly though for my son I’m fed up of falling out with him as he wont engage with any services that do exist to help. I just have to keep hoping and praying he at his rock bottom soon.
Lindyloo so plsed for your son and enjoy the peace this brings to you.
I’m writing this very early in bed as I I cldnt sleep in very worried about my son at the moment and so frustrated he wont listen to me.
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Hello Everyone, so good to hear that Lindyloo’s son is doing well right now. Such a relief and offers hope to all. Bump22, I can identify with your recently described experiences and the hopelessness and helplessness of it all. I truly hope and pray that things get better. Thank you for your kind words Jem. Going out for some fresh air soon. I send hope and peace to you all
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Hello everyone and welcome to you nanny ger.
I have some good news. My son has a room in a place in town which is run by a charity.
He seems to like it and hasn’t been sleeping outdoors for almost a week now. I can only hope he stays safe there and not panic and go back to sleeping outside. He did leave the premises one night with a sleeping bag. He was spotted by one of the ladies who works there and the police found him and persuaded him to go back. The police phoned me to let me know my son is now recognised as a vulnerable adult. I’m not sure if this will make a difference to his situation, but it’s a relief to know that someone is looking out for him.
I met him today for a coffee although he couldn’t hang out for long as he was chasing a fix to stop the rattle, however he looked much better than he has in a while. Still awfully dirty as he is reluctant to shower, but I was absolutely made up as he had seen a nurse who visits the establishment and she had arranged for him to see a dentist who scaled and polished his teeth!
We didn’t talk much and he wouldn’t discuss rehab or anything much about his lifestyle.
It’s a lovely sunny day here and I decided to walk home. I caught site of my reflection in a shop window and I got a real fright, because I look a real fright. I barely recognised myself.
I’m home now with a box of hair colour, I’m going to do my roots, blow my hair in and try to construct a healthier eating plan for myself. Small steps and all that.
Bump, I did some of the course you recommended by FutureLearn. Thank you. I will try and get some CBT for myself, even though there seems to be a huge waiting. The councillor I am supposed to be having sessions with is off sick, so no help in that department for me right now. No replacement, and I waited 10 weeks to be appointed someone in the first instance. Perhaps my story pushed her over the edge?
Once again, thank you to all the people on this thread. Knowing I am not alone is half the battle.
Stay strong everyone
Love
Ivy x
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I actually wanted to cry reading tpur post as u felt so happy for you.
Having your son recognized as vulnerable i am sure will be helpful and the fact he has a room too.
So plsed for both of you. Let’s hope more good news to come.
My son seemed better too today so maybe my high alert was overreacting. Hope you’re geeli g glam with your new hair.
It was me that said about the cbt not futurelearn but great this thread has helped xx
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I actually wanted to cry reading tpur post as u felt so happy for you.
Having your son recognized as vulnerable i am sure will be helpful and the fact he has a room too.
So plsed for both of you. Let’s hope more good news to come.
My son seemed better too today so maybe my high alert was overreacting. Hope you’re geeli g glam with your new hair.
It was me that said about the cbt not futurelearn but great this thread has helped xx
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I actually wanted to cry reading tpur post as u felt so happy for you.
Having your son recognized as vulnerable i am sure will be helpful and the fact he has a room too.
So plsed for both of you. Let’s hope more good news to come.
My son seemed better too today so maybe my high alert was overreacting. Hope you’re geeli g glam with your new hair.
It was me that said about the cbt not futurelearn but great this thread has helped xx
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I actually wanted to cry reading tpur post as u felt so happy for you.
Having your son recognized as vulnerable i am sure will be helpful and the fact he has a room too.
So plsed for both of you. Let’s hope more good news to come.
My son seemed better too today so maybe my high alert was overreacting. Hope you’re geeli g glam with your new hair.
It was me that said about the cbt not futurelearn but great this thread has helped xx
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Thanks bump, yes it was your good self who mentioned the CBT –
Yup, today was a bit more positive, some how the smallest glimmer of hope reinstates a powerful amount of energy even if only for a few hours it’s enough to make a small change .
Having to spend so much time in a hat, mask and visor in work I really didn’t notice how far I’ve let myself go!
Small steps.
Thinking of you and your son
????
Ivy x
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Ivy – that’s brilliant news, I thought of your son on those very cold nights recently, especially being so far north. The worry must be really hard for you to live with. It’s lovely that you’ve met for coffee even if he is having to sort himself out so that he’s not rattling. I hope that being classified as vulnerable opens doors to extra services. Please spend some time taking care of yourself. A long bath and root job will make you feel loads better.
Bump – really great that your son is in a safe place. I hope he can also get the help he needs.
There’s definitely something to the adhd issue. My son is also trying to get a diagnosis. I can also see those traits in other family members who have struggled with life and self medicated with alcohol.
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Thanks Jem,
It was one of those nights when he went walk about in the wee small hours with a sleeping bag.
I agree with the ADHD, I know my son started out with some sort of mental health issue way back even before his father passed, but we couldn’t get him to engage with Drs, authorities etc even then. I do believe he too started self medicating; alcohol to begin with.
Still, today is a good day.
Ivy x
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Just make the most of not having to worry so much, and enjoy your free time xxxx
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That’s brilliant news Ivy! I was also worried about your son in the snow and cold weather last week.
I’m so pleased he’s being helped and supported, must be such a relief for you. I hope things continue to go well for you both.
Take care of you now
Lx
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Thanks Lindyloo,
Hope you and Bump feel better soon.
Ivy x
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Jem, thanks for your thoughts on the ADHD, there needs to be more awareness, the earlier the better. My son did well at school, but was always forgetting stuff, losing things , bit shy , these are traits as well. I’m glad your son seems to have settled more too.
I hope your mum is keeping better too. My folks are 86 and 89 and thankfully doing fine.
Bump, glad to hear your son is safe too, hopefully getting the help and support he needs too. I hope your long covid is better, thankfully I’m working from home (hence the courses!) as I’m not 100 % yet.
Thinking and praying for us all and sending hugs.
Lx
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Jem, thanks for your thoughts on the ADHD, there needs to be more awareness, the earlier the better. My son did well at school, but was always forgetting stuff, losing things , bit shy , these are traits as well. I’m glad your son seems to have settled more too.
I hope your mum is keeping better too. My folks are 86 and 89 and thankfully doing fine.
Bump, glad to hear your son is safe too, hopefully getting the help and support he needs too. I hope your long covid is better, thankfully I’m working from home (hence the courses!) as I’m not 100 % yet.
Thinking and praying for us all and sending hugs.
Lx
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Long covid as bad as ever . Signed off work still..feel.like a pensioner. !!
Glad your folks are doing fine.xx
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Oh no Bump, sorry to hear that. are they referring you to hospital for tests?
I’m still not confident enough to walk too far outside. At least the weather is milder, I found that cold air really agitated my breathing. Gp gave me 2 inhalers, a preventer and reliever. Helps a wee bit.
I caught Covid last March, I really thought I’d be a lot better by now too. I was relieved to hear of lockdown, but I got permission to work from home thankfully .
I’m trying to build up my stamina as I’m putting on weight as I’m not as active.
Doc told me to go on NHS covid recovery, there’s some advice there.
Take care Bump
Sending hugs
Lx
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Oh no Bump, sorry to hear that. are they referring you to hospital for tests?
I’m still not confident enough to walk too far outside. At least the weather is milder, I found that cold air really agitated my breathing. Gp gave me 2 inhalers, a preventer and reliever. Helps a wee bit.
I caught Covid last March, I really thought I’d be a lot better by now too. I was relieved to hear of lockdown, but I got permission to work from home thankfully .
I’m trying to build up my stamina as I’m putting on weight as I’m not as active.
Doc told me to go on NHS covid recovery, there’s some advice there.
Take care Bump
Sending hugs
Lx
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Hi everyone I’ve been reading your stories and it’s like reading about me and my son! I can’t believe how similar it all is.
My son who is in his 30’s started using cocaine several years ago.
His behaviour was erratic, couldn’t hold down a job, started his own business stole thousands off of people which we bailed him out of (as we stupidly didn’t have a clue he was using).
Never got a penny back. Had people hammering on the door for money. I was absolutely terrified. He also had an alcohol and gambling problem.
He stole my jewellery to pawn and sold anything that wasn’t pinned down.
Several years passed he moved out a couple of times which didn’t work. As you say we’ve been manipulated and abused for years.
As you’ve said his pit of a room which he rarely came out of.
He too has been suicidal at times.
Years missed to cocaine.
Eventually we had to sell our home as we could no longer afford to keep it due to all the money we’ve bailed him out with.
We bought him a caravan to live in which was soon in a disgusting state.
We are very happy in our new home. But then about a month ago he came for dinner and is still here. Obviously he had ran a big coke bill up. He has asked if he can stay as the caravan is depressing and he very easily turns to cocaine in it. Again manipulation. I have said he can stay short term but if I find or feel he’s had anything he will be told to leave. At present he has been clean for 6 weeks.
Which is really good though as he has previously been clean for 4 months I’m on a knife edge just can never relax knowing it can change in a blink.
He also has been working for a few weeks and for a change is enjoying it.
At the weekend he had some incredibly bad luck which made me feel ill with worry to how he would react.
He has finally reached out to a personal coach and he messaged them!
He is actually managing well and this coach seems to be helping him.
To add he has refused help from anywhere before saying he’s got to do it himself. We did go to aa a few years ago but he refused to go back.
As you’ve said my husband has said the same and has blocked his calls. I’m worried about his mental health due to this but he refuses to go to the Dr’s.
I’ve had council ing previously.
Have had 3 breakdowns and am on medication for my anxiety and depression.
I’ve told my son this is it now. I’ve realised we’ve enabled him all along and this makes me feel so guilty. It’s not happening any more.
Thanks for reading.
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Hi Catsmum, I found this really hard to read, another mum having her life wrecked by the worry of an addicted grown-up child. It sounds like you’ve had years of this. I really hope that as they all get older they will find it within themselves to change. The lack of support is so hard and also the limited number of friends you can talk to about it is very isolating. My son won’t ask for help at the moment, he sits in his room with the curtains drawn and hasn’t been outside properly for months. He looks so ill but as others have said, at least he’s not on the streets, which I am very grateful for.
It’s very hard for you, having moved house, started again and now your son is back home. I really hope that he moving forward, they are all capable of doing that, and I guess you never know when that moment will come.
Thinking about everyone on this thread, and sending you all a hug xxx
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hi Catsmum,
Read your post and my heart goes out to what youv’e been through.
I think what I find so upsetting is the complete lack of support for your son by services. The system is so so flawed. Reading the posts on here there is so many links to mental health and also links to adhd dyslexia all those things whicg shld be looked in and support in place to help people out of their situations.
Im sorry you have been so much.
Today I am waiting for my son to go into theatre a relapse at he weekend has resulted in him being beaten up very badly.
He has his jaw broken in several places and broken nose and fragmented cheekbone.
The only plus side that i can see in this is that a psychiatric liaison nurse from the hospital has spoken to me and I have pushed for intervention for him but lets see. It may also be a point where he sees this as a turning point and a low point to actively seek help and sort himself out.
Wierdly I slept for the first time in a long time last night as I think knowing hes in a hospital meant he’s safe and less for me to worry about where he is.
I keep thinking of ways in which we can campaign for better services and interventions for addicts as it is appalling how the services just dont seem joined up in their thinking leaving addicts and their families to suffer like this.
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Hi Bump, I’m so sorry to read about your son in hospital.
It’s so sad that it’s the only time you feel you can switch off a bit.
I hope he gets the medical and emotional support he needs there.
I agree our country is so behind other countries where addiction is involved. Scotland has one of the worst records of drink and drug related illnesses i believe. Apparently there’s going to be more support to help combat it.
Our lads have sadly, been overlooked as most of these addictions as you say are down to mental health issues. Too much waiting, too many excuses, too much time being wasted talking about it. Hopefully, in our lifetime they’ll all get the help and support they so desperately need.
We as parents, can only be there to pick up the pieces when they’re broken.
Take care of you ❤
Sending hugs
Lx
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Hi bump22, thanks for the support as you say there’s a total lack of care from mental health services. Once I was in a & e with my son and asked for help from registrars and nurses. Explaining how worried I was for my sons mental health ialso told them that he was suicidal. They didn’t do a thing.
I’m so sorry to hear of your sons situation, it’s so awful as you say, it’s a living hell. I can totally relate to you having a proper night’s sleep too knowing he is in a safe place.
I sincerely hope that this will be the start of a journey full of support for you all.
Take care xx
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Catsmum, you’ve also had a terrible time of it. I’m glad you’ve joined the thread at least there’s always someone who’ll reply and support you.
Please look after yourself too.
Thinking and praying for us all here.
Lx
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I agree Lindyloo. But arn’t we all so fed up of picking up the pieces having our lives so affected and blighted by it.
I don’t feel i truly enjoy life with all this constantly going on. Im now on antidepresents.
My cbt is helping but when the proverbial hits the fan like it has this week, its so hard to put things to the back of your mind.
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I agree Lindyloo. But arn’t we all so fed up of picking up the pieces having our lives so affected and blighted by it.
I don’t feel i truly enjoy life with all this constantly going on. Im now on antidepresents.
My cbt is helping but when the proverbial hits the fan like it has this week, its so hard to put things to the back of your mind.
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I agree Lindyloo. But arn’t we all so fed up of picking up the pieces having our lives so affected and blighted by it.
I don’t feel i truly enjoy life with all this constantly going on. Im now on antidepresents.
My cbt is helping but when the proverbial hits the fan like it has this week, its so hard to put things to the back of your mind.
big hugs all
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Good evening Catsmum and everyone else who has shared on this thread. Yes, very painful stories of hopelessness and despair and overwhelming sadness. My own story echoes all of those as well and I hope that we gain some support through this forum. Impossible for people to comprehend the catastrophic effects of our sons’ addictions on our lives if they haven’t had a similar experience. No easy answers but I continue to hope and pray. As several people have said to me and what others have posted on this thread, is the absolute importance of taking care of yourself. My heart bleeds for my son and we must never give up hope. Good night and take care everyone.
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Hi everyone,
Thinking about you and hope things are okay.
I could do with some advice. My son is still in his room with the curtains closed and mess and rubbish everywhere. He hadn’t eaten for days and has just had a cup of tea today. He is grey and looks like a very thin version of stig of the dump. He doesn’t accept there is a problem and this is just how the young live. He only comes out of his room in the middle of the night when we are in bed. He’s acting like he’s on heroin but if he is he’s been very clever because we live in the countryside and I don’t know how he’s got hold of it, I’ve heard him moving around at night and am terrified there is someone coming up here and dropping drugs. I don’t have access to his bank so have no idea what’s going on. I am really lucky he’s not on the streets, but this is hard to watch and not be able to do anything about.
Hoping and praying for all our boys xxx
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Hi Jem
I’ve been thinking and wondering how everyone is doing. What a worry for you and the family.
I’m not sure what you could do in this situation to be honest. Perhaps the Icarus trust could maybe advise you?
I just wanted you to know that we’re all here for each other and help and support where we can.
This lockdown situation is compounding matters too for a lot of people. I guess normally there would be face to face meetings set up. Are you able to sit and talk to him? Does he realise how his behaviour is affecting the family?
I do hope you’re managing to take care of your own health and well-being. Although I know it’s difficult to concentrate on yourself when you’re worried about your son.
You sound like such a strong woman, you are always so supportive to others. I really hope that you get support and advice for your situation.
Thinking and praying for us all, and sending hugs
Lx
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Hi Jem
I’ve been thinking and wondering how everyone is doing. What a worry for you and the family.
I’m not sure what you could do in this situation to be honest. Perhaps the Icarus trust could maybe advise you?
I just wanted you to know that we’re all here for each other and help and support where we can.
This lockdown situation is compounding matters too for a lot of people. I guess normally there would be face to face meetings set up. Are you able to sit and talk to him? Does he realise how his behaviour is affecting the family?
I do hope you’re managing to take care of your own health and well-being. Although I know it’s difficult to concentrate on yourself when you’re worried about your son.
You sound like such a strong woman, you are always so supportive to others. I really hope that you get support and advice for your situation.
Thinking and praying for us all, and sending hugs
Lx
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JEM – I’m sure drugs can be bought everywhere , your son does sound depressed and needs encouragement to come out from his room and see daylight.
If I thought my son was getting drugs delivered I would lock the doors and keep the key with me , leave your bedroom door open in case you hear them being dropped through the letterbox or windows opening.
Your sons sleep pattern maybe up the wall and he might be watching films all night , so tell him giving him warning that as from such a date it’s best that no television should be on after a certain time except at weekends .
Tell him you love him and are worried he may be unhealthy if he hibernates in his room all the time.
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So sorry Jem that you have this stress. Does he get packages delivered? Could he be getting them sent to the house?
Are you able to speak to him about it, ? I know my son hits the roof whenever I speak to him but if you can ask him? If he denies it ask wld he mind you drug testing him, if he has nothing to hide then hopefully he wld agree and u can know it’s not drugs that is the problem. Also maybe if its def not drugs cld you speak to the family gp as it looks like there is a mental health issue here. Some drs are better than others I know. Explain hes not eating not co.ing out room etc ..one wld hope they take it seriously.
Also can u sneak in his room at any point and check for any drugs paraphanalia hidden?
Such a worry for you.
Not sure if i wrote on here about my son ..so much has happened but he got badly beaten up and hospitalised. Now has metal plates in his mouth.the hospital wanted him discharged to us so I made a point of saying he cldnt come here unless there was mental health and support in place. On discharge the home treatment mental health team visited and said they beleive he has a personality disorder but until hes clean of drink and drugs cannot do anything anyway. They then discharged him but at least I have some sort of diagnosis. Also he has got a short term place at a homeless hostel he has strict rules and is breathalyzed everytime he enters the property and drug tested twice a week. If he fails hes out. He also has an outreach worker and has got the local drug and alcohol team who did used to engage with back in touch so I hope he engages with them. This place is a pathway to a organisation that helps young people with various issues where if he passes a period of sobriety etc will get a residential place. Its not rehab but very close. I’m hoping he will agree to it as he will have to agree to not leave once hes there and have no contact with friends. Anyway after leaving me yesterday he had done 10 days without drink and drugs after a week in hospital. I just hope that he can go in the right direction. Been a stressful 10 days but my cbt through the dr is helping.
I think of everyone on here all the time and really hope and pray that our loved ones come through this awful time. But look after yourselves most importantly. X
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Hi all,
Hope everyone is ok, I think about everyone often and do read everything on the thread, sometimes I can’t bring myself to join in because I can’t get my head around what we all have to go through, hope that makes sense.
Lindyloo I hope your Son is still doing well, you and he should be very proud.
Bump, sorry to read about your Son being in hospital, I hope he is continuing to improve and engaging with the new hostel.
Jem, I also have a Son with a very messy room, and sometimes I can’t stand it any longer and cave in and clean it. I agree with Jenny and try and get him to come out of his room more often.
My Son is very up and down, I think his Mental Health is possibly worse that I thought, he does take medication. He has got himself involved with another woman, who also likes a drink, which as you can imagine is not a good combination, and I know he has had a drink when he has been with her. The trouble is he stays over some nights and then I have had him not going to work, which really makes me angry, then we fall out, and then everything is my fault yet again, it’s like a viscous circle, and I am getting very tired of it. He says he has not had cocaine, which I have seen no signs of. When he was using before, I used to find the little plastic bags that it comes in and other things, I haven’t seen any of this.
Do I take a step back and just let him get on with it? Do I ask him to leave? I do not allow him to drink in my house, and won’t. For the last 5 weeks he has gone to work every day, so I suppose he has been making an effort.
Just putting this down has helped and i know it’s not as bad as some people’s problems, but I could never go back to what it was.
Thinking of you all, take care.
Dx
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Thanks to you all for being so open with each other and sharing.
I am a 61 year old married grandad whose addictive son is 31 tomorrow. He has a little boy of 11 years who lives with his ex.
The pattern is the same. My responses are the same. Been a heavy cocaine user for 10 years now.
It’s knowing when to throw the towel in.
He goes to Cocaine Anonymous. For about a year now. They seem very supportive. But he relapsed again about a month ago. He has a job he is good at fortunately. But me and my wife are always anxious and can’t ” live”.
Good luck to you all.
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I’m replying to myself here????.
But someone wrote earlier that they had peace when their child was in hospital. I get that. I often think that if my son had a ” conventional” disability it would be easier.
And it’s not as if the illness is a straight line to destruction. You see the child in the adult and you reach out to rescue them. And then they are gone again. In the sea of drugs and selfishness.
I don’t have any answers. But I don’t want to go to my grave as a victim of this addiction.
Bless you all..
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Hi Stevieb59,
Welcome to he Forum and to this thread, it’s a great place to be able to share your story and communicate with people that know exactly what you are going through, and hopefully give you a bit of hope.
I think you feel better, just being able to write it down, I know I do.
I understand where you are coming from when you say the pattern is the same and the responses.
It’s good that your Son is going to CA, at least he is doing something about it and hopefully has good support from the group.
Relapses are the worst thing, you think that it’s not going to happen again, but unfortunately it does, but if they keep trying then surely someday it will stop all together, I imagine this to be very hard work for them ????
Does your Son see his Son? My Son has a little daughter of 4, he sees her all the time and is a very good Daddy to her, which I’m thankful for.
Keep in touch on here, take some time for yourself and your wife, take care.
Dx
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Thanks for the welcome. He was seeing his son. Unfortunately his ex has another ( from a string) boyfriend. He is doing his best to parentally alienate my son: is “your dad’s a drug addict…”. So not so great.
Nice your boy has a good relationship he has managed to keep going.
Thanks again.
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Hi Debc
My son is still doing well thankfully, 5 months clean and I thank God for that. Its a weight of our shoulders, as we feel we can relax a bit.
My son has to totally abstain from alcohol or he’ll relapse. He has no off switch. Thankfully pubs shut due to lockdown, it helps as this can trigger him.
Lockdown means he’s not met anyone yet. He’s been very unlucky with his past girlfriends. The fellowship have said he has to love himself before he can love another. So I think he’s still focused on his own health and well-being fortunately to think about women just yet.
Your son has been informed enough to know what he should and shouldn’t be doing. Maybe he has better control now? Whatever happens don’t beat yourself up about it, you’re a brilliant caring mum and gran ❤ Give yourself some credit for that.
Time to take care of you, rules will be relaxing soon, be kind to yourself.
Thinking of us all and our boys, this Mother’s Day.
Lx
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Hi Lindyloo,
So pleased for you and your Son, that’s a great achievement, long may it continue.
It does help with the Pubs being shut at the moment.
She is a nice woman, and so much better than what he has been involved with before, but I suppose we are always going to worry, I find that very hard to switch off sometimes, but I am learning.
He has got all the tools, he told me today that he spoke to one of the Counsellors he spoke to when he was in Rehab yesterday, she was a fantastic lady, we had a family meeting with her when he came home, I could of spoke to her for hours, lol, so I think I have to take a little step back and let him get on with it and hopefully do the right thing, speaking to the Counsellor was a good step.
Happy Mother’s Day to all.
Take care.
Dx
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Hi Bump, sorry to hear about your son’s situation, what a worrying time for you. Hopefully now, he will get all the help and support he desperately needs. I’m glad you’re receiving support too.
Let’s hope this will be a better year for you.
Is your long covid any better? I’m slightly better, still not 100%, getting my vaccine on Tuesday thankfully.
Sending hugs
Lx
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welcome to thread stevie, i think you were spot on with what you wrote about seeing your child within the adult and wanting to rescue them. It doesnt matter how old they are they are still our children thats what is so hard.
I definately find it helps to write things down although someone wrote in this thread how sometimes its hard when things are particularly bad to just even write things down and i can relate to that too.
well done lindyloo long may good things continue.
Debc its so good that your son is speaking to someone sometimes just getting them to that point is a massive step forward and means they are showing steps to change and engage and recognizing their behaviours.
My son has also had a bad girlfriend they both are bad for each other so i get your concern when another woman comes on the scene who could be a negative influence.
yes happy mothers day all.
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Hi Stevie, welcome to the group.
Your words will ring true with all of us here, we’ve all been there.
I agree it’s difficult to switch off, my son is currently clean but out of habit , I’m still looking over my shoulder!
My son had several relapses, 3 months was his longest until a broken relationship triggered it. This is his longest spell clean, I hope and pray that he manages to stay strong. He continues his daily meetings and meditation and keeps busy with diy in his flat.
The AA/CA fellowship have been brilliant, so supportive.
Take care of yourself and other family too Stevie.
Lx
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Thanks. That’s so nice to hear. CA people are so inspiring. So generous with their time. They can reach into the minds of their fellow sufferers in a way that me or Sarah could not. I pray our loved ones can be absorbed into that way of life. Its a great “club”.
Not looking forward to the pubs opening ????
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Sorry see above ….double sent
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Thanks lindyloo. My long covid is still bad I can only walk for 20 mins without being breathless and worn out.
I have an appointment at a long covid clinic in Tuesday so hoping that will help.
Glad your getting the vaccine ive been offered it due to my job but I’m waiting to feel better first as I’m scared it cld make me feel worse!!
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Thanks lindyloo. My long covid is still bad I can only walk for 20 mins without being breathless and worn out.
I have an appointment at a long covid clinic in Tuesday so hoping that will help.
Glad your getting the vaccine ive been offered it due to my job but I’m waiting to feel better first as I’m scared it cld make me feel worse!!
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Thanks lindyloo. My long covid is still bad I can only walk for 20 mins without being breathless and worn out.
I have an appointment at a long covid clinic in Tuesday so hoping that will help.
Glad your getting the vaccine ive been offered it due to my job but I’m waiting to feel better first as I’m scared it cld make me feel worse!!
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I’m a bit apprehensive about getting it too tbh. But I’d hate to think I may catch it again.
I’m trying to build up my stamina , walking flat surfaces no more than 30 mins. I hate the cold , makes my breathing worse. I’m getting a lung ct scan next. They’re hoping there’s no scarring.
At least we’re still here to tell the tale I guess!
Take care of yourself
Lx night night
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Thanks lindyloo. My long covid is still bad I can only walk for 20 mins without being breathless and worn out.
I have an appointment at a long covid clinic in Tuesday so hoping that will help.
Glad your getting the vaccine ive been offered it due to my job but I’m waiting to feel better first as I’m scared it cld make me feel worse!!
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Hello again Everyone on this thread who has shared the rollercoaster of emotions associated with their son’s/other family members addictions and all the nightmares associated with it. I hope you all have moments of peace. My mind is always in turmoil with the effects of my son’s alcohol addiction. Mother’s day today and I received a card from him. I hope that you were all able to enjoy part of the day. Please continue to take care of yourselves. In my worst moments, I feel that death is the only time that I will be free of the turmoil that I feel. Moment by moment. We need to continue to have hope. Good Night all
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Hi Nanny ger
Thank you for your thoughtful post. Im glad you received a card from your son, that’s a glimmer of hope there. He still loves you. They all do, it’s just that, when they have addiction they love that more.
Please don’t give up that hope , seek help and support for yourself. The Icarus trust offers advice and support here too.
Thinking and praying for you and your son.
Lx
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Hello Lindyloo, Bump 22, Theresa and everyone else on this thread. Bump22, I hope you are improving with your lond covid. I hope that our coming out of lockdown will make us all feel a bit brighter. I hope your sons (and those with other family members affected by the nightmare of addiction) are being supported in some way to help us see that there is hope. I need to adopt that strategy to give me strength to carry on. I saw my son very briefly yesterday when he met his children at a train station. Stirred up mixed emotions but I know how happy he will have been to see his children and that momentarily warms my heart. I continue to hope and pray. Reading people’s stories on the Adfam page is heartwrenching but I and we must all remember that we are not alone. Going shopping now for dinner. Hope and peace to us all
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Hi Nannyger,
It’s nice to hear from you. I often think and pray for us all here. Everyone is so supportive and kind to each other which I suppose can be a positive thing.
I also hope everyone is well under the circumstances of lockdown and worrying about our boys.
On that note, have to mention that my son gave into temptation last weekend after almost 6 months clean! Bit disappointed , tbh, but he’s my son, I know its been difficult for him. I’ve had to help him with food and cigs, (to keep him going til payday). I’ve said no more cash or paying off debts.
He was really angry with himself for doing it, I guess that’s a good sign. Also the AA fellowship guys have been in touch. He’s still managed to work which is good.
Yes, it’s a rollercoaster but could’ve been worse i guess.
I’m glad you saw that moment with your son, maybe he’ll realise what he’s missing. I do hope he turns a corner too.
Bump- . I hope you’re feeling better, I’m waiting on my lung scan results. Thinking about going back to work after Easter holidays
Gem, Jenny, Ivy, Theresa, Debc, I hope all well or as well as can be expected with you all.
Sending virtual hugs ❤
Lx
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Oh lindyloo I.am so.sorry to here that. Your son had done so well. Has he managed to get back on track?
After my sons beating he is engaging with AA and drug and alcohol services hes been off everything for nearly a.month. I hope he can continue turning that corner.
I am now in covid rehab and starting to get better gradually.
I’ve had my jab too as was so scared getting it again.
I hope your lung scan is ok. I’ve been given a asthma inhaler which seems to help a bit.
All take care of yourselves. I think of u all and the pressure we live under let’s pray our kids get there.xx
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Oh lindyloo I.am so.sorry to here that. Your son had done so well. Has he managed to get back on track?
After my sons beating he is engaging with AA and drug and alcohol services hes been off everything for nearly a.month. I hope he can continue turning that corner.
I am now in covid rehab and starting to get better gradually.
I’ve had my jab too as was so scared getting it again.
I hope your lung scan is ok. I’ve been given a asthma inhaler which seems to help a bit.
All take care of yourselves. I think of u all and the pressure we live under let’s pray our kids get there.xx
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Thanks Bump, yes disappointing but no one is more annoyed than he is with himself.
I think he’s on track again, the fellowship guys have been in contact. I text him every morning and evening, and he phones me too. Only seen him briefly to give him some groceries and cigs, but I think he being honest with us. I’m hoping it was only a blip.
I’m so pleased that you’re son is getting support at last, less pressure for you too.
Glad you’re being treated for long covid, I’ve got inhalers now too. Feeling stronger but not walking like I used too.
Hoping we all have a lovely Easter break, and see some spring sunshine ????
Take care of yourself
Lx
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There is hope ! I haven’t updated for a while as I didn’t want anything to go wrong .
My son has completed a 2 week government training course , learning about first aid , cherry pickers etc , getting certificates – So he could work on a site.
He is completing 2 weeks free work on a site using his previous plumbing Experience and is feeling so much better and confident. I can see an change in him since he’s had this chance and his confidence is growing. He is looking forward to the future and looks so much healthier . I hope and pray it lasts .
Never ever give up hope , I have told him to climb one step at a time .
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Jenny that is such good news for you.
My son is also doing well he just got his months medal from AA and is finding AA really helpful and has a really good sponsor so hes a month clean of drink and drugs.
Hoping he stays on track.
So yes we have to cling knto hope.
Lindyloo how was your scan?
Thinking of everyone.x
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Bump, that’s such good news, I’m really happy for you that your son is engaging with services and doing so well. I hope you’re long Covid is improving. I am sure all of the stress hasn’t helped.
Jenny, it’s really good to hear about your son and his training. I think they stand a much better chance if they’ve got a reason to get up each day.
Lindyloo – I’m sure your son’s just had a hiccup, it sounds like he’s got straight back on it. I really hope he keeps moving forward.
My news isn’t so good but I am encouraged by other’s more positive updates. After a few months of not really knowing what is going on and driving myself mad, I finally found out that my son has relapsed and is back on heroin. I’m so sad for him because he got through withdrawals and months of insomnia and now he is back there at the mercy of a horrible poison. He is thin and looks very unwell. I am trying to be positive but right now he doesn’t have enough motivation to start the process of getting clean again. I caught him with a small package in the post and got him to open it in front of me. It was bad for both of us, he cried and I just tried to stay calm so that he would talk about what was going on. I just feel so sad for him, for all of our boys and for all of us. I’m finding it hard to hold it together at work or even to care about much else that’s going on. It’s a tough one to accept that only he can do this – very hard to watch.
Thinking of everyone on this thread, I hope everyone has a bit of a break over the bank holiday.
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Oh god jem I k ow when u last posted you were worried about him.
Hold.in there he got clean before and he can do it again.
Has he said he wants to get of fit again.?
Just make sure u look after yourself. Easier said but any strategies mindfulness anything to look after yourself. This is alot to deal with. Big hugs and thinking of you xx
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Oh god jem I k ow when u last posted you were worried about him.
Hold.in there he got clean before and he can do it again.
Has he said he wants to get of fit again.?
Just make sure u look after yourself. Easier said but any strategies mindfulness anything to look after yourself. This is alot to deal with. Big hugs and thinking of you xx
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Thanks Jenny that’s great news about your son. I really hope this new chapter is successful for him. My son has always worked and is good at his job, he’s very lucky in that regard and he’s always had access to his son. But I told him this week his luck will run out eventually and he will lose everything including his life if he carries on. We’ve had 15 years of gambling, drinking and cocaine becoming worse in the last 3 years. His marriage broke down, I took on his debt of over £40,000, I shouldn’t have I know. I’m just hoping and praying he can do it this time as we will not be giving him anymore money. He’s had a further £2000 since Feb this year as all the money from his divorce settlement has gone. You can bet he’s spent a 6 figure sum on gambling and coke in the last 15 years. He’s been lovely today but he’s vile after a comedown. I could go on and on but you all know the score ???? take care everyone x
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Thanks Bump I know how much you’ve been through, especially with Covid added in. I am fortunate that my son isn’t on the streets, but that is the thing I really fear. He does want to stop but feels he’s spent most of the last year fighting and not using and he’s just tired. I’m sure he will want to get clean. Last time he relied heavily on cannabis for sleep and just getting through so he’s not really been properly sober. I’d like him to go to rehab when he’s ready to do this again but he has no confidence in that as a solution. He won’t seek help because he reads everything there is on the internet and believes he knows what he needs to know and can do it by himself, so no 12 steps or Smart Recovery. A couple of weeks ago he was taking Valium as well and I was making calls to try and get him sectioned. I don’t think I’ve ever been more frightened, it was like there was nothing of his personality left. I know it will get better, and I’m sorry to sound so negative. I am encouraged by more positive stories on here. It does give me hope. Thank you for letting me have my big moan, it helps.
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Hi ladies, just been reading your updates.
Jenny and Bump, im so pleased for you, great news that your sons are both doing well. It’s such a relief when they accept help and support and such a relief for you.
Debc was on another thread and her son is also doing well.
I hope your long covid symptoms are improving Bump. I think the inhalers are helping me a bit, still waiting on my lung ct results. Thank goodness for the nicer weather though!
68862, welcome to the thread, we’re have sons with addictions and it’s great to vent and share successes with each other too.
Thanks to you all for your support.
Have a lovely Easter . I’m hoping and praying for another Easter miracle.:)
God bless, sending hugs
Lx
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Hi ladies, just been reading your updates.
Jenny and Bump, im so pleased for you, great news that your sons are both doing well. It’s such a relief when they accept help and support and such a relief for you.
Debc was on another thread and her son is also doing well.
I hope your long covid symptoms are improving Bump. I think the inhalers are helping me a bit, still waiting on my lung ct results. Thank goodness for the nicer weather though!
Jem – I guess we’ll continue to hope and pray that our sons see sense and seek the help and support they need. Stay strong.
68862, welcome to the thread, we’re have sons with addictions and it’s great to vent and share successes with each other too.
Thanks to you all for your support.
Have a lovely Easter . I’m hoping and praying for another Easter miracle.:)
God bless, sending hugs
Lx
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Thanks Lindyloo, I followed your suggestion. God willing we all have a peaceful day xxx
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Jem a month ago before my son got his beating he was adamant that the 12 steps and other services were a waste of time. things can change, obviously it took something dramatic but I cant beleive he is now saying how much 12 steps is helping. So I just want you to know beleive that he can change his mind.
I’m under no illusion that a mnth is nothing really and even this weekend my son nearly relapsed.
Valium is horrible my son was a right state on it so I know how scary it is seeing g them like that.
The dealers are scumbags. So much more needs to be done.
The fact they now can get it delivered to your door too, as easy as a food delivery is scary.
Ladies try and enjoy easter the lovely blossom daffodils anything to take your mind off thingsxx
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Thanks Bump for your words of encouragement. I hope that you are sleeping better and enjoying life being calmer. I guess you’ll also have the uneasy feeling we are all used to living with even when things improve.
I know that my son wants to get clean again, I just don’t think right now he has the energy to go through withdrawals and then all the insomnia that goes with getting clean. Today was a good day and we enjoyed the sunshine in the garden together for an hour, which felt like a small win.
Thinking of everyone on here, I hope today was okay x
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Hi Jem
I’m glad you had a nice relaxing day in the sun. Taking
pleasure in the little things also works for me.
Yeah, I agree even during that 5 months recovery I felt I was still looking over my shoulder waiting for whatever to happen. Gies with the territory I guess.
My son popped in briefly this morning, he seemed fine , starving..which immediately makes me suspect, but fairly upbeat.
I didn’t judge or ask too many questions, I’ve learned from past experience not to. He said he was fine.
Regarding the low energy, I remember Danman83 saying about taking vitamins to help with that, as the comedown from the drugs zaps the energy from them.
The sunshine will be good for them I guess.
Thinking of you all too, at least we all have each other here thankfully ❤
Lx
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Hi,
I hope everyone is okay. I got home tonight and my son had cooked a lovely meal, and hung around to eat. That’s the most positive thing that’s happened in weeks.
I have thought about everyone on here a lot this week and how hard it is.
Bump I really hope that things are still going in the right direction for your son. I know it’s a very hard road for him.
Lindyloo I hope things are back on track for your son, he seems to know what he wants, and I guess they have to relapse to learn how not to.
68862 I hope your okay, I’m really sorry to hear about your situation. It’s hard when our kids have had good lives and then lost it. My son says he wakes up crying thinking about all he has lost. It doesn’t make the problems go away though.
I hope that we all have a good weekend without any drama
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Hi,
I hope everyone is okay. I got home tonight and my son had cooked a lovely meal, and hung around to eat. That’s the most positive thing that’s happened in weeks.
I have thought about everyone on here a lot this week and how hard it is.
Bump I really hope that things are still going in the right direction for your son. I know it’s a very hard road for him.
Lindyloo I hope things are back on track for your son, he seems to know what he wants, and I guess they have to relapse to learn how not to.
68862 I hope your okay, I’m really sorry to hear about your situation. It’s hard when our kids have had good lives and then lost it. My son says he wakes up crying thinking about all he has lost. It doesn’t make the problems go away though.
I hope that we all have a good weekend without any drama
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Jem, im so pleased for you, what a wonderful surprise. I would say that’s a step in the right direction!
I also think of us all often, brought together by this nightmare of addiction. It’s one of the few good things that’s come out of it.
We can only hope and pray that things get better for us all.
Hope the weekend is good for all.
Sending hugs ❤️
Lx
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Hi Jem thanks for your kind words. That’s brilliant news, well done your boy ❤. It’s massive for him to do that so good on him????. My son is at his girlfriend’s until tomorrow so I’m hoping he behaves and doesn’t give her a hard time. I’ll see him tomorrow with my grandson. ???? everyone have a peaceful weekend. Xxx
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Hi everyone Ive not been on for a while. Nice to hear some positives from people and hope it continues. No real reason for this post I suppose I’m just so sad about the whole situation and the effects on us. I fear my son is still using. Also I fear he’s gambling again. He looks so bad, he’s not sleeping and never has anything. Take care everyone xxx
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Hi Catsmum sorry you think your son is using and gambling again. The worry is just horrendous isn’t it. This has been my sons story for the last 15 years, roulette machines, online gambling then coke. I believe and he has admitted, that in the end gambling was to try and pay for coke. He has self excluded from several bookies and online which he did once before. Perhaps you could mention this to your son? It does help.
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Hi Catsmum I am so sorry that you are going through this, the gambling one is not something I had had to go through with my son. On top of the using it must bring so much more stress and worry. I hope that he starts to see the light, and that things get easier.
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Morning ladies, I have been in bed for 2 days now reading this thread! I could have written most of them myself over the last 20 years – I have never reached out in all this time and feel I have now given everything I have! I’m exhausted, heart broken and ashamed. My son has sucked the joy out of every happy occasion and made every sad occasion even more unbearable! My stomach flips every time I see a message from him or his wife. I live in fear of her giving up on him ( even knowing it would be better for her and the children) He has given me the most beautiful grandchildren – another torture to endure. I should be at work but just don’t have the strength. I love my first born more than anything else as I remember the wonderful son and daddy he can be! I’m heartbroken xx Thank you for listening xx
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Hi Safeinbed,
I have only just read your story, I’m so sorry. I had never thought in terms of 20 years of this, and how draining that must be. I hope that you’re feeling a bit better. I know that feeling of not being able to face work and sometimes just not being able to make really basic decisions. I try not to think about the future too much, that would raise too many questions and I’m lucky that there are no kids involved or partner. I think about the people on this forum everyday and I wish that we didn’t have this going on in our lives.
I started going to work meetings again this week and met with a friend who knows what’s going on, it helped a lot. This has been so much worse because of lockdown. I feel like my son’s problems became the only thing I thought about. I really hope you have a friend who will be there for you and that your son sees the light, if only for his children.
I hope that everyone has a peaceful weekend and that things are improving xxx
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Hi Jem, sorry to jump in here.
I wrote on another thread to Danman83 about the Doctor rejecting my son’s plea for help with his addiction .
He had contacted Addiction Services who said to go to GP for help. Except GP didn’t know what to suggest (he admitted that) and said go back to Addiction services!
Can you believe it, after admitting to the guard dog receptionist that he was an alcoholic in need as well. Poor lad, imagine a professional turning a person with mental health issues away.
My son said he’d wished he had recorded it and sent it to Panorama- they would’ve had a field day!
I’m glad you met up with someone and got things off your chest, it helps to share your concerns and worries.
I went back to work this week too, it’s only part time but its a good distraction. Such a worry, my son had bad tremors this week.
Lx
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Hello safe in bed my heart goes out to you as this is partly my story, the only difference is my ex daughter in law mustered up the strength to divorce my son. He is my first born like yours and has brought so much heartbreak to myself, his dad and his ex. I never in a million years thought that this would happen to us. Yesterday I was accused of making him claustrophobic and on Sunday the names he was calling me was disgusting but in the next breath talking like nothing had happened. I cried on my own Yesterday because I really want to cut all ties with him but I know how vile and hurtful he can be and threatens me not to see my beautiful grandson. I expect his back story is the same as my son’s, they usually are. They don’t go out to become addicts we all know that I just wish they had the strength to stop ???? Feeling your pain xx
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Thank you so much for your response, I’m so sorry that you too have to endure such heartbreak! Yes the name calling is particularly hard – And I agree they don’t set out to be addicts! That’s even more heartbreaking and that’s when the guilt comes in. My son, I’m sure has an anxiety disorder and he has self medicated since he was 15 with various substances and behaviours. I have always tried to love him through setbacks but so much is at risk this time. Our week end was ruined along with my younger son’s and his family as we were called to a dispute at their home after they had just arrived at ours for our first after visit lockdown! Sending you strength. I have never been able to cut all ties as I believed there is always hope – now I am doubting myself – I know I would not have him home if he allows his marriage to fail. I will just be eaten up with what could have been, I’m sure you know what I mean – I want to love him but I don’t know how to without taking on all the chaos – if that makes sense. I can’t even cry anymore – I just shut down and hide under the duvet for days at a time. Lock down has been a saviour for me in not having to face my work colleagues and friends xx
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I believe my son has a personality disorder, either bipolar or borderline personality disorder not helped by the coke. He’s definitely got OCD and when he goes into something it is full on. The amount of hobbies he has taken on over the years only to get fed up with them after a short while. When his marital home sold he managed to rent a flat but the excess went up his nose or to pay off his debts. He’s now finding it difficult to run the flat and never has any money left when he gets paid. He has just called me and was really pleasant but we’re always waiting for the aggression to appear, walking on eggshells all the time. My husband is very much like you in that he can’t forgive him what he’s done to his family. It could and should have been so different. I’m there with you my friend ❤
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I really think that’s the saddest part – the what ifs- my son had a very promising career and he gave it all up for a girlfriend who introduced him to coke! I don’t think he has ever forgiven himself for leaving his job for her – ( she finished with him once he was out of uniform) looking at his peers who continued, they are now looking at retirement and huge payouts in a few years – I believe he is punishing himself for this decision and has done since he was 19! He works hard to make his family home nice, saves and works all hours to make sure his children have all the things they need but he lets himself down every few months with a binge and self medicates with prescription drugs bought online . So sad as when you get through to him he’s so sorrowful – never having tried it myself it’s hard to imagine – I only know it must be amazing at the time for the risks they take and everything they stand to lose! Thank you for talking to me today – I have done a load of washing and cleaned out a cabinet xx It has helped so much ????????
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It’s just nice to know we’re not on our own and sharing our stories makes a massive difference to our day. Your son sound’s just like mine, remorseful, sad, embarrassed and disappointed in himself until the next fix. There’s a lot of us on here praying for a miracle so let’s hope one day it happens. I’m glad you managed to get up and be proactive. it’s hard but you did it well done ????
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He’s just come in to pick his dogs up (he had them when they split but guess who walks them most days). He was very pleasant but its so unnerving as I don’t know whether he’s used, going to use or gambled. I want to tear into him but I know to keep quiet and try to put it to the back of my mind for now anyway. There’s so much I want to say but it just always ends in an argument. Xx
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Hi Lindy, I’m really sorry about your son and the lack of help from his GP. I know how you must have felt as well, watching him build up the courage to go and being dismissed out of hand. This feels like the bargain basement of health care. That’s the scariest thing for me that no one is coming to solve this. As their parents it all falls to us and them.
It’s good news that you’ve gone back to work and that your long Covid is getting better.
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Hi Lindy, I’m really sorry about your son and the lack of help from his GP. I know how you must have felt as well, watching him build up the courage to go and being dismissed out of hand. This feels like the bargain basement of health care. That’s the scariest thing for me that no one is coming to solve this. As their parents it all falls to us and them.
It’s good news that you’ve gone back to work and that your long Covid is getting better. I hope your son has some good luck and manages to access some genuine help.
Have a good weekend
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Thanks for your support Jem, I really appreciate it.
Hope you have a good weekend too, some normality with some restrictions being lifted.
You and your lad will be in my prayers too.
Night night
Lx
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Hi everyone sorry I havnt posted for a while.
I feel so sad reading these stories and what everyone is going through and the frustration. Lindyloo the frustration of being turned away from the dr un believable but at the same time so beleivable!
My son is now in a residential place its not rehab but as close as we can get it’s full of young lads whose lives need turning g around and they need to be drink and drug free so for the first time in years my son is drink and drug free and has been for 6 weeks. He is even doing his driving theory so for the first time in a long while doing something positive.
But as we all know the road to recovery is long and rocky and I am under no illusions!
I often wish I cld do something somehow to raise an awareness to government about our issues and so young people have intervention before these addictions take hold. In my opinion that is what is needed and is a mental health problem.
Schools shld have mental health specialists. Sorry I’ll get off my soapbox.
Lindyloo has your sons dr ever referred him to local drug and alcohol services?
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Hi Bump That’s brilliant. It’s great when you hear good news and someone getting the help they need. I work in a secondary school and it’s scary to see how many kids get caught up in it or suffer from mental health issues.
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Hi ladies, thanks so much for your kind words of support.
Bump – I’m so pleased to hear that your son is in a place where he is being supported and getting the help he needs. Driving test theory, that’s fantastic news that he pushing himself. Wonderful news, you must be so relieved. I hope your long covid is improving, I went back to work last week part time, tiring but managed to sit down when I needed to.
68862 – I also work in a Secondary school, so many with anxieties and mental health issues. But not enough support for them.
I believe in some of the Scottish manifesto they are going to invest in MH issues involving training and counselling. Boris take note!
My hubby is speaking to the practice on Monday so hopefully we may get a 2nd opinion regarding my son’s support. And no, Jem Doctor has never referred him anywhere at anytime, he was told he had to be clean before being assessed for counselling of any sort! Talk about Catch 22 situation! What hope do we have !
Enjoy the weekend ladies
Thank you again, sending hugs ❤
Lx
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Lindyloo my son’s doctor referred him to a drugs project but it took time to get seen. He did go to the sessions and enjoyed meeting others but it didn’t stop him using fully. Over time he’s seen various counsellors too. I’ve just spoken him which is really early for him to be up but he has his son with him and he seems to be in a good place atm. But then he always is when he’s with him just wish it was enough to make him stop completely. I can live in hope.
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Hi all,
I just need to vent again, sorry.
Just came off phone with son. I feel he’s looking for people to blame right now, his family, the doctor, AA . I feel he’s free of alcohol just now but looking for an excuse to start again.
I think that’s what an addict does, won’t take the blame etc.
Hes very angry and I think he’s taken this week off work and he’ll use it to get wasted on alcohol, although he has no money but will probably take out a loan.
I know this set up so well, im trying to be calm but inside I want to scream.
Lx
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Hi Lindyloo,
Feel free to vent anytime, that’s the great thing about this Forum, we can, and it’s so good to know that we know what you are going through.
It always amazes me that all these people do exactly the same things, the lies, the blame, the money and numerous other things, as long as I live I don’t think I will ever understand, and it is so hard to live with sometimes.
Go outside and have a good scream Lindyloo, it’s very frustrating at times.
Take care of you, stay strong.
Dx
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Oh Lindy loo feel free to vent that’s what this is for.
So frustrating for you. I empathisize with the whole situation of your son wanting to blame someone..to me with my son everything g is everyone else’s fault. And let’s face it it’s not until they realise its them and they are the common denominator that they can turn things around.
Let’s pray he doesnt get wasted as much for your sake as his.
My son has said he hates his new residential place..his exact words were ..everyone here are idiots..always everyone else..hes looking for excuses to leave here I know it and so worried hes goi g to blow it.
Keep strong lindyloo xx
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Oh Lindy loo feel free to vent that’s what this is for.
So frustrating for you. I empathisize with the whole situation of your son wanting to blame someone..to me with my son everything g is everyone else’s fault. And let’s face it it’s not until they realise its them and they are the common denominator that they can turn things around.
Let’s pray he doesnt get wasted as much for your sake as his.
My son has said he hates his new residential place..his exact words were ..everyone here are idiots..always everyone else..hes looking for excuses to leave here I know it and so worried hes goi g to blow it.
Keep strong lindyloo xx
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Hi Lindyloo as Bump said this is where you can let off steam without being judged as we all know what each of us are going through. I guess this is part of his rollercoaster ride. I just hope it passes and he doesn’t let himself and you down. We’re always in the firing line sadly. Keep strong ????xx
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God bless you all, thank you for your replies.
He came to my house starving, but after he was fed and watered he seemed calmer. He said he needs help, but no one’s helping.
I guess I must’ve been a mirage!
I don’t think he’s started on the merry go round yet, please God, I’ve just reassured him we’ll support him with food and cigs til payday. Paying it back hopefully.
If he’s really trying, I don’t mind making the effort.
Thank you so much ladies, Bump I hope your lad perseveres.
Yes, 68862, we are always in the firing line!
I couldn’t scream earlier Deb, as we have a painter in! ; )
Sending hugs
Lx
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God bless you all, thank you for your replies.
He came to my house starving, but after he was fed and watered he seemed calmer. He said he needs help, but no one’s helping.
I guess I must’ve been a mirage!
I don’t think he’s started on the merry go round yet, please God, I’ve just reassured him we’ll support him with food and cigs til payday. Paying it back hopefully.
If he’s really trying, I don’t mind making the effort.
Thank you so much ladies, Bump I hope your lad perseveres.
Yes, 68862, we are always in the firing line!
I couldn’t scream earlier Deb, as we have a painter in! ; )
Sending hugs
Lx
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I’m really sorry to hear your boys are struggling and I know the frustration and disappointment so well. It’s really hard when they’ve decided to stop and you feel that things are getting better and then you find yourself back at square one. My son said that getting clean is a bit like building a damn and every time a hole appears you have to figure out how to patch it so that it’s stronger next time. I’ve cried my eyes out when my son has relapsed. I try to hang on to the fact that if they can stop for a few weeks or months then they can do it longer. We just have to figure out how to not go mad and financially broke while we wait for it to happen. Thinking and praying this comes right for all of us on here xxx
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Hello to all you strong and wonderful people! I am new to this post, but not new to Adfam. I have posted a few times, ( my original post was 7/24/20 if you want my story), and I have chatted with you Lindy Loo, and Jenny.
I have read through this whole post with a broken heart. We are all so the same, even if the drug of choice is different. My 39 yr old son’s is alcohol.
Lindy Loo- I pray your son stays the course. It hard to express the ups and downs with a loved one with an addiction. When they’re sober, life is so good. When they’re sober, you breathe instead of feeling sick. You actually get some sleep. Laughter and smiles feel so good because you’re not covering up something. The sun shines brighter…
Bump- You have been through so, so much with your son. The stories mimic some of mine in that you can’t believe you’ve experienced such horrific things with their addiction! It causes traumas within you that you never get over.
Lindy Loo and Bump- I pray for your recovery from Covid. How awful to have to deal with this on top of your troubles. I have Rheumatiod Arthritis, an autoimmune disease and I struggle to keep it under control with the stress of it all.
Ivy- your feelings resonated so much for me. You do start to lose yourself. You no longer feel like a normal person in society. You listen to how other people talk about how great their adult children are doing and you stay silent because you’re afraid someone will ask about them and you’ll either have to lie or just try to be very vague about it. Unfortunately for me, my son while intoxicated, has lashed out at family members and such and I finally had to tell everyone what is really going on. It’s so hard. I even had to tell one of my best clients, because for a while he was posting strange things on social media. It’s like trying to keep water from overflowing a glass. I used to be a fun-loving, silly, person at parties and now I just kind of hang back. I actually try not to go to parties. Plus, I’m so wiped out most of the time.
Nanny ger- After 9-10 years of this alcohol problem with my son, I have reached a place like you that it’s time to step back. I had to block my son from communication for almost a month ( see my post on 2/22/21) because he was harassing me all day with texts about how I am a sinner and it is his spiritual duty to show me my sins. Apparently, one of my sins is that I “judge” him for being an alcoholic. He says, “I was born this way- I didn’t choose it”. That’s not the case at all. I do “judge” him for not doing anything to actively change his problem.
I hear all of you brave women. I listen to you and want to reach out and hug you. I get a bit upset and think, “How could their kids do this to them!” And yet, I’m the same.
I just know this, that he continues to do the same thing over and over, so I must be different. I’ve made so, so many mistakes and have enabled him so much through the years. It took me so long to piece it all together and see it for what it is in the bright light of day. I’ve spent so much time trying to fix his problem and it hasn’t worked at all and it takes such a toll.
It seems like we moms are supposed to love our kids to the detriment of ourselves, and that just doesn’t seem right. When did I stop being a person? I wouldn’t allow anyone else in my life to treat me the way he does. I’m grieving the loss of the boy I knew. I can’t even call him a man because he doesn’t act like one. I’m angry too. Just so many emotions. A day at a time. I want to love myself more than the dysfunctional love I have with him right now….
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Hi February Marie,
Good to hear from you and thank you for your kind words of support.
I remember reading your earlier posts, I think you were one of the first people to reply to me when I joined the forum.
So it’s past midnight and I can’t sleep, busy mnd I guess. You hit the nail on the head when you said about grieving for the son he used to be. I do that too, I guess we all do. Dreaming of the Eureka moment they will have one day! Please God if only…
I’m so thankful for this thread and you wonderful ladies, I agree February Marie, so strong overcoming difficulties, and unselfish to be thinking of others when they are stressed and anxious . God bless you ❤
Sending virtual hugs
Lx
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Thinking of you all, also not slept. I think we have to hang on to that Lindy, I pray all our boys come through this and we have some joy in our lives again xxx
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Thinking of you all, also not slept. I think we have to hang on to that Lindy, I pray all our boys come through this and we have some joy in our lives again xxx
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ladies lots of kind words here.
FebruaryMarie welcome …sorry like the rest of us we have this shadow over you.
we have to believe that the sun will shine brighter at some point.
big hugs all xxx
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Hi February Marie I too came on here a few years ago but needed to reach out again recently and thanks to Lindyloo she put me onto this thread. Sadly it is very comforting knowing we’re not alone. My son was a heavy gambler but then 3 years ago we found out cocaine has played a large part in his now very sad life. He’s 33 but it seems he started using it socially at 18 now he can’t stop. This has resulted in a very short marriage ending in divorce after the birth of his son 3 years ago. Fast forward to now, thousands of pounds later, vile horrendous abuse to those that love him, counselling, attending drugs projects and lots of tears, begging and pleading nothing has changed. He lives a very sad and lonely life now and there’s nothing more I can do to help. He has a girlfriend but I think she’s had enough now. I’ll always be here like the rest of you for your boys but when they won’t talk or get help you have to walk away. I smile but there’s nothing behind the eyes now. I hate hearing about my friends’ sons and how well they’re doing and that is wrong, that’s not fair. My son has done this to himself, no one forced him or tortured him to take cocaine. So I’m really thankful for this group, it helps so much x
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68862 – I’m so sorry things are really bad at the moment. It’s so hard to watch them struggling and not being able to do anything. You have done so much, one day he will see that.
I feel like you, I hate hearing about the achievements of other people’s children and seeing their pride. Then I hate myself for feeling that. There is no joy in this. I have heard of parents leaving their jobs because they can’t cope and am trying to hold on to mine but I know I’m not doing a great job at the moment. My son is gearing up to coming off heroin again and I know he really wants to, so am going to put my energy in to supporting him in that but none of it is easy, it means months of insomnia for him, I wish I could do it for him.
I hope everyone has a good day x
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68862 – I’m so sorry things are really bad at the moment. It’s so hard to watch them struggling and not being able to do anything. You have done so much, one day he will see that.
I feel like you, I hate hearing about the achievements of other people’s children and seeing their pride. Then I hate myself for feeling that. There is no joy in this. I have heard of parents leaving their jobs because they can’t cope and am trying to hold on to mine but I know I’m not doing a great job at the moment. My son is gearing up to coming off heroin again and I know he really wants to, so am going to put my energy in to supporting him in that but none of it is easy, it means months of insomnia for him, I wish I could do it for him.
I hope everyone has a good day x
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Hi Jem thanks for your post. I’m so pleased your son is trying again. I’ll pray he can do it this time. So today I called my son and once again we have the tears. This time he’s spent his rent money and is beside himself with worry and fear. I went to his flat and he is a pitiful sight. My beautiful boy so depressed and ashamed. Obviously he’s asked for £600 to cover his rent but I don’t have it so he asked me to ask his dad but I know this will cause ructions and i suspect he will refuse. I told him this and he then said he will kill himself if he can’t pay it. I’ve told him to come on here, follow men in recovery on tik tok, and join CA and NA which he said he would. I don’t know what else to do now. I said if we pay the rent he’ll just continue but he reckons he won’t. He doesn’t want to be like this but I’ve heard it all before. Damned if I do and dsmned if I don’t.
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So upsetting isnt it seeing our sons in such a state. Big hugs.
I dont do tik tol so is there something g on there for them to follow re recovery?
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So upsetting isnt it seeing our sons in such a state. Big hugs.
I dont do tik tol so is there something g on there for them to follow re recovery?
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Hi Bump its individuals who are in recovery and post everyday inspiration and encouragement or how long they have been in recovery each day. The ones I follow are all ordinary young men in their 30s. There is one guy on there who was using cocaine for over 30 years but has been in recovery for a few years now and has written a book. Again it helps and gives me hope for my son.
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Hi 68862 I’m really sorry, its so stressful for you to go through this. Its easy to say that you just say ‘no’ but so hard when you do it. I’ve caved in loads of times, and I think they lose perspective on how much £600 actually is because their lives are all about spending large amounts on drink or drugs. They don’t choose to live that way its just where they’ve ended up, but everyone suffers, as their mum’s I don’t think there can be much pain greater than this.
Just keep talking on the thread, it is the thing that has got me through recently. Sometimes I am in work meetings and an email pops up, I just find it comforting to read about others out there. I feel sad for all of us, but know that this thread has amazing people on it and I feel lucky to have found them.
Tonight was a good one for me, I sat in the sunshine with my son and we ate fish and chips, he was completely his old self, and I just wanted to savour the moment, of him feeling comfortable and talking and joking like we used to. When you are going through the bad times its hard to remember or to keep believing that the person they were before all of this is still there somewhere. I wish I could hang on to that thought.
I hope you can switch your phone off tonight and watch something good on tv, and not think about it for a few hours. I’m thinking of you xxx
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Thanks Bump and how lovely having time with your son like old times. Yes this thread has been a massive lifeline to me recently so thank you everyone. Just waiting for hubby to come home from fishing and tell him the bad news again. Wish me luck. X
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Thanks for that jem. I think I have forgotten who my old son was. I’m glad you had that time.
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Thanks Bump, In the sunshine, he looked so handsome and we were talking about things from his childhood, it all felt so normal. I actually felt my heart rate slow down and I just tried to really enjoy and appreciate the moment. It was like a war stopping for a little while.
I hope that your son is doing okay, I know what a long struggle its been, knowing where he is at night and that he’s safe must be a relief, although I get that he’s probably hating it.
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It is so nice to see them like their old selves! You do just try to drink it all in and enjoy that moment. I’ve had those with my son too, although it makes it bittersweet when their gone again.
My son recently went to the hospital to detox, which I was relieved to hear. It’s not safe for him to detox alone. He has to go there to get the medicine that helps him detox. He didn’t tell me he was going, just that he was there for four days and that he came home and cried. At the hospital, a social worker usually comes in and gives them resources which he never uses. I texted him a few days later and he just said that he’s exhausted and depressed. I just told him to hang in there, that he could do it. I have to keep my distance to protect myself. This last relapse of his was very difficult. He did and said a lot of awful things to me. I realize that it was the alcohol talking, but I’m human and those things affect a person. They’re hard to forget. When he gets sober, he says he wishes everyone could just forget the past and move forward. The guilt for him then is terrible. And then the guilt, anxiety and stress start to take a toll on him and then you start to see the cracks. I always pray that this time will be the one for good, but I’ve learned to not start to hope too much. It must be on mind though because the last few nights I’ve had dreams that he’s his old self again. I’ve had to accept that really he’ll probably never be that old self again completely, and I’ll have to learn a new normal.
I hope you’re all having a good day today! Best wishes to all! ❤️
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Hi ladies, I’ve been catching up with your posts.
Jem – I’m so pleased for you, you spent some quality time with your son. I truly hope you have more moments like that.
February Marie- I’m glad you have joined this thread, a problem shared ..etc sorry to hear about your son in hospital. I thought my son was going to have to go last week for a detox too. The doctor wouldn’t help him at all. He seems to have come through it without medical intervention thankfully.
Bump – i hope you are keeping better knowing your son is safe.
God bless you all, thinking of everyone here.
Sending hugs
Lx
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Hi All so an update on Thursday. I told my husband when he got home from fishing about what our son had done again (he always asks if everything is OK when he comes in and can tell by my face). He went to his flat to see him and talk but didn’t get much change. Whilst he was there my son’s girlfriend messaged me to say she was walking away now. She had to for her own mental health. Anyway my husband agreed to give him his rent money but we are both in agreement that if it happens again we will have to walk away too. Its been too long of trying to help he needs to do this on his own and suffer the consequences if he can’t pay for it. We should have done it a long time ago but as Parents you try to help and protect your children. We are both in our 60s and don’t need this anymore. It’s getting harder to deal with. Yesterday he spent the whole day in bed sleeping it off. I don’t know what’s going to happen now but I always live in hope that each time he will wake up and think this time I’m going to recover. Hope you all have a good weekend x
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Hi Ladies,
Have been reading a.lol of your posts as I do most days. I hope things improve for our Sons.
My Son is doing well at the moment and as you will all know it is so much easier and calmer when they are somewhat free of the alcohol and drugs.
He finds it hard everyday. Luckily he holds down a job which he is good at, he has joined the Gym this week and it took him a lot to go, but he did it in the end and was so glad that he did, I think exercise is so good for them and gives them something to concentrate on. He chats a lot to other addicts in Recovery which he says helps him because they know exactly what they are feeling and fighting.
I hope you all have a good weekend, think of you all often.
Take care
Dx
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Hi Debc, I’m so pleased for you and your son. That’s great news , as others have said, it gives up hope for our boys. I guess there will always be positive and negative news on this thread.
It’s so good to hear positive news.
My son is in a slightly better place than before, in that he’s seeking support and seems to be interested in work again. I’m also thankful that he is managing to hold down his job. He needs to take up an interest or hobby like your son, as he’s still moping about a bit. Time to take care of you now.
Lx
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Hi Ladies,
Have been reading a.lol of your posts as I do most days. I hope things improve for our Sons.
My Son is doing well at the moment and as you will all know it is so much easier and calmer when they are somewhat free of the alcohol and drugs.
He finds it hard everyday. Luckily he holds down a job which he is good at, he has joined the Gym this week and it took him a lot to go, but he did it in the end and was so glad that he did, I think exercise is so good for them and gives them something to concentrate on. He chats a lot to other addicts in Recovery which he says helps him because they know exactly what they are feeling and fighting.
I hope you all have a good weekend, think of you all often.
Take care
Dx
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Hello 68862, it’s such a difficult decision over rent, and knowing how much worse things can get if your son is homeless. Is there an opportunity to try and take control of his money as it comes in. I have a bit of an agreement with my son at the moment that if he wants help then I control his money. It’s not perfect and does go wrong but it has helped quite a bit. When he gets paid he transfers the bulk of it to me and I transfer back in smaller amounts. My son made a comment a while ago about a friend of his ‘if he’s not prepared to hand over his money he’s not serious or ready to be helped.’ I guess the problem is that even if they aren’t ready you still want them to have a roof over their head, so this might be completely unworkable or something you’ve tried before. I really feel for you with this, it’s a long drawn out agony, that drains you mentally and financially.
Lindyloo I hope that things are okay with your son. Thank you for your kind words, I’m trying to learn to appreciate small positives and not to focus on the bad stuff – very hard though.
I hope everyone has a good day with no drama.
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Debc – it’s really good to hear your news, you must be happy to have a life that’s a bit calmer, it sounds like your son’s doing really well. Joining a gym is a big step, I can’t imagine my son ever doing that. It’s great to hear good news, it reminds me that they turn corners and anything is possible. Take care xxx
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Gives US hope….
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Gives US hope….
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Hi all- 68862 it’s such a hard thing to do when faced with icing me them money yet again. You’re always hoping that this take they’ll take the help and finally do something with it. I’m sure some do. With my son, I’ve had to say no for a long time now. He’s a taker.
I just texted him yesterday to see how he’s doing since going to the hospital to detox. He said he’s depressed which happens. I asked him if he got in touch with a therapist and he says he tried. Who knows? He said his problem right now is money. He was trying to get his doctorate a few years back and messed that up with his drinking. Now he’s trying to get back in the program so he can get student loans again. That’s how he’s been living all these years. He’s a career student. He has more student debt than he can even repay in his lifetime. Right now the university is saying no and he’s freaking out. In the this last relapse he actually asked me to support him financially so he could finish his degree which he hasn’t even been working on these last few years! He said, “Aren’t you proud of me and don’t you want me to finish?” Do you see the manipulation? Well I said no. I told him, you’re 39 years old and you need to get a job. I work for my money and you need to also. You’re not a kid. Well it escalated and he hung up on me.
It’s worrisome to me that his focus is more on getting loans than the hard work of sobriety. He usually does this when he gets sober and then he sees how bad his life is, how much he’s hurt his loved ones, and then the guilt and anxiety get too much and well, we know how what happens then. I pray he’ll dig deep and find the strength. I know it’s in there, but he’s developed such a pattern. He’s a loving person as I’m certain all of our sons are, I just haven’t seen that in him for a long while. I’m sorry I’ve been a bit negative. He’s running out of money and that means there’s going to be problems.
Hugs to all!!! ♥️♥️♥️
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Hey everyone I’ve had something else to focus on this afternoon, my daughters baby shower albeit very small because of restrictions. We had it in our garden in the gorgeous sunshine. It really took my mind off of things. She’s due in 3 weeks and I’m so looking forward to the distraction.
Jem thank you for suggesting me holding on to his money for him but we did try a while back but it didn’t work and tbh the majority of his money goes straight out on bills etc and this is why he ends up asking to borrow from us to pay for his habit! To be fair this is the first time he’s used his rent money and I just hope it’s the last time.
Februarymarie, my son is a taker too! Never offers to pay back (when he can), everything is all about what we can do for him. You son’s comment would be my son’s too. Forget all the pain and heartache they’ve caused but we should be proud because they’ve attempted something they should be doing anyway.
DebC I wish my son would get some exercise its so good for them so well done to yours.
Goodnight ladies, I’m shattered after today and probably the last few days stress catching up with me. Have a great, trouble free Sunday ????????????????
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Hi 68862
Hope you had a lovely day with your family. A little grandchild soon, that’s great news.
I think it will be a while before I’m a granny lol. I’m certainly old enough but I guess circumstances prevent it for the moment and my daughter is still at uni.
Hope you’re all enjoying the lovely sunny weekend.
Take care all.
Lx
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68862- congratulations on your grandchild (5) due to arrive soon! My grandchildren are such an incredible source of joy to this weary heart. They bring such love and real smiles to my life. And my two daughters too. I’m so proud of the moms they’ve become. I have a good husband, a good extended family. They remind me that there is a lot of good in my life. It’s something I’m really working on- to put my energy in the good places. If I could just fix that one corner of my life with my son…… but I can’t. He has to. If you met me, you’d never know I carry this sorrow because I’m an upbeat person but of course it’s there. I’m so grateful that I have found all of you to have my safe place for that corner of my life that everyone else is probably sick of hearing about because it’s a roller coaster.
I hope you all had a beautiful Sunday. I’m heading home from a camping trip in Moab, Utah. Maybe you could look it up, it’s such a unique and incredible place! I mostly did great. Thoughts of my son most days, but overall a wonderful time.
♥️♥️♥️
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Wow, Utah USA. I forget that people here are posting from all over the world. Sounds idyllic, im glad you had that time and the rest of the family are supportive.
Yes, I was usually the good natured upbeat jokey one but not lately. Trying to put on a brave face fir my family, and work aren’t aware so it’s a good distraction there. Yep, I agree, its hard to switch off from worrying about them isn’t it?
At least your battery has been charged for the week ahead!
Sending hugs across the miles
Lx
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Thanks Lindy Loo! I live in Colorado, USA ????????. It’s about a 5 1/2 hour drive.
We’ll all keep putting our brave face for the world and then we have each other for the rough stuff. ????????????
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How lovely Februarymarie, I bet that did you the world of good and you’re in the States, wow. I have a pen pal ????
Me too, I have an upbeat nature and a lot of people would be gobsmacked if they knew half of what’s going on in my family but I keep it all together as best I can. We had a good Sunday today with my son bringing my grandson for the afternoon and Sunday dinner. I don’t know, there was something different about him. I’m just hoping it’s the realisation of what he’s put people through. Apparently he cried most of the day yesterday as his girlfriend has definitely finished it and won’t be talked round. Good for her I say! What we carry on our shoulders eh Lindyloo? The fake smiles and saying everything is fine. But we’re strong ladies and we’ve got each other if only through this forum. Let’s pray for a good week ????
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Hi 68862,
Absolutely, im hoping you ladies inspire me, you already do, you’re all so strong.
We’ll always have good days and bad days but we all have each other here. I’ve said it before…something positive out if something negative.
Yes, here’s to a good week, and lockdown here is relaxing. Thank the Lord!
Sending hugs
Lx
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Hi All
Lindyloo suggested I post on here.
So here’s my story .
My Beautiful Boy – we watched the film, my son cried and said that he wanted to stop smoking weed. By this time he’d been smoking for 3 years.
We are now in our 5th year and he has no signs of slowing down.
We have had family chats more times than I care to mention whereby he cries and tells us he wants to stop, he’s sorry – all the right words that we want to hear. We forgive him and say lets move forwards. We don’t we just go back to the same routine. After one of our chats – he brought £110 worth the following day, apparently it was too good an offer to miss.
I’ve found out he’s been out smoking and driving home so I’ve messaged him saying don’t come back and I’ve locked him out. He’s sofa surfed and then come back promising to change – lasts a day at the most now.
He is in his final year of university and his dissertation is slowly coming together – as with everything n his life he will pass by the skin of his teeth.
He started at the end of his GCSE’s. I found rolled up pieces of card and cigarette papers in his pocket – I guessed he had maybe had a joint and hoped that would be it. I left them on his desk with a note saying: should I be worried??!!! No reply and they vanished never to be discussed or spoken about.
I didn’t tell my husband as he works long hours and didn’t think he needed any added stresses.
I discovered he was smoking weed on a regular basis and he said he only did it occasionally. I then had to tell my husband as I felt it was going to get out of hand and we needed to nip it in the bud.
Since then it’s gone onto him smoking daily. I feel he was self medicating with weed at first; I think it relaxed him and made him confident when dealing with social situations.
However, it’s now a reliance and he is addicted. He’s irritable when he can’t have a smoke, this has alienated him from the family.
I have blamed all his friends he’s been in contact with but when I read his messages he instigates the buying,meeting up etc. So I’ve stopped blaming them and I’ve come to realise he is an addict and can’t do without it.
He drives after smoking it; parking up then driving home. He cannot see the harm or danger in this. we have said if he gets caught this could affect his whole future if he had a criminal record.
Also, it’s the lies he tells in order to smoke. Where he’s going – we have found out he’s driven miles to meet up with people. At one stage we thought he was dealing; possibly county lines.
He lied and told us he was staying at his girlfriends and told her he was at home – turned out one of his associates has a flat; a group of them were holed up smoking weed and taking acid.
He’s in debt – we’ve bailed him out but now I refuse as my stance is if he can afford weed he should be responsible for his money management.
His addiction has caused arguments between me and my husband as I have a zero tolerance and think he could do without it, my husband says leave him he’ll grow out of it – I can’t see it.
I’ve since found out he’s been taking acid again – my husband confronted him, as I lose my patience – he denied it.
His routine now is go to bed early hours, get up, food, bath, go out or work ( he has a part time job in a local supermarket, god knows how he keeps it going), or he drives to his friends – I don’t see them as friends I see them as fellow addicts, or his friend picks him up if we’ve taken his keys from him, comes back early hours as he knows we’re in bed and won’t confront him – Repeat.
He looks awful, he is so thin but hides it with baggy clothes but when he comes downstairs without a top, his waist is so thin.
He is someone I don’t recognise, I don’t see him as my bright, good looking, athletic son – I see him as an addict plain and simple.
I don’t know what the answer is – if I throw him out he will either sink lower or realise that it’s no life and want to change.
I’m heartbroken and lost.
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Hi All
Lindyloo suggested I post on here for support.
Here’s my story…….
My Beautiful Boy – we watched the film, my son cried and said that he wanted to stop smoking weed. By this time he’d been smoking for 3 years.
We are now in our 5th year and he has no signs of slowing down.
We have had family chats more times than I care to mention whereby he cries and tells us he wants to stop, he’s sorry – all the right words that we want to hear. We forgive him and say lets move forwards. We don’t we just go back to the same routine. After one of our chats – he brought £110 worth the following day, apparently it was too good an offer to miss.
I’ve found out he’s been out smoking and driving home so I’ve messaged him saying don’t come back and I’ve locked him out. He’s sofa surfed and then come back promising to change – lasts a day at the most now.
He is in his final year of university and his dissertation is slowly coming together – as with everything n his life he will pass by the skin of his teeth.
He started at the end of his GCSE’s. I found rolled up pieces of card and cigarette papers in his pocket – I guessed he had maybe had a joint and hoped that would be it. I left them on his desk with a note saying: should I be worried??!!! No reply and they vanished never to be discussed or spoken about.
I didn’t tell my husband as he works long hours and didn’t think he needed any added stresses.
I discovered he was smoking weed on a regular basis and he said he only did it occasionally. I then had to tell my husband as I felt it was going to get out of hand and we needed to nip it in the bud.
Since then it’s gone onto him smoking daily. I feel he was self medicating with weed at first; I think it relaxed him and made him confident when dealing with social situations.
However, it’s now a reliance and he is addicted. He’s irritable when he can’t have a smoke, this has alienated him from the family.
I have blamed all his friends he’s been in contact with but when I read his messages he instigates the buying,meeting up etc. So I’ve stopped blaming them and I’ve come to realise he is an addict and can’t do without it.
He drives after smoking it; parking up then driving home. He cannot see the harm or danger in this. we have said if he gets caught this could affect his whole future if he had a criminal record.
Also, it’s the lies he tells in order to smoke. Where he’s going – we have found out he’s driven miles to meet up with people. At one stage we thought he was dealing; possibly county lines.
He lied and told us he was staying at his girlfriends and told her he was at home – turned out one of his associates has a flat; a group of them were holed up smoking weed and taking acid.
He’s in debt – we’ve bailed him out but now I refuse as my stance is if he can afford weed he should be responsible for his money management.
His addiction has caused arguments between me and my husband as I have a zero tolerance and think he could do without it, my husband says leave him he’ll grow out of it – I can’t see it.
I’ve since found out he’s been taking acid again – my husband confronted him, as I lose my patience – he denied it.
His routine now is go to bed early hours, get up, food, bath, go out or work ( he has a part time job in a local supermarket, god knows how he keeps it going), or he drives to his friends – I don’t see them as friends I see them as fellow addicts, or his friend picks him up if we’ve taken his keys from him, comes back early hours as he knows we’re in bed and won’t confront him – Repeat.
He looks awful, he is so thin but hides it with baggy clothes but when he comes downstairs without a top, his waist is so thin.
He is someone I don’t recognise, I don’t see him as my bright, good looking, athletic son – I see him as an addict plain and simple.
I don’t know what the answer is – if I throw him out he will either sink lower or realise that it’s no life and want to change.
I’m heartbroken and lost.
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Welcome to the thread MrsB
We’re all in the same boat here and sad to read you’re going through the same.
At least we have each other here.
Lx
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Thank you.
It’s good to know you’re not alone and everyone’s stories are similar in the way we feel and are treated by our loved ones
M
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Hello MrsB247- welcome to the group of people who know your pain. I’m much farther along than you in that my son has been an alcoholic for probably 10 years now. So much of what you’re expressing is what we’re all going through- it’s unbearable, but this group helps me get by. It sounds like your son is young. I really pray
that he will learn it’s not the way to live and change. Hugs to you! ♥️
I feel like you’re all my UK pen pals! I’d love to go there someday!
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Thank you
You feel like you’re going mad and you’re the one who’s wrong.
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MrsB247 I feel your pain and anguish , as long as he’s still being nice and friendly to you I wouldn’t throw him out , It could make it worse. I would talk to him as an adult and tell him that you understand his choices ( make him feel like an adult) but he has to understand the home rules.
As others are working in the house he needs to come home at a decent time as so not to make noise.
Also take a photo or two of him without his top and mention to him that he’s loosing weight .
Involve him in family things get an connection going.
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Hi Mrs B247 Lindyloo suggested it to me too and I’m so grateful. I’m so sorry about your son and your story sounds all too familiar so welcome to the thread.
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We are all from different backgrounds, our stories are different but there is a common thread that runs through our stories.
M
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MrsB247- you’re not crazy. It’s the addiction that is crazy. Your loved one tells you they’re fine, and you know in your head that it’s not true, but your heart tries to believe them because it makes you feel better in the moment. They tell you it’s no big deal, and that you’re overreacting and inside you pray that are, but you know that you’re not overreacting- you’re scared.
At least it was for me. I did this for many years, thinking it was just a phase, or youthful partying, or that it was because of the stress in his life. His sisters tried to tell me years ago and I thought they were being too hard on him and they were overreacting! The truth is, for me this has been a journey of trying to accept what I know to be true, that my son is an addicted alcoholic. I have had to accept it these last few years because they’ve been so bad, and still nothing different for him but the same pattern. And more things he’s losing like his health, his future career and most shockingly, his family which I would never, ever have thought possible.
Hang in there as best as you can. It helps if you and your husband can mostly be aligned in the things you do. Many marriages are torn apart from this, and you need each other.
Love to you ❤
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Februarymarie
I have become the bad cop as I have now reached the point whereby I don’t want him in my life any more.
As a mother that’s awful but I have faced facts he’s an addict, he is selfish, he has no thought for his family home and I don’t want this for the rest of my life.
I want to live and enjoy my life. Instead we have a pattern of lying, coming home late, debt, mixing with the wrong crowd.
My husband is still trying to see the good in him and this is causing conflict.
Thanks for your support
M
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Hi ladies, i just wondered if you read Danman83’s stories. He recently posted he’s 4 months clean from alcohol and cocaine.
He has always given advice from a different prospective which is good. It helped me to understand my son better, it also gives me hope that my son can get back on track and turn his life around.
My son also partied hard as a teen, from 14, I believe . He told me recently that it made him more confident. But then it spiralled out of control, he started gambling a lot, more partying. He finally stopped the gambling, drinking more, leading to cocaine. Such a waste, all his hard earned cash down the pan or up his nose.
Thankfully he’s still employed, a functioning addict, no cocaine though I’m told.
I pray he sees the light, he’s managed almost 6 months clean until a few weeks ago he relapsed.
Sad but we just have to deal with it.
The addiction prayer begins…
“Please God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.”.etc Google it.
It pretty much works for the loved ones of addicts too.
Sending hugs
Lx
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Thanks Lindy Loo- I’ll check out Danman. ♥️
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Hi Lindyloo yes I’ve read Danman83’s posts and it gives me hope like so many of the recovering addicts I follow on tik toc. Your boy’s story could be my son’s exactly as you’ve described except he’s never been clean or gamble free for 6 mths. That’s a brilliant achievement.
When his first serious girlfriend finished with him after 6 years because he owed 10k in loans, he was 24, he went straight out and got the prayer tattooed on his arm. Lot of good that did!
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Oh dear, I guess the serenity prayer doesn’t always work for everyone !
Yes, so frustrating, he did it through AA and CA, personally I think it’s the only thing that’s worked.
He has met some good people through it though. He says he doesn’t want to do the Big book yet again. Pity.
Let’s hope and pray for a good week, thinking of you all here.
Lx
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Mrs B , I noticed the Icarus trust replied to your post, perhaps they can help and support you through this difficult time?
I think I would contact them if it was me, I think they have counselling services.
Every situation is different, I suppose. I know I’m probably enabling my son atm, he has no money until payday Friday. But I’ve been keeping him going on food and tobacco. He lives i his own flat thankfully, so whatever he does, its not under our noses like before which was a nightmare.
I feel that, as long as he’s eating, he’s able to work, to earn. At least we’re in contact so I’m happy to do it, but I always get a knot in my stomach when I see he’s phoning me. I guess that feeling never goes until they’re 100 clean for a while.
My husband doesn’t get too involved any more, he’s worried for his mental and physical health. So its pretty much down to me.
I just hope and pray that he can turn a corner like before.
Take care of yourself first and foremost.
Lx
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Thanks
I will contact them.
I paid for private counselling sessions for him. He attended 2, I looked on his phone while he was asleep and he messaged his friend after the first session saying, “That’s an hour of my life I won’t get back”
But I feel I need something as I’m just going through the motions.
M
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Hi Mrs. B247- counseling has helped me enormously over the years. It has helped me with the guilt, the grief over all that has been lost, the sadness, and the fear. I haven’t conquered all of it, and I may never, but I have improved a lot. I have also gone to many Al-anon meetings and I know it has helped so many people, but it wasn’t quite the right fit for me. At Al-anon, you don’t talk too much about your “person” who has the addiction because they want you to focus on yourself which is good too. But that’s why this place is so good for me because I do need to talk about him sometimes. I also don’t want to live the rest of my life like this. It’s such a hard place, if this was anyone other than our child, we’d probably cut them out of our life for good and have some peace, but it doesn’t feel natural to do that. And I don’t judge those parents who choose to do that either.
I know my son really, really needs counseling. He’s never really consistently done it and it’s so critical for him. He needs to get out of his own head and his distorted thinking. But, as with everything else, I can’t make him. You may have some leverage with them if they live at home, but mine doesn’t so what can you do?
The important thing is that you are a valuable human being, and deserving of some peace in your life. You have every right to take some of that wasted energy on them and put it on yourself. Hugs to you..❤
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Hi Februarymarie
I have contacted to arrange counselling for myself – I am in the 5th year of this and it’s now taking it’s toll on me.
We had a ‘chat’ with my son at lunch time before he left for work. My husband called it; said he has to stop smoking and driving otherwise he’ll take his car off him. My husband said the police have only got to see you with a light out or something and pull you over. Weed is in your system for days and you smoke every day. He just stands there listening then gets defensive, then ‘arsey’ and walks off.
I said don’t you want to stop and live a normal life – then he shouts at me, never his Dad!!
He has now lost 2 house keys and we won’t give him another. I said maybe he’ll come back at a decent hour – no luck; went out yesterday at 1.30pm came back at 2.30am!
I just want him to pass his degree then I have leverage to say do something or leave.
Not what I want to do but I cannot live like this any longer xxx
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Hello to Everyone on this thread who has shared their stories. Yes, all have a common theme and variations on what is going on in our sons’ lives. Sadly, I had to find the strength to make the heartwrenching decision to say goodbye to my son, his actions and behaviours were totally destroying me. I was enabling him with constantly giving him money, buying him food and doing his washing. Work and studying belonged to the distant past and I had to endure the agony of prison visits and child protection meetings. I continue to hope and pray, that is all that is left now but my heart is full of pain. I truly hope that you and yours find some peace and that addictions can be overcome /supported. It is impossible for people to understand unless they have experienced the nightmare of it all and the catastrophic effects on the addict and their loved ones. No-one at work knows anything and only a couple of my very closest friends. Hope and peace to you all. Thank you for your shared stories which help to relieve the isolation of it all
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Hi nanny ger,
Sending you a big hug, and hoping that you are feeling ok ish.
I think you have been very strong making your decision, there is only so much that we can take, and they do say you have to be cruel to be kind, and I think that’s very true.
It’s time to take some time for yourself and take care of you.
I say to people that unless you live or have lived with addiction, they will never know the nightmare that we live with, I can only describe it as hell.
Take care
Dx
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Hi Nannyger
I’m so sorry to read your latest post. I agree with the others, you have endured so much pain and did your best for him. I can’t imagine what you have been through.
None of my parents or family know or work colleagues only 2 very close friends. At least I know I can talk freely here and know i won’t be judged and have other mums who understand.
I think and pray for us all daily in the hope that our son’s lives improve and that we can move on with ours.
Take care , sending you thoughts and prayers.
Lx
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Hi nanny ger
I totally get it.
I feel like i’m a hamster on a wheel, going round and round. The constant cycle of lies, debt, weed, worry, arguments, broken promises.
I am ready to cut ties with him as he’s costing me my marriage, health, life. I need to try to get on with my life. Asa mother I will never stop worrying or thinking about him. BUT I have to remember he doesn’t return the concern or love, I also have to remember it’s the weed and not him.
I found a considerable stash in his car at the weekend along with seeds – I showed my husband who was concerned but says leave him till he’s completed his university then we’ll address it.
I too have confided in my 2 close friends, work colleagues are unaware – they think we are perfect 2.4 family. On the surface we are inside it’s a mess.
Good luck to everyone on here and we have the strength to carry on.
It helps to type on here and vent.
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Nanny ger, I am so sorry that you’ve gone through all of this. I can’t imagine the misery of seeing my son in prison or homeless, like some of the mum’s on this thread. I just know some of the fear and helplessness you will have experienced and the lack of support by professionals. I’ve no idea how you you’ve carried on at work and put on that face every day. I really hope that your life gets easier. I feel for your son as well and hope that at some point he is able to turn his life around. You have to get on with with living yours now. You’ve done everything you possibly can and have other people who need you to survive this. I am thinking of you x
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I agree with Debc it’s pure hell and we have to just hope for a happy ending one day x
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Hi Nanny Ger I am so sorry that your story took you to prison visits. You did everything you could for your son. Your love enabled him and that is no different to any of us that have or are going through. We live in fear that we will have to cut all ties with our son one day. Please know that you have our utmost respect and love and fully support your decision. Incidentally, on Casualty this Saturday which I don’t normally watch a character cut all ties with her son after he got her involved in dealing prescription drugs. It’s such a heartbreaking thing to do but sometimes something has to give. X
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Yes, loving an addict and the suffering that it brings, is a hell that only we know. Part of what makes it so awful is the ups and downs, the uncertainty even when they get sober at times, and that this just never ends. Even when you take steps to remove them out of your life, you still suffer with an incredible pain in your heart. A long while ago, I used to hear about or know families who were estranged. I would think, ” I can’t imagine anything that my child would do that would make me stop talking to them.” How wrong I was. I couldn’t have seen this whole addiction thing coming. I thought love could conquer all and it just doesn’t.
