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Adfam forum guidelines

We know that if you are affected by someone else’s drug or alcohol use you might feel alone, or as if nobody understands what you are going through. This forum gives you the opportunity to share your feelings regarding your loved one’s substance use, to share experiences and support other people going through similar situations. This is a safe, nonjudgmental environment. There is no right or wrong way to deal with somebody else’s substance use. Everyone’s experience is different, and everyone’s experience is valid.

The views, information, or opinions expressed by those posting on the forum are solely those of the individual users and do not necessarily represent those of Adfam. Adfam takes no responsibility for the quality of responses and comments made on the forum. 

Never share personal contact information

It is very important that no personal information is disclosed on this forum. The forum is a safe place, and sharing personal information, especially contact details, could potentially make the forum a target for people seeking to take advantage of its members. Even if you feel safe around someone, and think you could benefit from one to one conversations, please do not post contact details or ask somebody for theirs. This doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t share personal stories - the anonymity of the group should allow you to be as open as you are comfortable with without the need to initiate private communication.

Any posts containing contact information or other identifying information will be removed, and repeat posts may lead to your account being blocked.

Posts should relate to the experience of those affected by someone else’s substance use

Please remember that this forum is here to support people affected by somebody else’s substance use. Posts should related to experiences of someone else’s substance use.

Posts solely relating to personal experience of addiction will be removed. If you are looking for support regarding your own substance use, please call any of the following helplines:

Alcohol:

  • Drinkline: 0300 123 1110
  • Alcoholics Anonymous: 0800 9177 650

Drugs:

  • Frank: 0300 1236 600
  • Narcotics Anonymous: 0300 999 1212

Be respectful, supportive and non-judgmental

As everyone using this forum is aware, substance use and family relationships are very sensitive issues. It is important that forum users carefully consider their tone when posting. Always talk from your own experience, and never suggest that somebody else’s attitude or experience is wrong. Please do offer supportive advice, but do not insist that there is one way of doing something.

Posts will be removed if they contain

  • Personal attacks
  • Discriminatory comments
  • Misinformation
  • Links to illegal websites
  • Spam or links to websites promoting/selling anything

Please also be mindful of the original topic of each thread. Try to make sure that conversations are carried out on the relevant thread. This will help people to navigate the forum and find appropriate support, and it will also prevent certain issues from drowning out others.

Thank you very much for joining our forum. These guidelines are for the benefit of our community, and so any posts that do not adhere to all of these guidelines will be removed, and accounts may be blocked.

Share Your Story

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Worried that I'm losing my partner by

My partner and I have been together for 2 and a half years now. In that time, he has never stopped being loving, kind, passionate, intelligent, and all around sweet. He's also, in that time, taken drugs on a purely social basis - mostly ketamine, sometimes coke. When I say social, it really was the occasional dedicated night, other people around, etc. I wasn't a fan of the coke, but I could happily love with the rest on the occasional basis. Before I met him, he had been addicted to crystal meth, but was clean for a few months. This year has been a different story, though. He wasn't in the next place in January, and I thought it was post holiday blues, less daylight and so on. February, though... We're in an open relationship (has worked for us so far) and one night he went out and when he eventually got home, he had been sexually assaulted. Coerced into taking meth, and then into sex on tape while not in a place to give meaningful consent. I know how it sounds, but with the exception of one relapse since then (and the relapse was buying more than taking, I helped him get rid of it), it hasn't been a factor since. But everything else has gone up instead. Ketamine, sleeping pills, and cocaine - that's basically where all his money goes, and more. He's racked up debt, and when that's not enough he asks me. I've always said "yeah, you can pay me back", but it's become clear that he won't pay me back. He remembers, but he's got so much else to pay back, and the first thing he thinks about at pay day is more ket, more diazepam. In the past two months I've watched him descend from these drugs as occasional and social to on his own, and increasingly frequent. I've watched helplessly as he turned the house upside down looking for either another hit or some cash to buy one. When I'd had no money left myself, he spent the night asking me again and again if I wasn't sure I had more. He'd bring up instances where I'd fallen short in being his partner, then ask again if I really hadn't anything more to 'loan' him. There are some positives. It's still early on in the process, and I haven't lost him yet. He's still fine most of the time. He had signed up for counseling, so he recognizes there's a problem. Albeit that was more to do with meth and alcohol, and to a lesser extent cocaine, and he doesn't seem to realize the impact of the ket use and the sleeping pills. But I'm watching this descent in real time, and I don't know how to help him stop it. I feel helpless. His family doesn't know and most of his friends aren't aware of how bad it is. I'm hoping that going through how much he spent on drugs last month, and now having missed two days at work this month, that he can realize how much of a problem it is, but I worry he'll find a way to rationalize it away. And I'll be back to feeling helpless, alone, and constantly on the verge of tears. How do I approach this before rock bottom shatters us both?

feel so helpless by

Hi I am a mother with two of my children on drugs , its breaks heart , my son as been a drug user for 25 years and thankfully he has been in recovery for 15 years but find everyday hard with depression and mental health but is sister who is 42 as started doing drugs and is so much worse than my son but I just dont know how to help her, she got three lovely kids two are still at school and other one as left home as she can no longer cope with her mum ,she ringing all hours for money i am at my wits end !

