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Adfam forum guidelines

We know that if you are affected by someone else’s drug or alcohol use you might feel alone, or as if nobody understands what you are going through. This forum gives you the opportunity to share your feelings regarding your loved one’s substance use, to share experiences and support other people going through similar situations. This is a safe, nonjudgmental environment. There is no right or wrong way to deal with somebody else’s substance use. Everyone’s experience is different, and everyone’s experience is valid.

The views, information, or opinions expressed by those posting on the forum are solely those of the individual users and do not necessarily represent those of Adfam. Adfam takes no responsibility for the quality of responses and comments made on the forum. 

Never share personal contact information

It is very important that no personal information is disclosed on this forum. The forum is a safe place, and sharing personal information, especially contact details, could potentially make the forum a target for people seeking to take advantage of its members. Even if you feel safe around someone, and think you could benefit from one to one conversations, please do not post contact details or ask somebody for theirs. This doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t share personal stories - the anonymity of the group should allow you to be as open as you are comfortable with without the need to initiate private communication.

Any posts containing contact information or other identifying information will be removed, and repeat posts may lead to your account being blocked.

Posts should relate to the experience of those affected by someone else’s substance use

Please remember that this forum is here to support people affected by somebody else’s substance use. Posts should related to experiences of someone else’s substance use.

Posts solely relating to personal experience of addiction will be removed. If you are looking for support regarding your own substance use, please call any of the following helplines:

Alcohol:

  • Drinkline: 0300 123 1110
  • Alcoholics Anonymous: 0800 9177 650

Drugs:

  • Frank: 0300 1236 600
  • Narcotics Anonymous: 0300 999 1212

Be respectful, supportive and non-judgmental

As everyone using this forum is aware, substance use and family relationships are very sensitive issues. It is important that forum users carefully consider their tone when posting. Always talk from your own experience, and never suggest that somebody else’s attitude or experience is wrong. Please do offer supportive advice, but do not insist that there is one way of doing something.

Posts will be removed if they contain

  • Personal attacks
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  • Misinformation
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  • Spam or links to websites promoting/selling anything

Please also be mindful of the original topic of each thread. Try to make sure that conversations are carried out on the relevant thread. This will help people to navigate the forum and find appropriate support, and it will also prevent certain issues from drowning out others.

Thank you very much for joining our forum. These guidelines are for the benefit of our community, and so any posts that do not adhere to all of these guidelines will be removed, and accounts may be blocked.

Share Your Story

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Husband using all our money for cocaine by

So my husband has a cocaine addiction. We met 5 years ago through smoking weed and as we got to know each other he introduced me to cocaine and speed. We were on it constantly, then he got offered some spice. He smoked it in a bong and had a seizure, then on I stopped all of the drugs and haven’t touch any drugs in 3 years. I now have a 5 month old baby girl and I thought everything was perfect. A month after having our little girl I got a call from our estate agents saying the rent had not been paid (Which confuses me because my husband told me he had paid the rent) . I confronted him about it and this is when all of the lies started. He denied it and we had a massive argument and he threw me out, leaving my little girl behind whilst I stayed at my mums. (It was heart wrenching having to leave her). 3 days later I found out that he had spent all of our rent money on cocaine, i then confronted him and it turned out that he had also spent all of his wages on it even though he had told me that he didn’t get his wages for that month. A month after he told me he wanted to stop doing it and needed my help so I tried to help him but nothing seemed to help. The day before Valentine’s Day this year he had spent quite a substantial amount on it again and when I asked him if had any more since the day before Valentine’s he said no. The next morning he told me that he had logged onto my bank, gone onto our kids savings account for their birthdays and taken 40 pounds out. I was so angry. We talked and kissed and made up and I thought I could trust him again. A few months down the line he had been paid and he wired all of his money into my bank so that he couldn’t buy coke but then asked if he could have 40 pounds back to get some and like the idiot I am I said yes just 40. Later that night he came home begging for more money to get more and I was saying no. So he went a took our our baby girls milk money and snatched my card off me and drew more money out. I was devastated. Today he asked for 20 pounds from his wages to buy a bit and I said yes and he swore on his fathers grave and his little boys life that he wouldn’t ask for anymore. He came back a few hours after begging for more money, I kept saying no and he started raising his voice at me in front of our Until I eventually gave in just to stop the kids from seeing him like that and he’s been out ever since. Blaming it all on me saying that I haven’t helped him. I need to protect my little girl from all these drugs and from the person that he’s becoming but he’s already said that if I leave I can’t take my daughter with me and any parent knows that being told they can’t take their child with them is heart wrenching. I love him but I can’t take much more of this, I really need some advice on what to do. It makes me so upset and heartbroken. I’m stuck in a situation and don’t know how to make everything okay for everyone including myself. He’s pushing me to breaking point and it’s really affecting my mental health. I can’t bare the thought of not being with my daughter. Please help.

