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Adfam forum guidelines

We know that if you are affected by someone else’s drug or alcohol use you might feel alone, or as if nobody understands what you are going through. This forum gives you the opportunity to share your feelings regarding your loved one’s substance use, to share experiences and support other people going through similar situations. This is a safe, nonjudgmental environment. There is no right or wrong way to deal with somebody else’s substance use. Everyone’s experience is different, and everyone’s experience is valid.

Never share personal contact information

It is very important that no personal information is disclosed on this forum. The forum is a safe place, and sharing personal information, especially contact details, could potentially make the forum a target for people seeking to take advantage of its members. Even if you feel safe around someone, and think you could benefit from one to one conversations, please do not post contact details or ask somebody for theirs. This doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t share personal stories - the anonymity of the group should allow you to be as open as you are comfortable with without the need to initiate private communication.

Any posts containing contact information or other identifying information will be removed, and repeat posts may lead to your account being blocked.

Posts should relate to the experience of those affected by someone else’s substance use

Please remember that this forum is here to support people affected by somebody else’s substance use. Posts should related to experiences of someone else’s substance use, rather than as a source of help for individuals with a substance use issue. This does not mean that people with lived experience of substance use issues cannot participate in our forum, but please remember that the focus is offering support for people affected by someone else’s substance use.

Posts solely relating to personal experience of addiction will be removed. If you are looking for support regarding your own substance use, please call any of the following helplines:

Alcohol:

  • Drinkline: 0300 123 1110
  • Alcoholics Anonymous: 0800 9177 650

Drugs:

  • Frank: 0300 1236 600
  • Narcotics Anonymous: 0300 999 1212

Be respectful, supportive and non-judgmental

As everyone using this forum is aware, substance use and family relationships are very sensitive issues. It is important that forum users carefully consider their tone when posting. Always talk from your own experience, and never suggest that somebody else’s attitude or experience is wrong. Please do offer supportive advice, but do not insist that there is one way of doing something.

Posts will be removed if they contain

  • Personal attacks
  • Discriminatory comments
  • Misinformation
  • Links to illegal websites
  • Spam or links to websites promoting/selling anything

Please also be mindful of the original topic of each thread. Try to make sure that conversations are carried out on the relevant thread. This will help people to navigate the forum and find appropriate support, and it will also prevent certain issues from drowning out others.

Thank you very much for joining our forum. These guidelines are for the benefit of our community, and so any posts that do not adhere to all of these guidelines will be removed, and accounts may be blocked.

Share Your Story

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Cocaine addiction Husband v Wife by

After fourteen wonderful years of marriage my loving, hardworking husband has decided he is a different person. It is like someone has invaded his body and mind. Everything that he has held close, my mum our pets and myself are excluded from his life. The only ones remaining are the family and friends that partake in the alcohol and cocaine lifestyle. What was a once or twice a year line of coke has now become a three times a week habit. He stays out all night, comes back smelling of alcohol and high, sleeps for a few hours then throws up all day. He has a constant runny nose and always complains he has a cold or he must have flu. He doesn't lie about the cocaine use but does about the amount he's taking. To witness this happening to my husband is truly heartbreaking and I cannot fight against this addiction. I am now suffering myself from anxiety, panic attacks and sleepless nights. I feel utterly helpless.

by Hox 26

85 posts

Cocaine Psychosis and Blame by

My husband is now out of the house following almost 2 years - maybe more of cocaine use which included significant verbal and emotional abuse towards me by what can only be described as psychotic accusatory persecution and blame towards me for his ‘ unhappiness ‘ , angry offensive and insulting outbursts and drinking issues which literally came from nowhere at all . During this time he obsessed over my past relationships no matter how insignificant they may have been even though we’ve been together for 8 years and he’d never had any issue with this before and quite frankly his past is a million times worse (!!) so this was completely out of order - started telling other people confidential information about me to tear down my character , accused me of breaking every marriage vow when I did nothing wrong except live our Life as we had always known ,go to work look after kids and the home etc he preached to me about honesty when the whole time he has been found out to be telling the most horrific lies ..... he lay in Bed for weeks on end , didn’t help at all , lied about illnesses , money , was gambling , looking at porn stealing things for money ..: he was basically a verbally aggressive angry monster and unrecognisable until an intervention where family worked together to uncover his drug use and prove it .. every close family member was involved and hurt by him emotionally through this process and every relationship he had has been destroyed He is now on a 12 step program claiming to be changed person and sober for 6 weeks . I’ve refused to see him and speak to him and I am still so angry betrayed and humiliated by what he has done to us and our families . I just cannot see way to forgive him or ever trust him again - the whole thing is absolutely horrific

