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We know that if you are affected by someone else’s drug or alcohol use you might feel alone, or as if nobody understands what you are going through. This forum gives you the opportunity to share your feelings regarding your loved one’s substance use, to share experiences and support other people going through similar situations. This is a safe, nonjudgmental environment. There is no right or wrong way to deal with somebody else’s substance use. Everyone’s experience is different, and everyone’s experience is valid.

The views, information, or opinions expressed by those posting on the forum are solely those of the individual users and do not necessarily represent those of Adfam. Adfam takes no responsibility for the quality of responses and comments made on the forum. 

Never share personal contact information

It is very important that no personal information is disclosed on this forum. The forum is a safe place, and sharing personal information, especially contact details, could potentially make the forum a target for people seeking to take advantage of its members. Even if you feel safe around someone, and think you could benefit from one to one conversations, please do not post contact details or ask somebody for theirs. This doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t share personal stories - the anonymity of the group should allow you to be as open as you are comfortable with without the need to initiate private communication.

Any posts containing contact information or other identifying information will be removed, and repeat posts may lead to your account being blocked.

Posts should relate to the experience of those affected by someone else’s substance use

Please remember that this forum is here to support people affected by somebody else’s substance use. Posts should related to experiences of someone else’s substance use.

Posts solely relating to personal experience of addiction will be removed. If you are looking for support regarding your own substance use, please call any of the following helplines:

Alcohol:

  • Drinkline: 0300 123 1110
  • Alcoholics Anonymous: 0800 9177 650

Drugs:

  • Frank: 0300 1236 600
  • Narcotics Anonymous: 0300 999 1212

Be respectful, supportive and non-judgmental

As everyone using this forum is aware, substance use and family relationships are very sensitive issues. It is important that forum users carefully consider their tone when posting. Always talk from your own experience, and never suggest that somebody else’s attitude or experience is wrong. Please do offer supportive advice, but do not insist that there is one way of doing something.

Posts will be removed if they contain

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Please also be mindful of the original topic of each thread. Try to make sure that conversations are carried out on the relevant thread. This will help people to navigate the forum and find appropriate support, and it will also prevent certain issues from drowning out others.

Thank you very much for joining our forum. These guidelines are for the benefit of our community, and so any posts that do not adhere to all of these guidelines will be removed, and accounts may be blocked.

Share Your Story

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Husband hidden Crack addiction by

I met the man of my dreams 3 years ago he pursued me for over a year. flowers left at my door, notes on my car windscreen it was overwhelming and all consuming. Two months in; he went to collect a £250 deposit on a job at 10am he didn’t come home until 11pm. He was crying and begging me to forgive him he had spent the money on cocaine after bumping in to an old friend. His father rang me on the Monday and asked what had happened; he told me he had a past problem with the real hard stuff before; if only he had used the word ‘Crack’. I had no idea what he meant, I had no knowledge or experience of drugs at all. What I later learnt was that he’d had a crack addiction on and off for 20 years. Both his previous partners picked up the habit with him, he would use their money until it was gone, and then go off and use his own for binges. They both lost everything, one of them blew her £30,000 inheritance in 3 months with him. I thought they were just bitter, neither of them told me about the ‘Crack’ and none of his family were truthful, not even now. He hid his use from me and I honestly had no idea he was using Crack. To look at him you would never guess his secret. After the one early binge it didn’t happen again until a year later; the day before our wedding - when he disappeared in the afternoon and turned up at 8:30am on the day after spending £400. I was adamant the wedding was off; but he cried, broke down, he was distraught and hysterical, pleaded and I fell for it and the wedding went ahead. Despite what had happened It was the best day ever. Things returned to normal or so I thought. A month later he disappeared for the night again, and this became a regular pattern -disappear/£300/beg forgiveness. Gradually the stories emerged from his family about the repeat pattern of his behaviour; difference was I was not going to do it with him. He would always go to the same crack house and he was the only one who worked or had a vehicle so he became the cash cow for two manipulating addicts who called him their ‘Brotherling’ they spiked his crack with heroin; he was so disgusted with himself he cut his wrists and I sat with him in hospital whilst they stitched him up crying just wanting this chaos to all end. He hated himself and was adamant he would leave it all behind. He was so far In by now he was doing crack every day, trying to hide it from me, taking pregablin, Valium and benzodiazepines to cope with the come down and in turn they were making the come downs worse. He hated himself but just could not stop. He spoke to a GP who told him to brave it out and take paracetamol for the withdrawals. I hated his addiction but I loved him. He said all the time he just wanted a normal life away from it all. He told me he loved me everyday and would cry all the time about how ashamed he was and how much he hated himself. He went to turning point to get help but because of the pandemic services were limited. I was distraught I had lost my soul mate but I knew I had to leave. I knew I was enabling him by keeping normal life going whilst he had his sideline; that was essentially killing him and me. Life with a crack addict is horrific the nights when they disappear you worry that they have come to harm. you hate them for choosing the drug instead of the amazing life you could have had together and the love and times you have shared. You are going to work exhausted with stress and worry; as they come home and crash out on the sofa for the day. Everything is pure chaos and changes who you are forever. I don't think I will ever trust again I wake up every night feeling anxious and guilty for leaving him Will this feeling ever pass He was the love of my life but Crack was his; and is stronger than anything it truly is The Devil Drug

