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Adfam forum guidelines

We know that if you are affected by someone else’s drug or alcohol use you might feel alone, or as if nobody understands what you are going through. This forum gives you the opportunity to share your feelings regarding your loved one’s substance use, to share experiences and support other people going through similar situations. This is a safe, nonjudgmental environment. There is no right or wrong way to deal with somebody else’s substance use. Everyone’s experience is different, and everyone’s experience is valid.

The views, information, or opinions expressed by those posting on the forum are solely those of the individual users and do not necessarily represent those of Adfam. Adfam takes no responsibility for the quality of responses and comments made on the forum. 

Never share personal contact information

It is very important that no personal information is disclosed on this forum. The forum is a safe place, and sharing personal information, especially contact details, could potentially make the forum a target for people seeking to take advantage of its members. Even if you feel safe around someone, and think you could benefit from one to one conversations, please do not post contact details or ask somebody for theirs. This doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t share personal stories - the anonymity of the group should allow you to be as open as you are comfortable with without the need to initiate private communication.

Any posts containing contact information or other identifying information will be removed, and repeat posts may lead to your account being blocked.

Posts should relate to the experience of those affected by someone else’s substance use

Please remember that this forum is here to support people affected by somebody else’s substance use. Posts should related to experiences of someone else’s substance use.

Posts solely relating to personal experience of addiction will be removed. If you are looking for support regarding your own substance use, please call any of the following helplines:

Alcohol:

  • Drinkline: 0300 123 1110
  • Alcoholics Anonymous: 0800 9177 650

Drugs:

  • Frank: 0300 1236 600
  • Narcotics Anonymous: 0300 999 1212

Be respectful, supportive and non-judgmental

As everyone using this forum is aware, substance use and family relationships are very sensitive issues. It is important that forum users carefully consider their tone when posting. Always talk from your own experience, and never suggest that somebody else’s attitude or experience is wrong. Please do offer supportive advice, but do not insist that there is one way of doing something.

Posts will be removed if they contain

  • Personal attacks
  • Discriminatory comments
  • Misinformation
  • Links to illegal websites
  • Spam or links to websites promoting/selling anything

Please also be mindful of the original topic of each thread. Try to make sure that conversations are carried out on the relevant thread. This will help people to navigate the forum and find appropriate support, and it will also prevent certain issues from drowning out others.

Thank you very much for joining our forum. These guidelines are for the benefit of our community, and so any posts that do not adhere to all of these guidelines will be removed, and accounts may be blocked.

Share Your Story

1670 threads

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Drugs/drink by

Right so my partner I’ve been with for 4 years now and currently pregnant with my 3rd child, first girl so should be excited. But my partners addicted to drink which I didn’t mind at the beginning but now he’s started getting nasty and drinking more I was more bothered about the drugs! He’s also addicted to heroin, crack cokecain and methadone! I’ve tried everything to get him off it I’m not 34weeks + pregnant and very scared of what’s guna happen I really don’t know what to do I love him but it’s hard I can’t talk to him he ignores me and I don’t want family and friends to know as I feel embarrassed as it is with how against drugs I am!

1 post

Partners 13 year cocaine addiction by

He's been taking cocaine for 13 years, i only found out 4 years ago, when outstanding bills arrived at our home. At the worse, he was using £600 a week. Our doctor advised him to seek help at an addiction centre, which he did and was off the substance for 12 months, but has started using again. I think I have supported him as much as I can. Even when I had cancer 2 years ago, and needed his support, he continued to use. Today he tested positive again, became angry, denied he had used etc etc! Is there a chance in hell, I can help him while the centre he attends is closed due to Covid, or is it time to walk away from this relationship? We have been together 36 years.

by BT1978

4 posts

Any advice please by

Hi All, my son has been using drugs since college - 10 years ago now - started off with weed, had some nasty experiences with acid and is now regularly using cocaine. He is a very kind lovely person underneath all this and I just don't know what to do to help. I have made the decision not to help him financially any more (there's nothing left anyway). He has lost his house, cannot have contact with his son and lost his job that he really enjoyed. He is now working again through an agency and has a new girlfriend but she regularly uses weed (nothing else that I know of) It just seems that nothing is enough for him to stop and I don't understand it. I have been a single parent for most of his life and wonder if I could have done anything to stop this.

