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Adfam forum guidelines

We know that if you are affected by someone else’s drug or alcohol use you might feel alone, or as if nobody understands what you are going through. This forum gives you the opportunity to share your feelings regarding your loved one’s substance use, to share experiences and support other people going through similar situations. This is a safe, nonjudgmental environment. There is no right or wrong way to deal with somebody else’s substance use. Everyone’s experience is different, and everyone’s experience is valid.

The views, information, or opinions expressed by those posting on the forum are solely those of the individual users and do not necessarily represent those of Adfam. Adfam takes no responsibility for the quality of responses and comments made on the forum. 

Never share personal contact information

It is very important that no personal information is disclosed on this forum. The forum is a safe place, and sharing personal information, especially contact details, could potentially make the forum a target for people seeking to take advantage of its members. Even if you feel safe around someone, and think you could benefit from one to one conversations, please do not post contact details or ask somebody for theirs. This doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t share personal stories - the anonymity of the group should allow you to be as open as you are comfortable with without the need to initiate private communication.

Any posts containing contact information or other identifying information will be removed, and repeat posts may lead to your account being blocked.

Posts should relate to the experience of those affected by someone else’s substance use

Please remember that this forum is here to support people affected by somebody else’s substance use. Posts should related to experiences of someone else’s substance use.

Posts solely relating to personal experience of addiction will be removed. If you are looking for support regarding your own substance use, please call any of the following helplines:

Alcohol:

  • Drinkline: 0300 123 1110
  • Alcoholics Anonymous: 0800 9177 650

Drugs:

  • Frank: 0300 1236 600
  • Narcotics Anonymous: 0300 999 1212

Be respectful, supportive and non-judgmental

As everyone using this forum is aware, substance use and family relationships are very sensitive issues. It is important that forum users carefully consider their tone when posting. Always talk from your own experience, and never suggest that somebody else’s attitude or experience is wrong. Please do offer supportive advice, but do not insist that there is one way of doing something.

Posts will be removed if they contain

  • Personal attacks
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  • Misinformation
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  • Spam or links to websites promoting/selling anything

Please also be mindful of the original topic of each thread. Try to make sure that conversations are carried out on the relevant thread. This will help people to navigate the forum and find appropriate support, and it will also prevent certain issues from drowning out others.

Thank you very much for joining our forum. These guidelines are for the benefit of our community, and so any posts that do not adhere to all of these guidelines will be removed, and accounts may be blocked.

Share Your Story

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Theresa by

I don’t know what to do my son is in his mid 30’s and has lost his home his car and only goes to work to get money for cocaine. We bought him a small business and a car and told him to pay back what he can weekly. He’s not paid a penny back. We told him he could stay with us as long as he kept his space clean and didn’t smoke the really strong dope as it makes both my husband and I feel physically sick. He kept smoking it and my husband told him to find somewhere else to stay. That was a year ago and he’s came back saying he’s nowhere to go during lockdown. I am shielding and now he’s in our caravan in the garden not going to work borrowing money and saying he’s ill and can’t go to work. My husband has gave up and doesn’t speak to him and is angry at me for letting him stay in the caravan but I’m his mother and don’t know what else to do.