by Hilton

38 posts

After an alcohol ex. by

Hi, I'm new here and I'm looking for some advice or suggestions of how to cope with feelings and thoughts about alcohol in my life after I previously dated an alcoholic. Sorry it's a long post. My ex from years ago was an alcoholic and depressive, and two years after we broke up (but remained the best friends we always had been) he sadly died from suicide after a night out drinking (2017). ​(I f*cking missed his phonecall for help that fateful night, so I admit I live with huge guilt.) Anyway... My current partner (now fiance) I actually met when he was t-total, something that really appealed to me because it just simplifies things in my head regarding alcohol. But during the two years we have lived together he has started to introduce alcohol in to his life again, in a admittedly minor way. I'm not sure how I feel about it, but I'm not overly comfortable. I told him that, and he said he wouldn't drink if it's really something that bothers me. But then I've said it's ok for him to have the odd drink if he fancies it. But he now tends to buy a box of 10 cans of beer (value for money is better apparently) and then drink them in one or more often two nights. Which isn't a lot, I know. But it makes me nervous. He doesn't have any aggression or misbehaviour but it still makes me nervous. We have three teenage kids in the house (his from a previous marriage) and the morning after drinking he usually sleeps-in and is very tired and slow. He sometimes regrets it and leaves it a while before repeating the drinking. This bothers me because he isn't usually slow or lethargic without alcohol, or not often anyway. He occasionally fancies a beer or a cider or a wine and will buy something with the shopping, not often but maybe every couple of weeks now. It's usually to help him relax after a stressful week or stressful day. And it's how it all makes me feel, that I'm struggling with. Tonight in the supermarket I said in a very controlling manner "you should only buy two beers, that's your limit, I say so" and then he laughed along with my bossy semi-jokey character, then decided he wanted a bottle of wine instead and I said "no please, you shouldn't, what happened to t-total life?" And he was mortified I said it aloud in a shop and might have caused a scene. He said it's not right to say stuff like that. He has since been in a mood with me all night. Says if it's such an issue I should never encourage him to buy alcohol or have a drink. But I don't! I said I don't recall ever doing that. I genuinely don't. But he thinks I do, I make suggestions he should have a wee drink. I've said repeatedly that I'm not wholey comfortable with alcohol in the house, it brings back too many emotions and memories, but I know drink shouldn't be a problem because I trust him. He should be able to enjoy a drink. I shouldn't be watching and terrified of every can he has. But it's like alarms going off in my body that I can't control. Is there anything I can do to help relax around alcohol? I'm ok with myself having a drink because I know I only ever have a single cider or alike, twice a year. I can easy go a year with none. It doesn't fuss me. But I also don't get any emotions, memories or bad feelings about alcohol when it's me drinking. But it's clearly a fear seeing a partner drink. Like I said, he says he will go t-total for me why didn't I just say that. But I feel so controlling. Which makes me soooo unhappy I want to cry. Help? Advice please Edit: reflecting more on it. I realise I'm ok if he is having a drink withhhh me when I have my 'once or twice a year drink' ha! But when he drinks just himself which is most of the time, that's when I feel sooo strange and upset and anxious.

