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Talk about your experiences with others.

When it comes to a loved one's drug or alcohol use families can sometimes feel lost or struggle to express themselves.

Our forum gives you the opportunity to share and discuss your feelings in a safe environment. Feel free to share them but please note that anything that raises a safe-guarding or confidentiality concern may be removed and acted upon. Adfam takes no responsibility for the quality or content of the responses.

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Coke addiction by

cocaine is hard to stop doing is an understatement. The last couple of years I’ve been using nearly every other day. Just to feel normal. I make all types of promises to myself that I will stop. Never again, last time blah blah then bang straight back on it. The first 2 lines are always the best it feels like you are drowning then you breathe. After that it’s all downhill. A person who is an addict or using more than 2/3 times a week. Needing to do it to feel ok. Doing it alone. I know it’s killing me slowly my soul is tortured by this drug and something tells me I will die from it I can’t stop. It’s an illness and I know it !!! I can stay sober 2 or 3 days max before this headache starts. I get high the feel low, sleeping in bed for days. I don’t know what todo. I have read about everything on google I.e addiction, treatment etc. It all makes sense but I can’t execute any of it. To the partners that are married to people like me. Don’t give up on them please. We know what we are ! You don’t need to tell us or threaten us. Just keep on loving your partner. 1 of either 2 outcomes will happen either they will make it or not !!!

Opinions by

Hi everyone, I wanted to get some of your opinions on my situation so here is a quick overview: Me and my boyfriend are both 22 years old and have been together since we were 14. My boyfriend is an alcoholic and is addictive to drugs, predominately cocaine. In March last year he went to rehab for 28 days, and we were all relieved as were excited for this fresh start. He was doing great, I got to visit on weekends and I loved seeing the man I fell in love with slowly coming back. Things were great, but he relapsed after 7 and half months of being sober - this was a really hard time for us both and we agreed to do what we could to ensure it didn't happen again - although this is his decisions and I am there for support. He started attending meetings on a more regular basis and things were looking up. However, he relapsed again after a month of being sober at his Christmas party and this ended up being a bender and lasted on and off for two weeks. After 3 weeks of being sober, he has relapsed again. I really am at a loss, it's like getting water from a stone. I feel like I am the only one who actually cares, I know he cares and this is an illness and sadly we have no control over it but I feel alone. I do not feel that he has a good support network around him. His family are obviously aware of the situation, and they knew he relapsed the other night and allowed him to keep his alcohol and let him drink in the house - this to me is absurd and I really want to address this issue with them, but do not know the right approach and don't want to seem to opinionated and bossy. It's difficult because he's done the 12 step programme, he has a sponsor so he knows what to do if he is struggling, but he isn't reaching out to anyone or going to meetings. I really love my boyfriend, and its hard to see him go through this again and I refuse to live my life the way I was for the last 4 years as it was hell but it seems it's slowly going that way. I know I need to focus on me and I am, but he is the love of my life and I feel that there is more that can be done to help. What are you thoughts? I'd love to speak to people who are going through a similar thing - I have been to Al Anon and didn't feel brave enough to speak as I was the youngest there and didn't feel like I belonged. Thank you x

by Adamuk

11 posts

Struggling by

I posted on here earlier about my boyfriends relapsing but I am just really struggling. He does not want to talk about it and it’s almost like I’m the bad person. I feel out of everyone (even including his parents) I am only taking this seriously. This is my future too, and I am living in fear about what it holds where only 10 months ago I was living my best life. I’m absolutely gutted and I don’t know what more I can do, I can’t keep this being strong act up any longer.