by BT1978

8 posts

Drugs, alcohol and mental health

215 threads

1400 posts

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Cocaine - cheating boyfriend by

hello (i really wanna put a smiley face or an exclamation mark to not seem blunt but ive hit an all time low rn so bare with me) me and my boyfriend have been together for just under a year, he’s a couple of years older than me and we met at work. ever since our first conversation we’ve had amazing chemistry and something about him has always seemed so right? we’re very similar people and have a lot of relatable things to speak about. ive always been really inspired by him as he was stabbed in a random attack by a group of guys when he was 20, he nearly died yet will never bring it up or use it as an excuse etc. he’s just extremely humble about it. he’s had a really hard life but has the loveliest personality and i was so drawn to how strong he was and how much he would open up to me. -also just putting this in here as its relevant later on, both of us are very sexual / kinky people and often spoke to each other about porn etc. and when we was on coke we’d often watch it together, sex was something spoken about often in our relationship- fast forward a few months and i end up helping him out with money a few times - buying groceries, paying his phone bill, etc. he’s always had bad luck with jobs and doesnt have any savings - i soon found out each month he was gambling most of his money away. we spoke a bit about it and i told him i wanted to support him and i just needed him to be honest with me and he agreed - a couple of times after that he ended up gambling more than he could afford to lose but each time seemed to be a wake up call and i was sure it wouldnt happen again. a month or so later i decided on my birthday i wanted to try cocaine, id never done it before but knew he had and he was welcome to the idea. little did i know that a few months before we ended up dating he had a coke addiction. it was only for a couple of months and he managed to get himself off of it, but i felt like a lot of the issues that happened after this rooted from me deciding to try coke as maybe if i was never interested none of this would have happened? i realised i fucked up when i went to pick him up on my birthday and he told me he’d done all of the coke he’s bought for us to do the night before, sitting in his room, by himself. i was so upset and horrified he’d lied to me about it and not told me that he couldnt be trusted with it. we ended up getting more even after me saying i didnt want to, he really pushed me to get it and said it was because he felt guilty. since my birthday we’ve done it together about 5-7 times, we’ve done it quite often in lockdown and always made a point that it is a ‘treat’ and not to be abused (there was another time we had some in the house for a party the next day and whilst i was asleep he did it all without me then we had to buy more again the next day - thats when i realised it was a bad problem). we did coke together a couple of days ago as he works nights and we’d ended up messing up our sleep schedule as we visited a zoo that day and obviously couldnt have woken up at our usual 4-5pm, so we purely did it just so he could stay awake long enough for us to sort our sleeping pattern out. i woke up the next day to him stating he hadnt slept a lot, and i found out he’d got another gram whilst i was sleeping and gone another night not sleeping - making him call sick into work. i was kinda pissed but didnt think much of it. because of his history with gambling every month or so i’ll check his phone to make sure he hasnt been losing all of his money behind my back, but this time i found something much worse than that. i found out he had been messaging girls and exchanging photos and dirty messages when he’d got the extra coke and i was asleep in bed next to him. listen to me when i say i am extremely understanding - i know what coke does to people and how it makes you horny and you dont think about anything other than the coke but like.... i was asleep next to him??? i confronted him and he blamed it on being ‘messed up’ and was super apologetic and affectionate but i refused to kiss him - when i eventually did a few hours later i couldnt stop myself crying because all i could think about was the messages. he’s asleep right now and i looked back and found a few messages from december with other girls (most probably on a night he was messed up again) so its happened once or twice before. i just dont know what to believe as he is the kindest, most affectionate and loving partner i have ever had and always makes me feel on top of the world - would i be stupid to stay with him if i give him a chance and he proves to me that it wont happen again? i know coke makes you eratic and horny so maybe it was just a one off thing? we dont use it often and after i confronted him he said he never wants to do it again because he never wants to hurt me like he did today. he’s currently sleeping and im hoping once he’s rested (as he hasnt slept for 48 hours) and has a clear and stable mind we’ll be able to talk and hopefully i’ll be able to forgive him? i just feel really lost and like im in a dream right now and really need someone to talk to. thank you, d x