Fiancée, cocaine, done... by

Hi guys, I’ve been reading posts and I’m so glad I have found this site and you guys! In all honesty I’m exhausted and don’t know what to do. I’ll start from the beginning. We have been together 8 years now, we have two children together and he has two which are older and live with their mum. When we first got together I found out he smoked weed, I soon came round to it and thought well nobody ever gets aggressive or anything on weed, loads of people do it. So I accepted it. Scroll forward a few years, I was pregnant with our first child, I had a horrendous pregnancy. I thought it was just me being hormonal but I was sure he was being weird, not attentive. I sneaked a look at his messenger and he had been chatting up a girl. Eventually after arguments etc, we tried working through it. We went to London before all this and he had brought some cocaine for himself to try. I thought well once can’t harm... We got pregnant again very soon after having our first, he still wasn’t very attentive, I felt like he didn’t want me and he found me repulsive, our sex life went down the drain, he just didn’t seem interested at all. Talk after talk he couldn’t see what my problem was! It was all my fault, I never try, I stopped doing this etc etc. By this point I had bad post natal depression. Scroll forward a bit more, I find out he’s dealing it now. Between this time, he started doing it every Weekend. Now he has a £100 a day habit. My oldest is now 5 year old so he’s been doing it a while. I’ve asked him to stop and he always says he’s not addicted and doesn’t have a problem. We’ve had argument after argument about his behaviour towards me. I got brain damage from carbon monoxide poisoning and ended up with even worse anxiety. Had an anxiety attack and he just walked past me and carried on working, could t be bothered to support me. Sex life has gotten even worse than before. I’ve had a feeling for days something isn’t right, looked on him messenger and yet again he’s been messaging woman. He eventually admitted he had been messaging about 10 women, starting near Christmas; which makes sense because I may as well of done Christmas by myself. I feel so lonely all the time, more so when he’s there! I’ll admit when I found out he’s been messaging woman AGAIN, I hit him a few times, in all honesty he deserved it. I’ve managed to get him to call someone to help and we are waiting on a call in a few days. I’m just so fed up and exhausted, I feel pulled down, betrayed, unloved, ugly, am I not good enough. He says he loves me but who treats someone like that, I feel like such a mug staying but at the same time I don’t know if I have the energy to help after all the pull downs and hurtful things he says. Do I even love him anymore! I don’t know... Are all addicts like this? Selfish to the core? Why the cheating? Nothing I do for him is enough or he’s so wrapped up in himself he doesn’t notice anything I do, half the time he’s doesn’t even know what I’ve said. He doesn’t go to bed till between 3-5am some days 6-7am!! So obviously he spends half the day in bed too. So my company for the day is two children and then a grumpy addict who doesn’t want to talk to me until he goes to work and then repeat. I don’t know what to do... sorry for long rant 🤦‍♀️

Cocaine, lies and going round in circles by

Hi everyone, I first wrote on here over 6 months ago and I don't think I could have got through that time without the support I received from people on here that understood. My fiance had been hiding a cocaine addiction £100 and day and I ended up making him leave my home, we tried everything. He got a flat just up the road from me, we remained in contact he had regular drugs tests, drug counselor, couple's counselling with the end goal possibly sorting this mess out. He had supposedly been clean all this time, few weeks ago I was helping him clean his flat and found evidence of drug use. He admitted he relapsed, and it was done with and he wished he never did it. I was glad he was truthful. Anyway, past month we have had nothing but arguments. Alot of behavior what I saw in him before, jealousy, paranoia, blaming me for things, talking about my parenting and pulling me down. He's done nothing but sleep, had his face in his Xmas dinner, missed new years Eve because he wouldn't wake up. I knew better than to ignore my instincts again. I tested him, came back negative and I was shocked. Went round to see him yesterday and he was laid in flat in darkness, mess everywhere, blood all over his fingers from gouging at his face. Wouldn't wake up. There was powder residue on the side. He shouted at me to get out and go away and I haven't heard anything since. I guess what I need help with is how do I go forward, I know this isnt how I want to spend the rest of my life. He stopped the counselor and refused to pay him, he's obviously getting someone else's urine for tests. Do I just cut him out of my life? Iv done everything to try, everything.

by Hw12

18 posts

Drugs, alcohol and mental health

326 threads

2278 posts

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Cocaine Addiction - Feeling lost, alone and pretty helpless by

Hi All, I am here as I do not know where else to turn! Up until a year ago I had never tried recreational drugs other than cannabis, I then hit 38 and randomly craved Cocaine, I then broke both wrists and used it combined with alcohol to ease the pain. I am female, have a wonderful Husband and children and am disgusted by my behaviour, it feels like I am in self destruct mode. I don't even enjoy using it. Since the lockdown my use has become more frequent every other day and I only use it if I drink alcohol. Alcohol has always been my crutch and now it triggers cocaine use. I wish more than anything that I could go back in time to that first night and never have tried it in the first place. I have not hidden the fact from anyone in fact I have been honest throughout. I don't want to be that person I look at in the mirror any longer after a bender. I spent 4 years rebuilding a new me after a breakdown and feel all my work is unravelling. I have a septum perforation which I have told no one about but is worrying me constantly, worry leads to alcohol, alcohol leads to cocaine. I know what I need to do and that is to simply stop - I just feel so lost. I was once the person who helped others with drug problems and in a year I have turned into that person needing help. Any advice would be welcomed and recovery stories, I cannot go on like this any longer, my family deserve better and so do I. Many thanks for listening.

