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Adfam forum guidelines

We know that if you are affected by someone else’s drug or alcohol use you might feel alone, or as if nobody understands what you are going through. This forum gives you the opportunity to share your feelings regarding your loved one’s substance use, to share experiences and support other people going through similar situations. This is a safe, nonjudgmental environment. There is no right or wrong way to deal with somebody else’s substance use. Everyone’s experience is different, and everyone’s experience is valid.

The views, information, or opinions expressed by those posting on the forum are solely those of the individual users and do not necessarily represent those of Adfam. Adfam takes no responsibility for the quality of responses and comments made on the forum. 

Never share personal contact information

It is very important that no personal information is disclosed on this forum. The forum is a safe place, and sharing personal information, especially contact details, could potentially make the forum a target for people seeking to take advantage of its members. Even if you feel safe around someone, and think you could benefit from one to one conversations, please do not post contact details or ask somebody for theirs. This doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t share personal stories - the anonymity of the group should allow you to be as open as you are comfortable with without the need to initiate private communication.

Any posts containing contact information or other identifying information will be removed, and repeat posts may lead to your account being blocked.

Posts should relate to the experience of those affected by someone else’s substance use

Please remember that this forum is here to support people affected by somebody else’s substance use. Posts should related to experiences of someone else’s substance use.

Posts solely relating to personal experience of addiction will be removed. If you are looking for support regarding your own substance use, please call any of the following helplines:

Alcohol:

  • Drinkline: 0300 123 1110
  • Alcoholics Anonymous: 0800 9177 650

Drugs:

  • Frank: 0300 1236 600
  • Narcotics Anonymous: 0300 999 1212

Be respectful, supportive and non-judgmental

As everyone using this forum is aware, substance use and family relationships are very sensitive issues. It is important that forum users carefully consider their tone when posting. Always talk from your own experience, and never suggest that somebody else’s attitude or experience is wrong. Please do offer supportive advice, but do not insist that there is one way of doing something.

Posts will be removed if they contain

  • Personal attacks
  • Discriminatory comments
  • Misinformation
  • Links to illegal websites
  • Spam or links to websites promoting/selling anything

Please also be mindful of the original topic of each thread. Try to make sure that conversations are carried out on the relevant thread. This will help people to navigate the forum and find appropriate support, and it will also prevent certain issues from drowning out others.

Thank you very much for joining our forum. These guidelines are for the benefit of our community, and so any posts that do not adhere to all of these guidelines will be removed, and accounts may be blocked.

Share Your Story

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Theresa by

I don’t know what to do my son is in his mid 30’s and has lost his home his car and only goes to work to get money for cocaine. We bought him a small business and a car and told him to pay back what he can weekly. He’s not paid a penny back. We told him he could stay with us as long as he kept his space clean and didn’t smoke the really strong dope as it makes both my husband and I feel physically sick. He kept smoking it and my husband told him to find somewhere else to stay. That was a year ago and he’s came back saying he’s nowhere to go during lockdown. I am shielding and now he’s in our caravan in the garden not going to work borrowing money and saying he’s ill and can’t go to work. My husband has gave up and doesn’t speak to him and is angry at me for letting him stay in the caravan but I’m his mother and don’t know what else to do.

by Lindyloo

1143 posts

My husband has walked away from our marriage and I think he’s struggling addiction by

Hi. Drink and drugs have been normalised in our lives but they needed to stop. I didn’t realise the effect it was having on my husbands mental health, and he has walked away from our marriage leaving us both heartbroken. I comment him leaving a situation that wasn’t healthy for him, but realising that was the cause has made me stop turning to socialising in those circles knowing what it has destroyed. The thing that’s confusing me the most is that he is externalising everything. It’s all my fault and he is drastically changing big ticket items in the hope it will bring him happiness. Rather than us working together to bring change. Happiness come from within rather than moving away from an area, changing jobs, and trying to do it yourself. No matter how strong you are we all need support from professionals, and understanding why we turn to these things for support. I feel such a huge devastating sense of loss and I want my husband to find happiness. I’m told I have to leave him to hit rock bottom, lose everything before he makes the decision himself to start to look within. But it’s so hard to not want to step in and help. Has anyone else been through anything like this. I feel so alone.