MrsB247- I hope that you have connected with a good counselor. I hope your son does manage to finish his degree- my son hasn’t finished his PhD and I don’t think they’re going to let him back in. At least if your son finishes, maybe your son will get his life together and at least he’ll have that. You talk about the lost house keys, my son has probably lost at least 6 phones in the past- I’m sure while intoxicated. He’s been robbed while intoxicated, he’s had stitches on both sides of his face from falling. It goes on and on. Sometimes those feelings of ‘I can’t go on like this’ give you the courage to make small changes in how you deal with them, and gives you some breathing room.
nanny ger- oh how my heart goes out to you. I have not had the prison piece of it. I can’t even imagine that. My son has had two DUI’s, but didn’t have to serve jail time. This addiction lifestyle is so insane that it is definitely in the realm of possibility that there could be incarceration for something. I reached a limit with him a few months back when he was treating me so terrible and harassing me so bad that I had to block him on my phone- it felt so weird and yet, I just couldn’t take it anymore. I truly felt emotionally abused. We didn’t speak for months. When he’s drinking, I don’t even know who he is. I recently unblocked him because he reached out by email and seemed more calmed down.
When I was heading home from the trip that I shared last week, he texted me to tell me he had just gotten out of the hospital from detoxing for four days. He said he was very depressed. I didn’t know what to say, it’s the same each time. He supposedly has an addiction counselor, but I don’t know if he’ll even go- he hasn’t before. Our Mother’s Day here in the States is this upcoming Sunday. He said he doesn’t know what to do with Mother’s Day and I said I think you need time and I said, ‘So do I’. He hurt me so bad with this last relapse- he was so awful, honestly I’m not ready to see him in person. I want him to see his counselor and have longer sobriety. He said, ” I don’t see what sin I’ve committed that I should get the silent treatment. How long do I have to be sober for the family to say I’m officially sober”.
Wow- really??!! How do I even begin to tell him. I just said, ‘You keep going and we’ll talk’. Sadly, this tells me that he still doesn’t take responsibility for his actions while intoxicated. The pain he causes me makes me afraid of him, and I don’t which person he’ll be when I see him.
You are all brave, loving, and dedicated mothers. I’m know that we’ve all done more than we should have by now, but we’re moms and that’s all we know how to do . But we’re people too and Jem, you’re right. We have many people who love us and I know I need to remember that. You stop caring about yourself because you’re so beat down, but that’s just not right.
Love to you all. One day a time….❤❤❤
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Hi February Marie, just to wish you Happy Mother’s Day, I hope it’s special for you. For us ladies in the UK , Mother’s day was in March.
Thinking and praying for us all here.
Take care all ❤
Lx
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Thanks Lindy Loo! Yes, Mother’s Day was this past Sunday here in the States.
It was a mix of feelings- happiness and sorrow at the same time which is just crazy. My youngest daughter, who lives near me, decided to go out of town with her husband and two little ones. My middle daughter lives out of state and she sent me a sweet bouquet of flowers. I’m proud of both of them as moms. I realized that it meant that I would not be with any of my kids on Mother’s Day. ( My mom has passed.) I decided to go and join my sister and her family for breakfast with my hubby. It was good, but hard too to see their happy family.
I was not ready to see my son- it’s only been a couple of weeks since he went to detox. My son did text me on the day which I was telling myself not to expect. He sent me a bit of a strange card too about how we’ll get past this hard time, which i found strange because we are in this hard time because of him and he made no mention of that. I texted him thank you and told him I loved him very much.
Today I feel sorrowful. I made the best of Mother’s Day. I know there are good things in my life. But here is my safe place to let my feelings of sorrow out. My heart is just hurting that he has destroyed so much of his life and himself too. He was a good looking young man who now looks used up. He was a very smart young man who had it all going for him. My expectations of him are now so low, that if he can get and stay sober, I told him I don’t care what kind of job he does as long as its legal, moral and ethical. I don’t care if he lives in his tiny apartment for the rest of his life. I don’t care if he chooses to not every marry and have children. I just want him alive and sober and supporting himself. A far cry from what he was capable of.
Honestly, every holiday goes like this. I stay present and celebrate and do my best for those whom I love and who love me, and yet there is this sorrow.
To you all- thanks for letting me get it all out. Just feeling a bit sad today….
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Hi February Marie
I was thinking of you on Mother’s day and hoping you found some special time with your family.
I’m sorry to hear you’re feeling low, I was a bit like that over the weekend. It’s sad when you just can’t switch off completely.
Its the nature of the beast I guess. Even when my son was clean for all those months, I still had a sense of uneasiness . At least you know that you’re not alone with these thoughts, we’re all sisters here, we can talk about our feelings here freely. No judgement . Everyone feeling Everyone else’s pain.
We as mums can do no more, we have other children who thrive and are successful. Please try not to punish yourself with all the, maybe if this or that, or tried this . Its ultimately down to their choices.
Feel free to off load or vent anytime.
Sending hugs across the miles
Lx
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Thank you Lindyloo- love to you as well. ❤❤❤
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It’s the worst thing ever seeing your son going through this I’m laying here listening to him constantly blowing he’s nose makes me feel sick
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Yes, the whole addiction thing makes you feel sick- both physically and mentally.
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I can very much sympathise with what your going through, I find I’m a softer person more so than my husband even though he loves our son as much as me. I’m the one that’s spun a web of lies and have been falling for it. As a mother no matter what age I can’t switch off, maybe I need to try a little more.
Sending peace to you
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I don’t know where to start really I have a 20yr old son who’s apparently had an unhealthy habit for drugs and alcohol for quite some years. My son started going out into the town drinking before he was of age sneaking around with his friends and getting absolutely ratfaced, me and my husband let things go a few times but then we started to turn corners with him and he backed off from going out as much as he was living with us. Then at 18 things went really south and he started going out drinking and seeing some so called friends, ones he hadn’t originally started off with but apparently so it seems now had the same interest as him (cocaine and alcohol) the alarm bells were ringing even at that point, especially when they would do all day benders and he’d come back relatively sober and sometimes not smelling like much alcohol at all, to looking like he’d had a skin and very agitated and aggressive to some respect. I wanted to believe he didn’t do that not my son who’s so loveable and friendly (when sober and not uti) He’d had a long term girlfriend who had known about this issue for some time but had not made us aware of the situation as both my parents were undergoing cancer treatment at the time and my grandmother had just passed away. Things were already strained for us all. Even my eldest son knew of this habit that was forming and never thought to make us aware, although my husband said he could just tell it wasn’t just alcohol. He had said to us he wanted to change and didn’t want to do this anymore, which I believed, and I also believed that he could just kick the habit of socially taking cocaine to just having a drink but most of the time they now seem to have been very much a dual habit… unfortunately my sons gf couldn’t carry on as they were and they both parted ways… very sad in itself, but then he lost total control and lost his job form where he’d worked from school, to trying to pull money in from anywhere he could.. but the pandemic things cooled off and he was becoming more like himself again calm happy and great fun to be around… now things are lifting again and he’s already left our house to live with two of his better friends, but we have caught him trying to drive while he’s intoxicated and uti …. the panic dread fear have taken hold of me so much right now,I’m holding myself responsible for not getting him the help that he needed before… he said he didn’t want intervention etc… and he wants to move back home again to sort his life out…I am petrified to be honest he’s so unpredictable it scares the hell out of me…but can’t help but blame myself…. I don’t know which way to turn we have lent money to him believing it was for food/ insurance/ rent etc now I know I have just enabled all what I didn’t want too I am at my wits end…
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Hi Asadmum please don’t blame yourself. My son now 33 did exactly the same as yours at 18 and younger. Sadly it’s the coming of age thing where they can go out, get pissed and tbh it’s what we expect. What we don’t expect is the other stuff that so commonly goes along with it and therein lies the problem. At that young age it’s a lot of bravado with their mates but then suddenly they are chasing it. The sad thing is kids younger than when your son started are doing it now. It is just too easy to get. As I said it is not your fault and you cannot do anything to stop him, he has to want to stop himself. No matter how many whatifs you beat yourself up with you couldn’t have stopped him. But the enabling has to stop now, no more money, no more handouts. Sadly we have fallen for the sob stories, promises and lies on too many occasions with him owing us thousands. I am very close to cutting all ties with him if he comes begging again. It’s hard but we are losing our lives because of this my husband is in tears constantly, a big burley bloke like him, its not right! We have to watch what we spend because we’re short of money because of paying his dealers. We have been exactly where you are now and still going through it but you are in no way responsible. We don’t have the answers even though most stories are the same but stay strong you are amongst friends here. Xx
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Oh my goodness, I don’t feel like such a loner after all. Thank you for sharing your story, you are all incredibly compassionate people considering what we are going through/have been through. We haven’t loaned him much money and I’m yet to find out if he owes anyone else at the moment. Me and my husband cut off when we found out that this had not stopped fully. Only a few months ago… after doing so well. Then really relapsed last night and nearly ended up killing himself… he’s back home with us now and not with his friends… I’m praying for a miracle and the right advice… which I’m getting here and I thank you ???? I’ll wait for the miracle just for now xx
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sorry to hear what you are going through asadmum, sadly most us know what you are going through.
I totally get you blaming yourself as I did too, but ive got to a place where i realise i did not in any of my parenting cause him to be an addict.
Its not a parents responsibility to see and act on any eventuality especially when he would have kept alot of it secret, how cld u possibly have known.
see if you can get some support for you externally lots of local drug and alcohol services offer support and counselling etc to families going through what we go through. just having an outlet to share what you are going through.
I had counselling through a local service which helped…yes it doesnt wave a magic wand but it will help with your own mental state.
ive also had alot of support through drugfam who have a hotline you can call to speak to someone.
also through those services you can find out about support for your son, although your son will have to reach the point he does want to engage first.
I was also terrified of my son and his unpredictable ways and ended up telling him to leave.
you have to have boundaries and even though we went through yrs of hell before i did so i do believe it has been the right decision.
my son has been clean so far for 3 mnths although still is unpredictable with his mood swings but we are getting somewhere.
just hold on in there and put your own mental state first when you can.
i wish i cld say more positive words and advice but seriously just remind yourself you did not create this problem you can offer solutions but until he wants to engage ……just put yourself first .
Take care
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Bump – so pleased to hear that your son is 3 months clean. Such a relief for you. I hope he’s proud of himself for this milestone im sure you and the rest of the family will be.
Spring is here and summer is round the corner, we have that to look forward to.
I hope your long covid is easing, I’m better than I was but not yet 100 %. Chest results are clear so no permanent damage thankfully.
I think and pray for us all here daily. Faith, hope and strength same as the AA mottos. Works for us too.
Take care ❤
Lx
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Yes, Bump22 I’m glad to hear about your son! 3 months is something! You’ve all been through so much- take the blessings as they come. A day at a time…
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I’m hoping I can get him to some kind of counselling. He kind of admits a lot then retracts it all and makes up another story. I am not sure if he will ever just tell the truth that’s what makes me think he can’t turn it around. I do need to sort myself as I’m suffering very badly at the moment. My poor husband puts up with my moods aswell and he’s going through the same thing. I pray you have more than another three good months … that’s a positive step forward for sure. I keep my fingers crossed for you all ❤️
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Your son sounds so like mine. I feel very alone with this. He’s not bad during the month but when he gets paid the whole lot goes in one night. He can’t afford to get to work this month he didn’t pay his rent. He has no food. He owes thousands I am so tired but I struggle to turn my back on him. I wish there was somewhere I could turn to for help but there’s no where. No one really wants to know about drug addicts. Everyone tells me not to pay his rent but where will he go. I can’t have him home here with me.
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Hi Asadmum- I agree with 68862 and Bump22. This is not your fault. It’s important to remember that. Many of us have other children besides our addict who are responsible and leading normal lives. If you start to blame yourself too much, it will take your resolve to allow them to suffer their own consequences. I know because I have done that. My son (and two daughters) lost their dad at a very young age ( he was 9, my daughters 6 and 4 ) and I overcompensated and tried to soften his life. Also, many kids do party a lot and a young age and just seem to outgrow it- not my son. And it sounds like you’re starting to see that with your son too.
68862 is so right. No money, loans or taking the consequences of his actions on yourself. I did too much of that too and I can tell you, it doesn’t work, it just delays the whole problem for years. You think they’ll be so appreciative of your help and they’ll get it together and they don’t.
This is so hard on a marriage, on other family members. I’m a big fan of counseling. If you could get him to go, that would be great, but if he doesn’t go, go yourself. Having an addicted family member takes you down hard.
You’re worth taking care of. You don’t give up on your son, we moms never do, but don’t make them your priority.
Hugs to you. ❤
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All of the stories I’ve heard from you on the forum have been incredibly difficult and resonate with our family too. I will try to place myself at the top of the pile as I cannot allow this to kill me off too, though some days it’s a struggle to get through the day without worrying what the hell is going off or what is going to happen. I can’t begin to tell you how invaluable all of your stories have been. May we all receive some peace and better times sooner rather than later ❤️
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Hi Bump22 well done to your son, you must be so proud. Your love and patience is being rewarded.
Get my second jab today thank goodness don’t want to go through covid again thank you very much!!
Our new grandson was a week old on Monday. Thank goodness for distractions as my son’s behaviour has consumed our life and finances too much in the last 3 years. Big love everyone ❤
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68862, just want to say congratulations on the birth of your little grandson! How lovely and what a lovely distraction from all your troubles.
I get my 2nd jag on Monday so I’m also relieved about that too as I’m still dealing with long covid symptoms after a year!
Hugs to all
Lx
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Bump22 – really good news about your son, you must be so relieved. It’s inspiring to hear your news, when things have been so difficult. I hope you’re sleeping better and that your family can enjoy just being normal.
68862 – that’s so lovely that you have a new grandchild, as you say, it’s good to have such a wonderful distraction. My lovely dog does that for me.
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Hi Jem, dogs are just wonderful creatures. Love them to bits ????❤
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I am so lucky to have my little dog. She had an operation last week but is really picking up now. She is also really good for my son and goes in to his room and makes him pay attention ????.
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68862- congratulations on your new little angel! My grandchildren have truly been a saving grace for me. Dogs are angels to us humans too!
I’m heading for a trip to see three of my grandchildren for a long weekend. I can’t wait- I haven’t seen them since last October! I plan to be very present and just soak up the love! ❤️
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Thanks everyone for the congratulations. It really has been a real blessing.
Good luck with the second jab Lindyloo. I feel ok so far ???????? one after effect from covid is my hair has been falling out. I don’t think it’s stress as my friend who had covid has the same problem. Have you been OK?
Have a lovely time with your grandchildren Februarymarie. The perfect way to spend a weekend.
Glad your little dog is making a good recovery Jem. It’s so sad when they’re not well.
Wishing everyone well and a peaceful few days ❤❤❤
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Thankfully my hair seems to be okay. Just fatigue and breathlessness when I over exert myself, which I avoid! Use inhalers daily too. At least we’re survivors!
Lx
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Yes we are the lucky ones xxx
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Thank you 68862! I hope you Covid ladies continue to heal. You don’t need another thing!
Peace and joy to all. ❤️❤️
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Thanks hun, have a nice day, going to bed now.
Lx
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Bump 22 – brilliant that your Son is doing well, long may it continue ????
68862 – congratulations on your Grandson, a wonderful joy.
Februarymarie – have a great weekend.
Hope everyone else is good, taking each day as it comes.
I have had my 2nd COVID jab, no side effects.
Take care everyone.
Dx
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Bump 22 – brilliant that your Son is doing well, long may it continue ????
68862 – congratulations on your Grandson, a wonderful joy.
Februarymarie – have a great weekend.
Hope everyone else is good, taking each day as it comes.
I have had my 2nd COVID jab, no side effects.
Take care everyone.
Dx
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So…..
After 5 long years of weed addiction my Son has decided he wants to start and get clean.
Deep down I’m over the moon. BUT I’ve been here so many times before, only to be let down.
He has found a new girlfriend and she seems to be the influence. He’s finished his degree, he comes straight from work whereas before he’d be out till all hours smoking and driving.
He asked me to mend our relationship, I said it would take time and I’m not willing to do this overnight because it’s what he wants. I’ve had so much pain and had got to the stage where I am putting myself first for my own wellbeing.
My husband is very different and wants to alway see the best in him, which I have done in the past and stopped once I came to terms that he was an addict.
I said to him not once have you ever stopped and realised what you have put me through.
He said tell me.
I was flabbergasted.
I said I’ve had 5 years of ‘THIS’ and you can’t see how you’ve behaved and the effect it’s had on this house?
I had to walk away.
So I wrote him a letter last sunday ,printed it off and gave it to him.
I said how hurt I was that our relationship had broken down, how I would have never believed a mother could not want a relationship with her child but I was that mother, How I’d cried, cried in his face and he laughed at me telling me weed is ok and it’s not addictive, lost sleep, lay awake worrying till i heard his car pull up, worried he’ll get caught and his future will be jeopardized, begged him to stop, spied on him to try and keep him safe – and he carried on smoking weed like cigarettes, driving while stoned, then occasionally ‘popping’ acid as he told his ex girlfriend.
I told him he had never once apologised for his behaviour and we had helped him with so much – I gave him an example of his dad repairing his car, paying for new tyres, exhausts and the minute his car was roadworthy he was off out till all hours smoking weed. no money to pay for the parts but £120 on weed.
I told him his friends weren’t friends and the only thing they had in common was smoking weed – I said look at them, what do you do with them? Nothing, you don’t socialise other than smoke weed in each others cars.
I admitted I had probably handled it wrong but had to be hard and cut ties as he was making me ill. I didn’t want it to be a witch hunt and all the blame on him.
He read it and told me I was deranged – this is after he said he wants to get clean and start afresh.
During this week he’s ‘towed’ the line. BUT he’s done this before with his last girlfriend he started smoking after a few weeks of being with her and then started the rollercoaster of him treating her like he did us – lying etc.
He wants us to meet his new girlfriend; he’s met her parents. We have decided to go for a meal with my daughter and her boyfriend this weekend.
I so want him to get clean and live a ‘Normal’ life but the deceit and hurt he’s caused makes my blood boil. I’m still angry and am waiting for him to go back to his old ways.
I should be pleased but he’s let me down so many times.
Let’s see how long it lasts.
Love to you all xxx
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Hi Mrs B my heart was breaking for you reading your post. I get exactly where you’re coming from the hurt is too much to bear sometimes. It’s the denial, the lack of gratitude for helping them all the time, making out It’s us that has the problem. And when you do help they don’t get why you’re so upset as they’re ok! I sincerely hope he means it this time and his new girlfriend has an influence over him to stop so you can get back to some sort of normality. I hope your meal goes well. Much love xx
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Thank you xx
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Mrs.B I feel like I cld have just written that in particular this morning when I was considering writing a letter to my son.
He has been clean for 3 mnths but still treats me like dirt.
I have nothing left and my nerves are shattered by him.
We let him stay a couple of nights ago and first thing in the morning he kicked off.
Despite that he has asked again if he can stay tonight..calling me first thing..I was I the middle of prepping for a interview today and because I didnt instantly say yes he kicked off again..and he wonders why I hesitate!
He maybe clean tan of drink and drugs but his personality and treatment to us as a family remains disgusting.
He thinks I’m a bad mum for not wanting to see him but the reality is he is only using us for free food and convenience of seeing his friends locally.
He never chats to us or soends quality time and his very presence in the house makes me I’ll.
I’m struggling and worn out with my long covid but of course he doesnt see that.
Of course I’m pleased he has come 3 mnths off substances but I’m still sad and distressed at his treatment to me in particular.
The years of stress and worry have taken its toll and I’m sorry but i cant cope with him anymore.
I’m constantly told love the addict and hate the addiction but what i see is even without the addiction he just is a very selfish and unpleasant person.
Sorry guys but it destroys me that all the worry and everything g we have gone through which has really pulled me down and made me a shadow of who i once was and he doesnt even appreciate it. Worse still treats us so badly.
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I am exactly the same -I should be jumping for joy but the pain of the past 5 years has taken it’s toll on my appearance, my health, my attitude and most of all my marriage.
Stay strong xxx
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Hi all, I’ve been reading the thread and totally sympathise with you all.
My son told me that the addiction desensitises them and they can’t see the destruction they cause.
I’ve often had the ‘so what’s wrong with you..conversation when inside you want to shout out…..IT’S YOU and your addiction that’s put us all through hell, got us walking on eggshells, scared to answer their calls cos you’re not sure what you’re gonna get.
You ladies and the others on this thread are my sisters going through the same nightmare, and we all understand the horrible cycle of addiction and what it does to a family.
I pray for us all daily and hope our boys can fight their battle with addiction. Our boys are still there, somewhere, occasionally we’ll get a glimmer of hope.
We have to try and concentrate on our own health and well-being more importantly. We need to celebrate any positives in our daily lives and vent here whenever we need a friendly word of support, advice or encouragement.
Keep the chins up ladies, me personally- the 2 of them lol.
I thank you all for your input and support here and keep you all in my prayers.
Sending hugs ❤️
Lx
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So…..
After 5 long years of weed addiction my Son has decided he wants to start and get clean.
Deep down I’m over the moon. BUT I’ve been here so many times before, only to be let down.
He has found a new girlfriend and she seems to be the influence. He’s finished his degree, he comes straight from work whereas before he’d be out till all hours smoking and driving.
He asked me to mend our relationship, I said it would take time and I’m not willing to do this overnight because it’s what he wants. I’ve had so much pain and had got to the stage where I am putting myself first for my own wellbeing.
My husband is very different and wants to alway see the best in him, which I have done in the past and stopped once I came to terms that he was an addict.
I said to him not once have you ever stopped and realised what you have put me through.
He said tell me.
I was flabbergasted.
I said I’ve had 5 years of ‘THIS’ and you can’t see how you’ve behaved and the effect it’s had on this house?
I had to walk away.
So I wrote him a letter last sunday ,printed it off and gave it to him.
I said how hurt I was that our relationship had broken down, how I would have never believed a mother could not want a relationship with her child but I was that mother, How I’d cried, cried in his face and he laughed at me telling me weed is ok and it’s not addictive, lost sleep, lay awake worrying till i heard his car pull up, worried he’ll get caught and his future will be jeopardized, begged him to stop, spied on him to try and keep him safe – and he carried on smoking weed like cigarettes, driving while stoned, then occasionally ‘popping’ acid as he told his ex girlfriend.
I told him he had never once apologised for his behaviour and we had helped him with so much – I gave him an example of his dad repairing his car, paying for new tyres, exhausts and the minute his car was roadworthy he was off out till all hours smoking weed. no money to pay for the parts but £120 on weed.
I told him his friends weren’t friends and the only thing they had in common was smoking weed – I said look at them, what do you do with them? Nothing, you don’t socialise other than smoke weed in each others cars.
I admitted I had probably handled it wrong but had to be hard and cut ties as he was making me ill. I didn’t want it to be a witch hunt and all the blame on him.
He read it and told me I was deranged – this is after he said he wants to get clean and start afresh.
During this week he’s ‘towed’ the line. BUT he’s done this before with his last girlfriend he started smoking after a few weeks of being with her and then started the rollercoaster of him treating her like he did us – lying etc.
He wants us to meet his new girlfriend; he’s met her parents. We have decided to go for a meal with my daughter and her boyfriend this weekend.
I so want him to get clean and live a ‘Normal’ life but the deceit and hurt he’s caused makes my blood boil. I’m still angry and am waiting for him to go back to his old ways.
I should be pleased but he’s let me down so many times.
Let’s see how long it lasts.
Love to you all xxx
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Hi Mrs B how are we still standing here? Your boy is no different to mine. Your words are no different to mine. We’ve had the promises of Quitting and how he doesn’t want this life but what have I found out today? Yes he used last Thursday, didn’t go to his girlfriend for the bank holiday weekend but stayed in his flat alone coming down from a coke hangover. We didn’t bring our boys into this world so they could gradually kill themselves with drugs. We protected them from all the dangers when they were growing up only for them to choose a world which is alien to us. I really want to cut all ties and not have anything to do with him. If it was someone else I would so why can’t I tell him it’s over, or not be his cash cow anymore. How much more do we take, can we take? I am absolutely gutted, the way his life has turned out and the affect it has had on all of us. Its like a bad dream ???? I hope your son sticks to it this time Mrs B, I really do. ❤
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I have racked my brains as to where we went wrong. the truth is …. nowhere. He has had everything and more.
The worst is he can’t see the hurt, pain and destruction he is causing.
Stay strong xxxxx
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68862- I don’t know how much we can take either. I don’t know about you all, but I have aged because of this and there’s no getting it back.
Sometimes I feel like I’m dying a slow death like he is and I’m embarrassed to say, that I have sometimes thought I’d be better off dead. Then the pain would end. But, I check myself and remember the good in my life and those who love me and I pull it together once more. I get you when you say you’re gutted.
As I mentioned recently, I went and saw my daughter and precious grandkids. It was so nice! I was looking at my sweet 12 year old grandson and it made me think of my own son and all the hopes I had for him- gone. I just cried to myself and thought ‘ how did we get here?’. When you have nightmares, you wake up and think thank God that was a dream! Now I wake up and am sick that this is real.
Truth is, we can’t take it forever- we’ll get sick. So we must learn to slowly take care of ourselves and I must learn to find a new way of living where his life doesn’t consume mine. I’m mad at him for making me have to do this. To live a life where he may not be in it. I can’t even imagine it and yet, it’s already pretty much true.
On good days, I say that I’m done and I can do this and be strong and just let him go and then I start to miss him. It’s a mess.
Blessings you all my UK friends. ❤️
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Februarymarie, exactly. We try to.leave them to get on and mess their lives up but the love overrides our determination to let them go. If he wasn’t the father of our beautiful first grandson then I think I could maybe disown him but I worry so much about this poor innocent soul having to grow up with a dad like him. Cocaine has made him so selfish that he can never indulge his boy. I’m in a dilemma now about telling his ex he is still using. I want him to suffer so he trys to get better but his son adores him and he adores his son and I’m frightened of breaking that bond. You are right though, it is slowly killing us as parents, my husband especially. I was always the strong one but not any more. We need to take drastic action before it’s too late. I’m so glad you had some precious time with your grandchildren, a welcome distraction for you. My daughter, son in law and 3 week old grandson came for dinner yesterday. It was lovely and sad all at the same time because of my son. Take care my friend ❤
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Hi all
There’s isn’t a day goes by when I don’t think and pray for us all on this thread.
Stay strong my sisters ❤, please find time for yourselves and take pleasure in the little things.
Sending virtual hugs to all,
Lxx
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Thank you for your prayers. xxx
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Hi Everyone
We are all strong women and need to take control and look after ourselves, and enjoy our lives.
Selfish – yes.
But why not?
Our sons will continue to behave in this way as long as they are addicts and we will continue to waste our lives and become more depressed, tired, ill.
I am currently having counselling and the common thread is look after yourself and cut ties for your own self worth and wellbeing.
I realised a long time ago I had to do this, and cut ties with my son. I realised he wasn’t the son I once knew and loved. He is now a drug addict, selfish and puts this first over everything.
I guess I needed a ‘professional’ to tell me it was ok to do this.
All that we have done for him as parents means nothing and is thrown in our face whenever it’s questioned as to why he’s ended up here.
He still lives with us. has just finished his degree by the skin of his teeth – he started his dissertation 2 days before it was due!
He works part time and is constantly overdrawn, however his student bank account will now cease and he will be charged for his overdraft.
My husband still sees the good in him, but I’ve explained this is our 5th year but I hid it from him for 2!!
I cannot get over the pain, hurt and anguish he has caused me.
I have blocked him on all social media, whatsapp and texts/calls. I unblock texts if my husband is working away just in case he needs to call should he get into trouble.
He now has a new girlfriend who is oblivious to it all – he sees her, they do nice things, he drops her home and then goes to meet his friends , smoke weed , drie home , gets back early hours.
He got in at 3.30am, as I write this it’s 12.10pm. He’s still in bed and has work at 3.
He’ll get up, eat, shower , got to work till 11pm, smoke after work till the early hours – repeat either going out mid afternoon to meet his friends or work.
The circle of his life.
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He finished his degree, that’s brilliant in a bitter sweet way. I think blocking him is the only way and something I have contemplated but because of my grandson I’m torn. The sleeping does our head in! His ‘coke’ hangovers can last for days and have been worse during lockdown as he hasn’t had to go into work. X
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Hello ladies-
68862, that is a terrible dilemma to have. I really don’t know what I would do in your situation with your grandson. I wouldn’t want to break that bond either and yet, there is a child to protect. I will pray for you, not an easy situation. The power of the addiction is so strong. They won’t stop for us mothers or families, but to think they won’t stop for their own children just blows my mind!
Lindyloo- thank you for your constant prayers and kind words. I will take any and all prayers! God has given us each other and I’m so grateful. ????
MrsB247- it really is a good thing that he at least finished his degree even if it was by the skin of his teeth. There’s at least something in him that knows he needed it. Even if he did it for you and his dad, he still did it. It could be there’s a chance with him, he’s still young and at least you have the leverage of telling him to move out if he’s not doing what he’s supposed to be doing. Still, you can’t wait until then until then to take care of yourself. I wish I would have done counseling sooner. It would have given me the strength to make him deal with the consequences of his drinking sooner. Who knows?
Update for me: you may recall that my son went to the hospital to detox around April 10th. We’ve only spoken by text since he’s been home. He says he’s been sober and recovering since then. I texted him a few days ago. He said that he’s still depressed, but that he’s been feeling more like himself. He asked if I would like to get together soon, but said he would understand if I didn’t want to. He said he wouldn’t be mean or strange. I said, let’s check in next week. I will be so nervous to see him. There’s just been so much damage done to me this last relapse. I’m sure it will be very awkward. I will make sure it’s in a public place. I’ll keep you all posted. He somehow managed to get in to a class this summer so I guess that keeps the loans going. It’s a daily class so hopefully it will make him stay on the straight and narrow. Really it just prolongs the inevitable.
I’m proud of myself because I have been able to focus still on my life, and not obsess over his daily status. I’ve been through this so many times, that I no longer think that this time he’ll finally stop for good. Of course I always hope, but I’m working hard on just living my life and not rushing back to get back in his which I used to always do.
Blessings my UK friends! ❤❤❤
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Keeping everything crossed that it goes well with your son when you meet up. It does sound quite positive tbh but as you’ve said you suffered when he last relapsed so understandably you’re worried and you’ve come so far in your self healing x
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hi ladies sorry for the delay to replying to the recent posts.
So sorry of the pain you are going through.
So to all tense and purposes I should be feeling better than I am about my sons situation. He is now 3 mnths clean and I am very proud of him for that and have made sure to tell him so, however he still treats me and his stepdad with such disresepect and unkindness especially if we say no to anything.
We lent him £50 at the beginning of the week and was promised that the next day he wld be able to access some money hed saved t opay us back……guess what…… yes
..have now been told it wont be until his next UC payment in a mnths time as he has spent his money.
So depsite being clean some of the issues still continue.
Where he is staying as part of a programme only lets them out at the weekend i told him last week we would not be arounfd this weekend. Today he calls and kicks off when i say he cant stay, the problem is he has history of breaking stuff, leaving stuff unattended in the oven, not locking up and leaving fridege and freezer doors open and so my husband dont want to go away and be on edge.
He has said that i am controlling and always try t control him….It upsets me that us having boundaries like saying no or not letting him live here when he was taking drugs or not always giving in to his demands is seen as controlling.
in fact we feel controlled by him, knowing if we say no to anything that he kicks off.
But i feel upset that where he stays hes actually telling the staff that I am controlling when all we are doing is trying to as much as possible stand up to him.
Does anyone else have this?
I feel so bad that we are now at a place where it looks like he is starting to turn things around and has been off substances the longest in a few years and i should feel happy and relaxed especially as so many of you are still having loved ones abuse their substances but still I have this stress and unpleasantness from him.
IHe makes me feel like the worst mum but yet I cant have him here every weekend as he always starts conflict and it will ruin evryone of my weekends if we allow him to.
Am i being unreasonable hes 22 yrs old?
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Hi Bump they can certainly make us feel like we’re the worst mum ever and you are not. The hate, abuse, vileness that comes out of their mouth is incredible. They don’t realise the hurt they inflict. But he is 3 mths clean and if he can keep it up hopefully the realisation of what he’s put you through will surface. X
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Hi Bump,
I have felt like this so many times. At the moment my son is using a little bit, but his behaviour is not too bad. There have been times when he has been off drugs and he has been horrible and made us feel responsible for everything, and if we dare say ‘no’ we get the full force of his frustration. 3 months is still very early days and your son is coming back into the real world and having to deal with reality again. He probably genuinely feels horrible, but that’s not your fault.
I was told that it takes months for addicted brains to settle down and normalise. They also probably feel that they deserve to be given the world because they are not using at the moment.
It’s great that you are in a better position than you were when your son was on the streets, I honestly don’t know how you got through that. You need to prioritise your family and recharge your own batteries. Its hard but try not to feel guilty, you didn’t encourage him to take the drugs. We have to be there for them when we can but also live our own lives.
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Thanks jem.
Sometimes you need to hear from someone else that your doing the right thing.
It just feels relentless…I think like his brain adjusting to the real world it will take time for me to stop being so stressed and on such high alert all the time.
As soon as he even suggests coming g to stay I feel so stressed.
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Hi Bump
Their brains must be so busy with all the ups and downs of addiction.
Please try not to dwell too much on what he might be doing. The anxiety of it all is exhausting for us.
Take time for yourself Bump and as Jem said charge your batteries.
I hope your Long Covid is better.
Sending hugs ❤️
Lx
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I used to feel guilty last summer posting on this thread because my son was clean, but life was still hard and I was really unhappy. You have the continuing stress of, will he stay clean, will this be okay, and you feel you are jumping through hoops to help them achieve it. I don’t blame them for feeling grumpy, but maybe we have to be realistic about how hard this is on us, its just a relentless slog.
I am leaving work early, going for a bike ride and a meal at the pub, and trying to take it all one day at a time.
I hope you have a lovely weekend, make the most of it, you deserve it!!!!
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Hi Jem, i can totally relate to what you said. When my son was clean I felt guilty that he was doing well. But I think you are constantly looking over your shoulder waiting for the next tragedy to unfold!
It’s good to share positive news too as it gives us all hope.
Enjoy your bike ride and pub meal, take pleasure in the little things.
Have a good weekend all.
Sending hugs ❤️
Lx
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I used to feel guilty last summer posting on this thread because my son was clean, but life was still hard and I was really unhappy. You have the continuing stress of, will he stay clean, will this be okay, and you feel you are jumping through hoops to help them achieve it. I don’t blame them for feeling grumpy, but maybe we have to be realistic about how hard this is on us, its just a relentless slog.
I am leaving work early, going for a bike ride and a meal at the pub, and trying to take it all one day at a time.
I hope you have a lovely weekend, make the most of it, you deserve it!!!!
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I can totally relate to this. I could have written it. We have had a really bad weekend with my son. He works. Mind you I have to pay to get him there. The minute his money hits his account it’s gone. He is now under threat of eviction. I am worried sick. Everyone says let it happen he’s got to take responsibility but dear god it’s hard I’m crying now my life should be good but it’s not
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I’m so sorry Kate1. You’re not alone. You have friends here. The stress of all this is just too much.
It’s easier said than done to let them face their consequences, but it’s probably the only way that they’ll even think about changing.
Take care of yourself and gain strength from the others on here who understand your pain. Together, we can get through it.❤
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Thank you. Even now he’s saying he’s not addicted. His wages disappear in one night but he doesn’t pay to get to work pay his bills buy food. The money just goes. So if he’s not addicted where does it go. I feel exhausted
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I struggle to watch him lose his home and job. His addiction seems to consume me. It’s mental torture to see your son or daughter struggle like this. I want to do the right thing I don’t want to regret things
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Lindy – I hope that your son is still doing well and that you are doing better with Long Covid.
Kate – not knowing what they are doing, and having to second guess whether or not they are using is exhausting. It takes over your life. I hope that your son doesn’t get evicted and is able to hold down his job. At least that gives him a bit of structure.
Februarymarie – I hope that things are better for you.
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Do you think it’s important for them to have structure I keep being told walk away let him lose everything. I see where that comes from but surely they would possibly just give up. What do you think.
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Thanks jem and lindyloo long covid is up and down but mostly going in the right direction.
Still get very worn out and breathless.
Kate my son thinks I’m the worst ever but he did lose everything in a way he never even got a job dropped out of uni was on the streets at one point and then beaten up..hard but I do think getting to that low point has meant he has been clean for 3 mnths. So in answer to ypur question u certainly think that having g structure is good in one way but when his addiction makes him lose it that maybe the point he realises he has to stop?
Who knows but either way it is torture for us.
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It is torture it’s breaking my heart do you think losing everything has been the turning point for your son
If I thought it would help him I could do it but it’s the thought of him on the street. I really struggle with it
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Kate – as you’ve said, and we’ve all found out, there is very little support out there for families going through this. There are a few charities offering support. The one that fir me has been the most helpful is Drugfam. They have a helpline which I’ve called about 5 times over the last few years. I’ve been lucky and have spoken to people that have gone through all of this and it has helped a lot when I’ve been feeling desperate and alone. Give them a try. I have spoken to other organisations, I think this is probably the most helpful.
We are all here for you, the love and support on this thread is a God send. I’m not sure where I’d be without those kind words from people struggling in the same way. It breaks my heart to read your posts, another mum, yet another son. Please take care of yourself.
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Kate – as you’ve said, and we’ve all found out, there is very little support out there for families going through this. There are a few charities offering support. The one that fir me has been the most helpful is Drugfam. They have a helpline which I’ve called about 5 times over the last few years. I’ve been lucky and have spoken to people that have gone through all of this and it has helped a lot when I’ve been feeling desperate and alone. Give them a try. I have spoken to other organisations, I think this is probably the most helpful.
We are all here for you, the love and support on this thread is a God send. I’m not sure where I’d be without those kind words from people struggling in the same way. It breaks my heart to read your posts, another mum, yet another son. Please take care of yourself.
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I have discovered Drugfam yes it is useful but they advocate tough love I struggle with that.
I need to hear that there is a way through this. Is seeing them on the streets the only way apparently it is. I just hate it
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I’ve done everything to avoid that as well. But setting boundaries at home is hard. The problem is his to solve unfortunately but I really try and keep communication open. I make time when he wants to talk but realise it’s not going to be me that makes it better, I can only support. I was told early on, they won’t do it for their parents which is very true. You have to do the things that will help to keep you strong. Lockdown was tough because we were all shut in with the problem. Try and step out of it to get perspective, even if it’s just going for a walk.
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I am trying to get it in perspective. What will be will be now. No he won’t do it for me I know that it’s got to be him want it. I’ll go out later with the dog but it’s constantly on my mind I need to stop that. Does your son live with you. I can’t and don’t want him back with me
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Hi Kate1- I’m so sorry for your pain. It’s so consuming and it’s not fair to you.
Have you considered a counselor or therapist if it’s possible for you? It helps so much to have someone who hears you and helps you get perspective on the craziness of this life with an addict. We are moms and just do the things that we always did and we don’t even realize that we’re actually enabling them to keep going with their addiction. I know I did and my counselor helped me to see it.
I also did a lot of research online about enabling an addict- I was guilty of many of them and I will tell you it just prolongs the misery. I wasn’t great at the tough love in the beginning either, but I eventually got there because I had to.
Maybe you’re not ready to cut him off completely, but perhaps you could start in small phases. Maybe you could tell him that if he has the money to pay for his partying, then he can pay for his own transportation to work and that you’re not going to pay for it anymore. If he tells you that he’ll lose his job, then that’s on him. He’s taking advantage of you, they all do because they’re addicts and are selfish because of it.
Stay as strong as you can, and take care of yourself as best as you can. You don’t deserve this, it’s not your or your husband’s fault. Hugs ❤
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Thank you. I picked him up from work today as I wanted to speak to him. I basically offered him a way out a compromise I could pay this months rent in return I stay at his when he gets paid and for that night I take his phone. No way was he going to let me have that phone he got really obnoxious. Did a drug test when he got in he says he last did Coke last Saturday he was very clearly positive. I have taken his cat in because he says “it pisses on my bed and my clothes”. Did I get thanks no not at all. I think by his attitude I can conclude he is still very much taking drugs. I do need to back off. Oh he wants me to pay his rent but I see no gratitude just rudeness and ignorance. By the way I’m on my own my ex is useless basically doesn’t want to know x
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Hi Kate we’ve done exactly the same. He owes us to the tune of a 6 figure sum. Our fault entirely for being so stupid to believe the promises and lies. Rent, MOT, grocery, prescriptions, credit cards, loans all with the promise he doesn’t want this life and will pay us back. We have had the odd repayment but that’s just to keep us sweet. We won’t see any of it so I’m contemplating reflecting this in our will. We get thanks when we hand over the money but there’s no remorse. We worry like mad and my husband has suffered so much with his mental health. He’s had counselling before but I’m trying to get him to have more. Hang on in there but like everyone else on here will tell you it’s thd hardest thing seeing your son become an addict and having to deal with it. Nobody knows until it happens to them. X
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I’m sorry you’re on your own with this. Really I am too. I’m married but my spouse is not his father (he died when he was a child). My husband is very supportive of me, but he easily puts him out of his mind and doesn’t feel all these things like I do.
Your situation sounds familiar. They get nasty when they don’t get what they want- my son has done that many times. I had to stop giving him money years ago.
Good for for seeing that you have to start setting some boundaries with him! It’s the only way to help yourself.
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Hey everyone sorry not responded this week, had to get my husband away before he lost the plot completely. After finding out last Sunday he’d used again despite the promises, he couldn’t deal with it.
Kate1 regarding the phone. My son refused to hand it over too or delete his contacts saying he might as well delete all his contacts
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Their promises mean nothing. I don’t even know why I tolerate his rudeness when all I do is try to help. My son has changed his number but there is someone who he talks to constantly. He says it’s a friend. He’s lost all his friends so god knows who it is
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My son has no friends anymore blaming them for not sticking by him when his marriage broke down. It was because of his intolerable behaviour using coke but he won’t accept that. The way he speaks is disgusting and a lot of dad’s would have put one on him by now but we chose to standby him. Sometimes tough love is the only way.
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Kate – I’m sorry you’re on your own with this. It may be worth trying to find a local family support group that you can talk to as well as posting here. I may have missed a post but am not sure what substance your son is addicted to, and you don’t have to say . My son is using heroin – so hard to stay off. There are others on this thread with sons having problems with street valium, which my son also dabbled with and turns them into zombies – terrifying, and coke being the most common and weed . My son has adhd and lots of issues with his dad, who just can’t connect with him. There is a book called something like In The Realm of Hungary Ghosts that says there is usually something unresolved in the life of an addict that they are trying to numb against. There also seems to be a strong correlation with incidents of adhd. Maybe at the moment your son is not very responsive to getting clean but are you able to talk about other things in his life that might be having a negative impact? Only you know your situation and what might help. I have found getting my son to talk about the things that bother him and trying to really empathise does seem to help. It’s hard to do when they are busy messing up their life and yours.
We are all here for you x
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My son is on coke. More recently alcohol and steroids as well. For the first time I turned my phone off tonight. I listened to enough tonight to see he isn’t going to change maybe he needs to make these choices
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Kate – sometimes you have to switch off to stay sane. He’s going to be talking a lot of rubbish and be looking for someone to blame. I hope that he wakes up to himself. It’s horrible. I read somewhere that most of them get through and get clean eventually, and I hold on to that hope x
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Kate I’ve also blocked my son he rang to ask for money.
Its so hard
He is clean and i know he isnt using as he has to be clean to stay where he is living. The money is just him unable to budget and seeing g is as the people to constantly help him.
I told him that I am hurt by the way he only calls for money or help and kicks off for when we say no. He said he feels resentful to me for kicking him out. When u tried to explain that his behaviour caused us to make those decisions he wont accept it I have now blocked him again.
The stress has put so Much pressure on my marriage not that i can totally blame my son. This weekend I’ve felt pretty low. I think the adrenaline of the chaos of the last few yrs has kicked in..hes now off drugs and drunk but his personality remains quite nasty and that I am finding difficult ..I guess i hoped and dreamed off drugs it wld be nice calm and I’d have the perfect son ..how naive of me.
Weve come back from a weekend away early god knows if my marriage will survive!
Kate if u need to switch him off u have to to look after yourself.
I honestly feel now at the end of my tether.
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Hi All,
We’ve had one of those days today. To be honest I am fed up to the back teeth of stepping on egg shells in my own house. My Husband is no longer here, has been gone now for 2 years, I wouldn’t blame it all on my Son, but I really don’t think it helped.
We can go along for weeks, both going to work, him cooking some nights, me on others, and then suddenly he changes, and you never know when this is going to happen.
Today everything is my fault, he’s only trying to get sober and clean for me, not anyone else, hates living here with me, and on it goes. When I say he is free to leave, that’s wrong as well, I don’t care!! It is as you know very wearing and today I could throw the towel in and say live your best life, but I’m not having a life that I had before, no way.
Tomorrow of course is a new day, let’s hope a good mood comes with it.
He’s just come downstairs and apologised, same shite, different day.
Sorry for the rant ladies, but I know it’s so hard for all of us and hopefully one day it will all change ????
Take care everyone.
Dx
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We took his cat for rehoming today. It’s not fair on it to be stuck with him at work and who knows how much longer he will have his home. His attitude was different today maybe he’s thought about what I said yesterday. Anyway he agreed to everything I asked him to do. In return if I can help him keep his home I will. It depends what housing says tomorrow. I have told him if I do and he lets me down again I will need to walk away. This time I have to mean it. I am so tired of the stress I am disappointed that your son is nasty even though he has stopped taking drugs. I long to just see my son happy and good natured. Maybe that will happen who knows
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Hi Bump, i feel so sad for you and your family. You really don’t deserve this..I guess none of us do though. You sound like such a nice person, but a body can only take so much pressure and anxiety.
You are definitely doing the right thing in taking a step back.
I can bear thinking about what you’ve been through, in having to put your son out the house. I don’t know how I would have coped.
Take the advice you offer to others, find time for yourself, be kind to yourself.
This covid and long covid is compounding things too Bump. Problems are harder to deal with when you’re not 100%.
Sending hugs ❤️
Lx
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Debt kate1…its like we are all living the same life in some way or another.
I have come to bed early. I dont sleep most nights but if i come and pull the duvet over my head I hope to block it all out.
I was staring at a picture of a family holiday shot on mybhusbands side of the bed years ago when my eldest was my now youngest age….I dont recognize the woman I was ..happy wrinkle free and no idea what was ahead. I don’t feel the same person. Makes me feel sad.
Anyway as has been said tommorow is another day…I hold strong that tommorow is going to feel better.
Good night ladies and hope u all sleep and have good days tommorow.
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I’m in bed as well. I hate waking early suddenly remembering things and my stomach knotting up. I hope and pray there will be an end to this nightmare for all of us
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Kate1 and Debc
I just saw your posts there. As I said to Bump, you sound like lovely kind mums. So frustrating when you try your hardest and get treated so badly.
I’m just ticking along. My son was clean 3 or 4 weeks ago, going to meetings etc., but sadly the tell tale signs not answering my texts or messages tells a tale. I’m sure he’ll have lapsed again and its just a matter of time where he’ll be wanting food and cigs until next paid day. He’s so predictable, I guess it could be 100 times worse. It’s just when he starts..there’s no off switch and I worry about his work. Thankfully he’s still “working from home ” …..some of the time I think. And the cycle begins again…
Its exhausting treading on eggshells not to upset him, in case he’ll use us as excuse to use.
We just have to be strong and look after ourselves in the meantime.
I’m thankful I can offload here as my family aren’t aware of my son’s addictions.
Goodnight and God bless ????
Lx
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Lindy – I’m really sorry, I know that silence before the phone calls asking for money and you’re just left waiting for them to tell you what you already know. I hope that your son gets back to going to meetings soon, he’s done so well.
Bump – sorry things are so tough, I hope you managed to have some time out this weekend.
When things are bad I find facing the stresses of work hard. I struggle to focus and I’m sure colleagues think I’m only half there.
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Hi Jem,
About work, strangely its a welcome distraction for me. But I’m part time so its not so bad.
There’s time when it’s hard to hold things together though.
Yes, hopefully he’ll get on track, all our lads.
Stay strong Jem
Sending hugs ❤️
Lx
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I have a job that needs my concentration it’s difficult sometimes though last week when things were bad with him I was really busy work wise and it actually helped me forget him for a while although I could see on zoom I looked a wreck. I didn’t sign up for this misery I have told him if I help him this last time it will be the last time I have to walk away.
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My heart is hurting for all of you! It’s just so unfair. You’re supposed to raise your kids which is hard enough at times, and then have the reward of them living a decent life. Not this nightmare.
Jem it’s tough with the job. My job has a strong sales aspect to it, and I’m supposed to present a together and upbeat image. It used to be doable, but has been harder these last few years to fake it. To fake it is tiring too.
I get that hiding under the covers thing, just trying to find some kind of escape.
This I know, none of us deserves this burden in life or to be treated poorly. Unfortunately, my counselor had told me that this is their addicted brain. Sadly, this brain dysfunction continues for months even after they’re sober. I’m sure it’s hell for the addict, but I still think about those addicts who make the tough decision, both mentally and physically to stop and that means it can be done and I tell my son that. He likes to play that he’s the victim, he was born this way. But then based on that, aren’t all of their brains predisposed to addiction and yet many people stop.
Lindyloo, I’m sorry you’re starting to see the signs again – it’s gut wrenching.
My sister just told me about a good friend of hers who has a brother in his 50’s who’s an alcoholic. This friend of my sister’s no longer knows where his brother is and assumes he’s on the streets. This friend is very wealthy, so it’s not the money that could save him. No amount of money could if his brother won’t seek help. There are 9 kids in their family and eventually they all cut him off.
Together, we can hold each other up and give each other the strength to carry on and do what’s right for our lives.
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I ended up paying his rent. He was ill last night breathless palpitations hot. He’s not eating I called 111 who called ambulance ten hour wait so they asked me to take him hospital. He wouldn’t go I spent all night on his sofa still wouldn’t go this morning. I called dr. Receptionist said take him hospital. He wouldn’t go he ended up telling me to F off. He seems fine now but I’ve told him I can’t afford to get him to work for the next two weeks. He says how am I getting there then like it’s my fault. I really need support with this. I begin to doubt myself when he says he hasn’t got a problem. So where is all is money going as soon as he gets paid. So I’ve paid his rent and now wish I hadn’t bothered
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Hi Kate1,
So sorry to read this, I know Addiction is an illness but sometimes you feel like shaking them and hoping that they wake up in to the real world.
Like you I used to take my Son to work, well, I used to pick him up from his then girlfriend to make sure he came home to go to work, but no offer of petrol money or much thanks, and no money after he had got paid.
It is different now, he has his own van, and works hard, but still struggles as I posted at the weekend.
I know it’s hard, but I think you need to take a step back, just for your own mental health, it is very wearing.
Until he admits he has a problem and you stop enabling him, it’s going to carry on, I don’t mean to be harsh, but I used to do exactly the same, and it was just taken for granted many, many times.
Take some time for yourself, I’m not very good at doing this, but do try and switch off, I think it helps.
Keep sharing on here, we are all here to help and chat.
Take care.
Dx
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Thank you I just find it so hard to stand by and watch him lose his job and home. Maybe it is the way forward though maybe I have to see him fall and try to pull himself back up. I said to him I’m not seeing anything that tells me you are trying to engage with anyone to help you he point blank said he’s not going to and I won’t make him
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Hi Kate I’m so sorry you’re going through this. We do what we do because we love them but like so many have said tough love is sometimes the only answer. We sacrifice our own wellbeing in the fight to help them beat their addiction without a flicker of thanks or remorse on their part. You’d think how bad your son was it would make him wake up but it doesn’t. Every addict has a different threshold I guess and it’s not until that light bulb moment happens will they stop.
I am so grateful for this thread when times are tough, you’re not alone. Keep strong and even though it’s hard put yourself first once in awhile. Xx
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I don’t think he will find his bottom level he’s just text me he won’t be blackmailed into not living the way he wants to because I won’t give him money to get to work till I see some effort on his part. Nothing I can do
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And there it is the devil’s response. Try not to give in even though it will be hard. I wonder one day if they will ever look back and reflect on what they have put us through. ???? x
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I think that’s the first time he’s really more or less told me this is how he wants to be and nothing I or anyone else can do will change it. Sort of puts a different slant on things slightly. If he ever does get clean I don’t doubt he will be ashamed of how he has treated me and his ex
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Awful kate that you couldnt get an ambulance, i had that when i had covid.
i dont know what to suggest this really is miserable for you. I think and i know this is the hard bit is tough love.
he needs to see that his habit has consequences and all the while u bail him out he wont change.
That said my son is currently clean but still thinks its none of his fault and everyone elses and constantly asking for money has no job.
I really did produce a lazy idiot sadly.
can u get some counselling through local drug services? i had some which helped for me to offload and i also call drugfam too.
Just offloading to a sympathetic ear can help a little bit.
thinking of you.
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Debc is right Kate. It feels harsh but helping him too much just prolongs it. My counselor would tell you that he has no reason to change because you’re taking care of everything.
I have also in the past helped my son try to wean. Watching him sweat and shake and throw up and even providing him the beer to help him wean! It seemed like a loving thing to do but after it’s all over, I was completely wiped out and then he went back to drinking within a week or so at the time.
I started to realize that I just happened to be there at that terrible withdrawal moment with him and I felt like I was saving him and the truth is, his withdrawals certainly happen all the time and I don’t need the stress of being there. Now when he’s going through it, I urge him to go to the hospital. I worry if he doesn’t, he’s going to have a seizure and hit his head and no one will know. But can I change any of that? No! So that’s what they call distancing with love in AA. You always love them, but you try and protect your heart, emotions and physical well-being.
This is the awful part of the addiction. We can do nothing, it’s on them.
What I’ve learned is that they don’t change, so you must. Be prepared for him to turn mean when you do. He doesn’t want things to change because it’s working just fine for him. But it’s not working for you!
You have support here, you’re not alone. ❤️❤️❤️
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Thank you that sound very familiar. He is making me ill I need to take a step back I’m overloaded at work and overloaded with him. I’m taking this week off I need some peace and time to get my head together. It just breaks my heart is it to much to ask to have your son lead a normal life I don’t expect much from him but even that’s to much. He is getting angry cos he thinks I’m trying to force him to get help.
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He will continue to make u ill if u dont step back and allow him to face the consequences.
Watching my son kicked put and then ruin his accommodation and end up on the steeets was the hardest thing ever but i do know if I’d allowed him to stay hed still be doing it now.
Have a week with the phone blocked or at least set yourself a boundary that you will only speak to him once in the week. Really switch off.
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He will continue to make u ill if u dont step back and allow him to face the consequences.
Watching my son kicked put and then ruin his accommodation and end up on the steeets was the hardest thing ever but i do know if I’d allowed him to stay hed still be doing it now.
Have a week with the phone blocked or at least set yourself a boundary that you will only speak to him once in the week. Really switch off.
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Yes I need to I am very stressed. I’m taking this week off I need to switch off totally from this but it’s very hard
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Bump22 is right and she knows. She had to do the hardest thing ever and the one we ALL fear is that they’ll be on the streets- you’re so amazing Bump22!
Take this time to rest and regroup and decide how you want to go forward. Hugs to you!
Peace to all my UK friends! ❤️
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So as you know we got away last Monday for some respite after finding out on Sunday he’d used again on the previous Thursday. It did us the world of good with virtually no contact except to speak to our grandson via facetime. We came home Saturday evening dreading what we were coming home too. On Sunday morning I had a call to say he was picking his son up, dropping him to me then going back to his flat to sleep. Immediately alarm bells rang and when he dropped his boy off I looked at him and he shook his head. At 4pm I rang him to tell him to get up, he said he’d be up at 5. He came in sat down burst into tears and said he needs help. He’d used the previous day and most of the days he didn’t have his son. He asked if he could stay with us for this week as he’s on holiday which we agreed to. He owed money to dealers, asked his landlord for an extension on his rent and was feeling pretty crap. After a long sensible chat he’s promised to get help again. He’s putting his car up for sale to raise some money, it’s too expensive to run anyway which we told him when he bought it! I took his necklace and bracelet and sold it for a pittance, he’s selling his mac book and a phone to raise money. We told him categorically we would not give him any money. His girlfriend has agreed to see him today to chat, she must be mad. I’m just hoping and praying once again that he sticks to his promise. He keeps saying he means it this time but we’ve been here so many times before. I told him that this is it now. No more. His dad’s anxiety is through the roof. If I can see he is seeking help I’ll be a bit more convinced. Anyway that’s how it is atm my friends. God gives us strength.
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Heartbreaking at least he has stuff to sell bless him. It sounds like he recognises what’s happening and wants help. That’s a start isn’t it. It’s upsetting to watch them lose everything My son has nothing left. Just lots of debt That upsets me he has a good job but the money disappears the same night he gets paid he doesn’t pay any bills but the money goes
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We have been here many times before but I think this is the first time he’s realised we won’t be there the next time. When the house sold and he and his ex split the money 80% of his proceeds went on clearing debts snd paying people off. At 33 he has nothing. At 33 I was married with 2 kids owned a house and we both worked our wotsits off. He can’t even afford to take his son out for the day which upsets me. We went without to give our kids the best life. He has just become so selfish. But as I said I live in hope this might be a turning point. X
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That sound familiar. Yes I worked hard have never really been indebt apart from mortgage usual stuff. My son can’t afford to take his little girl out
When you say you won’t be there next time do you mean you have told him that. I feel I have reached my limit with all this, my life is becoming as chaotic as his
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Yes we have seriously had enough now. We knew he gambled and he drunk a lot from the age of 18 but only found out about the coke 3 years ago when his marriage broke down. He’s told us that the gambling, drinking and smoking masked the coke. He’s given up all of the latter for over a year now and is self excluded from a lot of bookies and online sites. So yes we’ve had more than enough now, that’s it. If he doesn’t make it work this time he could lose a lot more than his family xx
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68862- I hope your son will finally see the light. He’s at least seeing that he needs help- that’s something to go on. Praying for you…. ❤
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Thank you. I hope so this time. I pray for all our boys that one day they’ll see the light xx????
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Kate I really feel for you, but even my son says that they can’t be helped while they are busy ‘burning the house down.’ I’ve had to walk away when he has been in that mindset. It’s easier when they live in another city, very hard if they are close to where you live. At the moment my son is using but I control the cash so it’s limited. Not ideal but he’s waiting for treatment.
68862 – I really hope your son turns a corner, you and your husband have really been through it.
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Thank you Jem. ????xx
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Hi all, I’ve been reading your posts, feeling a bit down tonight.
I phoned drugfam earlier regarding my son. They pretty much said what Bump has said and February Marie said too. Time to step back some, let go a bit, think of our own health etc.
I was right in guessing that my son had relapsed again. He has no money left and it’s only 8th of month! He wanted me to bring him beer to help taper off as he had the shakes. He looked rough but managed to eat something.
He said he was close to phoning an ambulance at weekend.
I feel I can talk to you guys here as most of you have been there too and worse.
The drugfam guy said to read a book called ” Mum can you lend me £20?” I’ve heard it mentioned on the forum before.
Thinking and praying for us all and our boys.
Lx ????
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I’m so sorry LindyLoo. Again we get our hopes up and they’re dashed. Please stay strong. Thinking of you and praying a miracle happens. ????❤
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Thanks 68862
I’m all cried out, I must be hardening up to it.
Yes, we’ll all keep praying for a miracle ????
Lx
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Hi Lindyloo,
Sorry to hear about your Son, I know how you are feeling, and it’s so very hard for us to understand why they can get so far and then it all goes wrong again. It’s so disappointing and very frustrating for us, and I know when my Son has relapsed he gets angry towards me, but really he is angry for what he has done and has to go back to day 1 again.
I have heard of that book, but have not read it. I have read The Unconscious Kid by Paul Hannaford, it’s his story about his life being addicted, it’s a very harsh read but very good, and now he delivers his story to schools, football clubs etc, warning others about addiction.
It is great to be able to come on Adfam and share our stories.
Take care Lindyloo.
Dx
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Thanks Debc, yes it’s very frustrating. I just worry that he’ll drink until he’s unconscious and maybe lies for days.
He never gave us a spare key and he lives alone. He’s drinking way too much and using too. Such a worry, I feel so helpless, I wasn’t sure i did the right thing taking him some beer.
Lx
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Such a worry for you. Don’t feel bad about taking him the beer, I have had to watch my Son on one occasion when he had relapsed drink in front of me again, and I hated it and it made me feel ill, but at that time, and when they are in that frame of mind, there is not a lot you can do about it.
Can you get a spare key or do you know where he keeps it?
Always here to chat, sending you big hugs.
Dx
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No Debc, he wouldn’t give us a key. I just text him daily to make sure I get a reply.
Lx
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I also felt ill watching him drink those tins like his life depended on it. Very sad ????
I’ll be at work tomorrow so I’ll be distracted for a bit.
Thanks Debc xx
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Can you not get a key. I have a key to my sons home. If I’m worried at least now I can get in. As for the beer you do what you think is right at the time. Stay strong (says with a laugh. I’m off with stress)
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Hi Kate1, he has lost his key, he used a crowbar at the weekend to get in while he was using!
I told him if he’s worried during an episode to phone ambulance.
What a life they live (and us!)
Lx
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Omg I know. That’s the sort of thing I’d get
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Hi it’s a good book I can recommend it. It does show how addiction can hit any family and that we really are powerless in this. My heart goes out to you I am in the same boat with my son. As soon as I woke up and remembered my stomach churns. I can’t leave him on his own though. Drugfam tells you to cut off from them. I see how this helps us but I struggle with it
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I’m so sorry lindyloo. And so it goes again right, but each time it happens hopefully we’ll get stronger and more protective of ourselves. You get so jaded…
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Yeah, I hope so, I guess I’ll need to get my rosary beads out again!
Such a shame when he was doing so well a few months ago.
Lx
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I’m really sorry Lindy, the disappointment is so hard to take. I guess we can’t do it for them. Mum lend me 20 quid will break your heart if you read it now. I think the woman who started Drugfam wrote it about her own experience with her twin boys.
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That’s addiction I guess, it’s like a rollercoaster for them and for us. But I did say to him that it’s all down to him to make the change.
I’ll maybe read the book another time.
Lx
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Vickee- I’m very sorry for the loss of your brother. ????
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Thank you so much means a lot ????
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I went off work with stress yesterday feeling a bit better today I know I just have to live with this. I think I may get him to work for next two weeks and say this really is it. He will then have his rent paid and a months money. What he chooses to do then is up to him but I won’t pay again. I think that’s reasonable and I know I haven’t been the reason he loses his home or job if that happens it’s him done it.
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I think it’s definitely easier if you give them almost like a notice period that you will help now but not next time. But also, if you are financing your son you need to have control of his money. If/when he’s serious he’ll want you to do that. When my son has been getting clean in the past, he’d transferred most of his salary to me and I would transfer it back gradually. Payday is a massive trigger. I hope that your son can keep his job.l, things get worse when they are home all day.
I feel for you with work being stressful, I wonder if we should do less pressured jobs while going through this. I’m on the point of resigning from mine, I manage people and a lot of cash and just can’t give it what it needs. Some days I just want to hide.
I hope things improve for all of us. At least the sun is shining and we aren’t in lockdown.
I hope you enjoy your week off, try and do something nice for yourself.
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Yes that sounds like a plan. I was managing his money and feeding it to him for a couple months he did well then he met a girl and went crazy drinking Coke steroids giving her money. It got very volition with her breaking his windows him having no money for his rent or to get to work. I am so tired of it. He talks to me like I’m a piece of shit. I live him but sometimes I hate him
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Well that went well asked him if he needed prescription getting for anti biotics. He sounds like he’s off his face again and ended up telling me to F off and has now blocked me. I just can’t win but I don’t suppose you do with an addict
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I went off work with stress yesterday feeling a bit better today I know I just have to live with this. I think I may get him to work for next two weeks and say this really is it. He will then have his rent paid and a months money. What he chooses to do then is up to him but I won’t pay again. I think that’s reasonable and I know I haven’t been the reason he loses his home or job if that happens it’s him done it.
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kate 1
sounds so familiar!
lets be honest we all need to switch off from them, despite all ive done on a weekly basis i’m either being told to f off or asked for money.
Like someone else has said i’m all cried out.
I want to live my best life not my worst….
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I guess we have to remember its their battle not ours – we just get all of the fall-out from it.
I hope everyone is okay, I’m thinking about you a lot, it really helps to know that we can talk to each other about this.
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Jem, i try to remind myself of that. He’s a grown man not a little boy making his own choices in life.
Yes, so thankful that we all have each other here.
Lx
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Every time someone new joins this thread I think about how I’ve adjusted my expectations. A few years ago I would drive to town and we’d meet for dinner. He had a great job, nice car and was so well dressed. I felt so proud and he seemed to be happy. As someone else has said, now I’d be relieved if he was doing anything for a living that’s legal, but was functioning and seeing people. I’ve always had fairly ‘boring’ jobs around finance and he was able to work in a very exciting industry – I was so happy for him, he worked hard to get there, and it’s all come to nothing. Most of the time I am okay and accepting but then sometimes you look at it in the cold light of day and it’s just so sad. Sorry, just having a moment. Addiction is like an evil disease, but there’s not much help out there for them. Rant over.
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I know I mourne the life he should have had and the life I should have had
On a positive note once again he appears to be trying to pull it around I spent a couple of hours with him trying to sort his debts which I think we have made headway with. I have told him this. Is it if he lets me down this time I’m gone
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Jem- I also think of the ‘should be’s”. You could think about this all the time, but we know we’re just punishing ourselves.
Sometimes you need to ‘have a moment’ or a vent, a problem shared…and all that!
I had my vent yesterday, feel a bit better today thankfully. Hubby is feeling low though.
Kate1- I often feel that I’m in mourning too, for the way my son was, or as a child. I feel like he’s a lost soul just now. Glad you’ve had a positive moment- a way forward, which is good.
Sending hugs ❤️
Lx
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Hello again everyone. Oh the nightmare and catastrophic effects of addiction! My heart is permanently in pain due to what has been lost due to my son’s alcoholism. The stories of your shared pain and experiences reflect alot of my own experiences. For years I have dealt with the abuse/lying etc etc etc that comes with it all and I was being destroyed more and more. Part of me is permanently frozen in an attempt to keep it all on a hidden shelf in my mind and to retain a level of sanity/peace of mind. Please take care of yourselves. I spent years hoping and praying and pleading with no effect. I have visited prison, attended child protection conferences and had police calling at my home at all times. I have been permanently living on the edge. I somehow found the strength to say ‘goodbye’ to my son although that breaks my heart. I won’t say anymore, all too painful. I love my son but I was being totally destroyed and enabling him at every turn. I continue to have hope but on a much more realistic level. Please take care and remember that we are all in this together, that offers some crumb of comfort in the nightmare that others understand. Night
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I don’t think anyone who has not been through this could possibly understand the agony families go through. My son was always a bit of a handful and in hindsight the signs were there I just was not aware. I never thought at 29 he would be much further down the road. He has had so much money out of me. How I wish I had made him feel consequences when he was much younger maybe we would not be here now
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Hi nanny ger, you’re a very brave and strong woman. It must have broken your heart but you realised its the only way. Thank you for sharing and making me realise this will be the next step if he goes back on his word again. Xx
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Hi Nannyger,
What you’ve been through is heartbreaking, I don’t know how you’ve kept yourself going. I am probably lucky that my son doesn’t have any children, that’s a whole new level of worry. Saying goodbye to your son must have been very hard, I’m sure you must feel that loss terribly even though for the sake of your own sanity you had no choice.
You’re so right that there is a comfort in not being alone in this. I wish there was more help out there for them and treatment.
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My son has tried to kill himself twice last time just after Christmas. He wouldn’t go to hospital but the crisis team persuaded him to saying they would see him. He was discharged at 3 in the morning when I called the crisis team I was spoken to really rudely by a man who shouted down the phone “your son doesn’t have a mental health problem, he’s a drug addict “. I think I realised then there was no help
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Omg Kate that is awful and disgusting! How dare they speak to you like that and treat your son that way! Your son is ill and needed help. I can’t imagine how you must have felt and trying to have to cope with that feeling completely alone. ????
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On reflection I should have put in a complaint. Ignorant man but you feel low enough don’t you
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Kate1
I’m sorry to hear that you had that shocking experience. How dare these people speak to you like that! As if you’re not hurt enough.
Thinking and praying for you both.
Lx ❤
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Thank you
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Hello my friends- as I mentioned some posts back, my son has reached out and is wanting to get together. He has been sober since around mid April and with his recent texts, he says he is feeling more himself.
For those who don’t know, I have not verbally spoken to or seen my son physically since last December after Christmas. He relapsed for the umpteenth time and his treatment of me ( and his family) was so bad that I had to block him around February. This last relapse was particularly awful. We’ve been communicating by text here and there after I felt it was safe to unblock him. He went to the hospital in April to detox.
I told him I do want to get together, but that I can’t just pretend that the last 5 months didn’t happen. I told him that I need to share with him what my side is like and that if he is not ready to do that, we should postpone for a bit. He said he was fine to meet.
I will let you all know how it goes. I love him and miss the real him so much, but I’m going to be a bit careful. We’re meeting for lunch in a public place. I will tell him how I feel. I am a different mom than the way things were in the beginning when I was practically begging to keep him in my life at any and all costs- usually to me. Not any more. I really want him in my life but with healthy boundaries and I plan on telling him what those boundaries are.
Wish me luck and I’ll let you all know! ❤
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Good luck let us know how it goes xx
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Wishing you lots of love, strength and luck. I hope this is a turning point for you both. ????????
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Februarymarie – I hope that lunch with your son goes well. He’s done really well to stop drinking.
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Hi February Marie
I hope all goes well for you and your son. That’s great that he’s been clean since April and willing to talk to you.
I pray that God will give you strength to know what to say and do.
Sending hugs ❤️
Lx
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Omg kate…I had the same my son went into hospital some of his friends their parents and myself called an ambulance to get him sectioned he went to hospital and I prayed like mad that this wld be the point we got help…at about 1am my son calls and asks to be picked up!
I said I wanted to speak to the discharge nurse who then passed me to the psychiatric nurse who had assessed him and she actually laughed down the phone..told me the same drugs not mental health despite numerous suicide attempts and hospital trips for self harm…..
It beggars belief what we go through and that whoever’s door ypu knock on there is no help.
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Isn’t that appalling. There is nowhere to turn my son only went to hospital because the crisis team said they would pick him up and help
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Omg kate…I had the same my son went into hospital some of his friends their parents and myself called an ambulance to get him sectioned he went to hospital and I prayed like mad that this wld be the point we got help…at about 1am my son calls and asks to be picked up!
I said I wanted to speak to the discharge nurse who then passed me to the psychiatric nurse who had assessed him and she actually laughed down the phone..told me the same drugs not mental health despite numerous suicide attempts and hospital trips for self harm…..
It beggars belief what we go through and that whoever’s door ypu knock on there is no help.
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Hello everyone,
My son hurled himself through the first floor window of his homeless hostel two weeks ago. The police arrived before the ambulance. After he was discharged from hospital ; using crutches and with deep , visible lacerations he was moved into a ground floor room of a different homeless hostel two miles out from the city centre – for his safety. He was last seen begging outside in this terrible condition.
I spoke to his “ support worker “ who said “ If it was up to me I would give them ( addicts ) ECT”
One of the medical personal involved with his treatment at the hospital said “hopefully he won’t make it and then he will be out of his situation” – not realising I was his mother. ( I work in a hospital )
The people who are paid to help and support don’t want to. I’m not saying they don’t care, seems like they have stopped caring.
Could they have become as jaded as I am?
My predicament is that I can no longer bear to see my son right now. His pain hurts me too much. I don’t take drugs or use alcohol and prescription drugs have only made me more anxious and do not help with the panic attacks, so I stopped taking those years ago.
I was in the supermarket yesterday , a visual of my son came into my head and I collapsed. No warning. Down I went. My glasses landed about 10 feet away, the contents of my bag scattered all over the shop floor. Within seconds I was surrounded, people even had their phones out filming my distress. The shop staff did a little check on me. I left , shocked , embarrassed , in one piece.
I’m not OK. I have no strength. Another wasted day in bed.
I’m so sorry this is happening to all of our children and to us.
Yet: The dealers keep dealing.
Thank you all for sharing your stories here.
Love Ivy x
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So very sorry ivy. This is my biggest fear for my son they really must be in such deep despair to try to end it. My son has taken two overdoses. I feel so ill with it all I cam only imagine how you feel. Sometimes I really wish I had never given birth to him I know how awful that sounds that’s at the low points but I love him so much it hurts me to see him in this state.
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So very sorry Ivy, I hope you are feeling a bit better today.
You said the dealers keep dealing and this is so true, they have no morals, no real consequences if they are caught, it’s a bloody joke, in reality they are killing people.
Take care.
Dx
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Ivy- my heart breaks for you and for all of us. You have friends here… ❤️
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Thank you for your kind words Kate. I can relate and empathise.
❤️
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I’ve had bad time recently with him and he seems to be making an effort again. I have lost confidence that he can change now but time will tell
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Ivy – I am so sorry about what you’re going through with your son. I wish you could get help. It’s like a living death watching a child destroy themselves and not being able to prevent it.
The limitation with this forum is that we can’t sit with each other and let each of us cry. We are all a bit alone and when something dreadful happens you need to know people have a bit of understanding and empathy.
I am thinking of you and praying for you and your son.
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Hi Jem,
Wouldn’t it just be great if we could all sit together and get it all off our chests, and the pain out of our hearts.
I think we would be there for a long time, but would be so good for all of us.
Dx
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Thanks Jem , I’m shedding a wee tear right now. Knowing there are others going through this makes me feel less alone. Lets me see people do care. I’m going to make a cup of tea and go back to bed x
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I’d love to cook you a meal and just listen, everyone needs this support.
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That is a lovely thought. I suppose all I can do is take things one day at a time. I’m hoping, sometime soon in the future, when I build up my strength that I find a way where our voices will be heard and changes will be made. Maybe one day we will all get the chance to sit with each other. You really are a gem, JEM x
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You certainly don’t deserve this Ivy. When you reach a low point, it’s okay to take a step back to try and catch your breath. It’s how we survive, because having an addicted child is a slow death for us too.
This forum has been a blessing for me. None of us have the answers, but we have each other to lean on. Please take care of yourself in small ways like your cup of tea.
You have many virtual arms around you giving you a big hug. ❤️
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Oh ivy big hugs, what more can I say.
Yes just take each day at a time and try as much as u can to put yourself first xx
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Hi all
Ivy – I’m so sorry to read your story and what’s happened to your son recently.
The lack of empathy from some people is shocking, they don’t realise that there’s a caring family involved in a lot of cases.
It would be great if we could meet and have an empathetic shoulder to cry on. I will continue to keep us all in my prayers and hope for a miracle.
I agree that the scumbag dealers are the lowest of the low and hopefully soon there will be tougher sentences for them.
I heard that the Scottish government are putting more into drug rehabilitation and support, maybe this will be a way forward for our sons.
Take care of yourself Ivy.
Lxx
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yesterday for the first time in ages i went into london to meet freinds along the river as i came out of waterloo there was a homeless female begging, she looked ravaged by drugs and life on the streets.
before i had an addict in the family i used to be shocked that someone like that could have been abandoned by there family and yet now i know that theres a good chance there is a heartbroken mother and family who have done there utmost.
Lets hope the government do start investing in this problem more.
take care everyone.
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That’s the heartbreaking thing it’s someone’s son or daughter. They may not know what has become of them or even if they are alive. I never stop and give money but I do offer a cup of tea and a sandwitch or something. It’s just no more than I would wish someone would do for my son if he were in that position god forbid
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I used to be the same way Bump. I used to think, why doesn’t their family help them, and now I see that that there is a family there who has probably tried everything to help them.
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Hi Ivy I am so so sorry. There are no words that express how sad I feel for you right now but also how sad I feel for your son that he has become this person. I’m not religious but I often pray for a miracle with regard to my son so I’ll pray for you too.
I thought the other day wouldn’t it be great to meet these ladies who would get my story not judge or make ridiculous suggestions.
If you remember my son stayed with us this week and its been ok. He was grateful and seems to be having positive thoughts. He has his son staying this weekend which is always good for him but when Monday comes things might go downhill again. I’ll pray it doesn’t. Sending my love to you all and hoping that miracle happens for at least one of us. Xxxx
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68862 – I really hope that this is the start of better times for your son and you. As you say, hearing good news from one of us gives everyone else hope. I visited a friend today, who’s husband has had a serious stroke, he can’t walk and the whole thing is so sad but they are getting a lot of support from the nhs abs social services. If you compare that with what Ivy and Bump have seen their son’s go through and there’s very little in terms of treatment for addiction or support for parents. Addiction and mental health are right at the back of the queue for funding.
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Thank you Jem I live in hope. That’s really sad for your friend and her husband. I hope they are well and truly looked after.
I follow some people on tik tok who are in recovery and they share their stories. I guess it’s their therapy talking about it on a social media platform but today was sad as a young lad who has been in recovery from cocaine sadly used again last night after a very long time of abstinence. He went out with friends and cocaine made an appearance. He was breaking his heart because he’d let himself down. We will never know how the addict feels when their demon is put in front if them. How exhausting to fight that battle constantly. Xx
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Hi 68862
I’m glad that your son’s visit went well. I hope for his sake and yours that this positivity continues.
Thinking of you all, try and enjoy the good weather while it’s here.
Sending hugs ❤️
Lx
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I feel the same about seeing people living on the street.
Now I find it hard to walk past without giving them something to eat and drink. I just think that my son could be in that position so easily and I’d like to think someone would help him.
Things can change for the better or worse very quickly when they have addictions as I’m sure you all know.
Hugs to all
Lx
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Just got into bed and thought about everyone on this thread. I hope things are as okay as they can be and that today had some good bits. Sleep well xxx
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Hello everyone- I did meet up with my son last Friday. I was nervous and it was a little awkward, at least for me. He looked very good, clean and bright eyes- sober. It’s so nice to see him that way! He seemed his normal self. I asked him to kind of update for me what’s been going on with him. He talked mostly about his university program stuff, which is really not what I’m interested in right now. But he is seeing a substance abuse counselor once a week and he seems to like her. He’s still not interested in AA or any kind of rehab. I even suggested a chat room like this and he wasn’t interested in that either.
Anyway, I let him talk and he was very apologetic to me about how horrible he was to me and the family with this last relapse. He said as he has many times, “You know that it is not me when I’m like that. I could never knowingly hurt my family, that’s some other person.” He was very adamant about that. But he did acknowledge for the very first time, that he has to accept that it did come from him.
So I told him, that even though he’s not himself when he’s under the influence, the other person, me, is still receiving this awful treatment, and it hurts. He always asks for compassion. I asked, “What would that look like in actions?” He said that when he’s like that, that I should just tell him I love him and ignore it. I said, “Gosh, that’s a lot to ask of a person. When you’re like that, you’re unreasonable. A person is just supposed to take that kind of abuse? That’s too much to ask.” I did share with him how bad it hurts, and that if you are suffering, then you need to know that I am suffering too and it’s awful.
He got a little testy at times, but I wasn’t budging. I was calm and loving. He said, ” I would never cut out someone in my life if they had this problem!” I told him that he has no idea of what he would do. He said he wishes that the family could feel how he feels. I said that’s not realistic, that no one, except another addict would understand his true “pain”.
I told him that we both have to accept that we will never be in each other’s shoes. I said that I hope and pray that the last relapse would be his last. ( As we know, they often say, ‘that’s it, I’m done this time!’ )
I told him, just in case it’s not, that when he becomes mean or crazy sounding, that I will have to take care of myself and back out for a while. Just like he asked me to just ‘know’ that he loves me even though he’s being mean while drunk, that he will have to ‘know’ that I still love him even though I back away. I told him that I cannot save him, in the beginning I thought I could, but that this is all on him. I told him that I just can’t take what I used to- I just don’t have the internal reserves anymore.
I made sure to congratulate him on his two months of sobriety.
So, we talked for maybe an hour and a half (at a sandwich place). I ended up wrapping it up, because the whole conversation was wearing on me. We didn’t make any upcoming plans because I think it’s easier to just go a day at a time, a week at a time or whatever.
I could feel the veil over my heart. I am definitely realistic and self-protective. Honestly, I’ve had a sadness in my heart these last few days that this is our story at all. The days when I would just melt and hug him and think it’s finally over are no longer there. Of course, if he were to stay sober, week after week, month after month, year after year, then I’m sure we would be able to have a much deeper relationship like we used to.
So I go forward with prayer. As we’ve all said before, ‘we’ve been down this road many times and only time will tell’. You just enjoy the moment while it’s here and it was nice to see him be himself!
Love to you all my friends… ????
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Hello Marie really respect your post and having been in a similar situation if you mind my opinion.. I think you focusing on your own feelings with the situation rather than having empathy for your sons situation.. I will add I maybe wrong but your message cones across line that… I have children and I know it’s heart breaking but not as heart breaking what the addictive person is going through.. try and embrace him.. hope I have not talked out of turn xxx
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It’s a difficult situation I think although we love them at some point you have to put yourself first this is my second week off work I can’t blame it all on my son my workload is very demanding but he tipped the balance this week he seems to be sorting himself again though he can still be rude. He got a call from the drs. Don’t know if you recall I had to call for ambulance last week but he refused to go. He is going for blood tests and X-ray. I feel a bit unemotional about it he has abused his body so badly. Maybe this will be his wake up call. Who knows I do know I feel at the end of the road with it all. I would like peace
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February Marie after I sent my message I questioned it to be honest because it’s sad from both sides and maybe I’m just grieving for my brother and want answers and it is different with our own children..do much respect for you think I’m just angry with the addiction… is there a right or wrong? No.. we all trying to cope.. I am so sorry if I questioned your decisions mine was my brother yours is your son and you talk with such knowledge.. be proud.. and thank you for a kind reply especially what your going through.. I just hurt like I’m sure you do.. I hope your son comes through this awful disease.. much love xxxx
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Hi Februarymarie well done you for having the courage to go through with your meeting, you must have been on tenter hooks. He does seem to be making progress and acknowledging his mistakes. I hope he continues with his sobriety and you can love him as your beautiful boy once again. ❤
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Remember my son came home for the week wanting help, fed up of his life, didn’t want to use anymore, selling stuff to find money to pay dealers? Well guess what that lasted a week! He used yesterday, wouldn’t speak to anyone, wouldn’t come up to say bye to his son and spent most of yesterday and today in bed. He sent me a big red heart this morning in a txt so I sort of guessed he’d done it. It was guilt. But he denied it and said he wanted to be on his own as he was very low. We’re completely fed up now and are getting closer to walking away. There is nothing more we can do. We have got to start putting ourselves first. My husband rang drugfam earlier just to speak to someone. What a very sad situation we find ourselves in.
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Thank you 68862.
I’m sorry about your son. Sadly, this is how it is right?
The walking seat is self survival for a period of time because you just feel as though you’re going to combust. I hope you and your husband can take that time. It sounds like you have many people who love you and need you as well like your daughter and grand babies. ♥️
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Thanks February Marie. You’re right, It’s going to be hard but we need to focus on us and my daughter and grandchildren now. He has consumed our energy for far too long and at 33 it’s time he took Responsibility for his own actions and not expect us to sort them out for him. Xx
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Hi ladies, i just noticed your posts.
February Marie- I’m glad to hear that you met up with your son and he’s doing well. I’ve had that conversation too about the way they treat you when they’re using.
I guess you just have to focus on the present for the moment.
Just concentrate on yourself and the others in your family. This is a step forward for him I think- long may it continue! ????
68862 – I’m in the same boat as you at the moment. He’s spent all his cash, made himself ill, got into trouble at his work…..never again he says. So we’re getting him food and cigs to keep him going.
I’m reading ” mum can you lend me £20″ book recommended by Drugfam, its a hard read but you can totally empathise with the parents.
Thinking and praying for us all here.
Sending hugs ❤️
Lx
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Hi Lindyloo oh no I’m so sorry but maybe getting into trouble at work has made him wake up now? There is no question that all of us on here love our boys but there comes a time when you have to say that’s it we’re done. So many addicts have to lose jobs, family, homes before they say enough is enough. We thought our son losing his home, his marriage breaking up might have done it but I think its going to need more than that for him to want to give up. Thank you for the recommendation I’ll take a look at that book. Take care xxx
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Hi this forum is new to me and I’m at my wits end . My daughter met her partner 11years ago and soon discovered he was an addict,she became pregnant by him and my grandson was born with complications. The relationship continued with our support and she then had a second child as she kept on with the fight of his unsuccessful recovery.she told me she became engulfed by his addiction until she decided if you can’t beat him join him,years passed her not wanting contact with me her mother social services became involved until the day she finally let me in because she was caught shoplifting and faced prison,the judge ordered for her and the two children to live back at home with my partner and I and to be put on tag..this I thought was a turning point until the children’s father moved to the village..when her tag was removed they all went to live in a halfway house where they continued to use heroine and crack.. another baby arrived being born by an addict she was carefully watched they were rehoused seemed to get on there feet but are now both back using.. I have now where to turn and my heart is breaking..
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Oh what a nightmare for you. I can only say stay with this group you will get good support. You are not alone although you may feel you are. Until they are ready to stop there’s nothing you can do. I’m sure you keep a close eye on the children. It’s so heartbreaking. My son is a Coke addict his partner took the children and left thank god. Leaves me to struggle on with him but at least I don’t have to worry about the children. Hold onto this support. Love to you x
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Oh my goodness Susan, sending you my love as not only have you the worry of your daughter but your grandchildren too. My son is a coke addict and this forum has been a lifeline for me. You are definitely not alone on here we are all experiencing some sort of heartache through drugs or alcohol. Stay on here even if you don’t share anything. Thinking of you xx
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gosh you really have had a tough time and i dont know where to start.
I cant begin to imagine what its like to have the aded complication of grandchildren involved.
I feel i say this to evryone but only because but has helped me when things were at there worst, but have you accessed any counselling for yourself? through either a local drug and alcohol service which is how i got mine…had i think 10 sessions free and then also through any of the national services such as drugfam or somewhere.
There are also support groups mainly on zoom now which can help enormously with supporting and offering advice with what you are going through.
sadly at this point its about damage limitation to your own health as ive learnt that they will only seek help when they are ready.
other than that just try to focus on yourself and your grandchildren dont allow your daughters addiction to completley ruin your life….so easy to say and even with my son 90 days clean. live with the fear of a relapse hanging over me.
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Afternoon all.. I’m sat here alone as my lovely supportive partner has gone camping ????not for me ????.. does anyone else experience abuse and vile messages from there addict family member..although now my daughter has blocked me !!I guess because I refused to give her money and have kept reaching out to her.. I’ve always told her I love her and I’m hear when she needs me.. the rest of my family tell me to stop contact until she needs me but I can’t.. my fear is the next time I see her will be on a marble slab and my grandkids will be in care..what advice please x
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Susan yes. I think everyone does. My son is absolutely foul when he’s under the influence. He only wants me for money and when he doesn’t get it he calls me all sorts of things he also blocks me but it only lasts till he wants something. Everyone tells me to let him lose everything but this month once again I prevented him losing his job and home. I ha e told him this is the last time and I do mean it. We all fear they will be found dead but what can we do
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Susan, I was really sorry to read about your daughter and her family. This must be so difficult for you, especially with children involved and it all going on so close to home. When I first found out that my son was doing heroin I spoke to a counsellor at Drugfam and they told me not to live close to my son, I thought that was very harsh but understand it now. My son lives with me at the moment, although he’s still using he has knocked it right back, but I know that this could change, its a very uneasy peace, of sorts. One of the things that has helped me is visiting the Opiate Recovery thread on Reddit. Reading the day-to-day struggles of people trying to get free of it, helped me to have more empathy and patience with what users go through. It feels like a miserable existence waiting for them to find the strength to beat it. I think having your own full life and strong friendships probably helps but I’ve no idea how you build that for yourself when inside everything feels so bleak and you feel like its destroying you. I hope that you get some comfort from this forum, its a very special place. I’m not sure how it works, but knowing that others understand what you are going through and have similar struggles really helps. When one of us has good news, I think that makes us all more optimistic about what is possible.
I hope things get better for you x
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yep i get that too, even when hes not under the influence!!
Ive been told by several people and most importantly a ex alcoholic who now runs a rehab centre he said every time we do something to help them in their situation such as lending/giving money help with their jobs etc we are enabling them.
i think stopping helping someone you love is so hard but i do think kicking my son out and everything we have been through has maybe got him to the point when he was beaten up he realised his life had got so low he needed to change.
The irony is that he is very resentful to me though as he sees being kicked out of home as a massive betrayal and says i dont love him him unconditionally….well i hope one day when he matures more and his brain has hopefully rewired that he will see why we took the drastic action we did.
