Hi!

I want to share my story so maybe I can finally understand if I am doing things right or not as I’m getting confused all the time…

I’ve married an addict but when we married he was off meth for 6 years. It all started shortly before marriage when his doctor prescribed him ADHD meds which of course has amphetamine inside.

First of all I just don’t understand this doctor as he knew he was a drug addict before.

So he started to take those and of course they helped him to put things straight in his brain as he has adhd at the end anyways.

But at some point he wanted more and he reached out to his old dealer and started to use again. Of course things were not easy also… newly wed, corona situation, problems etc… life isn’t so exciting when suddenly you have so much responsibilities I guess.

Once at 3 months after wedding he was physically abusive to me but also to his mom at this point. He went into some kind of psychosis or whatever after alcohol.

It happened later that he was throwing things or make me generally be scared of him a lot and stressed.

We tried a lot with this meds. He stopped them for a while . Later I was controlling dosage but this didn’t work either. Recently he got different meds which are not so strong but of course now he went back to old meds without me even knowing it. But of course I recognized the patterns that something is wrong again as he disappear for a nights and doesn’t sleep at all. I still don’t know if he is using drugs this time or it’s just meds. He says he was not taking drugs for 3 weeks but now can I know.

I don’t trust him at all. I plan to leave and he thinks that he is not doing anything to me directly and it’s not really a reason for me to leave. And he leaves me this notes now that he doesn’t want to be alone, that I hurt him, I abandoned him etc.

I feel bad because of it of course. Because I would like to help him but I don’t think I have enough energy for this.

I love him still of course and it’s not helping.

He said he will go for therapy but still he didn’t.

I’m also afraid of being alone. Because he is a good guy inside anyways.

I don’t really know what to do and if I should give him another chance again.

I just hope maybe here someone has similar problem so we can chat about it…