by Hilton

5 posts

Love, lying and anger. by

Hi, I met my partner 7 years ago, he was on a 3 year methadone treatment for heroin but was honest about it and told me he really wanted out. He was getting the care he needed and was very good about it. We fell in love and 4 years later, moved to a place where it was difficult for him to get his treatment (longer drive and different treatment plan that didn't really suit him) we talked about it, he said he wanted out of methadone and would slowly taper down his doses. I am not at all knowledgable on the subject of heroin and in hindsight, would have tried to advise differently. But it was always his journey, his fight and he felt confident. He got off it, feeling pretty bad, sleeping all the time, very depressed. He stayed clean for less than a year. I knew something was up. He wasn't himself, so euphoric and stupid then nodding off and falling asleep. He would get this look on his face. I knew it was heroin, I found little clues here and there. We talked, he said no, i have a sleeping problem. I told him something is up, I'm worried. I sent him to 3 doctors, gave him opportunities to get help. This lasted 2 years, he always denied. I trusted him. Gave him so much energy and love (and also tears and anger) Yesterday morning I found a bag of heroin on the table near my coffee mug. I freaked out. Sent him a picture, he denies, again, some crap excuse so that night I came home with a drug test. He finally breaks: he's sorry, he'll quit, he feels shameful and guilty. I'm exhausted. I love him and want to see him happy but I don't know if can ever trust him again. Will my life be a rollercoaster of love, lying and anger? My childhood was physically and emotionally abusive already, I don't feel like I have the tools or support system required to handle this. Also found out his brother, that spawn of satan, is the one tempting him and selling it to him. I sent him a really bad hate text this morning. That I dont recommend because I feel very guilty now. Thanks for reading

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Drugs, alcohol and mental health

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Boyfriend cheated on me with an escort under the influence of substance by

Hello. Not sure where to start from. After 18 months in a relationship; I find myself leaving him and it falls so hard on my heart. Prior to meeting him, I had no clue how a person under addiction looked like or behaved. I learned all his behaviors and understood using it when he lost his mom, but i never thought that he will be craving for it every 6 months to a year. I forgave him a few things done under the influence as i got to know him inside. I knew he needed help; he asked for it himself and i had faith. He started outpatient treatments and he is so charismatic and caring when not being under the substance influence; everyone loves him. I started having self esteem issues as he tempted to do sexting online when he would use it, and caught him and it was hard for me to trust him, but i did find the trust through belief and faith. Well; treatments have been helping him and he was being as a person whom i fell in love with the first time i met him and felt connected to through his eyes / soul. He went on a trip ten days ago, and prior to the trip i got upset seeing my friend bringing weed into our home. My boyfriend cut even weed to almost none for almost 2 months. He used the situation against me as we had a huge argument before he left on the work trip out of state. I was under impression we talked it over during his long trip , but i found out that he used drugs on the 2nd day being in that city and went with one escort. I was so crushed. He tried to call me every day to explain that he had no sexual intimacy, but just a bj and i was disgusted to hear it. I found myself in shock. 2-3 days of trying not to talk to him and finally i chose to listen and it sounded that we were talking more normal and i almost wanted to look it over as i know it was the substance. That same day he stayed in a hotel and not calling as promised so i felt it that he was using drugs constantly and that he could have been with some woman/ call it woman intuition especially if one knows her man well like i do know him. At that moment it was my intuition / an assumption. Days were passing by with arguments back and forth and me not wanting to answer his phone calls. Finally i did today. We spoke calm way and even there was a smile on our faces. I noticed that he was on drugs again and i was harsh friendly and compassionate if that makes sense. He thanked me for being understanding and promised that he wont use it again and regretted as i told him that he can pick up his stuff when he returns as i will pack them organized. I even said that he could stay for a few days under the same roof until he finds another accommodation. After having that talk; he kept on calling me and asking where i was; and it came another shock to be shared. That hotel night, my intuition did not lie; he admits to me that he had sex with another escort and that he had a blast and that he was under influence and that he thought that i dumped him because of the bj one and that i hated him. He wanted to share all this with me to get it off his chest as he felt guilty, but he does not say sorry at all; but he asked me to look at my heart for forgiveness; that he knows that i will leave him if he would cheat on me. He started explaining how it meant nothing to him, and how he wanted to be in control and how he regrets especially after i put it in stone to pick up his stuff after return. He started blaming me for things how h was not happy and a few hours prior to it he said how he was just sabotaging himself knowing that he wanted to spend his life with me, but thought that his substance addiction will never end although his treatment was going well. I feel that i am still in shock like i experienced trauma. I started even looking for answers if it is considered cheating when doing it with an escort. I couldnt believe to myself reading it. I came across from your chat blog . Please help me to cope this and to shake me up if i should consider forgiving him? Honestly i can not believe that i am considering it; but i know if there was no for substance he would not have done it; but i think he took the drugs in purpose in order to go with an escort. Please share your opinion what i should do; if i should look for that forgiveness or i should just leave as i have started to pack? Thank you 🙏🏻