by Hox 26

2 posts

Can't cope anymore...... by

I have been with my husband for nearly 11 years. At the beginning he was the most caring kind attentive partner I've had. He really had me on a pedistool. The first time I can remember him taking cocaine was at the beginning but was at a party and didn't really seem a big deal although I don't touch it myself. I fell pregnant with our first child together after 1year and that's probably when it started happening out of the blue. So much has happened I would be here for weeks writing about it. But the amount of times he has let me down I really can't take anymore. He hallucinates, he looks ugly when he takes it and acts weird, he lies, spends our family money and leaves me until his binge is over with nothing. He has done this on birthdays and Xmas and has let me down too many times. He was off it for around 2 years, we were to get married as his reward and proving to me he wasn't going to do it again. We had our wedding in the carribean with just close family. A few weeks before the wedding he relapse, begged for forgive and we got married. Since the wedding there has been 2 Christmas day ruined. My birthday and my sons birthday ruined and more debt. His mum passed away in June 19 and he was so close to her. His old mate turned up at the funeral and boom shit got a whole lots worse. The guy is an alcoholic and is sitting in his work van every day so he can drink vodka without any of his family finding out. He has bought him it and letting him smoke his cigs. Any time I spend money on food or essentials he moans at me. He can snap so quickly to a rage. Over the last last couple of weeks ther has been 2 relapses. 1st one was after I went for a biopsy, which he doesn't care about either, tells me I'm a drama queen and he will worry when he knows there's something to worry about. He went to work and left me in bed crying in agony as I had inflammation which caused extreme pain and they couldn't complete the biopsy. He was to get my prescription from the docs before work, he didn't, he said he would get kids from school and drop in my prescription, he didn't. I had to collect the kids from his daughter and race to get my daughter to drama. I missed the chemist and by this time was in extreme pain. I got home and he was supposed to be at my mums fixing her sink as it was blocked. He had cancelled 3 days in a row. I walked in bedromm and there he was out his face in bed. I just lost it. I hit him with punches and he just cowered. I grabbed his phone to see what he had been upto. He got really mad and pinned me down trying to get it out my hand. He ripped it from my hand catching my hair and ripped a chunk out. He ran out house and was gone for 24hrs. I told my mum, well said he has an alcohol problem as she doesn't understand that world. She txt him saying how disappointed she was as she really does love him. He turned up full of sorry but within a few hours he was saying I'm never gonna allow you to lay your hands on me again. I was the reason he takes it. All I do is moan. His mood is so all over the place is so hard to live with him. Mugged off again I told him this was his last chance. He has now started this bitter fued with my mum which I haven't told her about that he saying how fucking dare she get involved. Refused to have her in my house for mothers day. Friday night went to bed everything good, woke up at 4am with him searching me in bed, eyes bulging out his head. He was looking for a secret mobile because he says I'm a cheating cow. By the way I'm a homeworker with 4 kids. The next morning I got up and started work. He was clearly out of it because he must of stayed up all night. I told him to stay away from kids. I finished for my break and went upstairs he was gone. Said he wanted to gk see his daughter she's 21 and there always been jealousy issues as she is daddys girl, and at Xmas they had a binge together on Xmas day. Totally ruined dinner for everyone I was so embarrassed. So he goes ther and appears at my door early hour Saturday morning. My daughter got up and let him in. So now we are in the same house, one minute he's sorry the next screaming at me like a physco and he gone to work with his pal, which he said he would stop. Oh and I earn double what he does and he's spending all my wages on this shit and covering it up when I know he is lying and making me feel like a physco. I don't even know who I am anymore. I just can't go on

by Hox 26

9 posts

Drugs, alcohol and mental health

167 threads

1203 posts

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My girlfriend is addicted and I think I’m enabling by

Hi guys, I’m Emily and I’m 25. I’ve been with my girlfriend for over 3 and a half years and have been living with her for 3 years. We found each other through mutual friends, and at the time both had issues with Xanax addiction. Through out these years we have done countless terrible things and experimented with a lot of different drugs. I decided to stop after her first seizure. She had a withdrawal seizure from Xanax while driving. Luckily no one was hurt. Numerous times she has gone to the doctor to get help and therapy and it has been unsuccessful and she quits. She has had three seizures due to withdraw. I’ve noticed now that I have gotten sober from pills that the way she treats me when intoxicated, and her behavior is not who she really is. She becomes ruthless. Says I’m judgmental and that’s all I’ve ever been. I tell her I’m there for her but I can’t stick around if she continues to use Xanax. She turns into a monster and has ruined many relationships with friends. I don’t want to feel stupid for staying with her because I was an addict too and I have been given better resources to reach my recovery. If it weren’t for drugs, our relationship would not involve fighting. It’s all we argue about because she lies about when she’s using. Sometimes she will go months not using Xanax but she will binge other pills such as opiates. She is not a daily user, and I just know the potential we have in our relationship if she would stop using. She tells me she is only 23, and all though we have started our lives together she doesn’t see herself stopping right now. It’s like for her to consider stopping something traumatic has to happen. (Such as a seizure). She doesn’t believe she’s an addict. I don’t want all hope to be lost because aside from our issues involving drug use, we are happy and I don’t want to give up. I just need some advice because I’m so confused how I can love someone this much, but she doesn’t love me enough to get help. I don’t want to keep being an enabler.