Drugs, alcohol and mental health

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Does cocaine make you more likely to be unfaithful? by

I don’t know if this is a silly question, but me and my husbands relationship has turned toxic, through the damage that his addiction has done. The lying about using, me throwing him out etc. I’ve caught him (usually when coming down) masterbating to porn, he says it’s bevause you just want something to do with your hands coz your up all night, but you can’t usuallly finish because of the coke. (TMI sorry! But he never used to really be into porn before his addiction began, I’ve heard coke makes you horny so I’m just wondering could that be enough to make you cheat if you wasn’t that sort of person sober. He says you still know what you’re doing and that your married etc, but he’s told other women that they are attractive etc which again is out of character but he says it’s more of an attention thing as he feels like crap and thinks it’s only a matter of time before I leave him.

by B8988

9 posts

My husband needs help by

Firstly, i want to apologise for this being such a long post, i don't have much in the way of support and i am literally at the end of what i know i should deal with. I want to paint the picture wholly so you can understand perfectly. My husband (3 years - together for 10) is a cocaine and possible alcohol addict. We have 1 daughter together (7 years) and a son on the way (28 weeks pregnant) He is not a bad person, he has such a good heart, he is kind, caring, romantic etc until he uses, then he changes for 2-3 days at a time. I am not prepared to give up on him yet, and want to find the best way to support him. I am a carer to my disabled father, who lives with us, and i don't have a driver's license limiting my capabilities to do things like shop etc He started using about 4 years ago, during preparation for the wedding, he admitted he was “curious about it” and obviously started the downwards spiral from there. I told him of my thoughts of it and how i didn’t like such a vial drug and he vowed to stop. Which he did for a few months, but then one day started back up again. This was a constant cycle until last year when it become more increased usage. At first it was just once a month maybe even less, and was only recreational, he would return home and i would be non-the wiser. Until one night (2 years ago) we went out together (which we rarely do anymore) and he was kicked out of the club for being caught trying to use in the toilet. We argued because he ruined my night and he promised never again. He stayed clean for over 6 months. It was only when his grandad died that he really started hitting it hard. About a year ago, money started vanishing and started to put us in alot of trouble with bills/debt, but he kept denying where the money had gone, telling me he was still owed money from work (self employed scaffolder) or that he used it to buy X item which cost “more” than it actually did. Of course i believed him, i didnt want to think that he was using again. Until i caught him grinding his teeth one day and showing all the signs of being completely off his face. At christmas we basically had no money, which was very upsetting for me as it meant daughter would not get many if any presents, something i never thought i’d have to contend with. He then started giving me his wages, at least for about 3 weeks. By now it seemed he was using weekly, but only on a friday as his friday treat after work. Just before i found out i was pregnant he agreed to change his job as he felt the job was the influencing factor to his usage. He set about looking for a new job, but all the while his mental health took a nasty turn. He started crying for no reason (which is completely unlike him) having nasty nightmares about something happening to me or daughter which scared him and eventually he agreed to go to the doctors, who signed him off work for a month to allow really strong anti-depressants to get into his system. Our finances took another turn and we became flooded with debt. After returning to work his kind, loving caring nature started to disappear at the weekends again, he would just not return home, ignore or even block me on the phone and leave me wondering if he was even safe. At the end of feb, i found out i was pregnant again, and he was over the moon. His “normal” self returned he was attentive, wouldn’t even let me make myself a hot drink. Until st georges day when he went out and got absolutely smashed. He was supposed to be picking our daughter up from her after school curricular activity, but failed and meant that my dad had to go instead. We ended up in the worst argument of our relationship as i pointed out his utter lack of responsibility to our daughter, being pregnant too my hormones were everywhere, he lied down on the sofa and just told me to “F*** off” one thing led to another and he accidently hit me (waved his hand at me and it connected to my mouth) he was immediately remorseful, jumped up to comfort and help me. Unfortunately i had my 12 week scan the next day and the midwife saw my face and jumped into action. Since then things have been so chaotic with social services involvement and constantly being watched by midwives, and my husband is somewhat plagued with guilt. So plagued that he uses cocaine to cloud his disgust in himself. He seeked help and was doing well, 5 weeks clean (which was remarkable from where we were) things were returning to normal in the household and everything seemed like it was getting back on track. Then his sister (lives a distance away) was in the area and popped in. Her partner is a daily cocaine user and as you can imagine one thing led to another and husband ended up relapsing. Since then hes used every week again, and he says he wants to stop but hes so weak he cant say no. he goes to the pub to collect his weekly wages and i used to go with him, to help him avoid temptation, but now he just goes straight from work and lies and says hes stuck at work. He says that his issue is when he has a pint or two he gets the craving for coke and one thing leads to another, but now hes picking it up and bringing it home (without my knowledge) and when we put daughter to bed, he literally spends the rest of the night (9/10pm -3am) in the bathroom for long periods of time. Thats how i know hes using, but short from literally kicking down the door and causing it to wake people up… what can i do. He never leaves instruments lying around and always cleans up after himself. Its only because a few times ive noticed the little white powder drops, which ive spoken to him about and now he cleans the floor to either stop me noticing it, or to keep it clean because of daughter. He wont talk to me, he wont be honest with me and as of the last 3 weeks hes just not been returning home atall on the friday. He says “ill be 5-10 mins” on a friday and then i don't see him until saturday afternoon. He ignores me again, blocks me and the only message i'll get is i think it's best for you if i disappear. When hes sober he agrees he needs help, that he doesnt want to do it, he hates the after effects, the disappeared money to overall destructive-ness of the drug but then friday hits and we’re back to square one. I deem fridays as the “night from hell”. How can i help him? Im worried ive enabled him and i want to stop that, but he also has basically no support network other than me, im worried about his mental health and what would happen if i kicked him out. Theres times when i have told him not to come home in his state and when he sobers up he returns looking so ill. He doesnt sleep, eat and makes me worry even more about him. I have a support network that are helping me to look after me and my daughter to try and stop us taking on the problem, but when your a family unit that relies on him to bring home the bacon its very hard. Threatening him that he will lose us makes him run and hide - which in turns sends him on his coke path, but i cant just “accept” it because its not healthy for any of us. I love him very much and cannot imagine my life without him in it. I am not ready to give up on him. Our daughter is seemingly unaffected by the problems, shes always branded “a happy child” shes well looked after by me, and with my dads help she gets all attention a child could need. She also doesnt want daddy to leave, and he doesnt want to leave either. Thank you in advance for any guidance :)

