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Adfam forum guidelines

We know that if you are affected by someone else’s drug or alcohol use you might feel alone, or as if nobody understands what you are going through. This forum gives you the opportunity to share your feelings regarding your loved one’s substance use, to share experiences and support other people going through similar situations. This is a safe, nonjudgmental environment. There is no right or wrong way to deal with somebody else’s substance use. Everyone’s experience is different, and everyone’s experience is valid.

The views, information, or opinions expressed by those posting on the forum are solely those of the individual users and do not necessarily represent those of Adfam. Adfam takes no responsibility for the quality of responses and comments made on the forum. 

Never share personal contact information

It is very important that no personal information is disclosed on this forum. The forum is a safe place, and sharing personal information, especially contact details, could potentially make the forum a target for people seeking to take advantage of its members. Even if you feel safe around someone, and think you could benefit from one to one conversations, please do not post contact details or ask somebody for theirs. This doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t share personal stories - the anonymity of the group should allow you to be as open as you are comfortable with without the need to initiate private communication.

Any posts containing contact information or other identifying information will be removed, and repeat posts may lead to your account being blocked.

Posts should relate to the experience of those affected by someone else’s substance use

Please remember that this forum is here to support people affected by somebody else’s substance use. Posts should related to experiences of someone else’s substance use.

Posts solely relating to personal experience of addiction will be removed. If you are looking for support regarding your own substance use, please call any of the following helplines:

Alcohol:

  • Drinkline: 0300 123 1110
  • Alcoholics Anonymous: 0800 9177 650

Drugs:

  • Frank: 0300 1236 600
  • Narcotics Anonymous: 0300 999 1212

Be respectful, supportive and non-judgmental

As everyone using this forum is aware, substance use and family relationships are very sensitive issues. It is important that forum users carefully consider their tone when posting. Always talk from your own experience, and never suggest that somebody else’s attitude or experience is wrong. Please do offer supportive advice, but do not insist that there is one way of doing something.

Posts will be removed if they contain

  • Personal attacks
  • Discriminatory comments
  • Misinformation
  • Links to illegal websites
  • Spam or links to websites promoting/selling anything

Please also be mindful of the original topic of each thread. Try to make sure that conversations are carried out on the relevant thread. This will help people to navigate the forum and find appropriate support, and it will also prevent certain issues from drowning out others.

Thank you very much for joining our forum. These guidelines are for the benefit of our community, and so any posts that do not adhere to all of these guidelines will be removed, and accounts may be blocked.

Share Your Story

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Theresa by

I don’t know what to do my son is in his mid 30’s and has lost his home his car and only goes to work to get money for cocaine. We bought him a small business and a car and told him to pay back what he can weekly. He’s not paid a penny back. We told him he could stay with us as long as he kept his space clean and didn’t smoke the really strong dope as it makes both my husband and I feel physically sick. He kept smoking it and my husband told him to find somewhere else to stay. That was a year ago and he’s came back saying he’s nowhere to go during lockdown. I am shielding and now he’s in our caravan in the garden not going to work borrowing money and saying he’s ill and can’t go to work. My husband has gave up and doesn’t speak to him and is angry at me for letting him stay in the caravan but I’m his mother and don’t know what else to do.

Has anyone’s beloved actually quit the cocaine? Or it is just not possible? by

Hello all. My husband has been taken cocaine for nearly 20 years, but it is always a weekend thing. But now he is 37, I think he is addicted to it. He took it at the week day and miss work. He doesn’t take it daily and sometime once a month but sometimes once a week. He always say he regrets it so much afterwards, but this terrible thing just controls him. Not sure if I should be glad that he is not daily uses, but I just can not see the hope as he keeps saying he will stop but never stops. It is scary when he is on it as the thing he said is just so hurtful and the disappearing and the lies. So I wonder has anyone’s beloved really managed to stop it, so perhaps we can have some hope or advise as in how to help them and be positive about life? Thank you all and take care! xx