My fiance has a cocaine addiction. Do I stand by him after everything hes done? by

Hi. I found this page as I need support. My partner of 7 years is addicted to cocaine. I suspected something wasnt right for months and one day called his bluff and said I knew everything.. to which then he broke down and came clean about the drugs. He would tell me he didnt have a job or pretended he got paid less (self employed painter and decorator). So I was covering all the Bill's while paying for our wedding and buying everything for our kids christmas (2 kids aged 5 and 2) while he was feeding his habit. I decided to stick by him and help him through. Only now I realise he wasnt ready for the help. Fast forward a few months and he got worse, I found him in parties with just girls (he claims he was only using them for the coke). I'd had enough and he moved into his mums. Then of course spiralled even more out if control here.. he stopped coming to see the kids he was sleeping around behind my back while still making false promises to me. It broke my heart. But I do genuinely believe theres a good person in there. For the 7 years we were together he was perfect, left notes around the house everyday. Treated me like a queen. But this drug has consumed him and changed him. Hes now 2 weeks clean, has been going to several meetings, docs apps you name it. He wants his family back and I love him and want the same. But can he really change? I was due to be married to him in september and by december he was sleeping with another girl a week after I asked him to leave our home and sort his life out. I want to believe it's been the drugged up binge thats caused this behaviour. I suppose my question is, once the drugs have changed who they are.. can they ever return to who they used to be? Does anyone have success stories...

Update on brother: by

Hi guys. I went by the name of anon20 on here but I forgot my login. I posted a few months ago about my early 20s year old brother who had extreme drug addiction and was pyschotic. My parents paid for him to go private rehab which he wanted to go but it all went wrong within 2 days he was home. Since then, he got a job and really turned his life around. I was so proud. And then.... lock down happened and he had no routine. Christmas was lovely but the alcohol wasn’t going unnoticed. Please bare in mind he lives with my mother who works full time and owns her own business. My dad is also only 5 minutes away but he works full time and cares for his mother too she lives in the same house as him. So anyway, the last 3 weeks - he got diagnosed with adhd and was prescribed ritalin. Ritalin is extremely dangerous to be taken with any other drugs or excessive alcohol, irs fatal. So the weekend before last, he drank 4 bottles of vodka whilst on ritalin and collapsed foaming at the mouth ended up in hospital almost died. On Fridays - sundays my mother goes over her partners house. So he was there with 2 friends. He was ok after a day and released and apologised profoundly and everything was alright. except he carried on this drinking binge every night since then, I also think he’s taking drugs but he won’t admit he is. So this weekend, invites loads of people over to my mothers house including a boy who is banned from my house as he has stolen from our house before. They trash the house, broken wardrobe broken lamp (all expensive) absolute chaos. I rang his phone on Sunday night to be met with a off it boy on video call showing me my brother on the floor face down saying he’s dead, the fire alarm going off while he helps himself to the food in my mothers house and sits there eating a steak while my brother is in the floor passed out. I was beside myself so I had to call my parents. This is Sunday about 9 pm, my mother was due home about 8 am ready for online work meetings. My dad went up and made sure my brother was ok, he was just very drunk and he told them you better spend all night cleaning. So they did but there was still things broken a wardrobe outside etc. When my mother walked in at 8, she said can you please leave to this boy and he said ‘not a minute love I’m eating chicken’ to which she chucked both him and my brother out as the disrespect was just intorelable. This is far far far from a isolated incident. Something happens every other night. My mother said this is absolutely getting too far and told him he needs to find somewhere to live and she will support him and top up the rent etc. There was no shouting no nothing just a very fair and firm this is it now. Anyway, he got a temporary 24 hour serviced flat until Monday where he is viewing a 2 bedroom nice flat he can live in. This temporary place has its own en-suite and kitchen etc it’s clean and absolutely fine it looks like a student halls. He seemed happy and fine and glad because he didn’t want to live in my mothers house anymore as he is getting older. Anyway fast forward to right now as I’m writing this at 5:47 he attempted to steal a car at 3 am this morning and because the police know him, they took him to my mothers house first and gave him the opportunity not to be arrested and my mother said get in and go to bed now and he refused and said nah I’ll just be going out again and then the police said rightio you’re coming with us then. He’s in custody now. My is not supportive of my mothers decision to say he can’t live in the house anymore. He makes excuses for my brother and gets him out of every single thing he does and like makes excuses. He makes my mother feel bad about her decisions but when the HELL is he going to learn??? I feel so angry. I love my brother so much he is my best friend in the world. When I tell you he’s the sweetest funniest boy, I mean it, so hearing he tried to steal a car is like absolute bizarre to me when just a few hours before we were making spaghetti happy and laughing. Its the alcohol, drugs, whatever it is, flicks a switch and he is not my brother when he does. I don’t want to be anywhere near him when he does these things. But I know the things he’s been through (trauma etc) make the need for these substances worse but he was doing them way before that. And he needs therapy but every time he gets the chance something jusy goes wrong. I don’t know what to do. I feel sick every day checking my phone to see if he’s been online or if he’s alive. I’m scared that my dad will blame my mother is something bad happens but he doesn’t understand that my brother does these things whether he’s in the house or not. It doesn’t matter where he is he does the same behaviours. Her mental health is important too just as my dads is and just as my brothers is. Can anyone relate???? Sorry this is so long