1 post

My husband and cocaine by

Hi, my husband is a cocaine addict, I’ve been married for 10 years been together for 16 years. My husband is my best friend, a very loyal, honest and loving man before addiction took hold. My husband was practically teetotal before trying cocaine once when he was 30, given to him by a good friend on a day to watch the football. He soon became hooked but this was kept a secret from me for 4 years. He would use when me and my children were asleep in bed. All unknown to us. His behaviour changed massively over this time, paranoia, moodiness and generally being off with us and everyone else, these were the signs, but I failed to see the cause. I often thought he was having a midlife crisis or experiencing some kind of depression. Then the night I found out it was cocaine, was the night I was pregnant with our 5th child, he went out to buy dinner and came home intoxicated. He lied and denied everything. We had an explosive argument and shamefully I threw a cup at him. He was enraged and left! He went to stay with a friend who doesn’t use drugs. During his period away, his behaviour become worse, he hated me, he blamed me for everything, he lost his job “that was apparently my fault” as he failed a drug test. He started trying to move on, messaging other women on Facebook, telling them we had been separated ages ago and how I was abusive and how he didn’t love me. (This man adored me, everyone said the same, he’d ring me roughly 4 times everyday just to talk to me and see how me and the children were, during the whole of our relationship). He stole two cars belonging to relatives and drove intoxicated to pick up drugs. He was arrested for the one and charged. He bought cocaine on the way to the cinema when he was with our children and used throughout the film, making regular trips to the bathroom. I could go on and on! despite most of these occurrences, he still didn’t think he was an addict, he thought it was probably a bit of an issue, but he definitely was not an addict! I could see the horror on his face when it was ever suggested. To him, heroin or crack users were addicts, not him. This caused me great upset, as if he wasn’t an addict, that meant these were all choices. He went to live with his mum even further away and being so far away from us made him realise what he was missing. He got a job and trained hard at the gym, but never attended meetings. He came back and was clean for 6 months just in time for our baby to be born. He was fab with her and went back to being the fab dad to our other children that he was pre drugs. I was so happy that I felt I had the old him back. Two weeks before Christmas he relapsed, he was given some on community services, as apparently that’s a thing, it’s a jolly boys outing for drugs. I was devastated, he didn’t come home and confess, the lies started straight away and this time he couldn’t convince me, I knew he was using. He spent the next few weeks using and sleeping rough in our garage, as I wouldn’t let him in our house because I don’t want drugs around my children, especially now I’ve got the baby. The bit that hurt me the most was during one of these reckless nights, he didn’t come home for me to go on my work party, I found him slumped in the pub, alone with the barmaid. He'd apparently told her she was an attractive girl! Not in a pervy way, she said it was said in a conversation, but he was also missing his wedding ring. When I asked him why, he denied everything, he said his ring was off before he went out and swore on our children’s lives. He’s not the sort of person to cheat, at all! so again it confused me. He then confessed to saying it in hope she’d flirt back, to make him feel good about himself, as I’m always threatening him with divorce and he feels like a scum bag, at the best of times. I’ve said horrible things to him in the past, that has made him feel insecure. The once in temper I told him he wasn’t attractive to me. This was said in anger because he was behaving appallingly, but it seemed to stay in his head. He still swore he would never cheat though and that he loves me more than anything. I think he’s doing this because he knows with me now, he can no longer hide his addiction, I will eventually leave him and he’s putting feelers out for moving on. However, he says you don’t think like that when you’re on drugs, there’s no logic behind it, or thinking of moving on. You just act out on what you’re thinking at the time, every time you feel differently. It’s all still so confusing for me. I just wish he’d go back to the man he was before. It’s so horrible to see someone you love, go on self destruct and there’s nothing you can do for them.

