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Adfam forum guidelines

We know that if you are affected by someone else’s drug or alcohol use you might feel alone, or as if nobody understands what you are going through. This forum gives you the opportunity to share your feelings regarding your loved one’s substance use, to share experiences and support other people going through similar situations. This is a safe, nonjudgmental environment. There is no right or wrong way to deal with somebody else’s substance use. Everyone’s experience is different, and everyone’s experience is valid.

The views, information, or opinions expressed by those posting on the forum are solely those of the individual users and do not necessarily represent those of Adfam. Adfam takes no responsibility for the quality of responses and comments made on the forum. 

Never share personal contact information

It is very important that no personal information is disclosed on this forum. The forum is a safe place, and sharing personal information, especially contact details, could potentially make the forum a target for people seeking to take advantage of its members. Even if you feel safe around someone, and think you could benefit from one to one conversations, please do not post contact details or ask somebody for theirs. This doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t share personal stories - the anonymity of the group should allow you to be as open as you are comfortable with without the need to initiate private communication.

Any posts containing contact information or other identifying information will be removed, and repeat posts may lead to your account being blocked.

Posts should relate to the experience of those affected by someone else’s substance use

Please remember that this forum is here to support people affected by somebody else’s substance use. Posts should related to experiences of someone else’s substance use.

Posts solely relating to personal experience of addiction will be removed. If you are looking for support regarding your own substance use, please call any of the following helplines:

Alcohol:

  • Drinkline: 0300 123 1110
  • Alcoholics Anonymous: 0800 9177 650

Drugs:

  • Frank: 0300 1236 600
  • Narcotics Anonymous: 0300 999 1212

Be respectful, supportive and non-judgmental

As everyone using this forum is aware, substance use and family relationships are very sensitive issues. It is important that forum users carefully consider their tone when posting. Always talk from your own experience, and never suggest that somebody else’s attitude or experience is wrong. Please do offer supportive advice, but do not insist that there is one way of doing something.

Posts will be removed if they contain

  • Personal attacks
  • Discriminatory comments
  • Misinformation
  • Links to illegal websites
  • Spam or links to websites promoting/selling anything

Please also be mindful of the original topic of each thread. Try to make sure that conversations are carried out on the relevant thread. This will help people to navigate the forum and find appropriate support, and it will also prevent certain issues from drowning out others.

Thank you very much for joining our forum. These guidelines are for the benefit of our community, and so any posts that do not adhere to all of these guidelines will be removed, and accounts may be blocked.

Share Your Story

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I’m at my wits end by

Hi all I’m just looking for some advice I think I’m going mad I have never felt as low as I am now It all started when I went to a theme park for a overnight stay for Halloween with my best friend a belated birthday present He knew I was going and was beginning to get twitchy When I was there I txt him and attempted to call him and said good night The next day I woke up to verbal abusive txt msgs asking me where I was who I was with and like he is stupid that I was going to bed That he actually didn’t care any more and I’m basically a liar This obviously upset and I told him this He then blamed it on being drunk ( he had been to rehab last year) He then went on a drug and drink fuelled binge and said basically it was my fault as I had made him unhappy by telling him he ruined my day Basically switching it all around when he had initially caused all of this with his txt msgs I’m still not happy with him four weeks on This is not the first time this has happened and I’m sure it won’t be the last where he ruins my time with my friends and family I actually can’t take any more. I’ve spoken to him and tried to explain that this isn’t the first time and he has worn me down he doesn’t get it Apparently it just happened because he got drunk I again at the weekend tried to talk to him he started punching the walls and screaming at me That I’m making him sad What about me Why has he continually done this He doesn’t get that it’s not the first time this has been happening for four years I’m now like a shadow, fatigued and feeling alone Am I the crazy one ? I don’t feel like I can talk to my family and friends as he has upset me to many times If anyone has any advice that would be great He just doesn’t get what he has done

New Here by

Hi, I never thought I’d ever been in such a heartbreaking situation. I’ve finally plucked up the courage today to move home after 7 years. He was my only one, my future, everything and then 4 years ago he turned to cocaine. 4 years later, cocaine has took everything away and some days I just dread waking up. Over the past 4 years it’s just been hell, lies, broken promises, blame, making me think I’m the one who needs help, that I’m crazy and seeing things, accusing me of having an affair all the time. Im now In a tricky situation because I stupidly brought a house with him - yes once again thinking he would change. And now I’ve had to walk out, leave my dogs who are my world and with my name on all the bills and mortgage. You can’t talk to him, he’s up all night, sleep all day. Doesn’t bother turning up for work sometimes. I wake up to abusive messages saying I’m having an affair. He sees things, he hears things, he’s in thousands pounds of debt, He looks so ill. But I can’t do this anymore. A helpline today suggest I looked on this website. I thought I was alone but I’m not. I just don’t know what to do. All my friends are getting married, having kids and my life’s falling apart. I love him so much and he was the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and I think that’s why it’s so hard. But we will never get back what we had. And you can’t help someone unless they want the help! I’ve just watched cocaine ruin his life, ruin both our heads, ruin everything. I now don’t know what to do about the house, about the dogs, about getting him to agree about the house. I’m on furlough and that’s not helping. I think I’ve just completely broken down today. Sorry for the rant, I just needed this.