Relapsed after 4 month by

So the last month has probably been the worst in my life. I relapsed about a month ago after 4 month clean. It started because I was in agony with pain in my shoulders and I started taking pain killers which were making me happy. Taking them more than I should. I've stopped now. But I think this led to me relapsing. I went out all night. Came home had a big argument with my gf and I was horrible and calling her every name under the sun. She packed my bags and kicked me out after 12 years. I'm now living in shared accom, untill I get a flat. My mum said I can go hers but I don't get on with my dad. It's all my fault. This stuff ruins life's and family's. It's turned me into something I am not. I've lost my sponsor now and I'm looking for a new one. But we are still good mates, and I am going to my 1st face to face meeting today as I need to beat this so much. I was just going to avoid coming on here, I let alot of people down, mainly myself. My kids seen me in the madness and I have to live with this all my life now. But this site helps me and I need to beat this addiction, disease. So I'm back and I'm not going to give up.

Drugs, alcohol and mental health

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Cocaine and line of work, how to move away by

I work in the nightclub industry, but as you people may know the corona stopped most of the industry for a couple of months last year. That was great to me as i got super clean, sober like never before in 5 years. I was super sober till december when I restarted operations but in the food industry working as a manager for a restaurant, and someone offered me coke again to chill out and my coke addiction returned but not as a bad as before, only 2-3 times a week ( i was doing it on nightly basis when working in the nightclubs). I can't leave the industry because that's what I've been doing my entire life, I'm 42 btw with one 22 daughter. I'm a single mom since she was born. I did work very hard to give her a good life. I know she did coke in the past but I know it was for fun. But this thing, coke, just keep coming back over and over again. I don't have anyone else to talk about it, my other 3 closest friend are hooked into coke or other drugs and it will be non sense to chat with them about it. I would like to heard some advice how I can do to move away from the industry I'm working at but without suffering that much (salary), I'm ready to take a cut if necessary but I will do it to stop my coke addiction or at least short it for longer time. I just feel there is too much in between. I have some savings as well.