Not yet 16 but he knows it all by

My son who will be 16 next month has been smoking weed for nearly two years. He can out talk me on the subject telling me how it is legal in blah blah blah. I have tried to explain to him that it’s not good for a growing brain but again he has all the answers. We have called the police, tried talking to him calmly tried talking to him not so calmly but nothing gets through. I would like advice but everywhere I have gone is much the same until he is ready to talk there is nothing that can be done. My fear this is just a stepping stone to deeper and darker drugs. He goes to a “friends “ house to smoke and drink I understand this friends father smokes too, so not much point talking to the parents. He smokes at home to which I hate. He is in the middle of his GCSE’s now but when they are done ( I don’t want a show down which affect his exams) I want to address this again. He works weekends and holidays which is funding his habit, am I enabling him by driving him to work? I know the answer is yes but while he is at work I know he is safe and reduces the time he has to smoke and drink. We have got him to put money to a savings account so he doesn’t blow the whole lot which he has done. I want it all out of the house but then I fear that will just push him further towards drugs. Any advice or words of wisdom please?

Drugs, alcohol and mental health

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Meth Psychosis OR Schizophrenia??? by

My mom has never been diagnosed with schizophrenia but her mother had it and so does her sister and one of her brother's. About 5 months ago, my mother started smoking meth. She actually hasn't used in about 1-2 months but something is seriously wrong. She thinks my brother and his wife are flying drones around that are spitting out these bugs and they are getting inside of her and that they are trying to kill her. My brother has woke up 3 different times with my mom standing over him holding either knifes or scissors saying she was going to kill him before he kills her. She also thinks that he has cameras and hearing devices all over the house. One morning he woke up and she had busted out all of the windows in his truck with an ax. She is saying and doing the most craziest and scariest things I've ever seen. I, myself, was a meth user until I found out I was pregnant back in December. After I found out that she had been using, I smoked it with her twice, but she never acted the way that she is now that she is off of it. My brother and I think that the meth use is what triggered the onset of the schizophrenia, but obviously, we're not doctors. We are now considering having her committed to a mental hospital but don't know how to go about it. Any thoughts, comment's, suggestions or advice are more than needed and greatly appreciated.

1 post

Day 18 cold turkey from codeine and starting to feel like myself by

Just thought I’d put up a post for anyone who’d like to comment or discuss their opiate withdrawal/addiction. As the title says I’m currently on day 18 and starting to feel more like my normal self. I won’t lie it has been fairly difficult but just so people know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. The early physical withdrawals are the easiest part believe it or not as it’s nothing compared to the lack of motivation and energy you feel thru out so basically a mild depression. In the first week I thought I’d never get better I couldn’t do anything at all, I couldn’t tend to my 2 children, I couldn’t do any housework, I couldn’t do my job properly, I basically couldn’t get off the settee to do anything and I just thought this sad no motivation low mood was never gunna end but it does guys ! For the last few days I’ve been slowly getting better, I can tend to my kids I can do the housework altho it does tire me out and my thoughts are much happier now i can see myself slowly becoming my normal self again. Don’t get me wrong it is only day 18 and I’m still not sleeping 100% and I do still lack motivation but compared to 1 week ago I am so much better and so could you be. All the best guys and I hope this post helps just 1 person battle thru. I visit this forum daily so I will reply to anyone that wants to chat or swap stories or ask questions etc. :)

by Maggie37

841 posts

I need advice on how to help by

Hi, I'm going to try and keep this as short as I can but apologies if I fail. My husband is addicted to cocaine. We have been together for 20 years and took cocaine socially and pretty rarely in the early years. However, it has been a massive problem now for approx 5 years, although there has been times when he's managed to stay away from it for a few months at a time. He knows he has a problem he openly admits this to me. He also desperately wants to stop...but hasn't been able to do so. He wants me to help him but I don't know how really. We have our own business and have plans to buy our own house and upgrade our lives, once the business is in a position to provide this but we are getting nowhere financially and basically working 5 days a weeks with all the stresses of running a business, but we are no better off because of the cocaine. I've been wracking my brains on what I can do to help and thought about sitting together and putting a plan on paper for what our goals are and how soon we could realistically achieve this, if things were to change, so he can better visualise the life he could have and the one he really wants. My worry though is that this could be totally the wrong thing to do and possibly make him worse. I know this alone is not going to solve things and make him better, but if anyone could offer some advice as to whether this would be a positive step (or not) I would be so grateful. Thanks

Bereavement

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227 posts

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In pain,angry.want to act by

When i was 10 i lost my father to a methadone overdose after he attempted to get clean from a oxycontin prescription for work related injuries.he was a roofer alongside my uncle for over 20 years.three years later my uncle overdosed on oxycontin himself.by highschool lortabs and codeine were common among my friends.that turned to roxycontin.by college it seemed everybody i knew took them.that became replaced by heroin as pill prices soared and then fentanyl replacdd that.now countless friends of mine are dead. They say their are stages of mourning.anger seems to be the one i am stuck on.i want to act on it.is there anyone out there whos lost a loved one to heroin or fentanyl or counterfeit prescription pills who feels the same? Anyone who wants to aid in the prosecution of cartel members and street gangs all the way down to the street level dealer? Please respond.

1 post

Lost husband to alcohol by

Hi all So glad I found this forum and hope my ramblings today will make sense to someone out there. I recently lost my husband to alcohol, and although he had other medical issues it was ultimately his drinking that killed him. Since his passing I have gone through many emotions, anger being the predominant one. Angry at him for giving in to it, angry at me for failing him, angry at medical professionals for failing him. Trust me, if I had a milkman I would probably find something to pin on him too. I dealt with his drinking for many years and have tried everything I could to get him to stop and/or seek help. He was getting help to be honest but in the end he thought he could handle it and paid the price. Right now I am very confused and wonder if he ever really cared for me and his family, yes he lied to me for years - part of the illness right? I trained myself to not take his lies, drinking, behaviour, personally but can't help but feel used and mistreated. Aside from myself and our children, none of his family were aware he had an issue and were stunned to find out after his death. I thought I was doing the right thing in keeping his secret but now I am questioning every decision I ever made Sorry for the ramblings, I just need to get these thoughts out and would be interested to know how others cope in a similar situation.

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