by 68862

5 posts

Drugs or suicide by

Hi again and thank you to all who responded to my last posts. My son has been in communication with me today said he’s scared to come, hasn’t showered for a week and still has the same clothes on from a week ago! This is not my 38 year old ex royal marine that I know He has also implied that he is suicidal, he is coming down from a week of cocaine but how do we deal with this? Any thoughts gratefully received I know if he’s going to do it he will and I will provide support but the dilemma is ‘tough love’ support vs gentle approach to support his come down after a week of cocaine ...

Son's Addiction. by

Hi everyone, I haven't posted anything on here for a while, here goes. Visited my son at the weekend, and he seemed depressed and withdrawn. He says he has stopped taking heroin, but can I believe him ? He was receiving support from a local drug project, buy unfortunately, didnt end up going to his latest appointment. They gave him a week to reply to them, saying if he didnt contact them, they would close his case ! This is a shame, as he wasnt receiving help from anywhere else. He finds the helplines to generic, whatever that means ! He lost his job a few months ago, and is trying to find work, but finding this hard. Hence he has asked for a loan, which we have given to him. Trying to get help for him is difficult, his GP is not keen to refer him for community health support, as he has had substance issues. I didnt find any evidence of the drugs when I was there. He did apologise for his mood at the weekend. I did wonder if he was on a detox, but there was no evidence of this. I don't know what to think ! X

by Llm888

67 posts

Drugs, alcohol and mental health

374 threads

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Addiction to cocaine by

I just left my boyfriend of 4 years due to his addiction to cocaine. I’ve been on here for the past couple years just reading and never posting much. We share a child together and he has another child from another relationship who I consider to be mine so this decision wasn’t easy. I found out my boyfriend was an addict a few days before finding out I was pregnant (my son is now 2). It all started when I found a bag of blow while sweeping our patio with a rolled up bill. I was livid as his daughter was 2 and a half at the time. He reassured me it was his friends and as upset as I was I had no reason to not believe him. I couldn’t get over that day something just didn’t sit right so a couple months later I snooped and found out he failed a drug test for work and that’s why he stopped working up north ( he told me he wanted to be around his child and me more) and a few days later I found out I was pregnant. I was confused and scared since I didn’t want to be a single mom but the more we talked the more I believed he wanted to change. It’s been an up and down ride with nothing but lies. I finally left last may and in aug he said he was going to get clean and do meetings. He was clean for 5 months and I moved back in when he was on month 3. Long story short he started drinking again in January and the drugs started happening right away. One night he didn’t come home (he’s done this before) but something felt off this time so I checked his phone records a few weeks later and found he had called an escort a few times. He denied everything but deep down I know the truth so I left again. He says he wants to get clean and I want to believe him but I can’t anymore. He said if I loved him I would of never left. He went from understanding as to why I left to now shifting blame saying I would still be by his side. As he’s saying this I’ve been getting messages from other girls saying he’s been trying to contact them. I’m confused why he is messaging me saying he wants to be a family but he’s doing this? Is this normal behaviour of an addict?

by 68862

6 posts

How to feel about it? by

I am really interested to learn what others views are on this, whether or not this is an area for debate or I am just thinking about it all wrong! Do you treat the addiction in your loved ones as an illness or a choice they make? I have always been of the understanding that addiction is very much an illness, yet many people relate to it being choices the person is making. I struggle very much with how I feel about my partners drinking and how to respond to him. Should I be sympathetic or annoyed? Should I continue trying to help and support him, or is he making a choice to lie to me and continue drinking? Is it one or the other? Or a bit of both? I feel completely confused and lost as to how to feel about it all and I would be really interested in hearing from others on this as I am really struggling right now. Thank you.

Boyfriend with cocaine addiction by

So it’s nearly 4am and for the second night I’m in bed and my boyfriend is downstairs awake. I know he’s done cocaine. He thinks I can’t tell but who would still be up now. It’s obvious he just can’t sleep because of it. He was up all night last night and slept all day. I feel like I’m single. I can’t seem to break myself out of his cycle. I have never taken drugs but I can completely understand his situation but the broken promises and the debt I’m now in because of this. I am now depressed. I had counselling as I thought it would help me to help him but I can’t afford that anymore. He tells me he will get help and writes these lists to say he’s helping himself but nothing happens and it just gets worse again.