1 post

Bereavement

6 threads

71 posts

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Lost husband to alcohol by

Hi all So glad I found this forum and hope my ramblings today will make sense to someone out there. I recently lost my husband to alcohol, and although he had other medical issues it was ultimately his drinking that killed him. Since his passing I have gone through many emotions, anger being the predominant one. Angry at him for giving in to it, angry at me for failing him, angry at medical professionals for failing him. Trust me, if I had a milkman I would probably find something to pin on him too. I dealt with his drinking for many years and have tried everything I could to get him to stop and/or seek help. He was getting help to be honest but in the end he thought he could handle it and paid the price. Right now I am very confused and wonder if he ever really cared for me and his family, yes he lied to me for years - part of the illness right? I trained myself to not take his lies, drinking, behaviour, personally but can't help but feel used and mistreated. Aside from myself and our children, none of his family were aware he had an issue and were stunned to find out after his death. I thought I was doing the right thing in keeping his secret but now I am questioning every decision I ever made Sorry for the ramblings, I just need to get these thoughts out and would be interested to know how others cope in a similar situation.

by tin2x

17 posts

I just lost my brother by

Hi all. My brother died earlier this year from alcoholism. He was only in his mid forties and we are all heartbroken. We tried to help him but he locked us out of the house and denied he had a problem. For the last year of his life I think he was drinking every day and after his death we found bottles of vodka in his home which he was obviously drinking neat. I'm having a lot of issues coming to terms with his death and i dont think I ever will. I am trying to understand this addiction that is more powerful than love and family, that drove my successful brother to self destruct. I also cannot understand his denial. How could he pretend that everything was ok when it was clearly not? I would love to hear your stories and if you can help me understand this disease I would be very grateful. Thank you

by CurlyC

20 posts

Recognising alcoholism by

I’m so fearful my partner will drink until he has pickled his liver and kidneys. He drinks a 10 pack of beer every day. The other day he also had a litre bottle of sherry. 2 weeks before that he drank an almost full bottle of Cointreau liqueur both as well as the beer. On the weekend, almost guaranteed within 15 mins of waking up he asks if we have any beer. He’s out of work at the moment so it’s me that is covering the cost. I know I must be stronger to protect my own finances as it’s so expensive. The other night at midnight he asked if I could go to the shop for more beer. I went mad and said it’s not unreasonable for me to say no and what sort of man sends their loving partner into the night to do that. His father was an alcoholic I understand and died at 39 when my partner was 9. So worried for him now and for myself. I know I can’t help him and he has to want to help himself. Reading your helpful posts where help has sadly not worked makes me want to try harder. But I’m also at the point where I cannot face living my life this way forever with this man. He’s also into coke and weed. I’m worried I’ll get home one day and find him in a bad way. Has anyone else been here?

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