by BT1978

2 posts

Day 1 by

This is my first post having just discovered this site today. I was looking for sites to help with withdrawal from Codeine addiction. This is my first day of codeine withdrawal. I need to stop. I feel like if I write it all down here - I am accountable and it’s out in the Universe, I have to do it and stick to it. If I’m being honest with myself I’ve probably been addicted for about 5 years but only in the last 2 years has it become a daily routine/chore/focus. I couldn’t go to bed without taking pills and my first thought in the morning is “how many do I have left? Do I need to buy today? Which chemist haven’t I been to in a while?” No one in my family knows or my partner. I have two children that I love and I just want to be rid of this hole I’ve gotten myself into. I would say I’m pretty high functioning - I have a busy full time job and carry out all my “mum duties” and housework without skipping a beat. But I feel like I’m hiding myself away more and more and feel almost removed from my relationships with everyone. I feel like I interact almost behind an invisible screen? I work in an office and mostly sit alone with this floaty feeling of euphoria, having popped my first lot of pills in the morning (with my first coffee!). I hide away in the kitchen at home using the excuse of cooking so I can pop pills and wash them down with wine/beer while I’m making the dinner. Top up again just before my partner comes home and that’s me for the night. This is my daily routine now. My partner works long shifts so doesn’t really notice. He knows I enjoy a wine (or 4!) but I know he would be horrified if he knew the truth. So why do I want to stop.....as I’ve said I’m beginning to feel separated from the people I love. I don’t socialise as much as I used to. I just mostly want to be home alone, not good when you’ve got kids and a busy life. I feel like I don’t have any real connections with anyone because during our conversations I’m nodding along but in my head thinking when can I take more pills? Should I drink tonight? It’s becoming all encompassing. As the child of alcoholics growing up, I swore my kids wouldn’t go through the same traumas and for the most part they are spared the fights and trauma that alcohol abuse brings but they've still dealing with a vague/vacant parent which must be confusing and worrying at times? There’s also the health implications. During my reading today - I always assumed it was the Codeine that’s the problem but the paracetamol in the tablets can cause more harm to the liver??? Recently I’ve felt a swelling feeling on the right hand of my abdomen which I’m terrified is the early stages of liver damage. I get really really insanely itchy skin at times - hands and feet mostly. I’ve also no motivation and I would say my mental health isn’t ever great either. I just want to be free from this mindset and constant thinking of pills and how to get more pills!!! Im terrified I’ve damaged my liver. I took my last pills at 4pm last night. I intend on going cold turkey. I feel like if I taper off then I’ll justify to myself an increase in usage and end up back where I started. So far I’m starting to feel like I’m getting a bad flu? I ache basically all over even my finger joints feel sore. I’m tired and really just want to have a bath and get some sleep lol! I also know this is probably going to get a lot worse before I feel better.... any advice anyone can give me to get through the next few days/weeks would be great. So I’m about to head home and this is the most worrying part of my day. For as much as I love my children, being a mum is BORING at times. Cooking and housework is boring, cooking/cleaning is always much more enjoyable when you’ve got this floaty feeling in your stomach. I really really want to go home and not drink (I’ve no pills in the house), but I can hear my inner voice already saying “just get a bottle of wine on your way home! It’s not as bad because you’ve no pills!”. Ugh....

by BT1978

17 posts

Bereavement

6 threads

56 posts

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Recognising alcoholism by

I’m so fearful my partner will drink until he has pickled his liver and kidneys. He drinks a 10 pack of beer every day. The other day he also had a litre bottle of sherry. 2 weeks before that he drank an almost full bottle of Cointreau liqueur both as well as the beer. On the weekend, almost guaranteed within 15 mins of waking up he asks if we have any beer. He’s out of work at the moment so it’s me that is covering the cost. I know I must be stronger to protect my own finances as it’s so expensive. The other night at midnight he asked if I could go to the shop for more beer. I went mad and said it’s not unreasonable for me to say no and what sort of man sends their loving partner into the night to do that. His father was an alcoholic I understand and died at 39 when my partner was 9. So worried for him now and for myself. I know I can’t help him and he has to want to help himself. Reading your helpful posts where help has sadly not worked makes me want to try harder. But I’m also at the point where I cannot face living my life this way forever with this man. He’s also into coke and weed. I’m worried I’ll get home one day and find him in a bad way. Has anyone else been here?

by Stimsh

4 posts

Lost husband to alcohol by

Hi all So glad I found this forum and hope my ramblings today will make sense to someone out there. I recently lost my husband to alcohol, and although he had other medical issues it was ultimately his drinking that killed him. Since his passing I have gone through many emotions, anger being the predominant one. Angry at him for giving in to it, angry at me for failing him, angry at medical professionals for failing him. Trust me, if I had a milkman I would probably find something to pin on him too. I dealt with his drinking for many years and have tried everything I could to get him to stop and/or seek help. He was getting help to be honest but in the end he thought he could handle it and paid the price. Right now I am very confused and wonder if he ever really cared for me and his family, yes he lied to me for years - part of the illness right? I trained myself to not take his lies, drinking, behaviour, personally but can't help but feel used and mistreated. Aside from myself and our children, none of his family were aware he had an issue and were stunned to find out after his death. I thought I was doing the right thing in keeping his secret but now I am questioning every decision I ever made Sorry for the ramblings, I just need to get these thoughts out and would be interested to know how others cope in a similar situation.

by R7byrne

9 posts

I just lost my brother by

Hi all. My brother died earlier this year from alcoholism. He was only in his mid forties and we are all heartbroken. We tried to help him but he locked us out of the house and denied he had a problem. For the last year of his life I think he was drinking every day and after his death we found bottles of vodka in his home which he was obviously drinking neat. I'm having a lot of issues coming to terms with his death and i dont think I ever will. I am trying to understand this addiction that is more powerful than love and family, that drove my successful brother to self destruct. I also cannot understand his denial. How could he pretend that everything was ok when it was clearly not? I would love to hear your stories and if you can help me understand this disease I would be very grateful. Thank you

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