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Talk about your experiences with others.

When it comes to a loved one's drug or alcohol use families can sometimes feel lost or struggle to express themselves. Our forum gives you the opportunity to share and discuss your feelings in a safe environment.

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Please note this forum is specifically for families affected by someone else's substance use, and posts should relate to this narrative. Posts that don't relate may be removed by the moderator. This includes posts relating to someone's own substance use. 

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Secret addiction to coke by

When my parents divorced, me and my sister went with my mother. And my 2 oldest brothers went with my dad. My mum then had a new partner who I blame still for everything in my family to change. He was a silent bully which 2 months after my 18th birthday I find the news early Sunday morning that she had hung herself which I can't even word how that felt. Seeing my youngest sister have to move with my auntie and myself into my partner at the time parents house. This caused a long stretched out of mental health issues including gambling and smoking weed. Then my current partner who I've been with for 4 years is amazing. We have a 2 year old who is the most beautiful little girl ever and is my world. But for the past 9 months I've been an addict to cocaine. Started off 20 worth a night. Now 2g or more of pure cocaine. Which led me to payday loans and personal loans which she doesn't know Bout any. I now have 8k of loans debt to my name , rarely sleep, addicted to coke, amd gambling. I have a 5 year ban from all online casinos which I did, but doesn't stop me going into casinos. My credit rating is destroyed, and my partner only ever talks about her savings and asking about mine as she got her head screwed on for a morgage which won't happen with my credit and debt. I've been longing it on as haven't got the guts to tell her as I know she will leave me 100000% which makes my mental health worse and Im breaking down every day which causes me to have more coke to try cheer me up. I wouldn't be alive right now for certain if it wasnt for my daughter.but I worry myself with how long I can do this for as I know deeeeep down I need to tell her, but I feel with knowing she would be gone and maybe make it hard to see my daughter that it would make everything worse for me, and I don't want to loose either of them. I'm 25 years old and haven't told anyone so felt like I could rant it on here as least no one knows me

For anyone using mainly smack by

Hey there guys I’m sending this for the few of us that still have a PS4 and enjoy playing games I have opened a community on the PS4 community section and here you are allowed to talk about anything nothing is taboo cos we are gamers that use, so come join my community and meet likely minded people and you never know you might be able to help someone or someone might be able to do the same for you so try my PS4 community. Here is how to find it ( go into communities on the PS4 screen and search for: Smokers who like to have a boot while playing ) hope to see you guys there thanks

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Codeine Addicition Experience by