1 post

Codependency and drug abuse by

Hello. I have been reading people's stories on here which has given me the courage to share mine. I am currently a crack cocaine addict in a codependent relationship. I didn't even know until 3 days ago what codependency was and its had a soul destroying affect as it's all I've thought about since. My partner (the enabler) is a wonderful caring woman who, in the first year before I abused coke, I absolutely worshiped the bones of. We met at low points in our lives following previously splitting from our ex partners, albeit in different circumstances. I split from my daughter's mother after 9 years as I resented her for 'nagging' about my weed habit. I should have sorted myself out but I was deflecting the blame which ultimately was the final nail in the coffin. My partner was a married to a mentally abusive man who ultimately left her and 2 young children 6 months after they got married due to an affair on his part. I know that this has played a massive part in her mentality. We met through a dating app so I was a bit sceptical but we had so much in common it was unbelievable. Taste in music...sense of humour... weed.... We'd comfort each other with affection and laugh together at the silliest things. I moved in to her home after literally a few weeks and my daughter was even staying every other weekend after about a year of me moving in. After a drink one night I asked if she fancied getting a gram of Charlie as I knew she had dabbled in the past. She agreed. This is when things went downhill even though at the time I didn't think that was the case.... We went to bed and had the most amazing sex I'd ever had until the milkman was out and about!! This became a weekly occurrence for the next 2 years as the sex was more intense due to the coke. It became that bad, that I started getting 'tick' of my dealer... £40 a pop. 2 bags a time. 2 or 3 times a week! All my wages gone before I even took them out of the bank on payday. I got into a heavy debt over the pandemic and on return to work, stole £2000 from my employer to pay it off... I was arrested and currently preparing for court appearances regarding this matter. My partner was heartbroken but vowed to help me and stand by me. A ray of sunshine appeared for me in the form of my dealer getting busted for county lines and going to prison. I could now get off the coke and sort myself out.. Im a big guy who weight trains often so that was something I tried i guess to keep hitting the gym more often. Being unemployed I started to 'borrow' money from my partner to buy coke from another dealer who only does cash up front deals and no form of 'tick'. My thought process was that we buy one bag a weekend and that was that.. one bag became 3 or 4 and before you know it, an eviction letter comes through the door for rent arrears which now stands at 3k! Despite this, even though my partner was gutted, she didn't even tell me off let alone kick me out to the street because that is all I deserve and I feel absolutely fucking disgusted in myself. today I am a broken man who has spent the last 3 days crying on the bedroom floor whilst my partner is out working.... The reason being is that I am now buying actual crack and I know that it's going to kill me eventually. Weed... Cocaine... CRACK!?? Not only that but after extensive internet research on my addiction problems, I learn about codependency and everything is clear now.... This poor woman is fighting her own battles in the form of being the 'enabler'. Her husband left her and used to call her horrible names... I walk into her life and in her eyes I'm the complete opposite of her ex.. I listen to her, comfort her and we have all that stuff in common. But I just now feel guilt and can't stop thinking about the situation I have put us into. I have always had an addictive personality but I'm worried that my life is now coming to a head.. What's worse is that I could not imagine my life without this woman. I don't know if that's because of the addiction but I am so broken right now. I'm scared and alone. I lost my mum at 13 years old and was made a ward of the courts. My dad was an abusive man who in my eyes was the reason for my mother's death. The years of physical and mental abuse he put her through made me even more determined not to be like him. I waited until my partner got home and explained everything. All she did was start to cry and closed in for a cuddle. I lost my temper and started blaming her for everything. I would never hit her but I thought I would never speak to her the way I did yesterday.. she's not stopped crying since, and I haven't either... But I think that the thing that has hit me the hardest is.. yep.... The kids involved. My 10 year old daughter who stays every other weekend was not even in my thought process. How does that fucking happen. I never knew what rock bottom was. I do now. This is my attempt to start making things right but I just needed to get this all off my chest first. Thanks for reading. J xx

My Son Cannabis addict by

My son is 20 years old and has been smoking Cannabis for a few years. He tried to hide it at first but the smell made it obvious he was using. It has become more and more of an issue, he smokes at least 3 to 4 times a week, alone, outside. He’s wasted in a morning and looks terrible. We banned him from smoking in the house or having anything to do with weed in the house, but he just sneaks it in or lies about it. It causes huge arguments between us, his moods are low, then high and any attempt to talk to him escalate into a blazing row and him being aggressive. A few weeks ago after a particularly bad row he agreed he would stop bringing it in the house. He never thinks he has an issue as ‘everyone smokes it now’. We are very concerned that he is smoking more often than ever, and worry he has a serious problem, especially as this morning he took Edibles, despite both myself and his dad working from home. So now he’s stoned in the daytime too. He lives a good life with us, he has his own floor in our house which we’ve threatened to move him from, but we‘re worried he will move out and live with other users. We’re so worried about his mental health and the risk of him moving to other drugs, does anyone have any advice please?

by Linda

35 posts

Bereavement

12 threads

140 posts

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Mum died 4 years ago and I’m still confused by

My mum died suddenly when I was 26. I lived away from home and I got a phone call one day to tell me the news. It was a complete shock, although not that surprising as I had seen her physical health declining in recent years. It’s the 4 year anniversary of her death today and last night it hit me pretty hard. What surprised me was that I still have very mixed feelings about her (feeling of failure that I couldn’t save her and also sadness and disappointment that she abandoned me). I don’t feel just sad and that I miss her like I would grieving anyone else. I often feel anger, resentment and pain attached to it. It’s very similar to the pain I felt as a child when she was drinking and hiding away for days on end (and I felt abandoned and that she cared more about the drink than me). I’ve been working through it in therapy for the last 6 months or so and I’m starting to recognise the triggers of these feelings in my day to day life but I still haven’t worked out how to move past them. I also didn’t expect the pain to still be there with the same intensity after 4 years. Does anyone know if it eventually lessens? Also, does anyone have any tips on how to process this stage of grief? I feel like I’m stuck trying to figure it all out still (why she drank) and I can’t move on and accept it and process my feelings. It feels like no one else in my life will ever understand this but I thought maybe those with similar experiences would be able to share some insight. Grateful for anything you can share and I hope you’re all doing well xxx