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Susanholding- I am so sorry to hear your story- it’s just heartbreaking with the children involved. Hang in here with us, there is a lot of support here that helps you get through. ❤❤❤
Vickie- this is such a complex situation for all involved, especially while dealing with the loss of your brother. My story with my son goes back almost 10 years. My meeting with him was after us not speaking for almost 5 months. It was a moment to tell him how I feel because I usually don’t for fear of him relapsing which is not fair to me. The nature of addiction makes it all about them. I’ve been dealing with his situation for so long really by myself and it takes a tremendous toll. You see that when you read these posts. You said that you have children, and that you know it’s heartbreaking for us moms, but not as heartbreaking as what the addict is going through. I’m confused…
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February Marie after I sent my message I questioned it to be honest because it’s sad from both sides and maybe I’m just grieving for my brother and want answers and it is different with our own children..do much respect for you think I’m just angry with the addiction… is there a right or wrong? No.. we all trying to cope.. I am so sorry if I questioned your decisions mine was my brother yours is your son and you talk with such knowledge.. be proud.. and thank you for a kind reply especially what your going through.. I just hurt like I’m sure you do.. I hope your son comes through this awful disease.. much love xxxx
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Marie after I sent my message I questioned it to be honest because it’s sad from both sides and maybe I’m just grieving for my brother and want answers and it is different with our own children..do much respect for you think I’m just angry with the addiction… is there a right or wrong? No.. we all trying to cope.. I am so sorry if I questioned your decisions mine was my brother yours is your son and you talk with such knowledge.. be proud.. and thank you for a kind reply especially what your going through.. I just hurt like I’m sure you do.. I hope your son comes through this awful disease.. much love xxxx
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Thank you Vickee. It’s okay, having a family member with an addiction takes such a toll on everyone. I have two daughters as well, and they certainly have a terrible time their brother’s addiction. You are grieving such a terrible loss with your brother and your heart is in a tender place. We as family members are so helpless, that’s I think, one of worst parts of it. We can hold each other up. ❤
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You are so beautiful thank you so much and lovely to have this support .. it’s such a rubbish disease so much love to you thank you ❤️
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When I first started on this forum, I noticed that there is also a section called, “Bereavement”. I’m guessing that it’s for people who have lost a loved one to addiction? Have you seen that on the Forum Home page?
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No I haven’t and really would like some help it’s hard because I’m now an only child and all the dimensions change I’m not sure how to be now xx
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I saw my brother so bad I wanted it over for him but now I just want him back maybe I could of helped more x
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Vicky, I’m sure that you did everything that you could for your brother. I’m really sorry that you lost him, he was lucky to have a loving sister. Addicts are letdown badly because of continuous cuts to services and health care as well as the low-lifes who push drugs. I hope that you also have happy memories of better times that you spent together xxx
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Thank you so much ❤️
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I sometimes think if something happened to my son in some ways it would be a release but I would always question if I did enough. I know I can’t do any more than I’m doing. I do sometimes wonder if it’s my fault he is like this. Did it start when his dad and I split. Is it because his dad is an idiot and wants nothing to do with his children. No one will ever know. There’s no point trying to beat ourselves up. The bottom line is they are ill. They can’t help it. Our anger should be directed to the scummy dealers
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That’s exactly how I feel Kate. I want this to end for him and the perfect scenario would be for him to wake up and realise the damage he has done and is doing to himself and those that love him. I also cannot pinpoint anything that would have made him do this, I believe it was just reaching an age where he could go out drinking and the coke followed shortly after that. And as for the dealers I swear on Sunday my son got a text from one as he changed after he received a text. We were having a lovely family afternoon, football on, kids in paddling pool and bbq on. Then on Monday it all started again.
Vicki I’m so sorry you’re feeling the way you do but maybe the bereavement forum will help? As I said before I can’t imagine how you must be feeling sending all of my love to you. Xxx
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Makes me sick how the dealers can just reach them where ever they are. Leaches
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Vile scum praying on the weak to line their pockets.
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Jem is right Vickee. I’m fairly certain that there is nothing you could have done. You see on all these stories here that no amount of love seems to change them. They have to want to do it. And some do, thank goodness.
There’s no way around grief, you just have to go through it…
Love to you ❤
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Thank you ❤️❤️
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You are all so lovely and supportive thank you so much.. why is there not more help though xxx love to you ❤️
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Hello again everyone and I have read your updated stories and feelings. To Susan Holding, my heart breaks for your story (and others too). Very painful and no get out clause. Additional worry when you know that there are grandchildren involved too. I have my own painful experience of taking my grandchildren to see my son in prison and the nightmare of child protection meetings. Please be assured that I am not attempting to divert from your story but as so may people on this forum have said, a crumb of comfort can be sought from knowing that others can identify with the nightmare of it all. And we all need to take care of ourselves. The constant ‘living on the edge’, the worrying, fear and hopelessness and helplessness can be overwhelming.
Please take care of yourselves. I have learnt that I need to do this, despite the constant turmoil and heartache. Good night All
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Afternoon everyone..god it’s good to feel I’m not alone.. this road I’m on with my daughter is so dranning sleepless nights my mind wanders during the day it’s exhausting..my daughter seems to go around nine months clean and then has a relapse..in the past I myself have contacted the police and social services as one of the dealers they owed money to set fire to there car and smashed there front door… my daughter turned so vile towards me that this time I’m backing of and hope the school watches over the children.. my family say I must distance myself from her but I live in fear for her and the kiddies.. when she’s clean she tells me the things she does and I’m so afraid but what can I do.. please excuse my grammar I can’t spell ☹️X
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I know exactly how you feel. It has got to much for me at the moment and I am off work with stress. Not all down to my son but he hasn’t helped. I have now paid his rent a debt and his train fare for work. He happily strips me clean of cash and I have told him if he doesn’t pull his self round this time I need to walk away for my own sanity. I think this time he sees how ill I am feeling and that I mean what I say. I sometimes hate him god help me. That makes me feel bad saying that but he is distroying not only his life but mine. I live in fear of what dealers might do to him but he is bringing this on himself. Life should be good I’m nearing retirement instead I’m spending my money on his bills food travel
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Hi Kate and others. Please don’t beat yourself for feeling’ hate’ towards your son. Important to remember that love and hate are closely connected and I can identify with those feelings too. As you said, addiction destroys you too and I was slowly losing more and more of myself to the point where I was becoming a shell of my former self. For years, I engaged in behaviour and support for my son that was enabling him and I somehow had to find the strength to say goodbye. I am unsure how I found this but I had been dealing with the pain and turmoil for in excess of 20 years. I live in hope that things might change , I have prayed in churches and written
messages on prayer boards; anything to give me hope. My heart remains permanently shattered with it all and I have had to freeze things in my mind to retain a level of sanity. Fathers Day tomorrow serves as a reminder that my son will be hurting for not being with his kids and I know that as mothers, we feel their heartache too. So, a permanent life sentence for many. Please take care of yourselves and seek solace from this forum. I know that it helps me to know that others can identify with the complete catastrophic effects of addiction for the person and their families. I continue to hope and pray for us all.
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I found my son dead this morning. He hung himself. I love him and I couldn’t help him. I keep thinking what I could should have done. Why wasn’t I there. Keep your addicts close. Love them whatever they do
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Kate, i’ m so sorry, there are no words that I can say. I can’t even think of how you’re feeling right now. All I can say is that you could do no more for him, he would know that you loved him.
You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers .
God bless you ❤
Lx
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But I wasn’t there when he needed me
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Kate, there’s no way we can be there constantly for any of our family. Your son and ours are tormented by this addiction and every day is a battle for them.
We as mums can only do so much. Please don’t punish yourself.
Please seek some support and comfort from your family or close friends. Take each minute, hour day as it comes.
I’ll be lighting a candle for him tonight and praying for you all to get you through this difficult time.
Lx
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Omg Kate I’m so so sorry I don’t know what to say my heart is breaking for you. You did everything you could to help your son. Please do not blame yourself, he was in the darkest of places that nobody could have brought him back from. I really am extremely sorry for your loss ????????❤❤
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Kate I’m so so sorry ❤️
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My poor poor son. I can’t bear it. I will always wonder what I could have done.
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Kate you did everything possible it’s a horrible disease Kate I’m so sorry I wish I could take some pain away ❤️
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Oh Kate I am so sorry, I can’t imagine what you are feeling right now. I hope you have people with you right now. Your son did that probably in a moment of complete madness. Addiction and chemicals do that, and none of it is your fault. I don’t know how you come to terms with this but you were there for your son and he would’ve known that you really loved him. Please don’t be alone, you will need to get proper counselling to help you to deal with what has happened. Post here when you are able. We are all here for you x
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Oh kate. What words can I say. I cant imagine what your feeling.
But know as a mum you did everything u cld. I hope u are surrounded by lots of people to take care of you. Your son knew u loved him thats why he wld always turn to you he knew you were there.
I am so so sorry. We are here to support you.xxxxx
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Oh my dear Lord Kate. There are no words other than I am so, so very sorry. I have followed your stories and I know you did all you could to be there for him. Please take gentle care of yourself at this time.
I’m sending you lots of hugs, love and many prayers. ❤️
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Yes kate dont punish yourself.
You were on this forum because u are a loving mum who was giving your all to help him.
May your son rest in peace.xxx
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Thank you. I can’t get the picture of him out of my head. How can I live with this. Knowing I’ll never see him again breaks my heart. He didn’t deserve this
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Kate I think you are going to have grief counselling.
Everything will be so raw but when u are ready u must do that.
I wish I cld do and say something to help your pain.
Xxx
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Kate adfam have a bereavement section.
They could offer you some valuable support for you. Someone u can speak to and help you through this.
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Kate, I’m so sorry that you were the one to find him. You will need some grief help for all this.
None of us have the answers, we’re just moms who love our sons and can’t fix them no matter how hard we try. My son just relapsed yet again after just two months. I suspect it because the weird emails began last night. He was doing good and seemed determined. It was good to see him normal last week, but I guess the addiction is stronger.
My heart has been heavy all day, especially for you.
I’m here for you to listen anytime you need it. We’re all just sisters in this sad situation but we do have each other.
Much love to you. ♥️
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Thank you I and my daughter are awake thinking this time yesterday maybe he was ending it. She is in pieces my heart hurts that I couldn’t save him from this. I love him so much. I told him I’d walk away if he couldn’t turn this around this time. I couldn’t keep doing this. I don’t know how to stop this hurt
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Kate I’m so sorry for you loss, can’t imagine how you are feeling. Just know that you did all you possibly could of done for your Son.
We are all here for you.
Dx
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Kate – I can’t stop thinking about you and what has happened to your son. There is a UK support group for people effected by suicide of a loved one. There is a helpline and local groups. If you feel like you can, please ring the helpline. This is just an anonymous forum but is probably the most powerful thing that we have to help us. In time you might find again that talking to people that have experienced suicide helps you when you need it. You are very open and honest on this forum and I think that will help you in the days and weeks ahead. I think it’s holding in the grief that is too big for us to handle is what sinks us. You have a grandchild and daughter, and happy times ahead.
The group is: uksobs.org which stands for survivors of bereavement by suicide.
Your son died of something that you couldn’t cure him of, the things you did, you did because you loved him. He could’ve been ill with a physical disease, and died. It’s not really that different. But you would be less likely to blame yourself. This is not in our hands, what happens in the end to our addicted sons.
I bet your son was lovely, kind and funny before drugs took hold, please try and remember that person.
It’s hard to ever find the right words when someone dies and I hope this doesn’t sound preachy. I am so sad for you, I can only try and imagine the pain. We are all thinking about you and have cried for you.
Sorry about any typos, if I read this back I’ll probably delete it so sending as it is.
xxx
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Thank you yes he was lovely. Just noticed a lack of photos of me and him together. Getting some pics of us and the children to put in the grave. Also his 2 year old made a Father’s Day card we will put that in and I want to write a letter. I can just imagine him laughing about all the toot I’m putting in x
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I bet you’re a wonderful grandmother x
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Soft they call it same as I was with him and my daughter. God I want to see him so badly
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I know, you must miss him so much, he was your baby. You were very good to him and he knew you loved him.
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Yes I know he knew and I knew he loved me
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That’s a wonderful tribute to your son. I’m sorry I missed that he had a little boy- God bless his little heart. But your grandson has you and your heart is full of love. You certainly showed it to your son.
Thinking of you with love. ♥️
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Big hugs kate. Thinking of you.xx
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Kate- you did everything a loving mom could do. You can’t control another person’s actions, especially an addict’s- how we wish we could.
My best friend lost her son to drug addiction 6 years ago. She was in the same house with him because they were going to a court date in the morning together. She was literally one room away and her son still managed to take so many drugs/alcohol that he didn’t survive it. She doesn’t know when and where he got it. She said she was with him for several days before. I told her that you could could have been sleeping in the same bed with him and he still would have found a way to do what he did.
I have been by her side through all this and watched her go through her grief process. She struggled terribly in the beginning and wanted to die just to be with him. But somehow she carried on and now she derives so much joy from her 5 grandchildren. They get her through. She wanted answers for years and she never really found them. But she is doing better and someday, somehow you will too because there are people who love you and need you and you will meet your son again someday where he is at peace and whole.
Much love to you.. ♥️♥️♥️
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How awful it just shows you just can’t get it right to save them. I understand her wanting to be with him. I felt that as well but I’m not brave enough to do that and I could not destroy my daughter and grandchildren. I know it will slowly get better and life will go on but I will never be able to put my arms round him or tell him it will be ok. Thing is I’m not sure he would have ever been free now he is away from the people that used and abused him and I know he will be at peace. We just need to find ours now
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That is the agony of grief, that we can longer see them, touch them hear them, smell them. I remember that well when my young husband and the father of my children died 30 years ago. They are in a better place and we are left behind. Grief takes its time so just do your best moment to moment. ♥️
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Thinking of you and your family Kate. Try not to keep punishing yourself, this could have happened to any one of us. Our sons have addictions and every day is a battle for them.
As February Marie says, he has finally found his peace. But It’s so sad for those left behind who are grieving. Ill keep thinking and praying for you to get through this sad time.
Lx ????
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Thank you x
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He is at peace I know but we are not. It’s a battle to get through the days now. I was so close to him but couldn’t save him.
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Kate, I think of you and your family daily. I spoke to a recently bereaved friend and he said that after the funeral he felt there was closure.
Such a hard and difficult time for you all. I think the bereavement support groups that Jem suggested will be good for you when you feel ready.
I remember around Christmas 2020 there was a post by Ty85 who , like you lost her son. She set up a petition to government for tougher sentencing for dealers.
I wish there was something I could say or do to help you Kate, but I do pray daily for us all here.
Always here for you my friend ❤
Lx
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Kate 1, what could I ever say that would make it any better. Words escape me except to say that you are in my thoughts and prayers. May your son RIP. Agony of the worst kind for you. Saying we are here for you seems like empty words but we truly are. X
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I know you all understand. I just thank god he is out of this nightmare much as I love him I could not protect him that really hurts me
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Hi Kate1- none of us can help our boys. Such a helpless feeling, when as parents we’re supposed to protect them. We all know it’s all on them and that’s so hard because we’re having to accept that the control is in the hands of our addict who is out of control and mentally compromised by the substance.
You’re a survivor. I’m sure you’ve seen things and gotten through things that you can never have imagined. And you still loved him- that’s a parent’s love and there is no other like it.
I think of you daily and pray for you and your family and all of us here and our addicted children too. Glad we all gave each other. ????
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Kate, I am so sorry for your loss. I have no words. My thoughts are with you at this time.
Love
Ivy x
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I did everything I could for him and still I blame myself. If I’d been harder. If I’d not been so blunt. In my heart I know that’s rubbish and that it was much more than how I or the family spoke or treated him. He knew we loved him but what made him do this. I don’t understand
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Hi Kate,
You did everything you could for your Son, please don’t blame yourself, I know this will be extremely hard to do, as Mums we love our Sons unconditionally.
Thinking of you at this very sad time.
Take care.
Dx
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We are sorting his funeral so busy is my best friend at the minute. So many people he worked with have said how well liked and respected he was which is such a comfort. Such a shame those damn dealers didn’t leave him be
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Dear Kate,
I think about you often. I’m not religious, probably more spiritual, although I do feel that through hearing of your tragedy and grief while sitting quietly, contemplating how unfair and difficult life can be at times; God visited me to tell me everything will be okay and peace will come. Your son is at peace now. Keeping busy or whatever it takes to get through this next step is to be commended. You did everything you could. I’m sorry I can’t offer an allegory or more comforting words . My own heart is broken too and although I am estranged from my own son, I live in hope. I’m sorry if this message sounds wrong, I always did struggle trying to find the right thing to say. I hope my response isn’t too clumsy and that you understand that my heart is with you at this time. This group of people are wonderful, everyone here will support you. I do not know what I would be like without the support I have received here. We are all here for you and each other. Please stay in touch. We care
Love
Ivy x
❤️
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Thank you your message did comfort me it really did. I see signs that my son is still with me. Things that have been noticed by others. I’m in no doubt he would hate to see me and his sister so distraught and would want to say he loves us and is ok and at peace. Please god things work out for your boy no one should go through this xx
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Hi Kate,
Try not to keep punishing yourself but I guess that’s what grief does, you search for answers.
There’s not a day goes by when I don’t think of you and your family.
You are a good Mum who did as much as you could possibly do, and it’s the evil drugs and dealers who are to blame, not you.
Let us know when the funeral is and perhaps we can all light a candle that day?
Take care of each other ????
Lx
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Thank you it’s July 6 at 1245
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Like everyone else Kate, my thoughts have been with you. All I can say is try to keep strong and know that this was not on you. This is something we all dread as mother’s of addicts but I will be thinking of you on Tuesday as we all will. Celebrate the boy you knew before the devil’s work took hold. Lots of love ❤❤❤
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Kate, I wanted to you to know that you and you family have been in my thoughts and prayers.
I pray that your unconditional love for your son will get you through tomorrow. I’ll be lighting a candle in his memory at 12.45.
I know he’ll be so proud of you all.
Stay strong my sister ❤ and I know all your sisters on this thread will be with you in spirit.
Sending you all my love and support ❤
Lxx
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Thank you. I don’t know where the past two weeks have gone. I think I have been in a daze. Tomorrow my darling boy will be coming home to me. For the first time no one or nothing can hurt him x. I have seen him he looks strangely very handsome and peaceful ❤️
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Will be thinking of you tomorrow Kate xx
Dx
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Thank you so much. It’s so damn hard
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Like all of the other mums on here I think about you every day. I will set my phone alarm for 12.45 tomorrow and will say a prayer. As you’ve said, your son is at peace and no one can hurt him now. You have nothing to feel guilty about, you did everything you could for your son. I hope you can feel this collective hug xxx
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You and your family will most definitely be in my thoughts at that time.
Take care Kate ❤
Lx
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Kate1- I’ve been thinking of you a lot and hoping that you’re managing okay. My heart hurts for you.
Thank you for sharing the funeral time. I’ll be thinking and praying for you and your family at that time.
We’ll all be there with you in spirit… ????
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Kate thinking of you. What words can I say. The hardest thing any mum can do but I pray that you can give him the best send off.
Sending all of my love to you for today. Xxx
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Thank you I feel very numb. My stomach is churning. I just think of all the things he/we won’t experience. The people who helped him get to this point are the scum of the earth. He was a good lad he didn’t deserve this x
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Kate 1 thinking of you and your family and sending my love. ????????????????
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Kate – you are in my thoughts and prayers ❤ ❤
Lxx
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Kate- sending you all my love. I hope your son’s memorial gave you and your family a chance to celebrate the beauty of your son’s life and all the good that he was.
Much love to you ????????????
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Kate – I thought about you today and said a prayer at 12.45. I hope things went as well as they could. I can only begin to imagine how hard it must have been. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You are constantly in my thoughts xxx
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Thank you and thanks to all of you for thinking of us. My sons funeral went well although heart wrenchingly difficult. Weird thing though although I miss him and wish him back I don’t wish him back to be tormented and he was tormented. I know he’s out of that torment now. Those vile people can’t get to him anymore I pray for any other poor souls caught up in this disgusting trade x
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so pleased that it went well Kate, I thought about you all day.
Look after yourself now kate.xx
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Xx
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Oh Kate
I am so so so sorry. It is a day we all dread as cocaine addiction continues to take away the ones we love.
Sending you much love.
xxxx
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Oh Kate
I am so so so sorry. It is a day we all dread as cocaine addiction continues to take away the ones we love.
Sending you much love.
xxxx
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Miss him so much. Clearing his house got a bailiff letter there. They called on him the day before he hung himself
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Kate my heart is with you I’m so sorry for your terrible loss and you sound like the perfect mum to have around… it’s an illness not our faults… my brother got a letter for a psychiatrist the day the hurst was outside my mum and dads house.. Kate much love ❤️
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It is so heartbreaking. If only he waited but in my heart I know things would have got much worse for him especially with this new girl around. I don’t know what the answer is or could have been. If love could have cured him he would have been ok but it wasn’t enough x. When did your brother die Vickie my daughter is wracked with guilt because she wouldn’t have her brother at our home as her little boy lives with us and she disapproved of my sons lifestyle. I know he would have understood why these were his choices but bless him he couldn’t help it x
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My daughters are the same with their brother. They haven’t seen him for over almost a year and a half. They both have children and they don’t trust his behavior while drinking and they also don’t want him to embarrass himself in front of their children for his own sake. They don’t talk to him right now because of his erratic behavior. It’s heartbreaking for this mom.
My middle daughter is here from out of town and she’s not going to see him because he’s currently not sober. Sadly, he doesn’t even knows she’s here. And all of these fractures in my family is so sad for me. Made me cry the other day when we had a get together and he’s not there. He can’t be because he’s not sober but it makes me very sad just the same. Yet, I see where my daughters are coming from too.
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Kate- tell your daughter not to feel guilty. She needed to do what was right for her and her family. My daughters are the same. And I know it’s best for my grandchildren. Just wish things weren’t what they are.
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I let my daughter read your reply in her heart she knows shes done right but now he’s not here she sees her brother not the addict and I suppose is thinking how it should have been. I look back and see how chaotic it has been for me over the years but I never stopped trying. Addict or not we love him it wasn’t his fault we know that and I don’t doubt he knew we loved him
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I feel the same with my son. It’s a super hard balance to keep your distance from them in their bad times and still let them know you love them. I’m trying to do that right now while he’s not sober, but I must admit in all these long years of his addiction I’ve been everywhere in my emotions with him- anger, fear, disgust, anguish, sorrow.
I think it’s okay that your daughter remembers her true brother. I remember when husband died, I idolized him as perfect, which was so untrue, he was an alcoholic too, and unfaithful. It was my sister who brought me back to reality. Over time, I remembered him as he was, flaws and all.
Maybe your daughter will get there too. Love to you all.. ♥️
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You are right we forget the bad times and see them in a rosy glow forgetting the really difficult things that happened. It’s the dealers to blame getting them hooked onto this shit in the first place. I do worry if I could have done something when he was younger. In my heart I know I couldn’t physically lock him in the house but you do think what if
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Kate, I think we all wonder what we could of done different, I know I certainly do, but we have to remember that we couldn’t of controlled their addiction, that I’m afraid was down to them. They often say that something must of triggered it off in their younger days, but I’m sure I can’t think of anything that happened, as I’m sure you can’t.
I read something yesterday on Hey Sigmund loving someone with addiction, it’s a really good read and gives a good insight into things. I don’t know about you, but I don’t think I will ever understand addiction sadly.
Take care of yourself Kate and take each day as it comes xx
Dx
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No I try to understand how a drug can come before everything else but I struggle. Surely when you see all your money disappear in one night. See that you are losing family friends job home it would make you sit up. But no it doesn’t. I can only imagine how desperate my son felt to actually hang himself. That’s the reality he couldn’t escape it.
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Hi Kate, I also prayed and lit a candle in memory of your son at 12.45.
You are always in my thoughts, I wish I knew what to say to make things better for you. He’s free of torment and worries now, I wish they had harsher prison sentences for drug dealers- I already signed a petition on 38 degrees.
Take care of yourself Kate, seek counselling support that others have suggested if you need to.
Sending love
Lx
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How do I find the petition. I am going to be making complaints about lack of mental health and drug services
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It was TY85 from this forum who set it up after she sadly lost her son to addiction.
He died around Christmas so I think she set it up around then . I just googled 38degrees then Harsher sentences for Drug Dealers or something similar.
There definitely needs to be something more done for people with substance abuse and addictions, and mental health issues. It breaks my heart to see stories like yours and hers.
Lx ❤
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The drug dealers, traffickers, and kingpins are the worst- murderers without penalty. Sadly, it’s no better here in the US. I’ve reached out when my son was acting crazy from alcohol and every place I called was useless. My son fights his own demons with alcohol- it’s everywhere. He’s two blocks away from a liquor store. I can’t even imagine if someone was actually calling him and tempting him with it on top of his own addiction. He goes to the hospital to detox and then it’s all on him. They give him resources which he uses for a while and then, well you know. No one follows up or cares. They just fall through the cracks. But he’s an adult, so technically it’s all on him. And I guess on some level, it is.
I don’t know what the answer is. It just hurts because these are real human beings with a disease and yet, it’s also on him to try and find what help there is.
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I know it’s a daily struggle for them and sometimes it’s too much for them to deal with. My Son went off last weekend telling me he was going to end it all, I’m sorry but I really didn’t know how to handle it, I had all these people messaging me because he had put a post on social media, but I had to just sit and wait for him to come home, hoping he did.
Thankfully he did and expected me to be in a normal mood, I felt so angry with him but also very sorry and sad that this is what drugs and drink have done to him, and this is when he is in recovery.
Dx
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Hi everyone,
I hope that things are going okay with your sons. My last few weeks have been up and down. My son reached out to the local addiction services, at the end of June, which was amazing. I went on holiday for a week and came back to him being on more heroin that he has for ages, having had one appointment where he just filled in forms. He had his second appointment yesterday and filled out more forms, had a urine test and was sent home with some sheets of paper with the days of the week printed on so that he can write down what is triggering his drug use. Sorry, but you have to laugh, the idea of someone on heroin not losing the piece of paper, managing to have a pen as well, and actually bothering to write something and keep it, is all a bit preposterous but there you go, its what you have to do to get an appointment with anyone who can actually help. The person he saw yesterday looked like the tea boy and my son had to explain to him how the various treatment options actually work, as he seemed to be working from the ladybird book of heroin recovery.
I don’t see an end to this but I hope I am wrong, my son actually said yesterday that he used to have the best life of anyone in his friendship group, lovely girlfriend, flat, well paid job. I think he is starting to accept that he has to take responsibility for this, even if there are other contributing factors. I remember speaking to an addiction counsellor a year or so ago and he said that until they take responsibility for the whole mess they won’t be able to get themselves out of it. But when you have nothing left, other than a horrible mess or a room in your mum’s house, I guess its hard to find enough of a future to pick yourself up and carry on for. On the plus side, my son’s room got so full of flies because of the heatwave and the mess that he has now started to clean it.
I’d love to hear how everyone else is doing, I think about you all so much.
Kate – I think of you every day.
Jackie
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Thank you it’s been so hard. I cry all the time and sleep. I can’t think to much about it as I think about the what ifs. I know in my heart I did everything I could and he still chose drugs and a nasty toxic relationship over a mum who loved him and a 2 year old daughter he adored. Having said that if it hadn’t happened I know that things would have got worse for him. I want him back but I want him clean of the drugs. Was it going to happen probably not.
My prayers are with you. We face rubbish mental health and drug services. What are we to do xxx
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Kate – I really feel for you, it must be so hard just getting out of bed in the morning and trying to come to terms with what’s happened, every day.
It is an illness and I suppose we all have to face the fact that not everyone gets better. I read something by an addiction ‘expert’ and they said that our children won’t recover for their parents, but they may do it for a partner or child, if not for themselves. Neither you or us are going to be the thing that makes the difference, we can only try and make things a bit easier and point them towards people who can help. It’s going to take time to start to heal and move forward and you’ll miss him everyday, but please don’t feel guilty, and try and remember him as he was before addiction took over.
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I think of him all the time and know he is out of this chaos now. I’d love him back but not in the misery of addiction. I know I did all I could for him and no I don’t suppose I was ever going to be the reason he changed I hoped his 2 year old daughter may have been though. His ex stopped him seeing her I don’t think that helped him much although I understand her caution. There was lots went on he must have been so unhappy x even then he couldn’t change
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He was in a very difficult place. No one should have to watch their child go through this and have to deal with all of the stuff that goes with addiction. You will come through this Kate, and your family will give you reason and hope, but I know that doesn’t really help you right now.
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sorry to read that jem but lets hope he is starting to realise that only he can get himself out of this.
Remind him that he was capable of having all those good things before and he can again.
My son is doing really well hes still clean and has started his course 3 weeks ago, which he is really positive and focussed about and so i hope it stays that way.
I cant beleive how things have turned around and so there is hope for everyone. Four mnths ago we were in a very dark place.
Im still struggling with my long covid and yesterday diagnosed with skin cancer so Im thankful that at least I dont have to stress too much about my son, as this feels like a year my health needs me to be on top of.
Kate like jem i think of you.
I hope everyone else is doing ok, stay strong and look after yourselves.
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Bump – it’s so good to hear that things are improving for your son. As you say things looked so bad just a few months ago. He’s done brilliantly, what he was on, sounded really tough to come off.
I’m really sorry to hear you have skin cancer, That’s terrible. We’ve had it quite a bit in my family and so far they’ve all been treatable. I hope that you are getting good medical care. Please take care of yourself Bump. Hopefully you’re sleeping better now that you’re not worrying where your son is and what he’s doing.
I went to a pub with my son tonight, we had dinner outside. It was lovely and felt very normal. Today was a good day 🙂
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Hi all, I’ve also been thinking of you all on this thread and wondering how you’re doing.
Kate – i also think and pray for you every day, and it’s only natural that you think of the’what ifs’. You did everything mum could do, but we all know how evil addiction is.
My son is also doing okay at the moment, still managing to stay clean, thank God. I know every day is still a battle for him, but he’s got good support around him. He gets counselling through his work and has opened up about his past and his issues. He has a lot of ocd issues so that explains a lot .
I hope you all manage to find a little happiness in the sunshine and with your grandchildren.
Take care of yourselves
Lx
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Thank you prayers for your son whose doing well. Xx
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Hi All
Apologies not been on here for a while.
Kate1 – my belated condolences to you and your family.
My situation is no different.
My son has a new girlfriend ( a rebound I feel). She comes from a nice family; not sure what they will think when they find out he’s addicted to weed. She knows all about him and has witnessed a few altercations with us.
I had to message her on social media to explain, the way we treat him hasn’t just happened it’s been 5 long years of behaviour.
His routine is –
Work at local express supermarket chain 3pm-11pm; meet friends park up, smoke weed, drive home stoned (gets in 1am or 2am)
Gets up after lunch – repeat or goes out to whoever is around and smokes. The will see his girlfriend. leaves hers or she leaves here t 11pm. Then he meets his friends and smokes, back early hours.
We have said it’s disrespectful to come back waking us up when we have work the next day. Also, irresponsible smoking while stoned.
He sees no wrong – we are the ones who are not taking his lifestyle into consideration.
He’s in debt, recently cleared his savings account to pay off his overdraft and is overdrawn again – repeat!
He has no car, his gearbox is knackered (2nd one now) and somehow his drivers window got smashed saturday night at midnight ( he called us to tell us what had happened; after messaging us the week before telling us he doesn’t need us)
His girlfriend witnessed him talking to us like dirt. He wanted her to sleep at ours, we said they haven’t been together that long and when he starts to tow the line she can.
She arrived at ours at 10.30pm; he got onto her car and they drove off. came back 10 minutes later. We’d already said she couldn’t sleep.
I’d locked the front door and put the key in the lock. I opened the door and I said that she couldn’t sleep. He went ballistic. My husband came downstairs and told him we had pre warned him. He said we were putting his relationship at risk. She walked off to her car. He followed and stayed at hers.
As he left he said I wish you two would drop dead and die a painful death.
I messaged his girlfriend the next day to apologise and to tell her it wasn’t aimed at her – I also told her what he said to us.
She never replies.
We had an almighty row last Sunday. He went to a theme park with his girlfriend (we have said it’s great to do nice things but get out of debt first; he told us if he doesn’t do things with her it will jeopardies his relationship).
My husband text him and said if you don’t come home at a decent time i’m going to put the key in the door. Which he did.
She dropped him home at 10.30pm and he got straight in his friends car, he rolled in at 1am – my husband and he had a massive row, my husband told him he should move out and a few more choice words.
Our son then broke down in tears. My husband went downstairs to find him sat in the kitchen with boxes of paracetamol and ibuprofen.
My husband has blamed me for not having a good relationship with him – I said I’ve seen this before whereby he’s sobbed told me he wants to stop and the following day brought £110 worth of weed.
My husband now feels sorry for him and says we should try and help him more.
So…..
It’s now Wednesday 12.32pm – he’s still in bed, due in work at 3pm. I drop him and no doubt his friend will pick him up.
Monday he was out until 1am, I dropped him at work and his friend picked him up from work at 11pm.
Last night his girlfriend came round they sat in his room, she left at 11pm. he walked her up the drive and then jumped into his friends car and came home at 1am.
My husband cannot see he’s just walking all over us.
Slowly going insane…………….
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How old is your son. That all sounds so familiar. I can’t offer advise I didn’t do to well did I. Drugs are an awful scourge as are the dealers. I would suggest you keep your boundaries in place though. Xx good luck. I would give anything to have my son back but not with his problems. Bless him. I’d want him well x
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Kate1 you did what we are all doing – trying to stop them, help them, guide them; trouble is wee are helpless. The drugs have taken over and they cannot see what downward spiral their lives are taking.
You are so right the dealers draw them in – he got drawn in just after his GCSE’s/beginning of A Levels. I think it gave him a bit of confidence. Then I think he became dependent; self medicating?
He’s just scraped through his degree or so we think – not seen any evidence. He asked for an extension on his dissertation and lots of other modules and says he won’t get his degree until January. I’ve called the University and they’ve told me
they can’t discuss!
He’s 21, 22 in November.
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This takes me back my son was doing an apprenticeship. He got through but didn’t get the grading he wanted. I know they are classed as adults but how can you help them if university won’t discuss. Everything is against us as parents. I got my sons drs records it broke my heart he was asking for help but only got ant depressants he told them he was spending 50 a day on cocaine he had tried to commit suicide three times. Where was the help. Hang in there with your son I pray he gets out of the habit. Some do sadly not my son xx
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Sounds just like what happened with my son. There was nothing I could do to stop him. I miss him so much but not that part of his life. Drugs affected hie relationships with everyone but I loved him. I just couldn’t protect him x
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Hello again everyone. Just checking in and reminding myself how this forum has helped to make me feel less isolated. I am recalling the shared stories and varying degrees of heartbreak. I am thinking of you all and continue to hope and pray for peace for all concerned. Kate 1, thinking particularly of you right now. Your son and you have paid the ultimate price of the horrors of addiction. Words escape me and I am worried about saying the wrong thing. May your son RIP. Sun has just started to shine and I am going out for a walk. Continue to take care of yourselves as much as you can
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Thank you for thinking of us. Time certainly doesn’t seem to be a healer at the moment although the chaos of addiction has left our lives it’s left heartbreak in its place. Life is very odd at the moment. I feel so lonely for my son and guilt that I have been harsh on him. I know we are told to cut off and not enable. I found this difficult but was at the end of my teather he could just not keep away. Xx
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Addiction does wipe the family out. I loved him and I suppose I couldn’t bring myself to cut off completely. So he still worked and had his home thanks to me but I couldn’t see him on the streets.
I will never know if losing everything would have sorted him out or maybe he would have killed himself sooner. We do what we do with love and the best intentions but there will always be what ifs. Personally I think if his job had gone it would have finished him it was his place of happiness where he could forget everything else. I miss him with all his issues and would do anything to turn the clock back knowing what I know now x
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I hope and pray none of you end up in my position. It’s like living in a never ending nightmare. I have spent this morning sobbing. Our addicts are hard work and draining but oh I miss him so much x
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Hi Kate- I’ve been thinking of you often. I know you are hurting, it must be terrible for you. You are clearly in the depths of grief. Crying is actually a very good thing for you when you need to. It doesn’t mean that you are “losing it”, you are deeply grieving the loss of your dear son and it is a release. Cry when it comes if you’re in a safe place to do so. You are entirely normal to miss your son terribly no matter that he had an addiction. He was your baby, and despite their addiction, we moms love them unconditionally forever. Even if some of us have to do it from afar. There have been times where I have hated my son as much as I love him.
You really did everything that you thought best AT THAT TIME. I say that because having an adult child with an addiction is a madness that no one know but us. It was perfectly normal for you to have experienced the range of emotions with this, including raging anger and disgust and wanting to set boundaries to save yourself and your family. That was perfectly appropriate to do so- we moms are human too and we can only take so much.
Did you know that one of the stages of grieving is bargaining? You say to yourself, ‘I’d take him back, addiction and all, just to have him back’. That’s a process of grieving. If I were in your shoes, I can guarantee that I would think the same thing.
Your situation has touched me so deeply. I saw that you loved your son through his addiction up and downs. Because of you, I’m trying harder to do that with my son.
It doesn’t mean that I will disregard my boundaries, they were too hard fought and won. My boundaries have to stay. For me and my son, I’ve learned that I have enabled him, including even with emotions, if you can imagine.
I had to stop enabling him because he was taking zero responsibility for himself and his problems. He’s been sober for a month after another stay in the hospital for withdrawal. These last few periods of sobriety, he’s been willing to admit his role in this whole mess. That’s something new. The future is always a question mark.
How true it is to take things a day at a time! I hope that you will be patient with yourself through all of this. Grief looks different everyday. Sometimes it feels like you’re going backwards, but you don’t. It’s just that some days are harder than others.
Thank you for being there for me during the hard times I’ve had. Your bravery gives me courage. ❤
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Thank you. I don’t feel very brave, I don’t know if my approach has been right or wrong none of us do. I could have been hard and set firm boundaries but this still could have happened and then I would feel worse than I do now. I don’t regret getting him to work it was his happy place and I think if he lost that I would have lost him sooner. I think he recogpcnised there was just no way out and no help out there for him. Mental health are a disgrace as are our lack of drug services. I do know that my son knew how much I loved him and always will xx
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That’s a beautiful comfort that he knew you loved him. ❤️
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Hi Kate, I’ve been thinking about you and your family a lot.
There’s nothing I can say to make you feel better unfortunately, they say time is a great healer.
I hope your little grandchild is a welcome distraction for you.
I wondered if you read the recent thread from Jomd123/advice and guidance. She has recently lost her brother in similar circumstances to your son. She also feels at a loss, and feels helpless.
I’m keeping you both in my thoughts and prayers.
Sending hugs
Lx ❤
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Thank you I will look for thread x
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Jopdm123 – is the thread Kate, next to this one.
Lx
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I can’t find it
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Click onto ‘share your story ‘ above, it’s the thread next to our Theresa thread Kate.
Lx
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What do you mean by “sectioned”? Is that like a form one?
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Hi all
I have been quiet for a long time as I chose to bury my head in the sand for a while and float above the surface of reality. My son has been an addict for about 10 years and is now 27. His cocaine dependency has been a rollercoaster. But after lots of deceit, manipulation, lieing, stealing and total disregard for anything other than cocaine, for the second time in his life he has entered rehab. The first time was to please me and he now tells me he used the day he came out. He had managed to hold down his job this time but got into serious debt with dodgy scum bags. I refuse to pay them off any more, I have reported them to police all be it anonymously. This time he came out of his bedroom crying (again)and said, enough I can’t do this anymore and he’d referred himself to a rehab centre that is funded by universal credits. He has been there for 6 weeks and doing brilliantly, he’s adopted the 12 steps program and I pray with every fibre of my being that this time he will stay clean. The program is for 6 months and he can leave at any time but he wont get a second chance. there are lots of these centres around the UK that work on this basis, I had no idea they even existed!
He’s stopped blaming everyone else and admitted that he chose to use the first time because he felt like it and enjoyed it until the addiction took hold. He has no control over addiction but he can put things in place in his life to guide him through this and maintaining sobriety. I so so so want to believe he will be ok but the reality is we can never be sure.
From a young adult who was having seizures at the amount of cocaine he was putting into his body and not caring if he lived or died, I am immensely proud.
Addiction is a horrid disease and more needs to be in place to educate and help our loved ones. For all of those guys and gals on the street, they are someone’s loved one but addiction has gripped them and in some cases it just never lets go and the disease is too much to overcome. Shame should never be attached to this, it is a disease and the sooner this is recognised the better.
Stay strong lovely people and in all cases do what is right for you and yours, don’t be preached too.
For everyone that has lost someone to this dreadful disease, I send you love and pray that you have the strength to carry on and live your lives xxx
Last of all, thank you all for your love and support over the years, this is truly something that some people just don’t understand and for a long time you were my lifeline. Xxx
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I never heard about those rehabs. Trouble is my son worked but only managed because I helped him get there. Maybe I should have let him lose everything it’s the only way it seems but I have since learnt it was only his job keeping him going. It’s impossible. Mental health didn’t want to know due to the drugs even though he had tried to kill himself three times before
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I had never heard of them either, I think it was pure chance that my son found it. I too could never kick him out because I was too worried where he would be. Mental health and drugs go hand in hand and unfortunately one makes the other worse. I can’t begin to feel what you are going through, broken hearted and lots of unanswered questions, anger at the system and lack of support and care, anger at people’s perception of this awful disease. You are in my thoughts, Kate xxx
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Lou1321 and Bump- I’m so happy to hear your sons are doing better!
My son is only one month sober, but seems to have a much different attitude this time. I’m meeting him for lunch in a few days. It will be nice to be with him sober and himself. I’ll enjoy it as it is. ❤️
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Februarymarie
Enjoy ????❤️
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Lou1321 so plsed tpur son is noe doing well.
My son also nearly 6nths clean but I’d love to hear about those rehab as I’m sure if I ever need then I’ll have forgotten this thread!
So wld be great if u cld share.
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Hi Bump22
They are on the talk to frank website. Click on help and advice , find a support centre, then enter your postcode and then choose rehab from list. Some of these are private but many charity run organisations. They all have a waiting list but my son only waited 3 weeks once he applied.
Delighted to hear that your son is 6 months clean, that’s fantastic x
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Omg I never knew about these
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Hi kate1
It’s so sad that this isn’t more known about. I think more awareness should be raised in these matters, so that the guys that need help know where to look and get help rather than being fobbed off by others. It’s a vicious circle for them.
I used to see talk to frank ads on the tv but I see none now. I think the social media sites should advertise them to spread the word for no charge
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No you are right I suppose addicts are at the bottom of the pile. The rehabs won’t want it spread to much that it’s available as they will be over run. It’s all so sad.
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Yes indeed …I had a support grp with drugfam too and at no point have these been mentioned.
Amazing once the addict decides they are ready to have these options.
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Hi all .
I am a sister who’s brother has been using herion for over 25yrs . My mum is 75 and has reached her limit of mentally being able to deal with it and wanting to deal with it . We lost my dad 5yrs ago .
My brother is 55 & has nothing but the clothes on his back after splitting up with his girlfriend ( who also uses ) .
The problem is we have been enabling his addiction / behaviours for so many years . He’s done rehab / 12 steps & says it’s no good & off he pops and does it his own way until it goes wrong .. & then back to the family for money … but at no point for he take responsibility for his recovery .. he is currrently self detoxing somewhere – we don’t know where & actually wish not to know . The lies / stories are ridiculous it’s like being in a Jeremy Kyle show . Currently I’m lying in bed at this moment with anxiety about him turning up here and having to cal the police to get him removed . At the end of the day he is my brother & my mums son – very difficult to deal with .
I met with the owner of a community rehab today who said that my brother will only ask for help when he’s ready & he has to hit the bottom . My brother has been rock bottom many times – homeless / streets of Blackpool . You name it he’s done it . If we continue to give him £10 here £20 there we only enable it further and prolong the inevitable – his death or recovery .
My brothers mind is irrational and trying to talk to him is impossible – he has no interest in repeating the rehab or the 12 step programme as he says it’s doesn’t work for him .
The owner of the rehab thought that actually I needed to also reach out for support because I am asi now starting to struggle and need to be strong for my mum !!!
Advice / thoughts welcome … ????????
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Hi Hump, welcome to the forum.
Everyone here has a loved one battling addictions, or people in recovery or just reaching out for support.
Such a lot of stress for you and your mum. I agree with the rehab owner, you also need some time to breathe and switch off from the nightmare that is addiction.
Unfortunately I don’t have all the answers, but I totally sympathise with you and what you’re going through. You only have to read this thread to see how addiction has and is affecting our families. (And ourselves)
It’s totally down to your brother to take that first step for support, until then it’s difficult to stand by and not support them somehow.
I stopped giving my son cash. I bought groceries and cigs, sometimes petrol to get him to his AA or CA meetings. It’s the only thing that is working for him atm.
Please take time out for yourselves and look after your own mental health or this addiction will drag you down with it.
Take each minute, hour, day at a time , find time to be good to yourself.
The Icarus trust offers advice and support as does the adfam homepage.
Keep posting, stay strong.
Lx
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It’s exhausting trying to support someone in addiction. We have to feel our way along and do the best we can.
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It’s difficult one thing may work for one not for another. I continued getting my son to work and found out it was his protective factor. Down side it also gave him money. If he’d lost his job which was on the cards it would have finished him. As it was he died but who knows what’s right or wrong. I wanted him to have structure something to get up for. It’s so damn difficult
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I agree Kate. I remember phoning the FRANK support line several months ago, and they couldn’t really advise me on what to do. They pretty much said what you did – different circumstances will need different types of support. Each person with addiction will need a different response to their particular needs.
You supported your son the best you could, and most importantly he knew that you loved him.
Thinking of you and praying you get the strength to get through this difficult time.
Lx ❤
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Agree what works for one doesnt another. One persons rock bottom isnt another’s. All we can do is our best.
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I rack my brains what I could have done different but I know if he had lost everything he would have ended his life sooner. He was failed by so many organisations it’s becoming glaringly obvious the more I dig x
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Agree what works for one doesnt another. One persons rock bottom isnt another’s. All we can do is our best.
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He did know and I knew he loved me. I just miss him so much. Even with his chaos. I will be fighting for things to be put right in his memory. Watch this space. Failed the wrong mother and son x❤️
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You know that you will have all our support in whatever you do Kate.
Take care
Lx
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Hello everyone not been on for a while but have been keeping up with everybody’s stories. It’s great to hear that some are doing well in recovery or taking those steps to beat this awful disease. Kate I still think of you and can’t contemplate the awful grief you must he going through but you did everything you could for your boy who was in such a dark place even his mother’s love wasn’t enough. I pray that one day you’ll be at peace with yourself and remember the time before addiction got a hold of him.
My son managed to stay off of coke for 5 weeks and then the Euros happened! He didn’t go out or watch the football in a pub or venue he watched it at home with us but the atmosphere and euphoria from the final got to him and sadly the next day he used. Within 3 days he’d done £700. I can’t remember if I’ve told you this before but he gambled all his wages so had no money for rent or bills so once again we were in the same situation. We were manipulated and emotionally blackmailed into paying his rent again so we have paid it for the last 3 months. Anyway after this latest episode he said that if he did it again we were to tell his ex so that the punishment would be he would lose his son. That’s the first time he said that. He said he would find support and he did. He has been seeing a drugs counsellor for the last 4 weeks and as far as I know not been using. That didn’t stop him asking for £300 to cover some of his bills that he was catching up on from the previous time 3 weeks ago. Sadly this sent my husband over the top and he had a breakdown. I got him to ring the samaritans and the doctor who were both very good and supportive and managed to talk him down. He’s spoken to a family drugs counsellor who we used to see about 2 years ago but is still struggling and is not sure he will ever get over this. I told my son that things had gone too far now and we couldn’t give him anymore money. It’s obscene the amount he’s had off of us in the last 3 years. Everyday we worry what’s going to happen. Every text or phone call is it going to be bad news again? My husband just wants his life back he’s lost all enthusiasm to do anything he’s in a bad state of depression. It’s so sad that their actions cause us so much pain but we know it’s the addiction causing it. I feel I’m such an expert in addiction now and would not have believed my life would be taking this path. He also told us during his moment of regret because he needed money that he took his first line at the age of 15 confirming he’s been using for 18 years. I’d like to think this is nearing the end now, it seems to be their middle 30s that they’ve had enough.
On a positive note my son’s girlfriend has agreed for him to move in with her at the end of the year but again this is on the proviso that he makes good progress in his recovery. We’ll have to wait and see but I won’t hold my breath.
He’s just called me now to tell me his meeting went well this morning so I have to take that at face value.
Sending love and strength to all of you. Xxxx
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This sounds so familiar. 700 in three days the debts the rent the constant paying out the despair. Addiction is such a dreadful disease it affects the whole family. I hope and pray your boy overcomes it. I wish I could talk to him and tell him where my son ended up and the devestation that has caused. Stay strong xx keep in touch
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Kate you are so right I wish we could talk to them all as a collective and share our experiences and the what the ultimate outcome is if they continue. All we can do is pray they overcome it by reaching rock bottom and recovering. Sadly some addicts tragically don’t make it as you know. You are always in my thoughts xxxx
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So you know that roller coaster ride we all live on? Well we’ve just plummeted down to the bottom at a speed of knots! Once again my son has let us a down badly. He went to the caravan for the weekend with his girlfriend her son and his son but was too wiped out to do Jack shit! We all thought that he was trying to prove himself so he could move in with her at the end of the year. No chance of that now! It seems he used on Thursday, payday, and spent most of the weekend in bed coming down. He was also vile to her and her son on the way home in the car so she quite rightly finished it, again!! So yesterday he got to work and had a breakdown and I mean breakdown. His dad talked him into coming here to calm down and talk which he did and he stayed the night. I have never seen him cry and be as remorseful as he was yesterday. Normally it’s crying and begging for money but not this time it was different. He hasn’t asked for money although he hasn’t got any as once again he’s spent his wages. We’ve told him he will have to give up the flat and move back here. I know what you’re thinking stupid idea but yesterday he was full of regret and can’t believe how he treated his girlfriend and her son saying it was like an out of body experience. I know that’s it for her now as she’s protecting her son. He’s now on the sick from work after yesterday and he knows he could quite possibly lose his job now but I think that would be a good thing. He said this is even worse than when he lost his wife and house and his whole life has been a lie. He’s never given up when we all thought he had. He’s just lied and lied and conned people into believing he had. So now I guess we’ll be on a slow ride to the top of that rollercoaster again. By the way, my husband who’s nerves are shot away with the whole damn debacle was absolutely amazing yesterday and so strong for our son although he was dying inside. Wishing you all big love and strength hoping that you are all ok ❤
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So you know that roller coaster ride we all live on? Well we’ve just plummeted down to the bottom at a speed of knots! Once again my son has let us a down badly. He went to the caravan for the weekend with his girlfriend her son and his son but was too wiped out to do Jack shit! We all thought that he was trying to prove himself so he could move in with her at the end of the year. No chance of that now! It seems he used on Thursday, payday, and spent most of the weekend in bed coming down. He was also vile to her and her son on the way home in the car so she quite rightly finished it, again!! So yesterday he got to work and had a breakdown and I mean breakdown. His dad talked him into coming here to calm down and talk which he did and he stayed the night. I have never seen him cry and be as remorseful as he was yesterday. Normally it’s crying and begging for money but not this time it was different. He hasn’t asked for money although he hasn’t got any as once again he’s spent his wages. We’ve told him he will have to give up the flat and move back here. I know what you’re thinking stupid idea but yesterday he was full of regret and can’t believe how he treated his girlfriend and her son saying it was like an out of body experience. I know that’s it for her now as she’s protecting her son. He’s now on the sick from work after yesterday and he knows he could quite possibly lose his job now but I think that would be a good thing. He said this is even worse than when he lost his wife and house and his whole life has been a lie. He’s never given up when we all thought he had. He’s just lied and lied and conned people into believing he had. So now I guess we’ll be on a slow ride to the top of that rollercoaster again. By the way, my husband who’s nerves are shot away with the whole damn debacle was absolutely amazing yesterday and so strong for our son although he was dying inside. Wishing you all big love and strength hoping that you are all ok ❤So you know that roller coaster ride we all live on? Well we’ve just plummeted down to the bottom at a speed of knots! Once again my son has let us a down badly. He went to the caravan for the weekend with his girlfriend her son and his son but was too wiped out to do Jack shit! We all thought that he was trying to prove himself so he could move in with her at the end of the year. No chance of that now! It seems he used on Thursday, payday, and spent most of the weekend in bed coming down. He was also vile to her and her son on the way home in the car so she quite rightly finished it, again!! So yesterday he got to work and had a breakdown and I mean breakdown. His dad talked him into coming here to calm down and talk which he did and he stayed the night. I have never seen him cry and be as remorseful as he was yesterday. Normally it’s crying and begging for money but not this time it was different. He hasn’t asked for money although he hasn’t got any as once again he’s spent his wages. We’ve told him he will have to give up the flat and move back here. I know what you’re thinking stupid idea but yesterday he was full of regret and can’t believe how he treated his girlfriend and her son saying it was like an out of body experience. I know that’s it for her now as she’s protecting her son. He’s now on the sick from work after yesterday and he knows he could quite possibly lose his job now but I think that would be a good thing. He said this is even worse than when he lost his wife and house and his whole life has been a lie. He’s never given up when we all thought he had. He’s just lied and lied and conned people into believing he had. So now I guess we’ll be on a slow ride to the top of that rollercoaster again. By the way, my husband who’s nerves are shot away with the whole damn debacle was absolutely amazing yesterday and so strong for our son although he was dying inside. Wishing you all big love and strength hoping that you are all ok ❤
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Thinking about you, I know how worried and disappointed you and your husband must be. I really hope this is a wake up call that your son listens to.
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Hi, 68862,
For weeks now I have been wondering whether to write on here, it’s so hard to admit things sometimes and I know people don’t judge at all, it’s just hard.
My Son has also relapsed the last month, and what a change, back to the lying, no money, lost weight, and his temper was absolutely vile. I told him that I couldn’t live that life again and I won’t. He got himself a new girlfriend, thankfully she doesn’t do drugs or anything, but he goes in all guns blazing, just focusses on her and that’s it, I know this is part of the addiction, but it’s awful to watch.
He did admit to me yesterday that he had been doing it again. Last night he cooked the tea, then went on a meeting, which he knows really helps, he said that after 20 mins he realised that the meetings were what he needs.
I hope that he can start again and just go day by day and see that recovery is a better place to be.
Like you I thank god that we have Adfam to come too.
Thinking of everyone, take care.
Dx
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Hi Deb C I’m so sorry to hear your son has relapsed but at least he’s admitted it again and attending meetings. My son does see a councellor and he says he tells her everything but I just don’t know how we will cope with it but we have to. I’m doing ok atm but my husband who was very strong and supportive yesterday is crumbling today. Look after yourself, praying that our boys make it through this time. Xxx
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At least your Son is telling the Counsellor, which I think is a good thing to share it with someone.
I hope your Husband is feeling better today, it is hard to be strong all the time when dealing with all of this, I have days where I could just sit and do nothing, thankfully my job and my Grand daughter keep me going.
Take care both.
Dx
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I’ve thankfully got my grandson too and my daughter and my 4 mth old grandson too. Soon I’ll be back to work after the summer hols so another distraction. It is hard and really you just want to turn your back on them and say your bed you lay in it but I can’t. Oh well keep posting to save our sanity ❤❤
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Oh god this sounds so familiar. Love to you all. You are doing everything you can xx. It’s hard going. I know too well
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Oh it did go through, it kept saying it wouldn’t submit.
Thank you Kate, it’s such a release to be able to talk on here with people that know and don’t judge. I hope each day is getting a little better for you to bare ❤❤❤
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Just keep going. It’s all we can do. When I read the posts it takes me back to our experiences. Sadly it didn’t end well for us. All I can say is keep loving him x
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Kate that’s our problem we love them and we will never stop ????????
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No I know x that’s why we are in such torment
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Oh it did go through, it kept saying it wouldn’t submit.
Thank you Kate, it’s such a release to be able to talk on here with people that know and don’t judge. I hope each day is getting a little better for you to bare ❤❤❤
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Hi all,
I’ve been thinking of you all here often.
68862 – I’m so sorry to hear that your son’s addiction is upsetting the family. It’s so frustrating when you know they could turn their lives around and everyone could just lead normal lives.
Addiction is evil, it just seems to rip the heart out of families. I wish I knew what to say to make things better for you. Hopefully he’s had a fright and will knuckle down and fight this fight. Your lovely grandchildren will be a welcome distraction at this time for you.
Debc – I’m also sorry to hear that your son has relapsed. It’s really frustrating, you kinda get lured into a false sense of security when they’re in recovery, but at the same time, you feel you can never really relax. At least you have work and your grandchild.
I’m glad he’s doing meetings, my son almost relapsed again, feeling sorry for himself, why do I need to do this, or that? Why can’t I do this etc. A CA fellowship guy spoke to him and told him to stop feeling sorry for himself. He hadn’t been to a meeting for a few days and was weakening. I’m sure he’ll get back on the saddle again. As I said to 68862 it’s a battle they fight with addiction every moment of the day, and particularly at weekends. We can only love them, as Kate said, addiction and all.
Stay strong, thinking and praying for us all here.
Lx ❤
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Hi Lindyloo,
So very true when you say you can never really relax, and these days I can sense when he’s not feeling his best and you never know the right thing to say, I’m usually greeted with the words “you don’t understand”, which is probably true, but then they don’t understand how we feel either.
He’s been into another meeting tonight, so hopefully he will continue to do this, he says it really helps, and especially talking to people who know exactly how he is feeling.
I hope your Son gets back into them soon.
Take care.
Dx
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So glad your son has gone to a meeting again Deb, thats definitely progress. I don’t think we’ll ever be able to completely relax again. We’ve told our son that there is no trust now that’s well and truly gone down the swanney. Xxx
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Thanks Lindyloo. It really is such a sad state of affairs that none of us ever imagined when they were at primary this is where they would end up. I’m glad your son was talked down from using again but it is a battle that will be with them for a long time if not forever. Stay strong everyone ❤❤
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I’m new to this thread. I’ve joined because my depression is making me feel suicidal…I cant face waking up. I’m on medication but it’s not helping.
My son is a Ket addict. His father was an alcoholic who died in his sleep when my son was five years old. We both have PTSD because of this event.
My son started taking Ket at uni – to fit in and socialise but quickly became addicted.
It has destroyed our once very close and loving relationship – now he is doing it daily and denying it. He is in his room most of the time, I wish I had somewhere to go but I don’t. My family are very religious and know nothing, his fathers family no nothing, my friends no nothing. I am totally isolated and lonely. I confronted him a couple of days ago and he became aggressive. I just dont know how to communicate with him anymore – he has told all of his friends and girlfriend that I am paranoid because of my dad – but of course I’m not. I see him the way others don’t and his girlfriend is very naive – she believes I am his ‘stress trigger’ because he told her that. So now she hates me and thinks I don’t help. I asked him to move in with her and I would pay – just to get him out of the house and so she could see the level of addiction I have to tolerate – but he won’t. The problem is he owns half of this house due to inheritance – I kicked him out a couple of times last year but he came back. I am grieving for my beautiful blonde haired,blue eyed little boy. I don’t recognise him anymore.
The advice I want is this – he is leaving to do his MA at the end of the month. How do I get through these next few weeks? Because believe me, every minute right now feels like a year and I am sinking fast. Please help me.
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Hi Georgie – you’ve found a good place to be yourself, be real and t get some support. We’re all trying to hang on and with each other, somehow we manage.
I’ve been on my journey with my son for a long time.
Would you consider seeing a counselor? It has helped me so much to keep my sanity.
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Just read your post Georgie.
If u read any of my past posts you will see that we had a terrible time with my son who also became a ket addict and alcoholic at university. Us all the other drugs he took.
I can relate to sk much yoube said the constant being g told it’s my fault him being an aggressive and horrid person to live with. Plus all the other horrid issues we had to deal with
Today my son is 6 mnths clean I didnt think we wld ever get to this point there were times I was suicidal. We still have some problems but he is turning g his life around. So ease just hang in there take each day as it comes. Try and get out the house see friends loved ones ,busy yourself etc until he gets to university. his behaviours and what he says is the crazy mind of an addict and so dont take it personally. Ignore his girlfriend if its anything like my sons ex girlfriend she is probably in it as much as he is and choosing to beleive what she likes. You know the truth and that’s all that matters. You are an amazing mum just hold in in there ….if my sons situation can change I beleive anyone can do it.
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Thank you so much – it means so much what you have written. I will try to take your advice. As for his girlfriend – I have really no understanding of how she can believe him when he barely sees – her because he prefers Ket. She has a beautiful loft apartment and they can be together freely but he prefers to be with his ‘stress trigger’. I wonder when she will realise I have been right all along or if she is just blindly in love – she never reaches out to me and that hurts a lot.
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Hi Georgie as previously mentioned you have come to the right place. We are all mums going through or coming through the hell you’re in at the moment. Nobody judges and we can be as open and honest with each other because we’re all wearing the same t-shirt. I’m not familiar with Ket but from your story get that it’s no different to any other drug, my son is a 33 year old cocaine addict. Please just hang on in there, you are not the reason he takes it but he will blame you and verbally abuse you reducing you to tears. What you have to remember is that this is not your son it is the drugs talking. Its so hurtful and upsetting I know but as mentioned earlier talk to a councellor it will help. My husband talks to a drugs project councellor, I talk to my very close friends at work, you have to talk to someone to get you through this.
My son has been prescribed beta blockers now which helps with the frenzies, cravings and anxiety that cocaine causes. The one prescribed propranolol is known to have helped cocaine dependents. If you read back through my posts you’ll see what an awful time we’ve had of it, the emotional blackmail, the begging for money, the vile verbal abuse we’ve had, the list goes on.
Anyway I hope you stay on this site it really does help. Stay strong xx
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My son was a cocaine addict, he tried to commit suicide three times due to desperation, all his money went to dealers and he could not stop himself. I read these posts and I get transported back to how it was. Stay strong, I pray he finds his way through this. X
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Thank you Kate, I think of your son often when I look at my boy and I’ve even told him about your son. xxx
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If your son could see the absolute devastation my sons death has caused. If he could feel for one second the pain I and my daughter feel. If he could hear my two year old grandaughter asking for her daddy maybe just maybe it would stop him in his tracks. X please god
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I think on some level, his girlfriend doesn’t want to know that there is something serious going on with your son.
For me, it’s not so much that I would ever commit suicide, it’s just that so many times, I just haven’t wanted to be around any more. I just wanted the pain to stop. I still get that feeling, like I did the other day when I posted. I just get tired of the sadness of it all and I wish that part of it would end and I would not have to carry around a private sorrow all the time. I’m feeling better and stronger today. I just have my moments and that’s why I’m so happy I have this forum.
You must know that it is NOT your fault. He blames you because that’s what the addicted brain does. Bump is right, that’s not your son talking. It has taken me a couple of years now to tune him out when he talks like that while intoxicated, and know that it is not me personally. My son has told me himself when sober, to not listen to him when he’s like that. He did it just today with a rude text because he is not sober right now, and I just told him I love him and stopped texting him.
It’s not easy being a single mom with these addicts. There are a few of us here. My son and daughters lost their dad too when they were small, and he was an alcoholic too. I’m sure this has played a part in my son’s addiction.
But, Georgie, you did the best you could under terrible circumstances and there are plenty of kids who lost their parents who don’t become addicts.
One of the things that we are all working on, is focusing more on ourselves. It’s not easy- having an addict consumes every corner of your life it seems. But, I’m sure, like me, you have a lot of people who love you and care about your well- being and want you around.
Hugs to you…..❤
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Thanks for this Februarymarie – I think you are right, it’s the feeling of just not wanting to be here but not suicidal. It’s exhausting getting through the day feeling sorrow and depression.
As for his girlfriend – she must be burying her head in the sand because it’s just easier than confronting him. She wants me to deal with the tough stuff because she’s not strong enough and doesnt really care about me. I’ve thought about her a lot lately and I think she is very jealous of our relationship because we’ve been very close all of his life. When he’s not here he texts me constantly and I think this riles her, so maybe she is glad this situation is affecting our relationship – because she is hoping that eventually he will come to her.
I wish she understood it would be so much better if we worked as a team to support him.
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Your son won’t be able to hide it from his girlfriend forever. With my son, it was his girlfriend at that time that was starting to express concerns about his drinking and at the time I wasn’t seeing it. He was living with her though, not me.
One of the hardest things, is that it is really difficult to get everyone on the same page in order to try and help them. Everyone has a very different idea of what they think is the right way. And really, the most crucial piece is them, because they are really the only ones that make the change anyway.
His sisters won’t talk to him right now, because he’s often not nice when he drinks. He thinks that’s terrible of them, he said so today. I try not to get stuck in the middle, but it happens all the time. Sometimes I wish they would so it wasn’t always on me but every person has their own limit. He alienates himself when he drinks and right now I’m the only person he connects with. It’s sad, he’s lonely and misses his family, but he just can’t be around his nieces and nephews in this state, so I get where my daughters are coming from. I just wish he had more support than me. Then there’s his grandmother (my first mother-in-law) who gave him his small inheritance early. It’s close to being used up. She knows his problems and still did it, and now it’s just enabled him for the last two years.
I’ll bet his girlfriend is going to be coming to you in no time wondering what to do….
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Well yesterday he sent me two very long messages a few minutes before I was due to start work. Perfect timing.
The first saying that his therapist was prepared to talk to me and that he would also be getting a legal certificate to say he’s clean. He is definitely not! and hasn’t been and how can she justify that when she’s never even met him. How can all these people believe all this stuff?
The second message was to tell me that I am derisory and manipulating and constantly cause him to relapse – so why is he living here?
Anyway, looks like the penny has dropped and he is going to stay with his girlfriend until he starts his MA. I hope if I am the cause he can really get clean – and then I will start to take a really hard look at myself.
All he did really was lay the blame at my feet and tell me the addiction is a symptom of our relationship. And all I’ve ever done is want the best for him, so I have to give up because it could be years before he matures enough to see what I have had to endure in my childhood/adulthood and as a wife/partner.
I just sent a text telling him I love him and will work on myself too. Otherwise this will constantly escalate into arguments and relapse.
Could I ask you lovely ladies one question – he told me I could ring his therapist and she would be happy to talk to me about the CBT he has been having. I don’t really want to – but what do you think? I’m worried I’ll say all the wrong things and in general I think it’s slightly immoral talking to someones therapist. But I will have to give him a reason…
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He would need to give permission for her to talk to you and what can she say. She doesn’t know if he’s using. Tell him you love him you are pleased he is doing well and wait and see. By the way he’s talking to you i would guess he is not clean and deep down you know that
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Hi Georgie once again its blame and not responsibility. You are not forcing him to be the person he is or take the Ket. Yes there may be issues that he has to deal with but that’s NOT your fault. His addiction is purely down to him. We’ve never forced our son to do coke, he chose to do it and once it got a hold he it was everyonearound him, us, his ex wife his nan dying. When he took his first line was I there saying go on it will be great for you? No he was with a load of lads having fun at the rugby club! Your son wanted to fit in, you didn’t start this process and you are not the reason he is still doing it. He’s an addict and needs to admit it. Regards his therapist I’m not so sure this sounds legit and I’ve never heard of a legal document to confirm someone’s clean xxx
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Fellow mum here, have been on here for about a year after finding out my son had been taking crack, cocaine and heroin. He’s 28 and has been taking drugs since about 14 we think. He hasn’t settled at all in life and has breakdowns every 3/4 months, he also had ADHD diagnosed recently. We’ve been there for him though a lot, his mate committed suicide when he was 19 as he thought there was no way out of heroin. We usually drop everything to find him, usually in a drugs stupor feeling very sorry for himself. He has amassed thousands in debt and has lied and stole from family members including elderly grandparents. We do not love the drugs but we love our son, a lot. Last year was a turning curve for me, when I found out about his heroin and crack I went into the depths of depression and tears and sobbed every day for about a month, it felt like a bereavement and it affected my health and I even had suicide thoughts also. But depression knows when you are down and feeds from negativity – I can see that now and thankfully bought myself back with context and practical thoughts. My son became homeless and asked to live with me, but I said no and this was one of the most difficult things I have ever had to deal with. He was found on the streets busking by his uncle who cleaned him up and gave him a bed, he eventually went to live with his dad and got back on track. Started taking AHD medication that provided stability, got himself a job that he loved. His recovery journey has been very up and down, he relapses every 3 months – we know the signs now. He gets withdrawn, stops talking to me and texting me, and finally asks me for money, usually starting with small amounts, then bigger with blackmailing stories behind them, then desperation. We have created a network of support – his drug support workers, his dad, me his mum, his best mate and grandparents. We all watch out for the signs and jump immediately, otherwise he falls over. When he is off drugs he actually likes life and sees his worth which is really lovely to see. He takes lovely photos of sunsets as if hes just seen them for the first time. He relapsed again over the past 6 weeks, I recognized the signs and patterns of behavior immediately. I’m not desperate anymore, I need to be strong for my son, I have a sort of acceptance of his recovery. I know its very painful for him during this stage. I hope he has learnt coping strategies and learnt not to lose faith, he knows how to get back to life and understand there will be blips. I read this forum and all the stories on this thread give me support in a background way. Thank you. I wish I could offer more support than just sharing my strategy. I don’t know if it’s right or wrong, it’s just my way.
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Hi Halo I’m sorry about your son and your story is all too familiar. How you were is how my husband has been. He struggles terribly with the fact his son is a drug addict, they were quite close when he was younger. I’m glad you’ve got strategies in place I just wish there was one big fix for all of them. I too am strong but sometimes I lose my shit because he doesn’t seem to care about the sacrifices we’ve made for him emotionally and financially until he has a massive breakdown like he did last week. My son has lost all his friends, his marriage and home and only has me his dad and his girlfriend close to him so we are the ones who hurt the most when he relapses like he did 2 weeks ago. Even having his son who is 3 now didn’t stop him. I don’t know where it will all end maybe the beta blockers will help but we’ll still be here as always picking up the pieces because he’s our son. Stay strong x
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Kate I wish he could too. It’s an awful tragedy you and your family have gone through and I’m really very sorry. My son had a massive breakdown last Monday and actually rung his GP which he would never do before hence why he is on beta blockers now. I hope that they at least calm his anxiety and cravings before it is too late for us too. You’re always in my thoughts, Sending lots if love to you and your family. Xx
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What beta blocker is he on. Is it proven with cocaine just wondered as I have meeting with nhs mental health and drug team this afternoon. I hope it’s a turning point for your son x
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I know but he wants to get an assessment for ADHD but needs to be clean. So maybe that’s why he gets a medical and declared clean – I don’t know.
He has given her permission to talk to me but I just dont want to have a conversation in case I get angry with her. He said I could go to the clinic with him and meet her when he gets his assessment. That might be easier for me, I will see how I feel.
I think his addiction is related to friendships and not fitting in – and as you say I never offered him that first line – his friends did.
I’m not going to argue anymore with him – maybe with his girlfriend and once he moves away he can see things more clearly. I’m not perfect but he makes me sound like a witch – god knows what he’s told his friends and partner about me.
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I know but he wants to get an assessment for ADHD but needs to be clean. So maybe that’s why he gets a medical and declared clean – I don’t know.
He has given her permission to talk to me but I just dont want to have a conversation in case I get angry with her. He said I could go to the clinic with him and meet her when he gets his assessment. That might be easier for me, I will see how I feel.
I think his addiction is related to friendships and not fitting in – and as you say I never offered him that first line – his friends did.
I’m not going to argue anymore with him – maybe with his girlfriend and once he moves away he can see things more clearly. I’m not perfect but he makes me sound like a witch – god knows what he’s told his friends and partner about me.
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Rough weekend. My son has been trying to get sober off and on the last few weeks. He tells me that he keeps trying to be that person who can be a moderate drinker and it never works.
He called me at 3:30 in the morning the other night and sounded awful and paranoid. (This always seems to happen, me and my husband were leaving the very next day for a weekend away to see some fall color in the mountains near us).
He admitted that he drank too much and he was freaking out because somehow he got back to his apartment and woke up the next day and thought that he had fallen, but then thought (and still does) that he got beaten up right outside his apartment in the hallway. He has been worried for some time because he’s fairly certain that the woman in the apartment next to his is a drug dealer. He says people are coming and going all the time so he complained to the landlord and now he thinks that maybe her and her boyfriend may have beat him up while he was drunk. The problem is, he can’t remember anything. He told me he has a black eye and bruises on his body.
I talked to him for two hours on the phone trying to calm him down. He was completely irrational when I talked to him last week. He wanted my husband to come and get him in the middle of the night and take him “somewhere”, I assume back to our house, and hire him a lawyer! He asked me to tell no one, because he can’t remember anything and he says people will just think he was drunk. He called me the next morning as I’m packing nd I told him so, and he said this is very important! Anyway, we left and I tried to have a nice time but worried about him because I have no idea what to think.
I just talked to him a half hour or so ago, and he apologized, that he is certain that he has a concussion and that is why he was irrational. (He did not go the doctor).
He’s frustrated with me because he feels that I “lectured” him when we talked because he says these unlucky things always happen to him and I pointed out the drinking doesn’t help things go right.
I’ve been very anxious today. I think that time is running out for him with his degree and he is running out of money and I anticipate that he will expect to come to my home. I just can’t do it. I can’t physically handle it and I’m pretty sure it will destroy my marriage.
I feel like he is emotionally blackmailing me. And yet, it’s awful that he is hurt.
Just had to vent…..????
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Can I just ask if you are sure it’s just alcohol he is using. It’s just the paranoia sounds so similar to incidents I had with my son who was on cocaine.
We would jump from one crisis to the next it was never ending and it would normally happen at a time I was planning to go away or do something nice for me. I can’t offer useful advice because as I’m sure you know until they want things different it won’t happen. May not help if he’s living right near a dealer though and is it possible he owed money and that’s why he was beaten up
It’s an awful situation no parents should have to bear. Thinking of you
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Can I just ask if you are sure it’s just alcohol he is using. It’s just the paranoia sounds so similar to incidents I had with my son who was on cocaine.
We would jump from one crisis to the next it was never ending and it would normally happen at a time I was planning to go away or do something nice for me. I can’t offer useful advice because as I’m sure you know until they want things different it won’t happen. May not help if he’s living right near a dealer though and is it possible he owed money and that’s why he was beaten up
It’s an awful situation no parents should have to bear. Thinking of you
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Hi Kate- he’s told me he also uses marijuana when he has anxiety. Marijuana is legal where we live, so he wouldn’t have to go to a dealer for that. I truly don’t know if he’s using anything else- addicts lie. Anything is possible at this point, he’s such a mess. I’m pretty sure if he’s using other drugs, it’s going to come out somehow.
I thought I had a pretty good handle on things, but I guess I don’t always. There just always seems to be excuses as to why he can’t do something or complete something. Maybe he truly does have a concussion, he didn’t go to a doctor as he should have, but there’s nothing I can do about it. It just seems like it’s yet another reason to not do the work he needs to do for the PhD that’s slipping away. There’s no way that the PhD is ever going to happen. He was supposed to meet with his director through Zoom last week and canceled. Saw that coming.
He actually had the nerve to say, “I thought that family is there for you when you’re down.” He said he doesn’t understand what he’s done that no one but me will talk to him. Really??
I’ve even had the thought that he’s making all this up because he’s setting up a scenario where he thinks I’ll be forced to take him in, but he’s mistaken there. I know that I can’t physically, mentally or emotionally have him here. I’m just dreading what’s coming..
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Hi all
I’ve been thinking of you all and keeping us all and our boys in my prayers.
February Marie- I’m so sorry to hear that your son is putting you and your family under pressure. Addiction is such an ugly disease.
Kate1 is right, let him know that you love him but you and you family have a right to live your lives without worrying about what’s going to happen next.
I think the cocktail of alcohol mixed with drugs can confuse them and cause paranoia especially if they’ve been using for a while . I agree, it would be hard to let him come home, it wouldn’t be fair on you all. You have your own health and well-being to consider.
I wish I had all the answers February, just wanted to know I’m thinking of you. Stay strong.
Sending hugs ❤
Lx
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Thank you Lindy Loo- I always appreciate your kind words. I’ve been quite down today which is why I reached out to you all.
I’ve already decided that I’m going to meet up with him and have a heart to heart with him so that he has a clear expectation of how things will be come this December. December is when his school will officially cut him off for non-completion of his work. I have to remind myself of all I’ve done for him for 10 long years, the money I’ve spent for him that I didn’t always have, the summers he lived with us and laid on the couch and didn’t work, and caused a lot of heartache drinking in our home. Many years back, I’m embarrassed to say that I even helped him pay for an Invisalign retainer to straighten his teeth in the hopes of boosting his self esteem and thinking that might give him confidence. I’ve done so many things…
I need to remind everyone that he is 39 years old- 40 in January- certainly not a child, or even a young adult.
I want him to know where I’m coming from and give him time to pull it together which I don’t have a lot of confidence that he will. He still thinks that he’s a victim of this disease and that’s he’s very unlucky, and that his family should care for him as they would a sick person. It’s all terrible as all you dear people know.
I’ll keep you all posted.
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I hope and pray the meeting goes well for you February Marie.
You know you will always have our support here.
Take care, stay strong
Lx ❤
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Can I just ask if you are sure it’s just alcohol he is using. It’s just the paranoia sounds so similar to incidents I had with my son who was on cocaine.
We would jump from one crisis to the next it was never ending and it would normally happen at a time I was planning to go away or do something nice for me. I can’t offer useful advice because as I’m sure you know until they want things different it won’t happen. May not help if he’s living right near a dealer though and is it possible he owed money and that’s why he was beaten up
It’s an awful situation no parents should have to bear. Thinking of you
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Sorry my message keeps repeating. It all sounds so familiar. Addiction is a dreadful illness and it is an illness all we can really do is stand by and watch it unfold until they choose a different path. Sometimes that never happens because the addiction is to strong. I’m sure you know all this the one thing I know for sure is make sure he knows you love him but these are his choices.
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Thank you Kate. Hugs to you for all you’ve been through. ????
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Reading all the posts are so heartbreaking. Being able to relate to what everyone is going through in one way or another be it past or present or fear for the future.
How much I ask is down to our loved ones personality?
When i hear time and again from you all what I also hear from my son ..that we are to blame….they blame us is just heartbreaking and now my son is 7 mnths clean and yet i still get the abuse..the emotional blackmail that if I dare suggest he gets a job contributes to the house I am accused of stressing him and triggering him to relapse…. just pure blackmail.
I used to blame the addiction for his past abuse but sadly I. Seeing that clearly that isnt the case and that actually I think he enjoys the label of addict to enable him to behave this way.
I’m sorry if I offend anyone by saying this and if i seem cold and unloving but given what I have had to endure for years and the constant worry and yet support weve given him I still cant beleive that I live on eggshells in my own home.
The Scottish government are talking about decriminalisation class A drugs… on the one hand I’ve always felt that this is a good thing so addicts can get support and help rather than a criminal record but then where is the consequence of ones actions?
So many of our loved ones continue to play victim and blame those around them and even a recovering addict like my son uses his label as emotional blackmail and abuse.
I feel trapped in a horrid nightmare. Is it much to just want to be treated with love and respect from the people who we worry endlessly over and bail out to the point we have no money for our own happiness.
Sorry rant over !
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Hi Bump
It’s good to hear that your son is 7 months clean. I understand it must be so difficult when your son is mean and disrespectful to you. As a mum It’s so hurtful. I know that you are a great mum. As I said to February, the drugs and alcohol have probably caused paranoia and confusion. I’m sure he’s still there. My son is still thankfully in early recovery, but is quick to fly off the handle at the slightest thing, and still gets aggressive sometimes. He also has paranoia.
I hope you’re feeling better physically, I know this long covid is a nightmare. I’m feeling stronger but not looking forward to the colder weather. Please look after yourself. I think and pray for is all daily.
Sending hugs ❤
Lx
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Hi Bump, your situation is really what I am trying to avoid. Your son is much younger than mine, and I/we have done so much for him over these long years. I understand having him in your home as he gets back on his feet. I also don’t want to be a prisoner of his problem in my own home.
This has happened to us over the summers that he has stayed. I have an autoimmune disease that has gotten worse these last few years with his problems. And that’s with him not even living with me. It’s the stress and pain of his addiction.
My son also threatens that he’ll relapse if he gets triggered and I’m sure he has relapsed over things the family has said or done. I used to feel so bad about that, but really, we can’t possibly know what will trigger them and sometimes it’s nothing. There’s so much emotional manipulation with addiction, and I’m sure we moms get it the worst because we are soft-hearted with our kids.
I do know that even when they get clean (and kudos to your son for doing so for 7 mos!), they still have that addict mentality to work through. For alcoholics they call it “wet brain” where even though they are sober, they still have an addicted type brain with the fog, and paranoia etc.
I think there are probably people who think I’m mean-hearted too because they hear me say that I just can’t take him in my home. The farther along you get in this journey, for me- 10+ years, the more you feel different about that. I’m still there for him, we talk/text fairly often and I still plan to be there for him emotionally and spiritually. I love him so much, he’s my first-born child and my only son.
I will help him find the resources if he truly can’t get it together. I’ve talked to many people here who have been through this with an addicted love one, and in my area there is help if they reach out and use it. They don’t have to be on the street. They have halfway houses, shelters, counseling etc., if they are willing. We have several shelters where you can sleep and you have to leave during the day. We also have ones where you can stay, but you have to be sober and there is the real crux of the problem.
So truly, if my son were to end up there, he would be rejecting all the services that are there for him. But I’m sure those places aren’t pretty, and there are some hard-core people there, but it doesn’t have to be the street.
I love my son as much as all these mothers do. I don’t want this for him. I don’t want him living at a halfway house or shelters with scary people. When I imagine him on the streets, I break down sobbing. I just know for my son, if he comes here, he’ll never change. He’ll have a million reasons why he can’t get a job, or he’s sick, and on and on, and he’ll eventually wear out his welcome as he did every summer and we’ll eventually ask him to leave. And I’ll suffer in my own home which should be where I go for comfort from life.
When he started having problems with drinking in his PhD program, I told him to come home and start over. I flew out to where he was living to “save” him, I rented a big truck, and drove the two of us 1,700 miles in a winter storm at -6.66 celsius back to my home. He was drunk when I arrived to get him, and detoxed the whole drive. (Looking back, I enabled him by taking care of everything for him.) He lived with us for several months when he got here and didn’t do anything, so we had to urge him out to start his life. That’s when his grandmother gave him his small inheritance early even though I told her not to. And here we are 3 1/2 years since he’s been back here and a thousand tears later and the rest you all know the story..
Rant away any time you need to Bump, I just did!
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Everything you say takes me back, there is no easy way out. It doesn’t matter what we do we can’t help them. Addiction is so evil it not only takes our loved ones but hurts the rest of the family. I know people say it’s their choice but I think by the time they are addicted their choices are limited. I look back now and rip myself apart with what ifs. What is i had cut him out of my life…..like professionals told me to……no I would never have forgiven myself. You are doing right love him, tell him you love him but protect yourself. It’s so easy to be drawn into their chaos. The one thing I know is my son knew he was loved even when I had to try to be hard when he made his choices.
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Hi All,
I for one am fed up to the back teeth of bloody Addiction, it brings nothing but heartbreak and stress. I know it’s an illness, but I also think it’s about making choices too.
I get told all the time that “I don’t understand”, of course I don’t, but I do try and support him the best I can, but last night cold stone sober and no drugs he was vile and I am not being spoken to like that by anyone, and today he expects me to be normal and asks what’s wrong, I really don’t know if I can do this anymore, as you all know it’s very wearing.
I should be enjoying life not thinking can I go out and leave him on his own, it’s pathetic.
Sorry to rant, but I know this is the place that I can and won’t be judged because you all understand.
Like others have said it is hard sometimes to sit down and write on here, but thank god we have Adfam.
Take care everyone.
Dx
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I don’t know what it is with the nastiness. My son would get like that. I look back over our messages and he could be horrible but I came across as nagging. I see that now but when we are in their middle of this chaos you get tired of it so so tired. I agree it is a choice they make but also a Illness that permeates every part of their body and mind. These substances are evil and the people who peddle them deserve really harsh punishments for the misery they cause. I read everyone’s stories and all but a few pieces of their lives it could be any one of us. God help our addicts and us
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P.S. Rant as much as you need to!
Lx
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Thank you kate for your words.
How are you and ypur family bearing up?
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Up and down to be honest, sometimes I can pretend he is still just down the road and then I remember and it’s gutwrenching. I read all the posts and remember this was how our lives were, I read back over messages where I am constantly nagging him and getting no where. My life is quiet now, no texts asking for something. I miss him so much, I hated seeing him suffer though and he was suffering, those people would have never left him alone. I question if I could have done things differently, I still don’t know the answer to that. I know I loved him and he loved me. That’s all I do know
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Hi everyone,
Kate – I think of you every day and know that nothing is going to take that pain away, but hopefully in time it will be more bearable – I’m sorry I know how saying that doesn’t help now. I think you have a really good and honest perspective on your son’s situation. He was in a bad place but I don’t see that there was anything that you could have done to solve
this.
Februarymarie – I can’t imagine 10 years of this – I’m 5 years in, I’m so sorry. Your son was doing a PhD and had so much promise, its very hard to make sense of it all but you’ve been amazing in what you’ve done to try and help him.
Bump – I can remember getting so excited when my son came off H previously and expecting things to be easier, and the problems just changed. There was a lot of pain and bitterness that was directed at me – I guess you vent at the person you know loves you enough to take it. Your son has done brilliantly to get to 7 months down the road. Its full on when they live with us, there is no escape for us and we never get to fully relax. This with your long covid must be so hard for you. Like you, if I suggest getting a job or contributing I am made to feel that I am making his problems so much worse.
I’ve thought about you all so much over the last few weeks and have wondered how everyone is doing. I’ve not been on here because sometimes its just all too depressing to write about.
My son is still with me, still addicted to heroin, but really wanting to get off. The local addiction services are not fit for purpose. My son’s key worker is about 12 and has probably not taken anything stronger than a wine gum, which means that the advice and things he says to my son, are often ridiculous. To get on a methadone program (which has its own drawbacks, in that methadone is even harder to kick than heroin) you have to go to the addiction services 3 consecutive weeks in a row for a urine test to prove that you are using heroin. I know that probably sounds easy, but we continually get the first of 3 urine tests and then he doesn’t turn up to the next one, because he’s changed his mind.
During lockdown and beyond, because I live so far from where my son was living and working, he has become very isolated. He doesn’t come out of his room much, and doesn’t really get involved any more with cooking or any kind of chores. He wrecked a bedroom in the house which became full of flies and then moved to a nicer guest room. This is my partner’s house, so you can imagine how that went down. My son couldn’t make any connection between the stink in his room, his lack of personal hygiene and the flies. Then there were flies in the next bedroom after a while. I felt unable to order him back to the other room, and have now started redecorating it, with no offer of help from him. My son is 31 years old!
He is still buying H online and that uses all of his benefit. Last week he begged for £700 because he needed to order before his cash came in. The week before that he needed £180 for something (can’t remember) and 2 weeks before that £150.
This weekend he is at a festival which I have had to drive him to. He isn’t really well enough to cope with camping so I’ve booked accommodation for both of us, so that he can experience the festival, see his old friends and then come away when he’s ready. Last night I picked him up at 1 am. Tonight he wants to stay until 2 am and kicked off when I said it needs to be around midnight, because the accommodation is over 20 miles from site – turned out there was a really big event this weekend so there is nothing apart from in towns a good few miles away, unless you want to pay £300/night.
There are problems between my partner and my son, as you can imagine. There is fault on either side, and on my side, none of us have acted perfectly here. He now sees his only way of getting off as me renting him a flat in the city where he used to live and work (he didn’t hang out with other heroin users, but plenty of party people using other stuff). He’d like me to move there with him for 6 months to help him. I am so scared of him going back by himself, because his mental health is so fragile and he doesn’t have the capacity now to take care of himself. But where we are is very rural and deeply isolating for him. Am thinking about saying, I will rent a flat locally for you for 6 months in a small town near us, and then if you show you can make that work, we’ll help you to resettle in the city.
I had some counselling last week which helped but after having my son with us since June 2020 I just feel all out of strength and ideas. I am struggling now to hold it together at work. I go to meetings and find it so hard to string sentences together and come up with plans that make sense.
I’ve looked at rehabs and think he would really benefit because while getting off they wouldn’t let him just lie in bed all day. He’d have to start to function again.
I’m sorry for this being so long. I thought that maybe others were doing okay and that gave me hope, but it looks like we are all still struggling with the same things.
Lindyloo – I hope things are still good for you, it would be great to hear good news.
Thank you for listening x
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Jem I’m sorry to read this.
You’ve had a tough time.of it .I think as humans we u underestimate how.much we can cope with just hang in there.
Tpu did make me laugh about his key worker and the wine gum comment!
It’s so true sometimes it’s so frustrating when the people helping them have absolutely no clue what’s so ever.
What kate said resonated with me we do these things because we love out sons and we wld never forgive ourselves if we didnt support and love them.
This forum is great to let off steam like u jem I go through phases of not writing g as like u I find it too hard and depressing but I do think of u all all the time.
So praying we all find inner strength I know my position has changed and alot better so u shld be counting my blessings.
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Hey everyone like Jem not been on for a while but reading everyone’s posts I know we’re all in this together however much we feel alone. Everyone is at different stages of their son’s addiction but we can all resonate with each other as we go through our individual story. My heart goes out to each and everyone of you my Adfam family because you are like that friend we don’t see for ages but is always there in times of trouble.