This is the first time I have opened up about my addiction to any living soul, so bare with me whilst I attempt to gather my thoughts into words whilst I type this (I get that this is targeted towards someone else’s addiction but it’s ridiculous to limit the forum when I know for a fact that my own experience could help someone else). I have been addicted to codeine phosphate for three years. It started after completing my MSc course at a world renowned university. I felt like I was on top of my game. It came about through using it as a means to achieve a high as a direct treatment for my mental health debilitations of BPD, PPD, GAD and depression. I had started to experiment with drugs such as MDMA, cocaine and speed (solely when going out with friends to raves and clubs). I would never use them outside of these environments. But the feeling they gave me whilst I was high made me completely forget about my mental health issues. I have always been the most self deprecating, self destroying person. I hate myself. I still do. I hate the way I look. I hate my personality. I hate my overthinking mind. I hate my stupidity despite my intelligence. I hate my life. I hate EVERYTHING about myself. I will never ever say a good word about myself. Ever. Now I am a very meticulous, logical oriented person despite my disgusting everything else. Being in the UK, I started off by just going to my local pharmacy and buying a pack of co-codamol. At this point, I had already tried co-codamol (quite recently for the first time back then) and had the most amazing euphoria following popping two 30/500mg tablets. But there is that thought in the back of your head of “what would a higher dose feel like? Would it be more intense or would it last longer?”. Now, I knew the risks of respiratory depression but I was smart about it. I would never go too high to the point that it would shock my body into gasping for breath like an athlete on Mount Everest. But not low enough that I wouldn’t get a substantial buzz out of it. But the issue was the paracetamol. My method of extracting the codeine and separating it from the paracetamol was cold water extraction. I won’t go into the specifics of what I did and specific amounts because I do not want ANYONE going through what I have. This started off harmless enough. First it was one strip, equivalent to 64mg of codeine. Then 128mg. Then 128mg twice a day. 256 mg twice a day. With the most I’ve ever taken being 500mg five times a day. That’s 2500mg of codeine in one single day. It consumed me. All aspects of my life revolved around the codeine. Whether I have enough to last me the day. Whether I had enough to last me tomorrow. Whether there were pharmacies in close proximity that I could go to (as most pharmacies will only sell you one per week). Whether I have been to them recently and would question me. Whether the pharmacies in close proximity were even open to start with. I had to plan everything around that. I would stop eating for the entire day so as to not line my stomach up with food, thus decreasing from my high and so I would only eat after my last daily dose wore off right before bed. I stopped speaking to anyone because my mental health deteriorated. I stopped caring about anything. I lost that motivation that made me such a driven person and instead, it was replaced with laziness as all I would want to do is lay in bed whilst high. Away from the stresses associated with other humans. Three years this lasted. Three years of nothing more than this. The most important years of my life, whittled down to nothing more than driving to 4-12 pharmacies in a day, going through the process of extracting the codeine and numbing myself. If I didn’t take codeine, I would start withdrawing. My time-span was 10-12 hours from my last dose. Any more than that without codeine, and the first thing I would feel are the hot flushes and sweating. Within an hour or two the diarrhoea ensues with the most intense cramping known to humanity. Not even loperamide can save you. Within six hours, the inscessant leg shaking happens where you feel as though your legs cannot sit still and you just have to shake them back and forth. This was my experience. No nausea. But trust me when I say that the cramps and the diarrhoea was enough. But the leg shaking puts you over the edge because you can’t sleep as a result. You want to continuously move your legs until they fall off, to the point where you’ll find yourself crying in the middle of the night because you’re so frustrated and sick of having legs. No one knew. I hid my addiction well. It’s a functional high but the second I would do something, I would feel as though my high diminished. So I tried to do as little as possible. I have spent so much money that I could have used for something better. I have wasted so much time that I could have used to better myself. I have neglected my friends and family. I have neglected myself. I tried to stop multiple times to no avail. I couldn’t do this on my own. Cold turkey lasted two days. Then I tried tapering. I managed to get it down to 256mg twice a day. That’s two boxes of co-codamol a day. Once when I wake up and once in the evening. But I didn’t want to lose that high. Losing the buzz that became so habitual for me was devastating in my mind. But I wanted to quit at the same time. It contradicted substantially and I didn’t know what to do. But then I had a thought. Maybe the quantity was just in my mind. I could achieve a high on lower doses before so why not now? I know that I could still achieve a high on 220mg so how far could I push it? This is how I’ve started beating my codeine. The knowledge that the high still stays at lower doses. This is aimed at anyone who wants to quit but does not want to lose the high instantly. I tapered my dose to three strips, twice a day from my two boxes a day. That’s 24 tablets of 8/500mg co-codamol. High is a little less intense but still there. Still very much noticeable and enjoyable. There was hope. This was the lowest I’ve ever been in three years. I kept this up for a week before tapering down to 128mg, twice a day. That’s two strips in a box. Still have the high. Still have the buzz. Doesn’t last AS long but hey, I’m happy if I’m not gasping for breath because the cramps get so intense. This is where I am now. I’m three days away from one strip. A measly 64mg. Basically equivalent to the very first dose of 60mg that I ever had, three years ago. I have so many plans after I beat this. Things I want to do. I’ve started cooking more instead of eating ridiculous processed foods. God, I love making asian food. I want to work out again. I miss the feelings of weights in my hands and the buzz after a 5 mile run. I want to see my friends again. I haven’t spoken to or seen my friends in three years. I’m in my mid twenties and I don’t see my friends. I don’t even know if they want to see me again but I will try. I want to spend time with my family. I miss sitting with them and cracking jokes and bombarding mum with my silly humour. I want to work. Three years without work in the most amazing field in science has taken its toll on me. I’ve tried applying for jobs for two years and no one wants me. I don’t know why. I’ve tried but scientists are better preferred with PhDs. God, I would love to do a PhD. This is a message of hope. From the most pessimistic, human hating, mental health debilitated individual. But the only thing keeping me going is what I can start doing again. That all of this is temporary. I’m still in the midst of my tapering (without diarrhoea thankfully) and its going. I don’t want to jinx it. I’m not superstitious but I just don’t want to jinx it. I hope that I can be better. I hope that I can work out and finally feel comfortable in my own skin. I hope that my confidence can radiate and make people like me more. I hope that I can finally feel free from the grasp of this pathetic drug. I don’t know if anyone will read this. It’s pretty long and tedious. I don’t know if anyone will care. It’s hard to find forums online about codeine tapering how-to’s. It’s not like Wikihow does a step by step in addiction. But if it even reaches one person who is addicted or one parent of an addict, I hope it helps. We’re not bad people. We’re just severely severely in pain. Sometimes it’s the environment we’re in. Sometimes it’s genetic. But don’t hate us for doing what we do. Don’t hate us for rejecting your support and help. Don’t take it personally. We want to do things ourselves is all. But we’re the same people on the inside. No matter what you think or hear. All I ask is that if this reaches you and you read it, please say something. Let me know that everything will be okay. Let me know that what I’ve said could be taken in and used to help someone. I guess it’s more for self gratification than anything. That I’ve done something right by opening up. It’s so hard to open up. I haven’t had anyone there for me for three years so I hope this does something positive for someone else and for myself. Maybe it’s just for my ego. I don’t know. But say something. Anything. Tell me I’m an idiot for all I care. It would be nice to talk to someone. TL;DR: How I got off codeine without any help despite not wanting to lose my high. I tapered whilst managing to maintain my high. Just read it, it’s helpful. It’s long. But it’s helpful. I’m sorry it’s long. I’m not good at opening up. God I love asian cuisine.