My love my life by

I understand that there are evils in the world, but I hate addiction. I hate it because when a person wants to stop it is so different for them that the percentage of those who beat it is low. I am in love with a man who really wants to stop and has tried everything. You name it he has done it and more than once, only to return to that life. He is a cocain addict and alcoholic. The treatment out there now seems to work for opioid users and alcoholics, but not for cocain and crack addicts. A little history of me... my Dad was an alcoholic and my cousin who was more like a brother both died from health issues related to their addiction. Because of growing up in a house like this I don’t drink nor do I date people who drink. When I met my now husband 10 years ago he did not drink. Wellll I didn’t know that he was a recovering alcoholic and that is why he didn’t drink. Two years in I started noticing things, but not enough to know. I finally found out when he was arrested for a DUI. Over the years it has gotten progressively worse. Now he can go as far as 2 weeks, usually about a week and a half. I can financially take care of our household, but he makes more than I do. We could live the way we want with our incomes, but his drugs and his expenses gets most of all his money. On his good days he gives me all his money that I can use as I chose. When he is not doing drugs, he is perfect for me and we are very close. My kids, grandkids, and mother loves him just as much as I do. He loves them too as if they were his blood. I have done everything I could to not be an enabler, but I will never leave him. There are conditions that he knows if he does then he will not live with us. I have a child with a disability that lives with us. He has never crossed that line. I am at the point now that I cope with prayers and not letting it control my life. I have things I do when I get really down. It gets me through the days. He is a seasonal worker, so when they are laid off for the winter he is going to try once again a long term in house treatment. He knows all that stuff so well that he should be a counselor himself, really. Every time he goes everyone things he will definitely beat it and gives others even the workers advice, but when he leaves out of there matter how support he gets he goes right back to that world. You know what I have only seen him drunk twice and that is only because some places will only take him if he is drunk. He never does anything at home. He does it and is gone for 2 to 3 days. When he comes home he is sober but depressed and sleeps all day. He is a Christian, loves God, and reads his Bible faithfully, but still cannot get deliverance. I just feel like I am waiting for my dream man to return home. I just pray it happens before he dies.

1 post

Drugs, alcohol and mental health

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Husband using meth and I just found out by

I've been married 21 years. My husband was recently in the hospital. The doctors could not figure out what was wrong with him. No covid, just a touch of colitis. But his kidney's were failing and other issues. I was terrified that he was going to die. He was released on Wednesday as stable enough to go home. On Friday he said he was going fishing. That he felt good enough, strong enough, to paddle his kayak. On his way home he wrecked and totaled his car. Saturday morning I found his meth stash where he had dropped it on the floor and his pipe in a pair of wet "fishing" pants. I am truly undone by this. I had no idea. I feel so betrayed, lied to, made a fool of, etc. etc. I don't know if I can cope with this situation. I feel like I have been living a lie the past 21 years.

by Kirk87

2 posts

Does he even care by

My boyfriend is a lifelong crack addict. We’re talking daily use, to varying degrees, only been clean (or had a clear mind as he puts it) maybe a couple years out of 32ish years. He’d convinced me that his age (he’s near 50 now) means he needs and wants to retire from it as he puts it. I try everything to encourage him to make better choices, sometimes he does, but every day with minimal exceptions, he uses again. We are now in a unique situation. He told me at the weekend he’s going to give up for 27days, or he’s a “prick”. I don’t dare ask anymore, but judging by his raging moods, he’s done it. Since then we’ve bickered, he’s tried, and succeeded, to make me jealous, he’s told me he’s questioned our relationship, also at one point he said he didn’t consider us a couple that we’re not together anymore. I’ve told him how much I love him, but all he responded with this time was he likes being with me. He also said that he tried to not call me, but had to. I did pull him up on the jealousy thing, but I think to some degree, sometimes he doesn’t listen or acknowledge me because he can’t accept how bad his behaviour is and would rather block it out. Part of me thinks now he’s gone cold turkey, which I don’t think was a good idea for so many reasons, that he’s now incapable of any positive human emotion. Does anyone believe an addict can experience positive feelings of love and appreciation of their partner if they’re a few days/weeks off the crack? For the first time in our relationship, I don’t know if I’m coming or going. I moved in with my elderly mum before covid, and she only worries if I spend too much time with him, so I visit him at weekends. This week he told me he hates me during the week, he doesn’t feel like he’s in a relationship. For the most part, he’s stopped reading my texts, stopped talking to me on the phone, stopped asking me how I am. Partly I think he’s so disgusted by his behaviour, for how much he relies on me, that sometimes talking to me only forces him to be aware of his failings and shortcomings. It’s almost as though he can’t face me, except when he needs food, or is having a cash flow problem. Does he actually care, or is he just using me? I’m fortunate enough to be in a lucky financial position. I worry now that even if he doesn’t love me anymore, he’s only doing the bare minimum to keep me happy. Part of me is starting to loathe my feelings for him, I’m not one to give up, I’ve been tempted to walk away, but in some ways I know that ends I do, I’m strong enough to ensure I never go back. Insights and opinions welcomed please x