My son has supposedly been clean for about 3 weeks now but last Saturday he had a massive seizure. We’re not sure if it is epilepsy (I started having seizures at about his age 33) or cocaine related. The sad thing is it was his weekend to have his son and he was blacked out for a good hour before alarm bells started ringing with his ex who was trying to get hold of him. My poor little grandson was sat as good as gold on the sofa watching scooby doo. We think he might have witnessed it as he said “daddy was dreaming in his pants” ????. After sorting the little one out and comforting him we had to call an ambulance as my son couldn’t move. He’d bitten down so hard on his tongue he couldn’t talk and it was so swollen. 12 hours later an ambulance arrived and he was given gas and air and morphine for the pain. They did a CT scan and were sure he’d had a seizure.
I’m not happy with the hospital though as they discharged him high on morphine without checking his back. Over the week he hasn’t been able to move hardly and we’re convinced he’s fractured his back which can happen if you have a grand mal so he’s going back to A&E to get an x-ray. I don’t know if this is the wake up call he needed we can only hope and pray it is.
Love and hugs to everyone ❤
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Lets pray it’s his wake up call.xx
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I hear ya debc….that is my life too and yes I agree there are choices I do sometimes think calling addiction an illness gives them an excuse to do it.
So yep agree on all that.
None of us deserve the crap we have to deal with.
Hang in there and make sure to set aside time for yourself and take care of yourself.
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Amen Kate- we are all different people, yet one and the same. We’re all part of a club that none of us wants to belong to.
Love you all. ♥️
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Hello friends, it’s me again. Yet another rough weekend. Last week I called my son to check in with him and he seemed good. He asked about me which is very rare, and because the conversation seemed fine, I told him I was going to visit his sister and my grandkids for the weekend. Big mistake..
The texts started the night before I left, and then emails started coming in to me, my husband, his sisters, my sister, his grandparents and strangely, the son-in-law of his step-grandfather who has at times tried to help him. They were all emails about how we judge him and how hurtful it is to him to label him an alcoholic, and then he started to say that this is his last word and that death is near.
Well you can imagine that the phone calls started come in to me the whole weekend. Me and everyone else were very worried. I reached out to him and he said everybody dies and other nonsense and just downplayed the whole thing.
Of course, we could not just let this go. His sister reached out to him by text, and they got into it. He said similar things to her and she called me, so I told her to call the authorities to do a wellness check on him.
Within an hour, he called me just furious that his sister had called the police on him! I told him that you have been talking death etc., and that I stand by what she did. He said that we all should know him better than that and that he was just talking metaphorically!! We argued for a good hour until midnight, and I had to fly out the following morning. He ruined my trip. I tried to be myself with my daughter’s family, but I’m human. He then sent an apology the following morning. His sister who called the police, was so mad after all that, that she texted him and said that he is toxic and she is blocking him. His other sister, the one I visited, hasn’t unblocked him since last spring, so she wasn’t receiving the emails. But she could tell something was wrong with me and everyone was calling me so I told her what was going on. I was talking to my sister the whole time and she was so angry at the nasty things he said in his email, some directed specifically at her, that she told me she is blocking him. His grandparents were calling me concerned. The son-in-law was contacting the grandparents because of his death threats. My husband was in the mountains and didn’t see or read any of this.
And now I’m left holding the ashes. He texted me last night and he is still angry at his sister and says we’re all judgmental and says that his emails about all of us are ‘truth’. He takes no responsibility for the things he said, except to say it’s from the concussion from when he got beat up (from my last post).
I’m completely exhausted.
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Hi Februarymarie I’m really sorry that you’ve had all of this to deal with and your trip to your daughter ruined. I honestly don’t know what to say but it’s not your son talking, but his addiction. As a mum it’s so hard for us to ignore their messages and pleas and so many days that should be a bit of relief for us are spoiled. It’s terrifying when your child threatens suicide. I wish there was something I could say. I’ve been reading some of the literature on the Fam-anon about being there to support but letting them fight their own battle. I don’t have the solution but am trying to not let myself be continually tipped over by my son’s addiction. I hope that things are calmer for you now xxx
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Hi February Marie, like Jem I can only reiterate what’s been said, especially about needing to fight their own battles.
I just wanted you to know that I’m thinking and praying for us all here. I know it’s easier said than done, but you do need to look after yourself or you’ll go round in circles with it all.
It’s the addiction talking, it makes them so selfish and unfeeling, im sure your boy is still there somewhere. Let him know you love him but hate the addiction and that goes with it. I’m sure you’ve probably tried and said everything.
Sending you hugs and strength to get through this February Marie.
Lx ❤
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Hi Februarymarie,
Thinking of you and sending positive thoughts, it is so very hard at times.
Take care.
Dx
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Hi February I’m so sorry things don’t seem to be getting any better for you or your son. You are on that rollercoaster that never seems to stop to let us off. Thinking of you and your family, stay strong. Xx
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Thank you Jem and Lindyloo. Your kind words mean a lot. I know it’s the addiction talking, it’s just hard when now, the majority of the time, this is the person I deal with. His brain is not right, so it’s nearly impossible to reason with him.
My daughter that I visited told me she was worried about me. She said I looked wiped out, tired, and have lost my sparkle. Hard to hear, but I know it’s true.
I told him I loved him last night and now I need a break to try and rejuvenate. As I’ve mentioned before, he’s imploding, so there’s more to come.
You all help me a lot- thank you.
I hope all your sons are doing better.
♥️♥️♥️
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Hello everyone,
I wanted to give you an update on my son. The past three months have been the worst of times. He is in a really bad way now. My son has suffered so much. All I know at this point is that he was found on the ground by a stranger, I think. Naloxone was administered and he was taken to hospital.
He is in the ICU unit after emergency surgery: a craniectomy. It’s touch and go, but his prognosis isn’t good. I am lying awake at home terrified in case my phone rings and it really is that terrible call we are one way or another all waiting for. No one is able to tell me how he acquired the initial head injury. He may have overdosed and fallen badly. He may have been assaulted again by a dealer. I just don’t know. I haven’t slept and it’s 6am. I’m struggling to move to go shower and get myself back to the hospital. I’m petrified and nauseous. My bravery and strength is gone. I’m numb. My beautiful son is lying in a hospital bed , with half his skull implanted in his stomach and I just don’t know what to do. Nothing will ever be the same again . Not for him or for me.
I know some of you think and pray for my son and I thought you would want to know.
Ivy
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Thinking of you and your boy. I don’t know what to say except I am well aware of the horrors of addiction and the evil people who peddle this shit not caring who they hurt. Punishments should be much more severe. Please keep us updated on your son
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Hi Ivy,
Thinking of you and your Son at this sad time, hope all will be ok.
Sending prayers and hugs.
Dx
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Hi Ivy thinking of you and your son at this very traumatic time. I hope he makes it through and you both have the strength to deal with the uncertain future. Sending lots of love xxx
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Hi Ivy
I don’t know what I can say to make you feel any better. Your son’s story moved me to tears this morning.
You and Your son will be in my thoughts and prayers. I pray that you both receive the strength to get through this nightmare of addiction.
Stay strong Ivy, try and look after yourself, is there anyone you can share this with at home?
Take care
We are all here for you,
Lx ❤
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Ivy- my heart breaks for you. You’re in a situation no mother should ever have to go through. I have no words. I will continue to pray for you and your son and all his friends, and family for his complete and total healing and for an end to his addiction. I hope that you are not alone in this, and you always have us.
There are probably many success stories out there. They probably just move on from this place when things are finally good so we don’t hear about it.
But here we all are now, and we are here for each other. Please reach out here if you every need to. It sure helps me.
❤❤❤
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I’ve been thinking of you Ivy- how is your son?
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Ivy I’m so sorry this is awful. You’ve been through so much. Heroin is evil, it’s all evil but this is the one I know about. From what you’ve shared here, you’ve been living on this knife edge for a long time. I hope you have people who can support you and be there. I’m praying for your son and you. I know that writing on a forum is not a big help but we are all thinking about you xxx
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Ivy I am so sorry ivy ri read that. It brings back when my son was beaten up earlier this year.
I will pray for a full recovery for your son and that u do find the strength.
Really sending all the love from the bottom of my heart at what you are going through. Xx
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Thank you so much for your thoughts and prayers. I expect I am still in shock as this is a real horror story. If he pulls through, the surgeon says it will take at least two weeks to access the extent of his brain damage. You know, it’s such a relief to know that you are all here. No one, not even family really understand addiction like we do. On the upside , he has been taken off the ventilator and is breathing on his. They are hoping to move him out of the intensive care unit tomorrow into the high dependency unit. Unfortunately I work in the ICU and HDU, although not in neurology, so I know already there is a long hard road ahead for the both of us. I’m sorry I don’t interact here and offer support to others as much as I’d like to, but I know you all understand. I contacted an old friend of his earlier and asked him to send me any pics he had.
He sent pictures of my son before he discovered heroin. So young and innocent, and so incredibly happy looking. I wish he had stayed on that path. I’ll keep you all updated .
Love
Ivy ????
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I have family support. My sister lives at the borders, and we don’t see much of each other especially the last few covid years. We have become much closer the past couple of days. I also have my lovely mum, although she is currently traumatised. Tomorrow I have an appointment with a psychiatric nurse, I don’t know what that will be like? I also have two close friends but haven’t told them yet. Yes, seems like I do have support, thank you for caring xxx
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Hello Ivy,
I think about you a lot, I know things were very bad for your son. Please get in touch when you feel able xxx
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Ivy, please let us know if you are able to. There’s always hope, even if it’s hard to see it sometimes. Words I need to tell myself too…
We’re here for you ????
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Hi everyone
I have not been on for a while but as usual after catching up on messages I am now in tears, sending hope, love and prayers to you all ♥️
My son is now 90 days clean, 27 years old and the first time he has been without any form of drugs or alcohol since the age of 16. He is still very heavy company, as you know he is in a state run open rehab facility and so far has stuck to the rules and is determined to make this work. He has embraced the 12 steps which I never ever thought he would as he’d always sneered at the mere suggestion of it.
I stood by him through all of those years of drug abuse and he abused our home, was rude, had my home raided by police, dealers banging on the door and threatening him and our family, he lied, stole, cheated, took credit out in my name, borrowed copious amounts of money, sold our belongings even my work laptop , threatened suicide on multiple occasions, It is soul destroying and something that will always stay with you, no matter what.
Today I am incredibly proud as he revived his 90 days clean key ring and I pray with all my might that he keeps soaring upwards.
But there is still an element of doubt, a big fat gremlin sitting on my shoulder who keeps telling me to be wary it takes 30 seconds for him to use again and spiral out of control in his addiction. If this happens I think I can’t have him back, I’m warn out and can’t watch the self destruct button being repeatedly pressed.
So I send you all my love, hope and prayers ♥️
Addiction in any shape or form is a horrendous disease, it transforms our loved ones into ugly people. More needs to be done to help this ever growing population of users. Instead of locking them up with no help, invest in therapies to give them a chance … I could go on and on and on………..
Sorry ????♥️
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Hi Lou- your son is to be commended for what he has accomplished and you should be proud. Hopefully, the things he’s learning while sober will stick with him if he feels the temptation again. I’ll pray that he stays the course, and I also pray for you and your family’s healing for all you’ve been through.
I don’t know about you, but I truly have PTSD from the things my son has done.
????
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Wow that’s great news Lou.
I’m in same situation so is now 7 mnths clean.
Weve had a rough week with him from being suicidal one minute and then aggressive and bullying g us the next.
I think he is struggling actually I know he is but he takes it out on us and u e beenclose to running g away.
Februarymarie I also think I have PTSD….although ironically NY sin accused me of causing him to have PTSD when we kicked him out after his drugs .
Keep strong everyone!!
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Wow that’s great news Lou.
I’m in same situation so is now 7 mnths clean.
Weve had a rough week with him from being suicidal one minute and then aggressive and bullying g us the next.
I think he is struggling actually I know he is but he takes it out on us and u e beenclose to running g away.
Februarymarie I also think I have PTSD….although ironically NY sin accused me of causing him to have PTSD when we kicked him out after his drugs .
Keep strong everyone!!
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Bump and Lou, its wonderful that your boys have got so far with this, but I know from my own experiences that dealing with the mood swings and anger afterwards is very hard. I used to expect my son to be really remorseful but he was just caught up in his head and coping one day to the next without drugs to numb his feelings. In some ways its harder because you no longer feel that you have the right to complain. I hope things do calm down and they both keep going forward.
My son is using but coming out of his room more and cooking a little bit again, which is a good sign. He talks about strategies for getting clean, but still has to go through the hell of heroin withdrawal which hopefully he will face again soon. I’ve started looking at rehab as an option but he, as always, believes he can do it by himself.
I hope everyone has a drama free and peaceful weekend.
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Ivy – I’m thinking about you and your son xxx
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Thank you all for your very kind words. I had never thought of PTSD but yes I think that is a real thing for families. And I sometimes am angry at what he’s put us through and although I am immensely proud of him, he has a long way to go x
It’s so lovely that all of you understand, people think once they are clean that’s it but it’s not it’s a lifelong battle for them that we face too, BUT a battle that should get easier over time.
For those of you praying to reach this stage, never give up hope, your loved one is in there somewhere, addiction is a truly horrid disease and it can turn the sweetest of people into complete messes.
And also for all who have lost there loved one, I send love and prayers, I can’t even imagine how you are feeling ♥️
Stay strong and remember to look after yourselves too xxx
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Lou, thank you for sharing your story, it’s good to share positive stories too as it gives us all hope.
I totally agree with all your comments especially the ‘every day’s a battle for them ‘ .
My son is also currently in early recovery and doing well thankfully. But he’s told me how difficult it is, if he strays off the path, stopping meetings and doing the steps with his sponsor, no alcohol, even a little, it’s back to square one.
The ptsd comment also resonates with me, although he’s doing well, I always feel I’m looking over my shoulder.
It’s thanks to all these ladies on the Theresa thread who have lifted my spirits and supported me through this nightmare of addiction. I’ll keep thinking and praying for us all here daily.
Enjoy your weekend my friends, try to find time to be good to yourselves, you totally deserve it.
Much love ❤
Lx
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Thank you all for your very kind words. I had never thought of PTSD but yes I think that is a real thing for families. And I sometimes am angry at what he’s put us through and although I am immensely proud of him, he has a long way to go x
It’s so lovely that all of you understand, people think once they are clean that’s it but it’s not it’s a lifelong battle for them that we face too, BUT a battle that should get easier over time.
For those of you praying to reach this stage, never give up hope, your loved one is in there somewhere, addiction is a truly horrid disease and it can turn the sweetest of people into complete messes.
And also for all who have lost there loved one, I send love and prayers, I can’t even imagine how you are feeling ♥️
Stay strong and remember to look after yourselves too xxx
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So.ladies I’ve just got in from a family birthday meal and found my son here in a foul mood he is 4 days in from starting hos new job.
Yesterday he said one of the dealers he used regularly came into his work place as he is now a barber.
Not sure if there is a connection but today he has gone mental at us and grabbed some wine and started necking it and saying he is going to go back on drink and drugs says it’s all my fault but obviously I know it’s not but just dont know what to make of this.. he has been clean for 7 mnths and last few weeks he has been hideous to live with.
When does this nightmare end?
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Hi Bump,
Think there must be something in the air at the moment, my Son has been very strange this week and I cannot put my finger on it at all. He has not had any alcohol, and I can usually tell if he has had drugs, he hasn’t been angry and been quite pleasant, which makes a nice change, but still a bit strange.
Like your Son blaming you, mine always does the same, and we know it is not us.
Did he continue to drink the wine?
It is very hard to live with, you never know what mood they are going to be in.
I sometimes ask myself the same question about when will it all end, and I sometimes think never, and that’s an awful thought.
I hope you have a good weekend and you know we are always here to chat.
Dx
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Hi Bump, I’m so sorry to read this after your son has been in recovery for so long.
I remember reading one of Danman83s posts where he said about ” triggers”.
He said a person in recovery can be fine and then something can just trigger the brain into wanting something. I guess seeing an ex dealer may have triggered your son to behave the way he did.
Even me sitting watching TV with my son and a clip from Glastonbury or some concert came on and he told me to switch channels.
Your son will just be lashing out at you because you care the most about him. Crazy I know.
I hope your lad gets back on track Bump, hopefully it’s just a blip as they say.
Sending you much love ❤
Lx
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I’m ashamed to say I got in a physical autication with him as I was desperate to get the wine off him.
It didn’t end well i dont know how much he drank of it but i came to bed as he locked himself in the study with it when i got up in the night there was an empty bottle.
I’m sad as he was doing so well.
I would happily say that he shld leave that barbers and work somewhere else now but I havnt got to the bottom of the reason.
I am only surmizing it’s the dealer issue. Either that or he had a difficult customer and he just cant cope with difficult situations.
This is his first job hes had for a very long while and so it cld be the pressure of it and being new to the trade.
I just hate living with him as he was so aggressive and I cant relax.
I’m sure all this isnt helping my long covid as I feel so tired all the time.
One positive thing is that he has got up for work and so far I can hear him getting ready. Although he cld change his mind and just get back into bed.
I’m staying in my room until he has left as I dont want any shouting first thing and his younger brother is now up.
I really hope he goes in.
Ivy how is your son? Is he out of intensive care?
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Hey everyone I think you’re right it’s in the air, we’ve had the same. We’ve had the “I need £1000” I was adamant we weren’t going to give it to him. He’s been vile. You all know the score, remorseful, sad don’t want to be like this then he hits you with it. The suicide threats, you won’t help your son to help him beat it, horrible, vile accusations blaming us. Saying we’d rather sit on our money than help him.
His dad nearly put one on him last night but they ware you down so much you give in. It’s every month We’ve been paying his rent for the last 10 mths. If you remember he had a seizure and broke 2 vertebrae in his back but even that hasn’t stopped him. He’s on the sick till November. Last weekend we had a family 40th birthday there was something edgy about him which I get as he hadn’t socialised for over a Year then and I knew he was going to do something and he did it on the Sunday and so it seems for 3 days after that. Dad walks the dogs for him but he didn’t want him at his flat said he’s not welcome. Now he’s here as it’s weekend to have his son, I can’t look at him. Right now I hate him for what he’s doing to us but mores what he’s done to himself. He’s just a horrible lying drug addict who won’t get help from anywhere or move home so we don’t have to pay his rent. I want it all to stop . I want him to spend the night on a park bench. I want him to get better ???? Feeling everyone’s pain and sending much love xx
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I’m sorry (and angry) that your sons are treating you so poorly- you don’t deserve it after all you’ve done. None of us do.
I’m in the same boat. I did have a talk (by email) with my son. I was planning on doing it in person, but his emails to the family have been so rotten that I decided against it. His emails have been all “poor me” that I was born with this gene for alcoholism, that we should have compassion for him (which we do), and that Philosophy is his dream and that we should financially support him so that he can achieve his dream and finish his degree so that he can have a career. I remind you that the reason he hasn’t finished is because he spends his days drinking and not doing the work he needs to do. That’s why we’re at this December deadline. He says “either I get an extension with school, or I’m on the street, literally”.
I did tell him that he has enough time to make a change before December. I told him that he cannot live with us, that he’s got to make his own way, and that he doesn’t have to be on the street as there are options for him with housing, shelters, counseling, job help etc.
He keeps telling me that he’d rather be on the street than to ‘sell his soul’ working any other job. It’s ridiculous.
The bottom line is this, they are all master manipulators because of their addictions. He’s broken my heart with some of things he’s said to me. His emails are primarily directed at me and just like you all, he’s pushing my buttons as a mother. The emails have been almost daily. I knew as soon as I said he couldn’t live with me and my husband, and that we would not financially support him, the harassment would begin. Apparently, we are supposed to sacrifice financially to support him, because ‘that’s what families do’, that we are judgmental, unChristian, and materialistic if we don’t. ( I don’t know why he thinks we even financially could.)
I had to find a new counselor since my other one retired. This new counselor has worked a lot with addicts. As I’ve said, things are going to get bad for my story soon. This counselor is very tough love. I told him, “my son is killing me” and he said, “You are letting your son kill you”. He said that if I give him housing or financially support him, it is only going to prolong his addiction and that I am essentially having a hand in his demise. Ouch. He said that he is never going to change until he wants to, or has to, and that nothing I do, whether loving or not, is going to change him, and if I or anyone else do too much for him, we are taking away his “rock bottom” moment to change.
I know he’s right, because my story has been going on for 10+ years and nothing has worked. It’s just so hard as you all know.
Together we can get through it. I wish I could be there to comfort you all in person with a nice lunch, a walk or a shoulder to cry on. I hope you can have some peace this weekend, I need it too.????
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There isn’t any right or wrong my son died I didn’t fully practice tough love. If I had I think I would have lost him sooner I wouldn’t have known what was going on in his world. I don’t know what’s right or wrong but I’m not sure tough love is the way I’m really not
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I don’t know either Kate, I wish someone had a real solution that would work. I tell my son regularly that I love him. I’ve given so much. I can’t even communicate with him right now. I try to have normal conversations, and all I get back is the weird emails.
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I know it’s heartbreaking I wish I had an answer for you for all of us but I don’t know. I couldn’t help my own boy. I go over and over wondering if I’d done things different would he still be here but I don’t think he would.
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I do the same thing even now. If I didn’t do some of things I did to help him, if his grandmother hadn’t given him the money, if I didn’t go out and get him in Philadelphia, would he have stopped sooner?
He and I talked about it all the time and he’d always listen and say you’re right and still not change. My problem is it took me so long to see his alcoholism for what it really is. ????
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Yes I relate to that. It took me a while to see how bad things were and when I did I didn’t know how to stop him doing what he was doing. He was in to deep x
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Hi February Marie the councillors are right we are prolonging their addiction my husband’s councillor said our son is very immature and acts like a toddler when he can’t get his own way. Very very true. Today he is all jolly and can’t understand why his dad is finding it hard to get over it. Let’s be honest if these weren’t our flesh and blood we wouldn’t even give them the time of day. Xx
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Hi 68862,
Your words are so true and describe my son to a tee. Immature and acts like a toddler. Then the next day they are happy and wonder why you are not the same, it really is very wearing.
And yes being brutally honest about being our flesh and blood, I feel the same and wish that he was not an addict so we could all live a normal life, whatever that might be like.
Thinking of everyone on here that is having a hard time at the moment.
Dx
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So true….
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So true…
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I tried all along the way. I’d tell him, you’re going to get addicted to alcohol if you don’t stop, you’re going to lose your family if you don’t stop, you’re going to lose your career if you don’t stop, and it is true now. He still says alcohol isn’t his problem- it’s society, it’s his family, its misconceptions about alcoholism, it’s not his fault that he’s an alcoholic. That’s the biggest part of the problem- he downplays how serious it is.
I feel so incredibly bad for all you moms are dealing with drug addictions and have dealers coming to them and tempting them. My son walks himself to the liquor store. I guarantee if he had someone tempting him, he’d fail. The outcome is the same I guess. Their lives are a mess and so is ours.
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I guess as mums we all think what we can do to help but ultimately its nothing..only they can get to that point.
My son came home drunk..not sure if he had taken anything else I wasnt going to stay up and ask.
I went to bed and my husband stayed up to let him In.
I’ve realised how much I’d relaxed over the last 7 mnths as now I’m back to being a coiled spring a nervous wreck of where this relapse is going.
I’ve stupidly let him back home and so now have nowhere he can go with housing benefit like I’d managed to get him before.
It just defies belief that hed got on track and now is prepared to throw it away.
I’m praying he wakes this morning to realise he has been stupid and wants to get back on track.
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Hi Bump, I’m really sorry this has happened. I know that feeling so well of starting to pick up your life and think about other things just for it to all come crashing down. Your son has done brilliantly in starting to put his life back together. Hopefully he’ll come back around and get on track. My son, who is still using, but a lot less, won’t engage with the 12 step program. I think you said your son is doing this, hopefully they will support him and encourage him to pick up again.
I remember talking to a counsellor when my son was about 6 months clean and very hard to live with, she said that as they’ve been numbing themselves against their problems for so long that it’s like they’ve lost their ‘emotional’ skin and all conflict and stress has a massive negative effect. I know we all know that, so sorry for stating the obvious.
I really hope you have an okay day despite all of this. Like you, I wonder when my son will have his own home again.
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Hi Bump,
I hope your Son has woke up feeling positive today.
My Son also had a drink last night and I didn’t ask if anything else had been taken. He’s up and down the stairs all night having a cigarette, going to the loo and just generally being a pain in the arse, then gets up this morning expecting everything to be ok. I am so tired of this life with an addict. If I could see him trying I wouldn’t mind, but I’m seeing no effort at all at the moment.
After 7 months your Son would know that he felt better, I really hope that he gets back on track today for you and your family.
Dx
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Hi all, I’ve been reading the thread with a heavy heart. I lit a candle at church for us all here today.
I hope and pray that our sons get the strength to fight this daily battle of addiction. You are all in my thoughts and daily prayers.
I know not everyone is religious but my faith is the only thing that’s got me through these difficult times.
Stay strong everyone, sending you all much love ❤
Lx
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Bump- I’m very sorry to hear about your son- he’s gotten sober and at least he knows he can. But really I think of you and the stress of it all. It’s just so much- it’s like their addiction became our life sentence. I hate it and don’t want it. Do you ever wonder how many of these relapses you can take? I do.
My son emailed the family and now he’s saying that he’s had a seizure which is news to me. In his situation, this is entirely possible and of course, I was extremely concerned. This was his response after my husband (his step-dad) sent him a firm, but loving email that he needs to take charge of his life and start taking care of his problems and not expect others to do it for him or financially support him. He didn’t address anything my husband said, just the seizure.
I’m his mom- I reached out to him last night and asked him questions about the seizure and if he’s going to get looked at by a doctor. He said the seizure is not a problem, that the problem is simple and that it’s me and I’m wrong and when ‘love’ happens, I will start giving him my disposable funds because of his scenario. So I actually don’t even know if the seizure even happened or if he’s just doing his manipulating. There’s no “normal” conversation between us at all right now- I tried.
So then it makes me feel like I need to just step away. Everyone is telling me to do that and to tell him that he can contact me when he’s been sober a while. My head says, ‘do that!’ and my heart says ‘how?’
One of my daughters told me that they have lost me because I’m so consumed with his problems right now. I’m really trying, but it shows on my face and mood. That makes me feel terrible. My other daughter told me something similar. My husband said he’s worried about me because I can’t keep a straight thought. I don’t want to be like this for them- it’s not fair.
If anyone out there has had any success with letting go with love, I would love to hear how you managed it and did it help? Is the not knowing worse?
(Lindyloo- my faith has carried me too…????)
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Februarymarie your son may well have had a seizure as you know mine did. Definitely cocaine induced although still not confirmed but the after effects lasted a long time. It certainly didn’t happen and business as usual he wasn’t with it for days.
Being all consumed rings so true in our house. It’s all we think about morning noon and night. All we are trying to do is fix it for them but deep down we know we can’t. We’ve suffered at the hands of their abuse, selfishness and extreme behaviour because we hope that one day it will end. My husband has lost so much weight through the stress and friends have started to say he looks ill. I know I’ve lost that sparkle and have dark circles that I shouldn’t have.
Your comment about disposable funds hits home so much. Our son asks for our help but he thinks our help is in the form of money, the “pot of cash” we’re sitting on. That pot of cash is dwindling and we worked our backsides off to make sure we’re secure in later life. Our kids never went without, had food in their belly love and a warm bed to sleep in all because we cared and put them first.
Each time I think we have to walk away. Say no, goodbye, its your bed but it’s so damn hard. My parents weren’t fussing after me when I was his age, checking I had food, checking I’d made that doctor’s appointment to get my repeat medication. Why oh why do we do it???
Sending you love and strength to keep going and get through this.
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This is so familiar. Why do we do it because they are our children and we love them. I threatened to walk away many times but I could never do it. I love him and you love your son. That’s why even through all the shit he puts you through you stick by him x
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Kate, That’s why this group is so necessary for all of us going through this hell. You are so strong to keep coming on and I thank you for your comments and help to all of us. Xx
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Kate1 I think of you often.
Also thinking of everyone on here, it feels like a never-ending slog. I had a good day with my son yesterday and he is reducing his usage. I’m trying to be grateful for that. It’s hard to imagine a time when all of this will be just a memory. This is how we all live now.
Lindyloo I understand what you’re saying. I am trying to embrace a faith to help me not fall over but it’s not easy.
So grateful for this forum though xxx
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Thank you. No one understands the lives we lead except the family of another addict. It is hell on earth but it’s the dealers and the big money to be earned that ensures our children stay trapped x
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That must have been lovely Jem take what you can from it and pray that one day this nightmare will be over xx
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Thanks 68862, I try to enjoy these moments when they happen but feel so stressed all of the time. I know that things have been very difficult for you. I hope you and your husband are okay x
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Thank you. I’m lucky enough to be still working so I have something to take my mind off of it but my husband is retired and finds it difficult to get out of the rut he’s in. Looking forward to seeing my daughter and baby grandson tomorrow. That always takes my mind off of this life we are living xxxx
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Feeling positive seeing duchess’s of cambridge and ant mcpartlin launching campaign against addiction and help with mental health…maybe the system will start to change and we can get put loved ones the support they need!
My son didnt come home last night but is on his way home now..dreading what he will be like.!
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I really hope he’s calmed down and that he wants to get back on track. Really great if Ant P is raising the issue, he was hooked on Opiates. This is talked about a lot more in America than in the UK, but their opiate crisis is harder to ignore.
I hope everyone has a peaceful evening xxx
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Hi Everyone, I haven’t been in touch for a while. The shared stories and experiences in this forum are a source of strength and support for us all. As so many of us can identify, it is impossible for people who don’t have experience of family addiction
to fully understand and empathise with the rollercoaster of it all. I continue to hope and pray for us all. I saw my son very briefly afew weeks ago, he looked better than when I had previously seen him. I continue to hope. I also remind us all of the absolute importance of taking care of ourselves. Addiction destroys the addict and their loved ones also. Hope prevails for us all.
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Not sure what to write just on here as in struggling with my sons relapse. Cleared his room of emptys just now after a full on day at work. Waiting what he will be like when he gets home.
Cant relax and my long covid fatigue is worse than ever as a result.
Hugs to you all fellow sufferers of addiction
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Hi Bump,
Thinking of you, sounds like my life at the moment, my Son also relapsed this weekend, it’s a never ending nightmare. He’s gone to stay with his Daughters Mum for a few nights, I am enjoying the peace and quiet.
It’s good to be able to come here and get it off our chest.
Take care of yourself, hope he comes home and is ok.
Dx
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Hi Bump I’m starting to feel the strain of it all atm so how you must be feeling with long covid must be hard. My son used again on Sunday just gone and Wednesday of last week and gambled in the bookies on Sunday. Soon it will be daily. He promises the world but its all BS and lies. We want him to go to rehab now but he won’t hear of it. One thing to come out of it last week though is that he was so remorseful he told his ex wife who was very supportive and said she knew he was carrying on from when they were married.
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Enjoy the peace and quiet.
Make sure u totally relax and switch off while u have the respite
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Hi all,
Bump, so sorry to hear about your son’s relapse. He’s been doing so well too. Do you think he was triggered by the dealer going into the salon? Sometimes that’s all it takes. My son had a difficult situation out with his old mates at the weekend foe a meal. We didn’t think it was a good idea to go, he didn’t drink but it was real hard for him. He came back in an agitated state, saying..is this it? For the rest of my life? What an existence…he was sorely tempted.
Debc- so hard for them, it is like a battle but they have to be so strong to fight that urge. Enjoy your evening’s peace.
My long covid is improving, I still know my limitations, I get tired too, or maybe I’m gettin old! We can count ourselves of the lucky ones though i guess.
The anxiety of worrying about our son’s addictions is exhausting too. You can never really relax properly.
Thinking of you all my friends, and sending hugs ❤
Lx
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I’m sorry you ladies are dealing with your sons’ relapsing. It’s exhausting. I wish you all strength and peace. ????
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I’m sorry you ladies are dealing with your sons’ relapsing. It’s exhausting. I wish you all strength and peace.
My son is the same, still a mess. I’m taking a break from him for a bit. I need to get some rest.
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Februarymarie, my Son told me tonight that he just needs a break for a while, I’m like have you ever thought that I need a break, they really don’t get it.
Enjoy your rest.
Take care.
Dx
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DebC- my son doesn’t think of me at all. Right now, all I am to him is someone to prop him up and try to get money out of, which won’t work. But I’m learning that I emotionally enable him too. I didn’t even realize I could do this until people have pointed it out to me. I have a lot of work to do.
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Lindyloo I think that the stress of getting a job and nerves if that 0kus the dealer triggered it ut I still am convinced he is bipolar.
Hes just been really vile to me and right now I feel alot of hate towards him…sorry but I just want to kick him out.
I’m just not sure if I have any love left for that boy sometimes.
It’s just not fair on the rest of the family.
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DebC- my son doesn’t think of me at all. Right now, all I am to him is someone to prop him up and try to get money out of, which won’t work. But I’m learning that I emotionally enable him too. I didn’t even realize I could do this until people have pointed it out to me. I have a lot of work to do.
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Lindyloo I think that the stress of getting a job and nerves of that plus the dealer triggered it but I still am convinced he is bipolar.
Hes just been really vile to me and right now I feel alot of hate towards him…sorry but I just want to kick him out.
I’m just not sure if I have any love left for that boy sometimes.
It’s just not fair on the rest of the family.
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Bump- I understand where you are coming from. It isn’t fair to the rest of the my family either. That’s also been pointed out to me and I’m really thinking about it lately. It isn’t fair to my daughters, my husband, my sister, that my son’s problems consume me, that he gets all my mental attention and my health suffers and then they all have less of a person in me. I don’t quite know how to fix that, but I sure want to try. I want to try and figure out why I take his meanness just because I’m his mom, and a mother never gives up even if she gets destroyed?? Something is not right there.
It seems unfair that the person who is causing all the problems and at this point, won’t change is getting all the love and attention. My son won’t go to rehab or AA or counselors or mentors or anything that would actually make him face his problems. He just takes, gives no time or caring to anyone in the family- including his nieces and nephews, and is unkind and takes it out on me which I can only assume is because I’m the mom and am the nicest to him. Unfair. That’s why I have to take a break from him for a while. All I do is spin my wheels and exhaust myself trying to think of ways that will make him stop drinking and nothing works and I just need to face that. It’s on him.
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February …yes exactly why on earth do we put up with it.
Everyone suffers because of them.
I guess I find it heard to remind myself it’s a disease…when the abuse the leaching of money and all the chaos is ruining our own lives.
I was doing my ironing today I even do that with this scowl that doesnt leave my face as I’m so stressed ..I honestly think there is no.muscle memory for smiling!!
Cant remember when I properly smiled.
I need to start doing a gratitude list like they do at AA so I can start to feel more positive.
I do find it so hard though as i mourn the person i was pre having covid and a addict son..where has that fun woman gone!
Sorry for .moaning i guess I’m just struggling with it all I’ve been fortunate to have a 7 mnth break and now ive been pushed into that dark hole again.
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Hi Bump,
Never worry about moaning on here, I understand your pain. I am at that point where I’m thinking of asking my Son to leave, I have really had enough of all his crap.
I can’t believe that when they are trying to get clean/sober they are such different people, then BOOM when they relapse, brings us back to reality and I hate it.
I wish they had face to face meetings that parents could go too, think I would be there every night at the moment!!
My Son hasn’t been at work so far this week, came up tonight and he looks awful, I don’t say much as “I’m always moaning or going on”.
I hope you have a quiet night.
Take care.
Dx
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Debc interestingly I looked today at AA meetings for me to go to…just thought it may help me understand things a bit more.
My son told me today I’m always negative and he hates being round negativity….what a joke I’m only.like this coz of him!
He is negativity personified!!
He is on his way home and I’m out tonight to see friends so I wont have to see what state hes in when he gets home.
Hes started to do that thing alcoholics do to kid themselves they dont drink much by buying lots of small bottles…so pathetic…sorry but every part of his addiction winds me up. It’s the self pity … but he has so much ..and yet some people have real struggles with disability and disease etc. I just want to shake some sense I to him but sadly we all know that doesnt work.
Anyway rant over. Off to write a gratitude list!!
Let’s stay strong and hope all have peaceful evenings.x
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Debc interestingly I looked today at AA meetings for me to go to…just thought it may help me understand things a bit more.
My son told me today I’m always negative and he hates being round negativity….what a joke I’m only.like this coz of him!
He is negativity personified!!
He is on his way home and I’m out tonight to see friends so I wont have to see what state hes in when he gets home.
Hes started to do that thing alcoholics do to kid themselves they dont drink much by buying lots of small bottles…so pathetic…sorry but every part of his addiction winds me up. It’s the self pity … but he has so much ..and yet some people have real struggles with disability and disease etc. I just want to shake some sense I to him but sadly we all know that doesnt work.
Anyway rant over. Off to write a gratitude list!!
Let’s stay strong and hope all have peaceful evenings.x
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Hi guys how is everyone?
We have had a nightmare week with my son he has gone full throttle back on drink and drugs.
He went put last night telling us he was going out with his sponsor but actually went out with his druggie ex girlfriend we thought he has turned a corner yesterday but alas not
He hasnt returned home which is a bad sign so my husband his stepdad who has been amazing like me has had enough and doesnt want to live like this.
Weve had to chuck him out before but this time I’m starting to feel more and more that I dont care about him anymore..the blatent lies and way we are treated ypu just wldnt treat your enemies like it.
Just why shld I love like this. Its ruining my marriage and home life. I’m sick of his addiction.
I know someone posted on here about free rehab places but cant find the thread can anyone point me in the right direction?
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Hi Bump
I’m so sorry to read your news, after your son had done so well for all those months!
You and your family must be exhausted. You have been so patient and kind, you and your partner deserve this treatment Bump. But we all know only to well that these addictions turn our sons into people we don’t know anymore. It makes them selfish and unfeeling and they treat the ones closest to them , the worst.
I seem to remember reading about this free rehab treatment too. Was it through Drugfam ? I’m sure someone will get back to you with the info you need. I’ll scroll back and have a look.
In the meantime, try and find time to look after yourself my friend ❤
I wish I could help you more Bump.
Stay strong, sending you hugs and prayers.
Lx
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Bump, I can’t tell you how sorry I am to hear about your son. I know too well getting your hopes up and then the devastation when they relapse. I know you love your son, you’re just angry and exhausted as am I. My son is no better. As I mentioned earlier, I’ve had to take a communication break from him because he’s an emotionally manipulative and abusive drunk. It hasn’t been easy, but I was really struggling physically and emotionally.
My son needs professional help that I can’t give. His mind is not right from drinking and I’m powerless to help him. Just prayers.
I think you, and all of us? deserve a life that isn’t all about our sons’ addictions. I’m trying to figure that out myself.
Peace and love to you all. ♥️
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Oops …DON’T deserve this treatment! Sorry..covid brain fog!
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Hi Bump,
I’ve been thinking about you and all of us and wondering how things are going. The free rehab info is on the Talktofrank site under help and support, you have to scroll down the various types of support to get to Rehab.
I think rehab may be the only solution for my son, and I’ve spoken to a couple who’ve told me that it’s just a waste of money unless they really want to do it. This is so hard, because I’ve no idea what we’re supposed to do while we wait for that to happen. It just feels like years of drama, misery and savings down the drain.
Lindy, it’s great that your son is properly engaging with the 12 steps, people who stick to it seem to really change their lives. Knowing that he is doing well does give us all some hope.
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Thanks Jem, he’s doing so well, im scared to talk about it in case I jinx it somehow as he’s not completely out the woods yet!
I’ve almost got my black belt in praying, so I thank God for
His strength ????. I’ll continue to pray for us all here, I think of you all daily and hope that circumstances improve for everyone.
Hoping you all have a peaceful weekend.
Sending hugs
Lxx
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Thanks ladies for your responses.
I am devastated to be back in this horrid world ..so my son is missing so I am worried sick..I k ow deep down that he will turn up like a dirty penny after putting g us through hell but i still cant help bit worry. My husband is on the brink of moving out and i dont blame him.
I hate my son and love him in equal measure.
I have done nothing to deserve this way of life …none of us have.
I wldnt wish this on anyone…I just want happiness and peace.
My love and support to all of u xxx
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Bump, I’m sure your son will be home soon He knows that you love and care for him.
My heart goes out to you, I hope he’ll see sense and seek support again.
Look after yourself Bump
Lx ❤
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Bump, I’m really sorry that your going through this, the disappointment of them getting a few months clean and relapsing is very hard to deal with. At least he knows that he can do it, and hopefully he won’t want to go back to having no money and no life for long. My son lives with us and it’s a struggle. He is making slow progress but I wish when he came back in lockdown I’d set out a few more rules around him being here, such as doing NA or something similar.
I really hope that your son gets in touch soon, look after yourself and the rest of your family xxx
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I’m so sorry to hear that you are going through this again Bump, the pressure put on families because of the behaviour caused by their addiction is unbelievable.
We went through it again last weekend because our son had spent his rent money. What he was calling us was absolutely disgusting because we refused to give him any money. It was like he was possessed with what was coming out of his mouth. It was so hurtful but it wasn’t him it was the cocaine talking. We were that close to disowning him, he took his keys back he went back to his flat but then the phone calls started and the texts and he finally managed to manipulate us again and as soon as we gave in it was like the devil left him. I don’t know how much more we can take of this. I’ve lost respect for him and what he’s done to us his parents is diabolical. He told me today he’s 10 days clean but I’m just waiting for the next time. We’re on edge every time we see him.
I really hope your son comes home soon Bump and I sincerely hope your relationship with your partner doesn’t end. You don’t deserve this none of us do. We are all respectable families holding on to the hope that they will beat this awful curse.
Stay strong everyone xx
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Bump, it’s normal to worry. I do every
day. Hopefully your son will feel awful and not go all the way back in.
Let us know. Praying for you, your son, and your family. ♥️
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Hello Everyone. Thank you for sharing your stories and the exhausting,nerve racking, cliff edge emotions of it all including the pain and despair. And the hopelessness and disappointment when someone relapses after attempting to stay sober/come clean. I can identify with all of that. Some of you will know that I had to somehow find the strength to say goodbye to my son as a last resort. I was becoming a shell of my former self. I continue to hope and pray too. My emotions have been particularly fragile recently and I am struggling. I am doing my best to take each moment as it comes. I know that the pain never leaves and I continue to hope and pray for us all, our sons also. Life is so unfair. I send warmth and hope to you all.
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Hi Nanny ger,
Thinking and praying for us and our sons also. I’m so sorry to hear that you’re struggling and I hope you are able to share your troubles with someone other than us.
Please look after yourself, it’s so easy to let the horror of addiction consume us as well as them.
Stay strong, have faith and hope ????
Lx ❤
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Hi nannyger. I’m in a similar boat as you. I’ve had to take a break from my son. He’s an emotionally abusive and manipulative drunk and it was really starting to take me down. Although not talking to him is difficult for me as well. I start to forget why I chose to do it and have to think about it, then I remember why. He goes after me I’m particular because I’m usually the nicest to him, but he’s not nice to me.
May I ask how you’re coping with not speaking to your son? Do you have any tips?
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Thanks ladys for your comments without wanting anyone else to be going through this, there is comfort in your comments and empathy.
My son has returned after a weekend of going missing constant drink and drug abuse being arrested mugged and now trying crack and heroin!!
He is walking round the house in a agitated mood complaining at what’s in the fridge as if he even is entitled to any of the free bed and board we give him!
I feel alot of hate to.my son today it’s my day off work..and I actually enjoyed going for my smear just now as it meant I was away from the house.!!
No apology from him nothing acting like it’s just a normal weekend!!!
Coughing and feeling g sorry for himself..I dont feel well…oh dear poor love maybe next weekend dont drink litres of alcohol followed by the ketamine valium and heroin chasers!!!
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Thanks ladys for your comments without wanting anyone else to be going through this, there is comfort in your comments and empathy.
My son has returned after a weekend of going missing constant drink and drug abuse being arrested mugged and now trying crack and heroin!!
He is walking round the house in a agitated mood complaining at what’s in the fridge as if he even is entitled to any of the free bed and board we give him!
I feel alot of hate to.my son today it’s my day off work..and I actually enjoyed going for my smear just now as it meant I was away from the house.!!
No apology from him nothing acting like it’s just a normal weekend!!!
Coughing and feeling g sorry for himself..I dont feel well…oh dear poor love maybe next weekend dont drink litres of alcohol followed by the ketamine valium and heroin chasers!!!
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Bump, I’m really sorry. How awful for you all. Unfortunately, their addiction makes them think only of themselves. I totally understand your anger. Even though it’s awful that they relapse, they kind of mentally escape for a while, while we feel everything with a clear mind.
I sure hope he gets back on track right away.
Usually people have bad dreams about their loved ones and wake up relieved it was a just a bad dream. I have dreams and my son is trying and doing better and then I wake up and the nightmare is real life. ????
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Hi Bump,
Sorry to hear you are going through this bloody madness again, I often wonder will we ever be free of this nightmare that is addiction.
Hopefully your Son will get back on track soon, he did 7 months which was great, and I’m sure he felt better in those 7 months.
You did make me laugh when you said you enjoyed going for your smear, but sometimes it’s anything to escape.
My Son had a bad weekend as well, and I lost it with him, said lots of things that I am not proud of, but this is how it gets me sometimes, and when they say we don’t understand, that really gets to me, I often answer him by saying “if only you understood where we are coming from and hope your never in my shoes”, but it’s all about them.
I hope this is a better weekend for you.
Thinking of everyone on here dealing with addiction.
Take care.
Dx
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Debc I’m glad I made u laugh about my smear..made me laugh too!
I persuaded my son to go to a mental.health drop In centre he abused me all the way there humiliated me to the nurses and then abused me on the way back…poor baby he is as everything is all about him being a victim.
I’m so sick.of this self absorbed pity party they are stuck in.
The people who need the help are the families who are I innocent partys in their car crash of lives.
Nxt time he relapses hes on his own uve had enough.
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Hi Bump,
I really detest their attitude after they have been on a binge of whatever they call it. Feeling sorry for themselves and not having a care in the world about anyone else. It really does drag you down.
It is the families who need help, but I don’t really see much out there for us.
Hoping you’ve had a better day.
Take care.
Dx
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So not fair Bump. I’d take some of the treatment from my son if he’d agree to be seen or talked to by anyone in the professional medical department. He won’t see anyone who will tell him it’s on him to change. We know we love them, but really, we need to save our marriages, be with our other kids, live our own lives because nothing we do changes anything with them. It’s on them. It’s just hard. Prayers for you. ❤️
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Can I ask anyone who might know. My son had a couple of syringes of a clear fluid in his house when he died. Any idea what it could be. I know he used cocaine but wondered what this could be
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I’m afraid I dont know kate.
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There was only cocaine paracetamol and alcohol in his system that’s why I’m puzzled. Half a syringe was used
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Kate I did ask my son and the only other thing is ketamine which is very expensive, it’s a rave drug, but they use it on horses to put them to sleep. I googled and using it with cocaine seems to be a bit of a thing. Like everything else, apparently the come-down leaves you depressed. My son used it a year ago to withdraw from heroin and I found him asleep on the bathroom floor, I was terrified. It’s also really expensive.
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I been wondering about ghb it doesn’t show up in tests
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I’ve never heard of that, I’ll google. You know we shouldn’t have to know about any of this stuff.
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No we shouldn’t. I’m trying to find out what went on for him to kill himself. I’ll possibly never know but it won’t be for want of trying
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My sons drugs of choice was mostly ketamine I’m not sure how he took it ..the mixing of everything is terrifying.
My son has long term.memory and bladder issues due to ketamine
It wrecks their bladder makes them feel.like they have constant cystitis eventually too much use cld lead to needed a colostomy bag(think that’s the right term)
My son has actually wished me a.happy birthday and just being driven to a meeting.
After the last few days I cld barely look at him. So let’s see how it pans out. It’s better than the abuse of yesterday but he can change in a second…all parr of the fun of living with an addict.!
I’m pouring myself a glass of birthday wine so I can sneak a drink in while he is out.
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Happy birthday Bump I’m sorry it’s all been so rubbish for you recently, but at least your son has gone to a meeting.
My son also had bladder probs from ketamine, they call it Bristol Bladder because it was a big part of the party scene but it’s awful stuff.
Kate – I can understand you looking for answers, it must be very hard to comprehend what has happened. I wish there was something I could say, other than I’m so sorry xxx
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Belated birthday wishes Bump!
Hope you managed to get a little celebration in there. My birthday was last week.
At least your son was going to a meeting, we have to celebrate success and positivity no matter how great or small.
It is hurtful when they are so disrespectful and mean to you. It’s hard to forgive and forget or turn the other cheek. I guess it’s the addiction talking though.
I hope you have a good weekend
Sending hugs ❤
Lx
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Kate I think anyone wld want answers . Xxx
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Kate I think anyone wld want answers .
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Hi Bump,
Happy Birthday to you, enjoy that glass of wine or may be 2!!
My Son takes 2 x 100mg of Sertraline and 2/3 Propanalol 40mg every morning and has been for quite a while now, he says they put him back in the room, but I think that’s only till his head starts “ticking” (as he calls it) later on.
I suggested the other night that he could may be try Hypnotherapy, I thought anything is worth a try. Has anyone had any experience of this?
He was told when he was in Rehab that his Mental Age is certainly not in line with his age, I would probably say the same. The damage they have done will be with them a long time I think.
Dx
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Thanks for birthday wishes.
Not gonna lie might squeeze in a couple more before he returns!
My son tried sertraline but said it didnt help but i think he was expecting g it to give him the same feeling g as the other drugs!
What is propanol?
I have researched hypnotherapy but it does say that anyone with mental health issues shldnt do it and so I worry it cld be more detrimental.
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Thanks for birthday wishes.
Not gonna lie might squeeze in a couple more before he returns!
My son tried sertraline but said it didnt help but i think he was expecting g it to give him the same feeling g as the other drugs!
What is propanol?
I have researched hypnotherapy but it does say that anyone with mental health issues shldnt do it and so I worry it cld be more detrimental.
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I would, it is your birthday after all, lol.
Propranolol is used for Anxiety. I do notice a difference when he doesn’t take his tablets. We still can’t see our Doctors face to face and I this doesn’t help at all.
I need to do more research on Hypnotherapy, I don’t want to make things worse.
Dx
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Kate, always in my thoughts and prayers, hope your little grandchild and your daughter are getting you through the difficult days.
Lx ❤
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Debc, February Marie, 68862, hang in there, stay strong.
You and the other ladies are the strongest women I know. What you have all endured, no one deserves this treatment! My thoughts and prayers are always with you. Stay strong and look after yourselves. Hope everyone has a peaceful weekend ????.
Lx ❤
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Have a good weekend everyone, I pray that we all have as little drama as possible xxx
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Oops Jem, I missed you off there, apologies. We all value your words of support and advice, thank you for being there for us all.
Sending hugs ❤
Lx, your forgetful friend
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Happy belated birthday Bump and Lindyloo! I hope both of you were able to have some joy in your lives with your birthdays! ????????
Bump- I really think it’s great that your son is getting back to the meetings! He at least knows he needs to be there.
Kate- I hope you are managing things alright and can find some bits of happiness with your daughter and your granddaughter. If I were in your place, I would want to know as much as possible about my son’s situation. My best friend lost her son to a drug overdose about 7 years ago. He was staying with her and his sister was there too. He had been sober for a couple of weeks because had a court date the next morning. She was with him almost the whole time and he somehow managed to get some alcohol and pills that he either took on purpose or for his nerves for the court date. My friend went to wake him up and he was on the floor-unconscious. Hours later, they had the very hard task of removing life support because he had had a severe seizure and was brain dead. I was there through it all with her- it was heart-breaking.
She tried for years to get answers from everyone she could think of. She got some answers that he was doing more drugs than she truly knew, but unfortunately, she never got the “why” he chose to take drugs/alcohol that night. I truly believe that if she had slept in a bed in the same room right next to him, it still would have happened. She kept saying, “I was right across the hall!” She kept thinking that she missed something or some sign.
I will tell you that after these many years, I have watched her come to a peace with it all. She started a college scholarship for him and that has kept her going. I admire her for that- I don’t know if I would have had the stamina. She takes great joy from her grandchildren. And she focuses only on the good of his life and not his drug side. It’s just what works for her. And now she’s watching me go through it with my son too. My son and her son were childhood friends. You’d think this all would have scared my son straight, but no…
I’m still struggling with my son. I go back and forth about wanting to talk to him even though it always seems to go bad. My communication break will not be permanent, I just need some more time. I hate not talking to him, and I hate talking to him. Like you all, I miss the real him.
I do hope you all have a peaceful weekend with no drama. ????
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Hi everyone. I got an email and text from my son that he is in the hospital with Covid. So of course, I immediately called him even though I was on a break from him. He was pretty out of it when I talked to him and I couldn’t figure out if he was there for alcohol withdrawal and they discovered he had Covid when he got there or he went to the hospital for Covid symptoms. I don’t think he’s in any imminent danger at this time. I’m waiting for the nurse to call me so hopefully I can get a straight answer.
He was vaccinated in April, but I’ve been waiting for this. I felt pretty strongly that he’d get Covid because if you’re not sober public, then you’re not careful.
These things that happen them to them throw such a wrench in their situation. I’m there with my concern and love and then they go home and start their dangerous lives again.
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Februarymarie- sorry I missed your post. I hope that your son is doing okay, I know how worried you will be xxx
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Hi,
I hope things are as okay as they can be. My weekend was uneventful, my son stayed in his room just coming out for the odd bit of food but no big drama. Maybe that’s the thing with heroin, it just spaces you out, so there’s no real anything.
I started reading a book on kindle yesterday, Understanding and Helping an Addict, (and keeping your sanity) by Andrew Proulx who is a recovering addict. He’s a doctor and writes a lot about addiction research.
It’s quite insightful because he explains what it’s like in the mind of an addict when they relapse. He’s big on the 12 steps and I’m starting to really see the benefit of having a sponsor they can turn to when they are falling back.
I know we’re all exhausted and sick of worrying about how this is ever going to change for the better for more than a few months.
Thinking about you all xxx
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Hi Jem, that book sounds interesting, knowledge is power. We need all the help we can to fight this battle of addiction too.
The 12 steps are really important to their recovery, and going over it with their sponsor weekly or whatever. Along with the regular meetings, this has been working for my son. Lately, he’s been helping others himself which I find comforting. There are also weekend conventions here in the UK and abroad. They meet like minded people of all ages and can , relax in an atmosphere where there is no temptation to use. There are workshops and talks and a bit eating and music. A chance for them to feel “normal” again. I don’t ask too many questions but I guess it’s through AA/CA . Might be worth looking into when your son is ready.
February Marie- I hope that your son is fine, at least he’s in the right place for support. Try not to worry although I know it’s hard not to.
Thinking and praying for us all here. Sending love ❤
Lx
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Lindyloo and Jem- thanks for the well wishes..
He’s definitely in the right place so things don’t go sideways. I talked to the nurse and they said he came in not feeling good with Covid symptoms. He wasn’t sober when he went to the hospital. They tested him and he tested positive. It sounds like the Covid part appears to be doing okay, now they are treating him for the withdrawal. I mentioned to him about rehab or AA and he said no to both.
Oh how I wish he would consider AA. He needs the support.
Love to all… ????
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Sorry to hear your son has covid.
As of yesterday we have all tested positive in my house
This is my 2nd time and so feel I feel quite rough but hoping as I’m double jabbed I dont get the same breathing issues.
So my son the addict has a nasty cough and hes upset he cant go to meetings now.
I do beleive the 12 steps helps him despite the relapse.
I hope your son gets better soon and maybe this is what cld get him sober and on the right track.
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Bump, so sorry to hear that you have this horrible virus again!
I hope the double vaccine will help you fight it off quickly this time.
As if you haven’t got enough to think about – life can be so cruel.
Please rest and look after yourself Bump, concentrate on you for a change.
Sending hugs ❤
Lx
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Oh Bump, I can’t believe you caught it again! This virus is crazy.
I hope you can take good care of yourself, although the brain never stops thinking about it all. I hope you get to feeling better soon. ????
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How is your son februarymarie?
I feel bad saying this because of course I cant say for definite if I caught covid off my son but he did come back from being on the streets arrested etc after his mnth long bender with a slight cough…
Hes actually been fairly kind and asking me alot if im ok..but is also saying “my covid is fine just feels like a cough whereas I’m already feeling breathless… and that he doesnt know what the fuss us about…and i sometimes think this is what erks me the most…the selfishness.
And just maybe if addicts thought of others it wld help..sorry a very simplistic and maybe unsympathetic thing to say but when I was 17 I saved to go travelling g and did voluntary work in a very poor part of south america and I do beleive I learnt alot from that.
Sorry just spurting off how I’m thinking right now ,probably in a bad mood as covid has bedridden me pretty much again and im scared and fed up that it’s quite probable that addiction has inadvertently put me there!
Everyone stay safe get your booster jabs!
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Hi Bump,
I’m really sorry that you have Covid again, you definitely don’t deserve it.
The complete selfishness is one of the most annoying symptoms of addiction and it catches you off guard. We seem to be getting further and further from anything approaching being functional. It drives me mad, but its also me not doing anything about it.
It does feel good to be able to vent!
Take care of yourself xxx
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Hi Bump- I think my son is doing alright. I haven’t spoken to him yet today. But I feel good knowing he’s in the hospital and being observed. After talking to the nurse, I think he’s there more for the alcohol withdrawal at this point, but is in Covid isolation with another Covid patient. My son told me yesterday that he’s pretty sure he got it from going home with some girl at a bar (something a mother doesn’t want to hear!)
But that just shows that they are careless about their own health.
I would pretty upset too if I were you and my son brought it home after a relapse. And yet, the virus is everywhere, but it still feels like another side effect of their addiction.
My son cares about himself only too. The addiction makes them so narrow minded that it is all they think about. That’s what is hard for me. We’re supposed to be the loving mothers and caring about them and they not only don’t do the same, they’re often unkind. It truly makes a person crazy.
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Hi Februarymarie and everyone else who has responded and shared their stories. Thank you for your kindness and empathy. Februarymarie, you asked how I am coping with not speaking to my son; the answer is variable. I go to bed with it all on my mind and wake up with it also. It is a source of ongoing pain and sadness which I have to learn to manage. This is the son who I loved and cared for and raised on my own. Only those who have endured the catastrophic effects of addiction can truly understand how it effects those concerned. After several years of pain and heartache, I realised that it was totally destroying me and all the things I was doing was enabling him. We are talking about violence/prison/child protection meetings and horrific experiences that are permanently burnt into my mind. I am unable to say what finally made me find the strength to detach (although as a mum, you never really can). I made it clear to my son that the door was open to him if he were to change so I have to have hope. He is away from his children and I know that really hurts him so that is a great source of pain for me too. I will say no more except please take care of yourself(ves). Moment by moment/day by day is my motto. I ‘cope’ in varying degrees with varying ‘success’ and there are times when I feel I am losing it. I will say no more except thank you for your sharing and understanding. I tap into my higher power intermittently also. Lots of love to you all
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Hi Nanny ger,
I’m so sorry to read your story. I can only imagine what it’s like for you. I hope and pray that you both get the strength to get through this and that your son will seek the support and help he needs.
Take care of yourself,
Lx ❤
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It is so difficult and no one who has not been through the chaos of addiction will ever know what it’s like. I empathise with you because I know whatever we do we always wonder if it’s the right thing. We do what we have to and what feels right at the time. My thoughts are with you and you son and grandchildren you are all victims of the scum that peddle this crap x
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Nannyger thanks for sharing that.
It bought tears to my eyes.
You’ve been through so much.
Big hugs to you I hope that your son has a wake up call and seeks help. I’m sorry for all the pain u have been through.
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Thank you for your kindness. We all continue to hope. That is all that is left now
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Nannyger – my heart goes out to you and my heart is with you too. I relate to much of what you said. Sadly, I think for all of us, it’s the first thing we think of when we wake and the last thing we think of when we close our eyes at night. You’re a very courageous woman. It’s not easy to finally draw a line for self protection. As mothers it feels so wrong. I remember when my son was little, I would tell him that there was nothing that would make me stop loving him or being there. How could I have ever seen this coming?!
This is by far, the hardest thing I’ve ever dealt with in my life.
My son went home from the hospital on Thursday. He said his COVID is still lingering. He said some terrible things happened in the hospital, and then didn’t tell me what it was, so I don’t know what it could be.
An addiction counselor talked to him about some program that’s outpatient on the hospital campus. He said he wants to try it! I couldn’t believe it, because he’s never, ever agreed to anything! It’s a small, small, glimmer and I don’t want to get my hopes up because he’d have to show up.
And now that he’s home, I’m worried that he will fall back in to his usual ways. He still has all the big problems with his school and money, etc., so there’s that.
It’s strange, our relationship is so strained, and there’s so little for us to talk about that’s not a problem, I don’t even really know how to talk to the son I was so very close to.
Kate- always thinking of you. Wouldn’t it be nice if we knew what to do? Every addicted person is the same and different. Bottom line is we’re moms who want try to anything and yet have zero power over their addiction and lives.
Love to all ❤️❤️❤️
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Hello again, thank you for your kindness and sharing your stories. We all agree that it is impossible for others to understand the catastrophic effects of addiction and how it poisons the addicts and their families. My heart is permanently broken with it all and I have had to learn to ‘shelf’ it to enable to function and carry on. I wear a permanent mask on my face. Evenings can be particularly difficult as the day is coming to an end. Sleep can be an escape from the pain in my mind and the permanent heartbreak of wondering what my son us/isn’t doing. What is he feeling? Should I be reaching out to him? And then I remember the total fear of his presence and his abuse. This was for in excess of 20 years and u have tried. Truly heartwrenching and I hope that things may get better. However, I have also realised that I was getting burnt out with hope. My son is away from his children because of his addiction. What better incentive was there for trying to get sorted? My heart bleeds with it all and I have to learn to manage to live with this. I am thinking of you all. Please take care of yourselves; I continue to hope and pray for you all and your sons. Sorry for the late outpour, I hope to be able to sleep OK tonight, Sending us hugs and hope
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Hi nanny ger,
Sending you hugs and hope too.
Addiction is such a dreadful place to be. I know it must be hard for the addicts but for the families it is heartbreaking, and you don’t know if your doing the right thing or the wrong thing, we all try our best. I would just like to see a bit of effort from my Son, the last few weeks have been awful and although I have a long tether I sometimes feel that I am at the end of it and just feel like saying “that’s it, your on your own”, he always takes the easy way out or the only way out he knows, i really am so fed up of this life with an addict.
I hope you get some rest tonight.
Thinking of everyone on here and hoping you’ve had a good weekend.
Dx
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Ladies sorry to read these posts.
It really is a struggle isnt it.
I mean if life isnt hard enough juggling an addict can make it feel impossible.
This time 2 weeks ago as my husband just said he was hunting the streets of london for my son this week we have had covid again it seems there is always something.
I feel grateful he has stayed sober now for 12 days especially during covid in the house because as we know when the craving gets toi much I had visions of him leaving the house and then the guilt of knowing he could spread covid and ructions in the house. Of us trying to not let him leave.
Ridiculous as it is I wish I didnt care what the neighbours think but I do care because I have to live in this community I have fellow mums at the school and I often feel ashamed to walk out the door.
I worry what people know and gossip about me..I’d love to be the sort who doesnt give a stuff but I do and mainly as I worry for what impact that cld have on my younger son.
Silly in the grand scheme of things. I feel a failure I find all this has affected my own self worth..I know it’s not my fault and I know I’m a good caring mum but still I feel like an epic failure.
Does anyone else have those thoughts.?
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Hi Bump,
Hope you are feeling better from Covid.
Glad to hear your Son has been 12 days sober, hope he continues to do well.
I do worry about what people think and often wonder what they say, but until they have walked in our shoes they should never judge, I know some people still will. I have a few good friends who I tell everything too and I’m so glad I have them to chat too.
I sometimes wonder where it all went wrong, but can never answer it.
Hold your head up high, nobody knows what goes on inside 4 walls, luckily I have understanding neighbours who I have also told about our situation.
Take care.
Dx
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Hello, I was Christmas shopping in Birmingham today, there was a young guy selling art work, he said he was 3 months clean from heroin, he has a sponsor and is doing the 12 steps. It made me want to cry because my son is no where near accepting the help of a sponsor but also it did give me hope for the future. It felt good to see someone picking up the pieces of their life.
Praying for all of us and our boys xxx
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Hi Jem,
So lovely to see someone making the effort and also being honest about his circumstances, I understand your sadness.
Take care.
Dx
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Bump, I’m like you- I do worry what people think. I wish I didn’t. I also feel jealously about other families who have more normal lives. I know everybody has their troubles, but I do know many families, some of them my siblings, who have normal kid problems but not like this with an addicted child. I know it’s not right to be jealous, I just yearn for normalcy with normal kid stuff. And now the holidays are coming up and I always have such sadness that my immediate family is so fractured and my siblings are feeling joy at their families all getting together.
This Thursday is our Thanksgiving Day in the US. My one daughter and family are in a different state, and my daughter near me invited me and my husband over. It’s hard for me to host because I know my son is not able to attend and he’s alone- breaks my heart and yet, he created his aloneness. My daughter won’t have him over because she has little ones and he’s too unpredictable these days. In the past, my daughter would say she wouldn’t come if he’s going to be there if I had everybody at my house. I guess him quarantining from COVID solves Thanksgiving, but then there’s Christmas.
I can’t bring myself to tell my neighbors, because of some embarrassment, but also because it’s too emotional to talk about. I’ve asked my husband not to tell his family too much. My husband is not my kids dad and his family kind of judges. But I think they know because they never even bring him up.
At least we all have each other. ♥️
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Hi Jem, Bump, Deb, Februarymarie, Lindyloo and everyone else on this thread. Yes, we have each other and that brings enormous comfort to know that we are supporting each other. Bump and Jem, the days of your sons being sober/clean offer hope and we must always have that. It provides hope. I can truly identify with the forthcoming festivities and how they being all the pain to the surface. I don’t like Christmas as it epitomises all the horrible things that have gone wrong and like so many of us, we have to paint a smile on our faces. I can empathise with looking around at friends and families whose lives are not impacted by addiction and I feel like screaming ‘why, why, why? All the routine things in ‘normal’ family life like school/work/family gatherings are things that don’t happen in lives of addicts and their families; addiction has poisoned it all. The horror of my son’s addiction has impacted on me/my life in immeasurable ways that you will all understand. My heart bleeds for the hopelessness/pitifulness of all the associated happenings that I struggle to compartmentalise.I look back on the past and acknowledge that I got some things wrong in parenting; I also got some things right too. I see alot of my grandchildren (my son’s children) who I adore . As fortunate as I am to be involved in their lives, it is a reminder of the horrors of what has gone wrong with my son.
I admit to having stopped worrying about people being judgemental; I just don’t talk to anyone (except 2 people) about the path we are sharing. I don’t find it helpful and it just becomes more exhausting to deal with. I am going out for a brisk walk now, I send hope and support to you all. The sharing of info re days of being sober/clean is great to hear and cannot be overestimated in our journey of hope xxx
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Nannyger and everyone- sending you all hope and peace.. ????
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I’ll second that February Marie, you are all always in my thoughts and prayers.
Sending you all my love ❤
Lx
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Hi all, hoping and praying that everyone is as well as can be expected.
I’ve contacted the thread so that Joanie can find us to find some kind words of support and advice.
Sending hugs ❤
Lx
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Hi Everyone. I hope that others can continue to find hope and support amongst this forum. I hope that those whose sons (other family members who are addicts) who have reported being clean/sober for significant time remains. Sadly, I have indirect news that my son for whom I am estranged is likely to be back in prison. My heartache and overwhelming sadness resurfaces; of course, it never goes away as you will understand. I will say no more except that I am finding strategies for me to manage this for the longterm. It isn’t going away and I am truly despairing with the nightmare of it all. I won’t go into anymore detail. This is recurring and I had to say ‘goodbye’ to my son as it was totally destroying me . When I see his children, it serves to remind me of what he is missing and that hurts me too. So I need to work to strategies that will support me to manage this in the least damaging way possible. Painful and desperately sad but this is here to stay. Glad to be able to share. I send hope to you all, peace also, when you can find it
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Hi Nanny ger, I’m so sorry to read your story. It’s heartbreaking to hear that the only way for you to deal with this, for your own health, is to walk away for the time being.
I know this must be hard , I can’t imagine what that would be like.
I hope that your grandchildren will get you through this difficult time.
Have a peaceful weekend.
Sending you much love,
Lx
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Hi nannyger- I’m sorry to hear the news about your son. It really doesn’t go away, you just bury it to get by. It’s hard when our children do not grow up and display the values and morals that we know we imparted to them. Their addictions are unfortunately a life sentence for us it seems, because even if we physically can’t be with them, our hearts and minds never stop thinking of them. I suppose I will never stop wondering how it all went so wrong. I will pray for you and your heart. It’s not easy to walk away, it protects you from the onslaught, but the heart hurts.
My son has been home from the hospital for a couple of weeks now. I’ve spoken to him just a couple of times. He told me that when he fell in the ER waiting room, he fell face first and broke a bone in his face. In the past, he has broken both of his legs on different occasions, split his head open numerous times from falling. He has a lesion on his tongue that may or may not be from a seizure. It’s all more than a mother’s heart can bear. And I’m powerless to do a thing to help. He frustrates me because in the hospital, he seemed so open and excited to participate in some outpatient program that they were offering and since being home, he hasn’t done anything about it. And of course, his life is a terrible mess, and that’s usually the catalyst for his relapse. He wasn’t mean or rude in our last conversation, but I could tell he was trying to work me so that I’ll feel bad for him and give him money. I still can’t believe that he says he’d rather be on the street than work some job that isn’t “right” for him. I sure hope he’s just bluffing. He said he’ll be out of money in mid-January.
I have many things to be grateful for, but Christmas is just hard and always gets me down.
Kate- I’m thinking of you this holiday season. The first set of holidays are always very difficult, and I hope you and your family can get through it okay.
Love to all… ????????
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Thank you it was my sons 30th this week so that was difficult now Christmas and his inquest to come. I miss him so much but I wouldn’t wish the life of an addict back on him xx wishing you all luck
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Hi Kate- yes, I remember when my first young husband died, the first everything was so hard. The next time around was better. The first anniversary of his death was very, very hard and I thought I would go backwards in my grief, but thankfully I didn’t.
Peace to you. ????
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Hi ladies, I wondered if you could reply to Joanie59. I think she’s find it difficult to find the Theresa thread which is on the Share your Story heading. Her story is on the next heading Drugs Alcohol etc.
She really needs some words of advice and support regarding her son.
I think she would benefit from knowing she’s not alone in this nightmare that is addiction.
Thank you all so much,
Kate – you and your family are always in my thoughts and prayers. ❤
Lx hugs to all
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Hi Lindyloo,
I have replied to Joanie, hoping that it helps.
Thinking of everyone on here, take care all.
Dx
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Thanks Debc, much appreciated, I’m sure Joanie will too.
Xx
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Lindyloo- I sure will!
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Thanks February Marie- I knew I could count on you lovely ladies!
Hope everyone has a peaceful weekend.
Lx
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Lindyloo- I just wanted to thank you for the kind words you always share, and sticking with us all even though your son is doing fairly well. I don’t know if your son knows that you’re on this chat, but if he does, you let him know that this mom over in the USA is very proud of him of his hard work on staying sober! I know he’s had his slips, but he seems to get up and get going again and I’m sure that it is not easy for him. ????????
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Thank you February Marie, I’m scared to talk about his recovery in case I somehow jinx it! He doesn’t know I chat here. But I have mentioned I’ve spoken to others in a similar position and people in recovery. I like to stay in touch. People here very kindly supported me when I couldn’t (and still can’t) talk to my close relatives.
The regular meetings for recovering addicts are very important, they can’t afford to get too complacent with their recovery. He’s enjoying buying nice things for himself which he has never done in the past. He still has a temper but will apologise now. I still keep praying for him to get the strength to keep fighting, also for your lads too. Never give up hope . I hope the rest of the weekend is peaceful for everyone.
Stay strong
Sending hugs ❤ Lx
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How do u find other threads.?
My son has kicked off everyday this week..yesterday u hid in my room ..today we have been a xmas Santa experience all day..all day he plagued me with calls asking g me to get some vape stuff
.and when I got in and gave it he then kicked off he has followed me around the house swearing and shouting being very aggressive in front of my 8 year old son.
I feel a relapse is on the cards he isnt doing any meetings and is becoming increasingly volatile.
I’ve recently contemplated harming or killing myself as I just cant take this anymore I’m living in a house with a volatile animal we are all scared of him weve tried to ask him to leave again but he kicks off and we are too scared to do anything.
This is hell. I cant even enjoy life when he is off the drugs as what hes done to his personality means he still is intolerable.
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Hi Bump,
What other threads are you trying to find? I’m not very good navigating things but sure someone can help.
I really know what you mean about the shouting and swearing, but I think my Son had drink and drugs last night, he is absolutely vile today and doesn’t give a damn how loud he is, my neighbours must dread it when he starts shouting. But he does the same when he’s not drank and taken drugs, I really think he needs to see a psychiatrist, Or I will need to see one.
Please don’t harm yourself Bump, do you have anybody close who you can talk too?
It is HELL, and I do wish I had a crystal ball to see if this will ever end, because right now I can’t see it.
Always here to chat, take care.
Dx
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Hi Bump- I can hear that you’re at your wit’s end. Please reach out to someone who can help if you really get to a bad place. I’m sure a lot of it is just wanting the madness and pain to stop. You have an 8 year old child who needs you and your husband needs you to and any other family members, and friends who love you. You matter to all of them. I have to tell myself the same thing when I get like this because you really start to feel worthless and the never-ending battle just wears you out.
You shouldn’t have to feel like this in your own house.
DebC- I’m sorry to hear your son is being vile and rude. You don’t deserve that treatment in your own home.
I think sometimes we feel like we’re supposed to take anything they dish out because we’re their moms and they’re ill, but that’s just not right. We’re moms. but we’re people too.
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Hi Februarymarie,
I think they forget that we are people, all they think about is themselves and it is very wearing. He is living in my house some weeks rent free as he owed money out, lots of money, and then he moans there is nothing to eat, which is ridiculous as we have a full fridge and freezer. I’m not a violent person but he really pushes all my buttons.
This illness they say they have is starting to wear thin too. Most people who have an illness at least try to make themselves feel better.
Lindyloo, I’m so glad that you Son is doing well, at least he is trying to get better.
Take care all.
Dx
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Thanks for all your support.
I think when we say its waring g thin we all know it’s an understatement. I’m sure all our nerves are shattered.
I just dont know if it will ever get better..I feel personally ike we flit from utter chaos to just chaos.
Im Demoralised (putting it mildly) by the fact even off substances that my son is frankly still a nightmare.
A never ending nightmare of abuse.
Sometimes when the term disease is used I despair..who labelled this self inflicted problem as a.disease.?
All i can see that label serves to do is give afficts the right to feel sorry for themselves…a disease is something ypu cant control.
By giving an addict this excuse gives them the green light to use it as a label to continue.
I’m sorry but my son is doing the minimum ..an occasional visit to AA is what weve seen so far hence the agitation and aggression as I’m sure hes craving.
He has ruined the last 6 christmases and now hes ruining it for his younger brother.
Sorry guys I thoroughly dislike my son at the moment and am sick of the pain hes causing the rest of us.
I am struggling as I just never feel happy.
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Keep strong people xxxx
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Lindyloo that is so good to hear..I will focus on what can be achieved and try bot to focus on the negatives.
I’m plsed u can see progress in your son. As u say they can never be complacent.
Sorry for my rants…I come here as a safe place to share and i hope i dont offend anyone when the anger and hurt take over.
I think the long covid and having had it recently wiped me out of energy and as we know the stress of our situations does drain us normally.
I need to focus my mind on positive things and not let it get to me.
Thanks all for your kind words and positive stories
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Bump, you have been through such a lot, never feel that you have to apologise. I agree, the long covid definitely compounds a situation.
My health has improved thankfully, but still using inhalers and avoiding hilly walks.
Please try to focus on your own recovery if you can Bump. Don’t let this evil addiction take over all your lives. I wish I had all the answers, I really do, but please know that all of us on this thread are here for you.
Sending you much love ❤
Lx
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Hello to all I’ve been reading your posts and mostly mums with adult sons. I’m in need of some advice about a month ago I snapped and told my husband that he’s an addict and needs to sort himself out of course he denied it I’ve helped in the past but he broke and told me then he lasted 6 months about5 year back he’s more deceitful I never see him doing it but hear him but his moods are so nasty now vile name calling I’ve ignored it over last 3 weeks his parents away and live next door.but his mum told me before going away that he snapped at her.after got back last Sunday my husband left I don’t know what was said ? Think I’m to blame as usual as there not spoke to me. I really want to tell all.I can’t forgive him this time and I’m hurt 26 Years together and he’s left me and my teen sons for coke
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Hello to all I’ve been reading your posts and mostly mums with adult sons. I’m in need of some advice about a month ago I snapped and told my husband that he’s an addict and needs to sort himself out of course he denied it I’ve helped in the past but he broke and told me then he lasted 6 months about5 year back he’s more deceitful I never see him doing it but hear him but his moods are so nasty now vile name calling I’ve ignored it over last 3 weeks his p away and live next to us but his mum told me before going away that he snapped at her.after got back last Sunday my husband left I don’t know what was said ? Think I’m to blame as usual as there not spoke to me. I really want to tell all.I can’t forgive him this time and I’m hurt 26 Years together and he’s left me and my teen sons for coke
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My heart goes out to you and his parents. My son was addicted to coke he could be so nasty to the people who cared for him and as a family it was a nightmare. I have no suggestions I’m afraid he either gets help or not. There’s no easy answer sadly Keep speaking on here for support.
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Hi Bump, Kate1, Lindyloo, February marie and everyone else on this thread. If I have omitted your name, it isn’t because you are not part of the support/communication trail. Thank you for sharing your despair Bump, you are amongst people who can share and empathise and you need never apologise. I am struggling myself right now. Those of you who have read my posts in the past will be aware that I am estranged from my son after decades of nightmare scenarios that were totally destroying me and were enabling my son. I have found out indirectly that my son is very likely back in prison and my heart weeps for the despair of it all. I am resisting making further enquiries as we have been here before. The recurring questions/if’s/whats/maybe’s that graze on my mind. I am attempting to find strategies to take care of myself and ‘park’ the horrors of it all on a ‘shelf’ in my mind to enable me to continue. I send l hope to you all; to your loved ones also. Please take care of yourselves
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Hello everyone,
I’m thinking of all of us. Bump, I’m really sorry things are so bad at the moment. I think its probably the not being able to see how things can get better any time soon without something changing dramatically, that is the real killer. That’s the thing that I wake up with, how will this ever change! Please try and get some counselling from someone who understands addiction and what you’re going through. Adfam offer 6 free one-to-one support sessions with a counselor. https://adfam.org.uk/help-for-families/finding-support/request-support.
I’ve come to dread Christmas, probably like everyone else here, its easier not to expect anything from it, but hope that there isn’t a disaster. Last year I had to stay at my mum’s because she was really ill and my son was phoning and texting because my partner was rationing his codeine tablets, because he was terrified he’d take to many.
This year my partner is going away to his family and I am staying with my son, which takes some of the pressure off all of us.
Nanny ger, I really feel for you as well, I’m sorry things are so bad, at some point your son will wake up and realize what he’s doing.
Lindy – its great that your son is still on track, but he’s worked hard at it. Going to meetings must be very tough to start with.
Kate1, – always thinking of you, I know Christmas will be difficult, I hope you can be with your daughter and grandchild.
Ifonly – Hello, I am really sorry to hear your story. Its hard to comprehend how someone rejects their family in favor of drugs but its a compulsion that they can’t get a handle on. I was listening to the retired footballer, Paul Merson, talk about his gambling addiction and how he gambled away £7m, homes, everything. Even last year in lockdown he gambled the deposit he and his new wife were saving so they could buy their own home. Its impossible for us to comprehend and there is so little we can do other than try and point them towards places they can get help. I hope that your sons are doing okay, its so hard on them.
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Hi Everyone, thank you for your shared experiences, reduces the feelings of isolation . I am working hard at managing my emotions. Sadness, hopelessness and desperation ; emotions that are integrated into my life.
The story of Lindyloo’s son is a ray of hope.
I just feel so desperately sad and am aware that this is never going away. The sadness of my son not being part of his children’s lives is a permanent wound in my heart and a constant reminder of the hell of it all.
Christmas magnifies it all as many of you will understand. Happy family scenarios played out everywhere when my/our lives are falling apart with the nightmare of it all. I need to share my desperation and sadness here .
I hope you have a peaceful day
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Nanny ger- it’s amazing how quickly our feelings come straight to the surface again when things go bad. I’m sorry that you’re feeling so down. And it sure seems like things always go bad around the holidays- it often happens to me with my son.
I can’t even remember a Christmas in many years that wasn’t tinged with sadness.
I hope you can find some joy in your grandchildren even though they’re a reminder of your son. ♥️
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Reading everyone’s posts takes me back. It’s easy and maybe right that when I remember my son I forget all those awful times and recall his inner goodness and he was good. It’s the drugs and the dealers that are bad. I miss him so much but would hate him to still be trapped in that torment. Thinking of you all xx
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Kate – I hadn’t seen your message when I posted. Its great that you can remember your son as the person he truly was and the good times you had before all of this.
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As long as they are alive there is hope xx
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Hi Kate, you should remember your son and his goodness, that is his true essence and sadly we know that addiction covers that up. And yes, those drug lords, traffickers, and dealers are murderers in a true sense. They have on their conscience all the lives of these addicts who they hold hostage to a degree.
I hope that you will forgive me for being spiritual here, but I believe in an afterlife where we are purified and made new in God’s love and I believe your son is too. ♥️
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I believe in an afterlife as well. I have no doubts xx
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Hi to all the mums on this thread
Many of you have advised me to read it
It made me cry and also laugh in a few places
I too have a adult alcoholic son
And can relate to so much of this
Sometimes it’s not the despair its the hope that things will get better
That makes things even harder to handle
That is a quote from a film John Cleeves was in
My son is 49 and has been at various stages of drinking since he was 16
He joined the navy and all it did was teach him to drink
Even today I think that naval crew have a rum ration but now it’s larger
Now after 2 failed relationships
Its me that has the burden of caring for him
Its hell it’s ruining my life and my relationship with my partner of 36 years
Trying to get help is like walking through treacle
He’s two and bit weeks out of a serious bender
Which made him so unwell
We are now at the “I’m Sorry Stage “
I’ve been staying with him while hes recovering
Leaving my home friends and family
To put up with this nonsense
We are going back to my home for Christmas
He won’t drink while I’m with him
It’s like a hostage situation
But I’m hopeful again that this time he will be ok he is on antidepressants stomach pills
And diazepam to take the edge off
And has had 2 counseling sessions
I’ve contacted drugfam to get help for myself
All I can do now is prey we are off the merry go round
I so admire you brave mums
Fighting to protect your sons
Hope we can all have some peace
Joanie ????
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Hi Joanie- welcome. You are among a good group of ladies who share your story.
It’s hard that at this point of your life, that you’re still caring for an adult child. This should be a time in our lives where we’re sitting back and watching our adult kids make their own way.
I hope you can find some time for yourself to get a bit of peace. ♥️
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Thank you jem katie1 nannyger cherryb your replies meant a lot and it’s a relief to talk and bump I understand how bad the mood swings are. If it’s not a bad mood he’s full of big ideas and promises that never happen. Since he left on Sunday I’ve slept better had no anxiety.Saturday was awful his mood was bad.he got that bad both my lads told him to shut up which he didn’t like. And he left on Sunday I’ve had no contact but I spotted him today i was driving and he looked rough so still on his bender in denial so I’m having to leave him to it. I don’t need to make excuses to our kids anymore because despite everything they are amazing young men now they understand the effects of drugs and mental health..
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After a really crap year, something really good happened. After losing my doodle at the end of August, I have taken on a 3 year old miniature poodle, really well behaved, no hang-ups, super obedient. She has really lifted my spirits and given me a reason to get up in the mornings and get out for a walk. I know its a small thing, but having something go right gives me a bit of hope for the year ahead.
Joanie – hello, your story is hard to read, the wasted years is awful to think about, and the toll on your relationship. The John Cleeves quote is very appropriate, it is the hope that makes this so hard.
Thinking about everyone on this thread and hoping today is okay xxx
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Jem- how wonderful for you. Dogs are the best, and love unconditionally which which we all need when sometimes you feel unloved or unappreciated by the addict in your life. ????
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Hello my friends, I was just thinking of everyone and wondering how everyone’s sons are doing and how you are all dealing with Christmas. Fortunately, it is a busy time of year and has many good distractions too. For me, I usually get a little down about this time knowing that things in my family are not great. My son has been out of the hospital for detox and Covid for about a month now. I’ve been in communication with him mostly by text. He ‘seems’ sober although I am very disappointed that he has not followed up with the program that was recommended to him at the hospital. He waited weeks because he said they would call him (which I don’t think is true) and he said he called them the other day and got a voicemail. I don’t know if he did or not or is just saying what I want to hear. He has been spending the majority of time trying to figure out a way to continue his PhD program so he can continue the student loans- his source of income which is terrible.
He has expressed that he is lonely. I told him that I would like to see him before Christmas. It’s too soon for him to be at a family gathering. I’m pretty sure it’ll be too much for him and then he’ll probably relapse. He goes between saying that he is sorry for what he’s done to the family, to the family should apologize to him for judging him for being an alcoholic (which is not true). And how stressed he is that he could be homeless in less than a month. And yet I don’t see him doing anything to stop that from happening.
I’m very frustrated and a bit angry too. I want to see him and I don’t want too. He’s done a lot of crappy things to me recently ( and for years) and it hasn’t been that long. I’m wary of him. I’ve asked my sister to go with me so I’m not alone. His sister at first agreed to go and now she said she changed her mind.
And there’s always the dilemma of what you buy an addict for Christmas. They don’t really want anything but money which he’s not going to get from me. I’ll come up with something like clothes etc., but I know he could care less about clothes. books, gift cards. I’ve bought him gift cards to grocery stores before, but now they all sell alcohol and I don’t want to contribute to that.
I hope you’re all holding up okay and feeling some joy in this holiday, I’ll be loving on my darling grandkids. ❤️????????
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Hello everyone,
My son is still in hospital. He has had a rough time since we last spoke. Further surgeries and emergencies; I almost lost him again. He is doing okay for now. I mean he’s alive. I am lucky. Some of us have lost a loved one.
I have decided to retire early which means I will be poor as I still have a mortgage, bills etc, and my pension won’t cover this, but I really do think it will be for the best. I’m excited and terrified about it in equal measures. My own health has taken a nose dive – physically more than mentally. I am struggling to come to terms with how my life has turned out due to the stress of the last decade.
But hey, , I’m a survivor. I have faith in myself that an opportunity will come along in one form or another, and I’ll be fine.
I often pop in and read about everyone and their sons on this thread. We are all good, kind and especially strong individuals now, but I feel true happiness eludes us all. Partly or mostly because of the chains of addiction, which is sad as the addictions don’t belong to us.
This time last year my son was a missing person. It’s only on reflection I can see how ill I’d become.
My mother and I sat together on Christmas Day waiting and hoping. My son turned up around 8pm, filthy and high. He had been sleeping rough on the streets of Liverpool for some weeks. We thought he was dead.
He sat and ate some food, then we coaxed him to have a bath. He injected heroin whilst in the bathroom. He came downstairs, put his new clothes on, took his Christmas money and a bottle of wine then headed off into the night. It was awful and my mother and I swore we would never have another Christmas like that again, and we won’t. This year my son will spend Christmas in hospital; brain damaged with half his skull missing. The Dr’s have prescribed methadone and other drugs every day because without these monitored medications his body would go into withdrawal and there is a good chance that would kill him. His addiction is only stable right now because he is in a clinical environment.
I could write about my sons journey for hours; forever. I won’t take up everyones time though. I just wanted to pop in to update and say Hi.
I admire all of us women ( and anyone else who finds some sort of relief from our trauma and our stories) on this site. I am sorry we are forgotten by society and there is nowhere tangible for us to go and receive help. I am so thankful that you are all out there and that I have a place where I can rant, relate and empathise. I think of you all and your sons often.
I have no answers, there have been so many ifs, buts and why’s on this incredibly sad, lonely and dangerous journey we are on.
This Christmas I will be at my mums. I haven’t really indulged in alcohol for many years because I always like to find myself in a situation where I can always jump into my car to go to the rescue, which I have done over and over again. This year my son is safe and so am I , so its Champagne and sparkly shoes all the way!
Please know that I care about all of us here.
love
Ivy x
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Hi Ivy- I’m glad to hear from you! I’ve thought of you often and have wondered how things are going for you and your son. I’m sorry to hear that things are not great with him. He’s definitely in the right place right now to be cared for. It’s crazy to say, but we moms actually ‘relax’ mentally a little when they’re in the hospital (or sadly, even in jail), because we know where they are and that they are safe and sober.