Drugs, alcohol and mental health

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Day 1 by

This is my first post having just discovered this site today. I was looking for sites to help with withdrawal from Codeine addiction. This is my first day of codeine withdrawal. I need to stop. I feel like if I write it all down here - I am accountable and it’s out in the Universe, I have to do it and stick to it. If I’m being honest with myself I’ve probably been addicted for about 5 years but only in the last 2 years has it become a daily routine/chore/focus. I couldn’t go to bed without taking pills and my first thought in the morning is “how many do I have left? Do I need to buy today? Which chemist haven’t I been to in a while?” No one in my family knows or my partner. I have two children that I love and I just want to be rid of this hole I’ve gotten myself into. I would say I’m pretty high functioning - I have a busy full time job and carry out all my “mum duties” and housework without skipping a beat. But I feel like I’m hiding myself away more and more and feel almost removed from my relationships with everyone. I feel like I interact almost behind an invisible screen? I work in an office and mostly sit alone with this floaty feeling of euphoria, having popped my first lot of pills in the morning (with my first coffee!). I hide away in the kitchen at home using the excuse of cooking so I can pop pills and wash them down with wine/beer while I’m making the dinner. Top up again just before my partner comes home and that’s me for the night. This is my daily routine now. My partner works long shifts so doesn’t really notice. He knows I enjoy a wine (or 4!) but I know he would be horrified if he knew the truth. So why do I want to I’ve said I’m beginning to feel separated from the people I love. I don’t socialise as much as I used to. I just mostly want to be home alone, not good when you’ve got kids and a busy life. I feel like I don’t have any real connections with anyone because during our conversations I’m nodding along but in my head thinking when can I take more pills? Should I drink tonight? It’s becoming all encompassing. As the child of alcoholics growing up, I swore my kids wouldn’t go through the same traumas and for the most part they are spared the fights and trauma that alcohol abuse brings but they've still dealing with a vague/vacant parent which must be confusing and worrying at times? There’s also the health implications. During my reading today - I always assumed it was the Codeine that’s the problem but the paracetamol in the tablets can cause more harm to the liver??? Recently I’ve felt a swelling feeling on the right hand of my abdomen which I’m terrified is the early stages of liver damage. I get really really insanely itchy skin at times - hands and feet mostly. I’ve also no motivation and I would say my mental health isn’t ever great either. I just want to be free from this mindset and constant thinking of pills and how to get more pills!!! Im terrified I’ve damaged my liver. I took my last pills at 4pm last night. I intend on going cold turkey. I feel like if I taper off then I’ll justify to myself an increase in usage and end up back where I started. So far I’m starting to feel like I’m getting a bad flu? I ache basically all over even my finger joints feel sore. I’m tired and really just want to have a bath and get some sleep lol! I also know this is probably going to get a lot worse before I feel better.... any advice anyone can give me to get through the next few days/weeks would be great. So I’m about to head home and this is the most worrying part of my day. For as much as I love my children, being a mum is BORING at times. Cooking and housework is boring, cooking/cleaning is always much more enjoyable when you’ve got this floaty feeling in your stomach. I really really want to go home and not drink (I’ve no pills in the house), but I can hear my inner voice already saying “just get a bottle of wine on your way home! It’s not as bad because you’ve no pills!”. Ugh....