Bereavement

11 threads

133 posts

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Partner deteriorated quickly to alcoholism by

I lost my partner yesterday and we have a 19 year old son. He refused any medical intervention. He died at home which was his wish with suspected liver failure judging by his yellow appearance. I tried so hard to get his doctor involved but ultimately it had to be with his say so and again he refused! He had no pain relief and for the last 3 days was in a lot of pain but he made his peace with me and our son and managed through laboured breaths to give us some of life’s advice and apologised a lot until he could no longer speak. It was heartbreaking but I kept him comfortable and warm. On his last day he was bleeding from his throat and I was so scared for him, pleaded with him to let me call an ambulance. That night we both fell asleep in the living room as I didn’t want to leave him alone but only I woke up! It was 3 am and I sat with him for 3 hours because I just couldn’t accept he had gone and convinced myself I could see him breathing so I didn’t want to startle him by vigorously checking for his pulse. It wasn’t until I stroked his hand that I realised he had gone and must have done hours earlier. Now I seek comfort from knowing that he wasn’t alone in hospital, it wasn’t a crisis like I was expecting and he died peacefully in his sleep looking serene. He no longer suffers and is free from his demons. He was a lovely person but the alcoholism made him very combative at times which I took personally, although I never argued back, but I forgive that now because I realise it was part of his deteriorating liver and the toxins affecting his brain. I’m feeling all sorts of things right now...guilt, anger, sadness, bereft, numb, exhausted but I can’t sit still, every time I start to cry it immediately stops leaving me with a headache. I look at my son who is coping brilliantly and feel guilty that I still have my Dad. I’m sad that the alcohol won and took him from us so young. It really was like a beautiful tree that was watered daily by weed killer making it slowly wilt and die. It impaired his decisions and left him with a variety of mental health conditions. It was all unbearable for my son and I to have experienced for the last 3 years and we feel a kind of relief now, which also makes us feel guilty. I’m hoping these yo-yos of emotions will soon settle. I’ve learned that people who are victim to an addiction will have a root cause that needs addressing before they can give it up. Having a loving family around him wasn’t enough and we tried everything to help!! I felt in the dark and not prepared for what would happen at the end as there’s not enough advice online and his doctor told me to expect something catastrophic to happen very soon. I feel by writing this and sharing this awful, exhausting experience it may help someone who might be in that same position right now. It was a peaceful ending for him and not a horrific experience as he was asleep, I had feared he would choke to death or his heart would pack up so I’m blessed he went that way. But still, it’s such a waste of life. Alcoholics are much more than that person who drinks a bit too much, they are suffering with something and seek to numb their pain! Once the wound heals my son and I will thrive but for now we are missing him! Be kind to yourselves and your loved ones suffering addiction and I hope they don’t succumb to their addictions like my partner did. Please make them know that it is an illness that can be treated and that you love them. Sorry this was a long item to read but it is the tip of the iceberg!

by JEM

27 posts

I'm struggling by

Hi, I just lost my husband 2 months ago to alcoholism.....alcohol poisoning. We were divorcing and this is the result. I feel guilty, but i tried EVERYTHING I knew too. Myself and our daughters begged and pleaded for more than 10 years...nothing could reach him. He'd make promises....improve for a couple of weeks and then the lies and sneaking would start all over again. I had reached the point where it was ruining our lives and home...we had to have a stop to it. I watched the man I loved....(still love) slowly slipping away until he was completely gone. Its devastating! We are left with Mountains of debt, no life insurance, and two children. He was such a smart man.....it took his job, his family, then him. I've been with him since I was 15...together for 32 years....I dont know where to even begin without him.

by jtekg4

20 posts

Lost my mum by

Hi, I’m struggling to know where to turn or what to do and I’ve ended up here, looking for help from strangers. All my friends are too awkward to be around me or ask how I am since I lost my mum 8 weeks ago. She was an alcoholic who I’d put a little space between us, trying to protect myself as I knew it was inevitable. It hasn’t helped at all and I’m really struggling, made worse as my friends have vanished. I have never felt so lonely in my life and don’t know what to do. I feel so bitter about it on top of everything else. How did other people deal with this? I’m sorry if I seem mopey or full of self pity, I just feel so stuck in a really negative and lonely place. Thank you in advance for any suggestions or help

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