Ivy, it sounds like you have had a very hard road with your son, and yes, you are certainly are a survivor, and strong woman and a good mother.
Your last Christmas sounds really awful. They are addicted and that is all that is on their brain, and their addiction makes them just stomp on the hearts of those who love them.
I’m glad you at least have some peace this Christmas knowing where he is and that he is in a secure place. I hope that it will allow you to have a little bit of joy on your holiday.
Peace and love.. ????
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It makes me so angry to see what your loved ones are doing to you. I had the same for years. Much as I love and miss my son he is away from those dealers that encouraged his addiction. Our lives have been made hell and I wish somehow I could help you all but love binds and traps us. I hope you all have the best Christmas you can and us without my son. Christmas was never straight forward though I know he tried. My thoughts are with you xx stay strong look after you
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Thank you for your kind words and support Februarymarie.
The hospital called me just now. There will be no visitors allowed into the hospital from Monday 20th December because of the Omicron . They reckon this will be in place for at least two weeks.
This news and it’s implications. has not quite sunk in yet. I have also been told they are cancelling surgeries.
We are going back into lockdown here in UK.
love
Ivy x
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Thank you all for your heartfelt stories which I can truly empathise with. I send peace and strength to you all and this forum offers me a source of comfort to be able to link in with people who can share the emotional rollercoaster of the hell of addiction and the consequences. Sleep is my only escape from it all and even then, I wake in the night with it stirring in my mind. Take care of yourselves as much as you are hell and to. I hope and pray for our sons/other family members with addictions. I don’t like Christmas. Somehow it epitomises the hell and unfairness of it all. Enough said, take care
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Hi to all the brave mums on this thread
The devastation these addiction cause is so sad
I like most of you are just getting through the days
It breaks my heart that our sons can destroy themselves
I am at my home with my son he is sober hasn’t had a drink for a good while now maybe six weeks I’ve lost track of the days really
He won’t drink while I’m with him
He has put weight on and has had 5 counselling sessions
It’s all very normal here but it’s a false sense of security
He can go from hero to zero overnight
He’s not working has a sick note until the 4/1
So there’s no pressure on him
We have been Christmas shopping
Visited a art gallery a Christmas market
Been out for meals with family
My partner even took him to a low key poker night last night
Which he loved
So he’s having a little holiday
Me I’m not sleeping the weight is falling off me my relationship is suffering
But I have to be grateful that he is ok
We have Christmas mapped out
I just want it to be over !
How can I get him to be on his own
It’s like having a cuckoo in the nest
His poor daughter is so unhappy
Not sure if I said this before
But her husband has left her with a 1 year old in favour of cocaine and a young girl
My son should be there looking after her
I can’t fight the fire on both these fronts
And now the Covid will probably have us all back in lockdown
I hope we can all find some peace over Christmas
And be kind to ourselves
Love and hugs to all x
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Theresa, listen to me PLEASE. My brother lost years of his life to drugs. He’s in his 50’s now & clean but he’s very sick and won’t be around much longer. His biggest regret is all the time he’s wasted. Do better for your son and tell him he goes to rehab or you’re kicking him out NOW! It’s the only way. God bless.
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Jenny you have to stop what you’re doing and tell him he goes to rehab or he won’t be allowed in your home anymore, it’s the ONLY way to save him!
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Jenny you have to stop what you’re doing and tell him he goes to rehab or he won’t be allowed in your home anymore, it’s the ONLY way to save him.
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Test
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Jenny you have to stop what you’re doing and tell him he goes to rehab or he won’t be allowed in your home. It’s the ONLY way to save him!
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You know what you have to do Jenny.
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Jenny you have to stop what you’re doing and tell him he goes to rehab or he won’t be allowed in your home anymore.
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Jenny you have to stop what you’re doing and tell him he goes to rehab or he won’t be allowed in your home anymore.
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Jenny you have to stop what you’re doing and tell him he goes to rehab or he won’t be allowed in your home anymore, it’s the ONLY way to save him!
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Stop what you’re doing & tell him he goes to rehab or he won’t be allowed in your home anymore, it’s the ONLY way to save him!
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Hi mholes sorry about your brother.it’s not that easy to push for rehab they themselves have to want to. I told my husband he has a problem he’s an addict but because I never see him doing it he denies it. he did stay off for about 6 months that was 6 years ago I gave him the ultimatum that I would leave he promised me. Since then it’s been a secret getting worse over time. Had to tell him straight he needs help. I thought he’d cave admit it. No complete denial spent 3 weeks turning everything being my issue nasty vile comments.he then packed a bag and left me our 16 & 20 yr old. We’ve been together 28years I’ve forgiven so many times this last time I
the way he called me names so vile I can’t forgive him now I’ve got to leave my home we live with his parents they can’t cope with arguing anymore he lost our security to settle debt. He’s messaging me can’t understand why I’m still angry no remorse not one bit sorry still blaming me I’m throwing away28 years.fact he’s left to be with Charlie he’s destroyed our happy family life to have Charlie. It’s going to be the hardest thing I’ve got to do it hurts but that admitting I lost him a while back. I’m going no contact have to it might work ??
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So sorry reading these threads.
My son relapsed and had been sober for 4 weeks but weve had nothing but abuse his me talk state means every hr we dont know what we are goi g to get but mostly its volatile and aggression.
My husband and my relationship has been tested to its limit and last week my husband and me I guess said we are going to divorce..I’ve been in bits and last night my son went put and hasnt come back which is a very bad sign as this is his usual pattern when he falls off the wagon.
It’s just more stress we do t need.
Ifonly I know it’s sad that you feel like you are throwing away 28 years but I met with a girlfriend yesterday to talk about my marriage and whilst I’ve been hurting that I’ve wasted years with him she put a positive slant on it and that is rather than you saying your throwing away 28 years try looking at it as you are not throwing away anymore if your life.
The next 28 years can be positive for you with lots of wonderful possibilities.
If my son comes back in a state I’m going to have to think about kicking him out. I’m bot going to let him ruin another xmas and want my 9 year old to remember er xmas as it shld be.
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Morning Bump.
I hope your Son comes home today in a good frame of mind, it’s the waiting to see and the never ending knot in your stomach and chest.
I do hope you and your Husband can work things out. I understand the strain it has on the family. My Husband left over 2 years ago now, mostly down to my Son and also having an affair.
My Son has come home this morning after being vile to me yesterday, absolutely can’t believe what comes out of his mouth sometimes.
Thinking of everyone on here and hoping Addiction doesn’t spoil our Christmas.
Take care all.
Dx
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Hi Bump, I’m sorry to read your post about you and your husband. Perhaps it isn’t all because of your addicted son, but the I’m sure the stress of it doesn’t help. I hope that you and your husband can have some clarity to be sure if it’s what’s best. It must hard for everyone, and I think of your 9 year old son who is impacted by it all. Perhaps some counseling will help him to navigate all the things going on around him.
I’ll keep your whole family in my prayers. ????????
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Hi bump thank you for your reply I understand what you’re friend is saying.about6 years ago my husband promised to stop he was a mess he lasted 6 months since then it’s been his secret but his mood swings have been constant for5 years now and I have tried and hoped we would be us again for20 years was tthe best I don’t regret them walking away now is what I need to do and his parents agree
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Merry Christmas to you all! I hope that you are able to have some peace, joy, love, and no drama this Christmas.
♥️????????
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Hi February Marie and all the wonderful strong, caring mums on this thread.
Wishing you all a loving and peaceful Christmas and I hope 2022 will be a good year for everyone.
God bless you all – sending love and hugs to you . ❤
Lx
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Hi all,
Wishing everyone on here a Happy Christmas and a Happy New Year ????
Take care all.
Dx
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Thinking about everyone here today and hoping things are okay. My son is with me, which is so much better than the years when his phone has been away and I’ve had no idea where he is. He is doing better and I’m grateful for that.
God bless x
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Happy Christmas Jem,
Glad your Son is doing better.
Have a lovely day.
Take care.
Dx.
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Hi Jem, Happy Christmas ????
That’s great news, best present you could have this Christmas.
Enjoy your time together, God bless you too!
Lx ❤
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Jem, I’m glad that today is good for you and your son. That’s good enough just for today right?
Merry Christmas!! ????
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Hi Everyone, I send peace, hope and love to you all. Details spared of our nightmare journeys and experiences at this time. For those whose recent moments and experiences have been ok, I am truly pleased.
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I hope everyone had a good christmas yesterday or at least as good as it can be.
My son who we ended call police on last week when he relapsed as we refused him enter to the house. We tried to stand firm but he then threatened to kick the door down when we then gave in he came in and was kicking off…i called the police but wish i hadnt as my son then said that it was me!!! Although they removed him from the house he has told me that apparently they said they a doing a referral to social services…I dont know if I’ve actually done anything thing wrong not allowing a 22 year old grown man who is an addict into the house? We were trying to stand firm.
I hope that they see we are just trying to stand up and stop enabling his behaviour and protect my youngest.
Anyway after a horrific week we did let him home after a couple of days I hoped he wld see what he was doing but he came back very angry and continues to drink.
We had no alcohol in the house for christmas but smuggled some and hid it in the garden to have a glass when he went to his room!!
I have to say though we had a lovely day in the end my son engaged with the family and was lovely..I wish he was like it everyday.
He said though he has decided hes not going to do AA until the new year and has plans to go drinking etc with friends..sadly we know where this ends.
I have to take the positives and that yesterday which is the day i was dreading him ruining actually turned out well.
And for that I’m grateful. My youngest had a fab day and even my husband and I put our differences to one side.
So I hope that all you have some positives from yesterday even with this awful addiction of these hanging over us.
Kate I know how hard your first Christmas would have been, I thought of you. I hope you managed to have some nice time with the rest of ypur family.
Xxx
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Sorry you have had such a bad time. No you haven’t done anything wrong I doubt the police will make a social care referral other than to try to get him some support as an addict. That’s if he isn’t lying. As you know they do lie.
My Christmas has been quiet and tearful but I remember my son with good memories the bad ones have long faded. Xx. Stay strong look after yourself
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Hi Kate
My thoughts were also with you and your family. I’m glad that your happy memories of your son overshadowed the more difficult ones. I’m sure your daughter and little grandchild will help you through into the New year.
Bump – So sorry to read that your son is restless again through addiction. But, I’m glad that Christmas was happier for you, I continue to pray to keep us and our families strong in the fight against addiction ❤
Take care of you Bump
Sending you all hugs
Lx
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Bump, It’s really good that your family had a good Christmas Day, I’m sorry that you’re son is still in such a bad way and have such a negative impact on your family.
You’ve got solid grounds for not letting him in the house when he’s out of control with a 9 year old to protect. What else could you do? I’m so sorry you’re going through this, the stress when there’s a younger child in the family must be terrible.
Kate, I thought about you yesterday, I hope you got to see or will be seeing your grandchild xxx
Fingers crossed for a peaceful Boxing Day x
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Hi everyone
Hope you all manage to get though Christmas Day and Boxing Day
My son is still with me at my home and he has been ok I’ve hardly left him in over 7 weeks now
He’s helped me cook and joined in with the family having meals and playing cards and sipping cola
I wish I knew what was going on in his head
And how im going to get him to be on his own in his own house and working
His counsellor has funding for into the new year so im pinning my hopes on that
A 49 year old really shouldn’t be with his mum but it’s better that the binge drinking and wrecking his home
And ending up in hospital again
But I do feel im being held hostage by him
Is it selfish to want a life a holiday a relationship with my partner
Take care of yourselves finger crossed for a better new year for us all
X Joanie
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Joanie- I don’t think it’s selfish at all to want to have a life of your own. It must be hard to have him with you even though he’s good. We should be done parenting and enjoying life after our raising of our kids is done. I think if anyone told us when we become mothers that we’d be parenting forever, we’d think twice.
Bump- I’m sorry to hear that you had some issues with your son. It’s so much harder with their addiction when it’s right in your face- exhausting. I’m glad you had a good Christmas Day too.
I’m glad that most of you seemed to have a good day. My son was good too. I saw him earlier in the week and we had a nice lunch. And he was good yesterday. We talked on the phone. He’s in a positive state of wanting to put this year behind him, which unfortunately, I’ve heard so many times. I’m sure he really believes it and then something happens. I just encouraged him.
It was nice to not have a Christmas where I went to bed and cried privately.
Love to all. ♥️
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Hi, I’m glad that Christmas has offered some hope and ok’ish times for some. It has enabled more thoughts of sadness and despair to occupy my mind. I am looking forward for it all to be over. I apologise if this sounds negative but my heart is permanently wounded from the sadness and despair of it all. Spending time with family members who are leading ‘normal’ lives only serves to epitomise where it has all gong wrong with my son. I am revisiting strategies to compartmentalise the sadness of it all to allow me to continue with some quality of life. I accept that this is something that will always be present in my life. I send peace and hope to you all and for those with addictions
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Nannyger- everything you are feeling is completely valid and oh so real. This is our private burden that we try to hide. Like you Jem, I will forever wonder how it got to this place. Christmas is so beautiful in many ways, especially the spiritual side for me, but as far as the family side, it’s always hard for me too. My immediate family is not “together”. I had always dreamed of my family, children, spouses, and grandchildren gathering around the table for years to come. We used to have it, but now we don’t, maybe forever. I try to accept what it is now. I just took a long nap on Christmas Day and watched NFL football.
I struggle with family members who have more normal lives. I wouldn’t take it away from them for anything, but I sure wonder “why”.
Bump, I’ve done lots of Al-anon. The best part of it is that it all about keeping the focus on bettering yourself. The part I don’t like is that (maybe only here in America), it’s very structured and they don’t like you to talk about your addicted person, which is why I need this place.
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Hi nanny ger, I’m sorry that Christmas has been so hard and painful. Reading your email reminded me so much of my last few Christmases, trying to fix on a smile that doesn’t want to be there for other people living more normal lives, and constantly going round and round the question of how on earth we got here. I don’t think the pain ever goes away, like you have said, its about remembering strategies that have helped before in surviving and not going mad. I obsess about the start of all of this, a few years ago, when my son lived in another city and had a good job. I wish so much that I had known about it when he first started using.
Its very hard to extract much joy from life when all of this is going on in the background.
Something that has helped me is from the 12 steps, there is stuff written for families, and it talks about just focusing on today, making a decision at the start of the day that this is all you’re going to worry about – sometimes it works! I try and hold on to the fact that lots of people do recover.
I hope you find some peace xxx
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Oh nannyger I’m so sad for you.
I think your right about trying to compartmentalise his issues but as we know it’s easier said than done. But we all have to try.
My son has been drinking since boxing day. He came back drunk yesterday and then flipped I to bed when he woke he said he wasnt going to drink….. it of course today he has now come.home and collapsed into the fast food he bought.
Weve left him there …we are fortunate that our house is large enough to distance my youngest he is unaware of it all sitting eating g pizza watching a movie in another room.
I hope when my other son wakes he just heads to his bed and sleeps it off.
It is the constant presence that is so depressing..even when I’m out and “enjoying” myself it’s never far from my mind.
I try to take positives from it where I can…so today I spent quality time with my younger son and because my addict kept till midday and then went out most of the day was peaceful.
Love to all of ypu and just hang on in therexx
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Jem.your message appeared while I wrote..I will have to look at the 12 steps. I may try the meetings for family members..has anyone else been?
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I hope everyone here is coping ok since Christmas.
Since christmas day my son has been drinking and last night we dropped him to the cinema and at 3.30am when I woke up he wasnt back…he eventually turned up at about 4.30 and clearly has taken drugs. Hed also decided in his drug induced madness to take the charity shop donations and bow his room is full of a out 5 massive bags of other peoples crap.
He kept us awake all night and this morning when I popped my head round his door he woke and started being aggressive..eyes like saucers…he kicked off at me and so we have made the decision to just all leave the house and come out for the day.
So advice please.. we have tried to kick him out…we were successful before in getting him housing but so far he keeps coming back.
I dont want him on the streets but we cant live like this and we have a young child we are desperate to protect.
Now.my son is 22 do I have any responsibility to home him? Can I get I trouble for kicking him out?
I worry because when hes off his head he .makes himself very vulnerable.
Does anyone have any experience ce with adult social services as an option?
Does anyone know what options I have and if I have any legal responsibility to him.
I’m also thinking of my young son. He cant grow up like this. And my husband and I who already are discussing divorce will ha e breakdown s if this continues.
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Hi Bump,
Sorry you are having deal with this, the joys of living with an addict.
I would imagine as he is over the age of 18, he would be classed as a responsible adult.
You have to think of you and your Husband and your younger Son, and it is a hard decision but sometimes we have to be cruel to be kind.
Take care.
Dx
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Hi Bump- I’m sorry you’re going through this. I hear the desperation in your voice. Your addicted son is clearly holding the whole household hostage with his behaviors. Kate is right, he’s an adult and she’s also right that you could come under more scrutiny if you don’t protect your young son. He’s only 9 and can’t protect himself, so he’s relying on you and your husband to do that for him.
Since I’m in the United States, I can’t speak to any of the legal things or housing or shelters that they have there. And I’m also a mom of an addicted son who’s stumbling along too. So I rely on professionals to guide me, so I can share with you what I’ve been told by professionals. I think one of the hardest things we have to do is to set boundaries with our addicted sons. I read a lot of books, (which I’ll mention below), and much of what I’ve read or been told by counselors is that you can’t set a boundary with an addict and then go back on it. In the past when I have done this with my son, after I’d given in and then tried to say no again- he didn’t believe me, and the outbursts from him only escalate to try and get his way again. It sounds like that is what happens with your son. I told a counselor once, ‘he’s killing me’ and he said that I’m letting him kill me- ouch.
This is so very hard as we know they have an addiction and their brains aren’t right. But if they don’t do anything to help themselves, then we’re made to suffer more and that’s just not right or fair. I’m told most addicts won’t change unless they have to and if I enable my son, then I’m getting in the way of him getting better.
I like to read books because I feel more empowered knowing other’s stories.
Here are a few that have helped me:
Don’t Let Your Kids Kill You- Charles Rubin ( both of his only children-sons- are/were addicts).
Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children- Allison Botke
When our Grown Kids Disappoint Us- Jane Adams
I’m wishing you all a Happy New Year. I hope 2022 will be a new beginning for all of us and our addicted children.
Love to all….❤️
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Your son is an adult and is responsible for his housing. If you make him homeless he will have to go to a night shelter or B and B. And present at council as homeless. You have no legal responsibility to home him especially if you have a young child. Social services are more likely to get involved if a child is being exposed to an addict. Look after yourselves
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My heart goes out to you. I have had several similar experiences when I was scared to be at home. After several years of abuse and feeling scared, I had to find the strength to say goodbye although that remains a permanent wound in my heart. There are no easy answers. I sometimes think that if I had been less enabling previously that the situation wouldn’t have got to where I am today but who knows? My son is away from his children and that really hurts. I am home alone tonight after some tension between me and my partner due to matters indirectly related. So sadness all around. I apologise for always seeming so negative but this is the only place where I can be truly honest. I will pour myself a glass of something and go to bed. Sleep is my escape from the pain of it all. I send hope and peace to you all
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Thinking of everyone on here as we face another new year. Bump, you have to put yourself and the other people in your family first.
Another book that’s worth a read is Understanding and Helping an Addict (and keeping your sanity), it’s written by a doctor who had a problem with drugs so he sees it both ways. Written by Andrew Proulx. It cost around £3 on kindle but is brilliant.
I know how overwhelming this is and that the crazy person who is off his head isn’t the person you know and love but he’s still in there somewhere. Until he’s ready to listen there isn’t much you can do. Keeping your family on track so that he can see something that he can’t destroy, that’s stronger than he is, will probably help him the most in the long run.
I’m thinking about you x
Sorry this is disjointed, my phone screen is playing up.
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Thinking of everyone on here as we face another new year. Bump, you have to put yourself and the other people in your family first.
Another book that’s worth a read is Understanding and Helping an Addict (and keeping your sanity), it’s written by a doctor who had a problem with drugs so he sees it both ways. Written by Andrew Proulx. It cost around £3 on kindle but is brilliant.
I know how overwhelming this is and that the crazy person who is off his head isn’t the person you know and love but he’s still in there somewhere. Until he’s ready to listen there isn’t much you can do. Keeping your family on track so that he can see something that he can’t destroy, that’s stronger than he is, will probably help him the most in the long run.
I’m thinking about you x
Sorry this is disjointed, my phone screen is playing up.
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Nanny ger, I’m so sorry for your situation. I can relate to what you say about sleep being your refuge. Morning comes all to quickly and it’s so hard to keep facing another day with no more of a solution than you had the day before. I try to hang on to the fact that most users do get better as they get older. I remember reading that a few years ago, I hope it’s true.
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I hope everyone is doing okay and having a peaceful New Year’s Day. Bump I really hope things have calmed down.
I have just reread the chapters in the Andrew Proulx book about how to help an addict and what you should and shouldn’t do. We all need this advice on a daily basis. I made a massive mistake early in 2021 when I found my son was using again. He told me if I left him to it he’d get himself off again, and here we are nearly a year on. Perhaps if I’d said at the time that he had a month to stop or find somewhere else to live we may be in a better position now. At least he would have more respect for boundaries being set by me. I think the truth is that he is easier to live with on opiates than when he’s coming off, which is an experience I know we have to go through again but fills me with dread and fear especially with the lack of specialist support where we live.
Ivy, I thought about you over the holiday. I hope things are improving for your son and you were able to see your mum.
Kate, always thinking of you. I think your advice is very level headed and objective which can’t always be easy. I hope 2022 brings joy into your life and some peace for the rest of us.
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I don’t think I will ever have joy in my life again. Life was hard with my sons addiction it’s even harder now. I hope I can be of some support to othersxx
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No one should have to go through what you’ve been through Kate. We all think of you every day, but words probably don’t help very much. I hope your family and friends are there for you x
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Happy New Year everyone. ????
nannyger- you are not being negative, you are reaching out for support. We are all on this because of our sons and their terrible addictions and what it does to us. This is where we are able to share our deepest sorrows.
Kate- I hope that you got through these holidays okay. It may seem like you’ll never have joy again, but I pray that you do in other areas of your life. ❤️
Jem- I have made a lot of mistakes with my son too. I also did the same thing many years ago in going back on a boundary I had set. I had told him I would help him with some money, but he had to be sober in order to get it. Well, he wasn’t, so I said that’s the dealbreaker. Oh my, did he harass me constantly on the phone, texts, emails. At that time, I was so afraid of losing him in my life, that I foolishly gave in and gave him some money. I was so disgusted with myself after. I just wanted him to leave me alone, and it worked, until the next time, and then the harassment was worse and I vowed to not give in and didn’t.
From what I’ve read, if you are going to set a boundary, you must stick to it no matter what. I will be surely tested by this in about a month when my son runs out of money. He’s been threatening homelessness for about a year now. I know he’ll think “how could you let me be homeless, your own son”. I have terrible anxiety about it all. But he just can’t live with me. My health can’t take it and my marriage won’t survive it. And where is his responsibility in all this? He’s had months to plan to save himself. Where is his stake in this problem? Why should I be made to suffer and take care of his problem for him when he won’t? It’s not right. I’ll add again that my son turns 40 in a few weeks. But there’s no lying that if that day comes, I will be crying my eyes out and need lots of support. I can’t even think of it right now- it makes me sick. A day at a time…
Bump- your son is 22 and an adult. Where were we all at 22? I was married, (to my kids alcoholic father) with 2 little kids and another (accidental) one on the way. I was young, but very responsible and was working hard to be a good mom.
Like Jem said, I think it would be perfectly reasonable to give your son a timeline, maybe 2-3 months or so and he has to address his addiction and life and be a contributing member of the household or he’s out. And then the hard part for all of us, you have to stick to it.
I hope 2022 is a better year for all…????
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My son came back from Uni on the 18th December “clean for four months” he said.
He came home he was meeting his dealer every day – buying KET. Asking for his savings, bunged up bleary eyed awake all night.
I ignored it because we had a wedding, and a huge xmas lunch booked with extended family.
The day his girlfriend arrived – yesterday – I had found a ket straw in the living room. Again I ignored it, she believes everything he says and things I am an evil terrible mentally ill mother (comes with having an addict as a son, love).
As soon as she walked in the house he started flexing his muscles telling me off for buying them food!! And to stay out of their lives (in my house) I was furious.
I waited until they were ready to leave and then gave her the straw and said “there you go” he’s been relapsing for the last week and you call me a bitch. He screamed at me I’m a liar a terrible mother and need therapy, he then tried to kick the door in. I was terrified. When they left I bolted and locked the door but somehow he managed to kick it in and they went to bed. I left the house this morning, he says I am manipulative, vile, i bring out the worst in him I need therapy. He’s Ieft to move in with his girlfriend before demanding I apologise and go for therapy. Seriously how as my year ended like this. How can his girlfriend be so stupid!! I cant even tell him i love him anymore – has has STOLEN that from me.
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Hi Georgie
I’m so sorry you are going through this with your son
They really don’t know the truth from fiction
And trying to reason with drug or alcohol
Addled people is an impossible task
I know what it’s like to juggle all those balls pretending everything is ok while doing normal things like the wedding and the meal
Is a pressure cooker waiting to explode
This site is great for venting all the things you want to say to your son
But can’t
I’ve have said some awful things to my alcohol son
They make you into people you don’t recognise
And then when they are hurt or in trouble
Or done something really bad
Your go back to help them
My son got caught asleep in his car 4 and half times over the drink limit
He wasn’t driving but he had the keys
He had to go to court and ask me to write a character reference for him
I sat with that piece of paper and couldn’t think of one good thing to say about him
He hired a barrister because he thinks money can buy everything
He was definitely facing jail
I wrote a pack of lies
He evaded jail
He lost his licence
But walked away
Is he still drinking …. Yes 4 years later
I hope things get better for you
Try to hold on to who he was before the drugs
You have the right to have a life
These are adults that we are dealing with
The post on here are very helpful
Take care of yourself
Hugs
Joainie
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Thanks Joanie – I’m really struggling at the moment. He’s demonised me so much I dont even like myself anymore. His girlfriend just wants him with her, so she constantly puts me down to him – they’ve left now. And weirdly I have lost my phone so he cant contact me, maybe that’s meant to be.
All I hear in my head is “get therapy” or you’re a “terrible mother”. While he is on Ket.
I’m not a saint, just a single parent, a teaching assistant. I dont drink or have different men coming or going – I’m just a quiet person living a normal life – until he started with drugs.
I’ve not slept all night, especially because I dont have my phone but I’m going to leave them to it and just get on with my daily routine.
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At the moment he thinks he can stop and he’s not an addict . I really don’t mean to worry you . My son is 14 weeks clean now . But when he’s ket cramps start and he can’t eat anything. And the depression kicks in he’s going to need you .
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Thanks Joanie – I’m really struggling at the moment. He’s demonised me so much I dont even like myself anymore. His girlfriend just wants him with her, so she constantly puts me down to him – they’ve left now. And weirdly I have lost my phone so he cant contact me, maybe that’s meant to be.
All I hear in my head is “get therapy” or you’re a “terrible mother”. While he is on Ket.
I’m not a saint, just a single parent, a teaching assistant. I dont drink or have different men coming or going – I’m just a quiet person living a normal life – until he started with drugs.
I’ve not slept all night, especially because I dont have my phone but I’m going to leave them to it and just get on with my daily routine.
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Sorry to read these stories the abuse we suffer is unreal.
My son left the house on new years eve doped up on valium.
We kept trying to get hold of him and finally a police officer answered his phone he had been found y them and wa in a bad way Nd said I shld come to him as hey have called an ambulance.
I arrived to find him unconscious on the floor with 6 police officers.
Ambulance took an age…a 2 hr wait for a ambulance round our way!
I then spent some time in an ambulance with them trying to stabilise him in some way..I thought as he want I initially blue lighted he was ok.
They then took him to hospital and I followed in my car.
I was put in the same relatives room I waited to hear my dad had died in so that really pushed me over the edge.
When I kept asking for an update I was told he had a 50/50 chance and wasnt in a good way. They were reviewing putting him in a and e. They let me into his room to be with him no signs of responsiveness and so did a brain scan. After many hrs he opened his eyes for a few seconds and then again and said I love you.
Then back to unconscious after a while of this and me knackered I came home and theh said they wld update me they didnt but allowed my son to call me…I shldnt be surprised but he actually kicked off on the phone! Totally berserk at why he was in hospital.
I have told the drs we cant allow him home because of his brother and obviously us as he needs to have supported living.
So let’s see if years s of seeking support so far has been futile.
My son has just called again..talking about discharging himself.
So another happy start to the new year…
To the lady who said your son says you need therapy…he is gas lighting you..its a form of emotional abuse. Our addicts love doing that to us.
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Hi Bump,
So sorry to read about your Son, I hope he now gets the help that he needs, addiction is just so sad and devastating for families.
Take care.
Dx
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Bump – I’m so sorry you’ve had all of this going on over New Year. I really hope that your son is kept in and gets some proper help, and you can have a chance to catch your breath. With the nhs the way it is, it’s more likely that they’ll kick him out until the next time. I really feel for you, I hope things calm down x
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Bump – that’s horrific. I’m so sorry about what happened to you.
I hope youre son is ok and you are coping the best you can. You can only hope social services step in and help him.
In answer to the gaslighting – yes he is – but he has pretty much told everybody I need therapy while he is using KET. So now that’s the way the story goes, and I have to live with it every day.
I have literally no idea how he lives with his conscience knowing I can see the truth and telling me I need therapy. It’s horrific and damaging me mentally,
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Bump – that’s horrific. I’m so sorry about what happened to you.
I hope youre son is ok and you are coping the best you can. You can only hope social services step in and help him.
In answer to the gaslighting – yes he is – but he has pretty much told everybody I need therapy while he is using KET. So now that’s the way the story goes, and I have to live with it every day.
I have literally no idea how he lives with his conscience knowing I can see the truth and telling me I need therapy. It’s horrific and damaging me mentally,
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so the irony , ive just been to the hospital with some of hi belongings ive made it very clear that my addict son needs support and we cant let him home as i have a younger son that i want to protect.
anyway a really horrid psychiatric nurse who looked at me like something in the gutter has told me that they have done the refferral for my younger son!
teh situation is so messed up, my youngetst is oblivious to his brother addiction we have bent over backwards to protect him and hide it from him. my sole purpose n life over the past few years has been to protect him hence why i have had to kick him out on multiple occassions as soon as i have felt that my youngest could come to emotional harm.
i feel sick with worry now that he has social services involvement. i pray they see we are a nice family and that they dont take him away from us
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You will need to show you are actively protecting your youngest that means your son who has an addiction needs to move out and stay by away so your youngest is not seeing anything or in danger from dealers or other addicts
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so the irony , ive just been to the hospital with some of hi belongings ive made it very clear that my addict son needs support and we cant let him home as i have a younger son that i want to protect.
anyway a really horrid psychiatric nurse who looked at me like something in the gutter has told me that they have done the refferral for my younger son!
teh situation is so messed up, my youngetst is oblivious to his brother addiction we have bent over backwards to protect him and hide it from him. my sole purpose n life over the past few years has been to protect him hence why i have had to kick him out on multiple occassions as soon as i have felt that my youngest could come to emotional harm.
i feel sick with worry now that he has social services involvement. i pray they see we are a nice family and that they dont take him away from us
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I’m so sorry to hear that – I went through the same thing with my partner. Refused to live with him because he was an alcoholic and drug addict. I lived alone with my son and we had a good life but social services came to visit – but don’t worry they found nothing to worry about because my son was thriving and healthy and had no issues. Try to stay calm and say your piece – they will hopefully see and understand that you are a good mother just trying to do your best in a difficult situation.
Make sure your eldest son is not allowed home under any circumstances.
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I’m so sorry to hear that – I went through the same thing with my partner. Refused to live with him because he was an alcoholic and drug addict. I lived alone with my son and we had a good life but social services came to visit – but don’t worry they found nothing to worry about because my son was thriving and healthy and had no issues. Try to stay calm and say your piece – they will hopefully see and understand that you are a good mother just trying to do your best in a difficult situation.
Make sure your eldest son is not allowed home under any circumstances.
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Well we got referred before because of him and I refused to have him back. So he has only been home since september and that was due to him being 8 mnths clean and on track.
I hope they will see that over the last 3 years he has barely lived at home and when he has and played up we got him moved out. Just like this time. We wont tolerate it and I’m sure if they see a timeline of how much he has lived here in 3 years they will see we have always put my ypu get son first.
My son is thriving and a good student. Happy cheerful disposition.
But that said I’m worried sick we are a nice loving family and this just shldnt be happe ing to us.
I dont understand why my eldest is ot getting any support.
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Hi Bump,
This is a disgusting way to treat people and please don’t worry, they will see that your youngest is being well cared for and is not the problem. Can’t they see that you do not want your other son back at home because you are protecting your youngest. They are creating another problem instead of dealing with your son that is in hospital, I’m lost for words sometimes at what the authorities do I really am.
Dx
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So I really despair I told the nurses very clearly that if he is allowed to leave the hospital the first thing he will do is go and get drink or drugs. And guess what it fell on deaf ears yet again…my son left hospital to go to the shops he came back intoxicated and collapsed and was back in the same situation as last night. After gaining consciousness he remains intoxicated
It was only because I kept trying g to get an update on him that I even found this out!!! Noone called to update me.
The nurse has now done paperwork to say he doesnt have mental capacity and cant leave. He has 3 security guards around him..and whe I called I could hear him kicking off and swearing in the backgrpund
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Bump, I’m so sorry that you and your family are going through this nightmare. I wish I had all the answers but I wanted you to know that we all care about you here .
I’m like the other mums, I can’t believe what’s happening in your life and there’s little or no support for you.
Sending you hugs and prayers❤
Lx
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Oh Bump, I am so sorry you are going through all of this! It’s just awful. I really hope that your older son can get some help. The stress you must be under…
My prayers, support and far away hugs are with you. ♥️
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This is horrific bump – are there no professionals on this forum that can help?
We are in constant gnawing, grieving pain and no one can help us or our children. I don’t understand why addiction isnt treated as an illness. Its so devastating.
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You are so right Georgie. Unfortunately, it’s not much better here in the US. The last time my son was in the hospital a month or so ago, he had fallen in the ER waiting room. (He later learned he had broken a bone in his face from falling.) In the hospital he was hallucinating, so they had to restrain him. I will say that they do have a social worker come in and give them resources that are mostly rehab type things. But after a few days, they just discharge them back to their life.
These addicts are truly mentally ill when they are using, and that carries on for a bit even when they get sober. Our family has desperately searched for help too. One of the biggest problems, is that they fall back in to the lap of their family- which would be me. We are already completely overwrought, emotionally exhausted, and barely trying to manage our our lives with spouses/partners, other kids sometimes like Bump, jobs, homes etc. Plus, we are not professionals- not even close, and we are not equipped to take care of such a serious situation.
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Hello everyone,
Bump, if staff at the hospital are saying he doesn’t have mental capacity then this may be a good thing to help protect you and the rest of your family. They may section him. This would give you a break and your son may get the help he needs.
As others have already said; no matter what you shouldn’t let him back into your house.
I have witnessed my own son – more than once kick off in hospital after overdoses etc and watched him take out his cannula and drip and just walk out the door. My begging him to stay put didn’t stop him. He would only emotionally abuse and gas light me for the £20 for his fix. Though its now £25 – seems inflation is everywhere.
I am so unwell tonight I can’t sleep. The other day my son tried to leave the hospital. I’m in Glasgow and the patients have not been allowed visitors since before Christmas , although I was allowed a visit on Christmas Day.
A few days ago my son decided he wanted to leave. One of the nursing staff phoned to let me know his intentions. She said that my son DID have mental capacity and that if he wanted to sign his self out then he could. My son has been in hospital for three months, he has had three cranietomies and has half of his skull missing. His skull is implanted into his abdomen. At first they thought they could use the skull to patch his head up again. This was before he had further surgeries and the piece of bone it is no longer suitable. They said something about making him a titanium section and use that instead, hopefully in around three months time Thing is , they were about to let my son sign himself out of the ward like that with his brain exposed. He doesn’t even have any shoes or a coat .
I was able to speak to him on the phone for over an hour and he calmed down and said he would stay. I feel he does NOT have mental capacity – I mean how can you have capacity if you think its okay to walk out into the night with no shoes , coat or money and half your skull missing. It’s gone beyond me now. I find the system completely broken . It’s unbelievably bad. Rotten to the core that this is allowed.
In my opinion it’s just a case of the staff not being able to cope. Many I the NHS are now showing severe signs of mental health problems themselves and don’t even realise it.
Im really at a loss as what to do. My son was supposed to be moved to a different facility especially for people with an acquired brain injury (ABI) , but this has been delayed, no one will tell me why – it may be the covid restrictions , but what ever it’s a disaster. The NHS is on it’s knees. I am now ashamed to say I work for the NHS . I am retiring early, I won’t be part of it anymore.
The social services are much worse: very sinister set up.
No one seems to know what is going on anymore. No continuity.
One thing I have learned is that there is not enough help for the families of the addicts and we are mostly just left to get on with it. Stigmatised and sometimes even encouraged to believe it might be something we have done wrong as parents.
If I could have done things differently I wouldn’t have been such an enabler for so long, but through love and fear of the unknown I did everything I could to protect my son. but everything is stacked against us. When my son did go down the homeless path, he wanted to. He didn’t want to cause me the financial burden of paying for a flat anymore. He wanted to move away from the area and the people who had a hold on him. He wanted a chance to try and get healthy. He trusted the authorities. When they said they would house him, they did, but it didn’t work out as he got zero support. Housed out on a remote housing scheme with no money and no hope surrounded by dealers , criminals and other addicts. He was too vulnerable and he was pushed out onto the streets , begging ; under the control of the street dealers.
Harsh as it is, if the social services, police, etc, etc do care then they don’t show it. Their excuse? Oh, their hands are tied.
There is no proper residential rehab openly available, and I don’t see anything changing anytime soon. I won’t share my view why I think things are going to get worse, and I hope I am wrong.
I am a single parent and could only ever imagine what it would be like to have someone to turn to for a shoulder to lean on, for a good cry or a hug and not be on my own. Alone. Now though, through reading the stories here it seems the addict goes out of their way to destroy all of the family unit.
I also see from reading here that some of our beloved addicts are still at home managing their addictions and holding down jobs , or abstaining with the 12 steps.
I know many of you have faith and hope. I do too but not as strongly.
I just think that once the drugs really take hold we have to face reality that no matter what happens, our original sons are not coming back. They are gone for good.We have a new person in their place and even if they stop, modify or change their ways they will never be the people we thought we knew. They are different and we must treat them differently and create boundaries and stick to those boundaries. If I’ve learned one thing it has to be that delaying things only causes more heartache for everyone.
I sound harsh , but this is how I see things now. People can change. I would love to change back to the fun loving smiley, funny woman I used to be. I won’t though. The stress of it all has taken its toll on my health and I will need to be careful and slow.
I am grateful for this forum. Thank you for recommending books and stuff. I like to read and will put those on my list.
Lindyloo thank you for sharing your faith. It always offers some comfort
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Take care everyone and thank you for listening.
Love Ivy x
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Our stories should be published, the majority of parents are lucky never to be in our situation. How can anyone say your son has mental capacity when as you say he wants to leave hospital with no shoes, coat, money and half his skull missing. I have been disgusted by the lack of help my son received even after asking repeatedly. The awful people who dole out these drugs had a powerful hold on him, exploiting him for money. I did my best to keep a roof over his head and him in work as I felt I’d really lose him if he was made homeless but it’s a double edged sword as I found he was basically working to hand his money over. I found my son on 19 June 2020, he had hung himself or someone had assisted I am unsure which. It’s a nightmare world when you have a child in addiction, as you say that original person has gone. Addiction not only killed my son but has killed me and my daughter, it will affect his little girl as she grows and for what………my thoughts are with you all look after yourselves xx
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Hello everyone – I am new to this forum and came on here this morning looking for support due to my son, and came across this thread. Sadly many of these stories are very familiar to me, but everyone’s strength and the support being offered is truly admirable.
My son is 21, 22 this May, and has mental health issues, ADHD and a chronic cannabis addiction (as well as occasional use of other drugs I suspect) He has had a number of mental breakdowns over the past 3 years since starting, and subsequently dropping out of, university. We have been fortunate to have been able to privately seek help for him with psychiatrists, therapy and also hospitalisation last year after he OD’d on anti-anxiety meds, and yet I’m writing this as he is again spiralling since December.
Very similar story to many I have read on here, and no matter what boundaries we set at home he continues to push us to the limit.
We are grateful he has a wonderful girlfriend who supports him and good friends, but he has a very strong self-destruct mentality.
I am waiting for him to wake up today so I can have yet another conversation about smoking cannabis at home last night (smell woke me at 1.50am) after repeatedly telling him not to do this.
Sadly I know this will not stop him, he needs to want to and he really doesn’t right now. But it affects his mental health, his ADHD, his ability to function, his relationships and also our mental health.
We also have a 14 year old daughter and trying to protect her from everything over the last 3 years has been so difficult and exhausting.
I am fortunate to have close family but ultimately he is not their responsibility and I don’t want to continue to burden them with our problems and worries, hence looking for support here.
Wishing you all peace and calm xx
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Hi Vic152UH,
Welcome to the Forum, where as you can see there are lots of Mums with Sons trying to cope with addiction. It’s a great place to come for advice and rant if you want too, it has been a great help to myself just being able to put your thoughts down at times does wonders.
I think you have to have boundaries or at least try too for yourself and the rest of the family. The problem is I don’t think they have any respect for our feelings at all and think they can do what they want.
Addiction is hard for everyone involved in it, I pray that one day we will all get out of this viscous circle.
Take care and keep in touch on here.
Dx
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Welcome Vic152UH. This is a wonderful and safe place to let out your real feelings with people who truly understand the craziness of having an addicted son.
Make sure and take care of you as well. Dealing with an addict will take you down.
Wishing you peace. ♥️
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Welcome to the grp.
My son has now been deemed to have mental capacity and so they have discharged him…to nowhere.
We now cant get hold of him and his sponsor thinks hes drinking…he nearly dies 2 nights ago and collapsed again yesterday…I cant beleive I’m in this situation.
To keep some normality for.my other son we met with some of his friends Samuels today for a walk and I struggled to make.conversation .y mind elsewhere and they have no idea what’s been going on, I though it wld take my mind off things but actually it bought me down.
One of the mums who I thought was a friend and I can trust has clearly been gossiping and before xmas I was being ostracized and my sons playdates turned down.
I know its not him as he just a sweet studious quiet boy and the whole things has come from nowhere I cant beleive that every part of life is affected.
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Bump I have read your posts on here and am so sorry for the situation you are in. My son was released after an overdose in March ‘21 after the hospital promising us he wouldn’t be released without prior notification to us. It makes me so frustrated and upset to know that vulnerable people are let out of hospital in this way when they are so at risk.
I’m sorry to hear about your so called friend and your younger son being ostracised. Many people simply don’t understand – I’ve seen it myself with friends of 30 years avoiding me and not contacting me even though they know what has been happening with my son. That’s why I think forums like this are so important, at least others here are able to empathise and not judge as we are all here with similar experiences.
I do hope your son will be OK ????
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Bump- this makes me angry with all you are going through right now! Unless people have been in our shoes, they truly don’t know how hard this is dealing with an addict. I’m sure there are people who judge the parents, and we all know that this is so false. We are in a situation that is impossible to solve.
I am praying for your son that he stays safe, and I am praying for all of you in your family and especially you. Stay as strong as you can..
God bless you ❤️
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Hello everyone,
Kate, I won’t be trying to publish my story anytime soon, in my experience it would do more harm to my son than good. You know what I’m talking about regarding Social care and the police. However, I do intend to write to my MP when I have calmed down a bit. Could be in months or even years time. Tis a long road.
I’m so sorry for your loss and I know that you are an amazing mother. I’m sure your strength is being passed on to your daughter and granddaughter. I don’t pretend to imagine what it must be like for you to lose your son. The grief and the pain. I don’t have the words and ‘time is a great healer’ well I’m sure just doesn’t cut it. I read /listen to all of your posts and think of you often. Thank you for sharing.
I heard today ( again ) that my son is to be moved sometime this week. The anxiety is crippling. I can’t cope with any more disappointment. I’ll let everyone know when he does eventually move and then I will have some good news of sorts to share. I never thought I would say my son being moved to an acquired brain injury (ABI) unit is good news, especially since the injury was acquired through an act of violence towards him.
Vic152UH, welcome to the forum. You are in the best place to share. Your current situation reminds me of when my son was that age living at home with me; safe in a sense.
I forget to mention in my last rant that I was terrible at implementing boundaries. It was because I cared so much for his youth and well being. On reflection I can see where I went wrong in some ways. I was so concerned about my sons mental health I didn’t take heed to who was supplying his cannabis, and on lesser occasions, ecstasy and MDMA. The knowledge that buying drugs in this country is illegal stopped me from asking too many questions. In the beginning it was always ” a friend ” or ” don’t worry mum its a guy from college” It took about four years until he would eventually succumb to heroin.
I do believe if cannabis was legal he would be fine today. Yes, he would most likely still have his mental health problems, but he would be safe. Not everyone who uses drugs becomes addicted, but many dealers can spot a vulnerable meal ticket a mile off. I now advocate for safe supply within the drugs community.
There have been times when I really don’t know how I would have coped without the people here who have only ever shown me kindness.
Love Ivy x
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Ivy, like you, I did too much for my son for many years.
In the beginning, I thought it was just partying in his youth, then I thought it was a phase, then I began to appeal to him to watch it and I assumed he’d listen to me like he always did. And I kept helping because I thought ‘surely his mother’s love will fix him and he’ll come around”. His sisters started telling me he had a problem and I said he was just depressed and that’s why he drinks. And the problem continued on. I’m sorry to say that it took me 6-8 years to see the problem for what it is. I wasn’t necessarily ignorant, it was just truly a long process to see that it was serious. I dug in harder and tried to talk, and love him through it. It’s taken me this long to realize that I have no control at all over his problem- I didn’t cause it and I can’t fix it- such a hard realization. I still fight the urge to dive in and rescue, but I know that it doesn’t help him and it hurts me for a long while.
I’m trying very hard to be there with loving words, but preserve myself as best as I can.
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Febuarymarie,
I can relate to what you are saying. With my son being a one and only I think it took me longer to get to the – I didn’t cause it and I can’t fix it stage.
My own health – physically and mentally is very poor now. I too intend to preserve what I am left with Its tough though and every day is still battle to just get out of bed or take a shower. I am going to fight for myself . You sound as though you have worked through a lot with your son and he is very lucky to have you.
You sound warm and loving Febuarymarie. I’m quite cold and brittle right now, but that is not my true personality. I hope to be more like my old self now I have a window to put myself first and try to heal a bit.
My son has ended up severely disfigured and brain damaged. I am here for him 100% and I hope he can have some sort of life in the future. The Dr’s say his brain rehab will take up to one year and then I hope he can live independently in a flat close to where I live. This should give me time to gather strength, because if he goes back to using again he will be on his own. I shall move away to an island. I’d rather have a lonely peaceful life, than a lonely chaotic one.
I like to look at the situation my son and I are in as if his injury happened in a road accident and that we now have to pursue a different kind of life. I am trying to be positive, but it still hangs around in my mind that he is still an addict though only the methadone which he is prescribed by one of The Drs looking after him.
Time will tell …
Love Ivy x
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Ivy, Your posts are very hard to read, I don’t know how you have managed to keep going through all of this. I’m really sorry about what has happened to your son, I don’t know what else to say. I hope he stays in hospital and gets the treatment that he needs and you get to build a relationship with him.
Bump, I’m sorry that things are so bad at the moment, it must feel like you are being let-down at every turn. Without quality rehab and a more intelligent prescribing service, I don’t see how things are ever going to be any different in the UK.
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Im at my wits end not knowing where to go what to do, so I came hear to talk to you all.
my adult 34 year old son is addicted to cocaine and when his not using cocaine his high on weed,
his lost 3 of his own flats, had car accidents, prison sentence, injured himself, has extreme paranoia on cocaine,
I’m so mentally drained from him and hardly talk to him anymore, I just want him to find a place and keep,
He works to support his addiction, if I go on holiday he has his friends in my home doing drugs, I told him to go but i can’t actually kick him out without him having somewhere to go,
I’m drained from him
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Hi Sunny2022,
Welcome to the Forum, it’s a great place to be able to talk to others in similar situations, but all living with Addicts, which I’m sure you will say is hell.
I have got some really good help from Adfam and the ladies in this thread, at the moment I’m trying to implement boundaries for my Son, he is 30 and much better now than he was 2 years ago, but still only playing at Recovery, which they will only do it when they decide too. Mentally I really don’t think he is 30, it’s like having another child to cope with, other times he is great, but you never know what mood they are going to wake up in and how they are going to be for the day, it’s very wearing.
Does your Son want to give up the drugs? Or has he ever tried too?
There are some really great ladies on here with really good advice, I’m so glad that I found Adfam.
Take care of you and keep in touch on here.
Dx
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Welcome Sunny2022. I’m glad you found us. Here, you have found a place where people truly understand the insanity of loving an addicted adult child.
Loving an addict absolutely drains you and steals so many things from the lives of those around them. I’m sure from reading this long thread, you’re seeing that the addict has to want to do the changing and if they won’t, we suffer.
I encourage you to stick with us, and most importantly, start to slowly shift some focus back to caring for yourself. I know it’s a bit alien as a mother, to give your needs some importance, yet please try, because unfortunately all the suffering we do, doesn’t seem to change them anyway- addiction is very selfish, but maybe you can try to save yourself.
Peace to you..❤️
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My son was like yours. Yes you can chuck him out but that’s not easy to do emotionally. I couldn’t bear to see my son on the streets. It is a nightmare as mums we can’t just cut them off. My advice would be look after you. If he’s working he can afford B and B tell him to move out. It will be hard but don’t cut off your love you will always be there if he needs support to get clean but not for money Stay with the group you are not alone
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Hiya sunny,
I hope you are OK. I my self have a cocaine addiction. I’ve been using 12 year. But realised in the last 7 year I guess I was an addict. I never used everyday, just weekends, or every few week. Or months without sometimes. Not alot but I did.
I joined cocaine anonymous boxing day 2021. I just had enough. The depression and feeling suicidal for days after using. It effects your mental health so much.
I got 4 month clean then got kicked out after relapsing. Was in a shared accom for 6 month. Now I’m in a 2 bed flat. I’ve had a couple of relapses. But I have anew sponsor now and working the steps in C. A, and now I’m 3 week clean.
It’s so hard to avoid coke as it is everywhere. And it’s highly addictive.
For your son to quit he needs to want to for himself. He needs to hit his rock bottom where he’s just had enuff and he admits he is an addict. Then that’s the perfect foundation to get clean.
He needs to cut everyone who uses out of his life, get a new phone number, never drink as this is a big trigger. Avoid triggers and places. Avoid women for a while. And JOIN CA and get to some meetings.
And meet people like him and connect with them.
But this is all down to if he wants to stop. Does he want to stop?
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Hi Danman83- thank you for sharing thoughts from the other side so to speak. I commend you for being brave enough to read these posts. So many addicts (including my son) don’t want to think about the pain that their addiction causes those who love them. For my son, when he does, he feels guilty about it and then usually relapses because it is too painful and he’d rather not face it.
It sounds like you take ownership for your addiction, another important step. Blaming others is another characteristic of addiction as we all know too well.
Stay the course, stay strong, you can do it. I’ll be praying for you. ❤️
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WOW.. thank you everyone I’m so emotional right now, after years off keeping my sons addiction to myself or within close family and to now actually seek help and get support is overwhelming..
you all are going through or been through what me and my son are, I no I should possibly kick him out but I can’t, I don’t enable his addiction, I no longer cook washing or clean, his responsible for himself cooking cleaning and doing his own washing support himself,
I no I can’t change my son that’s down to him, but I no I will always be here for him I will definitely stay with you all, to be able to talk to you all has helped so much thank you
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Hey Februarymarie.. Thank you for that. I just really have had enough of cocaine. For years I’ve been like this. And tried lots. But C. A has been the best for me.
So what’s the situation with your son if you don’t mind me asking.
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Hi Dan man can I ask you something
My son killed himself the toxicology shows some cocaine but not a huge amount in his system. Do you feel suicidal if you have not taken huge amounts. I struggle to get my head round what he did
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So sorry to hear off your loss Kate1 ❤️
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Hiya Kate, I remember you, I hope your OK, I can imagine Xmas was really hard for you and your family.
Sending all my love ❤️
Being honest from my experience, yes.. Even off one bag, £30 worth. You will have a bad downer or come down as they say. Even off one line, you have a high, and you still come down. Most people I speak to have a downer off coke. When it wears off. As it uses all your dopamine out of your brain.
My friend did the same in May and left 4 kids behind, and was really bad on it..
Also if he’s been using it for a few years, it still effects your mental health same with me.. For example.. The 1st few year someone uses they don’t feel that bad off it the next day, they can get sleep and feel OK. They might feel abit down but not much. But some one who has been using along time and who has had enough of using like me, the come downs and the next few days or a hell of alot worse. Because you have been using for years and the fun as gone, and you use on your own ect.. Theres quite a few things to take in. Even tho he’s only had a little bit, I guess you have to take into how long he’s been using over the years, and how he’s feeling himself.
The minute my bag was empty sometimes I felt like crying and depressed., and has bad thoughts it’s a horrible feeling, what this stuff does to you. Be we don’t think of this when we buy it.
Can I ask which bit you struggle with, sorry for the question I just want to try and help you with my experience with coke to help you.
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Your honesty is giving me a insight and some understanding of my son addiction ty
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Just understanding how it can make you feel that bad. It’s a long story but he was being tormented by a girl and that night he was meant to be getting back with her. Apparently she was playing mind games with him he was desperately trying to call her she wouldn’t answer. Looks like she left a voice mail which is gone like all her messages at about 215 he got a gram and by 330 ish he had hung himself. There was not much in his system though according to the toxicology surely there would be a lot show up if he took a gram don’t you think. He had been using for years had stopped for 2 month then she appeared and he was drinking heavily taking lots of coke and steroids. He had stopped again for a week then this happened
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To go into the science of why it makes us suicidal ect.. We have dopamine in our brain, this is the chemicals that make us happy.
So for example now.. Imagine a scale of 1 to 10.. Having a biscuit can make you happy and release dopamine, getting 1 on the scale.. Going out with friends 5, having sex 10… But when you have coke.. Bang.. It just uses all your dopamine up, hence the feeling of euphoria.. And this hits way over 10..now when that goes.. You don’t go back to 0 on the scale.. You go to say minus 10..100… Hence the depression and suicidal thoughts. For days this happens.. Its takes days for your dopamine to rebalance.. Hence when its weekend again.. We think its OK to use again.. But this over time back and forth effects us in the long term depression wise. I hope this makes sence that’s the best I can describe it right now.
He possibly could of had some before he got the gram at 2.15. But I don’t know. Steroids is massive for depression and hormournes and messes with your head aswell.
My kids mum, her cousin aged 21 sadly took his life after his ex sent him picture of her with another lad. So to me it just sounds like a mixture of things, the coke 1st, the gf and the steroids. It all can stay in your system for a while. And does effect you.
Stopping for a week like you said I personally don’t think would of mattered. It can just be years of using or steroids just effected him.
I could be wrong in all this and don’t want to say the wrong thing. I’m just giving you my honest opinion and from my own experience.
I relapsed 3 week ago neally now. I was in my flat on my own. And suicidal thoughts came in my head. But I just try and block it out and it’s hard. And this is how much of a horrible drug it is.
Also like you said girls playing mind girls when your down isn’t good as well for your mental health. I hope I’ve answered it the best I can for you.
What’s the girl said in all this?
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Thanks yes that helps understand. The girl has said nothing. Nothing at all. The police took a statement but she said he left early, lots of things don’t add up but I suppose with drugs involved they wouldn’t would they. I would have thought she would have messaged me even to give condolences but nope. With a couple of weeks she had another blokes picture on her profile page. Says it all really doesn’t it
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Leave her to it then. I believe in karma always gets us. So just leave her be I guess. I can’t even believe she didn’t send her condolences, that just says it all.
Plus she will never tell the full story if she had something to hide. Or said something nasty that night.
Are you sleeping at night?
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Just that it was enough but he had a lot going on that night he thought he had got back with a toxic girl who made out she wanted him back she was with someone else and was playing mind games. Someone told him. He got a gram at about 215 and by 330 he was dead. There were two empty cocaine bags and one and half syringes of clear fluid. Any idea what that was. Cocaine would not be clear mixed to inject would it. My son had very little cocaine in his system according to toxicology. That’s what I don’t understand surely a gram is a lot if he took it all
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Thank you for that. I just really have had enough of cocaine. For years I’ve been like this. And tried lots. But C. A has been the best for me.
So what’s the situation with your son if you don’t mind me asking.
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Hi Danman83 I’m just echoing what Februarymarie has said
It’s so good to hear how your addiction effected you, thank you and sharing your story, your doing great each days a new day stay strong..
My son has had an addiction for over 10 years it’s not always a social drug for him and his not a drinker nor is it normally a girl problem.
My son can be a solo user and very unpredictable to when or why ..
He never talks or opens up to me why he felt the need to get high and every time is always the last time ..
Seeing my son high breaks my heart knowing his an addict his heartbreaking, but it’s a situation I’m helpless with and can’t change him that’s down to him ..
I can just be here for him and offer my support.
and now consider own well-being talking and keep myself in good health ..
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Hiya sunny thank you for that. Your sons story sounds exactly like mine. 12 years using. Mostly on my own. What happend with me was, the 1st few years I was going house party’s or pubs using ect.. Then when that stopped I started using on my own in the house.. Your already addicted after 6 month of using and start doing it on your own.i had no idea I was addicted, untill later on.
I don’t open up to my mum why I use or where or who with. He probably doesn’t want you to worry about him and tell you the real truth. That’s my opinion. But I could be wrong. That’s what I am like anyway.
We all say it’s the last time then the weekend comes are dopamine levels are back to normal, and then it’s let’s use again. Then depression for days and then same again
It’s a vicious circle.
Does he want to quit and what’s he doing to stop?
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thank you for explaining it in a way to help have a understanding,
I suppose your right my son don’t want to talk as he don’t me knowing all his private life, and I was the same with my mum, but in this situation I feel it’s different the more I know and understanding the better I can help him.
Yer he said he want to stop now, and his holding down a job which is amazing and it keeps him focused, I’m proud off him for that, but like you say it’s not Friday yet, but as the weeks go by and his still in employment and focused and getting strong that’s a blessing ..
small steps keep safe
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He will get there if he wants to quit. It just takes time. He needs cut any mates that use off even family, and not drink aswell. And do some new hobbies. I hope it all goes well for him and you aswell.
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Thank you and same to you,
cocaine is rife and not only with my son friends and unfortunately some family members too
As you no its no longer just done on night out drinking, it done at home sober with friends or alone and anytime off day. Avoiding certain people or places is a must ..
Keep safe
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I think she has lots of nasty to hide including that night. I have his phone someone has deleted all her messages to and from her…….hmmmmm
You are right karma is coming in the shape of a mum who won’t give up until truth outs.
I am sleeping better than I was but my son is always in my head. I know he didn’t help himself sometimes but there are some evil people who exploit vulnerabilities and sadly that’s what happened. That’s not ok and I’ll do my best to highlight it appropriately
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I think she has lots of nasty to hide including that night. I have his phone someone has deleted all her messages to and from her…….hmmmmm
You are right karma is coming in the shape of a mum who won’t give up until truth outs.
I am sleeping better than I was but my son is always in my head. I know he didn’t help himself sometimes but there are some evil people who exploit vulnerabilities and sadly that’s what happened. That’s not ok and I’ll do my best to highlight it appropriately
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Well I really hope you get your answers. Just try and not let it eat you up as much. I know it’s easier said than done. And no one knows what it’s like untill they go through the same pain. So I hope your OK. Did you say he had a daughter and your grand daughter? Do you see her alot
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My daughter and grandson live with me at the moment. My daughter is really struggling with her brothers death. My son has a three year old who I have every other weekend. She can’t work out where her daddy is. When she’s at mine she looks at his pictures and kisses them before she goes to sleep. No no one knows the pain till they have been through it. It feels like my life is over. I really don’t care what happens to me I would give my life to have him back well not addicted because his life was hell
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I guess you need to be there to support each other so her being there is good for you all. Such a shame for her not to have her daddy. Must be heartbreaking watching her seeing her say this.
I don’t know your son and this does sound cliche. But I’m sure he wouldn’t want to see you be hurting like this, my mum would be the same with me and I feel guilty for what I’ve put her through. May be you and your daughter and grandson and granddaughter should go away for a weekend together and have some time together and a change of scenery. It might do you all some good. I mean that in a nice way aswell. A break will do you some good.
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Thank you no he would hate to see how we are so upset I know that. If only he knew how much we missed him. We are going away next week funnily enough it will be a chance to rest. I am sure my son felt bad about the things he put us through and I wouldn’t want him back in that position it was no fun for him of that I’m sure x
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I’m sleeping intermittently. Yes I know I will never get the truth. Drugs and dealers. Scum
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I’m sure he knows how much you miss him and he’s looking over you all. He really would of felt bad about what he put you through. I’m the same with my mum and sister. My sister text me the other week saying she’s dreading the call of something happening to me. And that upset me alot. What I put them through. So Im doing my best now to stay focused. I hope you try and have a relaxing time away, and make some good memories with the grandchildren.
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I hope and pray you manage to stay clear of drugs for yours and your families sake. I know my son is with us it might sound odd but we have had all sorts of odd “coincidences” happen from the day he died. That’s a real comfort x
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Thanks and I pray every night for the same. I totally believe that he is and I’m a strong believer in this. I read a book called many lifes many masters, it’s a true story and has made me more certain that our loved ones are around us. X
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I have absolutely no doubt. I’ll look for that book x keep safe
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You too kate, always here to talk, enjoy your break away x
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Thank you speak soon xx
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Hi all
The post on this thread after Christmas have been difficult to read
The pain and misery of the mums on here makes me so sad
We all walk the tightrope of hope and despair
Clinging to any chink of light
The mums that have lost their boys must rerun all the events up to when it happened
I know I play out what I would do if my son dies from his behavior
But the rawness on here is unimaginable
I think if bereavement counselling is available it would be helpful
I’m back at my sons house with him
It’s comfortable and he is still sober
I’m letting him go out and shop and do things on his own
He is fine not had a drink
He was due to continue his counselling
But he may have to wait months for another referral as the funding had stoped and started again in the new year
He had 4 sessions and it looks like he might be back to square one
How can this happen his anxiety levels are high again
Awaiting a call to day to find out
I don’t want to be here but can’t leave
I hoped he would be able to start going out and meeting people as he has no friends but here in Wales the restrictions are high
Praying for peace for us all
Take care of yourself
Joanie x
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Hi Joanie,
Its so hard trying to keep someone stable and having to uproot your life to make sure they are okay. I hope that your son can get himself into AA nearby. You may have already mentioned this in previous messages, I haven’t been very good at keeping up the last few days as I’ve gone back to work.
Are you able to say what area of Wales you are in? I am also here so know a bit about the support services or lack of!
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Hi Jem
Thank you for replying it’s all so difficult
He did try AA a good few years ago
He bought the key ring learnt the prayer but wouldn’t do the hard work
And lost his driving licence which made attending meetings ‘difficult’
I am a very strong woman and have had many challenges in my life
My son has his good points and can work to get what he wants
But he is always looking for the easy option and won’t face up to who he his and work to stop the binge drinking
He hasn’t had a drink in the last 8 weeks
But only lasts a few days if I leave him
I’ve gone home 150 miles away and he buys huge amounts of drink (18 bottles of wine )
It’s blackmail to keep me here
But in November he went too far and it nearly killed him he was ill in hospital
His heart rate was 160+
It took me nearly 3 weeks to get him better
It’s an impossible situation he’s 49
He lives in the Swansea area
Sorry for the rambling
I hope you are getting somewhere with your son
Joanie x
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Hi Joanie it’s really hard on you that your son uses the threat of relapse to keep you with him. He’s done well in getting to 8 weeks without a drink but I guess you’ve got your hopes up lots of times before. I know with my son, when he gets clean, it’s hard to enjoy it because I am looking out for the slightest hint of a relapse.
When I read one of your earlier posts you said your son is 50, until then it hadn’t occurred to me that this situation could continue for another 20 years or more.
I hope things get easier and you can enjoy life more on your terms x
Addiction services in Wales are very under-funded.
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Hi Jem
It’s not been continual he has had a wife and a 10 year relationship with another woman so they have had the brunt of it
And been there for his crazy antics
I could write a book
Far too much to go into but I guess you can imagine
I’ve been involved more in the last year the last one chucked him out she was much younger and realized he was never going to change
She did try bless her she thought she would make the difference
I didn’t liked her but never blamed her
He did some awful things
And she was young enough to start again
He has always been a nightmare
It’s the usual story selfish no empathy
Unkind sneaky untruthful
It’s an addicts life story
My other son is a kind loving man with a steady job and three teenage sons
Is it nature or nurture
I think is in the addicts make up
I can’t let him fall or fail I know it’s what I should do but can’t
I’m 69 now I’ve had breast cancer
5 years ago
But I’m still here cleaning up his shit
Literally
I’m tired but on I go
If you can find the strength to let your son
Hit rock bottom my advise is to do it
Even though I can’t
Take care and time for yourself
Thank you for replying
Joanie x
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joanie59 I’m sorry that you have this burden to carry at this point in your life. It seems that your son has put an unfair burden on you that he’s sober only when with you- that’s a lot of pressure for you. I don’t know what I would do. I’m very tired of my son’s 10 year alcohol addiction and I’m really wanting my life to be going in a different direction. It’s so consuming. I was searching for a picture yesterday for something unrelated, and I can see the decline of both of us frankly. His looks have declined and I can see the wear and worry on my face. It’s done now and I can’t change it. There’s no erasing the years of pain.
And we’re still on the same course with him. He’s been doing fairly well, having periods of sobriety, yet I’m starting to see him slip.
For those of you who have followed my story, I’ve been a bit of wreck because I was approaching my son running out of money and saying that he’d be on the streets soon. Well, he got an extension from the dean at his university, which basically means that he has financial aid until spring- which just adds to his monumental student debt. I guess it’s a breather for me for the impending disaster, but it really just postpones it. He keeps saying it’s a new year for him and he will not squander this opportunity and that he’s sober, when I know he’s not by his behavior. I don’t see him that often, mostly just texts and phone calls.
I don’t know about you all, but I really hate pretending that everything is just normal and just fine when you’re around them when they have a moment of sobriety. It seems like they just want you to forget the past of 10+++ years!) and just go on. I feel how my heart is guarded when I’m with him.
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We have been up all night after my sons overdose last week where new years day was m3 spent next to him in hospital with him inconscious he is now out and back on everything.
Housing have been o help bit despite getting him 2 days in a travelodge he decided in his drug fuelled craziness to take himself into London on the coldest night of the year
Through the help of some randoms in camden we got him back here to safety but ended up called safeguarding g and allsorts of people…from that weve had calls today from Jimmy it mental health and they are tri g ro help sort some sort of accommodation and support..bit I’m still waiting for a call back.
My son is the worst hes been since the beginning g of the year before he got sober.
Hes behaving scuze my phrase..but like a nutcase..total fruitloop..the drugs and drink have sent him crazy again. We cant have him stay here I’ve made that very clear..bit if no housing options the streets in freezing g conditions and him vulnerable to allsorts isnt an option either….there really is no support. My mental state is at rock bottom I’ve had to call into work and take today off as I needed time to make I.portant calls to sort this out.
The life of addict is crap..but at least they spend all their time numbing the pain..its us loved ones that carry the real stress and burden and live their nightmare.
Stay strong everyone..I am holding onto what little hope there is to keep me going.
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Hi Bump,
Thinking of you at this very stressful time.
Glad you are taking some time for yourself.
Take care.
Dx
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Hi Bump, I’m sorry things are still so bad for you.
I really hope that someone takes notice and can help your son. its so painful having to watch them doing this to themselves when all you want to do is support them.
Things are pretty much the same here, my son is desperate to move out but expecting me to pay the rent on that, which is the cause of most arguments at the moment.
Stay strong x
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Sorry my thread is littered with typos!!
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Sorry to hear that jem. It’s crazy isnt it what they expect of us.
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He believes that if he can move out into a nice flat near his old normal friends he will get ,clean. All of his money goes on drugs so he wouldn’t even be able to feed himself. I would rather spend money on residential rehab right now, but have been told not to push him in that direction as it has to come from him. Not totally sure what to do in the meantime. I get that it could all be a lot worse, so trying to stay positive. Having a new very well behaved dog is helping a lot 🙂
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So how’s my luck just got son number 2 clean after rehab. Now I’ve just found to empty wraps in son number 3 washing . I’ve spoken to him and he’s giving me all the same lines that I’ve already heard . I so cross/upset after all we both went through with his brother . What shall I do now .
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Is that heroin, if it is, I’m so sorry for you x
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No ket and an e I think I’m going to have a hard look at myself see where I went wrong last time
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Ive never taken drugs in my life …….. but guess like all us mums on here become experts in drug s
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All illegal drugs are bad but Ketamine is class B. I’d be worried about it as a gateway drug and also if your son is on it for a long stretch he may get a real tolerance for it. It gets used in conjunction with coke, which would be very bad because cocaine is so addictive.
I’m not sure if that helps. Something I do regret is that I told my son all drugs were very bad. I wish now that I had really driven home what heroin does to someone. You don’t want your son using a party drug like ketamin but I think you need to show you know a bit about what your talking about so that they don’t just dismiss advice as mum on a rant about ‘drugs.’
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Hi girls – I posted last week about the bust up with my son on New Years Day while his girlfriend – he is still in Birmingham and I havent had a phone for a week due to waiting for the new sim card and replacement mobile.
Last night he finally sent me an email asking me to send his walking shoes ‘if that’s ok’ – I responded politely and asked if they were both ok and ended with ‘love you, mum’
I don’t know how to contain the feelings I’m having, I live alone and all the love I have for him is killing me because I cant give it to him and it really hurts not to be close to him. It hurts that he spoke to me the way he did in front of his girlfriend and called me a ‘terrible mother and to get some therapy’. But despite all that I just want to hug him and see his face and try to make things right somehow. Yet I know the arguments were due to his Ket use and his denial of that so nothing will be right if he comes home if he cant change. So, I have no one to talk to and just sit crying and staring into space. I wish his girlfriend had been more of a friend and seen both sides – but she’s always been cold toward me and very needy with him….so I guessed that wasnt going to happen.
I suppose I’m just asking – how should I behave. Just politely and lovingly and try and get on with work and routine? I never thought it would come to this – we’ve always been so close.x
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Hi Georgie, I’m really sorry to hear about how things are with your son. The only advice I can give is to try and do things with your life that make you feel in control, so you are not waiting around for your son to grow-up and start treating you properly. There is no point in looking for logic or fairness in the way that they act when its like this. I also think they are more vulnerable to falling in with girlfriends who have their own issues – otherwise why would they be with our son’s when they are like this. You have to find a way of living your life that isn’t reliant on how your son is day-to-day. The problem when they aren’t at home is that you worry about them constantly, but try and have some time in the day when you aren’t doing that and you are doing something that you enjoy. I remember when I first found out my son was using heroin, I was a real mess, and someone advised me to give it a good airing each day, think about it, and then try and put it away for a while and think about other things. Its hard to do that when they are at home kicking off, but maybe easier if they live away from home. I find going out for a walk with the dog really good for taking my mind of things. I hope that doesn’t sound preachy or that I think this is easy, it isn’t, its really hard.
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Thanks Jem, you’re not at all preachy. I have been trying to keep busy most days. Yesterday I saw a friend for lunch and just said he had moved to Birmingham with his girlfriend – but couldn’t tell her the truth of that matter so I left feeling anxious and low.
Tomorrow I am going to a 60th party – so I am trying to be social and keep busy – I also walk most days when the weather permits. It’s just when I’m home it’s really difficult – in my earlier posts I mention the difficulties he/we faced growing up – the death of his father, my breast cancer etc. We’ve always been so close and loving – shared books/went to see films had family holidays and with close family friends. But at xmas seeing him at his cousins wedding off his head on Ket and on Xmas day sat next to his grandmother – the same. I just think when his girlfriend arrived I couldn’t contain it anymore when he screamed at me in the kitchen about food….in front of her. Then telling me the next day that I bring out the worst in him so he has to get away from me because his girlfriend said she had never seen him like that – but I have seen him like that – and so have his best friends. She hardly knows him really – it’s only a year. I’m also convinced she came with KET because she wouldn’t let me pick her up from the station and he was in bed. I think she was meeting his dealer. She’s having therapy for her abusive last relationship, and my son and I think she has undiagnosed aspergers. She spends a lot of time in bed depressed. I don’t think it really helps him because he has to look after her when he needs caring for himself when he’s trying to do his MA and struggling with his mental health/addiction and being away from home. But, I’ve always been kind to her – and she knew he didnt want to live with her yet which she was pretty angry about. But she has him now – and i don’t think it was the best way to start.
I would have loved for them to do it properly – to help them, visit them, meet for lunch anything that normal families do. It just feels like I have just been left with carnage and I don’t know how to pick up the pieces.
Thanks for responding Jem – just a voice from the ether stops me from tipping over the edge.xx
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Georgie your post has alot of similarities to me.
I agree with Jems advice but sometimes it can get all consuming and you forget to put it to one side and concentrate on positive things and ypur own well being. Also .y son also had an awful on and off girlfriend she also has issues and always helps get him drugs. She doent like me as she o ly wants to see my sons side of things and frankly she has o self respect anyway so as far as I’m concerned I ignore anything she has ever said.
I’ve been through hell the last few weeks and last 24hrs no different my son was returned back from a off his head expedition to london. He spent the day staggering around the house out of his mind and frankly not really lucid thanks to the drink and drugs hes been taking 24/7.
His near death episode has not resonated with him at all. Ive had numerous conversations with mental health and social services etc yesterday.
But he decided to take himself off to London to beg and get a hostel despite having some money and council accommodation lined up..spent the night worried sick reporting him missing and hearing through one of his friends hed threatened to top himself. My husband got the first train into london and made contact and bought him home.
He was still drinking at 6am and was a state on return.
I have now deposited him At his new bedsit bought him lunch despite having enough in begging money to buy his own.
Hes actually choosing that way of life at the moment and has no thought for how he stresses us.
The accommodation is only for the the current spell of bad weather after that who knows but I cant see him turning it around anytime soon.
I hate to say it seeing him and the state hes in the last few days has turned from pity to anger.
All the services are lined up for him now but he has to engage and do it himself. I’m embarrassed by him and intend to try and relax and enjoy this weekend before the next episode of chaos.
He has been so chaotic this last week I havnt had time to catch my breath. I’ve tickets to the
theatre for my youngest tonight in the west end and am struggling to stay awake ..he is able to ruin everything but I’m going to have to remind myself to be selfish ..or shld I say just look after myself.
I know that this weekend will be no different in terms of what he gets up to but I’m hoping that with it not right under my nose I can shut it out.
I know my son cld do with some.mental health support but even so i find him so selfish. Everything is all about him, a pity party everything is everyone else’s fault. Everyone owes him and he never thinks of anyone else. He has o morals and self respect..begging on tubes for a hostel when he had council bedsitined up so that he can spend his begging money on drink.
A real eye opener to beggars on the street I cant help now but question their authenticity. All the people he duped into feeling sorry for him I’m sorry its just shameful
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Hi Bump, I hope that you made it to the theatre tonight. I have no idea how you are supposed to stay sane while your son does this to himself its terrifying. I hope that by some miracle he does stay at his bedsit and starts to engage with services.
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Hi February Marie
I’m stuck here with him wales
He is well eating like a horse I’m losing weight
I’m doing the cleaning and the ironing he does cook but not food that I like
He has no taste buds due to excessive
Alcohol use so everything is spicy
I am the very definition of a Marta
I have painted myself into a corner with no way out
My son look older than his years and the stress and stain is on my face too
It’s awful
I really hope your son does get it together and sorts himself out with his extra cash
He might because it is his last chance
I agree about being normal when other people around it’s a big game of let’s pretend
My son won’t acknowledge his drink problem on any level
An after all the self abusive and hospital admissions he’s worried about his everyday health …. Why after nearly killing himself with 18 bottles of wine !
It’s madness
Let’s see what tomorrow brings
Love and hugs J
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My son does the same thing with the worrying about his everyday health. He’s has scars above both eyes from falling, he’s broken both legs on different occasions ( one leg required extensive surgery and the other he never treated so he has an improperly healed ankle, he’s been hospitalized from pancreatitis twice- which makes them very ill, he’s been hospitalized for being undernourished from doing nothing but drinking and not eating, he was beaten up or fell last September- he can’t remember, he broke a bone in his face from falling at the ER last November, he has ulcers on his tongue so bad (from alcohol) that he has a hard time talking, and he worries that his hair is thinning or that he doesn’t want to catch a cold! It’s ridiculous.
And all of this is so shocking to me as a mother. Any one of those incidents is so terrible on it’s own let alone a whole list of them. The addiction colors how you react. As a mom, I would want to care for him if he’s hurt and half the time he doesn’t even tell me until it’s serious and then he wants compassion and help. I can’t even figure out what the right thing to do is. Either way, it wears on me. And one can’t help but feel anger and frustration when this is all a result of an addiction and he says, “Oh that wasn’t from drinking, I swear”.
Yes, you just keep looking to tomorrow…..
Love and hugs to you too. ????
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Hi February Marie
Thank you for your reply
It’s strange that both our sons act the same way
Awful to hear how much harm your son has come to it breaks your heart I’m sure
My tale is similar
In the last 12 month
My son has had pneumonia twice his hip had eroded with drink and he waited 2 years for a hip replacement
He had this I stayed with him 8weeks
He got so drunk after I left that he fell down the stairs and broke his femur and knocked the hip out
He had to have another operation to fix it
He had pneumonia again
He has been back in with gastric problems and an irregular heart beat
Over 160 beats per minute
All drink related
I get him better and he recovers quickly
He’s really well now
I don’t want him to be ill but it’s so annoying when he bounces back
It has taken longer this time
Why would anyone want to be so ill
I hope you are managing to sleep
And have some time to yourself
Love Joanie x x
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I hope that are able to carve out some time for yourself too. You deserve it after all you’ve been through. ????????????
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Hi to everyone on this thread
Just wondered how you were all doing after. Christmas and the new year
I’m still with my son
Dr had given him another 3 weeks off work
No news on his counseling how they can start it and say needs at least 20sessions and leave him hanging I don’t know
The funding is the issue be has been referred again but he could go to the back of the list
Which was a 6 month wait last time
I’m so frustrated he has remained sober
But his mood is low
I have to go home sometime this week
He is coming with me
It’s never ending I’m so tired of it all
He just getting fatter and fatter
I feel as if I’m building him up for his next binge drinking episode
Which will be when I finally leave him
What do I do any suggestions
I hope things are good for everyone
Joanie xx
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Joanie I’ve been thinking about you and your situation with your son. It’s so hard when you being there keeps him stable. You are giving up
So much to support him and if you go home you will be worrying about what is happening without you there.
You may have mentioned this, but is there any way he could move closer to where you live so at least you can be in your house but still keep an eye on your son? I know it’s not that simple.
The lack of funding for counselling and rehab is a big thing for all of us stuck in this situation. We can’t solve any of this and our sons probably can’t either without the right support.
If you want to be at home you should be able to do that without feeling guilty.
Have you had any counselling with someone who understands addiction?
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Hi Jem
Thanks for relying
His work keeps him here
Although he’s hardly been working for the past 12 months
He works for the government so obviously they support him
Baby him I think
And he is still on full pay
The likely hood of him getting another job is slim
With his track record of sickness
Plus the pay is good
But he works from home so no company
I don’t want to move here as I hate it
I have family and friends where I live and not ready to give them up
Although they think I have because they don’t understand
I haven’t had any proper counselling
Had some relaxation therapy which was useless really
I am ok
Covid has just made things impossible
I’m trying to get him engaging in some out of the house activities
I feel like he’s is 4 and I’m trying to organise play dates
He has no friends
This all sounds very negative sorry
I’m just trapped
I don’t even enjoy his company I feel suspicious and wary of him
Love Joanie xx
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Hi Joanie – I’m starting to realise there is nothing we can do. In our heads they are just our little boys and we are trying to sort out their problems – but in reality they are grown men with mental health issues and we are becoming ill with them. It’s just pure love that keeps us going but unfortunately it’s not love that makes the world go round, but trust. And we have none left, and when the trust is gone the love is cracked and damaged and we just pick up the pieces as we go along.
We can try tough love, soft love etc. But if they don’t have self-love nothing we do is going to work. If you continue to love him he might find that self-love but it’s not guaranteed and you will give as much as you can for as long as you can.
Take care of yourself.xx
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Hi Georgie
Yes I think you are right
I’m clutching at straws
I do love my son and fear for his safety
I don’t like him much
I will plod on I’m not qualified to deal with any of it but I read as much as I can to gain some knowledge
I hope things are ok with you
Thank you for reading my post and replying
Love Joanie x x
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Hi Joanie, I do get your predicament, and how you want to help support your son to keep his job. My son stopped working at the start of Covid and everything spiralled after that. Adfam offer a few free one to one counselling sessions, it might be worth talking to them. I found that really helpful.
As Georgie said Gabor Mate’s book is really good for getting the addicts perspective. For me, the one that helped most of all was Understanding and Helping an Addict by Andrew Proulx. He was an addict and a doctor so sees it from both sides.
Does your son talk to any online support communities or engage with AA? They can be a great support system if he’s prepared to open up and talk to others about his problems?
I know none of this is easy, I wish there was a solution for all of us x
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Hi Joanie – I’m starting to realise there is nothing we can do. In our heads they are just our little boys and we are trying to sort out their problems – but in reality they are grown men with mental health issues and we are becoming ill with them. It’s just pure love that keeps us going but unfortunately it’s not love that makes the world go round, but trust. And we have none left, and when the trust is gone the love is cracked and damaged and we just pick up the pieces as we go along.
We can try tough love, soft love etc. But if they don’t have self-love nothing we do is going to work. If you continue to love him he might find that self-love but it’s not guaranteed and you will give as much as you can for as long as you can.
Take care of yourself.xx
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Watch some of the videos and listen to podcasts from Gabor Mate. He is a specialist in addiction and there is so much stuff on youtube where you can find him and he explains the nature of addiction. Although it doesnt resolve the problem it helps you to come from a different perspective. I think with all of us there is a certain law of attraction – we come from a place of judgement and negativity which perpetuates the cycle and how we see it. Gabor comes from a place of intelligent love and understanding and you may find things that resonate with you.xx
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Hi
Thank you I will have a look
X
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Hi Joanie59, I’m sorry you are dealing with this. I don’t have the answers. I can say that you are not responsible for your son’s sobriety whether he is with you or not. He and he alone, is responsible for his sobriety, and haven’t we all seen that there is not a whole lot that we can do to maintain any sobriety with them, although it sure seems like they try to pin a relapse on their families sometimes. My son tells me that when I say anything negative, he feels guilty and then it triggers a relapse. That really bugs me. I’m supposed to stay silent and walk on eggshells, that’s very hard to do. We’re human too.
I really hope that you are able to start taking the small steps that get your life back. I’m trying too. This isn’t how I thought things would be when I envisioned my life after raising children.
Hugs to you….❤️
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Hi all
I really appreciate the comments
It’s difficult to see our problems when we are so close to them
I consider myself to be fairly level headed
And a problem solver
I watched a couple of the YouTube clips of Gabon Mate
My son didnt have a stable childhood
My life was full of upheaval marriage break ups and house moves
So maybe I’m to blame but I always loved my son
He joined the Royal Navy when he was 16
I wonder if this had a bad effect on him
How are all your sons
Take care of yourselves
Love and hugs
Joanie xx
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Hi Joanie, please don’t beat yourself up looking for reasons why your son has an addiction. I’m sure he was and is still loved.
At the end of the day, they make these choices. I’m sure he had a good upbringing like all our lads .
I think with my son has undiagnosed ADHD and OCD. Whatever he does, it’s 100%- no off button, when his pals were able to stop drinking alcohol or taking cocaine- he kept on going unfortunately. Then the vicious cycle of addiction starts.
Thankfully 2 yrs ago he admitted he was struggling. Doctors offer no help with addictions, they are referred to addiction services who refer them back to Doctors- so nothing helps.
He joined AA and CA groups, relapsed a few times but currently 7 months clean and is helping others in the group now.
He told me his medicine is the regular meetings to fight the addiction. He’s only just started sleeping better, the withdrawal nightmares were awful for him.
He’s more thoughtful and shows his feelings now. I still look over my shoulder almost like ptsd, but I’m trying to relax a bit more. I don’t get too complacent as I know circumstances can change very quickly for people in recovery.
I still pray for strength for him and for all of us here that things will improve- I’m so sad to read what some of you are going through- you all sound like such loving, caring mums.
Sending you all hugs
Lx ❤
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Hi Lindy Loo
I think your situation is very inspiring – your son is doing well, however like you say I think we are all suffering from PTSD.
I have had to tell my son very clearly that I don’t trust him – it hurts him a lot to hear this and I’m sure it doesnt help with his recovery but his father was an alcoholic so I have PTSD and trust is a massive issue with me. I think it’s only through actions and not words can the trust be regained. And this could take many years.
I just feel sad – constantly sad, not angry not depressed just sad. I used to see happy times ahead – but they have been wiped out.
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Hi Georgie,
Just hang in there, I’ve also been where you are. Their lives with addiction just sucks the life out of you. I always have to remind myself- that’s not my son talking- it’s the addiction. Your son is still there, but it takes a lot of courage, strength and determination to get clean. He also has to be the one to seek support- they won’t be told while this addiction has a hold of them.
Please try not to let it consume you as it does him. Take care of yourself, try to find pleasure in the little things. Let your son know that you love him but hate what the addiction is doing to him.
Please stay strong, think positive and have faith.
Always here to chat or vent
Lx ❤
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Great to hear that the situation is promising for your son right now Lindyloo. As you say, it is very important to stay positive. The permanent misery and fear and heartache associated with my son’s addiction was ultimately destroying me and I was a shell of a human being. I somehow found the strength(unsure if that is the most appropriate word) to say goodbye although my heart remains permanently seeped in sadness and despair . When my son was in my life, I was being abused and my actions were enabling him. I was hoping and praying that the decision to say goodbye would provide an opportunity for him to address the nightmare consequences of his addiction but recent information that I have indirectly received strongly suggests that hasn’t happened. I had made clear to my son that the door was open to be in my life again if he addressed his addiction. Truly horrible things were happening that left me permanently scared and living on the edge. WE are talking over 2 decades here. I go to bed with it stirring in my mind and I wake up with the same feelings. Truly horrible but I need to take care of myself. Like many others on this forum, I look at all the things I may or may not have done to cause the situation. What to say or do??? To all the people who have shared their anguish and pain on this forum, please take care of yourselves. Be kind to yourselves also. Moment by moment. Peace to you all when you are able to grab it
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Hi Nanny ger
Your post sounded so sad
We are all at different stages of what we can deal with
I can image how sad it must be to finally end the relationship with your son albeit
With the understanding the door is open
I’ve been listening to Gabon Mate on you tube
I’m even more depressed now
I really get his take on things but I’m not sure if it’s helpful
I’m still with my son we are at my house but going back to his tomorrow
He’s not drinking and behaving pretty normal
But my god it’s hard work
My partner and I are rowing most of the time it’s so difficult I think he’s jealous of my son
And resents my spending time with him
And I’m lost in it all
Take care of yourself
Love Joanie xx
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Hi I hope things are as okay as they can be. My son has been away for over a week staying with friends. He stormed out after we had a difficult conversation about renting flats. It felt like such a weight was lifted especially as he was going to stay with people that don’t have the same problems he has. While he was away I started to feel normal again and didn’t dread waking up in the morning. Today he came back and our first conversation ended with him asking me to leave his room because of something I said. I had tried to not say anything inflammatory and just felt angry that he can feel so unaccountable while expecting everyone else to be perfect. I feel angry I’m back here with the worry and fear and relentlessness of addiction dominating every thought. Rant over, sorry.
Joanie – I hope things are better with your partner. Your situation sounds exhausting if you are splitting your time between your son’s home and yours. I can understand why you are doing that but it’s very tough on you.
Nannyger. I’m really sorry, I can hear the exhaustion in your messages. I pray that all our sons see the light at some point and turn their lives around. Take care x
Lindy – It’s really good that your son is doing well. He sounds amazing, I know there will still be bad days and you probably still worry like crazy but it’s good for us to know it can happen.
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Hi Jem- isn’t it amazing how amazing it is to feel “normal” for just a bit. We forget how that feels! I think, ‘this is what other people must feel’, and how much more I could accomplish in life if I did! I hope it gave you enough peace to catch your breath for just a minute.
Joanie- I’m sorry you are having to carry your son’s sobriety on your shoulders. You deserve a life with your partner- you’ve earned it.
nannyger- you’ve been on my mind. I can hear the weariness in your voice. 20+ is a long time to have dealt with all you’ve been through. I understand what it’s like when you have to step away for your sanity. But it hurts to not speak to one of your children. It feels so unnatural. I’ve had to step back at times to get some kind of control of myself so I don’t feel like I’m drowning.