My son is waisting his life on drugs by

My son is 18 years old. Hes be using drugs since 13. He has 2 other siblings the same age (triplets). They lost there father just before there 1st birthday. He has been a difficult child but was brought up in a loving home and family. I have had lots of services to help him, but he would not engage with anything. I had to make him leave in may, I could no longer cope with behaviour, and effects on his sisters. The final straw was paying of his drug dealers. Over the weekend I saw pictures of him and he looks awful, I messaged him still offering help but it's all my fault and he does not want help from us, I feel heartbroken and cant get him out my head, help

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Lost husband to alcohol by

Hi all So glad I found this forum and hope my ramblings today will make sense to someone out there. I recently lost my husband to alcohol, and although he had other medical issues it was ultimately his drinking that killed him. Since his passing I have gone through many emotions, anger being the predominant one. Angry at him for giving in to it, angry at me for failing him, angry at medical professionals for failing him. Trust me, if I had a milkman I would probably find something to pin on him too. I dealt with his drinking for many years and have tried everything I could to get him to stop and/or seek help. He was getting help to be honest but in the end he thought he could handle it and paid the price. Right now I am very confused and wonder if he ever really cared for me and his family, yes he lied to me for years - part of the illness right? I trained myself to not take his lies, drinking, behaviour, personally but can't help but feel used and mistreated. Aside from myself and our children, none of his family were aware he had an issue and were stunned to find out after his death. I thought I was doing the right thing in keeping his secret but now I am questioning every decision I ever made Sorry for the ramblings, I just need to get these thoughts out and would be interested to know how others cope in a similar situation.

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New to this by

Hi I don't know where else to turn , my family and friends have no idea how I feel they havnt walked in mine or my 2 son's shoes, and unfortunately our story didn't end well as 2 weeks ago their father , my ex died. I strongly suspect it was an overdose on liquid morphine won't know for sure till the toxology report comes back , I am heart broken as I tried to get him help and my boys seen him at his worst when he was high and my eldest who is 24 has saved his life once by calling an ambulance for him , it's hard cos we did get a long and he was a big part of my life for many yrs he was just so troubled towards the end , my eldest us showing no emotion , he is feeling angry I suspect he doesn't really want to talk about it and has thrown himself into work and is acting like nothing has happened, my youngest who is 16 is sad but it's not really hit him yet we have been going through this alone and would just like to communicate with others who may understand the effects of addiction ????

My husband died by

I'm struggling with feelings following the death of my husband last month. He was in his mid-40s, and a highly intelligent, very successful businessman. He was also a cocaine addict, but no one knew unless he told them. He had periods of abstinence followed by what he called a relapse, which was a drug binge. During this time he would disappear away from home and be uncontactable, spending hundreds and sometimes thousands of pounds. In the last year of his life, this all increased in frequency. The last six months were particularly bad. After his death, I found out that since January he'd been using at least once a week on average, and was ordering quantities of anywhere between 2g and 5g. He would just this in one night over the course of a few hours. On the night he died, he had disappeared on a binge, but I didn't know this until the following day. He had ordered 2g which he had taken over two hours, and then a couple of hours later he was walking it off in town when he literally dropped dead in the street. Since he died I've found out a lot about his use, about where he was getting money etc and I am finding it hard to process. Our relationship had deteriorated because he was always snappy and in a bad mood, and it felt like he had completely disconnected from me. He barely wanted to spend any time with me at all, and always prioritised anything else to the point we spent very little time together at all. I wanted it to be different, but he didn't. Having looked through his phone in the last month, it seems he had an awful lot of contact with prostitutes, who he paid to get the drugs for him. He was making arrangements with them once or twice a week to get the drugs, would take it while they were there and then leave. On his phone was a video of one of these sessions, and it was really upsetting. I looked after the money (at his request) so it was hard for him to get hold of it, but I've now discovered he spent one of his children's savings as unknown to me he had access to it. I have also found that he was searching for pawn shops, and many of his possessions have gone missing, including gifts I bought him (even his wedding present from me). He has left us with nothing - because of his addiction he could not get life insurance, and we are about to lose our home. I feel sad, betrayed and angry, even though I know the addiction had taken over in the end and it wasn't really *him*. The him before the addiction was the kindest, most generous, gentle person you could ever meet. He worked tirelessly for his family and always put others first. I am stunned he could have been so unfaithful so many times, and devastated that he died in the street far from home. I'm not sure how to reconcile all these conflicting feelings.