my journey with a crack addict by

Hi Guys, I found out a few months ago my boyfriend is taking crack (and to me, is an addict in denial). He has pawned stuff to get it... uses weekly... I've been on a STEEP learning curve and think I've done well to be where I am (all things considered). I don't write this for advice, but if anyone sees themselves in what I write, it may help them. I will make it as short as possible and simply give ... my journey. * Found out partner was on crack cocaine. In shock for a few weeks. * I trawled streets, tracked him down to drug flats, roamed the streets late at night, put myself in danger numerous times, confronted drug people.. * I tried anger, threats, demands, emotional blackmail... tears.. guilt... shame... nothing made him stop. * I stopped being angry. I stopped taking it personally. I started detatching myself from it. * I've had constant ups and downs - days I would contact him and beat myself up for being weak. Then I'd be strong for a week or so, and let him do what he wants to do. Then I'd worry he was dead or OD'd somewhere and contact him. It's a cycle. If I didn't contact him, he would contact me. My last low point my birthday. I'd spent £100's on this man. He couldn't even get me a present. When I think of the thousands he's spent on that crap. Eventually when he had a period of sobriety, he gave me a present and card... them lapsed a few days later. * I've confronted one guy who won't leave him alone. It causes a massive argument and I left. When my boyfriend used the evening, he blamed me and called me a 'F***ing C***.' So I am now on the end of his anger and abuse. I walked out (luckily we don't live together). I haven't contacted him since. I don't really know what stage I am at now. I don't even know if I can say we are together. I am a realistic. I expect the worse and he has never let me down so far - with his using and pathetic excuses and apologies. But I feel strong.. stronger every time.. until I hope to get the point where I walk away for good. I see nothing but misery and futility with an addict.. and wonder what others' experiences are. Thanks for reading x

Bereavement

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Lost husband to alcohol by

Hi all So glad I found this forum and hope my ramblings today will make sense to someone out there. I recently lost my husband to alcohol, and although he had other medical issues it was ultimately his drinking that killed him. Since his passing I have gone through many emotions, anger being the predominant one. Angry at him for giving in to it, angry at me for failing him, angry at medical professionals for failing him. Trust me, if I had a milkman I would probably find something to pin on him too. I dealt with his drinking for many years and have tried everything I could to get him to stop and/or seek help. He was getting help to be honest but in the end he thought he could handle it and paid the price. Right now I am very confused and wonder if he ever really cared for me and his family, yes he lied to me for years - part of the illness right? I trained myself to not take his lies, drinking, behaviour, personally but can't help but feel used and mistreated. Aside from myself and our children, none of his family were aware he had an issue and were stunned to find out after his death. I thought I was doing the right thing in keeping his secret but now I am questioning every decision I ever made Sorry for the ramblings, I just need to get these thoughts out and would be interested to know how others cope in a similar situation.

Recognising alcoholism by

I’m so fearful my partner will drink until he has pickled his liver and kidneys. He drinks a 10 pack of beer every day. The other day he also had a litre bottle of sherry. 2 weeks before that he drank an almost full bottle of Cointreau liqueur both as well as the beer. On the weekend, almost guaranteed within 15 mins of waking up he asks if we have any beer. He’s out of work at the moment so it’s me that is covering the cost. I know I must be stronger to protect my own finances as it’s so expensive. The other night at midnight he asked if I could go to the shop for more beer. I went mad and said it’s not unreasonable for me to say no and what sort of man sends their loving partner into the night to do that. His father was an alcoholic I understand and died at 39 when my partner was 9. So worried for him now and for myself. I know I can’t help him and he has to want to help himself. Reading your helpful posts where help has sadly not worked makes me want to try harder. But I’m also at the point where I cannot face living my life this way forever with this man. He’s also into coke and weed. I’m worried I’ll get home one day and find him in a bad way. Has anyone else been here?

by

9 posts

I just lost my brother by

Hi all. My brother died earlier this year from alcoholism. He was only in his mid forties and we are all heartbroken. We tried to help him but he locked us out of the house and denied he had a problem. For the last year of his life I think he was drinking every day and after his death we found bottles of vodka in his home which he was obviously drinking neat. I'm having a lot of issues coming to terms with his death and i dont think I ever will. I am trying to understand this addiction that is more powerful than love and family, that drove my successful brother to self destruct. I also cannot understand his denial. How could he pretend that everything was ok when it was clearly not? I would love to hear your stories and if you can help me understand this disease I would be very grateful. Thank you