My son has been going up and down with his sobriety. He was doing well around Christmas and he’s been slipping since. I did see him around his birthday- his 40th. My sister and her two college-aged children came and they helped keep things fairly normal. It was hard for me to see my sister’s kids so full of life and their future and then look at my son. My son looked very thin and a bit haggard with dark circles under his eyes, although he looked better than other times I’ve seen him. As I drove him home, he said he felt sad that he has missed so much of what’s going on with the family. I stayed positive and drove away and was sad for days. A handsome, bright young man with so much promise. After 10+ years of this, I still CANNOT believe that this is his life (and mine too).
I reached out to him a couple of days ago and he didn’t respond, so I guess I know what that means.
Bump- I hope things have calmed down and hopefully improved with your son.
I hope you all have a nice weekend. We’ve finally had some snow here in Colorado- off and on for the last couple of weeks. It’s very pretty. I need the change of seasons. I need things to at least change around me with nature since my life continues on with the same story. ❤️
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Jem isnt it hard when ypur get that little piece of normality only to be thrown back into the lions den of addiction.
Februarymarie so sad too when you see other families members who are functioning as it feels.like life is so cruel to have been dealt the card we have.
Nannyger you have been so strong.
We have had the usual crap with my son and I’m pretty certain I have PTSD I wake in the night with a fright thinking of him in various situations.
I’ve managed to find a place that’s for homeless addicts which offers rehabilitation and within a week of my call they have accepted my son. His benefits will cover the cost of it.
However he turned up to meet them on friday and had to be breathalysed and he blew numbers as he had a drink that morning.
So he needs to be sober and clean on Wednesday.
He seemed keen on going but I’m worried if hes committed enough.
He may not get another chance
I had breathed a sigh of relief but he got drunk.last night and we had missed calls at 1.30am…I switched my phone off as it’s too.much. hes been constantly asking for money which again is relentless.
Keep strong everyone I think of you all. Xx
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Hi all
Just back from a weekend with my granddaughter my son drove
He was lovely with her baby daughter but
I feel it’s not enough to keep him strong and sober
It was a difficult weekend as she is on her own with the baby
As the husband has left her for someone else and a cocaine habit
She is living in a run down house with a big mortgage that was to be done up and their forever home
She hasn’t got much and house is awful
I can’t worry about her she is young and will have to manage
The baby is 1 and quite demanding
And she has had to go back to work 3 days a week
When will all this end
I want to go home and rest or go on holiday
I’ve worked all my life and now all I have is stress and worry
I think my son will go back to work soon maybe a week on Monday
He has a counseling session face to face on Wednesday I just don’t want to get my hopes up
I think we all feel the same despair
It’s so sad
I get the thing about other people having a normal life and doing nice things
It makes my life seem worse
Not that I would wish this on anyone
I’m so tired
I hope thing improve for us all
Take care everyone
Love Joanie xx
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I’m so sorry ladies, I read from afar as I’m not very good with words.and expression. My son has been on his roller coaster drugs since he was 14 and he is now 28. He is a shell of himself, I love him so much. He’s at his father’s at the mo and has been since he was homeless and on crack and heroin Dec 20 but his father is completely at the end of his tether. My son is incommunicado and this means he is back on drugs. I have a terrible terrible feeling something is going to happen, I feel all avenues are closed now, and I feel like some sort of end will happen soon. I was in a very very dark place in 2020 when I found out he was using heroin and crack. I’m so very very sad. Hearing your stories makes me feel less alone.
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Hi halo20
I’m sorry you have all the worry and stress of a son with addiction
We all live with that feeling of doom
I think it’s because we wonder how much more harm can our sons/daughters do to themselves with out consequences
There is always hope that they will stop
Has he tried rehab or any groups
In England there are groups for families of addicts
My son is a binge drinker and is ok while i am with him but the effects of one of his sessions are very scary
I have found it hard to get help but he has started counselling and is taking antidepressants
Ultimately we have no control over what they do and at the moment I have no control over him keeping me here
My advise is to take care of yourself as best you can as all this will harm you if you don’t
Do you have other children
Try to read Thresas thread on here
It my help
Keep strong
Love Joanie xx
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Hi everyone
How are you all doing
How’s the new year going
I hope things are getting better
I’m still with my son it’s 3 months now
He is sober and going back to work tomorrow still working from home
He has started the counseling again one a week at the moment
It’s been very difficult to get the sessions the state of peoples mental health is very bad after Covid and now all the cost of living rises plus all the other reasons
I feel like taking up the cause but to be honest I’m so tired I’m not sure I can
I really want to go home I miss my other family especially the grandchildren
I’m trapped here while my life disappears
Friends are contacting me less
I find comfort on this site
Take care
Love Joanie xx
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Stay strong Joanie.
I’ve not been on here for a while. I feel like I’m saying the same thing over and over again.
My son is back home after an argument at New Year – he is waiting for his assessment for ADHD and slowly coming off his antidepressant. I know he is still using Ket but decided I am not going to let it into my life.
I ignore it, strange but true. I’m in denial – mirroring his denial. I believe something will have to change because life does and people do and sometimes God tests us in ways we cant comprehend.
You will be back with your grandchildren and have your life back. Just trust.xx
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My update????
I received a text from him New Year’s Eve asking if I wanted to go to a local pub we use to go in together! I was really shocked, I knew for a fact he wouldn’t do coke with me there! Anyway we arrived sat down chatting he seemed uneasy definitely not himself! At one point he said I was being really loud, bearing in mind it was New Year’s Eve and we r both loud people, He would never say your being to loud! Mind you I am bipolar???? came to end of the night and he was like ok ready rushed to he’s, wouldn’t put any lights on got me a blanket for the sofa and hurried upstairs! I was really sad, thought we was gonna have a chat but nope???? It turned out he hadn’t done any coke and he was agitated and restless, is it wrong to say I was happy in the sense he didn’t do it with me, like he had some respect???? Since then he’s been going out all weekend! I had to make the biggest decision which is crippling me, no contact! This means that I don’t get to see my beautiful girls! Dollie and Rosie my Jack Russels ????The can’t live with me because I’m at mums and she has a rescue Staffy Ruby, who is so loving to people but not to other dogs! We even tried behaviour therapy for, but didn’t work! I can’t watch him ruin his world, he’s well known lots of friends, but he’s slowly loosing everyone and everything, heart breaking! ???? Any positives or negatives would help.
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Well we have finally cut my sister loose! After spending a horrific week coping with what i think is alcohol psychosis we finally gained her agreement to her going to a detox centre (she has an NHS funded rehab place in 2 weeks). We paid the £1500 deposit, took her to the centre and she refused to get out of the car. The centre staff tried to coax her out but said she was looking like she was having a breakdown so to take her to A and E. we were with her for 12 hours (after coaxing her for 3 hours just to get her to book in) . She finally had lots of medical checks and a MH nurse agreed she was suffering from Alcohol psychosis …. And was recommending she be sectioned! Hallelujah!! Well that all came crashing down, the panel rejected the recommendation and she was turfed out! She’s become so paranoid about her family she’s checked into a hotel and doesn’t want anything to do with us so we have decided that’s it…..we are letting her go and hoping she comes to her senses and decides that a life on the streets is not where she wants to be. Hardest decision in the world and right now it’s tearing us apart but after decades of misery on the horrific merry go round of alcohol addiction I think it’s now or never! I am so so sad tonight and cannot bear to even have her in my mind. I am new to forums but god I cannot believe how many stories are the same. I think this is going to be a big source of comfort for me and my mum.
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Hi Emma- welcome to this forum. It really has been a godsend to me and many others, a place where we can share in an understanding space. I’m sorry to hear about your sister. Your story sounds very much like my son’s- he’s a severe alcoholic too. He too, has suffered from alcohol psychosis multiple times. It’s absolutely terrifying. It’s so deflating when you get everything together for them to finally get the help that you know they desperately need, and then they refuse. Something similar happened with us a couple of years ago. At his counselor’s recommendation, we coaxed him in to a place we thought was to be a detox and then to rehab. It turns out it was just an overnight detox center and he checked himself out the next morning and told me to never put him in a prison like that again. It’s an impossible situation for the families of these addicts. The decision to get well must be on them. And you’re left with trying to make your own life a bit better. I’m sorry for your family and your sister. I’m glad your mom has you.
Halo20- it’s good to hear from you, but I’m sorry you’re still on your rollercoaster with your son. The overwhelming sadness is a constant. It’s hard to hope, but we do anyway as we should. Some addicts do get and stay sober. Hang in there as best as you can- you’re not alone.
Bump- even though things have been awful for you lately, there is a small positive that your son seems to at some point get back to therapy somehow. I hope he sees that it’s the only way that he can a part of your home again. Try and rest now that he is temporarily safe, it takes it’s toll doesn’t it?
bella73- you may have been on here before and I missed it, but welcome anyway. You sound like me in that you just keep trying to have a normal relationship with the son you used to have and it just doesn’t work. I text and very occasionally see my son (when he’s sober) and it’s strained- at least for me. I’m wary of him- he’s hurt me a lot. As I said to Emma, as hard as we try, we can’t stop them from ruining their lives. You can control only what you can control, which is to set boundaries for your self so you don’t go down too, take as best care of yourself as you can, and give your energy to those in your life who deserve it and will reciprocate it. And pray..
Ladies- I think and pray for you all and I pray for all your addicted loved ones too. Much love ❤️
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Sorry to read that emma j..I e had same issues with my son just when ypu think the mental health services etc are going to do something it all comes crashing down.
So my son is finally in a rehab centre funded by his benefits.
I’m hoping he sticks at it and sorts himself out but i cant relax as like most in this site know …there always seems to be so.ething around d the corner to make thi gs come crashing down.
I have really relapsed this weekend too with making covid and have barely been able to do anything.. the stress and emotional roller coaster has caught up with me…I feel.burnt out…..not the type of millionaire prince harry burn out either!!
This addiction is exhausting for us.. and it’s also so upsetting when my son blames all around d him for his problems ..the selfishness of it totally gets to me.
Anyway keep strong everyone.
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Hi Bump, just been catching up on the thread.
I’m pleased that your son has got a rehab centre and I pray that he will get the help he needs to control his addiction.
I’m sorry to hear you have covid again! It’s still doing the rounds here too, and I’m paranoid about catching it again. I hope you get well rested while you have the chance. I guess your immune system is just low just now.
I just wanted you to know I think and pray that all our sons get the help and continued support they need.
Sending you all my love ❤️
Lx
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Thank you to all on this forum, its heartbreaking and also reassuring in the most awful circumstances, its so surreal and terribly real at the same time. It such a feeling to know that I’m not alone, although I feel so alone in my thoughts, especially when I allow myself to thaw out of my nubmness to all of my sadness and hurt. I kid myself a lot that I am numb but if I dig down just a little I am overwhelmed with deep sadness. My family know about my sons troubles, not all of the facts, but the main ones – he is a drug addict. I have had questions asking where it comes from, apparently there is a ‘reason’ and something must have happened when he was younger. I have a daughter who grew up with the same parents, the same house, the same rules, the same love and she doesnt take drugs. All I know is when he was born he just lit up the room, he was full of energy and did not stop. We now know that he had ADHD, undiagnosed from his childhood. I was told by the school, the doctors, specialist that he was on the ‘edge’ of a diagnosis, but not a sure case. Trouble started when he was around 14, he admitted this is when he started doing cannabis and ketamine. I had never even heard of this drug. Long term use of this drug has given my son a lifelong urinary track injury and he has been in hopital a few times because of the damage it has done to his body. He ended up in hospital a few times, trouble with police, suspended and expelled from school, in court, all since the age of 14. I know you all have similar stories, I have read them all from afar. I’m astonished at the similarities. So where are we now? Well, his last chance saloon was at his dad’s, that has come to an end and he had been given a months notice to leave. He has no job (he has had plenty and is well liked and loved at most of his jobs but on drugs he goes AWOL). He has had debts repaid for him, stayed at his grandparents, tried university, college….every 3 months it all disappears because of drugs. He is now facing homelessness again, he is back on drugs and he is in debt with no friends apart from a fellow drug addict. I don’t know what to think, my heart pounds when I think of the future. I have hope, but I wouldn’t want to be in his shoes homeless, perhaps on the streets again, with his guitar begging for money. I was in a black hole in 2020 when I found out he was on heroin, crack and cocaine. He has had help with drug councellors, been given a flat, been given medication privately for his ADHD, group therapy….and still he returns to drugs. He is an addict. I havent had a [proper conversation with him since last November, I have only just been given a mobile number for him. You are given only a few opportunities in life, I feel hes had his fair share and now he is on his own, and he is so very vulnerable. But he has stolen for drugs from shops, taken mponey from his grandparents and is no angel, there is no happy story for this drug addict. Anywat I’m not after answers, just thanks for allowing myself to share the truth to at least someone in this world, I share with noone else, my feelings are my own. Take care and thank you again. No doubt there will be more to this part in the next few weeks……
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Halo20- yes, your story sounds so very much the same. You’ve been through a lot. And you just get to the point where you just have to let things play out because anything you do doesn’t change anything except make you crazy. Your private thoughts are the same as mine. I’m glad we all have each other.
Hugs ❤️
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Your story is sadly similar to many many others. It’s so painful to watch and yet that is all we can do. If we could save them we would in a heartbeat. I can’t suggest anything except keep talking to people who understand. My thoughts are with you and your boy xx.
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Thank you xxxxxx I have a few months of being normal,being myself and happy, chatting to people, then he goes awol and finds drugs again and I fall immediately into a black hole, I shake and cry without tears and feel so very very sad, and cannot feel happy about anything, I wake up a night in the same thoughts, I wake in the morning and sometimes I forget, but seconds later it all comes back and I continue with a feeling of dread. I know this is not healthy, I try to go on very wintery walks just to be in nature and have the full force of nature against me – it makes me forget and that is a good thing. I may take up outdoor swimming. I wish I could help him, but I know not to enable him, I pray that he has enough strengh of character to pull through. We know its a long time roller coaster ride and there are blips, but the blips can be so damaging. I’m so sorry ladies, I, as a mother also am on a roller coaster ride, I wish I cold write during times of good, not just in these times of dread, it will pass – it always does and we move on and deal with whatever life throws at us. Take care all, my thoughts are with you all x
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Well said Halo20. ♥️
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Hi Halo
I know exactly what you mean
Those brief times when you think things are normal you do normal things and spent time with normal people
Having a chat or going out
Then it comes crashing back in that you are dealing with irrational situation
I am in a bad state still staying with my son but I’m having panic attacks
And palpitations I’m not sure what’s going on
I can’t go to my dr because I’m not at home
I’m in Wales where the health service is different
Im trying to relax go for walks rest eat ok
My blood sugar is up the wall
I’m type 2 diabetic
One minute is ok then is suddenly drops
I’ve had a falling out with my granddaughter over her cocaine addict husband
And I’m not sure if I’m over reacting
We use speak or text everyday
And now I can’t bring myself to contact her
I’m sorry to rant on I know the solutions are in my hands just need to voice my fears and feelings
My son is fine ???? he’s working from home
Seeing his counsellor trying to find groups of people to go out with
Eating well
Even managed a glass of wine with his dinner on Sunday with out any bad reaction
I really feel if I’m going mad
Hope everyone is ok on this thread
Love and hugs to you all x x
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????Happy Valentine’s Day everyone! ???? Although, it isn’t fully happy is it? Holidays never really are. You make the best of it.
joanie59- I’m worried about you. It seems like you are under a great amount of stress even though your son seems to be doing fine. Somehow that just doesn’t seem fair. You deserve to have your own life. I hope you can find the strength to get back to your own life and your partner and all the things in your life that lift you up.
My son is drinking again. My birthday was last week and he texted me and said he’d like to go to lunch. I said sure, but I never count on anything because he seems to often set a plan with me and then cancel- and we know why. Well, he called me about a 1/2 hour before we were supposed to meet and he didn’t sound sober. He said he dropped his phone and it was not working properly and seemed distraught about it. I finally said in the nicest way I could, that he didn’t sound like himself and I would prefer to see him when he is more “himself”. I just don’t really like being around him when he’s intoxicated- it’s too strange. We talked for a while and he cried and said how sorry he was over and over and that he doesn’t understand why this addiction happened to him and that he wishes he didn’t live in a country that is so capitalistic. ????? See what I mean? I can’t tell you how many phones he’s lost or broken by dropping them- at least 8+. I talked to him and then said let’s get together when he’s more “himself”. Birthdays have been so bad for so many years. I tried to focus on all the good people in my life and felt lots of love, but as we all know, with a sorrow in my heart- always.
I’m sharing this quote with all of you. I don’t even know where I found it, but I cut it out and pinned it up, so I’ll remember:
“You have one life to live and you get to choose how to live it and who you surround yourself with. As harsh and callous as that might sound, it is most probable that it is the only way for you to have a meaningful, fulfilled life. Addiction and dealing with addicts is a full-time job that requires more time and energy than most people have in a lifetime. This all-encompassing pursuit will suck the life out of you and leave you empty, depressed and hopeless if you let it. Sometimes, the best course of action is to start a new life and get as much joy and happiness you can muster for the heartbeats you have left. The choice is always yours to make. The best decision you can make is to let go of any false guilt you have concerning any dysfunction of your past concerning addiction and surround yourself with people who build you up, support you and love you for who you are, not what you can do for them. Detach with love, wish them well, and pray for them. It is not your responsibility to save them or the world. The best thing that could ever happen for you or them is to save yourself, so that you are a living testament that hope of a better life is still alive in the world.”
Hugs to all… ????
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Hi Joanie/everyone
I’m sorry to hear you are still going through it..but it sounds like your son is taking baby steps and slowly getting well. I think you are most likely on your way to burnout with all the stress – and that’s why you are experiencing the palpitations.
It’s very hard when you live with them and can only get a away for a few hours and have to come back to ‘it’ again. It causes a great deal of paranoia and distrust and really makes you physically ill. My son is just 23 and still doing Ket – he’s living with me but I can’t find anything to challenge him with it. I just ‘know’ – I scour his room when he goes out but cant find anything. He just has a constantly bunged up nose. He said he’s damaged his nasal tissue from previous use but I don’t believe a word. He’s destroyed a mothers love, a mothers trust, a mothers bond, in ways he cant even begin to imagine. I go to work and avoid all my friends because I dont want to talk about him – so slowly becoming more isolated.
Februarymarie – I get the capitalistic comment – if he went to university a lot of students are taking the viewpoint that capitalism is at the root of mental ill health and has been for generations. Putting food on the table, paying bills keeping a job down. They all find it stressful especially with cost of living and house prices – so I’m kind of on their side with that. On a final note I work in education and there seems to be an epidemic of boys with ADHD/AUTISM/OCD. It’s quite frightening because they are not going to cope in the real world and this is when the problems start. Uni/partying/drug taking etc.
Love to you all.
I found this little poem from WW2 era (although we are not gone yet!) that encapsulates us little ladies:
The Tired Woman’s Epitaph
Here lies a poor woman who was always tired;
She lived in a house where help was not hired.
Her last words on earth were: “Dear friends, I am going
Where washing ain’t done, nor sweeping, nor sewing:
But everything there is exact to my wishes;
For where they don’t eat there’s no washing of dishes…
Don’t mourn for me now; don’t mourn for me never –
I’m going to do nothing for ever and ever.
I think women have always had it rough…
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I can relate to all that it really is so draining especially when they are still in the home.
My so is in week 2 of rehab so.im gradually starting to relax a bit more but it does take a while to not be in a constant state of stress and I’m having chest pain as in my head I’m still thinking of worse case scenarios.
My son also 23..welljust shy..going to university definitely was what threw him into the .minefield of drink and drugs and having issues like adhd etc definitely is a factor.
So.much needs to he done.
My son cant cope with life Bill’s getting and keeping a job.
Last time I spoke to hi. Was to tell him he had a chesty fine for jumping train fare. He also owes the rehab money and hes only been there 2 weeks.. we are beyond stressed with helping his money situation. We just cant do it anymore.
Keep strong people.x
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Hello to all on this forum and especially to the newcomers who gain support from sharing of familiar pain and disruption that only those affected by addiction will truly understand. Kate 1, despite the total nightmare of your son dying, you are still offering support and comfort to those on this forum; ‘thank you’ doesn’t seem enough. Truly humbling.
Yes, our rollercoaster experiences of sadness, fear, pain, desperation and hope amongst many other emotions are shared by us all. Our loved ones are at varying stages at different times. What to say or do except to take care of ourselves as much as we can. The circumstances and consequences of my son’s addiction are permanently with me and my heart breaks with it all. I look forward to sleeping as that is the only escapism from it all. All so terribly sad. Please take care of yourselves and thank you for sharing. Love and hope to you all
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Hi all,
It breaks my heart reading all the messages but also lovely to know that I’m not alone. My son is 22 and not a day goes buy where he hasn’t had something (cannabis, cocaine, steroids, alcohol) I also face a constant battle of sleepless night and worry, its affecting my household and my work. My stress levels are through the roof, constantly hoping that he will do the right thing but he sadly never does. He has a good job and got his car back on the road recently after going a few months clear of cocaine but tonight will mark the third time, three weeks running where he’s been on an all nighter and missed work. I now dread the backlash of it all – lose his job, missed car payments, drug dealers wanting payment, my son feeling sorry for himself asking me for help but the truth is I ALSO NEED HELP ???? I just don’t know what to do for the best. I genuinely believe my son has ADHD but he refuses to get assessed or visit the GP. I am at my wits end and quite frankly am sick of how he makes me feel. I want to shout at him and ask him why he keeps doing this but at the same time I am relieved when I hear the key in the door because at least I know he’s ok after hours of waiting through the night
Take care all x
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Hi Kelly8- I’m sorry to hear about your struggles and your son’s too. He’s still young and there’s the hope that he will get it together. Try and get some help for yourself, both physical and mental. Dealing with addiction can take you down hard and then you’re no good for anyone in your life. My story with my alcoholic son is very long and I see things in a different light in hindsight. If you can, try to learn how to not enable your son. Love him but don’t enable him.
Yes, there are sad stories here, but also a wonderful support from people who truly understand this crazy life. Remember, there are perhaps other children in your life and partners and other people who love you and need you.
And I’m sure there are success stories too, but they likely move on from here.
Stay as strong as you can. Prayers for you. ????????
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Hi Kelly8
It sounds like you are going through hell, I feel like we all live in some kind of purgatory having to pay for something – I just don’t know what!
Maybe see your GP if the sleepless nights and worry are making it hard to function. They could give you time off if you need it.
I would say pretty much most young people – if they have any money – are using some drug or other (and I include alcohol). But not all of them get addicted. What I want to know is why the government are not taking this seriously. And why universities are not clamping down on drug use and not drug testing their students. They have drug policies but what good does that do? young people need help – especially boys. Their brains are not even fully developed for a few more years.
After months of hounding my son, changing antidepressants etc – he has finally arranged an assessment for ADHD. Yesterday we went through a mountain of questions that he had to answer before the assessment. I’m not sure if it changes anything if they find out they have a mental health issue, but at least we know that they maybe trying to mask something with the drugs – maybe they are trying to calm their thoughts and fear and anxiety down.
Maybe take a look on the website Psychiatric UK- they are the organisation the NHS are using – they are private as well as NHS. We were lucky because we fall in an area where we can get it on the NHS. But honestly I would have paid privately.
The website has loads of useful videos regarding drugs and mental health diagnosis adults and children.
I would also like my son to have an assessment for Autism because I can see some behaviors that present in individuals with Autism. It makes sense to me that we have so many boys with addictions and these ‘conditions’ Autism, ADHD etc seem to be more present in boys than girls. The medical profession already know that there is more chance of drug use if a person has a mental health issue i.e bipolar, ocd, autism, adhd – the list goes on.
I think the assessment is done by two video calls. But all the information is on there. The first step is the GP – they give you a questionnaire to fill in and then refer you on if you score highly on the assessment.
Good luck.x
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Hi all
I seem to be posting a lot
I’ve been with my son for nearly 4 months
My partner went home a week ago
He had things to do
My son is doing well not drinking back working from home on nearly full time hours
Having his counseling
Making an effort to try to meet people
He’s joining a couple of social groups
All going on the right direction
But I feel as if I’m losing my mind
I can feel myself fading away
Being nothing but a crutch for him
I’m 69
I miss my friends and family so much
I’m not sure how to get out of this situation
I don’t even think he realizes how unfair this is on me
It’s like Groundhog Day
I don’t have a car here it’s not rural but it’s too far to walk to any shops
And the weather has been awful so i haven’t even been able to just walk
I finally have a capture wardrobe because
I only have basic outfits ( jeans and jumpers ) ????
No reason to dress up my hair needs cutting my nails are not great
Where have I gone
I don’t think I’m depressed just In despair of this situation which I have created for myself
I’ve fallen out with my granddaughter
Quite a serious rift over her cocaine addict husband and money
Much as I’m angry with her i miss her texting me
If I leave and he starts drinking I will have achieved nothing
Sorry for the woe is me rant
I’m waiting to get up to repeat another boring day
Hope everyone is doing well
Love and hugs
Joanie
X x
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Hi Joanie,
I thought of you this morning and then your message popped up. You have been amazingly good to your son. He is very lucky to have you and I appreciate why you would feel you should stay as he is making such good progress while you are there. I know roughly where you are in Wales, but am not sure how far from there you live. Would it be possible to start going home for a few days a week and coming back again. I think you said in one message that your son was spending time at your house. I guess if your son’s relationship with your husband isn’t great it might be less stressful for you to go there. You are caught in a double bind because he obviously has a good job and that is one of the things that will really help him back to normality. Everything got so much worse for us when my son lost his job. He hasn’t worked now for nearly 2 years and will struggle when he does go back to the workplace. Do you ever have a conversation with your son about how all of this is impacting on your life? I know its a small thing, but try and get out and find a hairdresser, you need to hang on to you.
We had an interesting start to our day, my son and my partner came to blows over something really silly but everything came to a head. He has reduced his heroin usage but is using sleeping tabs to help with the side effects, these turn him into someone I don’t really know. Strangely heroin doesn’t do that. I am under pressure to move to another part of the country to help my son get his life back together. I see the benefits for him in being back near friends, but he is no where near ready for that. I am scared about hanging on to my job as its hard to now argue to manage things via Zoom when everyone else is heading back to the office.
I hope everyone is okay and staying strong. At least the sun is shining today and its not raining.
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Hi Jem
Thank you for your kind words
I am good 4 hour drive from my home
Which is tricky it’s all along the flood route at the moment
I’m not confident with the drive really but I can get a cheap train ticket I’ve done that a couple of times
We are having a new central heating boiler fitted soon so we will both have to home for that it’s not fair to my partner to be there on his own
I’m just frightened to leave him
Sorry you have had a bad start to the day
You sound like a very level headed person
If you move you might just be creating another set of problems
My son is 49 too old to be living with me
I will try to have a chat with him
But any bump in the road makes him shake with nerves
My falling out with his daughter is off the conversation topics
He can’t cope with real life
Prefers to watch endless rubbish on the tv
What did we do to deserve all this hassle
I really hope things get better for your son
I’m in Swansea is that any where near you ?
Joanie x
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Hi Jem
Thank you for your kind words
I am good 4 hour drive from my home
Which is tricky it’s all along the flood route at the moment
I’m not confident with the drive really but I can get a cheap train ticket I’ve done that a couple of times
We are having a new central heating boiler fitted soon so we will both have to home for that it’s not fair to my partner to be there on his own
I’m just frightened to leave him
Sorry you have had a bad start to the day
You sound like a very level headed person
If you move you might just be creating another set of problems
My son is 49 too old to be living with me
I will try to have a chat with him
But any bump in the road makes him shake with nerves
My falling out with his daughter is off the conversation topics
He can’t cope with real life
Prefers to watch endless rubbish on the tv
What did we do to deserve all this hassle
I really hope things get better for your son
I
Joanie x
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Hello Everyone. Yes, so easy to lose yourself and become ground down with the enormity of it all and the consequences to all. Constant worry/fear/hope/terror/sadness/despair amongst many other emotions. I have been feeling very low recently; going to bed with it all on my mind and waking up with it also. Permanently engraved in my life and no way out. All so sad for so many people. Joanie, you ask where have you gone? You are in there and need to take care of yourself. I agree with the suggestion of finding a hairdresser; that would be something for yourself. Everyone on this forum, please take care of yourselves as much as you can. Looking back on my situation, I am aware that I enabled my son for far too long but I wasn’t strong enough to stop doing that. Hindsight is a wonderful thing and I sometimes wonder if I had stopped enabling years ago that things wouldn’t have got as bad as they did. I have shared the horrible, painful details previously. I send peace and hope to you all.
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Joanie – I think your mission for today is to go and find a hairdresser, a nice one where they take their time and give you coffee. I am also in Wales right in the middle, and drugs and addiction services are really not great. I have been trying to find out how many rehab places are funded by our local authority but everyone’s very tight-lipped. I really hope that your son keeps going in the right direction and that you can get back to your own life. You need to be able to go home for at least a few days at a time.
Nanny ger – I feel that all I’ve really done is enable my son, the alternative looks right in principle but it’s those small incremental decisions that allow this mad way of living to become the norm, then I guess it’s so hard to get normal boundaries back in place. I often think about what I would do differently if I had the last 6 years again, as I guess we all do.
Bump – I hope that your son has stayed in rehab and that you have some time to relax and get your breath.
Thinking of everyone on here xxx
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Hi Jem
I’m sorry you son is unwell again and hope you have managed to sort things out
It’s never ending and I’m sure you must be stressed out
Thank you for your advise
I have had my hair and nails done
And had a conversation with my son re coming home for a few days
I am home !
For a week the new boiler is being fitted on Monday
Obviously I’m on edge
But I think I’ve been getting on his nerves
How ironic
He hasn’t made any promises and I haven’t made any demands on him
Anyway we left at 10.30 this morning
He phoned me at 11.30
To say he had called in at a local wellness centre his counsellor had recommended and was staying there to do one of the workshops so not to worry if I did hear from him
He phoned at 4.30 me to say he was going for a drink Pepsi with the people from the session
So fingers crossed he may have seen the light
Hes booked at table for Sunday lunch when we go back
He also has a few arrangements to meet
With some groups later in this week
I’m hopeful but not confident it will happen
So don’t lose hope things may get better
Love Joanie ???? xx
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Hi Joanie, I’ve been following your story on this thread. I’m so pleased that you have spent some time looking after yourself for a change. Having a son with addictions is very draining as everyone here knows.
This is some positive news Joanie, I’m so pleased to read this news. It’s definitely a step in the right direction.
It’s hard not to keep looking over your shoulder waiting for the next negative to happen. But please embrace the moment, this is progress! He’s taking steps to his recovery- that’s wonderful news!
Please remain hopeful and pray that he stays strong- that’s what’s kept me going.
Sending hugs
Lx ❤️
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Hi Joanie,
It was really good to read your message, things sound a lot more positive.
Its probably really good for your son to recognize your needs and to understand that you need to be able to spend time in your own home without having to worry that everything will spin out of control if you do. It does sound like he is trying to help himself as well, I hope and pray that things have tuned a corner and that life will be calmer.
I am still staying with a friend, my son is still staying in his room just playing computer games and doing whatever else he’s doing. I managed to have a conversation with him yesterday about the sleeping tablets he is taking and how much they change his behavior. He is using them to cut down on heroin which he has been doing. I just wish he’d do it with professional help.
I feel very stuck, we can only stay here for another week. I can’t take my son back to my partner. My son really blames my partner for hitting him although my son launched himself at him in the night and I can understand why my partner reacted. It all started with a total misunderstanding but my son was under the influence and it escalated.
There are a couple of options none of them easy, and I just feel like my brain has can’t make decisions. I hope that things become clearer.
I hope that everyone has a restful day.
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Sorry for delay relying I’ve had problems with my password.
Thanks jem my son is still at rehab so entering his 4th week now.
He seems to bo doing well I havnt had much contact he has no credit on his phone and has made the decision not to get any as Its helping him switching off from outside. We can still call him though but he rarely picks up.
Its nice to know he is safe and on the right tracks.
I’m.not going to lie it’s been good to not to have to worry and stress so much over him.
Joanie I hope u got to a hairdresser and got some pampering even if an hour in the hairdressers chair cld let u relax for a bit.
Listening to u guys also saying about funded rehab.. it’s taken me a few years to find this one and that was by fluke when I called a homeless charity as I was trying g to find him accommodation after the council put him in a crack den.
This place is in london and is funded by benefit. He can stay in this part for 3 months and after that can go to a move on house but that then becomes u affordable as its £600 a week..I dont know how they can charge that to the the residents as part of the rehab rules is that you cant work….and u also to have to be homeless in the first place to get in there?
The rules for all these places are very odd . I’ve got his name down for a move on type of house with another charity which wont be part of the rehab but wld be supported and covered by housing benefits whilst he gets a job.
I have thought wldnt it be great to have one website we cld all go to which had all the organisations and rehab places listed in one place as I shldbt have had to chase around for the last 5 years and just accidentally stumble on this place. That said maybe it’s all about timing and maybe my son still had to get to this dark place and us along with him to actually consider getting off the drink and drugs who knows.
I think jem when u say what cld you have done differently over the last 6 years we all have those thoughts but ultimately we have to comfort ourselves with the fact any decisions we have made have come out of love and we will never know if they have been right or not but our sons are lucky that we are on this site because we love them..and all we are doing is making what we think is the right decision at the time… let’s not rack ourselves with guilt..I’m guilty of that too but the voice of reason tells me I didnt make my son an addict and I’ve done all I can to support him.
Even his sponsor said to me that he himself as a recovering addict wld have been a addict whatever had gone on in his lifeand I agree. Some people go through the worst traumas and yet not just survive but make a huge success in life ..others can have an easy life but lack resilience when the tiniest thing doesnt go their way and resort to harming g themself if not by drugs or something else…its mental health.
I know alot of women who if they had been through what we have wld have had breakdowns..I mean I know I’ve struggled and still do with PTSD from it and anxiety but I’m still here …sometimes with my long covid it knocks me back but I’m still here
All we can do ladies is look after ourselves as much as we possibly can and if we have days where getting out of bed seems impossible and we cant face another day…remind yourself you can do it..have that day in bed if it helps or go to the dr but we can do it. I send out all my love to you all.
Everyone on this site deserves a medal x
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Bump- I am so glad to hear that your son is staying the course in rehab. I truly, truly pray that this time will be it for him- you’ve been through so much.
I’m sorry to say today has been an awful day. I hadn’t talked to my son for a week or so and I called him just to say hi. He didn’t sound good at all, and was stammering. He said he was having withdrawal and then all of a sudden, he just stopped talking and wouldn’t answer me. I could hear banging sounds and sounds like him breathing heavy and gurgling kinds of sounds. I was pleading with him to answer me. Assuming he was having a seizure, I called emergency services. Paramedics arrived and I could hear them banging on his door. He didn’t answer, so they broke down the door. I could hear everything they were saying and he started talking but seemed disoriented. I pulled up as they were helping him walk to the ambulance. He looked awful; very skinny and disheveled and dirty. I broke down. The police officer said his apartment was full of trash and empty beer cans. My son hugged me while saying he’ll be fine, which, of course, he’s not. I followed him to the hospital where they began giving him the detox drugs. No one knows if he had a seizure , including him. I tearfully told him he must change, he must get professional help and go to rehab and despite all this he still said no. He wasn’t very with it, and then he just fell asleep from the meds. They’ll keep him for 1-3 days and then they’ll discharge him with resource options that he won’t use. I cried all the way home. It’s heartbreaking.
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Hi February Marie
I’m so sorry to hear this, my heart is also breaking for you. I hope your son will be okay and that he gets the support and attention that he so desperately needs.
I’m glad he hugged you- at least you know your son is still in there fighting this evil addiction.
I will keep him and your family in my prayers as I do daily for all of us here. I wish there was more I could say to make you feel better, I can’t imagine what you’re going through. Your daughters and grandchildren will help you through this difficult time. You also have to look after yourself February Marie.
Sending you hugs and prayers ❤️
Lx
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Thanks Lindyloo- you made me cry. Love to you and thank you for the prayers, so much. ♥️
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Hi February Marie I’m so sorry that things are so bad. It’s unbearable to see your child in that state and still not willing to accept help. I have no answers about how we are supposed to deal with this. I hope that he does have a change of heart when he’s been detoxed, although I know from experience it doesn’t work like that.
Things are very bad here also, my son is taking something that makes him agitated. There was a disagreement with my partner which ended up getting physical and things were said that can’t be unsaid. I had to get my son out because he was so unstable I was scared of what was going to happen next. We are staying with friends who know a bit about his problems. He is staying in his room only coming out once or twice a day and slurring his words. It’s like he’s drunk but I’m not sure what he’s taking. He has also contacted family and a friend of my partner to tell them he’s been assaulted. This is also someone I work with. I am so stressed!
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Hi Jem, I’m sorry to read your story, I had hoped that things would be better for you and your family. I wish I had the answers Jem, addiction is so cruel and how it has a knock on effect on everyone around. You are such a kind and supportive person but I know when they’re under the influence of whatever substance, it turns them into people we don’t know anymore. I’m sure, like I said to February Marie, your son is still in there .
I hope he’s calmer now and that the dust has settled a bit.
Please look after yourself, there’s only so much we, as mums can do for them. I pray he wakes up one day and gets the strength to fight this battle.
Sending you much love and prayers ❤️
Lx
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February marie and jem I’m so sorry to read this.
Februariemarie I hope that he sees some clarity while he detoxes it’s so frightening when you see them like that.
It’s also so frustrating that they just get kicked out of hospital with no support.
Jem cld your son be using ketamine?or valium My son wld slur his words and appear drunk on those. I can empathise with when things kick off at home the stress it puts us under as a family is just too much.
Im Glad u have friends who can let you stay there and are understanding.
All i can do is hope and pray that they just reach a point where they really want help and theres a service out there can offer the right support.
But in the meantime make sure to do as much as u can to look after yourselves.
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Hi all,
Sorry February Marie and Jem that you are going through such awful times at the moment.
I have been keeping up to date with this thread, and praying that one day we will be able to write something positive.
Lindyloo, I hope your Son is still doing well and Bump your Son is as well.
Sadly my Mum passed away at the end of January and as you can imagine it has been a very upsetting time. My Son was close to his Nan, but since she has passed I think he has gone into overdrive, he has been unbearable at times, drinking, taking drugs and just having no respect for how I was feeling, his behaviour really shocked me to be honest. He has also been seeing another woman, which never ends well, and now that has ended, I hope he realises that he needs to love himself first, watch this space. He did go to a meeting last week, but sometimes I think that’s just to say to me that he’s doing something.
I have come home from work tonight and he was cleaning the kitchen and cooked the tea, small steps, but I’ll take that for today.
As you all know it is all very wearing at times and I wish I could flick a switch and make it all stop.
Thinking of everyone on here.
Take care.
Dx
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Hi Debc
I’m so sorry for your loss. So much for you to deal with. It will be hard for your son too, this is a time when you would both support each other. I’m glad he made your tea and cleaned up- positives no matter how small.
My son would like a relationship, but based on the last gfs – has decided to wait a bit longer.
He’s doing well thankfully, helping others through the steps , I wonder if that’s God’s plan for him ? Who knows. I’m so proud of him. He’s unable to socialise with his old mates – too many triggers, it’s hard for him. The fellowship guys are good though.
I think of you all often, I hope and pray that all our sons find the strength to fight/continue this battle with addiction.
Look after yourself Deb, and your little grandchild.
Sending hugs ❤️
Lx
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Prayers for us all, and our sons too.. ????
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Thank you for your kind words. I felt exhausted and defeated yesterday but a bit stronger today, whatever my son was using seems to have finally run out. I just feel that in our family things have been said between my son and partner that can’t be unsaid, I just don’t know where we go from here. I really wish he would go to rehab I think it would help him so much, but he has his own ideas about getting off and is going to have to reach this conclusion in his own time.
Bump – I am really happy that your son is making progress in rehab and that you have this time to recharge a little. At least if he’s agreed to go to rehab he is trying to address it, that must give you hope.
Februarymarie – that must have been so frightening, especially when there is no sign of your son wanting to stop at the moment. I know that we have to find a way of living with this and trying to find some joy but like you, I don’t know how you do that. Its crushing to watch your child doing so much damage to themselves.
Deb C – I am sorry to hear about your mum, you need time and space to grieve. I hope your son gets back on track, its lovely when you come home and they are up and about and doing things to help out, especially when its not followed by a request for cash – sorry I’m becoming cynical 🙂
Joanie – I keep thinking about you and your situation, I hope your son is continuing to get stronger and is getting back into his work. I hope you managed to get your hair done and hopefully go home for a few days. I’ve thought a lot about this, probably because I think this is what I will have to do. Maybe the deal should be that you tell him there is no point you continuing with this if he isn’t able to manage for a couple of days without you, and then maybe try and lengthen the visits. You can’t do this indefinitely, its no life.
Lindy – I also cried when I read your message, thank you for the encouragement. Your son is doing so well, and that does continue to give us all hope.
Thinking and praying for all of us xxx
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Hi everyone. My son was discharged from the hospital that very night at 10:00 p.m.! He didn’t have any clothes because I had taken them to wash them because he had wet them when he had his episode- whatever it was. They gave him some random clothes and no shoes and he didn’t have his wallet to call an Uber, so he walked home. It was probably 25 degrees that night and the hospital is not that close to him. I didn’t know any of this until the next morning. I guess he handled it. I could get mad at the hospital, but frankly, I’m grateful that they take care of him all these times he needs medicine to detox. He said sometimes they’re not super nice and sometimes they’re very kind. Everyone I encountered was very nice when I was there with him.
He rested a couple of days and so did I. I wanted to see him and we met for a lunch by him. At least he was clean, and sober. He just looks so worn and thin, but that’s not surprising considering he’s beat himself to hell. We had a very heartfelt talk. He’s said he’s going to get in touch with a counselor- I hope he does, he truly needs one. He needs a lot, but that would be huge start.
I told him I’m just done with anger- it’s wearing me down. I told him I need peace in my heart, that I love him very much and I want him well, and I want to move forward. I will still keep my boundaries, and I told him that I’m here for him, that I want a relationship with him that’s healthy, that I miss him and he said he did too. He said he really wants to be done with all this, I pray he can.
For me, I just need him to know I love him, won’t enable him, but I’m still here for him in the ways that I can.
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Hi February Marie,
I’m so glad that your son is safe and as well as can be expected after all he’s been through.
I hope after your talk together that there’s peace of mind on both sides. It’s a good positive start.
It’s similar to the conversation we had with my son after his last bad relapse. He wanted to know that we still loved him and wanted our support. It’s so much easier to support them when you know they’re trying hard to beat this addiction.
I still text him every night , whether I see him or not, tell him I love him, God bless ..etc hope he’s had a good day, I never ask too many questions, I let him do the talking.
I hope and pray that this is the start of your son’s recovery, and if not, sounds like he’s getting there.
Sounds like you are too February.
Good night and God bless
Sending you much love ❤️
Lx
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Hi lindyloo
You are kind your comments are always positive
Which really helps
It’s hard to think things will be different
I like all the mums on this thread would almost do anything for my son
But have come to realise I can’t sacrifice my life
I’ve put it on hold to give him the support i felt he needs
I hope I can let go soon
Thoughts and prayer to everyone posting on here
Joanie ❤️ X
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Hi Jem
I’m glad you have a friend to stay with maybe when the dust settles your partner and your son will calm down
It’s awful being torn between people you love
Where is your son getting his sleeping tablets
GP are reluctant to give them especially if other drugs are involved
Our boys are a terrible worry
I know my son was using the alcohol to blank everything out
I got to my wits ends
and told the dr he was suicidal and self harming which is the only way he got some help
The hospitals just patch them up and send them out
It took a while for him to get a referral
But in that time i wrote him a list of all the traumatic things that had happened to him it really helped him to see he needed help
The counsellor told him he hadn’t processed anything and started working through them with him
I not sure if he will get better any bump in the road sends him into a flap
Please look after yourself
It takes such a toll on us
I weighed myself when I got home
It’s a great diet being continually stressed
I am so grateful for you and the other mums who post on here
We all know what we should do but doing it is very hard
Take care
Love Joanie x
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Hi I’m half way through his thread I just want to say what wonderful supporting mothers you are , I’m going through everything you have described with my husband I have two young boys too so as you can imagine it’s a struggle , one thing I will say though is having a wife or girlfriend or even kids isn’t enough to make them stop or change if they don’t want too , we can live in hope x much love ladies x
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Hi Mammyessex, thank you for nice words. I too, have lived with an alcoholic husband (my alcoholic son’s father). It is a very difficult situation. I tried covering it up constantly so my kids wouldn’t see it, which unfortunately was enabling for him. And kids are smart, they see things.
The advice we give each other really is the same for you. Learn how to focus on yourself and your life too. Addiction swallows up everything and your mom, so you probably already don’t have much time for yourself. But try, you matter too. ♥️
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Thanks it’s so hard cos he was the main breadwinner , I’ve had no money off him in 6 months I’m struggling with bills food etc badly I only have a job with basic wage he earned very good money but has blew it all on cocaine x I’m down homeless with my council so hoping o get a place really soon as I need to move forward for the kids it’s such a shock after having a good strong marriage all these years thankfully he moved out as the addiction took over and wants a divorce saying the marriage isn’t working anything to blame accept is decisions eh x this thread is helping me loads To process my feelings you are all amazing and it helps to know I’m not alone x
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I’m so sorry you went through it with your husband and now history is repeating itself , I can’t believe my husband can just switch his feelings off so quick I’d love to think he left to save us watching him go through it but I truly believe he’s to selfish for that , does it just turn them into people with no feelings ? I’m on 4 different anxiety tablets due to ptsd through his choices ????
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Hi Mammyessex, yes, unfortunately addiction does turn them in to people that we don’t recognize. That alone creates some of the trauma that we as family members go through. Addiction, by it’s nature makes them selfish because they put that before everything else. One thing to keep in mind is that addiction chemically changes their brain, so even though their behavior is so shocking, they are not really truly themselves- your loved one is in there. That’s not to say that you should put up with it, because that would not be healthy for you. Your kids need you and you deserve to take care of yourself as best as you can.
I’m sorry he left you, my husband left me too, while I was pregnant with our third child- my son was our first. It’s not easy at all. One of the hardest things we’re all trying to deal with is seeing our dreams shattered with our addicted loved one. I’m sure you feel abandoned in so many ways. Their addiction feels like an abandonment anyway.
I know this is not true, but with both my husband and my son, it felt like their addiction was deliberate towards me somehow, that if they loved me, they would stop. I’m learning with my son because it’s gone on so long, that he loves me, but the addiction is at times something he can’t control.
Rest and heal. Counseling has been enormously helpful for me and reading anything I can about addiction and how to handle your life with an addicted loved one. This thread has been a godsend. These are truly people who don’t judge. We just hold each other’s hands as we do our best to go on. I’ll pray for your family. ❤️
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Yes the abandonment is horrific , I also feel like that if they love there kids Etc then why but reading up on addiction is helping you kind of think of it as something that only effects other people but it can happen to anyone I’m page 83 now so nearly catching up Xx
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It’s good you’re reading it. There’s a lot of wisdom in those pages. Most importantly, that you’re not alone. There’s a lot of embarrassment with addiction and it’s very difficult to share this with people, sometimes even your own family. I would have never, ever thought this would be my life. That’s why this forum is great. Plus, as you’re reading the threads, there’s some pretty horrific stories on here. It’s a safe place to share.
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I’m just on to the part Katie lost her son it’s Just horrendous to feel her pain through reading her story , we are all trying our best to navigate through this in the best way we can even if we feel we are barely surviving ❤️
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Yes, God bless Katie. And you too. ❤️
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Marie how is your son getting on ? Ive finally caught up x ivy hope your son is getting on ok and Kate I’d just like to send you my condolences on the loss of your son you like everyone on here did and are doing your best in these awful circumstances, my husband won’t accept help and it’s hard seeing someone you love turn into a shell of themselves x Sending love x
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At this point, he’s doing alright. He’s been home from detoxing at the hospital only a week. I’ve been in communication with him and he sounds good; however, it’s always fingers crossed as I’ve been down this road many times.
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Hi Februarymarie
I’m sorry your son has been in hospital again I hope you are doing ok
I’m glad he’s out and talking to you
It’s hard to have positive thoughts when you have been down the hopeful road
So many times
John Cleeves once said it’s not the despair that’s hard it’s the hope I think that sums us mums up
I home for a week I can’t settle
Knowing I left my son to his own devisees
I have no control over this but it’s hard to accept
Take care of yourself
Joanie x x
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Hi Joanie- I’m really glad you are home. I’m sure your home is much more of a comfort zone than your son’s place. It’s terrible that your brain can’t rest in either place. When you’re with him you feel trapped, and when you’re home, you’re worrying about him. In the end though, his sobriety is his responsibility.
You are a good, loving mother and I hope your son sees the sacrifices you have made for his sake. I hope you can energize yourself with your family, friends and home environment. Hugs to you! ????
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Hi Februarymarie
Thank you my mum always use to say god loves a trier ????
It is great to be home
We have been having a new boiler fitted it went ok
Managed to see my other son and his family it makes me realise what normally is I’ve miss them especially the three grandsons played dominoes with the youngest bliss
Went to a quiz night with friends
Going to a comedy night on Friday and for a Chinese meal on Saturday
May even go to the cinema tomorrow
I can’t tell him what I’ve been doing (not that he asks) because he has that selfish mindset and won’t be happy for me
How sad it is
Will pray for all our sons
Hugs back to you xx ????
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Joanie – so happy to hear that your looking after yourself and getting out and about!
Sending hugs and prayers to you and your lad too ❤️
Lx
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I hope that you are all having a relatively peaceful weekend, despite our sons and what’s happening in the world.
I’ve got my son settled in a flat in the city he was living and working in before lockdown. I have committed to 6 months and will stay with him for part of each week. He has promised to engage properly with services and NA, which are a lot more accessible than where I live. Today he has got dressed in decent clothes and gone to visit some of his old (non-druggy) friends, which feels like a big step forward.
I can’t go back to living with him just sat in a bedroom where I live but this does have an end date of September. I am trying to make him as accountable as I can for looking after the space here, so far he’s cooked for the last 3 nights which is a start.
I know this could end up being a waste of time and money, but I feel I have to try. If he doesn’t take this opportunity and work at it I will withdraw my support because I am not sure what I can do beyond this.
I know that this could end in disaster, but I need to know that I have tried.
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Hi Jem
This sounds like a step in the right direction! I hope and pray this works for all concerned.
He needs your initial support and to know you’re doing it because he’s your son and you love him.
It’s also good that he’s around friends who don’t use.
It would be great if he could get involved with NA or similar group, as there’s some great support offered. But, baby steps Jem, this is a good start, you can’t do any more as a mum.
I lit a candle in church today for everyone here and people involved with addiction. I pray for their/ and our strength to fight these battles.
Stay strong, have hope and look after yourself now as best you can.
Sending you prayers and hugs of support ❤️
Lx
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Hi is it cocaine your son was taking ? How’s he doing x
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Thanks Lindy I appreciate this may sound a bit extreme, part of it is a out him being in an area where they offer a good home detox for opiates to manage through withdrawals.
I know this is a silly question but do you need to be fully clean to go to NA? With heroin you can’t just stop and I can see it being at least a month to get to the point you can have a supported detox but it would be good if he could make connections with NA now while he’s motivated.
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You’re welcome Jem, we’re all here for each other ❤️
Not sure about NA, but I know at CA meetings they are all at different stages in their recovery, or are encouraged to try to stop.
I realise that perhaps some need to taper depending on their substance used – but again, I’m not sure with NA. They would probably give you more info.
Fingers crossed and lots of ????
As long as he’s making an effort it’s easier to support them.
Lx
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I meant to say thank you for your words of encouragement. I am also praying for all of us and our sons xxx
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Hi Jem- I’m glad to hear that your son is at least going in a positive direction. As moms, we’ll try anything, and maybe this will be the right thing for you both. I will keep you all in my prayers..
❤️❤️❤️
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Hi Jem
So please your son is showing signs of improvement
It’s a hard road for him It’s great that he’s trying
And that you have found a way to manage the situation and have a little control back
We all know it’s up to the addict
Do you think he would benefit from some counseling to try to unravel his past and see if talking helps
From an outsiders point of view sometimes they respond to someone else telling them how to feel good about themselves
My son is doing well he went to a “repair shop” session
A group were mending items to raise money for the Ukraine
He had a lovely e mail from them thanking him for his time and skills and how grateful they were for him attending
It all helps with his confidence plus it’s something to do and something to talk about
We are back here with him for 2 weeks but hoping to go home then for at least 2/3 weeks
Take the days as they come it’s all any of us can do
Love and hugs
Joanie xx
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Hello all you lovely parents (with lovely sons!).
Hope it’s OK to come to the chat at a late stage. My son has been struggling for years, with various aspects of feeling ‘on the outside edge’ so really, why wouldn’t he continue to behave in a way to keep himself there, in his familiar place. Various unhelpful factors in school, family life, likely undiagnosed ADHD, have helped him feel ostracised. He is kind, caring, creative and a very fast learner. He struggles to stay in a job.
I feel for your pain and torment (and my own). The regular disturbed nights. Menopause doesn’t help! Then when I wake up and no-one knows where my son is and my mind goes to those blackest places.
I phoned AdFam a few months ago and the kind supporter said ‘politely tell family and friends (with unhelpful advice) that I don’t need their advice on my son, I need their support ie. for me’. Thought this very good advice. Yes I have often felt ‘please someone out there tell me what to do’ when I am most tormented, desperately trying to work out how to best support my son. Then that sinking feeling when he asks to ‘borrow’ money for cigarettes and I suspect I am not helping by handing it over. His main go to drug is MCat and sometimes Cocaine.
I do understand when people advise ‘you have to let ‘them’ hit rock bottom’. I get that the individual has got to decide he/she wants to change, because it’s going to be hard. So the motivation needs to be within, to tap into quickly to help in all those tough moments. As a parent, it goes against the grain to watch and wait while my beloved son slowly heads downhill’. I get that life is a roller coaster but this is a roller coaster we could all do without! My son seems to be making progress, then he takes a knock by someone’s careless comment or just bad luck then his life gets harder, again. Watching him trying so hard when he’s well and then slipping down, making unhelpful decisions when he’s struggling, is heart-breaking.
I know that my son feels guilty and sad for the worry his loved ones go through for him and these feelings are part of the vicious circle that feeds his negative self-image.
A friend told me about a previous relationship he had. His partner had alcohol dependency and he tried and tried to support her, for years, to no avail. They split up and she met her new partner at AA group. She was able to help herself once she felt useful to other people. She took care of her partner, felt needed and was able to improve her self-worth.
As mentioned in this chat, it seems a key to recovery for the person to get involved in something that helps him/her feel useful. Like the nice example re bicycle maintenance project. Finally, the person can feel valued, this counters some of the guilt and helps the person value himself. I think volunteering can be powerful and I would like to think that my son might consider some soon.
Counselling with a good-enough practitioner can help. I’m a fan of person-centred counselling, where the client learns to like (love) him/herself (through their counsellor consistently providing empathy, acceptance and deep respect).
Without question, we need to look after ourselves, because worry is exhausting.
I am learning and have loads more learning to do. I hope to continue to be here for my son, as you all clearly do for your sons. I am starting my own therapy soon and I really hope this will also help me to learn how to provide enabling support to my son.
Yours respectfully,
JB3
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Hi jb3 I’m in the same position but with my husband of 24 years x I know and feel exactly what you are saying , I’ve learnt so much about addiction over these last few months and lived the heartbreak of it as have us all endure along side , my days are consumed with constant thoughts of him and what he’s doing etc it’s very easy for others to jump in and tell you how they see fit to deal with it because they arnt the ones living it nor do they love the addict x I have 2 young boys too and I get when people say you need to look after yourself first but I just feel I can’t , anyway just wanted to say I know how you feel and there is some wonderful mothers on here like yourself , really hope your sons confidence improves and he can start to believe in his own self worth , much love lovely lady x
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Thanks for your response and empathy Mammyessex. Good for your young sons to see you taking care of yourself, so they learn to take care of themselves too and don’t need to worry about you so much. So hard. And hope you get respite in the good times. Wishes of love and strength to you too x
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Hello everyone and thank you Mammyessex for asking after my son.
He is doing okay. He is well looked after but life is still a real struggle for both of us.
He is now very aware of the level of his disfigurement and disability and this is causing him untold grief. We are waiting to see if there will be further surgery to help with his skull . He is still on methadone though his addiction is still very much on everyones mind. He has some terrible breakdowns where all he can think about is using again.
Very difficult times, but he is alive and there are times now that include serenity and even a little joy which I haven’t experienced for years. I’m just taking life , well I’d like to say one day at a time, but realistically it’s more like a couple of hours at a time. The brain injury has left him very confused on top of everything else.
I often log in to catch up on all of your stories, sadly most of them resonate with what I have already gone through which makes me say ” what a remarkable group of strong ladies we are to keep it together through this journey of addiction and recovery ”
I hope that more peace comes into all of our lives, especially for our loved ones.
Love
Ivy x
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Appreciate the update ivy can’t imagine what you’ve all went through and still going through your son is never far from my mind ❤️
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Hi Ivy
I think you are so brave
I hope your son has some improvement in his condition
I can’t imagine how difficult it’s been for you both
I’m glad he’s being well looked after
Words aren’t enough at times like this
The reality of these terrible addictions
Come crashing down we someone
Actually hurts themselves so badly
You and your son are in my prayers
I hope you find some peace
Love Joanie xx
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Ivy- it’s nice to hear from you. It sounds like you and your son are on a difficult path, but doing your best. It’s really heartbreaking the damage that addiction causes them. They are battered and bruised and we are as well. I’m glad to hear that your son is experiencing some serenity at times and I hope you are too. Your story touches my heart. I pray that you are doing okay and your son too.
JB3- welcome to this group. I hope that you find a place here to be heard like no other place can do, because we all understand. There is no judgement because none of us has the answers, but we can cry together and hold each other up, and maybe even give each other hope sometimes when we somebody’s son doing a bit better.
Mammyessex- I hope that you can take a mental break from all this sometimes, although I’m sure it’s difficult when you look at your sweet sons faces and immediately think of their father. It’s hard to hold everyone up when you’re barely getting by yourself.
Love and hugs to you all… ❤️
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Thankyou ❤️
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Thanks x
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Ivy – Its really good to hear from you, I have thought a lot about you and your son. His injuries sound terrible and you had already been through so much with him even before he received his head injuries.
Please take care of yourself in all of this xxx
Joanie – I hope that your son is still doing okay on his own, its great that he is socialising. You mentioned counselling for my son, he has had some and probably will do some more hopefully once he gets back into services. He hasn’t worked for 2 years and has too much time on his hands. He obsesses over slights and is very judgemental of other people without putting much expectation on himself. I am trying to get him to volunteer, I don’t think anyone got better by playing computer games and watching TV all day. I am back in my house at the moment but travelling back to his on Thursday. Its tricky with work but hopefully it will get easier. Its going to work or not, but I think I have to give this a try.
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Bump22, crumbs do I know just those thoughts and feelings you have expressed. I have a 22yr old son with mental health issues brought on by a drug induced psycohsis. Its absoluetly heart breaking to watch a my beautiful baby boy destroy himself.
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Ivy, I am so very sorry to hear about your son’s challenges. It sounds so difficult and painful for you and thank goodness he has you loving him still.
I’m on ‘holiday’ from work with a bit more time to think (have Covid just now). Been doing some reading on what other countries are doing, other than the UK, to try to improve illegal drug industry.
Addiction is a health condition and we’re still waiting for what they call ‘parity of esteem’ between physical health and mental health needs. Has anyone seen the advert (Scotland) with the woman on her own in her home crying as she’s struggling with a drug addiction problem and she’s saying ‘no one will want to help me cos I have a drug problem’? The message is that drug abuse is a health problem and that the person needs help and support.
Are you finding that there is help available for those who want help? Our local Unity team is poorly funded and can’t now offer acupuncture or ‘black box’ treatment. I know that it’s a big thing for a person to ask for help. Just think it’s important for the person to not feel negatively judged when he/she does ask for help.
My love and best wishes for peace and moments of joy for you and your loved ones. XX
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Hi to everyone on this thread
I have been supporting my son for many years with his binge drinking as you may know from previous posts
The last episode in November made me realise I had to be with him I really thought he was killing himself
I took him to his gp at his lowest
As I thought his actions were a form of self harm
He had servere gastric problems depression and alcohol withdrawal
He was skin and bone and unable to eat
It has taking months of caring for him to
Get him well physically
But finally I’m ready to go home
He has worked hard himself to get back to work albeit still from home
He is having counseling he’s joined some social groups put weight on
And actually seems interested in life again
If it will last only time can tell
My mental health and my relationship has suffered I felt I have been going mad these past months I’m tired look awful
Im no hero but I have done my absolute best
I going home tomorrow he has said he will come to me for Easter
I just wanted to share a “good “outcome ????
As we all know the despair these addictions bring
Love and prayers for all
Remember to try to take care of yourselves
Joanie 59
I will keep you updated
Xx
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That’s good news. Well done xx hope things slow down for you now and you get some peace
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Hi Joanie , thank you for sharing this news. You must be so pleased with your son’s progress and also relieved that you can return to some sort of normality again.
Keeping us and our sons in my thoughts and prayers always ????
Kate – I think of you often, sending you much love ❤️
Lx
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Thank you. We are getting along ok. Still miss my son everyday and sometimes it hits me hard. Wishing you all a peaceful Mother’s Day xx
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Hi Kate
Thank you for your kind words
I feel very nervous about going but I have to have my life back
Xx
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Hi lindyloo
Thank you
I just hope he will be ok
No guarantees of how things will go
But I am hopeful
Take care
Xx
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Hi Joanie- I’m so glad to hear that your son is doing better. You’ve given so much to see him to this place, and I hope that now you’ll be able to recuperate a bit. I pray your son stays the course- it sounds like he really is trying.
Kate- I hope that you are doing alright in your life too and that time will soften your grief. ????
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Hi Februarymarie
Thank you for your kind reply
I feel very uncertain about the future but at some point I have to trust him
I feel so grateful as it’s such a lottery
For us all
Anything can tip our adult children over the edge
Love to everyone
X
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Joanie, it’s really good news that you are home and your son is doing well. You’ve been amazing but it’s good you are back in your own home.
My son is in a flat about 80 miles away, he registered with services straight away and the signs are good but there’s loads to go wrong. I have been back with my partner and in the office for 6 days and will go back next week to see how he’s doing. I’m not getting my hopes up but having a bit of distance has been good.
I hope everyone has a peaceful Mother’s Day, it’s a pretty low bar when all we want is a drama free day.
Kate – I’m thinking of you x
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Happy Mother’s Day ladies ????❤️
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My son and I and my sister met for lunch the other day. He had been sober for a couple of weeks before that. The weekend before we met, I suspected he wasn’t because he didn’t respond to texts from me. He showed up for lunch and was very shaky- bad. I could smell alcohol on him and he was very teary-eyed and depressed. I just tried to stay upbeat.
I said let’s sit in my car for a bit because he seemed like he needed to talk. He hugged my sister good-bye and was shaking so bad he almost fell over.
He got in my car and instantly said he relapsed and had drank the night before. but that he had nothing to drink since then.
We just calmly talked about what he was going to do to try and get better. He started becoming agitated and had trouble talking and then he went in to a full on seizure in the front seat of my car. It was so scary. I just held him and talked calmly to him. It took him a while to even know where he was. I immediately took him to the ER because it was clear he was not going to be able to detox at home.
I spent the entire day with him at the ER and they kept him overnight. A person with addiction information came in and we talked with him for a very long time. My son did listen and he seemed like he really wants to try something. The addiction person said it’s harder to get in to full time rehab without having tried outpatient rehab first.
It’s been a few days since then. He did look over the materials and even stopped by to see where one of the places was, but as of today he hasn’t moved on anything. It’s so hard. This is the pattern when he gets sober. He gets very depressed and has so much guilt and then… well, we know.
Please pray for him and me too. I thought he was going to die right there in my arms. I hated to see that, but I was on my way to taking him to the bus stop and it might have happened on the bus. I’m feeling so sad at how serious his alcoholism has become and feeling incredibly helpless. I’m seeing him tomorrow because I need to see how he’s doing.
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Hi February Marie, I’ve just read your text with tears in my eyes.
I feel so sad that this has happened to your son and how
this evil addiction is affecting both your lives.
I can only agree with Joanie by saying that you love your son, you are caring and you can only do what you can do. We know that ultimately it’s down to them and the choices they make.
It must have been really upsetting and scary to see your son like that. I know my son has come very close to being like that when he was on his own and drinking and using. I pray every day that he continues to get
the strength to fight this battle with addiction.
I keep us all here in my thoughts and prayers daily.
Please look after yourself February, you too Joanie and stay strong.
Sending much love ❤️
Lx
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Hi FebruaryMarie
I feel your pain nobody really understands
The terrifying reality of alcoholism unless you have seen someone you love
In the throws of it
I have had many bad times in my life
But to see my son suffer this awful addiction has been by far the worse thing
I hope your son is feeling better when you see him to
The help is so hard to find I’m not sure where you live
But it’s seems difficult to get help anywhere
I hope he can come through this it’s
A nightmare
I will pray for him and you
I’ve been home 10 days now
But I’m very uneasy about my son being on his own he is coming to me for Easter
Im also praying for him
Love Joanie xx
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I understand Joanie. I fantasize that I could be with him every second so he can’t drink, and I’ll bet he’ll still find a way because it’s the way he copes with his problems. And what life would that be for me? I think you understand all too well.
Thank you for the prayers. We need them. ♥️
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Hi February Marie
You can’t be with him 24/7
I was with my son for 4 months
I still didn’t sleep listening out for every movement
Every time he went anywhere on his own
I felt sick with worry
It nearly cost me my relationship
So don’t beat yourself up about anything
You can only do what you can do
You are caring mum
Its the old thing that we all know they have to do it for themselves
Maybe you could see a dr or counselor to get some help for you
When I got home and looked at myself in the mirror I was shocked how frail I looked
I’m a little better now
You have to have a life
Lots of love
Joanie xx
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Sending strength to you February Marie, I’m not very good with words, but I understand what you’ve gone through and I hope he finds the strength to ride this big roller coaster wave ride this time, I hope he has the armour to fight through this new battle.
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Thank you ladies for your support and warm thoughts.
My son and I were going to meet today but he asked to postpone until tomorrow. He said he’s very depressed. Frankly, I am too.
I appreciate you all so much. My husband just worries about me and his solution would be to keep him out of my life, but I just can’t do that.
You’ve all followed my journey here, and the times my son and I don’t talk are just torture. Being in a place of anger just doesn’t work for me. I’ve come to a place where I want just want to love him how I can, when I can, and try and take care of myself somehow. Some family members don’t understand that.
I’m grateful for my faith. I place him in Jesus’ hands.
I’ll text you all know how tomorrow goes.
Love to all. ♥️
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Somehow it feels right for me to say love him whatever. I think that is the most important thing. We can’t change what they are or their choices or the outcome. I know how hard it is to watch. It’s so heartbreaking but you have to also care about you xxxx
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Hi everyone, my son canceled several times and then finally admitted that he had started drinking again. It’s hard not to be disappointed, but I do understand that he is addicted and this is the nature of alcoholism. It was just so soon and it makes me afraid for his health.
I stopped by his apartment yesterday to drop of some things and gave him some home cooked food. He got in the car and he wasn’t sober, so there were tears and guilt and the “whys”. He’s clearly in a tortured state and it was just heartbreaking. I just told him I loved him and to just keep trying. He said he tries every day and no one sees it. I told him that I’m sure that is true, but that I really want him to get external help as in counseling and support groups. He said he’s already trying to taper down to stop, but who really knows. I can’t imagine living the mental and physical torture he does every day.
It’s been tough on me and I’m aware that I need to take a breather and get back on my feet. I haven’t been feeling too good and my Rheumatoid Arthritis has been flared up, and my vocal chords have been flared up from reflux due to stress and I’ve been hoarse. So I’m just going to try and catch up on some rest.
And then Easter’s coming up and as usual we can’t all be together. My family is to a place that many of them would be fine with him coming, but I actually don’t think my son is ready to talk to that many people about himself. I asked him about it, and he agreed with me that it would be too much.
I hope that all your sons are doing alright, thinking of you all with love and prayers. ????
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Hi February Marie, I’ve been thinking about you and your son.
I’m glad that your spending time together with each other, no matter how hard it is.
You’re doing everything you can to support him, telling him he’s loved, feeding him.
I remember the last time my son relapsed, it was a real bad one. I’ve never seen him so bad, he asked me to bring beer as he needed to taper. I felt bad at first, but I understand a bit more about alcoholism and how they need to do this.
Fortunately for him, this was the beginning of his recovery. He had a real fright. He said, he needed to feel loved, had no energy, but as we were supplying his food daily- it built up strength gradually.
It’s so hard for them February Marie, and difficult for us to understand what they’re going through. They have to face their demons without drink, it’s a scary time for them. This is when they need to be so strong.
It was at this point my son started his AA and CA meetings again. The support from these guys is fantastic.
I hope and pray that your son finds this inner strength to fight this battle. Please look after yourself too my friend. I keep us all here in my daily thoughts and prayers.
Sending you much love ❤️
Lx
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Lindyloo- I’m encouraged to hear that your son saw the light with his bad relapse and started the process for his recovery. I do pray my son will do the same. He’s so up and down every day. Last night was the weird texts to the family, but at least now I know and just sort blew it off rather than let it get to me the way I used to.
Kate1- thank you for reminders to just love him. After all you’ve been through, I’ve really been listening to the things you say and I am in a place to just try and love him and let some of the anger go. You’re right about the choices and the outcome and that outcome could be that he doesn’t survive this. I need to love him so that no matter what happens to him, he will know that he is very loved by me.
I pray for a miracle. Sometimes I feel like I’m grieving him like he’s gone, because that’s how it feels sometimes and it’s hard to have hope, but I must because it’s all that I can do- and prayer of course.
Love to you both. ❤️
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I used to feel I had already lost my son and I had really and although you always expect the worst when it happens you’d give anything to have them back just not as they were. Just love him let him know he’s loved. Xxx
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Hi FebruaryMarie
I’m so sorry you are going through all this
I think Kate is right about loving him and
Letting him know he’s loved
Taking him food as well
And helping him to keep himself washed and have clean clothes
Giving some sign that he doesn’t have to live the way he is
I spent so many months being angry with my son
Every one used to say oh it’s his choice he only does it for attention
Why do you bother with him
Then the day I realised he was actually ill
And didn’t choose alcohol for pleasure but to stop the pain
I let the anger go and even defended his actions
It’s very early days for my son
I hope he comes home tomorrow for Easter
But there are no guarantees he will do the right thing I just pray he does
I hope you can look after yourself
It’s sound like you are at a low ebb
And why wouldn’t you be
It’s a living hell
Try not to lose hope
Love and hugs Joanie xx
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Thanks Joanie- I hope your son is able to join you all for Easter- that’s a good step and I hope it will feel good for him to be with his family.
You are right about the anger part and I certainly had that which you know since you read my story here.
I am at a low point mainly at just how serious it’s become and how he is suffering. I’m doing my best. ❤️
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Hi Kate
Your words are wise
You are so kind to find the time to say the things you do to us Mums going through
This madness
Thank you
Love Joanie xx
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When I read everyone’s posts it immediately takes me back to how my life was. It’s easy to forget when you are grieving but my life was hell it still is but in a different way. I think the point that’s easy to forget is when they have an addiction they have no choice it’s taken away. We can’t change it but it’s important that at least we don’t give up on them. Xx
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So true Kate- ❤️
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Hi JB3,
Thank you for your message. It was a wee while ago and hopefully you are fully recovered from covid. I don’t have a tv and sorry, but I haven’t seen the advert. I do know there is much bias, discrimination and stigma surrounding those who realise they may have a problem with addiction and these issues can more often than not make the individual too frightened to seek help. This in itself is beyond sad as an earlier intervention is easier when assisting a person seeking recovery. However, in the current system I still don’t think enough help is available at any stage for people fighting addiction. There will always be room for improvements , but more people are becoming more aware of the problem and hopefully this awareness will end some of the stigma.
I believe that any individual who has a drug problem should be encouraged to seek help. There is help available here in Scotland, but it is badly organised. For example a Heroin addict can be prescribed methadone as a substitute opioid that staves off withdrawals enabling them to level out and make changes to their health and eventually move on to a better path. Unfortunately this in itself isn’t enough. They can’t just suddenly get well, go out to work meet new friends, acquire an education and rejoin society as a productive individual. They are stuck in the same community and left to get on with it. Acquiring an actual substitute ‘ script ‘ in itself is no easy task. The person seeking recovery is made to jump through hoops. Please feel free to read previous posts of mine that detail my own experiences on trying to help my son receive Medication Assisted Treatment.
To receive their script the person seeking help has to go to a designated chemist every day and the substitute is administrated under supervision. This service is usually not available over the weekend which means a two day supply is given to take away. This makes the person in recovery vulnerable to use again as it takes years to conquer addiction and temptation often overtakes their desire to stay clean, especially at the beginning of treatment, often resulting with the two day supply being sold or swapped for heroin or other drugs. The addict begins to withdraw and the emotions of shame, failure etc kick in and the cycle begins again.
The reason I think substitution therapy has a low success rate is because the person seeking help often lives in poor housing or hostels with nothing to occupy their time and with no where to go. A long term drug user usually has other underlying conditions such as HepC, HIV and mental health issues and is unable to function very well. Their self esteem is very low and their new reality i.e. staying clean is dogged by isolation, poverty, loneliness and the community they belong to which is riddled with crime and violence. They are often stigmatised by the public, the police, the health service and social services. There is much bias. It is easy for the afore mentioned to show empathy and say the right things, but actions speak louder than words and everyone knows the system isn’t working. Individuals seeking recovery can’t just suddenly get well, go out to work or meet new friends. These things take a long time. They are stuck in the same community and left to get on with it.
I know there is AA, NA , etc and many more support systems available, but your average street poly user doesn’t quite fit in there. I respect that these institutes do good work, but also do not have a high success rate and the fear of complete abstinence stops many from using these facilities at the beginning of their recovery. Complete abstinence is best but not always possible with the first steps of recovery. Even severe alcoholism needs to be medically supervised if the problem is extreme.
Relapse can also be seen as a problem. Statistics show that relapse is inevitable on the road to recovery but relapse is seen by many as a weakness and rather than be supported through a relapse ; possibly the most crucial time on the road to recovery, the recovering addict is instantly kicked off a program or shunned by some support groups, family etc.
Any moves forward with “parity of esteem ‘ can only do good. In combination with MAT for the physical symptoms : support with a persons mental health is imperative. My opinion has changed over the years and currently I think MAT and parity is the way ahead for recovery. I think there should be a reclassification of drugs. Harsh as this sounds, l also think that the sale of drugs should be illegal and the law should come down hard on dealers, even those who only deal to enable their own supply. Rather than go to prison there should be a rehabilitation route where the individual can choose in-house recovery and rehabilitation whilst serving their sentence . Where they could receive MAT, psychological sessions and ongoing support when entering back into the community should they choose that option. Obviously this wouldn’t be suitable for all people who have committed a crime, but for people where there crimes are related to their drug addiction. I actually don’t like to use the word ‘crime’ here as many people end up in prisons due to the lifestyle addiction can lead to.
I urge you to watch the documentary “ Seattle is Dying “ on you tube, this explains what I mean about rehab much better than I am. It is a long gruelling watch, but near the end the work of health care providers who facilitate and run (think they are called CODAK centres – might be wrong spelling) is highlighted and it seems to work. There is a lot to be learned here.
My son is still in hospital and life is sometimes very difficult for him but he is trying. Its been around eight months since his accident and things are different though still tough. I have taken him out a few times and it’s a new way of living! I don’t expect anyone really ends up with the life they had hoped for. Still, I keep trying to make things better every day , even the ones that are spent in bed as there is so much I still can’t face. Things are easier in the sense that I know he is safe for now although he will have to leave hospital at some point and I am not sure how we will fare. In the meantime we are finding joy in the simple things, cooking lunch, watching films and maybe a walk round the park sometime soon stopping for a coffee and some people watching.
Hoping everyone is doing okay and is having a pleasant Easter holiday.
Love
Ivy
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Ivy- what a very powerful message you have shared. It’s very real and we as the loved ones know all of it all too well. You are so right about the stigma placed on addicts. I must say I myself, have had some of those emotions at times when I’m frustrated. It’s such a complex problem that doesn’t seem to have a clear definitive answer in the psychiatric and medical community. And if they can’t figure it out, how are we as family members supposed to?
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Exactly!
I too remain in the dark, but I won’t give up hope or the fight for their human rights.
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Ivy, its good to hear from you and to know that your son is making progress. I have thought about both of you so often. Life sounds very tough, as you say, not many people end up with the life they hope for, but this must be very hard for you. Its good, as you say, knowing that your son is not roaming the streets at night, driven to putting himself in danger in order to buy drugs, must give you a degree of peace. Its also good that you can take him out of hospital for time together, that must help him so much, in having time with you doing normal things.
My son has moved back to the city that he was in before lockdown, and he is getting back with the friendship group that he had before drugs. My situation is now a bit like Jeanie’s, in that there is progress while I am here. Yesterday he went to a Smart recovery meeting, while I sat in a cafe nearby doing my work. He has an appointment with addiction services on Monday, so I will definitely stay to make sure that he goes. Over the bank holiday I wasn’t here, my partner and I were just about to go into a restaurant when I got a call begging for money and saying that he would kill himself if he couldn’t get heroin and stop withdrawing. It was awful, he was screaming at me, and completely out of his head. I have been here since then. I know that he wants to engage fully with services and start on a methadone script but I am concerned that in the back of his find he’s just trying to make heroin more economically viable. He has cut down a little bit recently but when I came back from being away there were empty bottles of spirits as well, so he is definitely substituting.
I watched the youtube video about Seattle, having lived with a heroin addict I can see how there is so much mess everywhere. I think in America their medical system has created a lot of their current opiate epidemic. Their doctors were financially motivated to prescribe Oxycontin and similar drugs, so many ordinary people that would never have tried street heroin became addicted, with the prescriptions being withdrawn if you went back to your doctor to tell them that you were developing an addiction – forcing so many then to find drugs on the street or dark web, ending up on heroin/fentanyl. I don’t think anyone has gone to prison over this scandal – from the pill prescribers to the pharmaceutical companies. It makes me so angry, even kids going to doctors with sports injuries got caught up in this. Sorry, I’ve gone off topic, but I believe this is why so many towns in America, especially in the rust belt are going through this.
The Codak centres look very positive in supporting addicts coming out of prison. I have no idea what would motivate someone who has lost everything and only has a friendship group of users, to get clean. It looks like an impossible task, and as you say, with only the hope of low grade accommodation and a horrible job, if you’re lucky. It takes so many people being on the side of the addict, providing support for them to have the will to make the changes and stay on track.
Sorry for rambling on, I hope things continue to improve and that your son can leave hospital soon.
I hope that everyone else is doing okay and has some peace in their lives.
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Hi Jem- it sounds like things have been up and down for you. It’s definitely not easy.
A friend mentioned to me that she had heard about Ketamine for alcoholism. I know absolutely nothing about it. My son has had pretty significant depression since high school and he has pretty severe anxiety. Looking back, he’s always had anxiety even as a little boy. I’m pretty sure he doesn’t have ADD.
I just don’t know enough about Ketamine. I seem to recall that some of you have mentioned it with your sons. Can anyone share with me their experience and if they think it’s something worth trying before I mention anything to him?
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Hi FebruaryMarie
I hope you and your son are doing okay. I have just been on the Famanon site and read the open letter to family. I find it helpful, it reminds me of everything I get wrong and how to try and do things differently.
You mentioned Ketamine, I know a little but not much. Its a psychedelic which is popular as a party drug, my son used it to put himself to sleep during heroin withdrawal. It is addictive and illegal to take recreationally in the UK, but it does look like there have been positive results from small medical trials using it to reduce alcohol abuse. It did say the trial involved heavy drinkers but not drinkers that are in treatment for alcoholism. You can google it and read for yourself but it seemed to be saying they were given a one-off or very few doses of it and that those in the trial that had been given ketamine reduced their drinking over a period of weeks by themselves. The researchers say that there needs to be further trials with more people being studied. It’s probably something to keep your eye on. There is a lot of work at the moment around psychedelics and ptsd/depression. In other countries it’s a legitimate treatment for getting off opiates, but has to be administered by an accredited clinic. My son looked at ibogaine treatment but his liver function test wasn’t good enough for him to be accepted for treatment in Portugal. I’m not sure how psychedelics work with addiction, maybe they shake up compulsive behaviour.
I wrote another post to you last night which didn’t make it on to the site, probably because I included links to the research.
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Thank you Jem. I have been reading about it a bit online. The addictive part is what concerns me, that’s why I thought I’d ask if any of you ladies had experience with it. His psychiatrist has not suggested it to him which makes me think she doesn’t see it as an option. How is wish it were as simple as a pill!
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Hi everyone
It’s seems the addiction services are not great wherever you live Mums seem to bare the brunt of trying to keep our children as ok as they can be
I have being struggling
My son came home for Easter
We had a lovely family meal with my other son and his family
However the day after my partner tested positive for Covid
My son decided to go home as he needed to back at work and didn’t want to travel if he too got Covid
That was Easter Sunday
I got it on the Monday and so did my son
He wasn’t too bad and was able to work from home
We spoke everyday and he seemed fine until the Friday
He finished work early he rang me and I knew this was it he was going to start a session of drinking
He probably had already his attitude had changed he was so cocky and dismissive
My other son who is asthmatic and got Covid and his wife
My son said oh I can only worry about myself
He said he would ring me the next day
He didn’t
I couldn’t get hold of him all day
I text him had nothing back
He rang me at 6 totally drunk
I was already feeling so poorly
In bed
I just said ring me when you are sober
His mobile was out of battery on the Sunday
I spent the day ringing his land line
Finally he answered he couldn’t speak
Just groaning down the phone
He must have knocked the landline off so after that it was continually engaged
I decided to ask the police to do a welfare check they refused
He has had breathing problem in the past
And pneumonia so drink with Covid
Really worried me
I called an ambulance about 7 pm
Hadn’t heard by midnight so re rang them
I was still trying the landline and finally
Got through to him
He was sober but didn’t know what day it was
He said he was ok and asked me to cancel the ambulance this was now 2 am
My phone was ringing at 8 he said he was in hospital with breathing problems
He said oh it’s all down to the Covid
Which it isn’t it’s him lying in bed drunk for 48 hours
I cannot bring myself to speak to him
He’s phoned his boss and daughter to say the Covid has put him in hospital
All out for the sympathy vote
Me I’m still in bed poorly
So I feel like I’m back to square. 1
I can’t go on with this
I suppose it’s a bump in the road but I’m at my wits end
Love to all
Joanie ????????????️ X
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Joanie- I am so very sorry to hear this. After all you went through to try and get him past this. I can only hope that this is just a temporary relapse for your son. I just don’t understand the mind of an addict, how they can come so far and then go back to the very thing that is ruining their life. I guess I’ll never know or understand it fully. The pull inside their brain must be so strong, and of course, it’s a pattern and behavior for coping with things that is so ingrained, that they go right to it- at least my son does.
My son has been all over the place. He’s been trying to wean/taper and it didn’t work, so he ended up at the hospital again yesterday morning. The tapering is such a terrible idea anyway because how can you expect an alcoholic to moderate their drinking when every other time they can’t? My son is on the state medical care so it’s basically free when he does these hospital visits. If he had private insurance or no insurance, he’d probably not go and would probably have passed away by now from withdrawal. I admire the ER nurses/doctors who see this over and over again and have to be professional and caring.
My week after Easter was bad too. I knew my son was doing bad. He texted me that his phone wasn’t working and that it was about to die and wouldn’t charge. On Monday, I said I would take him to the Apple store. I went by his place and he texted me to cancel. I went up and knocked on his door and he was a drunken mess and so was his apartment. He cried and just looked awful. He’s so skinny. He’s down about 35 pounds from last year. He said he doesn’t eat. I have brought him food and some was still in his refrigerator. I messed with his phone a bit and it had blood on it and that’s why it wouldn’t charge. He didn’t know where the blood came from, he said maybe he had a bloody nose. He couldn’t seem to figure out his phone on his own- his critical thinking skills are zero. I brought him more food a few days later and when he came down to the car, he was so weak he could barely walk. That was Friday and by Sunday morning he went to the hospital. I was relieved for about a second, because this is the madness of it. I’ve spent the last few days very depressed and teary. I feel like I’m watching him die and I can do nothing.
I’m sorry that you all got Covid. I can’t believe I haven’t gotten it yet- knock on wood. It’s coming for all of us at some point.
Joanie, I hope you can get some rest and take care of yourself while you are sick. The brain never rests though does it? You are good mom and have done so much for your son. This is on him.
I often feel very alone in all this. How does your partner feel about all this? How does his brother feel about this?
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Hi Februarymarie
Thank you for your reply
We are all in the same leaky boat I think
I’m so sorry you are feeling alone at least you can say it out loud on this forum
It’s the helplessness knowing if the stop they will be better but they won’t
Your right they just go back to what they know which to us seems ridiculous why would anyone what to be so poorly
My son struggles with food when he’s drinking but soon eats when he stops drinking
All you can do is take him food and hope he can eat
Im glad he has some medical care
But tapper the drinking seems a difficult thing to do
My son always goes cold turkey which is bad the shaking the retching is frightening to watch
They are such enigmas so strong willed and so fragile
My other son doesn’t really bother with his brother he just worry’s he will take me down with him
He accepts that his brother is mentally ill
He has 3 boys a job and helps his wife run her dog grooming business
My partner is so good but wants us to have a life
So it is lonely
My son is relishing all the attention in the hospital
Having chest x rays and a Ct scan
All under the guise of Covid
God help the NHS
He said he had dye in his lung to check their function
I said to him you were fine on Friday
It’s the excessive alcohol that had done it
He believes is own BS
He only remember to ask how I was late on today …. Short of breath and coughing
At least I can’t travel
Please take care
Love and hugs Joanie xx
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Hi Februarymarie
How are you
I hope your son is doing ok
I was concerned when you said you were feeling alone and upset
I know you have been through so much
And how hard it is to watch your son
Getting thin and not eating
Try not to let the dark thoughts in
I know I fear what will happen and what the future holds
But they hold all the cards
you are doing all you can to help him
I pray that they will see sense
Please take care of yourself
Joanie ???? x
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Thanks for reaching out Joanie! I’m doing better. I do often feel alone because no one close to me is in the same place emotionally as I am. They just want to act like he doesn’t exist. Unfortunately that makes him worse. Yet, I understand where they are coming from because the same thing goes on and on. It does take a lot of patience to continue supporting them when the story goes the same. My sister is very supportive, but I don’t want to burn her out so I don’t always talk about it so that our relationship is more multi-faceted.
My son has been doing better the last couple of days, so that helps the stress level go down a notch or two.
I, too pray that they will see some sense. I know that my son wants to stop drinking- he tells me he does. I just really want him to get some therapy of some kind. He absolutely needs someone who can help with him the mental part of staying sober and not going back to what he knows to cope.
How is your son? Is he still in the hospital?
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Hi Februarymarie
Glad you son is doing a little better
It’s draining I’m still testing positive for Covid which doesn’t help
My son is on a Covid ward now he sounds poorly
The hospital is good he’s had many tests
He’s on 3 antibiotics via an iv
He is having a nebuliser he’s had an ecg
And possibly a heart scan today
I’m struggling to speak to him because I’m very angry with him
I’m at peace because I know he can’t do anything stupid but they will discharge him at some point and the madness will begin again
I’m glad your sister is supportive
Take care
Love Joanie x
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Hi Joanie- it sounds like your son is currently having some issues with his Covid. I don’t think he would still be in the hospital. When my son had Covid, he was also detoxing and they determined that his Covid wasn’t bad enough to keep him, so they detoxed him and sent him home.
I completely understand the anger. And it’s so very hard because there really is nowhere to put that anger in our position. Our sons have an addiction, so it’s pointless to lash out at them. And it doesn’t even help. Although I must say, there is a part of me that has anger for that small moment when they are currently sober and they take that terrible step to go out and get some alcohol. I’ll just never understand.
You can vent your anger to me anytime. I totally get it. Please keep resting so you can get your strength back since our lives are so unpredictable sometimes.
Hugs ????
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Hello all. It’s so exhausting, the endless worry and the ups and downs.
Jeanie, I really hope your son is recovering from Covid and I’m glad he’s being well looked after. Hope you feel better soon Jeanie too.
My son split up with his partner recently and he now hasn’t seen his 16-month old beautiful wee daughter for several weeks. On Emmerdale this evening, they featured how impossible it can feel for the recovering addict to feel accepted, to shake off their reputation. And the character ‘Jay’ said ‘the person you love should help you feel better about yourself’.
It must feel so hard for an addict because self-esteem must be low.