Partner deteriorated quickly to alcoholism by

I lost my partner yesterday and we have a 19 year old son. He refused any medical intervention. He died at home which was his wish with suspected liver failure judging by his yellow appearance. I tried so hard to get his doctor involved but ultimately it had to be with his say so and again he refused! He had no pain relief and for the last 3 days was in a lot of pain but he made his peace with me and our son and managed through laboured breaths to give us some of life’s advice and apologised a lot until he could no longer speak. It was heartbreaking but I kept him comfortable and warm. On his last day he was bleeding from his throat and I was so scared for him, pleaded with him to let me call an ambulance. That night we both fell asleep in the living room as I didn’t want to leave him alone but only I woke up! It was 3 am and I sat with him for 3 hours because I just couldn’t accept he had gone and convinced myself I could see him breathing so I didn’t want to startle him by vigorously checking for his pulse. It wasn’t until I stroked his hand that I realised he had gone and must have done hours earlier. Now I seek comfort from knowing that he wasn’t alone in hospital, it wasn’t a crisis like I was expecting and he died peacefully in his sleep looking serene. He no longer suffers and is free from his demons. He was a lovely person but the alcoholism made him very combative at times which I took personally, although I never argued back, but I forgive that now because I realise it was part of his deteriorating liver and the toxins affecting his brain. I’m feeling all sorts of things right now...guilt, anger, sadness, bereft, numb, exhausted but I can’t sit still, every time I start to cry it immediately stops leaving me with a headache. I look at my son who is coping brilliantly and feel guilty that I still have my Dad. I’m sad that the alcohol won and took him from us so young. It really was like a beautiful tree that was watered daily by weed killer making it slowly wilt and die. It impaired his decisions and left him with a variety of mental health conditions. It was all unbearable for my son and I to have experienced for the last 3 years and we feel a kind of relief now, which also makes us feel guilty. I’m hoping these yo-yos of emotions will soon settle. I’ve learned that people who are victim to an addiction will have a root cause that needs addressing before they can give it up. Having a loving family around him wasn’t enough and we tried everything to help!! I felt in the dark and not prepared for what would happen at the end as there’s not enough advice online and his doctor told me to expect something catastrophic to happen very soon. I feel by writing this and sharing this awful, exhausting experience it may help someone who might be in that same position right now. It was a peaceful ending for him and not a horrific experience as he was asleep, I had feared he would choke to death or his heart would pack up so I’m blessed he went that way. But still, it’s such a waste of life. Alcoholics are much more than that person who drinks a bit too much, they are suffering with something and seek to numb their pain! Once the wound heals my son and I will thrive but for now we are missing him! Be kind to yourselves and your loved ones suffering addiction and I hope they don’t succumb to their addictions like my partner did. Please make them know that it is an illness that can be treated and that you love them. Sorry this was a long item to read but it is the tip of the iceberg!

by J48

31 posts

I'm struggling by

Hi, I just lost my husband 2 months ago to alcoholism.....alcohol poisoning. We were divorcing and this is the result. I feel guilty, but i tried EVERYTHING I knew too. Myself and our daughters begged and pleaded for more than 10 years...nothing could reach him. He'd make promises....improve for a couple of weeks and then the lies and sneaking would start all over again. I had reached the point where it was ruining our lives and home...we had to have a stop to it. I watched the man I loved....(still love) slowly slipping away until he was completely gone. Its devastating! We are left with Mountains of debt, no life insurance, and two children. He was such a smart man.....it took his job, his family, then him. I've been with him since I was 15...together for 32 years....I dont know where to even begin without him.

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