Drugs, alcohol and mental health

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In despair by

I have posted before but I’m struggling to navigate this forum I find myself trapped by my alcoholic sons behavior This has been going on for ever But has reach a new level He’s is neglecting himself not washing not eating Ended up in hospital again but for the first time I didn’t come I live 150 miles away and wouldn’t have been able to visit if I did come Plus I am totally exhausted with it They kept him in for a week with all kinds of digestive problems And in spite of me emailing and ringing to say he should be kept in or put somewhere they discharged him And of course he just started drinking again After a few days his heart rate was 160 beats per minute So he call himself an ambulance but they checked him out and sent him home Eventually I had to come he was so out of it I had to dress him and wash him and get him to the gp for help He looked worse than someone living on the street We were an hour in the surgery Dr gave him some diazepam and anti sickness pills And made an urgent referral to the mental health team I sat up with him all night I’m sure most people on this forum know the drill Retching and diahorea not eating confused He started to eat about 4 days later In pain and now with the shakes 12 days later we are on a better level He had his first counseling session yesterday Not from the new referral but from somewhere he was referred to last June Why is it so hard to get help Has anyone asked how I am ? No I’m 69 and not in great health myself So I now have the prospect of taking him home for Christmas When he is fit to travel I’m trying to do my Christmas shopping Wrap and post presents to family I won’t be able to visit because I’m here I just want this nightmare to stop How can I leave him Joanie59

Day 18 cold turkey from codeine and starting to feel like myself by

Just thought I’d put up a post for anyone who’d like to comment or discuss their opiate withdrawal/addiction. As the title says I’m currently on day 18 and starting to feel more like my normal self. I won’t lie it has been fairly difficult but just so people know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. The early physical withdrawals are the easiest part believe it or not as it’s nothing compared to the lack of motivation and energy you feel thru out so basically a mild depression. In the first week I thought I’d never get better I couldn’t do anything at all, I couldn’t tend to my 2 children, I couldn’t do any housework, I couldn’t do my job properly, I basically couldn’t get off the settee to do anything and I just thought this sad no motivation low mood was never gunna end but it does guys ! For the last few days I’ve been slowly getting better, I can tend to my kids I can do the housework altho it does tire me out and my thoughts are much happier now i can see myself slowly becoming my normal self again. Don’t get me wrong it is only day 18 and I’m still not sleeping 100% and I do still lack motivation but compared to 1 week ago I am so much better and so could you be. All the best guys and I hope this post helps just 1 person battle thru. I visit this forum daily so I will reply to anyone that wants to chat or swap stories or ask questions etc. :)

by RachBN

351 posts

Boyfriend with cocaine addiction by

So it’s nearly 4am and for the second night I’m in bed and my boyfriend is downstairs awake. I know he’s done cocaine. He thinks I can’t tell but who would still be up now. It’s obvious he just can’t sleep because of it. He was up all night last night and slept all day. I feel like I’m single. I can’t seem to break myself out of his cycle. I have never taken drugs but I can completely understand his situation but the broken promises and the debt I’m now in because of this. I am now depressed. I had counselling as I thought it would help me to help him but I can’t afford that anymore. He tells me he will get help and writes these lists to say he’s helping himself but nothing happens and it just gets worse again.

Bereavement

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186 posts

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Lost my brother on Monday to alcohol and paracetamol by

My brother has been an alcoholic and a drug addict for 30 years. He had so many friends but he was always skint and always borrowing or taking because all his money went on Cider and jager He was brave and strong however and worked for over 25 years as a London cycle courier. A solitary job which his father never understood and led to a strained relationship fueled once again by booze and cocaine. Last year in November after a terrible year where he was unable to work he succumbed to 2 heart attacks. He survived but continued to drink. He was desperate to return to work but he was admitted to the hospital at the weekend after an overdose of alcohol and paracetamol. His kidneys failed and he died on Monday. He had friends, a family but he still couldn't stop drinking. RIP my brother