M youngest son has moved back in with us – with his brother and me. At least I know where he is just now. But blimey, I feel like we’re treading water…if we’re lucky.
And yes, it feels lonely. I’m really glad his brother is around, he’s supportive…tho he has been part of his younger brother’s problems over the years.
Really feel for you all and wish you strength and good luck, lots of good luck, also for your loved ones who are struggling. Do we all need a seed of self-belief that we can nurture? Then the seed is tended and gradually…it grows.
With love, JB3
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Hi all, I’ve been reading everyone’s stories and wanted to know that I’m thinking and praying for us all here.
Please look after yourselves Joanie, February Marie, Jem and Ivy. It’s physically and mentally draining having a loved one with addiction, moreso your child.
We can only be there for them whether they’re still using, relapsed or in recovery. They still need to know we love them unconditionally, no matter how hard it is for us. Our boys are still there through the torment they are going through.
My son is still doing well thankfully, but his anxiety and ocd is up and down at the moment. I guess all the years of alcohol and cocaine has messed around with his head . But I thank God he’s come through the worst of it.
Please stay strong and know that I’m thinking of you and sending hugs and prayers ❤️
Lxx
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P.S. welcome to the thread JB3 thank you for sharing your story with us.
Lx
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Thank you everyone! We are all stronger together….❤️❤️❤️
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Hi Februarymarie
Yes I feel stronger with the support on this thread I think we all do
Hearing all the problems puts things in perspective we are all on this journey
Its a rollercoaster
My son is back at home now I can’t be with him as I’m still suffering with this Covid I’m testing negative but still have a hacking cough and feel rough
Plus I have a mammogram apt on Thursday
It might be for the best to let him manage himself
He only tells me what I want to hear so I haven’t got a clue how he is really
Will keep you updated
Lindyloo so glad you son is doing well
It gives me hope
Love and hugs
Joanie x
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Hi everyone
How are you all doing
I’m nearly over Covid still coughing a little
But feeling better
My son is ok I think I’m trying not to have too much contact with him
But he seems ok
Hope all your adult children are doing better
Love Joanie ???? x
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Hi Joanie- it’s nice to hear from you. It has been quiet on the forum, which hopefully means good things. I’m glad you’re staying back a bit from your son just so you can rest since we never know what around the corner.
My son has been sober for a few weeks now- every day is something, but who knows? I’m trying to do the same. I’m trying to use this time to replenish my reserves.
I hope everyone and their sons are managing ok.
Love to all! ❤️
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Hi Joanie ,
Good to hear from you!
I’m glad that you’re feeling better after covid- still take it easy though.
I think you are wise to take a step back for the moment enjoy the peace and quiet.
I’ve been keeping us every day in my prayers, our boys need help whatever stage they’re in with their addiction.
Look after yourself Joanie
Sending hugs ❤️
Lx
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Hello Everyone, I haven’t signed in for a while but have read your stories and experiences that ring so true to me. Some of you will know that I am estranged from my son after several years of torment and pain caused by addiction. I gain support from being part of this forum and am pleased that others too. As we all know, only those who are caught up in the true horror of addiction
and it’s consequences can truly appreciate the nightmare of it all. I can empathise with so many of your experiences. Just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you all. Best wishes, love, hope and strength
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Hi nannyger- it’s nice to hear from you! It sounds like you are plugging along as best as you can, and aren’t we all?
Thank you for the prayers, you’re in mine too. ????
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Hi all hope everyone and your lads are doing as well as can be expected.
I’m just making the thread more current so that Weegem can access it. Her son has cocaine addictions and is seeking advice and support.
Sending hugs to you all ❤️
Lx
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Hi x
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Can u advice me please im lost wat to do my son has cocaine addiction n I dnt no wat to do . X
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Hi Weegem- I’m also glad you found this thread. Dealing with a loved one who has an addiction is so consuming and very isolating. This is a wonderful group of people who truly understand the absolute despair, fear and anxiety of dealing with this. There is a strength in not feeling alone. No one here judges or has all the answers, but they have compassion and total understanding and that means so much.
Lindyloo is right, as hard as it is, please try and be kind to yourself. Seek out therapy if you can, read everything you can, pray if you choose to, and stick with us here.
Sending you a big hug. ????
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Hi weegem, I’m glad you found the Theresa thread.
The mums here are all very supportive and understanding. No one judges, if you need to vent or seek advice.
I would still Google the Icarus Trust or Drugfam as they help families who have loved ones with addictions.
It’s a rollercoaster ride living with someone with addictions. You need to look after yourself and your mental health. You need to be strong to get through it.
Just wanted you to know that there’s no need to be alone in this nightmare of addiction.
Take care of yourself Weegem
Lindyloo xx
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Thank u so much I am meeting someone end o week to help with my worry and fear x
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So pleased you found the thread the ladies are lovely x
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Hi my son has stopped group meeting but sees his 1 2 1 but I’d rather he stayed at both
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Hi Weegem
Welcome to this thread
I’ve found great comfort in this forum
It’s a safe place to voice how upset you are and also to hear how other mums are coping
My son is an alcoholic but my granddaughters husband has been a cocaine addict
He started in lockdown it was totally out of character especially as they had just had a baby
She through him out after discovering he was using and having it delivered to the house and also having an affair with a girl
Who was also taking cocaine
It’s a terrible thing I hope your son can get help
Please look after yourself the stress can really take it’s toll
Love Joanie
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Hi thank you I hope you doing ok also my friend thats horrible he even,had affair n getting stuff delivered to house thats bad but hope they find peace and help threw this iys no nice when you feel alone and like your the only one going threw it x
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Welcome to this part of the forum. I post very occasionally as frankly I am not very good with words and am just learning how to deal with episodes as they crop up. When I first found out my son was taking heroin and crack cocaine I’ve found it absolutely and utterly devastating, a terrible black hole and if I’m honest shook me to my core. Everything that had historically happened sort of made sense and was text book drugs just getting worse and worse and worse. When it came out in the open all hell broke loose, but it also bonded close family members together also. We have become a protector group – we communicate when money is asked for, we confirm facts and check up on his welfare, we know when he is AWOL, we know when he has taken drugs and fallen off the wagon. It happens about every two to three months at the mo, we have learnt to deal with the ‘big dips’ and try to ‘coast the big waves’. He now knows that he can also get back to a sort of normal after these glitches, he knows there will be many more glitches in his life, he knows the tools to help him and we, as his family know that a lot is up to him, it’s his life and it’s his choice. We do love him and he also knows that, but we also have our lives to live and lead. We deal with it, like we have to deal with everything in life – good or bad. I’ve told certain family members and talk matter of factly, i break down if I’ve had a drink, I’m so light weight it’s not that often! I hope he gives up one of these days. My dark days are more…..dark brown these days. Look after yourself during the Storm, look after him. Wishing u kindness, and hope and know we all are in the same boat. Halo xx
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Hi im not sure how to help my son or get him to go to more meetings its killing me seeing him so down xx
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Everyone has there own helping and coping strategies. I’ve found in my experience you can’t make him do anything, but you can suggest and lead, let him know the strategies that will help him if he wants. We’ve helped him in the past and I now know that didn’t help him at all, it ‘enabled’ his habit and put people in over 20k worth of debt – out of our pockets and into the pockets of drug dealers. That was a mistake I wish we never did, but you can’t go back but we can learn. He manipulates and lies all the time when he is on drugs, there is no truth so we have had to really delve and communicate with family members and collaborate what he has said to everyone. It’s the drugs and not my son, I love my son it not the drugs and refuse to give any more money to drug dealers. I feel with this strategy it is working – my son knows he will get absolutely no money for drugs from anyone, we give him food vouchers and help with his phone and that is it. He has a roof over his head and if he loses that it’s his choice. We have dealt with police, hospitals, fights and violence and have managed to come out of it exhausted and emotionally challenged but we are all alive. His blips have made me think of his suicide or prison and these have made my thoughts very very very black. I’ve been on this site at my wit’s end and people stories give me strength in a way I can’t explain. Look after yourself and find your own strategy. Xx
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Contact the Icarus trust and all of the helplines from this site. I’m hoping for you and your son at this very trying and horrible time. Xx
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Hi. I need advice please. i have recently found out my son has been injecting heroine. Devastated doesn’t being to explain it. He doesnt live with me. He has no money, has sold everything he owns, a huge overdraft and now i have found out he has been stealing. I pay for his mobile phone and have been buying all of his food. Should I now stop providing him with food as at the moment he can just plod along being fed and just lying about in his room until he decides to try and steal something. He will be getting his benefit next week so will not feeding him force him to spend his money on necessities?
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Jeezo that mad he is injection id still provide food but no more does he live on his own ..
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Sorry I have been so quiet.
Weegem such a horrid situation for you.
I wld say do anything you can to stop enabling him.
But it’s easier said than done.
So hard .
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Sorry I have been so quiet.
Weegem such a horrid situation for you.
I wld say do anything you can to stop enabling him.
But it’s easier said than done.
So hard .
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Hello Bump yes it is so hard I cant keep giving in with money i have to try break the cycle or it will just keep on going I hate not being able to help but at times he has been caught out after saying his anxiety threw roof cant go out but I no he has been places as in meetings with care worker or out at shop or chemist for his meds so he is not stuck inside unable to go out but telling me this to make me feel guilty …
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Hi Everyone and an especially warm welcome to the recent joiners to this forum where comfort and support can be obtained from each other in the nightmare of addiction and all the horrors that includes. The questions re what to do to continue enabling; ie buying , giving money, paying bailiffs, getting out loans, paying off thousands in backdated rent??? I have been there and done it and it made no difference in the longer term. I desperately wanted my son to not be on the streets and have food and warmth, something that you will all understand. There are no easy answers and no one solution to all. The nightmare of my son’s addiction has meant prison, restraining orders, child protection meetings and he has lost the opportunity to be an integral part of his children’s lives. As his mother, that hurts to the core. I made a decision to cut my son out of my life in the hope that that might help him address the problems and that was after decades of living with the horrors of addiction. Part of me regrets not doing this sooner; would that have prevented the current situation re being apart from his children which I know breaks his heart? As so many of us have said, there are no easy answers . It is so important to take care of ourselves. My son’s addiction was destroying me and I live with the permanent sadness of it all. But what to do? Carry on and take care of ourselves. I send love and hope to you all
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Hi nanny ger
Your post made me cry
And I don’t cry
Yours words and thoughts are heart breaking
We walk the tightrope of what we are prepared to do and what we know isn’t doing any good
We go on hoping things will improve but deep down we know it’s an impossible situation
There isn’t much help for addicts let alone the families
I feel in total limbo not able to more forward waiting for the next crisis
I hope you can find some peace
And that you are looking after yourself
Love Joanie x x
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It really is a awful situation for everyone involved.
I think for me just trying to find some peace in it all has been hard. The hardest bit is how my younger sons friendships have been affected.
I am in half term a time when my youngest shld be having lots of play dates but we have been ostracized by the mums and as a result my son is being left out.
I made a mistake in a..moment of weakness in confiding ro a mum who I thought was a friend but how wrong i was…the judgy mums at the school gates are something else.
Its heart breaking that his older brothers issues has impacted him so much even though we kicked our oldest out and my young son has no idea about his addiction as we protected him from it all.
As for my eldest hes been clean for 3 mnths and has moved this week from the rehab I got him into and now in a dry house.
Obviously I am pleased hes clean at present but he still has no respect for us and I’m sick of how he speaks to me ..blocks my calls is rude and confrontational unless he needs help with .money or something.
I’m not going to lie I dont like my son. How hes affected us all and how he still treats us even when clean is so appalling that I cant bear to be in his company as I feel bullied by him.
I know he resents me for kicking him out but I dont have any regrets.
I protected the rest of us and also feel it pushed him to rock bottom.
He doesnt appreciate the days of hunting around to get him that rehab..he just sees it as me his mum abandoning him.
I hate saying this but maybe others feel the same but with or without drugs my son is selfish.
Hes only once ever bought me a present or card same as his stepdad and everything in life is all about him.
I dont know maybe that’s just my son and the rest of ypurs are lovely personality without the drugs.
Everyone in here imo deserves to put themselves first.
We can assist our addicts in other ways like giving them information to access help but spend that mnths rent they havnt paid on yourself or your other kids or grandchildren where it is money better spent.
A guy who gave a talk I went to said and who ran a rehab said take away all u do to enable them that’s the best you can do.
I know that alot of their issues is rooted in mental health and I’ve even given my son access to help but he wldnt engage..ypu can lead a horse…..
I know that I am fortunat that at present my son is clean and I know when he wasnt how I wld have given anything to get to that place but now.im here I still feel the weight of another relapse hanging over me and feel so low about how I’ve had to live the last 8 yrs. The consequences are far reaching ..my mental health my husband and now even my younger sons.
I shldnt have had to been through and seen the things I have. I’m a good law abiding person and my life was never like this.
Anyway sorry for putting this all down on this forum sometimes it helps to put your feelings in writing.
Hang on in there ladies and do what you can to live a happy life.
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Joanie 59 and Bump 22 and everyone else. Good to hear from you.
Bump 22, don’t beat yourself up about confiding in someone who you perceived as a friend at the school gates. Confiding in someone always involves a risk and experience has taught me that there are are truly kind people out there too, Your school gate mums’ behaviours says alot about them and as hard as it is, you need to detach and take care of yourself. Young children are very adaptable and will make friends wherever they go (parks etc). Please try not to dwell too much on this. I continue to seek solace from my ‘higher power’, a coping strategy. I am also involved in my son’s childrens lives which brings me joy.
Yes, the shared experiences of us all unite us; all similar stories and emotions.
I hope you gain some solace from the nightmare of it all through this forum.
Take care of yourselves
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Bump22 ‘I hate saying this but maybe others feel the same but with or without drugs my son is selfish.’
That, I have come to the conclusion, is actually the root cause of addiction. They want it so they are going to take it, whether it be drugs or alcohol. They choose it time and time again over everything. My son isn’t just selfish, he is a full blown narcissist who has left a wake of destruction in his path. I too dislike my son. He has had issues with drugs for over 25 years now. He has had so many opportunities to turn this around. For example he recently bought a car, he somehow got £10,000 from somewhere to buy it, he said he needed a reward for himself for staying clean for just four weeks, he didn’t spend a penny on back maintenance, clear his mortgage debt etc or book into a rehab, he bought a car that he wasn’t permitted to drive which has now been taken off him by the police and blames everyone else, I am just thankful that he didn’t kill anyone in that car.
I have a friend who is a psychiatrist who once said to me, ‘Penny you smoke (I don’t anymore) nicotine addiction is one of the hardest habits to break, nobody says you have an illness or treats you with kid gloves, they tell you to stop and offer alternatives to help you stop. Drug and alcohol abuse ultimately come down to choice and will power.’ I have banked that as when I stood back and extricated myself from the emotion, ultimately it has always been about his choice to do what he wants when he wants. He could stay clean if he just continued with the support networks I found for him. He chooses not to.
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Hi Bump
Maybe you could join your children is something away from school
People can be so smug with their “perfect” lives and definitely judgy
I’m sick of family and friends telling what I should do about my son
They have no idea of the stress we are under
I have said many times I don’t like my son sober or drunk and it’s true I wouldnt choose to have him in my life if he wasn’t my son
He’s just basically not a nice person he has no empathy
I offered to go down this bank holiday
And he point blank said he didn’t want be there
Considering we had been with him for best part of 4 months at the beginning of the year
I thought this was pretty cold
It will be a danger point for him as he won’t be working and probably won’t see anyone
I only have his best interests at heart
My partner is away playing golf I said I didn’t want to be on my own
He said oh get his brother to come round !
Anyway I’ve told him if there’s any drinking I won’t be happy
Not that he cares
So I’ve taking my youngest grandson out to the cinema and Pizza Hut
It’s Groundhog Day I want to go on holiday but I’m stuck in this trap with him calling all the shots
He is manipulative and I can’t break the cycle
I glad you shared your thoughts on this forum it really does help
Try to do something with your children this bank holiday if you can
Take care
And don’t give up
Well I know that isn’t an option because we don’t
Love and hugs Joanie x x
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Bump22 ‘I hate saying this but maybe others feel the same but with or without drugs my son is selfish.’
That, I have come to the conclusion, is actually the root cause of addiction. They want it so they are going to take it, whether it be drugs or alcohol. They choose it time and time again over everything. My son isn’t just selfish, he is a full blown narcissist who has left a wake of destruction in his path. I too dislike my son. He has had issues with drugs for over 25 years now. He has had so many opportunities to turn this around. For example he recently bought a car, he somehow got £10,000 from somewhere to buy it, he said he needed a reward for himself for staying clean for just four weeks, he didn’t spend a penny on back maintenance, clear his mortgage debt etc or book into a rehab, he bought a car that he wasn’t permitted to drive which has now been taken off him by the police and blames everyone else, I am just thankful that he didn’t kill anyone in that car.
I have a friend who is a psychiatrist who once said to me, ‘Penny you smoke (I don’t anymore) nicotine addiction is one of the hardest habits to break, nobody says you have an illness or treats you with kid gloves, they tell you to stop and offer alternatives to help you stop. Drug and alcohol abuse ultimately come down to choice and will power.’
I have banked that as when I stood back and extricated myself from the emotion, ultimately it has always been about his choice to do what he wants when he wants. He could stay clean if he just continued with the support networks I found for him. He chooses not to.
As a child of addicts I knew to be very careful around any substance and chose not to ever use alcohol or drugs to numb and faced into all my problems over the years. It was hard, but having had children myself I knew what that would have meant for them. I think my psych friend who practises in another country is probably spot on with his attitude. He maintains tough love works better and has shown me case studies that prove that is is more successful.
Lots of people have had terrible upbringings or had awful things happen to them, they are not all addicts, the ones that are seem to have played victim their whole lives long before any addictive behaviours came to the fore and maybe the key is to intervene when they are young and stop the self absorption before that becomes the excuse to drink or take drugs.
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Sorry for glitch my post went up twice.
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Hi there I am so gutted now thinking my son is helping himself and trying to sort put his life obviously I was wrong now not going to his group meetings but is going to his care worker as far as I no he has now no job because of his actions maybe in a way its a good thing or not him hitting tick bottom but it could go the other way and make him depressed more to turn more to his addiction to cover up or make himself feel better snt no hiw to help …
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You have to let him do it for himself, it isn’t until they realise that there is nothing other than addressing their own problems via professional help that there is any chance of them coming through this. Don’t beat yourself up, he has to do it for himself. X
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Hi ladies- my heart goes out to all of you for the terrible position we are all in. I hear the pain and anguish, the anger, the fear. The enabling part is a very fine line. I’ve struggled with it myself. But I do know that too much enabling does prolong things for sure.
Taking care of ourselves is critical- it’s so all consuming. My sister and I are only 15 months apart (I’m the younger of us), and you can see the toll that life has taken on me compared to her.
Addiction is very complicated. Addiction by nature, makes them selfish people and they can’t see that at all. I happen to believe that addiction is multi-dimensional. I think that there is some choice in there, and yet, they become physically and mentally addicted and that overtakes choice at times. I think they are emotionally empty and have trouble coping. So it’s no wonder that they need so many different types of help and often don’t get that help or don’t want it.
My son happens to be a very nice and kind man when he is sober, but he is mean when he drinks. And I’ve told him, when you’re like that, I’m out for a bit.
Currently my son has been sober for about 5 weeks- yes, I’m counting and I’m proud of him for it and tell him so. His attitude is very different, he’s not blaming everyone else for a change. He’s doing well and he’s actually seeing an addiction therapist that he actually likes which has never happened. If you’ve read my posts, my son was starting to have seizures. I can only hope that that is what rattled him enough to try and stop.
You never know how things will go, so I’m just using this time to try and mentally, physically and emotionally recharge my battery. I pray a lot.
These things are not our faults. We are all moms who tried our best and are still trying our best in an impossible situation that we are not at all equipped for.
I think of you all daily and pray for all of us and our addicted sons daily. Love to you all! ❤️
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Hi all
Thinking about us all here and like February Marie, I keep us all in my thoughts and prayers daily.
So pleased to hear your son is 5 weeks into his recovery February Marie. This is great progress.
I wanted to share my positive news that my son is coming up to his first year in recovery.
It’s been a tough ride for him but he’s been strong and pushed through it.
It’s so much easier to support them when you can see they’re trying their best.
He still has ocd type issues and anxiety but is learning to deal with things better.
Have faith, be strong and take care of each other. ❤️ hugs to all,
Lxx
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That’s amazing. Well done your son.
Interestingly my son was convicted of GBH against his then partner a few years ago, she pleaded on his behalf as they have two children, he was given 2 year suspended sentence. With prison hanging over his head and drug and alcohol testing as well as probation etc, he remained clean, got a job and paid down his debts. The very minute that suspended sentence was lifted, he ‘celebrated’ and here we are again.
He could stop when his freedom was jeopardised, when he faced punishment for the terrible attack he perpetrated. He doesn’t think twice about getting behind the wheel of a car under the influence, doesn’t see his children and lies to them about where he is and what he is doing, uses his older children to lean on emotionally, guilt tripping them all the time, but won’t stop drinking or taking drugs when he can see the terrible impact he is having on his children. Absolutely no empathy. For me that says it all.
Having an adult child as an addict is bad enough, having an adult addicted child who has his own children is a whole new level of significant problems. As his mother I have to face their questions, their fears, their disappointment, their belief that he doesn’t love them. My efforts are now going into them and not him I am afraid. Sorry if anyone finds that offensive but they are innocent victims of his behaviours in all of this and 25 years of trying to ‘help’ has resulted in him never taking responsibility or even been held to account for the things he has done to our entire family, his siblings, his nieces and nephews included.
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Wow lindyloo that’s such great news about your son.
A year is a massive achievement.
I really hope its making a difference to you and your life.
Despite my moans about my son having 3 mnths of sobriety has def taken the edge off the stress.
It gives us all hope when they can achieve these things.
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Morning Bump
Yes, a great achievement, also for your son too. 3 months, that’s wonderful news- I’m so pleased for you.
I also hope it’s making a difference in your lives, I know your health hasn’t been great lately.
It has left me feeling like I have a bit ptsd with all that’s happened over the years. But I can’t complain, as long as we’re all happy and healthy.
I’ll stay in touch here just the same and keep praying ????
Have a lovely royal weekend ????
Sending hugs
Lx ❤️
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Bump22; 3 months and Lindyloo a whole year; this is truly fantastic news and a beacon of hope. Thank you for sharing.
Penny M, thank you for sharing your story; my own experiences and thoughts are reflected in yours as applies to many others.
Sad day for me today due to an event (details withheld) that epitomises the sadness and consequences of my son’s addiction. They say that as a parent, you are only ever as happy as your least happy child. I am sure that many of you can relate to that. Even with all the pain and heartache that has been caused by the addict, we continue to love them (hating them too, the other side of love). Enough said, continue to take care of yourselves. In times of extreme turmoil, I attempt a strategy where I ‘park’ the horrible turbulent, toxic experiences onto a shelf locked away at the back of my mind with varying levels of ‘success’. As we know, for those who are unaffected by the nightmare consequences of addiction, our experiences are a different world away. Thank you for the support of this forum.
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I’m that 37 year old man that keeps using cocaine . When it’s ok I can keep a job and just about get through a paycheck when it’s bad I nearly crash my car whilst hammered beg borrow and steal cash and destroy any romantic relationship I have . I’m actually quite good looking and that makes it worse as I have no excuses at all . I’m lost and can’t afford rehab . Have no friends to confide in and wish I had to courage to kill myself . I think rehab or distance away for at least a month is the only option we hich is something I can’t do. I wish you all the best
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Hi
I am a mum who lost her 29 year old son to cocaine. Please please don’t think of suicide you may think you are all alone but I am sure you have family who will be as devestated as I am about my son. We are coming up to a year since I found him and my life has changed forever. My son wanted rehab but we couldn’t afford it. He was doing well but the people who were taking all his money would not leave him alone. Please do this for you and your family if you have one. Depending on where you are there will be an open road or something like it. Cocaine anonymous are good for support. Use me to talk if you have no one. You can do this xx
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Sorry to hear that Kate . It’s not something I think I will do so don’t worry . I am going to try two days without then 4 etc and keep a writtain report to show progress . I have never using in some way since I was 18 . I’m just very tired of it all now and I’m seeing my mum get old now and don’t want it to be too late for her to have some sort of normal life
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I know how your mum must be feeling. I loved my boy with all my heard but he wore me out with his need for money to pay bills when his money was passed to those scum bags who helped keep him trapped. The constant dramas the disappointment when his promises led to nothing. The total mind blowing shock of finding him dead. You have made the first step now follow it through. There’s a good life waiting for you xx
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Go volunteering abroad with a charity. It might work, alternatively contact the NHS and ask them if you can be admitted onto the research projects being undertaken into addiction. This is free. Good luck, if it’s any consolation, coming onto this forum is in part a step towards sobriety.
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Sorry to hear that Penny . It’s not something I think I will do so don’t worry . I am going to try two days without then 4 etc and keep a writtain report to show progress . I looked into that volunteer website but it’s only for magic mushrooms and also one of the criteria was your had to be female and I’m not sure I could pull that off x
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Hi Pambler
Welcome to the forum
I’m sorry that you are struggling with addiction
You need to get help if you are ready to
There is help C A is the cocaine help group
This thread is mainly mothers fighting to help their sons and daughter to get off drugs and alcohol
I hope you can give and insight into the other side of this
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Pambler it’s good you recognise you have a problem as that is a start.
I dont know your personal situation but if u are homeless then there are charity’s that give free rehab.
Also my son couldnt have been more anti the 12 steps bit now swears by AA and NA but after a relapse now knows he has to 12 steps all the time to stay clean.
He now has his AA friends and people there that support him so maybe it’s worth a try? Also if you ring round a few places they may be able to signpost you to some free rehab places?
The only way I stumbled on the rehab place for my son was frantically calling people….it took a while and is a shame it wasnt so easy to find
It’s good u are looking for help. Just hang in there..the fact u acknowledge u have a problem and want to change is great.
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Welcome to this forum Pambler and thank you for sharing your honest thoughts.
Kate1, I cannot find any words to acknowledge how you provide support and strength to this forum, despite the indescribable pain of losing your son to suicide. What can I say that would ever make it easier for you?
I gain strength for all on this forum and hope that it offers some peace to others too. There are similar themes and experiences running through all our stories.
I have been feeling particularly sad recently and need to reboot myself to get in a gear that gives me a peaceful state of mind. Something to minimise the emotional rollercoaster of it all; love/hate/despair/sadness/regret/hopelessness to name afew. I must go now. Love, peace and hope to us all.
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It’s a never ending roller coaster which even death doesn’t give an end to. All we can do is support each other and our loved ones who are trapped by this illness and the evil scum who do their best to keep them I’ll to line their own pockets xx
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I’m going to try to do the 12 steps . I’ve talked to my sister who has been told how feel and I will take it from there . I feel selfish for talking about myself as alot of the pain is on the mother’s and family’s of addicts . I wondered if anyone on here did sponsoring for addicts . In that I mean contact support via email or phone to help them through rehabilitation
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No but I would love to find a way to help x
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Hi Pambler- I admire you for being able to read these posts from us moms- not an easy thing to do. Don’t feel selfish for talking about yourself. Yes, it’s a hard road for the loved ones, but I can say that my son is in absolute hell when he is not sober- many people suffer. In fact, you must think of yourself initially to start the road to sobriety. You must prioritize yourself and help for your addiction in order to get well. My son expresses deep guilt when he gets sober at what he has done to his family. I tell him to focus on himself and getting well and there is a loving family waiting for him.
Whoever are those people who love you, whether family or not, I imagine they want the same for you.
Never, ever give up. You might relapse, but stop as quickly as you can and start again and don’t look back on it. From what I’ve read about addicts, those who get sober and remain sober, just reach a point where enough is enough. I will pray for you. You can do this.
Kate1, I thought it might be coming up on the 1 year anniversary of your son. I hope the pain has lessened somewhat for you and your family. Love to you. ❤️
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Thankyou xx yeah it makes me feel awful knowing that all you guys have been through hell and I’m doing the same thing to my mum and also knowing that without all the drugs I’m actually a very sensitive and caring individual . It’s been 20 years or wasted moments and wasted relationships and that’s hard to swallow . This morning it’s been four days since I last used and that is better than I’ve done for a long time . I’m struggling with sadness today and that sadness grows as each day goes by without the release of using . I think writing to you guys is helping and I’m not going to use today . I can feel that inside so that’s good but tomorrow is another struggle . We will see how I get on . Take care all you guys
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Pambler, guilt is a wasted emotion and can only prevent you from moving forward. I am sure your mum would be happy with clean and sober, I know I would. The danger of being clean is always that you finally confront everything that has happened and all the emotions that go with that. Park those emotions, deal with them later and just concentrate on being clean it is the biggest prize for everyone involved in your life, there is nothing to be gained by looking back and beating yourself up. The place you are at now is what counts, nothing else. Every day clean wipes out every day using. Bridges can be mended, being sorry is an action, you staying clean is the action of sorry. You have to fix you before anything else can be fixed and I wish you all the luck in the world to remain clean. Xx
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You are doing well keep going. The benefits will be great. Your mum must be very happy you are making the choice of life. I know I would be. Everyday I wish my son could have done it he was a kind loving person. Sometimes I think that makes you vulnerable to those people who peddle this misery. You are stronger than you think. Xxx
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I havnt sponsored anyone but my son found a sponsor straight away at meeting gs.
Somone he cld call as soon as he got a craving.
Just go to all your local meetings gs everyday ..the co.munity is so supportive and my son has lots of peoples um ers he can call at anytime.
It’s great you are making that step.
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Pambler your doing amazing.
The 12 steps tells u just take each day at a time.
Dont think about tommorow tackle it when it comes.
Dont think about the past sorrows focus on how u can change this around.
U cant change the past but you can change the future.
Your mum will be so proud.
Just keep in there and seriously get to some AA or NA meetings.
My son mainly goes to AA meetings as there are more of them but the principles are exactly the same and y will be surrounded by lots of support by people who are in ypur position and have been there and u will find your not alone and can share your feelings without judgment.
You can crack this ypu really can.
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She’s happy I’m doing this forum and I am it’s something different that I’ve not really tried and it’s nice to offload and hear other people’s stories so thankyou for that guys
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Hi Pambler
Glad you have us all on here
We all have things to share that may help
Addiction is so difficult to understand
My son is doing well now he’s been off the booze since November
He had a slip up in April but he’s sorted himself out
He’s says the key thing is to be occupied
He’s join a few groups not for alcoholic
But for people who are lonely and need company
He’s done a couple of repair shop things
And goes walking with some guys
Also joined a wellness centre
Danger times are when he’s not working
And has time on his hands
He has been having counseling every week since February he doesn’t tell me about it but he says if has really help to get rid of a lot of baggage that he’s been carrying about for years
He’s actually started to like himself
He’s has been in a very dark place and was treating himself with huge amounts of alcohol
He has been in hospital about 6 times in the last 18 months he’s broken bones from falling down the stairs he had that many bruises I thought he might have something seriously wrong with him
He’s has been so reckless with his health
It not easy to get yourself out of the downward spiral
It is in my opinion a form of self harm
Please please try to get some counselling
Or join a support group
You life is worth so much more that you are giving it
Drugs are not your friends they may blank out what you are feeling but it’s short lived
You can talk on here someone will always be listening and willing to give you advise
Take care of yourself nobody is coming knocking on your door to offer help
Try to get proactive seek help
Love and hugs Joanie x
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Well my son has now been missing for 24 hours. I have kept this from the rest of the family because they don’t need the anxiety this induces. I will now, yet again, have to report him as missing hoping that in fact he is locked up by the police somewhere. This is my jubilee weekend. Pretending everything is OK when it isn’t.
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So sorry. I well remember the dramas never really being able to relax. Hope he turns up well xx
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I hope he is found safe and sound .
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I also hope you are ok I should have said that I’m sorry
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Sorry to hear that penny..toi meant times that has happened to me too.
But let’s pray he turns up safe and sound.
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Hi Penny
Hope he’s safe
X x
Joanie
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He’s been found, off his face with another ex GF addict who is also out of it. One day I hope he understands how much harm his behaviours have caused. His poor children have spent all weekend crying, jubilee celebrations not attended because they were so worried. Ringing around hospitals and police stations. I am so angry.
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Penny I’m glad he’s been found, and I’m sorry for the turmoil this puts you all through. Addiction is such an exhausting roller coaster.
Peace to you. ❤️
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Wouldn’t it be great if we could turn off the worry. Do they know or even care what they put us through. Glad he’s found but it’s a relief tinged with anger at wasted time and emotion. Damn drugs I wish I never knew the pain they cause x
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Hi Penny
They are so thoughtless
The will never realise how much they put you through
At least he was safe
X x
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Glad hes been found.
Such a shame you have been put through hell.
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Glad hes been found.
Such a shame you have been put through hell.
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Glad hes been found.
Such a shame you have been put through hell.
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Thank you everyone. I would not wish this on my worst enemy. X
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So true… ❤️
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I’m happy he’s found . Makes me feel less guilty
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Hi all
I know things are mostly very hard for us mums but I would like to share some positive news
My son has manage to spend the 4 day bank holiday on his own and sober
Which to me is unbelievable
I have been on edge but didn’t check up on him
He text me with nice texts and said he was joining in a street party yesterday helping with the food and setting up stuff
He was there from 12 until 8 in the evening and text to say he had a really good day
I could have cried it’s such a turn around
He rang today and chatted for 30 mins
I know he’s probably not out of the woods
But I am so proud of him
I think it goes to show anti depressant counselling and activities can help
I don’t think Anything I’ve done has made that much of a difference other than loving him when I really didn’t even like him
It has taken its toll on me as we all know how heart breaking and disappointing life
Is with addicts
But maybe there can be light at the end of this dark tunnel
Please look after yourselves I pray we can all get through these trials
X x
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Joanie this is very good news and you have every reason to celebrate and be proud of your son. I think it’s very important to tell our sins well done when they’ve managed to do well. I think it’s helps them when they hear positive words.
I don’t think you’re giving yourself enough credit. The fact that your son knows how much you love him and stood by him probably gave him courage. ❤️
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Great news xx
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Hi all,
Wonderful news Joanie, thank you for sharing it with us! Please use this time for you too ❤️
Penny- I’m glad your son was found. Such a relief when they finally turn up after going off like that.
Kate- always in my thoughts, I know it’s your son’s anniversary soon, hope you’re coping better ❤️
Lx
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Thanks lindyloo for remembering. I’m up and down really, not coping great. It all seems like a nightmare. My son could be hard work and frustrating when he was alive but it’s so much worse now he’s dead. I wouldn’t want him to come back to the life he had but I miss him so much xx
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Can’t imagine what it’s like for you. Drug dealers who are selling/manufacturing it for profit and not because they too are addicted, should be locked up for a very long time. The pain they cause is incalculable.
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Hi Kate, I will always keep you, your lad and family in my thoughts and prayers. It could have happened to any one of us, good , loving mums, good upbringing. Etc
Most young lads are experimenting with drink and, or drugs, but only a few will become totally addicted. My son always in the past had ocd type symptoms, every he does is 100% – good or bad.
I wish I could give you a hug, but I know you’ll get comfort from his child and your daughter. He’ll always be in your heart Kate.
Please seek support wherever you can or whenever you’re ready.
Always here for you ❤️
Lx
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Thank you, I have had counselling and now cbt as they say I have post traumatic stress because it was me who found him, something which will always haunt me. I don’t think anything really helps. I’ll always love him, he was stuck in a world where he was being exploited. All the things I read on here take me back, I was numb then to, whatever I did didn’t help. They have to have the strength to want to recover, no one can do it for them no matter how much we want to help. My thoughts are with all of you still struggling with the worry of it all. My sadness is now never going to end xx
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Oh Kate I hope that you find some peace one day. I don’t know what else to say. I wish that every potential addict out there was exposed to the end game horror of it all before they find themselves in the throws of addiction, maybe a look into the future might stop them before it’s too late. Be kind to yourself x
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Thank you. I don’t think any of them go into it thinking this will be the outcome. My son was just doing something as a laugh with friends. The friends have since moved on he got addicted. Not in a million years would he have wanted to hurt us like this, especially me and his little girl. I hope one day to do some talks to young people to explain the impact drugs can have. Would they want to see their mums hurting like this. Xx
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Kate- I hope that this upcoming 1 year anniversary is not too difficult for you. You’ve probably come a long way this last year and I hope that your grief has softened a bit since last year. I hope that time has healed your heart. I hope that you remember your son for the wonderful person he was, then what the addiction did to him. ❤️
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Thank you yes I remember him as my boy. I don’t think my life will ever be anywhere near how it was. It sounds sad but I don’t see much of a future. If only he knew how he would leave us. X
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Yes, if only. I wish I had better words…. ❤️
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Addictions are a form of slow suicide in my view Kate and that leaves parents with overwhelming feelings of guilt. That needs to stop. I think this is the hardest thing to deal with and I believe that this is how it should be treated when it comes to counselling. Putting addiction aside for a minute, every drink, every hit of a class A drug is no different to playing Russian roulette and my experience is that they don’t care if it kills them, which is pretty much suicidal ideation. So instead of treating the addiction first, maybe it’s time that the addiction was parked and the addict is treated for the very clear MH aspect of dependency.
For instance only an overdose of heroin will kill you so it would be better to treat the cause of the addiction rather than the addiction first. Maintaining a level of withdrawal so that the addict isn’t having to concentrate on several things at once. Treat the cause first not the symptom.
In prison addicts are prescribed the synthetic version of the drugs they have been taking whilst they first deal with what caused them to take them, once there are ‘breakthroughs’ on the trauma led addiction they are slowly weaned off the drugs. The success rate is significantly higher than ‘do it all in one go’ that is the norm outside.
I am not advocating drug or alcohol abuse, I just think, having seen so much addiction, that the ask to go cold turkey and absorb all the emotions that are no longer numbed in one hit is too much in one go.
I am not a professional I have experience is all and something needs to change because so far nothing really works within the community. The success rate has remained stagnant for decades with the current support networks. ????♀️
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I totally agree but my boy was let down by mental health who said they couldn’t do anything while he was a “addict” and sent him him at 3 in the morning with no way of getting home. The addiction covers and medicates the mental pain. I felt helpless I could not get him help and his medical notes show he begged for help over and over
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Sometimes they are better off in prison where they do have access to services, why can’t the see that it’s cheaper and more humane to get in quickly in the community rather wait for a tragic death or imprisonment. Crime of course creates further victims. Makes me so angry.
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❤️ ❤️ ❤️
Lx
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That’s lovely news Joanie I am so pleased for you. Sadly there are different types of addicts as I have found over the years. My son is not one of the nice ones, that is why it’s so difficult. Not only is he violent, his pathological lying is offensive. Only recently, he told his boss, who has given him so many chances to get clean and sober always taking him back, that he was in hospital having been told he is dying of cancer and sorry he could not come into work. I only found this out yesterday. The appalling part is that we have just lost my father in law to cancer having helped to nurse him for the last 9 months. I was horrified when I saw the texts knowing it all to be a pack of lies, he was actually on a bender somewhere, his now ex boss was so worried for him. It’s unforgivable.
Before anyone says it’s the addiction and not the real person, it isn’t. He always lied long before the addictions got a hold. The addictions have just ensured that not one word that comes out of his mouth is true. He tried grooming me all day yesterday via text, saying how sorry he was, how he was getting in contact with addiction support groups etc how he loved all of us and then he asked for money and when I said no … boom back to the vile abusive texts calling me every name under the sun. I subsequently found out he had done this to all his siblings (who haven’t blocked him) too who are under strict instructions not to give him money, he even said he had switched his phone off and gone off the radar to “frighten’ us all. That is abuse, it’s abuse of his children and the rest of the family. He had run out of money, we wouldn’t help so he punished all of us over the jubilee weekend. It’s not just his addictions that need addressing.
He has a cat that he has abandoned yet again and his poor sister who lives a few doors down has to pick up those pieces feeding it and making sure it’s OK.
Joanie your son is obviously turning some sort of corner and I am really happy for both of you, because my son only remains sober and even then it’s never completely sober, when he is locked up somewhere. The picture you have painted is not one I have ever been able to paint sadly. My son is only interested in himself. Nasty drunk and victim playing sober. It’s all everyone else’s fault.
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Thanks great news gives me confidence I can do it too
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You can do it. Do it for you, do it for all of us too. It gives us hope and as funny as this sounds, we become invested in your journey too, like an online adoption x
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Lol thanks for adopting me .
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???? Thanks for showing us that there is light x
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I often have conversations about my son with his dad. This morning we have talked about possible suicide, prison, hunger, getting beaten up, drug dealers…we’ve also talked about not wanting to enable and how low does someone need to reach before they hot rock bottom. Currently my son is without money and food, is living in filth. I’m just numb to this now – it’s happened so so many times now and I think I’m getting resilient to these thoughts as there really really really is nothing that we can do. He is really and utterly stuck in his addiction. I’m dreading the next few days. X
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I know and feel your pain. There really aren’t any adequate words. X
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Hi halo
That numbness is awful
You have looked after your son while he was young fed him clothed him kept him
Safe and now he has free will to do as he wants
Poor choices are a theme with addicts
I use to think think my son just wanted to destroy himself he was self harming by neglect
risky behaviour he had complete disregard for his safety
Nothing he did made any sense like you
I would go over all the things he done it’s like Groundhog Day
I wish I had answers to help
I don’t think think my reaction to problem was right
It has to come from the addict to want change
I hope things get better for you and your son
Remember to look after yourself
X x
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In my experience so far my attempts to quit are solely based on me . I have no reason I can pinpoint that makes it harder or easier . I feel so ashamed most days but I think it’s only in my hands and don’t think it can work any other way
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Heart felt thoughts with you Kate, I often say I’m not very good with words but the words love and mother spring to mind, thank you for sharing your story. Numb and then a flow of uncontrollable tears at the sadness. I agree, my son was exactly the same – just a bunch of lads at school, one has committed suicide and threw himself off of a car park aged 19, he was a very good artist who said he could not get off drugs and could see no way out, another 2 now dealers whose mum died of cancer when they were very young. I wish everyone on this site strength, resilience and love. That old saying, you can’t make anyone do anything but you can with yourself. I choose to have hope and love paired with utter sadness and despair, it’s not all the time but when it hits it hits hard. Take care all mums on this part of the forum and look after yourself and be the best friend to yourself xxxxxx
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Yes Halo crying and laughing aren’t so far apart as emotions x
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I have never thought of myself as evil or unkind but addiction controls everything . I often think about what I could have become knowing that I was more than capable . It’s a evil cruel affliction. I wish I was not introduced but that’s life . Sending good vibes to everyone affected. I feel shameful every minute of every day
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Don’t feel shameful Pambler- it’s not a productive emotion. I’m fairly certain you never thought you would become addicted. Yes, addiction takes over, but you’re still in there and you must fight. I don’t know how long you’ve been sober, but I know that when my son gets sober, the shame and guilt are huge. You must put your energy in to positive things and getting better, not on beating yourself up.
I think it was Penny that said it best, remorse and sorry are actions. When you have those guilt feelings, channel those back in to your recovery and do something healthy for you.
Keep hanging in there..
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I just take a small solice in that you are here to talk about how the addict feels . It’s important you know it’s not your doing it’s not your fault . My mum could have done whatever I would have found a way once your addicted that’s it it’s up to the individual to change . You mum’s are the shit honestly . You are the shining beacon that civilization needs to adhere to. I’m just a man that wants to reclaim my identity
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Ps if anyone thinks this message system is pointless . I’ve been clean 8 days precisely because of this forum . Never give up never back down . Addiction is the devil
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Pambler- addiction is the devil. 8 days- that’s something! Just keep going day to day, that’s all you can do. Any more than that is too overwhelming. The good man you are is still there waiting to shine. ❤️
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I’m no where near there but I’m here . You guys are the victims that’s what makes me feel the worst . Just know that you cannot control this issue but you must talk to people that have been there don’t isolate . My main personally is that I have no friends no other outlook.. I lost it all.. it’s hard to find a friend at 37 honestly . Lol . And that my Achilles heal . Why bother to improve when noone cares about it or there’s no place to go to celebrate. That’s fucking hard . But I can’t die knowing I gave up
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Hi Pambler, welcome to the forum.
Thank you for sharing your story and I wanted to congratulate you on getting to 8 days! That’s brilliant!
My 29yr son has cocaine and alcohol addictions. Was struggling for years, debts mounting, health suffering, ready to lose everything.
He admitted he needed support and help to change.
He approached AA and CA groups and attended meetings.
These guys are great, so supportive, he got a sponsor, did the 12steps program.
I’m pleased to see he’s received his 1year token this week- clean for a year! It can be done Pambler- he was exactly like you.
Have you read Danman83 or Jamesb posts on another thread? They are guys in recovery offering advice and support too!
It’s good to hear from guys in a similar situation, it really helped my son in his recovery.
The mums on this thread are also so supportive they have also helped me.
Keep on doing what you’re doing, it will be so worth it!
Stay strong lad
Lx ❤️
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Hi Pambler
Please leave the guilt and embarrassment behind
Be kind to yourself drugs and alcohol are not your friends
Whatever got to where you have been
Is the past
I have had years of my son being an absolute nightmare
Last November he was at his worst
But he’s managed to work through his baggage and guilt it’s hard work
I really thought he might die he was skin and bone couldn’t even hold a cup without shaking couldnt keep food down
He was covered in bruises
Chain smoking
He look like he was homeless
It’s not been easy his gp gave him anti sickness pills anti depressants and diasapan to take the edge of the shaking
He managed to get back to some sort of stability
He has been in counselling since February
He’s found groups to join
He fell of the wagon and ended up back in hospital in April
But he was back sober within a couple of weeks
This is a hard road
He with me for a few days break and is
So much better
Keep trying keep talking to us on this forum we don’t judge
And we don’t sleep much lol
Take care of yourself
Joanne X x
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My son felt the same. His friends had all moved on. Given up on him. He had no one except me and his workmates which made him all the more susceptible to the exploitation he was experiencing. My boy took the only way out to be free of these people. Please stay strong do this for you and the bright future you can make for yourself xx
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Yes, this is what addiction does- it destroys. My son is 40 and really hasn’t even begun to live a functioning life because he’s been he’s been an alcoholic for so long. He also doesn’t have friends and the majority of his family except me, don’t talk to him. Can I just share with you that it is because it’s very, very difficult for family members to ride this rollercoaster. I tell my son he has to respect what each family member can handle.
I believe this is why so many of the moms here have suggested some sort of support program. I can’t seem to get my son to do it. But, then you’d have people who truly know your struggles and can celebrate your victories even if they’re small. They understand.
Based on my son, at 8 days sober, your body is trying hard to get to normal and there is depression, fatigue and not feeling well. Keep pushing on. My son is now about 3 months sober right now and he’s more and more himself all the time. I have no idea if he’ll stay this course.
You mustn’t give up. You matter.
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Hi February Marie,
3months sober! I’m so pleased to hear that.
I hope you are managing to focus on yourself and the rest of the family.
Take care ❤️
Lx
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Thank you Lindyloo! This is the longest he’s gone in a while. He sounds good and looks good.
I’m definitely using this time to just be ‘normal’ for a bit and get some rest and enjoy things- including him, while he’s good. He found an addictions counselor that he really likes which he hasn’t said before. He’s been going to church- which helps him feed the soul. His counselor wants him to be open to a support group and he said he would. I pray he just keeps going. ????
Thanks for your note ❤️
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Hi Kate
I just wanted to say what a brave strong women you are
To stay in this thread to help is so kind
After all you have been through
Your words are wise I hope Pambler
Hangs on to them and gets through some more days
Love Joanie ???? x x
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Hi all, I have been trying to get my 25 year old son to seek help for 10 years, it’s heartbreaking as watch him deteriorate day by day he’s like skin and bone covered in scars from years of falls and accidents when he’s drunk and drugged up.
I live on my nerves, sometimes I cannot breathe with the anxiety of it all the worry is horrendous I just want a normal life but can’t ever see that happening.
I don’t care if he’s on the dole for rest of his life as long as he’s sober and off the drugs in fact when he does work it’s worse as he has more money to do what he does, its such a lonely life when you have an adult child in this situation
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Hi Jennifer68
I’m so sorry you are going through this terrible time
Your son is still young his body may recover in between the drinking and the drugs
It’s such a hard fight to get any help
But I would urge you to try maybe his gp
Or if he could get into rehab
I know the anxiety so well and not being able to plan anything it’s a nightmare
We had a 2 night stay in London last October my son was suppose to go to his daughters
Who is going through a bad break up and has a small baby
He let us all down I couldn’t enjoy one minute of that time for worrying about him and my granddaughter
He’s 49 and has been drinking most of his adult life
But since November he’s been sober apart from one slip he ended up in hospital in April
But he’s back on the wagon again now
I have been sick of people telling me to leave him to get on with it and have a life myself
They have no idea how it is to be constantly worried and stressed
I love him and couldn’t let him destroy himself
Please try to get some help for you at least
Love and hugs
Joanie
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Hi Jennifer,
I was really sorry to read your message, and so many others that have been posted recently. I think you hit the nail on its head when you said that this is such a lonely life with an adult child in this situation. Its like been stuck in some sort of twilight world, where you only share the bear details with other people, you can’t plan to do anything because you don’t know what is going to be happening in a week or a month.
You didn’t say what drugs your son uses, but it sounds like he got himself into all of this at a very young age, which is heartbreaking.
I don’t know if you are getting any support but there is really good counselling available through Adfam and drugsfam has a really good helpline.
Like you, I feel like I have gone off the scale with stress and anxiety and it feels like there is no end to it.
My son is not living with me at the moment and although there are still problems and the whole situation could blow up at any moment it has been great to have a few weeks of relative normality.
Take care of yourself you will find lots of understanding people on this site.
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Thankyou both, helps when you speak to people in similar situation, but I wish to god I wasnt even having to use this forum, I am sure you understand what I mean by that! If someone would of said to me 15 years ago that my sweet kind little lad that was obsessed with the Simpsons and Mario cart lol was now addicted to cocaine and alcohol and spends most of his time on his phone trying to get his next fix of anything! I have lost my son, he no longer has morals or empathy or feelings for anyone I wish I had a time machine to go back I know if I’d been more clued up then I could of prevented it all.
I honestly think I am going insane, I too don’t like going anywhere as worry too much what will go on the odd time I do its constant phone calls for money and always drama so easier stay home although 99 percent of time I long to be somewhere far away middle of nowhere.
God I am having bad day so sorry to ramble
As I sit writing this he is roaming the house shutting all the curtains even though it’s daylight, he’s sweating and just been sick as he’s overdone it! This has become normal life for me now but tonight is actually better than last night when he was out all night wrecked, that’s when you sit there just waiting for him to stagger in or thinking is the police gonna knock at door sleepless nights are worse.
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Oh gosh, everyone….I am shocked to hear the stories on this thread, and yet relieved that I am not alone too….
Lindyloo pointed me in this direction and so I have been reading all the heartbreaking posts….and clinging on to those that offer hope.
I posted a few days ago in a new thread that my 38 year old alcoholic son came to live with me 5 months ago, from prison. He promised to get help and stay off alcohol. He’s on methadone for heroin withdrawal. Lindyloo kindly replied and pointed me in this direction…
He is my eldest son, and he’s now addicted to prescription drugs. He gets diazepam and other stuff off the internet and also on prescription from the GP. His moods are all over the place and he constantly wants money. He came at me the other day with his fists (he’s 6’8″) and I fell over. He told me ‘ I hope you’ve broken your effing leg, you c***’ The police ended up coming over and arrested him, but I didn’t press charges. So he came back here. He’s my son and I can’t bear the thought of him going back to prison….and yet I can’t live like this. My house is tiny. I work hard. I dread coming home.
I recently lost my mum. We were so close. He hasn’t even allowed me to grieve….
Tonight he told me that the owner of the village shop had been to my house, asking for the money Chris owed him from April, when he got credit for drink….I’m pretty sure that what happened the other night when there squad cars and four policemen came tumbling out is now the talk of the village…
I already feel totally isolated and I’ve become a miserable old lady.
Losing my mum has just added to the absolute despair I feel.
I feel suicidal. I don’t see I have a place in the world any more. My alcoholic son is convincing me that my other two sons have confided in him that I’m useless. They denied it, but I can’t see how he would keep on bringing it up if it wasn’t true to some extent?
I broke down at work after a particularly difficult time with him and told my bosses all about things. I work in a private household for super-rich people and they seemed very sympathetic at the time, but now they are saying I crossed the line…even more reason for me to feel it would be much better to be with my mum.
I tried to sign up for my local Al-Anon meeting, but it seems there is only an on-line option at the moment – which in my tiny house while my son is upstairs, isn’t really an option….
I hope that feeling part of this community will help me feel a little bit less isolated and desperate
Sorry if I seem so self-absorbed x
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You need to keep him away from you. Using the police if need be. This is not your son he is an addict and they lose all care for family. Look after you
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Hi desperatemum2- I’m so sorry to hear what you’re going through. You do not deserve this and to feel like a hostage in your own home.
Kate is right, you must look after you. Loving an addict is so isolating, you are not alone. Just because you are a mom who loves her son, doesn’t mean that you have to take abuse. And that is what is happening to you. Many of us on here have said that we would never take the kind of treatment that our sons do to us when they are in the the throes of addiction.
If you’re not able to do Al-anon at home because of him being there, I would start looking in to information online about setting boundaries with an addict. There are moms on here who have had to remove their sons from their home because of their abusive behavior. You may not be strong enough for that, but you can certainly begin to set boundaries with your son in smaller ways.
You must care for yourself, because in their state they won’t take care of you and that hurts, I know. So you must find a way to do it for yourself, your other children who love, you and all the other family and friends who love you too.
Stay with us here, we are all stronger together.
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I am not going to read the other responses before I respond to this because I don’t want to be influenced. Every day he remains in your home is another day where his addictions are enabled. When I did all of the above, except his home was in North Wales and I live in England, it was catastrophic, not just for me but the entire family and by providing a roof over his head and food etc he was freed up to buy more drugs, more alcohol.
In the end I took the advice of drug and alcohol advisers and made him leave and have never taken him back in. That of course has led to me being called every name under the sun except when he wants money then he switches on all the manipulation, the sorrys, the promises of change, the proclamations of love etc etc and when the inevitable ask for money comes at the end and I say no, back come the awful things he calls me and threats of suicide which he says will be my fault.
My advice to you is to make him leave before he takes you with him. You are not safe whilst he is in your home. You are a victim of domestic violence.
This may sound harsh, but kick him out, you are entitled to live without fear and you are allowed to grieve. Don’t feel guilty, he is the problem not you. It’s his problem to solve. It will never be resolved whilst he doesn’t have to face into any of it because he has a roof over his head, food on the table and access to the internet to buy drugs.
You are not safe, you are not physically or emotionally safe. Please speak to your local domestic violence team too as they will support you as well.
It is OK to want him to leave. X
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You are a really good person in an impossible situation. None of this is your fault. I only really know about heroin, but I’m starting to think that they are very changed people once they’ve gone down that road. I’ve also over-shared and cried at work, and regretted it, but you have to talk to someone. Please give Drugsfam a ring, adfam are also really good, they get you to see that you have to look after yourself. No one should have to live like this. Your son sounds really out of control and there’s nothing you can do for him until he wants to change. He’s hurting and lost and he’s hitting out at you when he talks about things your other children are meant to have said.
Your son is off heroin, which is good. Is he getting any support from the addiction agencies for his other issues?
I’m really sorry to hear about your mum as well, you need time and space to grieve. If you are not safe at home then you need to talk to someone. I am not sure where you start but maybe tell your doctor what’s going on and let them know that you are in danger.
Please keep going, we all need each other on this site. We are so much stronger together, listening and supporting each other. I wouldn’t have got through lockdown without it.
I’m sorry if this is disjointed, I’m on my phone and it’s not easy to scroll back. I may have repeated myself a lot.
I am thinking about you.
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Dear desperatemum2 I don’t even know what to say but please don’t give up you deserve to live in peace please try find a helpline that you can talk to someone over phone tonight! If you have a car go for a drive park up and ring someone so at least you can talk privately without your son hearing, i suppose I am lucky I have never been physically touched by my son it’s come close but never touched
Your mum wouldn’t want you to take your life and think of your other children, I wish I could help you, please stay strong x
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Hi desperatemum 2
Please stay strong addicts are very manipulating they say the most hurtful things
Don’t give his lies any credit your other children love you I’m sure
They probably get fed up because he gets a lot of attention even if it’s for wrong reasons
Get a face to face apt with the dr asap
Use this forum and drugfam
You have to get help for yourself
Take care x x
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Father’s Day. My grandchildren in crisis because they hadn’t heard from their dad so we travel to see them all. In the meantime I find out that yes, their dad is alive, he is in a police station being held until Monday where he will be put before the court and probably remanded for assaulting his girlfriend in a drunken coke fuelled rage. This is the second time he has been charged with this type of offence.
He has also been charged with driving without a licence, driving whilst uninsured and failing to provide a specimen.
I am exhausted, grief stricken, etc etc
Today I am painting that smile on my face and trying to be the best grandmother to my victimised grandchildren. I have lost my son. It is over. He is somebody I don’t want to know. He has hurt so many people over the last decade plus. His continued violence towards women appalls me. He doesn’t take any responsibility for what he has done or the lifelong scars he has left on his children.
My father died of liver cancer due to alcohol abuse. My own childhood was chaotic and unsafe. I walk in my grandchildren’s shoes ever day and the buried trauma of my own childhood has reared its head. The focus should not be on the addict it should be on the innocent victims of the addict. This constant prioritising of their addictions harms everyone else and feeds their need for attention and ‘poor me’ mantra. Time to break the cycle for everyone’s sake.
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It’s a sad Father’s Day for my grandaughter and me but reading your posts shows me what we could still be going through. The day our loved one began their journey with substances we lost them. I never really got my son back but I did get glimpses as he wasn’t always under the influence but cocaine changed the person. I miss that person. Xx stay strong as you can all of you it’s a lonely hard walk loving an addict x
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Sorry for not posting for a while.
I have read all ypur posts and just feel for everyone so much what we are going through.
Sometimes I just am too emotionally drained to write back.
It is domestic abuse what we go through and so much more support shld be out there for as you’ve e all said the real victims us!
I know addiction is a disease and it changes people but so much of what we go through is far worse than the addict.
Penny paint that smile on and be there for your grandchildren as we need to protect the innocent ones.
So many times I’ve just got on with things painted that smile on and plodded on when underneath I’ve been a wreck. But I’m glad I did it.
I really feel now I have PTSD from what I’ve gone through.
I dont sleep and I’m a anxious mess. My son is dry atm hes still not nice to me but at least atm hes dry and drug free but the emotions and worry and stress remain.
After the first relapse I realise I can never fully relax it’s a black cloud ever present. But I count my blessings he is alive and doing okish.
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We had a wonderful weekend, saw the grandchildren and laughed, played bowls and had beach walks. It was so very sad that the two eldest had to be told what was going on as they were panicking about not being able to get hold of their father. He is in court tomorrow for sentencing having been given 48 hours to sort out his affairs.
So rather than sort his affairs out he rang the mother of his two youngest children and told her he had taken an overdose, I advised her to ring for an ambulance, knowing full well he probably hadn’t done that, but who wants the responsibility of doing nothing if it were genuine. Paramedics turn up can’t get in he won’t answer the door, so they call the police who start booting down his door, he appears then and tells them he is perfectly fine.
It’s just never ending, the drama, the addiction to crisis as well as the drugs and alcohol. He was detoxed whilst in custody too.
I am sure you have all had these moments. I am venting. I am also starting not to love my son. He creates so much endless harm. He gets all the attention whilst leaving a wake of damage that will be embedded in his victims forever. I don’t know what poor soul sacrificed an earlier ambulance because he chose to do this, probably an elderly person who had a fall. It’s not right. It’s not fair and it certainly is not normal to put up with this. People who smoke aren’t treated as if they are ill and nicotine addiction is one of the hardest habits to break.
Tough love from now on as has been advised by so many of my psychiatric community friends. They don’t believe in all this soothing nonsense that goes on. They think it just adds to the self absorption of the addicts. I think they are right.
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Hi PennyM
I’ve only just seen your post
It’s so sad that so many people suffer at the actions of your son
You are right they are totally self obsessed
I’ve lost count of how many ambulances I’ve sent to my son
They love the drama they don’t care who else might need one
They treat him so well and are so kind
Not a job I could do !
He’s ok at the moment but it’s very uneasy time for me
I hope your son gets some help if he is sent to prison
I’m sure you don’t want him to go
But at least you will know where he is
Keep strong if you can
It’s ok not to like him I always say my son isn’t a nice person drunk or sober
His brother is lovely kind a good husband and father
It makes no sense
Love and hugs enjoy your family
X x
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Hi Everyone
I haven’t felt able to reply as I’ve just felt so overwhelmed by everything – but then it seems so rude not to acknowledge all the supportive responses. So here I am to say thank you to everyone.
Nothing has changed with my situation. I’ve asked my son to move out – offered to find the money for a deposit on a bedsit and a couple of months rent (which won’t be easy for me, but I’ll take out a loan or something). He just refuses to go. I counted over 60 cider cans in his room this morning – and he sits outside in his car, drinking cider and swigging from bottles of wine. Add that to the diazepam the doctor prescribes and the 60 he orders at a time from the internet, he hasn’t;t the slightest intention of trying to tackle the problem and just constantly berates me for not listening to him. He said if I greeted him n the mornings with ‘hi, how are you feeling? Do you want to talk about your feelings with me’, that he would be ok. Maybe I should. But I’m exhausted with it all. I don’t have it in me any more, because if I don’t say the right thing, he’s aggressive and argumentative.
I’m so very sorry for all those of us who suffer because of addiction. I just wish there was more understanding and more medical support.
I’m glad I found this forum, at least. Thank you again everyone xx
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Hi desperatemum, so very sorry to read this, I absolutely identify with what you are going through. He is in the deep throws of addiction. That means he is unpredictable and given what you have already described as happening, take it from somebody who has walked in your shoes and as harsh as this sounds, do not pay for him to move out. Do not pay for anything. My strongest advice is to have him removed by the police. You are not safe when he is like this.
I know you are exhausted and my advice means digging deep emotionally, however in the long run you have to put yourself first at the moment you are, for many reasons which I do absolutely understand, you are allowing him to control the situation which in turn causes you further emotional stress.
I kicked my son out and when he started to do the whole ‘you don’t care about me’ emotional blackmail shit, I stood my ground and called the police who removed him. It was the best thing I did. As much as I felt awful doing it, I felt like a huge weight had been lifted. He was drinking and taking drugs whilst he lived in our house, it made no difference where he did it, out on the street or at home but I recognised I was enabling him by providing the fall back. It doesn’t stop the worry or the pain but it does allow you space to breath and live again.
Please please have a think about it. If necessary call the police and have a chat with them or get support from a domestic violence group.
This is his problem not yours. He has to deal with it and take responsibility.
Whilst he has a roof over his head, a place to order his drugs, a place to crash with you, he will never face into his addictions, it’s all too easy for him at the moment.
My thoughts are with you and take it from somebody who has walked this path more times than I can count there really is only one solution, let him fall. He will either get back up and change or carry on destroying his life. That is all that’s left. Don’t let him take you with him on that journey of self destruction. You can’t save him, only he can do that, but you can save yourself.
Xx
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Hi everyone
I have not been on here in a while, and have just caught up on several months posts. My heart goes out to each and everyone of you.
As you all know, my son was a raging Coke addict, which ended up being prescription drugs, alcohol and who knows what else!
I am very proud to say that on the 6th July 2021 he self referred himself to a funded place at a rehab centre. At the time, I had told him to leave after he had taken loans out in my name and stolen anything valuable in the house to sell. He found this place and I agreed he could stay with me until he went it (which was a week). On the 6th July he will be clean of any substance abuse for twelve months! He moved back home in January and his old employer took him back on, so has been working.
I still can’t get used to the new son that has been returned to me and I am still suspicious of every move, which quite frankly is not healthy! He has met a lovely girl who had a similar experience to him and they have both found faith in the church ( I am not a church goer) and attend meetings. They have a huge support network now that they are clean.
I myself am a single parent with 4 adult children, was married for 28 years to a man who was also an addict. I had to leave him to try and keep a roof over my childrens heads, that was 10 years ago. He was a gambling addict and still is. He is involved in the childrens lives but still in denial, my children are all adults and know he has a problem but they have accepted that and love him for who he is, he is very lucky!
Having lived with addiction all my adult life, I can reflect on it differently now. It is a disease, but with this comes desperation, violence, crime, drama, chaos, guilt, manipulation, lies, fear, loneliness and all of this consumes your life, whether you are the addict or loved one of the addict. We are the loved ones and we have lives too, you can’t change the addict but you can change your involvement. Don’t allow their addiction to stop you being you and enjoying your other relationships with siblings, children, friends, partners. You cannot do anything to stop them, they can only help themselves.
My son was in active addiction for 12 years. His addiction stole years from me being able to live freely. I was in fear for his life because of the seizures and suicide attempts and for my other childrens lives because of the dealers knocking on my door demanding money that he owed. And all of the other atrocities that happen.
Today, we are united in our support of my son whilst in recovery, what I have learnt is that this is a lifelong recovery for him. He is no longer the manipulative scheming boy that he had become and he certainly has taken ownership for his actions. We are still literally taking it day by day but each step forward is a step further away from the chaos he has left behind.
We love unconditionally (even if we really don’t like the person sometimes) and we all handle things differently in our lives, you will all do what you think is best for you and yours at the time, don’t feel bad for this. It is much easier in hindsight and with a clear head.
Thinking of each and everyone of you, and thank you all for always being there and for being united in the chaos that is addiction.
xxxxx
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Hi Lou, thank you for your post. So happy to read your great news- you must be so proud of your son’s achievement in his battle with addiction.
My son has also reached his first year in recovery, I agree , you have to love them unconditionally, even though it’s tough sometimes ❤️
I think and pray for us all here daily and hope everyone is getting along the best they can in life.
Take care
Lx
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I can resonate with your posts. My son, age 19 is struggling with addiction. Ive just joined this site tonight. It’s absolutely heartbreak to see your child destroy their lives and reject help or reason. I am terrified how it will end. Its mentally exhausting and gut wrenching. Finding this site has made me feel I’m not alone. Love to all those parents affected by addiction.
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You are certainly not alone. Those cretins who supply reach far and wide x stay strong as best you can. It’s chaos I know but this site is very supportive x
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Kate, always in my thoughts and prayers. I know this week will be difficult for you.
Please know that I’m thinking of you. ❤️
Sending much love
Lx
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Hi Imagine, welcome to the forum and to this thread. Thank you for sharing your story, I’m sorry to read that your son’s addiction is causing you distress.
The mums here are all very supportive, and understand what you’re going through. Everyone is in the same boat, but at different stages in the addiction.
No one judges and there’s people to talk to when you think no one else will understand.
Drugfam and Icarus trust also offer counselling services.
There are also people in recovery offering support, read Danman83 or Jamesb posts.
Please look after yourself in the meantime, your son will have to seek support when he’s ready.
Try not to let his addiction consume you like it does him.
Sending love and strength,
Lx ❤️
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Hi everyone
Could I ask everyone’s opinion
My son is at his worst with coke
He lays in bed doing it leaving the mess for me to clear in the morning
We don’t live in a town so he has to phone to get it. I pay his phone bill so I was wondering if it would be a sensible thing to block his phone. Just don’t know how to handle this anymore so depressed
Any ideas from all the kind souls on this thread would be appreciated x
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Hi Dasey so very sorry to read this. Please be very careful about how you go about handling this, cocaine makes the addict very unpredictable so any action that results in him not being able to get his drugs could put you in danger. Are you on your own with him?
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No his dad is here too. We’ve had this since he was seventeen. I know who he gets his drugs from which makes it even worse. I’m sat here like an old idiot
Just want it all to stop x
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Make him leave cut the phone off and make him leave. It’s OK to do that. It’s OK not to want to deal with his addiction anymore. You are not bad parents for doing this. Every single day he spends under your roof enables his addiction. Here is just one link that tells you what to do, they all say the same thing. It’s hard but you have to look after yourselves first and if he won’t stop then you are left with no choice and if it has gone on for years you shouldn’t have to live like this. X
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Thanks Penny I’ll give that a look
He keeps threatening to kill himself I think that’s why I keep trying
Maybe I should try it another way x
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Thanks Penny I’ll give that a look
He keeps threatening to kill himself I think that’s why I keep trying
Maybe I should try it another way x
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Thanks Penny I’ll give that a look
He keeps threatening to kill himself I think that’s why I keep trying
Maybe I should try it another way x
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Thanks Penny I’ll give that a look
He keeps threatening to kill himself I think that’s why I keep trying
Maybe I should try it another way
I’m scared x
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Thanks Penny I’ll give that a look
He keeps threatening to kill himself I think that’s why I keep trying
Maybe I should try it another way
I’m scared x
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Thanks Penny I’ll give that a look
He keeps threatening to kill himself I think that’s why I keep trying
Maybe I should try it another way
I’m scared x
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Thanks Penny I’ll give that a look
He keeps threatening to kill himself I think that’s why I keep trying
Maybe I should try it another way
I’m scared x
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Sorry that was a accident x
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No they want you to be scared. Threatening suicide is part of the manipulative tactics addicts use to ensure you enable. Sometimes, sadly, addicts do die either accidentally through overdose or do take their own lives, however the only chance he has of changing his way of life is when he is forced into it. I spent a very long time with female prisoners who were addicts, it was very sad, but they pretty much all manipulated anyone they thought they could, they admitted it when they were clean. Being a parent means giving them wings to fly, it does not mean babysitting them for the rest of their lives if they make bad choices. Only he can change but he won’t whilst he is safe at home it’s too easy to keep taking the drugs.
Thinking of you it’s a horrible way to have to live your life and I point blank refuse to live in fear any more, it’s a form of coercive control and should be treated as such. My son always threatens to kill himself yet somehow he is still here still causing immense harm to his family and children. 10 years of significant addiction to alcohol and cocaine. He has choices, he can change with the support he has been offered. I have chosen to distance myself and whilst I still have the odd day of worry I don’t have the feelings of dread waking up every day that I used to have. I am far more philosophical and concentrate on his children now instead. X
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Sorry for the multiple messages you can tell I’m not used to this
I have five other children who have had problems along the way but nothing like this and they have made wonderful people. All my energy has been with him for years and because we moved a long way away we’re very much alone
I think I’ve come to the point that I can’t do anymore x
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Then don’t. The road to recovery has to come from the addict and their chosen professional support network. It really is OK to walk away and set boundaries for further contact. x
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Hi Dasey- welcome to this forum. I hope it will give you comfort in knowing you are not alone in this difficult journey.
Sometimes it takes us reaching a point where we just can’t do it anymore to start making changes, even if it starts with ourself. I would encourage you to learn everything you can about addiction, setting boundaries and enabling. We’re moms, it’s all we know how to do, but our mothering can actually enable their addiction- I know I’ve been guilty of that. Right now, your son doesn’t really have any reason to change in his current environment. It’s very hard to know what to do. Perhaps seeing a counselor will give you the strength to take back your life. It’s scary to start saying no them, because they will push back- hard.
It helps to start with small steps. Maybe tell your son you will no longer clean up after him. Even though that will be hard for you to see the mess, it’s the point you’re trying to make.
You have a right to a peaceful life. It sounds like you have a large, wonderful family and you deserve to enjoy all of that.
Stay strong- hugs. ❤️
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Thank you everyone just being able to talk to someone really helps x
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Hi Dasey
Stay strong it’s a hard road
But unconditional love for your son may not be helping him
Look after yourself my sober son begged me to stop helping his brother as he thought he was killing me
I’m in a better place now and my son has been mostly sober for quite a while
Love and hugs
X
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Hi , im so sorry ???? my son 32 has a massive weed coccaine problem , he’s had failed relationships due to his paranoia and disgusting Verbal abuse , he is very aggressive and has broken several things smashed doors etc ,, his temper has always been a problem from the age of about 12 , toward siblings , his outburst are utterly vile and heartbreaking ,, I have had to tell him to go , he had an argument with his sister that escalated , he doesn’t seem to be able to argue without abuse and taking it way to far , abuse and threats in front of anyone he doesn’t care , he is in Denial of his coke problem but acknowledged his cannabis problem , I’m worried sick now and terrified il loose him , my husband of 33 years completed suicide 7 years ago we have 5 children altogether all adult now , I’m so scared he will do the same , statistically he is a high risk now anyway let alone me throwing him out ????, I cannot tolerate it anymore I’m broken ,, he can be so loving but his outburst are awful I feel so ashamed I just am beside myself ,
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Nowsthetime- I am so sorry to hear all the pain you have suffered with the loss of your husband and your son’s addiction/anger. You have been through so much.
I hope you can find some strength and peace with this forum of moms who are all trying to get by.
I think we are all broken people and people with PTSD. I believe we are stronger together and can help each other through.❤️
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Thank you so much for you’re reply , I’ve had such a low day today , he called still angry and abusive normally a few hours after his outbursts he’s quiet , this has been since last Friday ! He is still raging and can not see he has done anything wrong never takes accountability ! Well I think he does inwardly that’s the rage ????, it was lovey to see you’re reply Thankyou ,,
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You cannot predict what is going to happen and neither should you feel guilty for making your son leave. You have to self care. Nobody should live in fear of another human’s actions. Do not feel guilty you have done the right thing, right for everyone, even your addicted child. Thinking of you xx
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Thank you so much , I’ve had a rubbish day ????????I really needed to hear that , bless you thank you xxx
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I had one of those last week. Tonight my son tried to con me out of money again saying he needed to put electric on the meter. I stood my ground and said no. This from the son who was supposed to watch his own son play in an important football tournament last Sunday but decided to get drunk instead paid for by us, the tax payer after he had lied to the job centre about needing emergency funding for food …. I get it. Hang in there your 10 year old will thank you one day and if your other son straightens out he may well thank you too xxx
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Hi Februarymarie
I think you are right
I’ve been unable to move forward
I’m not sure if it is PTSD
I feel so unsettled and not interested in my life I have some more health issue and more family problems
Not addiction related
My son is doing well but I’m not
X
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Hi Joanie59, I’m sure you have PTSD among other things. But I also think there’s a sense of depression that overcomes you when they’re finally doing well. It’s almost like you’re emotionally and physically exhausted after all you went through. And there’s no guarantee that it will last, so that’s a worry too.
My son is currently still doing well and I’m so grateful for that. I just can’t let my mind go to the thought of relapse- I get overcome with fear. I also have Covid right now and I’m so glad I didn’t get it while things were bad. There are many moms who have had to deal with Covid while they’re dealing with all their son’s issues.
I’m sorry that your health hasn’t been so great. It’s like once things calm down, you realize the serious toll it took on you. I hope you can separate yourself from your family’s problems enough to try and recover yourself. ❤️❤️❤️
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Hi February Marie
I’m glad your son is doing well
It’s such a relief not to be on high alert all the time
I do think I’m suffering a reaction to the last 2 years
Like you I had Covid is seem that I am weak but I’m getting on with things as best I can
I had to have a biopsy on my leg
Privately because as usual the health service is so behind
when I rang in June to see where I was on the list they said they are just doing January’s urgent referrals
I had the money so paid to see someone I had it done yesterday
Results in 2 weeks
I not sure I can cope with much more
I just need to be strong
Like all us mums on here
I haven’t told my son
Protecting him from the real world
Take care
Thank you for replying x x ????
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So sorry to read this. I hope your results are positive. Self care must be your main priority. X
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Hi Joanie59. I’m sorry to hear about your biopsy. I pray the results will be good!
Penny is right. Self care must be paramount right now. You gave so much to your son to get him well- I hope he sees it. While he’s doing alright, I would try and rejuvenate as best as you can. None of us knows what’s around the corner. Maybe you should tell him about your health concerns. He really ought to show some care and worry about you for a change.
Keep us posted- hugs to you. ❤️
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Hello Everyone, I haven’t signed into this forum for a while and just wanted to say welcome to the newcomers and for sharing their stories and pain. So much of the contents of your stories are familiar to me. I am estranged from my addict son after years of enabling and being scared to let go in fear of the consequences. My experiences include prison/child protection proceeings/restraining orders due to behaviours associated with addiction so I am in tune with your shared experiences. The pain remains with me and is a permanent source of heartache. I sometimes wonder if I hadn’t enabled for so long (paying baliffs/rent arrears/doing laundry/buying food as I didn’t want him to be hungry) that there may have been an earlier opportunity for him to change. As the situation stands now, he is living away from his children and that really hurts as I am sure you will understand. Anyway, please, please take care of yourselves and set boundaries as so many others have advised. I fully appreciate how difficult it is to do this when there is associated behaviours.
I continue to have hope but I am looking after myself now . Please take care and seek strength from this forum where you can (as I have and continue to do).
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Thank you for your reply ,, I feel for you , it’s so very hard but you are so right ,, as heartbreaking and terrifying as it is we have to let go xxmuch love to all
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Hi I have just joined this forum although my son has been an addict for years. He is a cocaine and sometimes crack addict. He doesn’t live with me he lives with his gf, he is constantly asking me for money and even knocks me up at 1 or 2 o’clock in the morning for money lying saying its for fuel or cigarettes. Yesterday I gave him 60 pound for food for him and gf. Then he knocked me up at 1.30 for 15 pound for fuel he said. I am sick of it he never stops everyday he asks. When I say no he becomes aggressive, he has punched holes in my doors and last night threatened to smash my house till in the end I gave in. I said some horrible things to him like I hate him he is a leach sucking all my money. He then blamed me for everything even though he had c9me to my house and woke me up
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Hi I have just joined this forum although my son has been an addict for years. He is a cocaine and sometimes crack addict. He doesn’t live with me he lives with his gf, he is constantly asking me for money and even knocks me up at 1 or 2 o’clock in the morning for money lying saying its for fuel or cigarettes. Yesterday I gave him 60 pound for food for him and gf. Then he knocked me up at 1.30 for 15 pound for fuel he said. I am sick of it he never stops everyday he asks. When I say no he becomes aggressive, he has punched holes in my doors and last night threatened to smash my house till in the end I gave in.
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Hi so sorry to read this, you shouldn’t live in fear, ever, this is a form of domestic violence. If he does it again call the police. Your son is no longer your son, he is owned by his addictions. He has to be held responsible for the crimes he commits whilst addicted. It’s really hard I know, but it’s the best advice I can give you at the moment. You need to look after you first and not enable him any more either through guilt or fear. X
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Reading this is so sad, I’m really sorry that you are having such a tough time. I agree with everything that Penny has said. We still love our sons, but even in recovery, I don’t think they are the same people that they once were. Your son is in raging addiction, and what you are going through is awful. If you had no money you wouldn’t be able to help him, and if you carry on like this, its where you will end up. Collectively we’ve spent thousands and thousands propping up our kids and I don’t know how much it has helped.
Please get help for yourself, talk to Drugsfam, they have a great helpline and will help you to feel less alone and find a way forward. If you are in danger from your son, then you need to tell someone – don’t be afraid to let the Police know what is happening. There’s no easy answers because all of the support services seem to be overwhelmed right now, but we are here for you.
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Hi Fed up mom, welcome to the forum. I’m sorry to hear what you are going through, I can hear the frustration and anguish in your letter. I hope that you can find strength in all the moms here who understand what you are going through.
You do not have to take abuse. We are moms and we give and give, and unfortunately with an addict, it is not helpful and sometimes even harmful as we enable their addiction by too much help. I know, I’ve done it.
I agree with Kate, if you’re not ready to call the police on your son, just take it a step at a time and start small- maybe by just telling him that you will no longer give him money. It’s very hard because you must stick to it or it means nothing and if you give in, then they just up the abuse until you do.
You have a right to your own life and peace. You have a right to enjoy your other children- they matter too. I also have three children and my son’s siblings told me the same, that they have suffered by all the care I have given to him, and really that’s not fair to them either. It’s so hard.
But you can’t please everyone, so you must start with yourself. Perhaps you can read about addiction, and about enabling- it’s eye opening. What would be normal mother behavior for any other child, is enabling to an addict.
Stay as strong as you can and start small, but just begin. That’s how change can happen- for you. We are all here for you. ❤️
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Thank you for your kind words. I know I need to ring the police, but it is so hard to do that to your own son. I think eventually it will come to that. Luckily didn’t hear from him yesterday but that’s what he does. I have started telling people what he’s doing to me to shame him. My eldest son doesn’t speak to me anymore as he can’t understand why I give him money. My daughter says I have to live with it until I learn to stop giving in to him. He asks her as well but she says no and he accepts it.
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They know who will give in and hand over cash. It is so hard to call the police on your own child I was never able to do it. It is easier to say no to the cash though. Your other children worry about what they see your son doing to you x
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Hi Kate1
Your right they have it all down to a fine art. I stay strong sometimes and don’t give it. But its when he comes in the middle of the night and I have work in the morning and it’s just seems the only way to get rid of him.
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Hi Kate1
Your right they have it all down to a fine art. I stay strong sometimes and don’t give it. But its when he comes in the middle of the night and I have work in the morning and it’s just seems the only way to get rid of him.
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Hi kate1.
Your right they do know who they can get money off. I have set myself a goal of not answering the door and not falling for his excuses for money.
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Hi kate1.
Your right they do know who they can get money off. I have set myself a goal of not answering the door and not falling for his excuses for money.
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Thank you for your kind words. It has helped reading everyone’s comments. I know I have to be strong and not give anymore, you never think this would happen to you. That your child could do this. I find that my son is on my mind from the minute I get in bed and my first thought when I wake up. I need to stop this and concentrate on myself. It doesn’t help I live alone so don’t have anyone to share this with. My partner died young and I have never remarried.
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Fed up mom- it is really shocking. I think we all have that problem of thinking of them constantly. The sad part is that it changes nothing with them, and makes us stressed out. I’m sorry that you’re alone in all this. I don’t know if you’re interested, but I see a counselor and I find it so helpful. I have a husband- he is not the father of my children and it’s very easy for him to disconnect from it, so I actually feel alone sometimes too. Being alone is all the more reason to take care of yourself.
And hopefully this forum will help you not feel so alone. Honestly, even friends and family members if they are there for us, really don’t understand the insanity and pain of this all..
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February marie
Your so right my other son thinks it’s simple just stop giving money, I’ve tried so many times, he always comes up with something to make me feel guilty or threatens to do something if I don’t give in. I don’t sleep well as I worry he will turn up in the night I now suffer with anxiety he is my trigger. I need to beat this and not give in. I didn’t realise until I came on this forum how wide spread it is. Not that I want this to happen to anyone but it good to know there are people who are going through or have been through the same.
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Fed up mom what about writing a letter to your son telling him how you feel and that you will not be enabling anymore and that you will support any decisions he makes to address his addictions but that is it. Sometimes writing is easier.
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Hi Penny M
Sorry but that wouldn’t work. I sent him a long txt to tell him how I felt and what he was doing to me, and how he was causing me anxiety. He rang me up shouting saying it was my fault I had anxiety I do it to myself. He’s not as bad as I make him out to be. And that I am a sad lonely old woman who no one likes and says even your own kids don’t want to talk to you. I have told him they don’t speak to me because of him. And he says why I havent done anything its what you tell them. Nothing is his fault its all mine according to him. I see your point it is easier to write it down but tried and failed. I am going to work at the one step at a time and stick to no money as that is my down fall. I keep giving in
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What you described with your son coming around in the middle of the night and threatening to smash the house up is terrifying (sorry if I misunderstood that). You know your own son and what is likely to happen, but if you think you are in danger from him you do need to act on that, and put your safety first.
I am really sorry to think of you dealing with this on your own, its hard to refuse them cash when they are stood in front of you demanding it, but they have no control and will take everything, and when its all gone.
If you live in a city there are family groups that mutually support each other, or online if there isn’t one where you live. Famanon list them and I think that Adfam and Drugsfam do as well. It doesn’t solve it but it somehow gives you strength to draw on when you are being worn down by all of this.
Good luck
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Hi Fed up mom, please know this is not your fault. These insults he throws at you are the addiction talking and it wants what it wants and it doesn’t care about feelings. Don’t internalize these awful words, it’s hard not to, but my son has told me straight up to not listen to the things he says while intoxicated. It used to hurt me so bad, but now I try to remember that.
Something that helped me is to step back and read your own posts and pretend that this is someone else. You would look at that poor woman and say that she should not put up with this! And you don’t have to either. Another thing that helped me to stop giving my son money is that my counselor told me that every time I give him money or bail him out somehow, I am prolonging his addiction- ouch. But it’s true, they need to have a reason to change, and hitting hard times is often a reason.
Perhaps you can start by telling him you love him very much, but you are not going to assist in his addiction any longer. Be prepared for him to get very nasty because he will not want to be told no. My son told me I was abandoning him, and I didn’t love him, and he was going to be homeless etc. You could tell him that you will be turning off your phone during the night because you need your rest for work. Tell him if shows up at your house banging on the door, you will not answer and if he doesn’t stop, you will call the authorities and that will be on him. I continued to tell my son that I loved him and that I am here for him, but not in that way anymore.
You matter too and you need some semblance of peace in your life. I’ll be praying for you. ❤️
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Hi everyone
I hope things are ok for you all
Fed up Mum sounds pretty much like us all dealing with our sons
I’m so sorry we all know the drill
My son is absolutely great
Busy sober he is working
Helping his daughter he been here for a few day
He’s a different person he’s cheerful and funny
Fragile as it may be I’m over the moon
Me not so much
I’ve been in hospital to have a Basel skin cancer removed
And a for a skin graft to help heal the wound
I went private because I was 2 months waiting even to be seen on the NHS still waiting for an apt since May
I’m bandaged from my thigh to my toes and in quite a bit of pain
I’m finding it difficult not to be angry
I feel I’ve had so much to content with this seems so unfair
I’m so tired with the pain killers and the worry
It’s a case of why me
Anyway bandages will come of in a week so all I can do is sit here with my leg up
I really hope things are good with all the mums on here
Love and hugs x x
Joanie
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Joanie- I’m so sorry that your test results weren’t what you were hoping for and that you had to have surgery.
I’m glad your son is doing great- at least that keeps some of the stress down for you.
There are so many different emotions to deal with long term with us moms.
I really hope you can rest and take this time to just care for yourself. Hugs ❤️
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Hi all,
Joanie- sorry to hear that you’re feeling poorly after your op. I agree with February, at least with your son doing so well, you can concentrate on your own recovery and recuperation.
I’m so pleased to hear he’s doing well- it makes such a difference not having to worry so much.
My son is a year into his recovery and for that I thank God!
He has his stresses and anxiety but his CA/AA coping strategies kick in to get him through the difficult days.
I think and pray for us all on this forum daily. Although we’re all at different stages with our loved ones, we still have the support of each other and for that I will always be eternally grateful to you all. I had you wonderful ladies when I had no one who could truly understood what addiction does to a family.
Thinking of you all and your loved ones on this thread. ❤️
Lx
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You really feel on your own with addiction because nobody talks about it. It’s embarrassing and you don’t want the people round you to know. You hide it from family because you don’t want them to hate the person that’s got the addiction. We all cope the best we can
One thing to remember is there’s lots of us struggling. We all suffer but everyone is here to support. Always someone on here to talk to. Sending love to everyone x
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Joanne59
Thank you for thinking of me when your suffering yourself. I hope you get well soon, and so pleased your son is doing well. Its lovely to know there are people here to talk to God bless you all
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To all the worried mums thinking of their sons.
I am new to this group. I thought I was alone until I read this thread. We had to ask my 19 year old son to leave after his behaviour was too intolerable. His addiction took over. Its all he wants. Nothing else matters to him. Last time I saw him he had a broken nose and two black eyes. My heart is broken, shattered. I feel grief, a sadness and pain I carry around with me. Has anyone got a success story to share?
My happy ending would be my son asking for support, he comes home, gets over his addiction, gets therapy for his adhd, he finds happiness, a job, friends and I get my son back in my life. I’d do anything to make this happen. Do things turn out well for some? I’d love to hear some positivity to give me strength. Love to you all, best wishes x
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To all the worried mums thinking of their sons.
I am new to this group. I thought I was alone until I read this thread. We had to ask my 19 year old son to leave after his behaviour was too intolerable. His addiction took over. Its all he wants. Nothing else matters to him. Last time I saw him he had a broken nose and two black eyes. My heart is broken, shattered. I feel grief, a sadness and pain I carry around with me. Has anyone got a success story to share?
My happy ending would be my son asking for support, he comes home, gets over his addiction, gets therapy for his adhd, he finds happiness, a job, friends and I get my son back in my life. I’d do anything to make this happen. Do things turn out well for some? I’d love to hear some positivity to give me strength. Love to you all, best wishes x
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Imagine dragon.
I also had to kick my son out.
Same as you his behaviour was intolerable and i had a young son in the house. Everyone with experience in addiction said to kick him out and I had to put the rest of us first.
I dont beleive what I did was wrong. I did bang on alot of doors such as the council for housing etc but only through ringing every charity in homelessness and addiction did I stumble le on where he is now.
He has been clean since February and working.
He has me blocked on his phone and wont see me but I hope one day he sees what I did as the actions of a mum who wanted the best for him.