by Esta

4 posts

I think my fiance is addicted to adderall by

Hi everyone! New here and just feeling very confused and sad and looking maybe for some clarity, advice and support. I've been with my fiance for 3 years and I will admit, it certainly hasn't been the most amazing relationship, but I stayed with him. We are now engaged and supposed to get married in October. I can't remember at what point during our relationship I found out he was taking adderall, but I honestly didn't think much of it. He was smart and responsible so I assumed what he was taking was a reasonable dose, but I've never used drugs and addiction doesn't run in my family, so its hard for me to put two-and-two together, plus I thought doctors diagnosed appropriately. Overtime, I noticed his anger and annoyance. He couldn't help himself to point out the smallest things to put me down and make himself feel better. He would blow up at the most ridiculous things. He couldn't have a conversation about an issue with screaming and yelling. So many times, after the blowup, I would literally sit there thinking "What the heck just happened?". It was so crazy to me that he would react the way he did. I'm not sure how to even truly describe how bizarre and off the way his reactions were. What was even more confusing to me was what he chose to focus on. He said he needed the adderall to be able to "tolerate me", for one, but also focus on work since he is in a VERY high-stress job. But once he finished work, he would play video games for HOURS. I had to force him to eat. In fact, he actually looks kind of malnourished. He never hangs out with his friends. He does nothing to take care of himself like workout or get enough sleep. He will come to bed after 12am, get up at 7am to start work, and the cycle starts again. Things continued to get worse. EVERYTHING was my fault. I was to blame. He would call me the nastiest names and then tell me I'm the reason our relationship is failing. He would get in my face and scream at me, pound his fist on the kitchen counter, kick me out of the house and so on. So many times I would just stand there while he was acting like that and calmly say "What is wrong with you?". Of course his response was that I was wrong with him. Anyways, I don't know what to do and I feel stupid for even being in this position. I hate to just accuse someone of being a drug addict but I don't see how that's not the case. The way he's acting just isn't normal. He is in complete denial.

Bereavement

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Not really sure what this is by

I don't know why I'm sharing this here really. I guess to see if anyone else may relate or feel some same ways possibly? I'm 29, my mum died 3 years ago and my dad 2 years ago 4 days prior to the first anniversary of her passing. I have so much regret for wasting the time I could have spent with them. Guilt for all the times I said I'd pop round after work but went for a pint instead. I just never expected them to not be here. Anyway. I wrote something and I just wanted to put it here because I know from the other topics no one judges here and i can share it without anyone really knowing its me. Its not a song or a poem or anything in particular just me trying to talk to my parents.... Sorry if its shit or doesn't read well Im not by any means a writer I'd say it's hard to put how I feel into words but that's not true, The hard part is putting into words the whole truth, the unspoken thankyou's, the unshown gratitude, the missed opportunity's there was to repay you. I guess the truth is I never understood the concept of life, or realised that the most precious thing we have is time. But I can never change how I spent mine, Despite the tears my eyes cry, No amount of photos on the wall can change the fact you both died. I often wonder if I'll ever see you on the other side. if you're watching the 3 of us from above using heaven to hide Because sometimes at night, when things haven't been right, from a dark room there's been a familiar light, Somehow I know it's you, even if the light is dim Reminding me I still have family, A little brother and a twin And some boys who are more like family even if their numbers are wearing thin. I'll use that light to guide me even when I can't see, Then pass it on the most beautiful girl I think the worlds ever seen Mum and dad meet Josie, Josie Janet giles dad I think she has your laugh, and mum she has your smile, For the first time since you left, she's made the world become clearer I'm staring into eyes the same as mine without looking in a mirror from her playground bumps and splitters And for the rest of all my winters I'll love her like you loved me and be the man you knew I was meant to

by Hilton

6 posts

Lost my brother on Monday to alcohol and paracetamol by

My brother has been an alcoholic and a drug addict for 30 years. He had so many friends but he was always skint and always borrowing or taking because all his money went on Cider and jager He was brave and strong however and worked for over 25 years as a London cycle courier. A solitary job which his father never understood and led to a strained relationship fueled once again by booze and cocaine. Last year in November after a terrible year where he was unable to work he succumbed to 2 heart attacks. He survived but continued to drink. He was desperate to return to work but he was admitted to the hospital at the weekend after an overdose of alcohol and paracetamol. His kidneys failed and he died on Monday. He had friends, a family but he still couldn't stop drinking. RIP my brother

Lost my Dad by

Glad I found this site and being able to feel that other people will understand how I feel even though this was several years ago . I lost my dad some years ago to drugs, had been an ongoing issue since I was a small child with periods of abstinence but ultimately reverted back and he was under 50 when he died. I have issues of guilt as I was in touch with him and every day, dealing with a&e visits and long term issues . I had kind of had enough and didn’t visit him and found he dead two days later . I know I couldn’t have done anything but just hits me and gets a bit overwhelming sometimes . I miss him, am angry with him and with myself

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