1 post

Boyfriend in denial, by

Hi My boyfriend of 2 years has been taking drugs, I’m not sure what he exactly takes, but I have seen him take solphadeine in front of me, his exscuse was his toe hurts, hoe ever he hasn’t taken those in a while but takes other drugs behind my back, I see the signs and patterns of his behaviour, more so after he lost his job and he became stressed and felt worthless, a year on after so mainly arguments and throwing him out he hasn’t admitted he takes any drugs but he admits he has mental issues that need resolving, and his sleeping patterns are due to him not working. ( he stays awake 3 or 4 days then sleeps after to catch up, eating habits low then eats a lot to catch up, motivation for life low too ) what do I do ? Do I touch help with his mental issues which may lead him to stop drugs ? Or is he just saying this to get me off his back ?

by Hgg567

4 posts

My parents alcohol addiction is ruining my life by

I just need to talk to someone . I can’t even see my therapist since this covid-19 thing started. So here I am. So my parents started drinking since I was little but it hasn’t gotten this bad since the beginning of 2019. They began to get drunk every night, my mom would yell at me, my sister, and my dog for no reason, while my dad would throw things and shake our dog to death. I’m honestly scared for my sister at this point because I’m going to college soon and she’s gonna be here by herself. They forget to take her places, they make me do everything so they can have an excuse to drink. They drink as early as 11:00 am some days . It’s making me not want to have a relationship with them and to isolate in my room more and more. It makes me sad and angry and I’ve tried talking to them about it . It always ends in I’m wrong and they are right. I just don’t know what to do anymore .

1 post

Bereavement

5 threads

51 posts

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Lost husband to alcohol by

Hi all So glad I found this forum and hope my ramblings today will make sense to someone out there. I recently lost my husband to alcohol, and although he had other medical issues it was ultimately his drinking that killed him. Since his passing I have gone through many emotions, anger being the predominant one. Angry at him for giving in to it, angry at me for failing him, angry at medical professionals for failing him. Trust me, if I had a milkman I would probably find something to pin on him too. I dealt with his drinking for many years and have tried everything I could to get him to stop and/or seek help. He was getting help to be honest but in the end he thought he could handle it and paid the price. Right now I am very confused and wonder if he ever really cared for me and his family, yes he lied to me for years - part of the illness right? I trained myself to not take his lies, drinking, behaviour, personally but can't help but feel used and mistreated. Aside from myself and our children, none of his family were aware he had an issue and were stunned to find out after his death. I thought I was doing the right thing in keeping his secret but now I am questioning every decision I ever made Sorry for the ramblings, I just need to get these thoughts out and would be interested to know how others cope in a similar situation.

I just lost my brother by

Hi all. My brother died earlier this year from alcoholism. He was only in his mid forties and we are all heartbroken. We tried to help him but he locked us out of the house and denied he had a problem. For the last year of his life I think he was drinking every day and after his death we found bottles of vodka in his home which he was obviously drinking neat. I'm having a lot of issues coming to terms with his death and i dont think I ever will. I am trying to understand this addiction that is more powerful than love and family, that drove my successful brother to self destruct. I also cannot understand his denial. How could he pretend that everything was ok when it was clearly not? I would love to hear your stories and if you can help me understand this disease I would be very grateful. Thank you

My husband died by

I'm struggling with feelings following the death of my husband last month. He was in his mid-40s, and a highly intelligent, very successful businessman. He was also a cocaine addict, but no one knew unless he told them. He had periods of abstinence followed by what he called a relapse, which was a drug binge. During this time he would disappear away from home and be uncontactable, spending hundreds and sometimes thousands of pounds. In the last year of his life, this all increased in frequency. The last six months were particularly bad. After his death, I found out that since January he'd been using at least once a week on average, and was ordering quantities of anywhere between 2g and 5g. He would just this in one night over the course of a few hours. On the night he died, he had disappeared on a binge, but I didn't know this until the following day. He had ordered 2g which he had taken over two hours, and then a couple of hours later he was walking it off in town when he literally dropped dead in the street. Since he died I've found out a lot about his use, about where he was getting money etc and I am finding it hard to process. Our relationship had deteriorated because he was always snappy and in a bad mood, and it felt like he had completely disconnected from me. He barely wanted to spend any time with me at all, and always prioritised anything else to the point we spent very little time together at all. I wanted it to be different, but he didn't. Having looked through his phone in the last month, it seems he had an awful lot of contact with prostitutes, who he paid to get the drugs for him. He was making arrangements with them once or twice a week to get the drugs, would take it while they were there and then leave. On his phone was a video of one of these sessions, and it was really upsetting. I looked after the money (at his request) so it was hard for him to get hold of it, but I've now discovered he spent one of his children's savings as unknown to me he had access to it. I have also found that he was searching for pawn shops, and many of his possessions have gone missing, including gifts I bought him (even his wedding present from me). He has left us with nothing - because of his addiction he could not get life insurance, and we are about to lose our home. I feel sad, betrayed and angry, even though I know the addiction had taken over in the end and it wasn't really *him*. The him before the addiction was the kindest, most generous, gentle person you could ever meet. He worked tirelessly for his family and always put others first. I am stunned he could have been so unfaithful so many times, and devastated that he died in the street far from home. I'm not sure how to reconcile all these conflicting feelings.

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