So is this a success story as u asked for..well hes clean and on new years day he almost died of an overdose so its alot better than it was. But I’m. Mindful that he has relapsed before and I now know that he will always be an addict even if he is in recovery.
We have just returned from holiday and it’s the first where I havnt been a stressed out nervous wreck and taking calls from police landlords
and allsorts. Yes theres a sadness and worry but compared to where we have been at the moment it’s ok. I’ve realised that I have to keep the worry in check I actually am more worries about my 10 yr old who hasnt got any friends or playdates thanks to judgy middle class mums who have gossuped about my eldest son and my situation.
Anyone who says how cld she kick him out hasnt walked in my shoes…but the negative affect of addiction on the wider family is still present.
I am so grateful for the support on this page because I know I wld be forever blaming myself what awful mum I am yet I know none of us on here have done anything to deserve this.
The system needs to change this is all a product of poor mental health but as soon as drugs and alcohol are thrown into the mix noone seems to want to help.
So imagine dragon there is hope and you must hope as sadly with addicted live ones that’s all we sometimes have to cling onto.
My son is only 23 and when he was 19 like you I never thought he wld change. Just keep hoping and praying.
Joanie I hope u feel better soon I had basal cell last summer..let’s face it we have enough to deal with without anything else! Focus on you.
Lindyloo I feel I’ve known your situation for a while along with other regulars on this thread..a year is fabulous enjoy everyday of peace. Well done to your son!!
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Thank you Bump, so good to hear from you! I’m so pleased that you’re son is still in recovery and working, that’s wonderful news.
I’m sure he’ll come round, lads take a wee while to mature at the best of times!
You sound like you’re in a happier place, with your health too and getting a holiday would have done you the world of good!
I understand what you mean about the negative effect that’s been left on the family. It’s almost like ptsd , looking over your shoulder, waiting for whatever to happen.
Trying to push the bad memories away..
Shame on those Snooty mums!! They don’t know the half of it – Bump, you can hold your head high- woman, you are one of the strongest people I know, along with the other great mums here.
I’m proud to have you ladies in my life.
Keep strong, sending much love ❤️ Lx
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Dear Theresa.
Thank you for taking time to reply to my message. Your story is helpful to read.
I also have two other young children in the house (9 & 11), this was part of the reason he had to go. They couldn’t witness his behaviour or have to smell the weed.
I feel as if I’ve chosen my daughters over my son, which feels unnatural and tormenting but I tried so, so hard to give him chance after chance, opportunity after opportunity. I had no choice as we were all at breaking point as a family. You’re right, the ripples of his behaviour have ongoing effects.
This is a Wierd thing to say but I’ve just got home from watching ‘Elvis’ at the movies with my husband. He loved his mum so much, he respected her, wanted to help her and was a devoted son. I found myself reflecting on my son, he literally doesn’t care if I’m dead or alive. I’d do anything for my son. It nearly cost me my marriage but when he smashed his room up in front of his little sisters, and we were frightened, I knew that was it.
He doesn’t want my help, support, food, company. It feels so unnatural, painful, gut wrenching.
Theresa, your story gives me some hope. If my son was clean and working that would be a big improvement. May I ask about the homeless charities you spoke to. Was that through your local council? Thank you. It’s such a hard scenario, I can’t believe this is happening to other people too. It’s a living hell. I’m sorry to hear you feel judged by other mums. I work in a school so I try and keep it secret yet I want to shout about how desperately unfair and hurtful it is. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Theresa, I hope your son sees that what you did was out of love. I hope one day he can be in your life again. Thank you for sharing your story with me.
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Hi all, just trying to get bit of advice really.
I have been on this site few years now and have found it a great comfort when feeling alone when things at there worst with my son.
I read so many of your sons have been in treatment or getting help but what do I do if my son never will? I feel like I am allowing him to kill himself and I am doing nothing and as a mum feel like total failure I can’t drag him to doctor or drug adviser I have begged time and time again 11 years now since he was 14 , people tell me over the years when he hits rock bottom he will get help but he’s hit rock bottom lots of times and still won’t get help I will never put him out of my house what can I do it s breaking my heart
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Jennifer68 I am so very sorry to read this. You have partly answered your own question. You say he has hit rock bottom many times on the one hand and then say you will never kick him out on the other hand. He hasn’t hit rock bottom whilst he has a roof over his head and everything that goes with that. Sadly, we have all been here and it’s only when you realise that you are enabling the addictions by providing a safety net that you get the strength to ask them to leave. Every professional I have ever talked to from psychiatrists to psychologists to drug and alcohol counsellors say the same thing. Do not enable, do not feed them, do not provide a safe place, do not pay their bills etc etc because whilst you are doing that they are very unlikely to seek help. I am sorry if this sounds harsh I don’t intend to be, I have learnt the hard way, years of enabling my son which in turn made me and many of us on this forum ill, physically and mentally.
I can only advise you to seek professional advice for yourself to help you make informed decisions ones that aren’t affected by the emotions that come with being the parent of an addict.
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I think I enabled my son because I didn’t want him to lose his job or home. I always hoped he’d pull it around and he did try but the scum who wanted his money were never going to leave him alone. In hindsight I should have let him suffer consequences. As he got older it felt like it would damage him more. I’m not sure but I think he would have taken his life earlier. Work was his only bit of normality. I do wish now I had let him really hit rock bottom but had there been the same outcome I would feel worse than I do now. There is no easy answer
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Can I ask does your son work?
When you say you wont put him out then I’m afraid to say you are enabling him.
Anything we do in life to help them including putting a roof over their head enables them to continue without the harsh consequences for example of losing their accommodation.
He probably knows that no matter how low he gets hes always got mum there and she wont kick me out so he always has a roof over his head and food in his tummy. That I’m afraid is not rock bottom.
I feel your pain but what consequences has he had to face when u say he has been at rock bottom?
Or is it that u feel its rock bottom but actually it isnt for him?
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It’s so hard you know what you should do, but when they sit in front of you crying to help them. You do then have hope again. To the next time you realise you’ve been manipulated again and enabled them again.
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Yes exactly right. We’ve all been there. The promises and then going back on it when they have what they want. I never wanted to think of my son as an addict but that is what he was. Doesn’t stop me loving him but the constant dramas were so wearing
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Hi Kate1 it is always one drama to another and constantly saying I want to change but I need money cos I am in trouble. Its so hard to say no as you always have hope that this time will be the one. I get so angry and tell him I want nothing to do with him, then he pulls on my love as a mother, it’s cruel really as they are using your love against you
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Yes I recognise all that. It’s heartbreaking. We lose our children to this illness
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Kate 1. So sad to read your post. I’ve read it twice because you describe my biggest fear.
I hope it isn’t incentive to talk about my son after what you’ve endured but I’m having a problem saying no to his request for £10 a day for food. I thought “£10 can’t hurt him” but I’ve discovered you can buy gear with £10. I’m worried I’m enabling him. I’ve kicked him out 3 months ago. Hes lost job after job after just days. Yesterday he lost a job after just 2 hours.
I’ve tried to talk to him about changing but he’s not interested. I guess my whole point of this message was to acknowledge enabling. You feel like it’s the right thing. It’s so so hard to say no and so far, I’m unable to say no.
All this is so hard. It’s a dark world that most people are oblivious too.
How are you coping Kate 1? Sending best wishes and kindness to you.
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Hi Imagine Dragon- it is all very hard. I’m sure that you are doing the best you can, don’t be too hard on yourself. Loving an addict is an impossible situation that we as family members are not at all equipped for. For me, I had to stop enabling in small ways. It was the only way I could do it for my own sanity. You can find the strength to do small things that help him to face his own consequences.
The food thing is very hard. I would actually get my son groceries rather than giving him the money for groceries. It’s a small way of having some control that he won’t use your “gift” for his addiction. At the time, my son didn’t want groceries at all. He wanted money and you can imagine why. You could also put him in touch with local food banks where he could pick up some things. My son would never have done that either. He wanted money and he wanted it for alcohol.
Continue to strengthen yourself so you can have the resolve you need as time goes by. Hugs. ❤️
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Thank you for thinking of me. How old is your son. I would not say enabling is the right thing it’s just I kept trying and hoping this time he would pull it round. The people who took his money were never going to let him go. My fear was homelessness and what he would then do. My son always knew I loved him. Whatever I did I could not help him. I do know you need to take care of yourself as they drag us down with them. I don’t think there’s a right or wrong way to help them they have to be strong enough and want their lives back. I miss my son every minute of every day but I know he felt he could not get away from this lifestyle and those awful people. X
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Kate1. My son is 19. We had to kick him out 3 months ago. He says he’s just taking weed but it’s taken over his whole life. He’s lost his friends, home and job due to weed. Coupled with his adhd, it’s a toxic combination. He smashes things up and speaks to others with such disrespect, its embarrassing.
Anyway, just wanted to say I’m thinking of you and I hope you find some comfort in your other family members x
Im so sorry, your story is so sad. It is very kind of you to reply to others and tell your story and give support to others.
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I understand. Everyone’s story is the same. They all become manipulative. Destructive and disrespectful but our love for our children binds us and we become prisoners of their addiction as well. Waiting for the next drama to unfold. Stay strong xx
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Kate 1. So sad to read your post. I’ve read it twice because you describe my biggest fear.
I hope it isn’t incentive to talk about my son after what you’ve endured but I’m having a problem saying no to his request for £10 a day for food. I thought “£10 can’t hurt him” but I’ve discovered you can buy gear with £10. I’m worried I’m enabling him. I’ve kicked him out 3 months ago. Hes lost job after job after just days. Yesterday he lost a job after just 2 hours.
I’ve tried to talk to him about changing but he’s not interested. I guess my whole point of this message was to acknowledge enabling. You feel like it’s the right thing. It’s so so hard to say no and so far, I’m unable to say no.
All this is so hard. It’s a dark world that most people are oblivious to.
How are you coping Kate 1? Sending best wishes and kindness to you.
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Hi sorry taken so long to reply to your posts but been hectic week and sometimes you have to read through the comments and take them all in slowly.
My son does work but has had so many jobs some last a couple weeks some couple months depending on the employer cause he probably only works 2 or 3 days out of 5 day working week depending on what state he gets in that week and I know I am enabling him but you ladies are much stronger than me over the years friends family and professionals have told me if something happens to him if I put him out my home it’s not my fault but I simply can’t bring myself to take that risk I have lost so many family members in my life I can’t lose my son so maybe I have no right to even complain about the life I live as I choose to put up with it.
11 years I have lived this way it’s kind of normal now sadly cause it really isn’t normal!
But you go to work everyday as if nothing wrong when you may of been up Al night dealing with a person off their head either drunk or drugged up you deal with drug dealers at the door I really wish I could put him out I have been close but always back down I admire you all who have taken that decision maybe one day I will have strength to do it but thanks for your advice it’s such a help having this forum x
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Good morning lovely ladies
You are all wonderful people who love and adore your children, even if they are all grown up and should be independent adults.
Addiction is a disease, it turns our beauties into something we do not recognise. I do believe they still love us but the addiction is stronger, I know they feel shame about their behaviour, but continue to behave like it because the need for that drug is too great.
They are lost inside a body that is being ravaged by drugs, no more dignity, no more shame, but the guilt is I am sure in abundance.
Unfortunately they do not all come through, some overdose, some resort to suicide in pure fear and desperation. My friend lost her son to suicide two weeks ago because he could no longer live with the need to use and the fear of the dealers.
I feel very very blessed that something happened to my son and he decided he hated his life and sought help from an amazing charity and did 7 months in rehab with an open door policy. Set up by an ex addict who said to me that no matter how much you beg an addict to get help, they will only do it when they are ready. Otherwise it is unlikely to be successful. My son had tried rehabs before upon pressure from me and always relapsed but I am very proud to say he is now 13 months clean.
I still worry, not the same deep rooted fear of will he come home tonight, will he have another seizure and his body give up, will the dealers catch up with him and give him a hiding, will he do something degrading just to earn some money to feed his habit, will he chuck in the towel on his life because he no longer wants to live in this world. I now worry, that he’s going to resort back to this, every time he comes home late I worry he has succumbed to the demon drugs.
But I do need to stop because I also know it is not within my control to change anything but I can choose to live my life and enjoy my other three children who are independent adults and wonderful and I am just about to become a nana. So excited for this ♥️
So lovelies, I hope you all have peaceful weekends, remember it’s ok not to be ok, and don’t hang your heads, our kids have a disease that we are not in control of. The scum are the dealers not our kids xx
Much love and hugs to you all ♥️
Kate, you are an amazing lady ♥️
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Thank you. Everything you say is right. My thoughts are with your friend I know how she will be feeling. Tell her to call the compassionate friends when she is ready they were a great support to me. I am happy your son is doing well. How I wish I could turn the clock back but I can’t I know my son loved me. He wasn’t a bad person it was the addiction and the scum who would not leave him alone. Now I wait till I can see him again but in the meantime I somehow have to lead a life for my daughter and grandchildren one of whom is his. Xx praying for you all
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Your story is amazing. What a great place to be. I hope more of us can be in your shoes one day. Enjoy. ????????????
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Hi Lou
Thank you for your lovely, inspirational and positive post! So pleased that your son is doing so well- such a relief for you. Congratulations on the baby news!
Everything you said reflects everyone here.
My son is also 13/14 months into his recovery. I can’t tell you what a relief it is. I also feel that ‘deep rooted fear’ like I’m always looking over my shoulder. He still has anxiety and stress to a point, but he has strategies and support from his CA groups and meetings.
But I agree we have to concentrate on other members of our family and ourselves.
Joanie- so pleased your son is still doing well. I’ll keep you in my prayers as I do everyone here.
Kate- always in my thoughts ❤️
Have a good weekend all
Lx ❤️
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Hi all
I’ve just been catching up with the thread I’m sorry for everyone who is struggling
The weeks go by and we all do our best to get through them I’m waiting to go back to the hospital to have my bandages off and redressed
I’ve been sitting with my leg up for a week after the skin cancer removal and skin graft
It’s not the best thing to do when your mind is racing
But my sober son has phoned me everyday and just text to say hope it goes alright
He is a different person I actually like him again
So to all you mums dealing with your sons don’t lose hope
I never thought my son would turn the corner but he has
He’s working hes helping his daughter through her troubles
He going to counselling once a week
He’s starting to socialise
Hes put weight on and looks well
This is after 30 years of drinking and being a total nightmare
Sending love and good wishes to you all
Please pray for me and that my leg will heal
Joanie x x
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Your news gives hope. Thank you for sharing. Hope you get better soon, sorry to hear about your leg. Great news about your son, must feel lovely to have nice conversations once again ???? enjoy this time.
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Hi Everyone the enabling thing is so difficult. My son’s tenancy comes to an end next month, his dad and I have paid 7 months rent in the city where his better friends are. In that time he’s found good freelance work, met his deadlines and has slowly improved the state of the flat, which looked pretty horrific until about 2 weeks ago. Very little money has come back towards costs and he hasn’t shown me what he’s earning. He has cut down on heroin use and socialises with better people but won’t commit to engaging with services and attending meetings. His life is a lot better than 6 months ago and if we stop paying now all of those gains will have been lost. It feels like every spare penny goes on him. To really depress myself I downloaded my bank activity for last 3 years and the amounts that have gone to him are eye-watering. But I can’t have him living back here, it was really bad for him because he just lay on his bed all day and horrible for us. It almost feels worth paying to avoid that.
Joanie- That’s really good news about your son, I’m so happy for you, and it does give the rest of us hope. It’s lovely that he’s getting involved and helping his daughter.
I hope that your leg heals quickly, you’ve really been through the mill between your son and your own health problems. I hope that your son keeps going forward and you do enjoy your relationship again.
Bump – It’s great that you were able to go on holiday and not be so stressed. I’m sure in time your son will wake up to how amazing you’ve been and the impact his addiction has on your family.
Kate: I think of you and your son a lot. I know there must still be very dark days, but it’s so good that you have grandkids.
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I understand how you feel. At least he’s got a roof over his head and appears bit better. Could you offer to pay half the rent and he pays the rest. Need to try to gently move him on but we’ll done. It’s positive. It appears you are all hopefully moving forward xx love to you
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Kate: so not long after writing this, £500 turned up in my account from my son, which was a lovely surprise and a step in the right direction.
Have I hope everyone has a peaceful weekend xxx
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Hi Jem
That’s great news -definitely a step in the right direction.
So pleased our lads are finding the strength to beat addiction, and strive to improve their lifestyle. Its not easy and every day is a battle.
Time for you hopefully.
Lx
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That’s fantastic news Jem. I hope to be in your shoes one day. How long did it take for him to want to change? (Kicked my son out 3 months ago.) Enjoy the time talking to your son.
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Thanks lindyloo.
Yes in a better place.
Holiday was great..forst time I havnt felt so stressed and long covid getting better too.
Imagine dragon my son also has made me feel.like I’ve chosen.my younger so over him.
But it’s not the case.
I live near london so just rang London homeless charities and explained about .y son being homeless and his addiction issues and kept being signposted elsewhere and eventually dpu d somewhere who cld help him…so draining that this ep isnt so easily accessible and I had to hunt for it.
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Thank you for your reply bump22. My gosh, it’s relentless isn’t it? . Doing all this chasing and seeking help and they don’t appreciate it. I’d love my son to be ready to change, like these other ladies are saying.
Today ivve tried to enjoy the company of my 9 year old and not worry too much about my 19 year old son.
The worry will still be there tomorrow.
Just to echo what a fellow mum said, let’s hope we have a peaceful weekend. Take care x
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Hi ladies- Lindyloo, Joanie, Lou, it’s so good to read your posts! I’m so glad that your sons are doing well, hats off to them! Jem, it sounds like your son is trying. I’m sure it’s harder than we all know for them to make these changes.
I’m glad to say that my son is doing well still too. I saw him today for lunch and he looked so good. We talked a lot about how’s he’s doing. He’s been sober for a few months, but to us, that’s so wonderful. He is seeing two different addiction counselors. He is actually taking responsibility for his life and where he is. My middle daughter is coming in town and she wants to see him and he’s so happy about that. My youngest daughter met us for a lunch a couple of weeks ago, and we kept it light and it went well. As you all recall, they haven’t spoken to him for a couple of years. I pray our family can heal- it’s been rough.
Addiction is truly a disease, and I do believe that in the beginning stages, there’s probably some choice in the matter, but when they get heavy in to the addiction, they’re fighting every day to stop and it’s so very hard. I told him today that I’m actually grateful that there is still some choice in this disease, because he was able to say, ” I can’t do this anymore”. He’s very apologetic. I told him this is a part of our life and we can’t bury it- we just have to live it and accept it and talk about it when we need to. Our journey continues and who knows what will happen?
I have learned so much from everyone here. There is so much strength here. When I didn’t think I could find the strength to set some boundaries, the stories of nannyger, Bump, and Penny who have had to make very hard choices to help themselves and their sons too. And making these hard choices doesn’t mean you don’t love them or are not a good mom. Lindyloo has always been of voice of kindness and reminded me that you can show them kindnesses in ways that you are comfortable with. And Kate1 really helped me change my whole perspective- that you can love them no matter what- even in their addiction.
For the ladies who are still struggling, we are all here together and it’s only possible to live in the day. What works for one person, is not even possible for another. We find strength in each other. We did not ask for this life, but here we are. Love to you all! ❤️
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Imagine dragon out of interest where is your son now? Has he got accommodation?
Your same situation as me it was a no brainer not to have a grown adult son in the house with a 10 year old when they have those issues.
I think at 19 theres so much immaturity and he will have his wake up call.
I do beleive making the decision sooner rather than later to kick my son out speeded things up and so got him to that wake up call moment sooner rather than later..but it wasnt straight away.
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Hi BUMP22. After being kicked out he spent two weeks at a friend’s, then tried to rent a house (he had a job for 5 months prior) but he only lasted 2 weeks in the rented house then got evicted. Assume for drugs and untidiness. Then he moved in to some flat with “loads of other people passing through” . Still in same town as us.
He asks me for £10 every day. I feel like a fool if I give him money but then I know he can get food. He has no job now.
He said he’d rather live in a dirty squat than with us and our rules.(my only rules were no drugs and some respect).
I don’t know what it would take to get him to change but he’s not there yet. What a waste of my handsome, smart son, now looking like a gaunt tramp.
Anyway, I mustn’t rabble on!! Once I start venting on here, it’s hard to stop ????
You ladies with better news, it’s good of you to still come online and share your stories. It gives people like me hope x
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Imagine dragon out of interest where is your son now? Has he got accommodation?
Your same situation as me it was a no brainer not to have a grown adult son in the house with a 10 year old when they have those issues.
I think at 19 theres so much immaturity and he will have his wake up call.
I do beleive making the decision sooner rather than later to kick my son out speeded things up and so got him to that wake up call moment sooner rather than later..but it wasnt straight away.
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Hi everyone. Sadly, I have to report that my son has relapsed after 4 months of sobriety. He was doing so well. I don’t actually even know what happened. I called him since it had been about a week since we had talked, and I got back one of his mean and nasty texts that I was suspicious and judging him and I was a sinner. Those of you who have followed my story know that this is his pattern. I tried to shake it off, but it really hurt even though I know what is going on. He’s spent the last 4 months apologizing for all those times and here we are again. The only thing I know is that his ex-fiance (from 11 years ago) called him which I find very odd. She remarried long ago. I suspect my son called or posted something on her social media and that prompted a call.
It’s so sad because both of his sisters have seen him because he’s been doing so well and it’s been years since they’ve seen him and it went well when he saw each of them. And my youngest daughter even invited him to her kid’s upcoming birthday and he hasn’t seen them for 3+ years.
I’ve been trying to be pragmatic about it and remind myself that this is how it goes, but I’m pretty deflated. Despite his text last night that I am evil, I reached out today and urged him to go to the hospital and get on top of this before he has a seizure. I haven’t told anyone, because everyone has been rooting for him and I just can’t bring myself to say anything in case he can get it together- so I carry it alone except for you all. ❤️
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Hi February Marie, so sorry to read this. If it’s any consolation, my son had several relapses, one after 4months and another after 6 months.
I really feel for you, as you just feel that everyone is back on track with their lives and it’s back to stage one. It IS a blip- it’s so hard for them , every day is a battle.
He has to be so strong, and I guess we have to be strong fir them too, no matter how tough the situation is.
Have you read Kulstars story- I was emotional when I read it, he’s in recovery atm. Offers great advice and support.
Thinking and praying for us all always ????
Stay strong, have faith February Marie
Lx ❤️
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Hi Februarymarie, I really hope this is a blip and that your son sees how much better life can be sober. He’s proved to himself that he can do it, 4 months is a real achievement, so I’m sure he won’t stay down for long.
I feel for you, the disappointment and stress is awful, and I really hope things get better.
Jackie x
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Thank you Jem. I hope you’re right that he sees sobriety feels better. I’m sure that as soon as he hit the stress with his ex, he just went for what he knows- alcohol. I ran the whole gamut of emotions again, but luckily, I’m learning to keep it somewhat in check.
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Take care of yourself xxx
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Hi Februarymarie
It’s the thing we all dread so much
The addiction is so strong
I hope it’s just a bump in the road
My son relapsed last April but realised how stupid he had been and got over it himself and he been ok since we had Covid and couldn’t go running to him
It’s always in the back of your mind
That it will happen again
I get that you haven’t told anyone but it isn’t anyones shame certainly not yours and not your sons this is an illness
They seem to look for a reason to go back to the comfort of that oblivion
Real life isn’t something they want or can deal with
Try to hold on to the fact he can be sober
I’m awake at 3am and know someone will be on this site too
See what tomorrow brings keep
Telling him you care about him and that he can get back on track
I think they need us to believe in them how ever hard it is
Love and prayers for you
Joanie x x
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Thank you Joanie and Lindyloo for your kind words. I feel a bit better today. I’ve just got to be forward thinking and pray he sees the light.
Hugs to you both. ❤️
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Extra hugs to you too February ❤️
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I will check out Kulstars story.
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Hi all
This site is so helpful
So much support between us all
X x
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Hi ladies.
Sending love February Marie.
Just to echo Joanie 59’s message, this is a unique group of support.
My son, who I kicked out in May has been accepted onto the Supported Accommodation scheme with Accommodation Concern. I’m hoping he will take the support offered with the mental health workers and addition specialists. As well as learn about budgeting and basic life skills. I’m trying to be optomistic!! One day, there has to be a turning point, somehow.
I often think of my scenario as trying to throw a life saving dingy out to someone drowning at sea, but they refuse to get in it.
So, so frustrating and painful being a mum to a child with addiction.
Sending love to you all x
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Hi Imaginedragon,
That’s such good news , I really hope and pray that this will be the turning point for your son.
Yes, everyone here will agree with you, it’s very frustrating and stressful to see your loved one in such sad and difficult situations as a result of their addictions.
Hopefully he will work the 12step programme with a sponsor.
This is the only thing that worked for my son. He had a few relapses, but is currently over a year clean ! Miracles do happen- hope, strength and faith.
Use this time to take care of yourself, a bit of self love everyday no matter how small.
Keep in touch here, it’s good to share and support ????
Sending hugs
Lx ❤️
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Hi LindyLoo and all the Ladies on here,
I’m so pleased that your Son is 1 year clean, that’s amazing, you must be very proud of him.
I haven’t wrote on here for ages, always want too, but struggle to put everything down sometimes. I read all of the comments.
My situation with my Son has not improved at all, in fact I would go as far as to say it’s much worse now than it’s ever been, which of course is very sad and very frustrating.
I have had to have the Police a couple of times to him, he’s just been out of control, but unless he’s committed a crime there hands are tied. I have asked him to leave, but he keeps coming back, and if I don’t let him in he damages things, and then I have to pay to put them right, which isn’t ideal at the moment as my ex husband now wants to sell the house, which quite honestly I’m finding very hard to deal with that and everything else.
I read lots on here and think it’s wonderful. I do struggle with the “keep loving him” part, sometimes I wish he would disappear and then I wouldn’t have to cope with it all, and then I feel bad for thinking bad things.
When he is clean and sober for a few days it’s wonderful, but when the Addict takes over I absolutely hate it, I suppose you learn so much having to live with an Addict, but I don’t cope very well with it all now. I say terrible things to him, and likewise he does to me, and then the next day your meant to act normal, I find this very difficult to deal with.
He has all the tools and people to talk too, meetings are quite near and available for him to go, but I just don’t see him making any effort, he says I don’t understand, which of course I don’t, but I also think it’s about making choices, and he makes bad choices.
I really can’t see anything changing at the moment, and that fills me with dread.
I know coming on here and writing it down will help.
Thinking of you all.
Dx
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Hi DebC.
I am so sorry to read your post. I can understand the pain and frustration you feel. It’s so horrible not knowing which way to turn next.
Is your ex husband your sons father? I wondered if he could share some of this burden with you?
With regards to your living arrangements, it sounds like you are at the mercy of your son. I’m no expert but what is your line/point where you would throw him out and stick to it?
I’ve had councilling over the same issue.
What if your son continues to get even worse, will you always take him back? I’m concerned you are not going to find any peace of mind in this current situation.
Could you ask him to leave and say you’ll call the police if he causes damage again? (It’s easy to give advice when it’s not your own child, I really feel your pain and I respect its torture).
I took so much abuse, damage and manipulation from my son but the final straw was my two young daughters feeling scared as my son smashed his bedroom up because he couldnt find his I. D. Card.
I made him homeless that day. Felt awful. I’ve just got him hooked up with accommodation concern who will help him, (if he takes the help).
I’m worried about your mental health DebC – you are allowed a life too. At the moment sounds like your son it totally ruling you, no wonder it’s driving you to despair.
My heart goes out to you. These scenarios are awful and painful to the bone. It’s like a grief that goes on, and on and on.
Sending you lots of love, good luck, keep talking and reaching out x
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Hi ImagineDragon,
My ex husband is my Sons Father, but they have a very tetchy relationship, and I think part of the reason my ex left was because of our Son, who just abuses his Dad when he speaks to him, but really he’s crying out for his love, a very sad situation.
Your words really hit home about having peace of mind, and being able to get on with my life. I admire you for being able to ask your Son to leave, I know this is what I should be doing and hopefully I will have the courage to do it, I cannot go in living like we have.
It’s like being in an abusive relationship, but with your Son’ which isn’t good or right.
Thank you for your kind words, they have certainly made me think. You take care too.
Dx
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I sometimes forget how awful it all was. It’s easy to forget that part now my sons not here. I agree it’s hard to keep loving them when some of the time you hate them for what they are doing to not only them but us as well. The rudeness and disrespect. It all seems so distant now. I wish my boy was back but not like that. My thoughts are with you all. X. I’m doing some work volunteering with recovering addicts. My way of trying to help x
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Hi Kate1,
I think that’s it’s wonderful that you are doing volunteering work, I hope you find it rewarding and I’m sure they really appreciate it.
Take care.
Dx
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Hi Kate
It’s good to hear from you. I often think of you and your family.
I wish you well with the volunteering – as Deb says , it will be very rewarding for you helping these people in recovery.
Lx ❤️
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Hi Debc I’m so sorry to read this, I thought when you hadn’t posted that things were better for you.
It really is down to him to make that change. I guess you know that already though. Have you read Kulstars story- he is in recovery and posted recently about it. His story really moved me, he’s so honest about all the things that happened when he was using and the effect on his family.
I can’t imagine what it would be like to put your son out it is a very brave decision, but sometimes there’s no other way. I was fortunate my son had moved out already, but he nearly lost his job, flat, car everything…it was close.
Please look after yourself Debc, be good to yourself.
Always here to chat.
Sending hugs ❤️
Lx
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Hi Lindy loo. I’m not familiar with the 12 step programme. I’ll look it up. Thank you for your comments. I don’t give up but sometimes I feel like it. Like we all do I guess. I find myself envying mums who’s sons have turned out great. I long for that feeling of pride. Ah well, let’s see what the next chapter holds! Thanks again x
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The 12step programme is used in AA, CA and rehab groups. You can Google it. It’s called The Big Book and you go through it during counselling or a sponsor.
I’m so proud of what he’s achieved, he’s helping others now too.
I never get complacent, living with addiction has affected all of us.
It helps me to try and support others here.
Lx ❤️
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Debc, I know how you feel about the hate, I think its natural as you get fed up of being let down and lied to and no effort being put in. I Don’t see my son changing he has had lots of chances.
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Hi Fed up Mom,
It’s just so draining and I feel I can’t get on with my own life, and I think it’s affecting me now more than I realise, sometimes I just can’t be bothered to do anything and that’s very unlike me.
He says Sorry, but to the Addict I think it’s just a word, I don’t think they mean it at all.
The lies are bizarre, and I don’t really believe a word he says anymore and that’s quite sad.
I suppose we can only live in hope.
Dx
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Hi Debc
It is frustrating and I also feel my son is running my life. If I don’t hear from him I worry and when I do its for money. Its sad but I make the most of not hearing from him.
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Thinking of everyone this bank holiday.
I have so many memories of ruined holidays, but things are a bit better. My son finished a freelance art contract and came on holiday for a few days which was great. His usage is down but still has to do the big jump off heroin. He won’t be able to work to start with and this is where it gets tricky, I don’t know how it will go, because he doesn’t want to do rehab.
I am trying to appreciate the better days and just not having him sleeping his life away in a filthy room upstairs. He got an adhd diagnosis which seems to have motivated him to sort his life out and is very different on medication, his flat is actually quite tidy. We have such a long way still to go and I don’t think there is ever a point where the risks are gone, I see it now as a lifelong illness/condition where you have to make the most of the good times.
I listened to a brilliant audio book a couple of weeks ago by a chap called Matt Rowland Hill, its about his descending into heroin addiction and putting his life back together. His humour stops it from being too dark, but its worth a listen or read.
I hope that everyone gets some peace this weekend.
Lindy – your son has done brilliantly, that does give me hope.
Kate – you sound really positive, its great that you are volunteering with people in recovery, I hope your family are all doing okay.
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Thank you yes we are fine. I have lots I should be happy about and greatful for but it’s difficult to appreciate anything. I miss my son so much. I hate the thought of people taking advantage of his vulnerabilities. It’s all to much but I do hope if I can help divert even one person from this shitty existence I can feel satisfaction. Xx. I’ll try get hold of the audio book
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Hi there.
Interested to read your post. My son has had a very late adhd diagnosis age 19 this year. Unfortunately, no matter how hard I try, he refuses the medication. It’s hard to distinguish how much of his vile behaviour is unmedicayed adhd and how much of it is cannabis addiction. (He says he only uses cannabis, daily, but I’m not sure I believe him). Can I ask how receptive your son was to taking the adhd medicine? I am desperately trying to get my son to try it, at least, but he flat refuses, and he’s nasty about it too. My son does the opposite, diliberately, of what I’d like him to.
I’ve had some councilling and a most excellent book was recommended to me. I’d strongly recommend it to anyone with an adhd child. It’s called scattered minds by gabor mate. It changed my life, and understanding of his behaviour. You should read it, for sure. It helps you to help them.
Anyway, I’m off to London for the night on a theatre break. However my son has just rang to say he’s vomiting blood so I might end up having to get train home!
Love to you all. Stay strong x
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Looking at from a different angle if he diagnosed with ADHD and having a smoke relaxes him doesn’t that tell us something? We are all allowed to drink alcohol because the government benefit xx
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It’s not that simple legalising drugs is not the answer. Supporting the addict and really harsh sentencing for dealers. Although I agree if something is medically prescribed that’s different. I’m not sure cannabis is as harmless these days as maybe in the 60s. Just my thoughts. Drink is just as dangerous but it’s socially acceptable. Does it being legal decrease the numbers of alcoholics
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Alcohol is the gateway drug, most drug addicts were drinking alcohol when they first took illegal drugs as it disinhibits. Alcohol is the most dangerous drug out there, this has been scientifically verified time and time again. It will never be banned it fills the government coffers 22% or more of the price paid is tax.
I don’t see cannabis as a major problem. I work in this field and the vast majority of people using cannabis have never touched anything else and don’t want to, however that is not to say that some strains can be harmful outside of it being smoked.
It doesn’t matter whether it’s legalised or not, people will still abuse drugs or alcohol. The legislation is irrelevant, addicts are addicts and it not being widely available legally makes absolutely no difference in fact it’s worse because the crime associated with illegal drug activity or drinking is horrendous. They will find a way to get it prison being a prime example, if they can’t get drugs in they get prescription drugs and find ingenious ways of turning them into something that gives them a huge high. For example Buscopan an IBS drug was being smoked or heated up on vapes. Google it. So even when they can’t get their heroin, coke, crack or booze they will turn to something else.
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Hi Penny M,
I think you have just hit the nail on the head when you say Alcohol is the most dangerous drug out there, it all starts with alcohol.
Thank you for your insight into the personality disorder, and would you accept being treated by a friend how our adult children treat us, absolutely not.
I am looking for some counselling or chatting to someone about my Son, reading this makes me more positive.
Take care.
Dx
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I forgot to say the book is called Original Sins.
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Kate1.
Well done I am sure you will help people who need it. I take my hat off to you. Wish you success and a degree of happiness after all you’ve been through
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Hi there. I’m wondering if any parents can shed any light on effects of addiction on health. My son (age 19, daily weed addiction) has spent last 3 days complaining of health issues. He’s been unwell. His vomit had blood in it, he’s hot and cold, stabbing pains, he has also complained of losing his vision for about 20 seconds. He’s been to the doctors today but I don’t know what was discussed.
I’m wondering if he should go to hospital but think I might be over reacting. Plus getting him to cooperate will be difficult. He is homeless, not looking after himself at all. I’ve given him a bed whilst he’s ill. I think I’d be crewel to turn him away when he’s vomiting. Despite being ill, he’s still managing to get out for his daily dose. I’ve just picked him up after he said he’s lost his vision. Not sure what to do. I wondered if you ladies witnessed the health of your loved ones deteriorate? Did they go to hospital? I know the gp today listened to his chest for an infection but that wouldn’t show up much, would it?
Sorry to babble on, I guess in summary, I’m curious if there is some typical symptoms of health neglect to look out for.
Thank you to anyone who reads this and if this sounds familiar, I’m interested to hear what you did xx
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Hi Imagine Dragon,
I have asked someone who knows, and weed is unlikely to cause those symptoms so it sounds like a separate medical condition. Do you know if its got a lot worse since going to the docs? Was he coughing up blood when he went there today? If you think that he hasn’t told all of this to a doctor, I’d be inclined to try and get him to casualty if you can. Its hard, if he’s not scared by it, he probably won’t want to go. This is my experience, and your son may be very different: For quite a long time, I thought that he was doing weed, but it turned out to be other stuff as well. Its very hard to get them to open up and be honest about what is actually going on, but you might find an opportunity if he’s worried about his own health.
I know how scary this is, and how powerless you feel. Its the hardest thing, watching your child hurting themselves and not being able to do very much.
I really hope this shakes him up and he lets you get help for him.
Jackie x
I will post about the ADHD stuff when things calm down for you.
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Jem. Thank you for taking the time to reply. I have no idea what he told docs. Blood vomit was yesterday x 2. Vision problems today. I do wonder if he’s taking more than weed. He lies so much, I wouldn’t know for sure. There is lots of aggressive behaviour, nasty, nasty comments and no compassion what soever. Thought that was adhd tbh. I’m going to sleep now, it’s the only time I’m not worrying!! Thank you for your support x
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Hang in there ImagineDragon. It’s so very hard to know what to do.
Get your rest. ❤️
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Hi Imagine Dragon- I’m sorry about your son. This definitely complicates things doesn’t it? I have certainly witnessed my son’s health deteriorate drastically in the past few years. Our sons have different addictions, so I would imagine they experience different health issues. My son is an alcoholic and he was beginning to have seizures, both times I was present, once on the phone with him and I called an ambulance and the other time was in my car and I took him straight to the hospital and he was fine with that.
Blood in his vomit doesn’t sound right. I’ve heard that people who use weed can get a condition where they vomit a lot. But the blood part doesn’t sound right.
You’re doing what I would do. I know you have your boundaries, but when they are ill, they need help. My son is an addict, but he needed care. The loss of vision sounds scary too. Even though your son is ill, he’s still addicted and that’s all he knows right now. My son had a 9 hours surgery for shattering his ankle (probably while drinking) and was drinking within a few days after surgery- scared me to death!
I would urge him to go the hospital if you can. The abuse they put their bodies through is so scary. I don’t think you’re overreacting, I would want to know.
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Thank you Feb Marie. I appreciate hearing from you. Seizures sound scary. So difficult to be a bystander and see them unravel.
I just think if they saw him at the hospital they would turn him away. He’s not doubled up in pain and there is nothing physical to see (illness). I’ve given him a bed but my husband is fuming. We don’t see eye to eye regarding my son. I think a mother’s love is forever, no matter what.
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Hi imaginedragon.
The blood in his vomit maybe trauma in his throat from continually heaving to be sick. Not sure about the other symton of blindness not heard of that before. If he will go to hospital he would benefit from a chest xray. To rule out infection. The Dr listening t9 his chest can hear crackling and any popping in the lungs which can indicate an infection. I am a semi retired nurse so have a little knowledge on chest infections, my only knowledge of cannabis is the psychological effects, anxiety and aggression. Hope that helps a little
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Hi Feb up mum!
Thank you for your message. I appreciate your comments. An xray would be good I think too. He’s very aggressive when well, I didn’t know that was a side effect of cannabis. I thought it might be part of his adhd.
He does seem a little scared. I can’t believe that even though I’ll, he still goes out to do his ‘thing’. He will have support led accommodation by next week. I’m on count down. Such mixed feelings. Thanks for your support x
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Hi Imaginedragon
I think the main reason they won’t go to hospital is fear of not being able to get the drugs/drink they want
My son had a hip replacement
I looked after him until he was able to manage on his own
I went home he got so drunk he fell down the stairs and injured himself
He wouldn’t go back to the hospital
Until I said he might get sepsis
He had broken it and pushed the replacement out off line
And he had pneumonia
He’s fit and well now which is at least annoying
It’s so hard dealing with all the drama
He’s sober now and doing well
I hope you can get him to the hospital
Look after your self
X x
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Hi Imaginedragon
I think the main reason they won’t go to hospital is fear of not being able to get the drugs/drink they want
My son had a hip replacement
I looked after him until he was able to manage on his own
I went home he got so drunk he fell down the stairs and injured himself
He wouldn’t go back to the hospital
Until I said he might get sepsis
He had broken it and pushed the replacement out off line
And he had pneumonia
He’s fit and well now which is at least annoying
It’s so hard dealing with all the drama
He’s sober now and doing well
I hope you can get him to the hospital
Look after your self
X x
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Hi Imagine Dragon where do I start … first of all vomiting blood could just be that he has torn the lining in his stomach if he has vomited a lot and if he is vomiting a lot his vision will become blurry, I know this through experience, I suffered from migraines for years and would be very sick with them, which often led to blood in my vomit and dizziness through not having any food in me.
Did you witness the blood in his vomit? The reason I ask this is because my son told everyone he had found a lump in his stomach, had gone to hospital and been diagnosed with cancer … It was a pack of lies, lies to garner sympathy because everyone had switched him off. He did this during a period of time in which my father in law was dying of cancer and after I had lost my own father to liver cancer. It’s probably the one thing I will never forgive him for it was a lie too far. It caused immense harm to his siblings.
If he has been to the doctors as he states and he has not been sent straight to hospital chances are he is either being sick because of his lifestyle or he’s lying.
Of course they are going to get ill if anyone of us overindulged in anything it would make us sick too. The fact he was well enough to go and get his drugs says it all really, not that sick.
Again apologies for being brutal about this, but addicts lie, they lie about everything, so unless I witness something for myself I don’t believe a word that comes out of his mouth.
My advice is to be very circumspect about what you are told and look after yourself first now. They are addicted to the drama that goes with addiction as well as their chosen poison. Any small event can then be used as the excuse to indulge. They seem to thrive on chaos.
The softly softly approach to addiction that has been the norm for so many years is slowly being replaced by a far more rigid tough love in the USA because they have finally worked out that the former doesn’t work. In Greece, where my mother lives, they do not pander to addicts and the hard approach they take actually has a much higher success rate than the methods currently used here.
I am going to reiterate something that I was asked by a psychiatrist friend of mine who specialises in personality disorders (he is adamant that most addicts have that) He asked me would I tolerate the behaviours of my son if it was a very good lifelong friend and of course the answer was no. He said I needed to give myself permission not to be used and abused just because I gave birth to my son. Motherhood does not equal emotional or physical punchbag. He was right, the minute I disassociated myself from the mother label and took a more pragmatic approach, I was able to breathe again. I don’t feel guilty about it either, I did not create the situation, it’s not my job to fix it, he is an adult it’s his job to change.
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Penny. Thank you so much for your message. I don’t mind you being blunt. Your words were so insightful. I’m sorry to hear about your experiences. That sounds very traumatic and hurtful. That sounds heartbreaking.
I can see he’s ill, but it could just be a virus. (He now said this is what the doctor said) . I did sit in the waiting room so I know he went in.
This morning he’s sweating and clearly ill but also being verbally aggressive. The fact he’s still got the energy to swear at me tells me he’s not ill enough for hospital.
Your advice is right, I would never tolerate such abuse from a friend. I’m finding it hard to disassociate myself from him when he’s ill and asking for help. He’s getting a house on Friday so I see that as a relief knowing he’s got somewhere safe to sleep. I keep remembering what a lovely boy he used to be.
It sounds like you have somewhat got your life back. You deserve happiness, we all do. Thank you. I will be reading your post frequently to remind me.
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Hi Debc.
Just to say I also found that helpful about how would you treat a friend. My son has asked to stay with me as he starts a job Monday and said he will get up and go if he is with me. I have said yes as long as he goes to work. The problem is I go away for the first time in 7 years for a week in 2 weeks. Now I am already feeling guilty if he doesn’t go while I am not here. I know he will say it was my fault if he loses the job. But what would I do if it was a friend, well I know I wouldn’t feel guilty and my son is 32 but it’s hard
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This really rings bells on so many levels, your son is the same age as mine, and has his sleep pattern all messed up. It isn’t your responsibility, and this is what alarm clocks are for. If you want to do something, then maybe agree with him to leave his mobile on and closeby and you ring him once each morning, but this really is down to him. If he can’t do it at the start of a job he’s going to really struggle when the mornings are dark and cold in a couple of months time, so I wouldn’t feel too guilty.
I think its a really painful process that we go through, from when we first find out about our children’s problems and thinking that we can help them, to the gradual realization that there isn’t a lot that we can do other than tell them they are loved and provide support when they are ready to make changes. Someone on here called it ‘a slow death’ and its like that, a grieving process, in letting go of all of the normal things that you want for your child, to just hoping they survive their own behavour.
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Fed up mom please please stop being a ‘mum’ he is an adult now, he isn’t a child any longer. He is emotionally blackmailing you. It’s up to him whether or not he attends a job interview. You have to look after yourself now. He either sinks or swims, but if you are going to be his arm bands then he is never going to do either. Remember he is all grown up, you are no longer responsible for his choices. He has to do this for himself. If you continue like this not only are you going to go downhill fast, he is going to control your life forever and nothing will change. As hard as it is and I do know, it’s time to call it out, it doesn’t make you a bad person, you can’t save an addict only they can do that. X
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Hi all
We all know what we should do
Putting it into practise is a whole different thing
I sometimes think they are testing our love to see how far they can push it
I held my sons hand for the best part of 12 months
But he is the one that has had to deal with his demons
It really is baby steps
Counselling anti depressants joining groups me feeding him good food
Doing his washing and cleaning
Until I could let go and he has managed to fly
It’s nearly done for me and my relationships and my other son
How I got through it I don’t know
And it’s still fragile but I know I couldn’t do anymore than I’ve done
I love him and it’s nearly unconditional
I’m recovering from skin cancer which I should have had seen sooner
I’m so exhausted it’s all ok but the healing is taking time and I think I’m depressed so I urge you all to look after yourselves
Love and prayers
Joanie b
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Joanie59 It makes me so sad when I read your story. The addict has sucked the life out of your life. This is why my psychiatrist friend says they have personality disorders, narcissism and anti social. I see it so plainly now I have removed the emotion. My mother is exactly the same a functioning alcoholic that is all about her and her needs, so maybe my upbringing has helped me see things in a different way, I was the parent as a child, my mother hasn’t changed in the 60 years which says it all. She has always been able to afford her addiction however my life as a child was nothing short of miserable. Don’t let your son steal what is left of your life. You have sacrificed so much already and it won’t make any difference to his addictions I can assure you. Save what’s left of your life. If he chooses to destroy his then let him. It really is not your responsibility, set yourself free x
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Hi Penny M
Thank you for your kind words
You have pretty much got it right
When I’ve healed from this operation
I am going to have a holiday
I think what I have done has made a difference to my son
He has come a long way
I’m home and I know the madness has to end or it will end me
I’m sorry your mum was the way she was
Alcoholics are the most selfish people
They have the best and think they deserve it
It’s a crazy illness It takes and takes
Take care
Joanie x
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Probably going to get shot down saying this, however we must stop calling it an illness, it panders to the addictive behaviours. Nicotine is one of the most addictive substances there is. Nobody calls that an illness and plenty of people quit smoking through sheer will power and determination, myself included. It isn’t an illness it is a choice and addicts of alcohol and drugs have far more support than those that are addicted to nicotine. Nobody ever said I had an illness and I never saw it as an illness. I gave up when pregnant to protect my unborn children and because of the financial cost, swimming with the kids or a 20 a day habit …, no contest.
If I had a pound for every time I heard ‘I am sorry’ ‘ I can’t help it’ ‘nobody understands what it’s like’ I would be rich and actually I do know what it’s like, nicotine withdrawal isn’t exactly a walk in the park and I sometimes want a cigarette but choose not to, the craving doesn’t go. The poor me mantra now goes straight over my head. They do it because they like the highs and prefer that to facing into real life and all the problems that come with it. I personally think it’s a cop out. A way not to be responsible, a way not to have to have a mundane life a way to run away from the problems they have created. It is not an illness. Cancer is an illness.
Sorry if I have offended anyone.
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Hi Joanie,
I think what you’ve done is amazing, in moving in with your son so that he was able to hang on to his job and start to sort himself out, and it sounds like its paying off. I’m sure that he appreciates what you’ve done. I hope that you take time for yourself now and make your health the priority – you definitely deserve a holiday.
Addiction is very selfish, it seems to destroy everything that it touches, but no one chooses it, its compulsive behaviour (like anorexia) – but we can’t fix it for them. My son was not a selfish person before this, in fact from our family, he was the nicest of us, he was the one that his friends went to for help, the one with the best sense of humour that cracked the room up. I’m guessing that’s true of lots of our kids, they are the sensitive souls and hopefully they still exist underneath all of the mess.
Penny – your childhood sounded very tough, I’m so sorry, it never leaves you. My dad was a cruel alcoholic but I honestly think that he would have been like that without drink, he was just hard-wired that way, the drink just made it more obvious. It would be great to fully understand all of this.
Jackie
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Probably going to get shot down saying this, however we must stop calling it an illness, it panders to the addictive behaviours. Nicotine is one of the most addictive substances there is. Nobody calls that an illness and plenty of people quit smoking through sheer will power and determination, myself included. It isn’t an illness it is a choice and addicts of alcohol and drugs have far more support than those that are addicted to nicotine. Nobody ever said I had an illness and I never saw it as an illness. I gave up when pregnant to protect my unborn children and because of the financial cost, swimming with the kids or a 20 a day habit …, no contest.
If I had a pound for every time I heard ‘I am sorry’ ‘ I can’t help it’ ‘nobody understands what it’s like’ I would be rich and actually I do know what it’s like, nicotine withdrawal isn’t exactly a walk in the park and I sometimes want a cigarette but choose not to, the craving doesn’t go. The poor me mantra now goes straight over my head. They do it because they like the highs and prefer that to facing into real life and all the problems that come with it. I personally think it’s a cop out. A way not to be responsible, a way not to have to have a mundane life a way to run away from the problems they have created. It is not an illness. Cancer is an illness.
Sorry if I have offended anyone.
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I think you make some really good points, and I don’t think people on here are easily offended 🙂 I guess nicotine is one of the hardest things to kick and is so widely available. I agree that its a way of not feeling the bumps in the road and stresses of real life – and not growing-up. It would be so good if we could figure out how to help them to face all of that, and deal with withdrawals etc along with it. When you’ve trashed your own life, wrecked your closest relationships, coming back from all of that without a prop is probably very hard – I can see why they would just want to keep going toward oblivion. If no one believes in you, at your darkest time, its hard to imagine how you could start believing in yourself. That doesn’t excuse their behaviour or mean that we should be their doormats, its just how it is. I think that is probably where groups/meetings are useful. Most of the success stories seem to include attending meetings and mutual support.
The biggest thing that has helped me has been not living with my son for a few months, its helped me to put boundaries back in place that had completely gone south. We had some big arguments when he first moved out, but now he is calmer, and back into a more normal life, he recognises that he’s been a nightmare. I feel so sorry for anyone putting up with this at home, its bad for everyone.
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Hi everyone, thank you for your replies I will take them on board and try stop my guilt.
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Try not to be so hard on yourself Fed up mom. It’s so difficult to know what to do as a mom. And we’re challenged with not acting like a “mom” when we’ve been doing it with them their whole life. But unfortunately, with them being an addict, it muddies the waters. I’ve done many things I regret that enabled my son. Maybe your son just wants to know he has support. I would try and not feel guilty if he doesn’t get himself up. I would tell him, ” I’m here to give you a boost, but you have to get yourself up each day. You’re 32 years old and it’s your responsibility to get up.” Enabling might make you feel better for the moment, but unfortunately, it doesn’t do a thing for them. I know all too well. This is not your responsibility to wake him up each day and you shouldn’t feel any guilt about that.
I thing all of us on here are reaching out because we are so lost. We learn from others and we often see truths we don’t want to see.
If you go back and read your own post and pretend it’s not you, (which I’ve done with myself), you’ll see some clarity I think.
Here’s my two cents on the legalizing aspect. Legalizing and addiction are two completely different things. Where I live in Colorado, USA, marijuana was legalized years ago. I really don’t care either way, at least it decriminalizes something that can be recreational for many, same as alcohol. Addiction is different. There are many people on this forum who have sons who are truly addicted to it and they are living the same scary lives as everyone else on here. Addiction is very complicated. I do believe their is choice, especially in the beginning, but I do think it reaches a point where they are physiologically in the grips of it and choice takes a back seat. However, there is beauty in that choice, because thankfully, many addicts can finally make that hard choice to stop.
I’m grateful to hear all the stories. This is a journey and we change and grow along with them and learn that it is truly on them and all we can do is support and love.
On a good note, as I mentioned that my son had a relapse after four months of sobriety. Thankfully as Lindyloo and Joanie said, he realized his mistake and reined it in fairly quickly after a couple of days. Who knows what will happen next.
I’m with Jem, they need our love and support and we just have to learn how to give it and not enable because it doesn’t work, and to not allow ourselves to be harmed in the process. Big work. We’re stronger together.
Love to all! ❤️
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Hello ladies. Some very heartfelt points of view being raised. All equally valid, we are all doing our best. Sometimes we get it wrong, we are human. I find it valuable to hear from others who have perpaps walked in my shoes, to learn from their experiences.
The reason I’m on here now is my son has been so vile today. He has made me most awful comments about me treating him like an animal and swearing at me via text because I don’t immediately answer phone when at work. To give context, I work in a school so I can’t have my mobile out. He was so furious with me, he scares me when he’s like that. My mum (his nan age 83) has been helping him, feeding him until his place is ready. She too took the brunt of his abuse. She rang me in tears saying she couldn’t cope with him anymore.
He’s back again wanting food, being more polite now. When I say you owe nan an apology for being so nasty to her he says ‘that’s how I am, I get angry at everything’ shut up talking about it, he says. I went on to say ‘you can’t be horrible to people, you can’t speak to people like that if you get a job’ he replied, I will.
I’m just wondering if others have their heart broken by their loved ones being verbally nasty – then act like nothing has happened next time you see them?
I don’t mean to blow my own trumpet but I am frequently complimented by school parents at how kind I am. I do try and help others and I do my best. So how come I can have a monster for a son who tells me to f##k off and speaks to me like absolute dirt? It’s so hurtful. It feels like I’m talking to a brick wall. What’s the point in him even looking for a job if he can’t even be civil to colleagues? He is so nasty even when people show him kindness (my mum and I particularly, we are big softies and he abuses that I think).
Sorry to vent!! X
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Hello ladies. Some very heartfelt points of view being raised. All equally valid, we are all doing our best. Sometimes we get it wrong, we are human. I find it valuable to hear from others who have perpaps walked in my shoes, to learn from their experiences.
The reason I’m on here now is my son has been so vile today. He has made me most awful comments about me treating him like an animal and swearing at me via text because I don’t immediately answer phone when at work. To give context, I work in a school so I can’t have my mobile out. He was so furious with me, he scares me when he’s like that. My mum (his nan age 83) has been helping him, feeding him until his place is ready. She too took the brunt of his abuse. She rang me in tears saying she couldn’t cope with him anymore.
He’s back again wanting food, being more polite now. When I say you owe nan an apology for being so nasty to her he says ‘that’s how I am, I get angry at everything’ shut up talking about it, he says. I went on to say ‘you can’t be horrible to people, you can’t speak to people like that if you get a job’ he replied, I will.
I’m just wondering if others have their heart broken by their loved ones being verbally nasty – then act like nothing has happened next time you see them?
I don’t mean to blow my own trumpet but I am frequently complimented by school parents at how kind I am. I do try and help others and I do my best. So how come I can have a monster for a son who tells me to f##k off and speaks to me like absolute dirt? It’s so hurtful. It feels like I’m talking to a brick wall. What’s the point in him even looking for a job if he can’t even be civil to colleagues? He is so nasty even when people show him kindness (my mum and I particularly, we are big softies and he abuses that I think).
Sorry to vent!! X
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Imagine dragon I have had it all too. I cut him off until he could be civil. I got some peace then. You and your mum are being subjected to what is actually a criminal offence. Verbal abuse is treated in the same way as physical abuse now. Please keep yourselves safe, especially your mum. Again I can only advise that you call the police if this continues. Your mum especially is at significant risk from him. If you want some support with this please call the domestic violence helplines, because this is what this is, you are victims. X
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Yes sadly Imagine dragon I’ve had all that..I think when they take drink and drugs it comes with the territory.
It’s so hurtful. Just remind yourself that it’s the drugs and how the drugs has messed with their minds that is behind it.
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Morning ladies. My son moved into supported housing last night. He’s been bombarding me with messages about how sh#t it is. Saying no Internet, he’s smashed his phone and TV in anger. I had hoped to get a break from him, that he’d leave me alone but I think he’ll try and make me feel bad from afar. I love my son but sometimes I think I hate him. His personality is vile. I gave him a lift with his TV and belongings last night and I got a barrage of abuse. He’s asking me for another lift even as I type this. Grrrrr!! I want some space from him. He will have some interventions on Monday so I hope that might help a bit.
Hope you ladies are OK and have a restful weekend with good health and peace of mind xx
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My son was exactly the same when I moved him to his supported living place.
It’s the drugs still in his system it takes a while for their personality to resemble anything near near nice. My son is about 6 months clean now and has only just started to be nice although I’m still not sure if it’s a mental health problem with him.
Perhaps just block him for a bit or decide your own boundaries.
Tell him u will speak to him once a day at a certain time.
When I had counselling and my son was right in the full throws of his addiction and my counsellor said about taking g back control and setting your boundaries.
So I would block his texts and calls and then unblock him at 6pm if i felt the need to i would call him. If he was nasty i would end the call and tell him if you want to speak to me nicely I’ll leave the call unlocked for a other half hour. If he called me straight back nasty and demanding I would block him again.
Yes he dirnt like it and yes I was still stressed as you are as a mum when ypur son is an addict but it did help and enabled me to live a bit more normally.
Your not cutting him off completely but setting reasonable boundaries. I realised now I was bullied by him and did too much…my.mum never drove so I always got a bus or train..he will just have to grow up and do it himself.
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Imagine dragon some great advice on here, block your son and unblock when you feel you have had enough space. You cannot live like this. He clearly isn’t taking responsibility for his addictions and will drag you down with him. As I have previously stated, personality disorders are at play here. You can’t treat a personality disorder unless the person has insight into their behaviours. I am not so sure that making excuses and stating they are like this because of their addictions is helpful, it’s a reason not an excuse and the more their behaviours are excused the less likely they are to front into any of their problems. Give yourself some love and care now. X
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Hi Imagine Dragon, Bump and Penny are right about setting boundaries that protect your mental sanity. It’s so incredibly stressful, you are in a constant state of anxiety over the next awful thing they will say. When my son was at his worst a couple of years ago, he was constantly texting me saying an angel came to him to tell him that I am judgmental and a sinner. It went on for months on texts and emails, and then he began to go after my family members- just talking about it makes my anxiety go up. It was frightening- I thought he was losing his mind. But I couldn’t take it anymore and I did like Bump and said that I am blocking him until he stops all this. I didn’t speak to him for a couple of months- it was horrible.
Now that we are down the road, I see things in a different light. In some ways, I think it was a cry for help and the anger and recriminations that he directed at me were really the anger he had towards himself. Of course, I didn’t know it then and the pain is still there since talking about it makes me have emotion.
I told my son clearly that when you get like that, I’m out, until I decide. Just because it’s your son doesn’t mean that it’s not verbal abuse. THEY WANT TO WEAR YOU DOWN SO THEY CAN KEEP USING WITHOUT CONSEQUENCES.
When my son had his latest relapse a few weeks ago and started the angel talk again, I almost fell back in that hole again, but I remembered everything I’ve learned and I pulled it together and turned the focus back on me. Fortunately, he figured out that it was a mistake. He has been apologizing profusely for the things he said and has discussed it with his counselor- things I never thought possible years ago. He’s back on track again. I keep my heart protected though, I can feel it.
One more thing, it may or may not be the addiction talking when they are nasty, but the bottom line is, they are still responsible for the things they do even if they are under the influence. If you beat your wife while drunk, you’re arrested. If you kill someone while you’re behind the wheel of a car while drunk, you are charged with murder here in the US. I assume it’s the same there. One of the only ways to make him accountable is to do as Bump and Penny say, which is.’ I will not tolerate your language and behavior and here’s my boundaries’, whatever you decide what those are. Start small, it’s easier to stick to it. I like Bump’s idea of a set time so you can have some peace.
You can do this. Sometimes the only change that happens is when we do. Stay strong- you’re worth it. ❤️
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‘ THEY WANT TO WEAR YOU DOWN SO THEY CAN KEEP USING WITHOUT CONSEQUENCES.’ Probably the most important phrase to have been written on this forum. It is exactly that. This unwritten rule of ‘unconditional love’ is so insidious. It means, in essence, NO BOUNDARIES, that is not a good parenting formula, not when they are little or when they are grown. It also means we follow this unwritten code because we feel we should always be there no matter what. Well, let me tell you something, it’s a crock. Mothers love does not mean doormat. Mothers love does not mean punchbag. Mothers love does not mean unhappiness. A mothers love should be nurturing, not enabling.
Please do not feel guilty if you turn your addict ADULT child away because they are abusing you. They have no right to behave in that way and you do not have to tolerate it.
Golden rules
Set boundaries and do not deviate
Do not tolerate abuse either verbally mentally or physically
Actions must have consequences
Do not give them money
Do not feed them
Do not provide them with a roof over their heads
It is very well documented that the enabled addict will never ever get better. Killing with kindness. It will kill them and you.
I just watched a documentary last night Killing mum and dad. The son was a raging alcoholic who had previously been violent towards his parents, ex partners and others. They kept taking him back. One night he viciously bludgeoned them to death. Look up the case of Philip Middleton. It’s the most extreme example of what happens when you enable, however it is a lesson as to why enabling an addict can have dire consequences.
The comments by all the professionals involved included the phrase, ‘if only they had not taken him back into their home and set boundaries, then this would not have happened’
Keep safe, love yourself, don’t give in to blackmail, take time for yourselves.
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I’d like to thank Theresa, Penny M, Bump 22 and February Marie. You’ve all taken time to write in support and it is really useful.
Where else could you possibly get anyone to understand the madness?! Thank you all.
Some real gems of advice. I’m going to have to read it all again. Penny M, your personality disorder thought is spot on. My son has the traits of a narc assist or oppositional defiance disorder. Bump 22, I know absolutely nothing about the supported living scheme. I’ve sorted it all in a rush. Did it help your son? If so how? The charity are not great at replying to me, I guess they are speaking to him direct. I really hope they can help him.
I saw my son yesterday and I was actually frightened. He was in a rage as he got in the car. (all because he’d lost his bank card). He said he felt like killing someone to go to prison or killing himself. He was in a rage. He smashed his TV up in frustration. I was scared.
I haven’t heard from him today which is good. I’m hoping the supported accommodation will help him today.
Love to everyone xx
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Imagine dragon stay strong. Keep him at arms length. I am very concerned about the levels of violence he is now displaying. It’s a bit of a crunch time for him now. He is behaving like a toddler having a tantrum, not so unusual in people who failed to grow up because they took alcohol or drugs which stops them having to face into life. Narcissistic Personality Disorder is the most dangerous of all of them and his current behaviours would also suggest an anti social PD too.
Have a break, we are all here for you. Xx
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Hi I.imagine dragon.
So it depends on the level of support he gets.
Have they said what they will give?
I’m going to be honest the first supported place was rubbish but to be fair it was the start of covid so I think the level of support was very much reduced.
The 2nd place was better.. after he moved out though he did relapse.
But I think that was a lesson to himself that he cant just have one drink as it escalates into full blown chaos and addiction again.
The final.place has been a proper addiction specialist place and he had to really engage and was really strict. He is now in a move on house with them and has been clean for about 6 months.
He is working too for the longest he ever has done…I actually hate writing it as I live in fear of a relapse.
But I think any supported living place will offer more support than if he wasnt there…they will have more patience and experience than us.
Make sure to take some space for yourself now while he is there.
It’s all consuming and you need to look after yourself.
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Hi I.imagine dragon.
So it depends on the level of support he gets.
Have they said what they will give?
I’m going to be honest the first supported place was rubbish but to be fair it was the start of covid so I think the level of support was very much reduced.
The 2nd place was better.. after he moved out though he did relapse.
But I think that was a lesson to himself that he cant just have one drink as it escalates into full blown chaos and addiction again.
The final.place has been a proper addiction specialist place and he had to really engage and was really strict. He is now in a move on house with them and has been clean for about 6 months.
He is working too for the longest he ever has done…I actually hate writing it as I live in fear of a relapse.
But I think any supported living place will offer more support than if he wasnt there…they will have more patience and experience than us.
Make sure to take some space for yourself now while he is there.
It’s all consuming and you need to look after yourself.
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Hi Bump22
I really understand what you mean about being frightened to say they are doing well or it’s been X amount of time
We know how fragile the sober times are
I still get that feeling in the pit of my stomach if my son is late phoning or doesn’t answer his phone straight away
All the flash backs come rolling in
I think I am done with the craziness as I’ve made myself so ill with it all
I am treating myself with care now
My leg is finally healing but it’s very slow after the skin cancer removal
And the skin graft
I have lots of regrets about the way I handled things with my son
I know how manipulative he is
And I get what’s been said about an addiction being a choice
I did my best and I am proud of him doing his best now too
Just all be aware of the toll it takes on us
Love and hugs to all
Joanie b x x
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Thank you bump 22 and penny m. I don’t know what support he will be getting in his supported housing. Their communication with me is non existant. They haven’t replied to my emails for some info.
I didn’t know you could block someone’s phone number temporarily. As always, your comments are so valuable and I appreciate them. We all speak of self care. I will try. Boundaries sound very important too.
My son said he has a chat with someone tomorrow at 12 noon, so fingers crossed he engages with them. Good night ladies x
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Sadly imagine dragon communication does become non existent since they are adults and unless they give permission we wont be informed.
You could call and say once the general support…idk it’s difficult.
Maybe try and just invest in some time to try and switch off to his life..perhaps have a week where u just concentrate on switching off and being absent from his life. He will need to learn ypu arnt there at his beck and call.
Put some.nice things in the diary for u. Xx
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Thank you bump 22. Yes you’re right, I should try and put some things in the diary for me and me young daughters. K am at his neck and call. No more!!! Thank you x
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Hi there, I am sorry to hear you are struggling, I know of a fantastic charity that would love to support you . They are based in Oxford. Please have a look on their website – you can also fill in a referral form. https://adaptoxford.org.uk. I know numerous people who have had support from them and done exceedingly well. They offer free treatment.
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Eddie123 – thank you for the recommendation. Noted. Its good to know about this charity. Thank you
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My condolences to all of you, my UK friends, on the loss of your Queen Elizabeth. We here in the US had a fondness for her and greatly admired her long service. ❤️
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Thank you, for me personally, as somebody bought up in the Military, it has been very emotional. For Queen and Country was, paradoxically, the toast before every meal and the mantra of every serving person prior to going into battle. She was so much part of my life and early adulthood. She truly was an inspirational woman that was the very best example of selflessness, dignity, humility and generosity of spirit. Long live our King. ❤️
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Thank you February Marie,
She was a wonderful lady and a gracious Queen. She will be well missed.
Feel sorry for her family going through all the pomp and ceremony when they just need to grieve.
Hope all is as well as can be expected with you and yours.
Lx ❤️
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Thanks.february marie.
I’m very sad she was a very selfless monarch. And will be missed very.much.
I went to.pay my respects at the palace. But have come.away feeling that it’s becoming a spectacle and her immediate family as u said lindyloo shld have time to grieve without being in this goldfish bowl.
I hope everyone is doing ok. I’m a bot worried about my son tbh.
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She really was a selfless, dignified, and honorable person- qualities that are lacking in many public figures. I hope that it’s not the end of an era, but it could be.
It’s funny, the United States fought for independence 246 years ago so we wouldn’t have a monarchy, and we are kind of obsessed with the Royal family over here. Although most of the people I know over here aren’t too enamored with Meghan- although she’s American. I just thought it was very unclassy to do that interview with Oprah. Not a great way to ingratiate yourself with your new in-laws, but that may be just me.
The Queen was just so amazing and I always thought it was so sweet how she dressed in such bold colors and always with a matching hat! We don’t really do dressy hats here, except for when it’s the Kentucky Derby, and here in Colorado, we are so casual, that it would just look ridiculous! The women here are obsessed with Princess Kate!
Lindyloo- things are okay here. My son has been doing okay since the brief relapse a bit ago. We met for lunch last week, and I could certainly feel a little bit of self-protection from all the things he said while on relapse. Even though he has apologized. I hope that your son is still doing well.
Bump- I hope your son is doing okay. I have followed your story for so long, that I’m really cheering for him- and you too. ❤️
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Februarymarie.
Thanks my son is clean but hes very low and that worries me.
It’s so nice to hear your thoughts about the queen. The reason she wore bright colours is apparently because she knew everyone wanted to see her and so it helped her stand out! I live right by a famous English racecourse and every year her car wld pass the bottom of my road so I’ve always been pleased to see her and philip pass by.
I know this isnt the forum for it but meghan but it’s good to hear that the Americans can also see that she a social climbing selfish woman who needs to learn some family values!! Shes living off her husbands family and has no respect.
The royal family have done alot for mental health and young people and helping people turn their lives around so let’s hope that keeps going and drug and alcohol addiction gets included in that.
The princes trust and Duke of Edinburgh have really helped young people get their lives on track. They use their positions to do good unlike alot of celebrities.
Our nation wont ever be the same but I hope people give king charles a chance.
I’m glad your son is doing ok.
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That’s so great that you got to see the Queen and Prince Phillip pass by!
I understand the worry with your son being low. I think depression is probably a common denominator with all our boys. My son has had pretty significant depression since high school. I always worry when life throws him curves that we all go through, but he’s still working on appropriate coping skills since his coping has been to use alcohol for the last 10-12 years. It doesn’t seem to take much to tip him over the edge. I hope your son will use all the resources that have been made available to him. Hugs ❤️
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Hello everyone, I hope you and your sons are managing. My son has relapsed again. I know this is how it goes, but I’m tired right now. I found out he had relapsed the night before I left for a little trip with my hubby and siblings and their spouses. We really did have a good time, but it was on my mind the whole time.
It’s been numerous times that his problems have ruined a vacation of mine. I’m hoping it’s a short relapse, but I don’t know. It’s just so hard because right now he really has everything he needs to succeed. He’s reconciled with his family somewhat, he has financial means thanks to the government, he has two counselors and free healthcare, and me in his corner. I was irritable inside this weekend. It’s hard always being the cheerleader for him, I have feelings too. I want to tell him off, but it won’t help, so here I am with you all. It’s just so tiring when they turn a corner, and then they don’t. I just have to be forward thinking and hope for the best. Thank you for listening. ❤️
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Hi February Marie, I’m sorry to read your text today. Relapses happen though – my son had a few before his recovery. I hope he sees the light soon and realises that sobriety is the better choice for a better future.
It’s hard to stay positive when this happens February, but he made his choice, and none of this is your fault. Please look after yourself, make the best of your life – try not to dwell too much on it – I know this is hard being a mum.
I will keep you in my prayers as I do for all of us here.
Sending you much love.
Lx ❤️
P.s. have you read Kulstars story yet- his story is very positive and enlightening.
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Hi Februarymarie,
Sorry to read your Son has relapsed, it’s very hard when this happens. My Son usually goes 3-4 days at the moment, then gets back on it, I am not embarrassed to say that I am really at the end of my tether with him. I have emailed DrugFam today and got a reply back straight away which I was really impressed with, I am having a 1:1 telephone conversation with them next Monday 26th, I’m hoping they can tell me where I’m going wrong and give me some ideas for the way forward. It’s been so many years with my Son being an Addict I honestly don’t think he knows anything else to do. I also believe that he has choices, and doesn’t make good choices because that is easier than facing up to reality.
I really let it get to me this weekend and didn’t get dressed or do anything (lots needed doing) for 2 days and I really don’t want to feel like that again.
Talking to him just doesn’t work, he gets angry and shouts, which doesn’t help anyone.
I am going to write down some boundaries and give them to him, at the end of the day he is living in my house so should abide by my rules, like them or not.
I hope your Son gets back on track very soon.
Take care.
Dx
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Hi DebC- thanks for your reply. It has to be so very hard to have them in your home. That’s at least one piece of it that I’m not dealing with. The stress would probably do me in. My son is 40 years old with a Master’s degree, and still trying for a PhD. He knows he can’t finish it, he’s too far behind. He’s basically continuing to take out student loans and uses that as income while he “tries” to finish his degree. He admitted to me a while ago that he was drunk through most of his Master’s degree and even when he took his Master’s degree test. He said he got one of the highest scores. His drinking increased when he went on to the PhD and things didn’t go well there. By the time he was student teaching, he was missing classes and students were complaining. One even said they could smell alcohol on him. He was on the hot seat and his family and I convinced him to come home, thinking being with his family would “save” him.
He thinks he does his best work when he is drinking. I personally think this latest relapse is him thinking that it is the only way that he can work on his dissertation. So foolish. His PhD is in Philosophy, so it’s not that he will land some high paying job if he finishes. There just aren’t that many jobs out there for his degree, and now he has a bad track record.
I’m glad that you are going to work on setting some boundaries for yourself. It does help- maybe not them, but it will help you. When my son finally runs out of money, I don’t know what I will do. I don’t think I can take him in. He lived with us many summers while in school and drinking and being lazy all summer. It was awful.
I don’t think my marriage would make it- he’s not his biological father and has less patience for it. The fear of homelessness for him is always looming. He says he’d rather be homeless than work at some “soul-crushing” job which is just ridiculous.
Just keep taking care of yourself. We’re moms, but at some point does this have to a death sentence for us? It shouldn’t.
Imagine- I’m so glad that your son is in a place where hopefully he can turn a corner. Take this time to recharge your batteries. Love to all. ❤️
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Hi Debc, I’m so sorry to read your text. I was hoping your son had turned a corner.
It must be really hard to share your house with your son while he has addictions. It was different for me as my son has his own flat so I had a bit space.
I don’t know what to say as we all pretty much know the script- he has to be the one wanting to change. It doesn’t sound like he’s there yet. I’m worried about you Deb, he’s not being fair.
I hope you get some sound advice from the counsellor.
Sending you much ❤️
Stay strong my friend
Lx
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Hi Lindyloo,
Thank you for your kind words, it’s so good to be able to come on here and chat and share problems.
I’m so glad that your Son is doing well, you must be very proud, well done to him.
It is hard living with him when he’s doing the alcohol and drugs, he doesn’t know when to stop.
We are on Day 3 today of being clean/sober, he usually finds Day 4 hard, so let’s hope he can go past that tomorrow ????, he talks a good talk and probably means well, but he needs to carry on and be strong.
Haven’t seen much of Danman on here for ages, I do hope he’s ok.
I’ll let you know how I get on with the DrugFam people, they sound very good.
Take care Lindyloo.
Dx
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SOrry to hear this, did you check out the family support charity? and somewhere that may be able to help him and yourself? ADAPT.
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SOrry to hear this, did you check out the family support charity? and somewhere that may be able to help him and yourself? ADAPT.
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Hi February Marie
Hope things are better with you today.
Help17 is dominating all the threads here- I’m sure it’s for a good reason though.
Take care of you ❤️
Lx
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Hi Februarymarie I hope today has been better. Stay strong so sorry for what u are going though x
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Thank you Lindyloo and Bump for checking in on me it’s very kind. I’m doing alright today- just irritable. I had bad dreams last night that I was so angry with him, so I must be deep down. It’s hard not to when it seems that things should be fine with him. But then, I’m not in his head to know if there were stressors or triggers. The spring was just so rough with his seizures and all, I just really thought that would be enough with me nursing him back to health. I think it’s getting to me too because autumn is coming, which is such a beautiful time of year, and for the last 12 years, it’s been tinged with sadness because of his addiction. And then the holidays… I was looking forward to one that might have been ‘normal’. Who knows, maybe it will be? Maybe it won’t. At least I know that scenario.
As you all well know, it’s so hard to maintain composure so as not to trigger them in any way. But we’re human too, and I want to tell him things from my perspective. But I’ll wait on it until I feel I’m ready. It’s just that you put so much energy in to them when they look like they’re on the road to recovery and it’s a let-down. I don’t regret it- I’d do it again. Maybe someday it will stick. Maybe it won’t. Either way, I have no control clearly, and I need to keep living my life.
Eddie123- thanks for the tip on the charity there. I’m here in the US and thankfully have resources to help me through. Especially here, where everyone truly understands.
Lindyloo- I do want to read Kulstar’s story. Can you tell me which heading it’s under?
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Hi February, just scroll back until you see his name
An addicts journey- change is possible ”
If you see his name , click on it and it will call up all his posts.
Stay strong sister ❤️
Lx
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Hi Lindyloo- I read Kulstar’s story. He’s amazing and shows so much growth- especially in his thinking. It does give hope… ❤️
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DebC. My heart went out to you when I read your post, I know these feelings too well.
I hope you don’t mind me saying but I’ve had massive help and support from accommodation concern. They have put my son on their Supported Living programme for 6 months. He has moved into one of their houses.
Its given me some space to breathe and to have time away from him and his vile behaviour. Is this something that you too could enquire about? My son gets regular visits and help by having someone to talk about mental health, addiction, budgeting, cleaning and housekeeping. It’s been 2 weeks but it’s been a big help. I just get phonecalls now and I can end the call when he insults me or is aggressive.
Its such a hard life seeing a loved one so unhappy and also being the recipient of their venom x
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Hi ImagineDragon,
I haven’t heard of the Supported Living unless it’s goes under the name of a “Dry House”? How do you find out about it?
My Son has been in a dry house before, he went straight from Rehab to one, but of course he didn’t last. Has the chance to go again, but makes excuses not to go.
He holds down (most of the time) a full time job and is very good at his trade.
I’m glad that you are getting a break at the moment, it must be heaven. I hope your Son puts his mind to it and does well.
I suppose that’s the part I really don’t understand, my Son is also unhappy and even more so when he indulges in alcohol and drugs, it just doesn’t make sense to me, but Addiction is a huge learning curve for everyone involved. I just wish they could take a tablet and be cured, how good would that be?
Take care of yourself.
Dx
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Hi there, I am sorry to hear you are struggling, I know of a fantastic charity that would love to support you . They are based in Oxford. Please have a look on their website – you can also fill in a referral form. https://adaptoxford.org.uk. I know numerous people who have had support from them and done exceedingly well. They offer free treatment.
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February Marie and Deb C. I just feel so much empathy when I read your stories. I’ve never been able to speak to anyone who can truly relate but the people on this site can. The support is amazing on here.
Firstly February, wow, your son is highly educated. I used to think if my son had of done this or had of done that, he wouldn’t of found drugs. One of the scenarios was if he went to university he would of been OK. Your story makes me think otherwise.
A Councillor, an ex addict, who also has adhd said she would of found her way to drugs no matter what h we scenario.
Deb c, in answer to your question, I went to the charity ‘accommodation concern’. I think they have these in many towns in UK. I enquired about there supported living scheme and luckily, after meeting my son, they accepted him. He had to be homeless to take him in though. He’s living in a house with others with certain difficulties but he does get support.
It let’s me have some space, though financially he’s still tapping me up.
One of you ladies mentioned the stress it puts on your marriage – totally agree. My son is not my husbands child, I think it must make a difference. I often wonder if my son was my husbands, would we be in this situation? That’s a whole other story. My marriage is hanging on by a thread now, holidays ruined, my young daughters exposed to horrible behaviour and drug talk. Hopefully we can try and mend things, we’ll see.
There’s no where else imI can read real stories of other people sharing similar experience to me. Where ever you are, be kind to yourself. Sleep well everyone. Let’s hope for a brighter future x
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Hi my friends. these last couple of days have been tough. It’s not my son. My sister’s husband called me last night to tell me that my beloved sister has a terrible drinking problem. My sister is my very best friend in life. We are only one year apart and have always been close from when we were little girls all through the tough times in our life- divorces, deaths, children- all of it. She has been an enormous support to me with my son’s troubles. I was getting worried about her myself because it often seemed like when I spoke to her in the evenings, she seemed tipsy and in the last year, often drunk. One time, she forgot that she was talking to me and thought I was someone else. I thought that maybe this is her having her end of the day drinks. I know many people do that and manage fine. Well, her husband told me that she’s been getting drunk every night for the last year or two. He’s not perfect, sometimes he doesn’t treat her right. I guess, yesterday, she was drunk by 3:30 in the afternoon and then just fell asleep. The saddest part is that she still has 2 young adult children living at home and this shocks me because she has always been such a good and devoted mother. Her daughter (whom I’ve very close to), called me too. She said she has been caring for her and putting her to bed on many occasions because my sister’s husband gets very angry at her and yells at her which breaks my heart.
The hard part is she never told me that is struggling so bad. I’m pretty sure that it is because of my son and didn’t want to add to my troubles. That hurts because we tell each other almost everything.
I’ve been crying all day. My back went out and I’m having a flare-up with my Rheumatoid Arthritis, so it’s been rough. I reached out to her and we are going to talk later today.
I know that this thread is for our sons, so I probably won’t post about this too much and keep it on our boys. You all have walked with me on my journey. If you are a praying person, may I ask for your prayers for everyone?
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Hi February Marie,
Sorry to hear about your sister’s drinking. Unfortunately you’re not capable of taking on everyone’s problems. You have already been through so much with your son’s addiction. Please take care of yourself- find time for yourself to try and switch off.
It goes without saying that I’ll keep you in my prayers, there’s a prayer group called Mother’s Prayers. I used to go when my son was at his worst.. It helped me through the hard times.
I guess we’ve formed our own Mother’s group here.
Autumn is here, try to enjoy any happy moment you have. You’ve done your best, please don’t make yourself ill with stress and worry.
Have you read the addicts Prayer- God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change…etc? Works for us too!
Sending much love ❤️
Lx
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Thank you Lindyloo- words I need to hear. I’m grateful for your caring. If I’ve learned anything through this process, it’s that I have no control over what anyone else does, even those closest to me.
My sister and I spoke yesterday. I would say that she is minimizing her problem right now. I remember that well. However, she did tell me that she has been seeing a private counselor for a few months now, so I guess that’s a start. I just got so overwhelmed like I had lost my bearings, since she and I have had each other’s backs for so long. I felt like I was losing another extremely important person in my life. I know I have lost what I used to have with my son-it will never be the same I don’t think, just different, and there’s a grief to that. With her, it remains to be seen.
Thank you for your prayers, they matter. I’m just being mellow today. I’d really love to be in my garden, it’s a mild 70 degrees and so beautiful! But, my back won’t allow it, so I’ll sit outside and read and just soak it in. And later, watch some American football which I love.
Fedupmom- I’m very proud of you for taking some steps to back away from your son mistreating you. If nothing else, you can feel good that you are no longer a party to his addiction and that takes some of the burden off. Stay strong as you can.
Love to all- ????????????
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Hi Februarymarie
I’m so sorry I wonder how much more any of us can take
I pretty sure all of us on this site would want you to share your what ever is going on in your life
Alcohol addition is a terrible thing
It’s so cheap and available 24/7
I hope your sister is able to talk to you your insight into it may help her
Your body and mind can only take so much it’s not surprising your not well
I know from experience and I’m still struggling with illness
I am taking pills to help me sleep
Please see your dr if you can
I do pray for all of us
Much love
Joanie x x
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Thank you Joanie- it means so much. ❤️
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Hi everyone.
I havent been on for a while, If you remember my last post was that I was feeling guilty as I had booked a holiday and my son had asked to live with me to help him keep his job, and I was worried he’d lose it when I was away. Well it lasted a week before I went away. He went to work came home and went out and came back late. Wanting me to leave the door open till all hours. Obviously we had words and he stormed out. He then didn’t go to work and then rang me the day before my holiday asking me to leave the door open so he could stay here while I was away. For once in my life I was strong and said no. I told him he was 32 and shouldn’t need his mom to get up for work, he was his usual abusive self told me I was horrible wanted him to fail and slammed the phone down. I actually didn’t feel guilty as why should I go on holiday worrying my house is open.and he probably wouldn’t have gone to work anyway. When I came back from holiday which I enjoyed and had a good rest, he rang me to say he had been given another chance at his job but agreed he couldn’t live here. I told him I was no longer helping him with money to feed his habit and he needed to leave me alone as I had a long time to think about everything and was not standing for his behaviour anymore. Let’s see how long I can last. Sorry to hear about your sons relapses I know the feeling of 4 days that’s how long my son goes before I know where back on the drugs. I would like to thank you all for advice that is on here, your making me stronger and helping me to stick up for myself. We are all stronger than we think, we have been through so much.
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Yesterday was an angry day. I spoke to my sister and they had just gotten a new puppy on Saturday, the day after husband called me and things were bad. When I spoke to her yesterday, we only talked about the new puppy and when I tried to bring up her problem, she said she had to go. This is why the addiction thing is insanity. I was given a bombshell about her drinking, spent the weekend crying about it, and she wants to move on as if it didn’t happen. My son does this all the time. When he gets sober, he wants everyone to move on and pretend as though the past didn’t happen. Meanwhile, you’ve been through hell.
While I was talking to my sister, my son sent a text to me, his sisters, and my sister and said that he is very sorry, and that he has relapsed and to send him love, which we all did. I reached out to him privately and he didn’t respond for a whole day. I finally texted him that he needed to let me know that he is okay and he said that I’m being his parole officer and that it makes him relapse! I told him that I shouldn’t have to walk on eggshells around him, and that if he relapses, it’s on him.
I’m feeling stronger today. Just fed up with all of this. I’m so sick of it all. It’s yet another reminder to myself that I need to focus on myself and my life and the good things in it.
Love and hugs to all. ❤️
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Thanks to some women on my post I have found this thread.
I am not alone……
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Welcome Cornwallmother, I’m glad you found us. You are not alone.. ❤️
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February Marie, thank you for your lovely comments .
Your sister sounds like she hasn’t accepted that she has a problem with drink . She will always play it down I guess. She’s not ready for any AA groups yet.
Keep yourself strong February, find a little peace every day .
Sending hugs and prayers my friend,
Lx ❤️
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Welcome cornwallmother2020 no you are not alone.
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Hi cornwallmother2020
Welcome to a great page, full of people who know exactly what your going through and give advice through experience. Sorry to hear your troubles February marie, you must be at your wits end with everything. I am thinking of you and as always stay strong
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Oh februarymarie I feel for you. This roller coaster of extreme emotions we are put on through no choice or fault of our own. But but but, we do have control of how much we tolerate and that’s what we should focus on.
No amount of love can change addiction, don’t feel guilty for setting and sticking to boundaries.
Enabling in any way only exacerbates the problem.
We are not to blame for the addictions so guilt is a wasted emotion.
We are people too!
We matter as much as any other human and have the right to live a life worth living.
It’s OK not to feel OK
It’s OK to forge a life outside of the addicted child
And the most important thing, isolation by the addict only gives them more power. Tell people what is happening, there is no shame, we have done nothing wrong. Most people are very empathetic.
Example, I told one of my neighbours when we were having a chat, turns out her father had been an abusive alcoholic, we both cried, we both hugged, she felt the overwhelming relief of keeping it all in too. I felt better for not keeping it a secret anymore and it liberated me. The secrecy only serves to keep us isolated which in turn plays into the hands of the addict because the focus remains on them if nobody else knows and the focus needs to be on the other things in life that keep you sane and happy, not the addict.
Love to all and the best advice I can give at the moment is to tell, tell anyone you think may in some small way be able to help you, even if it’s just a shoulder to cry on. Xxx
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Hi,
I just wondered how everyone is doing. I haven’t been on for a while because life has been chaotic.
I have temporarily moved in with my son, about 100 miles away from where my home is. I’ve done this to be there for him while he comes off heroin. Its been a really awful 4 weeks, obviously worse for him, because of withdrawals and just how ending opiate usage leaves you. To start with he was abusing sleeping pills and anti-anxiety meds, leaving him in a much worse state than heroin, which just seems to make you lazy. He has handed over control of his bank account – which I think shows a definite intention to follow through on this. Being 4 weeks off is a major achievement, he has now started taking subutex which is an opiate substitute, a bit like methadone. This has a long way to run, and there is a lot that can go wrong.
He is not going to NA meetings yet, which was part of the deal, so I am trying to encourage this, otherwise we may as well be back in my town, as the whole reason for being in the city is that there are meetings on a daily basis.
I went to a Families Anonymous meeting last week – that was interesting, good to talk to others about it and to take some literature away. There’s nothing new in any of this but its good to talk face-to-face and to hear other people’s experiences.
My son is awake all night and asleep most of the day, and because of this I am sleeping pretty badly, which doesn’t help. I am carrying on my job remotely but not sure how long I can sustain that before the people that I am supposed to supervise start to complain. I am hoping to be able to go home for 2/3 days a week soon, but we aren’t there yet.
I’d love to hear how everyone else is doing – I think of you all a lot and hope that things are getting better.
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Hi I miss this thread. Since the site was updated participants on threads aren’t being notified of new posts and it’s difficult on a phone to read the most recent entries on a thread this long. ADFAM are hoping to fix the issues.
I hope you are all doing okay. My son is 6 weeks clean today. Fingers-crossed it continues.
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