Bereavement

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How to deal with addiction stereotype within the family by

My sister took drugs, mainly heroine, for over 20 years. Then six years ago she accidentally overdosed and passed away. Her children were taken into care and our family settled into a time of grieving; and also I must admit relief. During her time she did things to our family that caused no end of upset, but at the end of the day she was still my sister, so I had to deal with a pull of emotions - hating the addict but loving my sister. In time, and with help, I've come to understand the lack of control a drug addict has over their own behaviour and have forgiven what has passed. This has finally brought me peace and allowed me to move on with my life, without the constant anger and self-protection mechanisms that came to control my own personality. Unfortunately my wife still believes a drug addict is in full control of their destiny and all my sister's actions, including her ultimate death, were her own fault and deserving of no sympathy. She drags up all the bad things my sister did during her life and insists I stop feeling sorry for her. This is now causing old wounds to be reopened for me and is increasing tension within my own family. Does anyone have any advice I can offer my wife so she understands the pain her views are having on me?

I just lost my brother by

Hi all. My brother died earlier this year from alcoholism. He was only in his mid forties and we are all heartbroken. We tried to help him but he locked us out of the house and denied he had a problem. For the last year of his life I think he was drinking every day and after his death we found bottles of vodka in his home which he was obviously drinking neat. I'm having a lot of issues coming to terms with his death and i dont think I ever will. I am trying to understand this addiction that is more powerful than love and family, that drove my successful brother to self destruct. I also cannot understand his denial. How could he pretend that everything was ok when it was clearly not? I would love to hear your stories and if you can help me understand this disease I would be very grateful. Thank you