Anyone out there? by

I don't know if there are any active members on here. It's a shame, I'm struggling to find support anywhere, does anyone else find this? I am 31, my father has been an alcoholic all my life, my mother's drink problem began when I was around 9 years old and got gradually worse. My parents were separated when I was around 3 years old, I always lived with my mother and as I got older and the drinking became worse so I felt I had to stay with her until the age I am now due to being so fearful of her not being able to look after herself, falling over, or doing something stupid like setting the place on fire when trying to cook. and leaving the front door open (happened often). I recently nearly lost my dad because of the alcohol and he was in a coma for a few weeks, I visited every day and as he deteriorated quickly the hospital called me in the middle of the night to go and say my goodbyes to him because they didn't think he would last the night. Anyway,somehow, he miraculously recovered in the week after that and went home. I went to stay with him and cared for him (he lived down the road from me and my mother's home). My routine was..I would wake up, sort my father's breakfast out and make lunch ready for him, go to work, then after work, go to my mother's to cook dinner, then back to my dad's to do him and me a dinner again. My mother then suddenly became severely depressed about me leaving and refused to eat but would continue to drink. I went to see my mother after work one evening and she was in a lot of pain and unable to move. I called an ambulance and that was the last time I ever had her home. She passed away from acute pancreatitis and multiple organ failure due to the alcohol. I am struggling so so bad to come to terms with the loss and the absolute guilt. I'm now in mother's home again but it is empty without her (I am being kicked out soon enough anyway but still..). I'm just so heartbroken. She lived such a sad life. I still care for my father, but even for him, I thought perhaps after him nearly losing his life and knowing alcohol killed my mother he would stop but he continues to drink and smoke heavily. I've spent all my life dedicating time and care into my parents, I've never had a life of my own but even with the chance I would just be riddled with grief, hurt and guilt. I mean this is a very brief outline of the story, I could have gone on and on. Writing is kinda therapeutic in a way

Partner deteriorated quickly to alcoholism by

I lost my partner yesterday and we have a 19 year old son. He refused any medical intervention. He died at home which was his wish with suspected liver failure judging by his yellow appearance. I tried so hard to get his doctor involved but ultimately it had to be with his say so and again he refused! He had no pain relief and for the last 3 days was in a lot of pain but he made his peace with me and our son and managed through laboured breaths to give us some of life’s advice and apologised a lot until he could no longer speak. It was heartbreaking but I kept him comfortable and warm. On his last day he was bleeding from his throat and I was so scared for him, pleaded with him to let me call an ambulance. That night we both fell asleep in the living room as I didn’t want to leave him alone but only I woke up! It was 3 am and I sat with him for 3 hours because I just couldn’t accept he had gone and convinced myself I could see him breathing so I didn’t want to startle him by vigorously checking for his pulse. It wasn’t until I stroked his hand that I realised he had gone and must have done hours earlier. Now I seek comfort from knowing that he wasn’t alone in hospital, it wasn’t a crisis like I was expecting and he died peacefully in his sleep looking serene. He no longer suffers and is free from his demons. He was a lovely person but the alcoholism made him very combative at times which I took personally, although I never argued back, but I forgive that now because I realise it was part of his deteriorating liver and the toxins affecting his brain. I’m feeling all sorts of things right now...guilt, anger, sadness, bereft, numb, exhausted but I can’t sit still, every time I start to cry it immediately stops leaving me with a headache. I look at my son who is coping brilliantly and feel guilty that I still have my Dad. I’m sad that the alcohol won and took him from us so young. It really was like a beautiful tree that was watered daily by weed killer making it slowly wilt and die. It impaired his decisions and left him with a variety of mental health conditions. It was all unbearable for my son and I to have experienced for the last 3 years and we feel a kind of relief now, which also makes us feel guilty. I’m hoping these yo-yos of emotions will soon settle. I’ve learned that people who are victim to an addiction will have a root cause that needs addressing before they can give it up. Having a loving family around him wasn’t enough and we tried everything to help!! I felt in the dark and not prepared for what would happen at the end as there’s not enough advice online and his doctor told me to expect something catastrophic to happen very soon. I feel by writing this and sharing this awful, exhausting experience it may help someone who might be in that same position right now. It was a peaceful ending for him and not a horrific experience as he was asleep, I had feared he would choke to death or his heart would pack up so I’m blessed he went that way. But still, it’s such a waste of life. Alcoholics are much more than that person who drinks a bit too much, they are suffering with something and seek to numb their pain! Once the wound heals my son and I will thrive but for now we are missing him! Be kind to yourselves and your loved ones suffering addiction and I hope they don’t succumb to their addictions like my partner did. Please make them know that it is an illness that can be treated and that you love them. Sorry this was a long item to read but it is the tip of the iceberg!

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